Arthur was stressed. His father had just announced that he would marry Hunith. It wasn't that Arthur hadn't expected it to happen, but it still felt a bit sudden to him. Merlin and his mother hadn't lived here even a year and Arthur had trouble thinking either Hunith as his mother or Merlin as his brother.
While in his childhood he had never wished anything more that to have a real family with a mother and a father who wasn't constantly working and demanding him to do the same, now the change seemed forced on him and he wasn't sure what would change in his life after the wedding. He had no idea how he would integrate to a normal family life.
True Morgana had been there for him and they had always used to take care of each others when they were little, but that had changed when Morgana had grown up. Suddenly Arthur had been air to her or worse, something to be loathed and avoided. Morgana had been his only sister and Arthur still often thought about her, even if she clearly wanted nothing to do with him. Arthur wondered if the same would happen with him and Merlin if they became brothers. Thinking it like that hurt. He didn't want that to happen.
Arthur was happy that he and Merlin were getting along better nowadays. He felt that they understood each others and sometimes he would look at Merlin and know exactly what he was trying to say. Merlin wasn't like his other friends. Merlin challenged him. He made him do better not in accomplishments but as a person. He made Arthur feel calmer and more confident. And he never asked anything in return.
It was just that sometimes Arthur felt that Merlin wasn't telling him something. And sometimes he was… not avoiding Arthur, but just… not talking to him if Arthur didn't talk to him first. And he never came close to Arthur. He would sit as far as possible from him and if he had to give Arthur something, it was more that he dropped it to Arthurs hand more than handing it to Arthur. It felt a bit… insulting? Unnerving? But then again, Arthur rarely saw Merlin touch or get close to anyone else either. Maybe he just didn't like that people came too close?
Arthur sighed. It wasn't like he would have to declare brotherly love to Merlin the second their parents got married. He could just see it out and in a meanwhile think of Merlin as his friend. Maybe even his best friend. That made Arthur feel a bit better. Maybe he could talk about this with Merlin someday? Maybe he felt the same way of the situation? Or maybe he saw something Arthur didn't and he would make Arthur think differently.
Merlin had already changed to his pyjama and he had crawled to his bed early. His mother had tried to talk with him about the marriage, but Merlin couldn't make himself seem happy or excited for long and he had ended the conversation as soon as it was possible. Now he just wanted to sleep and not think about anything.
Merlin was facing his window eyes closed, willing slepp to come, but when he heard his door open, he jumped up before he could even see who was entering. It was Uther and Merlins fright tuned into fear. "Sit down." Uther told him calmly and Merlin sat down like a machine. Uther circled the bed and sat next to him. He was too close. Merlin tried to edge farther away, but Uther took a hold on his tight and kept him still. Merlin froze, but to his surprise Uther let go of him and talked with a calmer voice that Merlin remembered hearing for a long time. He felt an urge to check if they actually had company, like Merlins mother, in the room, but he didn't dare move his eyes from Uther.
"I know that our marriage is sudden, but I want you to give your full support to your mother." Uther said and Merlin couldn't be more surprised. Uther sounded almost like… caring and…nice. Not so scary, even if he was too close for Merlins comfort. He nodded slowly and lowered his gaze. He knew he hand't been there for his mother even thought she had clearly wanted to talk with Merlin. She had wanted to make sure he was ok with her decision. And even thought Merlin couldn't be ok, he should at least have pretended. Merlin was about to say something, like that he would support his mother more from now on, but then Uthers hand was back on Merlins thigh making the part of his brain that was in charge of producing speech stop functioning.
Uthers hand wandered to Merlins crotch and he started to cares it slowly. There was something different about it. Maybe Uther was being slower and not so rough as he usually was, Merlin didn't know, but he responded faster than normally. "Now that we are going to be real family, I'm going to take full responsibility of you…" Uther whispered in Merlins ear making Merlin shudder. He felt horrible. The sense of being trapped was stronger than ever and he felt his mind separate from the reality.
Only when he heard Uther comment on how happy Merlin seemed 'down there' for the news, Merlin snapped back. It physically hurt to see himself hard trough his pyjama pants. He tried to close his legs and push Uthers hand away causing Uther to squeeze his thigh so hard that the pain caused Merlin to yelp. Uther opened his legs even more they had been and Merlin felt shame and he regretted trying to get away.
"Your mother want's what is best for you, she doesn't know what a filthy faggot you are." Uthers words made Merlin close his eyes. Like it would help if he didn't see himself. Uthers tone was now far from that he had started with. It was angry and more like hissing that speaking. "See, this is what you want, you want men to touch you and you like it." Uther continued and Merlin could only hate himself. Hate himself for being gay, for liking men and not being able to control himself. What Uther was telling him sounded like the truth in his ears. He felt dirty.
