.:8:.

Cody's Log II

Cody's Log

Today's a special day for me to write in here.

Not special like that of a birthday, but very similar. A day to celebrate is absolute, but not for the familiar reasons others resonate with. I wasn't even sure if it was something I should've brought up when the thought crossed my mind. We were having a good time, a great time, actually, swimming in the Manning's pool.

I love to swim.

Most people don't know how I learned to love it. Not only is it a great cardiovascular sport that continues to aid the body in multiple ways, but I've always loved to do it. Zack and I learned to swim in the lake in Appletown, Texas, where our Aunt Martha lives. Mom and Aunt Martha don't get along very much now, but at one point she brought us down to visit her in her tiny town. Aunt Martha saw we didn't know how to swim—in hindsight this had to have embarrassed mom, she couldn't afford swimming lessons or us let alone afford a pool. Aunt Martha offered to teach us how to swim. At first, mom liked the idea, but then grew nervous when Aunt Martha took us to the lake rather than a contained pool.

How was one to swim in a lake and the riverbeds and creeks that branched off it when they couldn't see the bottom? Especially toddlers? But Aunt Martha—literally—picked us up and threw us into the water before climbing into to join us. Zack sank, mom freaked out, but I loved it. I had a wider area to explore, new things to study, something new to learn. I know now the way Aunt Martha taught us how to swim—initially, she and mom did end up showing us how to correctly kick and to pull their arms through the water correctly—throwing us in the deep end, was not the best idea.

If I knew it'd be the metaphor of the rest of my life, I may've paid a little more attention. Since then, I've had nothing but parts of my life continue to throw me in the deep end. Mom moved us around a lot, we had little to know money, couldn't stay in our car all the time—the police told her that every now and then, I was never asleep during those nights. I stayed awake in the car, clutching my blankie to me and watching everyone that passed by the car. I was scared. It was one of the worst things they've been through I—we made it through it.

I didn't think of that at all while we were at Crystal's house, swimming. And it was the best time we'd had in a long while. The pool was inside what looked like it used to be a greenhouse, attached to the back of the house, and large enough that I felt a little envious felt envious of it. Mostly as they didn't need to share it with anyone else. He loved the Tipton hotel, but the lack of privacy was a problem. Just as it was living with my dad times; where we had to share the gym, social areas, and the pool. It was something others wouldn't think about, but having had lived in cramped quarters, with his grandparents, and in a hotel suite where I shared one bathroom with my brother and mother, privacy was a luxury for us.

Being able to just hangout by ourselves and not worry about college applications and rejections, what we were doing later in our lives, what we were going to be doing for the rest of our school year…we just had fun. I had a moment to relax. Okay, Zack makes fun of me for being very tightly wound but come on, I have a lot of goals I'm trying to achieve. Today, I made sure to sit around and have fun with my friends. I even got a chance to talk to Crys's dad a little bit more and he gave me some connections in the science world that I could use once I graduated.

Okay, it's not that I don't love my mom or dad. I love my parents very much. But, academically, with my interests, we don't always click. My mom is always very proud of what I manage to achieve and likes to listen to me talk through my projects and ideas. But she doesn't understand. My dad…no one knows this, my dad barely finished high school. He never went to college. So he doesn't understand much of what I'm talking about at all. Having Christian around and being able to talk to someone on my equal level of what I wanted to do, made me feel great.

Another deep end that I learned how to swim in. Not many I knew were interested in the sciences and I worked my way through it.

Which brings me to what happened when we got back to the Tipton later. I was flipping through the past entries in my journal. It's my third or fourth log but I realized how much I like writing in this. It really keeps your mind straight, makes you able to reflect on things you may not have noticed before. But something hit me straight in the face that I couldn't ignore.

I was sitting on my bed, writing in my journal—being politically corrected, typing on my laptop—when I looked over at Zack and noticed he was writing in his journal as well. He's done it a lot longer than I have, and I can tell it works. He's really calmed down a lot. He's matured. Yes, he still bugs me at times, yes he can still be an obnoxious jerk, yes he still has his get-rich-quick schemes and has times of wanting to have tings be easier for him. But he's calmed down. It's hard to explain but I know my brother and I know when things are different with him, just as he does with me.

He used to hate having to take time to write down dairies and journals. He even hated to do it for homework over the summer and they only had to be a paragraph. But watching him write in his journal, with a little smile on his face, I can see how much he likes it. And it struck me then, how much time had passed.

It's been a year.

A year since Zack started his journey in his eating disorder.

This time last year, he was starting to make himself throw up to lose weight to…to what? I'm still not really sure. To be a better basketball player? To be better than me? To be…what? I don't really know. And he's never told me. He might've told his therapist, but he's never said anything to me. I don't even know if I want to know. If it does have to do with me, I couldn't handle it. I can't handle the thought of hurting my brother like that. Ever. We joke around with each other all the time but there are times where we go too far. I tell him about the times I feel he's gone too far but he's never told me.

He's stronger than me in that instance, but maybe I'm actually stronger than him?

But my point is, it's been a year. He's made it a year since everything for him started to fall apart. He was thrown, proverbially, into the deep end and he managed to swim his way out of it.

Okay, I doubt he thinks very much about when we learned how to swim like I have, but it'd poignant.

Zack made it a year, he's still here and I'm glad.

Much more than he knows.

Because, honestly, I don't know how I can go through life without him. He's my best friend. And I hope he feels the same way. It's why, even if he doesn't want me around, I'll still be there for him and I can only hope he does the same for me.

A/N: And here's another update! I couldn't wait to get back to this story and here I am.

So, for those that were wondering if I'd do another Zack story I do have one I'm updating soon. It's a ZackxRiley focused one, but it's mostly in Zack's POV as he tries to deal with what he thinks is jealousy of a guy from Riley's past where his suspicions actually are correct. So! I'm excited for it.

Please let me know what you think of this chapter and I'll update again soon.

Cheers,

-Riles