Merlin hated the last ring of the school bell. When everyone else moved out as fast as they could, Merlin felt like there was lead in his feet and he only made himself move because he didn't want to stand out nor anger Uther by being late. He hated the sight of the school parking lot he saw from the open school door when he exited the building. He hated the sight of Uthers car, always parked to the same exact spot. Merlin steps felt heavier the closer he got to the car.
Somedays Uther was displeased when he was 'dragging on purpose' and those days his touch would be hasher to the point it hurt. Merlin had tried to sit in the back seat again after the day they had rode with Arthur, but Uther had told him to come to sit in the front and Merlin hadn't dared to argue. Merlin tried to avoid situations where Uther would have to tell him something for he was scared even at his voice.
About once or twice a week Uther would come to Merlins room and nowadays he always made Merlin take his pants off along with his boxers. Sometimes Merlin had to get naked all the way. Uther locked his door nowadays and while the lock clicking close made Merlin flinch, it was also a relieve. At least nobody could walk in here while he was like this. Some times Uther would touch Merlin with his hands. He would touch Merlins crotch, his ass, his nipples, everything. Merlin felt like Uthers hands were spreading cold darkness on his skin.
Sometimes he made Merlin touch Uthers thing and Merlin hated that the most. He hated the smell and the feel of it pulsating in his hand. He kind of thought that what did it make Uther if he was hard while naked Merlin touched him, but the logic wasn't very strong in this anyway. Merlin thought that he was dirty and that Uther as an adult thought that he deserved this and he couldn't judge Uther. Every time he tried, his thoughts and blames turned back to himself and he just ended up feeling everything was his fault and that he deserved everything he got. Uther kept telling him as much.
While he touched Merlin, he would always tell him how filthy and shameful he was. If Merlin got even semi hard, Uther would make him look at himself and tell him how much Merlin enjoyed being handled by a man. If Merlin didn't get hard, he would tell him how disgusting it was that nothing seemed to be enough for Merlin. Merlin didn't know what was truth and what was not, but he was sure of one thing. He was disgusting and his body was too.
Uther never stayed very long and it was over faster if Merlin did as he was told without delay. Still every time Merlin heard a door close or someone getting closer to him anywhere in the house, he felt fear. Even in school he avoided touch as much as possible. He felt like he was spreading his dirtiness if he let even Gwen touch his shoulder casually or what ever.
The only thing he could do to make himself forget, was to study. He would sit in front of his desk after he came from school until it was time to eat dinner and he would continue until late. He hated when Uther woke him up after he had fallen asleep, so he stayed up late to be sure he wasn't coming in anymore. This of course made Merlin tired at mornings and silent at school. Gwen joked about his tiredness and Vivian who sometimes waited with them for the classes to start commented once how dark circles didn't suit his face. When she said 'face' it sounded like something upsetting.
Afterwards Merlin told Gwen that the wig someone had put on a potato and named it 'Vivian' didn't suit the world. Gwen had laughed so hard she had to go to washroom to dry her eyes. Things like that made Merlin feel better with his life and school was gradually becoming a place where he could be more free and brave and safe. Uther couldn't get him until the end of his school day.
One night, Merlin saw a dream about Arthur. He was everything Merlin had wanted him to be. He kissed Merlin softly and hugged Merlin gently. He took his shirt of and reveal his muscular chest. Merlin couldn't help himself and he touched Arthurs chest. He caressed it and when Arthur hugged him closed, Merlins hands wandered to his still clothed ass.
Arthur caressed Merlins sides and face and kissed Merlins neck softly. Merlin felt himself grow hard and he wanted to see Arthur more but Arthur kept him close and presses himself agains Merlin. "Nngh…" Merlin felt so hot, so warm. He wanted to touch Arthur more but Arthur still kept him close. He lowered Merlin to a soft matters and started kissing his chest. "Art..hur" merlin moaned in his pillow as he felt Arthur flip him to his side and cares his bottom. "Aa.. Arthur…" he felt so good… he wanted Arthur so much… Suddenly it was hard to breath and he felt too hot. He…
Merlin woke up his face against his pillow and as he turned to have some air, he had to think for a while where he was and which way was up. He remembered Arthurs body so clearly and for a while he felt hot and missing the contact. Then reality drawer to him and he felt his heart sink. He had a dreamed about his future stepbrother. His male stepbrother. He… He rose up to sit and when he moved, he felt something in between his legs. He rose his blanket but he knew what had happened even before he saw it. He had ejaculated. He had gotten a wet dream of Arthur. How could this happen? How could he be so out of control?