Merlin squeezed his hands in tight fists and tried his hardest not to cry. With a final squeeze, Uther let go of Merlin. He stood up and walked to the door. "This will be our little secret Merlin, no one will know how filthy you are and I'll give what you want." Merlin flinched to his words like he had been hit.
After Merlin heard the door of his room close, he hugged himself. He was shuddering violently. Everything felt so unreal. His feelings and his body reactions and what was happening around him didn't make any sense. He felt that he had no control of what was happening. It all felt like a distant dream or more like a nightmare, that kept squeezing him even when he was awake from every direction. He had no idea of what was real sometimes and what was created by his fears, and he had no way out. He looked down and his tights felt sweaty, his pants were wrinkled and his groin was just calming down. Merlin shuddered again.
Even if Merlin had wanted to stay in his room forever, he had to go to school when the next morning rolled by. He was still Arthurs lab partner, they would change partners only after Christmas. Merlin wished that time would come soon, maybe if he could get Gwen to be his partner, he could concentrate better. While being close made Merlin feel warmer and happy in a bitter way, he felt uneasy every time Arthur looked at him and when he smiled, Merlin felt his face grow too hot and he frowned at himself turning his gaze away. It was especially bad today. He felt like he was betraying Arthur by being gay. By wanting to see him smile like this, for wanting to be close to him when he was having ulterior motives and dirty thoughts. He didn't even have to start with the things Arthurs father had done to him and how Merlin felt that they were his fault.
Arthur saw Merlins weird mood and he wondered if he had been wrong about how Merlin felt about him when he kept frowning like that. Arthur felt a bang of fear that Merlin didn't see him as a friend. Maybe he hated the thought of living with him? They hadn't had the best of starts after all, so it wasn't impossible.
After half a class of silence on Merlins part and awkwardness from Arthurs side, Arthur had to say what was bugging him. "Merlin… I was wondering… are you alright with you know… our parents?" Merlin looked at Arthur surprised. Why was he asking this from him? "No… it's weird I guess… I-" He felt his throat tighten as he continued "I'm lucky to be a part of your family." Merlin could manage 'your' as to mean Arthur, but he couldn't say the same, even as a lie, about Uther. He just couldn't.
Arthur caught the weird form of the sentance not understanding what it really meant, but he felt better. Even if Merlins tone was a bit flat. "I guess you aren't that horrible either…" He said nonchalantly and Merlin actually found some humour in his response and he chuckled. "It would really kill you, if you said one compliment wouldn't it?" He said with a half a smile on his lips at the same time he turned to their bunsen lamp to heat his test tube. Arthur smirked at him not replying. His whole day was suddenly much better and he found himself thinking Merlins laughing and smiling at him many times that week.
The school was nearing its end and December bought decorations and random Christmas song to the hallways and class rooms. Even with all his problems, Merlin found himself getting more chipper with his favourite holiday approaching. There was again colour in this world and Merlin felt his school life separating from his home life more and more.
Even Arthur noticed that Merlin was happier and more open and likely to talk to him and look at him in school than at home. Arthur didn't think much of it, he himself was more open and loud in school where there was no Uther watching his every movement, criticising everything. Merlin was just adjusting to this household and Arthur even thought that Merlins weird behaviour was explained by him trying to adjust. It wasn't that he himself didn't have hard days when he behaved irrationally.
The school work was piling up, but Arthur didn't stress so much anymore and that actually made remembering and understanding everything he was studying much easier. Still Arthur had much pressure on himself the school year coming to its end and the football team was relaying on him. He didn't get much thanks on his hard work, but he didn't get any complains either and if he was to believe in Merlins words, that meant that he was doing alright. Arthur would never admit it to Merlin, but he had found comfort in those words and he often repeated them to himself after practices. After half a school year, he finally felt like he was leading the team. His team.
Then the universe decided that he had it too easy and their PE teacher and football coach had an accident and he had to leave the school for a sick leave he might never return from. At least not as a PE teacher. Their new substitute teacher was young and in Arthurs head it translated as inexperienced. "Hello everybody, my name, for my parents had an interesting sense of humour, is Lancelot, but please, call me Lance."
This was new and weird approach in this expensive and old fashioned school where most of the teachers demanded the pupils to show them respect by calling them Mr. and Mss. and Sir and Madam or professor. And this was not just a first name either, but a nickname on top of it all. Many seemed to like this, but Arthur frowned. He looked at Merlin who seemed to listen to the new teacher very carefully. This, for some reason, didn't help Arthurs mood at all.