Merlin felt so dirty. He had been asleep and he had moaned Arthurs name in his dream. What if he had done that out loud? What if he would do that by accident in front of Arthur? Or Uther? Or what if he got hard just by being close to Arthur? Arthur… he would hate him for sure he would tell everyone… he… Merlin felt suddenly cold. So cold… He buried himself back to his blanked and covered his head. His bed smelled like his semen but he just shivered and couldn't get himself to move. He laid there for a long time before he fell into a restless sleep.
After that Merlin felt cautious about his own body. He had avoided contact before, but now he jumped every time someone touched him and even Arthur asked him what's the matter when he practically fled across the room when Arthur put his arm around his shoulder after their last lab where they had just gotten a full credit.
Merlin couldn't tell him anything else than that he didn't like when someone touched him. Arthur had seemed to buy it and Merlin wished he would keep that in mind and never touch Merlin again. At the same time his shoulders felt warm where Arthurs hand had been and he regretted that it would probably be the last time Arthur would do something like that. When Gwen also asked him the same thing and told Merlin she was worried, Merlin already had an excuse of having a bad dream haunting him. In a way he felt it was true… his nightmare just seemed to be inside of him even when he was awake.
Hunith had also completed her first half of her first year in nursing school. Her grades had been top notch and Merlin was proud of her. Hunith also was proud when she saw Merlins grades. They were all in the top. Merlin had studied and studied and eventually he had picked up even the subjects he wasn't that interested in. Actually he hardly remembered anymore which subjects he liked. Even the ones he had never cared for and those which teachers he didn't like that much, turned more interesting when he learned more, and they actually gave him more challenge and so kept him working longer. Still his own interest had gradually lowered and studying was more of an escape for him than anything else. But seeing his mother happy made it alright. Merlin didn't want to betray her with this also.
Hunith and Uther married on Christmas Day. It was small occasion with the most expensive settings Merlin had ever seen in weddings (Of course in his home village part of the celebration had been to slaughter a lamb and roast it whole…). Hunith had been able to invite Will and Wills mother but they couldn't come when it was Christmas and all.
Merlin had talked with Will on the phone who had complained about how he missed change to see how Merlins new fancy life was alongside the fact that Merlin called him more rarely. Merlin had kept up the facade that he was also bummed that Will couldn't come and that he would have a boring party because of that, but in reality he felt uneasy facing his former best friend. He was sure he would see right trough him and Merlin had been imaging over and over again how Will would be disgusted with him being gay until his mother had called Hunith that they couldn't make it.
So there was no-one Hunith knew coming to the party. There were some Uthers friends and business associates and to Merlins surprise one of them was Vivian and her father. Arthur told him that there was going to be some rich families with sons of their age, but that they were mainly boring to talk to. He also warned Merlin from going near Vivian when her father was around.
"He has a habit of making a breakfast out of anyone who as much as looks at his daughter for too long." Merlin had looked at him and laughed, but he had stopped when he had seen how serious Arthur looked. "Don't tell me you have tried and got to her fathers wrong side?" He had asked skeptically feeling slight pain in his chest at the thought of Arthur liking Vivian like that. Arthur had looked at him unimpressed "No. She's not my type. She's rude." That had made Merlins day and he had calmly listened Arthur to tell him twice who was who and how he was supposed to greet all the guests.
The wedding party itself was beautiful. The decorations were very Christmassy and Merlin liked them very much. Hunith had a white dress with golden rims on it and Merlin thought she looked beautiful. When he told this to his mother, Hunith blushed and hugged Merlin telling him how handsome he looked in the suit Uther had bought for him. Merlin let his mother hug him and for once, he felt himself melt in her hug. It was warm and full of love. He loved his mother so much… How could he wish that she had never met Uther when she looked so happy right now? Merlin felt himself selfish and when he saw how handsome Arthur looked in his suit, Merlin felt himself dirty also. With everything around him so beautiful and sparkling and smiling, he felt himself a lower form of life. He could just marvel at the beauty of it all from the permanent shadow he was in.