Merlin liked the new teacher immediately. There was just something about him. It wasn't even that he looked hot and that he had a very handsome face (even thought Merlin had to admit to himself that was part of the good first impression, even if admitting this to even himself made Merlin hate himself a notch more) but just somehow he seemed warm and caring and just a cool teacher. Merlin didn't care that he was young, PE wasn't that serious subject to him any way and that Lance was young and fit made Merlin think that he would be a good PE teacher.
At some point Merlin glanced at Arthur. Even if this wasn't serious for him, Merlin knew that for Arthur it was different. PE was one of his favourites and he had football practices every day… Arthur didn't seem happy at all. He was currently glaring daggers at Lance who was still giving them a little speech of what he had done previously and what they would be doing for the last few classes. Merlin didn't pay much attention anymore. He was wondering if there was anything he could say to Arthur to make him feel better.
After the class of running around and doing various exercises so Lance could get a 'better picture' of their level and skills and Merlin fearing that his new teacher would find out that he thought he was handsome, Merlin was tired and for once happy that the class had finally ended even if it meant a risk of Uther touching at him on the way home. Ok, maybe not happy, but maybe just for some short minutes that he could just change and shower and not think of anything. And no more exercises. That was important.
Merlin had stripped, showered and put new clothes on before no-one else had even hit the showers. He had learned to tactic himself to the locker rooms the second the class ended and be quick. That made his life much less stressful on mondays. He was just drying his hair, moving much slower now that he was clothed and concentrating on not looking at anything or anyone in fear of being discovered, when Arthur came next to him dripping wet, annoyed and naked.
"Loan me your towel, I forgot mine." Merlin was clad that Arthur couldn't see his face clearly with a towel on Merlins head. There went the 'not so stressful' part. Merlin looked at Arthurs eyes making a point that he didn't care of Arthurs naked state. He felt annoyed on Arthurs tone for some reason. "And how is that my fault?" Merlin asked even if he had Arthurs towel in his locker. He had seen it forgotten in the entrance way when he left home and packed it with his.
"Because you didn't remind me about it." Merlin had to roll his eyes at Arthurs reply. He was being a thoughtless jerk again. Being the object of his crush did not justify being a total prat in Merlin opinion "I'm not one of your servants." He said and turned his back to Arthur continuing to dry his hair. Arthur was starting to feel cold and he snapped at Merlin meaner than he had intended to sound. "Then at least you could be to some use."
Merlin glared at him briefly before opening his locker annoyed and throwing Arthur his towel. He wished that Arthur would keep his opinions to himself when he was in a mood like this. "Here's your stupid towel. I packed it with my stuff." Merlin was expecting Arthur to leave now that he got what he wanted but instead Arthur looked at his towel surprised and then at Merlin and slowly said "Thanks…"
Merlin blinked once and when Arthur put his towel around himself, Merlin relaxed a little and allowed himself to joke "Was that an actual thank you, wow!" His voice was sarcastic, but Merlin felt warm spread inside him. He once again expected Arthur to roll his eyes at him or call him an idiot or something, but Arthur looked a bit unsure and then he finally said "Sorry... I have just been… tired I guess… " not looking Merlin in the eyes. Merlin felt good at hearing Arthur talk to him like this. Like they were close… Merlin wanted to tell him that it was alright, that he was happy that Arthur cared enough to apologise to him and he wanted to hug him and his bare chest looked so good with some water drops still dripping from his hair...
Merlin mentally kicked himself and the warm feeling was gone. He again felt cold and ashamed. He turned to his locker and started to collect his stuff. "An apology and thank you at a same day, this must be a record…" He said trying to sound like there wasn't a turmoil of feelings inside of him. Arthur threw his towel at Merlins face a bit annoyed but more because it was fun.
Merlin took the towel of his head really quickly and frowned at Arthur blushing darkly. "Ha! Didn't know you'd like my towel that much!" Arthur laughed at Merlin finding his blush amusing. Merlins frown disappeared and he felt faint. He could just stare at Arthur who soon stopped laughing when Merlin wasn't responding. "Don't be such a girl, Merlin, I didn't mean that." He said still looking a bit amused and he sbatched his towel from Merlins still frozen hand. He continued drying himself while he made his way back to his own locker. Merlin couldn't say anything but after a while he felt the tinniest bit angry.