When Merlin turned 15, he didn't want to celebrate it in any way. He got his gifts in the morning of new years day and he thanked every one of them, but he didn't feel like having them because he didn't feel like he deserved any of them. Uther had practically told him that the suit was part of his present and he had given Merlin an envelope which contents told Merlin that his money had doubled. It meant very little to him. He had no idea of what to use it for and to him it felt mostly like a number in a piece of paper.
His mother had bought him a nice silver tie clip that matched his blue tie with a nice ornament on it and a carving of Merlins initials. After further inspection he saw that the ornament was forming a bird. A merlin. He thanked his mother and he actually hoped he could use his tie pin soon. Arthur had bought the nicest looking pencil Merlin had ever seen. It moved smoothly on paper and it was sharp so it was easy for Merlin to write with it. Regular pencils smeared when he wrote because Merlin liked to write with small lettering. The pen was cold and silver and very stylish. Merlin felt his heart ache when he held it and wished he could show how much he appreciated it, but when he wrote with it, he felt guilty. He really didn't deserve any of this.
Uther had left Merlin alone for the most of the Christmas holidays. He and Hunith had 'honeymoon' so they stayed some nights at a hotel and they went out quite a lot to eat and stuff like that. So when the school started again and Hunith had to start studying again, Merlin wasn't sure if he was clad or not. Either way, Merlin was clad that his mother was away all the days and stayed late till dinner time because most of the time he felt too ashamed to face her. He felt that he couldn't talk to her very long or either she would see right through him.
Unfortunately for Merlin, the amount of time he and his mother got during the holidays with nothing to do, gave them too many opportunities to spend time together and talk. Merlin had hard time making up excuses to be alone. He once even faked a flu and afterwards he spend half of his night hanging his upper body outside of his window hoping he would really get sick, but after freezing himself so that he shivered even after an hour later, he still didn't get sick. Stupid winters spend outside for making him tolerant.
It was half way through February when Hunith reminded them one night while they were eating dinner that her internship in the next period would start in two days. It would take her working in a hospital for nights also. Merlin knew he should be clad, now he would get the peace he had wanted, but he didn't. He felt anxious and fear touched him while Hunith told them the details. "It will be every third night in night shift and then one day in a day shift and one day of rest. I'm afraid that I don't have enough time to sleep if I come back here after night shift, but Susan said I can go to sleep at her place." she told them smiling brightly.
Merlin knew how much she had been waiting for actually getting to work at real hospital, but he couldn't help himself but feel angry. He had totally forgotten the whole thing and now he was hearing that his mother would be away not one night every three days, but two! "We will also get to wear the real uniform." She continued enthusiastically. "We will all have someone to supervise us of course but…" Merlin slammed his cutlery in the table with more force than necessary and took his plate. "I'm done, thank you for the meal." he said with a voice that he knew would upset his mother but right now, he didn't care.
"Merlin… what…" His mother started sounding confused and upset but Uther cut in "Don't worry my love, I'll talk to him." Merlin was already half way to the stairs but he still heard this. He almost turned back and he felt like running into his mothers arms to safety apologising his actions, but he knew he couldn't do that, so he continued to his room and slammed his door shut only for it to be opened seconds later by Uther.
Merlin refused to look at his stepfather and wished against his reason that he would just go away. As he heard the lock on his door click, all his anger evaporated and all he could feel was fear. "I hope you understand that you hurt your mothers feelings with your little stunt." Merlin still didn't move but he felt like he was standing on a quick sand and sinking did he nothing or made it worse by struggling.
"You have been a bad boy and bad boys need to be punished." Uthers voice was much closer to him that he had thought it would be and he flinched. "Take of your pants." Merlin couldn't breath and as he did nothing, Uther opened his belt and teared his pants off himself with a rough movement.
"Kneel." This was new and it didn't help Merlin to breath as he was so afraid of what would happen to him. "Kneel!" the second command had more force on it and Merlin suddenly felt afraid that his mother would hear him downstairs. "Please don't tell her!" He pleaded in a quiet desperate voice. Uther just pushed him down to face his crotch and suddenly Merlin knew what he had to do.
As Uther opened his own belt in a slow movement, Merlin felt his heart race and his vision blur. His head hurt and he couldn't breath properly. He could just stare as Uther took his swelling member from his pants. To Merlin it seemed huge and it smelled nauseating this close "N…" Merlin started to protest but Uther took a fist full of his hair and forced himself in Merlins mouth.