After they left the gym (Arthur didn't have football today because of the sudden change of teacher so he would ride with Merlin and his father home.) Arthur tried to talk with Merlin with lighter topics, but as they got closer to the car, Merlin became quieter and quieter until Arthur couldn't get him to reply anymore. Uther looked surprised to see Arthur with Merlin, but after Arthur explained why the practice was canceled, Uther motioned them both to sit in the car.
Arthur took the front seat and Merlin let out a breath that he didn't know he had been holding. He wouldn't sit next to Uther. Uther couldn't touch him. Merlin was quite sure that Uther wouldn't do anything anyway while Arthur was in the car, but he had been afraid from the moment Arthur told him he was coming with him. He had no idea of what to expect from Uther.
Normally their car rides were quiet, but now Merlin listened Uther asking Arthur how his day had been, how were the classes and how was the new PE teacher. Merlin didn't reply to any of Uthers questions and Uther never addressed him while Arthur had already answered his questions. Still, Merlin liked to hear Arthurs answers and it was easier this way when he himself didn't have to draw any attention to himself.
After a while Uther had asked everything he wanted to know and started to comment what he had heard instead. "I hope there are not many days like this without football practices, I expect your team to win now that you are the captain." It wasn't surprising when Arthur just said "Yes father." with a flat tone, but for some reason it pissed Merlin of more than it normally did and before he thought about it, he heard himself say "Arthur was really good in PE today." Arthur flashed him an annoyed look and Merlin felt himself sink. Of course he shouldn't have said anything. He was afraid of Uther enough as it was, and his greatest fear right now was that he would find out how Merlin felt about Arthur. And he hadn't even made the situation easier for Arthur who was now cross with him too.
"Good is not good enough. I expect him to be the best." Uther said never looking away from the road and Arthur was forced to say "Of course, father." with the same flat tone he had used previously. Merlin let his eyes drop to his lap. Uthers words seemed so unreasonable to him. How much was he going to demand from Arthur? Merlin felt bad for him because he knew how tired Arthur was at times, but the same time he found himself thinking if Uther would demand him to do the same as soon as he was Merlins legal guardian after he had married Merlins mother? And if Merlin couldn't do it, would he tell his secret? Or make Merlin touch him every time he didn't come out as best? Merlin watched the back of Arthurs head. He wanted to apologise to Arthur. Somehow he felt the possibility that Arthur was angry at him hurt him more than the reality that kept crushing him from every side.
When they were home, Arthur exited the car taking his bag quickly without looking at Merlin. Merlin tried to go after him, but when the garage door closed after Arthurs back, Uther gripped Merlins arm and held him still with an iron grip. "I'll have you to understand that you are in no position to talk back to me." Uther said with dangerously low voice making Merlin still and scared. Uther squeezed Merlins ass briefly before pushing past him and out of the garage. Merlin stood there for a long time before he didn't dare to stay anymore. He quickly ran into his room and closed his door after him. He felt so empty. He couldn't even go to Arthur now to apologise. He felt that only thing for him he could do, was to stay away from him. That made Merlin feel so sad and lonely.
Merlin had done his homework at least twice now and he was still reading a textbook in order not to think anything when there was a knock on his door. Merlin spun around fearing it was Uther but when the door opened, it was only Arthur. Merlin relaxed immediately and he turned back to his book. He didn't want Arthur to see his relieve. "I… will you lend me your biology notes?" Arthur wanted to tell Merlin he was sorry but this was the closest he managed now. He had planned on actually telling he was sorry, but when Merlin had turned away from him, his nerves had given in.
Merlin felt warmth inside, he knew that Arthur was saying sorry and it meant the world to Merlin "Yeah, sure." He said and handed his notebook for Arthur turning to face him. Arthur took the notebook feeling relieved that Merlin didn't seem any different from usual. He nodded at Merlin signalling his thanks and he was about to go, but he stopped when he heard Merlin speak. "Look... I know I don't have the right to meddle in your business but what it's worth I think you will be a great captain." Arthur turned around, facing Merlins turned back. His words made Arthur happy, but he wasn't convinced. "I'm not so sure about that…" he said and Merlin glanced at him over his shoulder.
"You will, I believe in you." He said with a soft tone and Arthur found himself believing Merlin. He smiled softly at Merlin and Merlin smiled back at him. Arthur felt something shift between them and he felt that he could talk to Merlin now. "I wish I could trust in myself also…" He had never voiced these kind of thoughts to anyone else (than maybe to his sister when they had been little) but it somehow felt right with Merlin.
Merlin looked at Arthur with no signs of him laughing at him or making fun of him. He just asked "Do you like football?". It was a bit weird question, but Arthur decided to answer honestly. He trusted Merlin. "I mean I can see you are good at it but do you like it?" Merlin continued when Arthur took a moment too long to think. "Yeah I guess that at least I used to like it… now, I somehow feel that all I do is in my free time is play." Merlin nodded at him like he understood "And sometimes it's too much?" Arthur nodded at Merlin. It was amazing. Merlin could say what he felt in words. Even if it wouldn't change anything, Arthur now had the words to describe what he felt to himself. It made him feel better.
"And I'm not sure if I have what it takes to be the best…" He continued. He wasn't sure how this was related to what they had just been talking about, but that thought was on top of Arthurs thoughts right now so he just said it. "Forget about having to be the best." Merlins tone was now slightly annoyed and not as soft as it had been just before. Arthur eyes widened a bit "But you heard what father-" he started but Merlin cut his speech "Forget you father for a second!" he said angrily. He didn't like hearing Arthur, who he liked so much and who was so talented and hard working, so worried about opinions of a man Merlin couldn't even think without feeling ashamed. He wished Arthur would stop thinking at Uther all the time. Hell, he hoped he could do that himself.
"You are working hard and you have so much talent in so many things, you have to stop worrying about your father and concentrate on the things you find interesting." Merlin shut his eyes and concentrated on not sounding angry at Arthur. "You have to make your own decisions." He finished with a clear voice before opening his eyes and looking at Arthurs eyes. Arthur was standing in the middle of the room, his mouth slightly open and eyes wide. Merlin wished he could stop feeling that Arthur looked adorable.
"But I- do you really think so?" Arthur finally asked slowly. Merlin half smiled at him and said with a much lighter tone "Yes! You sure are a prat but I think we still have some hope with you." Arthur huffed and took the nearest thing he could throw at Merlin which happened to be (luckily) Merlins couch pillow. Merlin managed to catch it somehow but not before it had hit his face. "Hey! Way to thank me about my concern!" He complained from behind the pillow. "You're an idiot Merlin." Arthur just said, but Merlin didn't even have to see him to know that he was smiling. Merlin really liked when he smiled.
"Get out of my room!" He said in good humour and turned to his books mostly to hide his own smile and his blush. Arthur chuckled and Merlin could hear him move towards the door. "Don't think so much about your father, he is proud of you and eventually he is going to say it too." Merlin added with a serious tone hiding just a tiny bit of sadness in it. Arthur opened the door, but said quietly before he moved out "We'll see about that… " and then he was gone.
Merlin turned to look at the closed door and he hugged the pillow Arthur had thrown at him. He felt stupid how he missed Arthurs presence already. The room felt a bit colder now that Arthur had left. Arthurs presence had filled the space with warmth for Merlin and now Merlin felt lonely again. He squeezed the pillow one last time and forced himself to turn again to his homework. He however left the pillow to the side of his desk. He told himself that it was just to save the trouble of standing up and moving it back to his couch, but at times he found himself twiddling its corner with his fingers while he worked. 'How lame could one become?' He thought to himself but still he didn't take the pillow back.
After Arthur had closed Merlins door, he felt happier and lighter than in a long time. Half of his stress was gone and he again felt like he could concentrate. He looked at the notebook in his hand. He hadn't even thanked Merlin for it. Or anything else on that matter. He cursed himself on his way back to his room. He could have at least done that after making Merlin listen him moaning about his problems never even asking if Merlin had anything he wanted to talk about.
'Stupid.' He thought to himself. He made a mental note to somehow tell Merlin he appreciated him. He really was different. He was Arthurs best friend. They hadn't known each others more than a year and part of that time Arthur had wasted on trying to forget Merlin even existed feeling too angry that he had to work so much harder than Merlin so he had missed how great company he actually was.
Arthur opened Merlins notebook and he saw every lesson scribbled down exactly as they had been presented by their teacher. His handwriting was small and neat if not in a very traditional way, but it was very readable. There were also side notes. Mostly they were questions on the topic and answers to the questions Merlin had probably either asked the teacher or searched the book for them. Arthur found the style very easy to follow and he learned a lot just by reading them once. The notes were much like Merlin himself. They made Arthur think and didn't let him get away too easily, but at the same time Arthur could find all the answers explained clearly and he grew to like Merlins handwriting.
By dinner time Arthur had gone trough half of the material which was at least twice the amount he would have been able to do normally. On the way downstairs he wondered if he could ask Merlin for more of his notes. He even remembered to thank Merlin for loaning them to him "They were useful…" He said making Merlin look happy for the rest of the meal. Arthur felt awesome. He was ahead of his schedule and he had clearly managed to say the right thing to Merlin. He didn't regret at all that his practice had been canceled today.