The taste was awful and Merlin gaged as Uthers penis hit his throat. Merlin tried to push him away with his hands but Uther took one of his wrists and bent and squeezed it painfully in an awkward position which made Merlin stop struggling. Uther kept pumping into his mouth, keeping Merlins jaw open with his left hand thumb that he had wedged in between Merlins back teeth. After a while Merlins jaw hurt and he felt sick as he felt Uther grow even bigger in his mouth.
"See yourself, how you want to be like this, kneeled on a floor where you belong." Uther panted in between thrusts. Merlin shut his eyes as nausea started taking him over and he concentrated on thinking 'This is not happening, this is not happening, this is not happening…' over and over in his head. He mildly noted that his hand had been released when he had grown limb.
It felt like forever before a sound made it past his mantra. A sound like a shutter. The same one as in his cellphone... in his camera! Merlin opened his eyes just to see a flash light go on his face. Uther had his cellphone in his hand and he had just taken a picture of Merlin sucking him off.
Merlins world ended right then.
He heard Uthers grunt as he came into Merlins mouth and gave it a final thrust. Merlin heard him make a satisfied grunt as he slipped out of Merlins mouth. Merlin gagged and couched and he felt the thick smell of semen in the air as he tried to spat it all out. "I trust you wont make your mother upset anymore." were the last words from Uther before Merlin heard the lock click and the door open and close again.
Merlin was sweaty and he felt like the world was spining. He felt nausea rise from his throat and he ran to his bathroom. He threw up everything he had eaten that night. As the spams from his stomach calmed down and left only dull pain in his stomach and head, he spat several times into his toilet. "Shit, shit!" he swore and sobbed against the toilet seat.
The smell of vomit was thick in the air but Merlin was actually clad that he couldn't smell Uthers semen anymore. After about 15 minutes- or it could have been an hour, Merlin couldn't tell the difference, he had calmed down enough to stand up, flush the toilet and take off his shirt that had mixture of Uthers semen and his saliva in it and throw it into a bin. He would never want to wear it now. He looked his reflection on his mirror and saw that his eyes were red and that his face was pale. He felt hungry and cold but he couldn't bring himself to go to downstairs and even thought of eating made him nauseous again. His throat hurt.
Merlin brushed his teeth and tongue until it hurt and he still couldn't rid himself completely from Uthers taste. When he went to bed, he felt like blackness was spearing in his skin darker than ever showing all the world how dirty he was. He cried into his pillow until he fell asleep that night.
The next day Merlins appetite was gone. Everything tasted like Uther in his mouth and everything even remotely white or slimy made him shudder violently. In school he could eat something but mainly something like ships or candies that Gwen offered him before chemistry class. They were now lab partners and Arthur had the luck of having Vivian. Only thing making Merlins day a bit brighter was to see Arthur try to sit as far away from Vivian as possible as Vivian was either trying to sit as close to Arthur as possible or try her best to mess up some part of the experiment they were working for. Gwen also seemed happy every day that she was reminded that she didn't have to work with the potato (as she called her now) anymore.
"Vivian told me that her father is super strict and won't let her spend any time anywhere near boys when there are no adults present." Gwen whispers into Merlins ear at one class when she caught him watching at their direction. "I suppose she wants to take all she can." she giggled. Merlin frowned a bit but tried not to show it.
Even if he felt that he and Arthur were in different worlds and he knew he had no change with him, he still hated the thought of Vivian making herself like this for Arthur. Just then Vivian flashed one of her big eyed, eyelashes fluttering, blond haired, female smiles and Merlin had to turn away. "Be careful Merlin, you might get her to be your sister-in-law." Gwen teased at the same time as she pipetted some ethanol in their graduated cylinder.
Merlin felt his expression turn sour and when Gwen looked at him, her grin faded. "I didn't mean it… Merlin what's wrong?" Her tone changed to a worried one. "Nothing." he said in a bit more annoyed tone than he had meant to use. "Merlin…" Gwen said in a tone he knew his mother could use when Merlin had fallen down and told it was nothing when he was a child. But he wasn't that child anymore so Gwens voice just managed to piss him off.
"Do you like Vivian?" Gwen asked curiosity in his voice and Merlin knew she was not joking. "No!" He denied and turned to face Gwen so quickly that one of their class container fell from the table and broke into a million pieces. Now everyone was watching him. Some even clapped sarcastically. Merlin blushed and went under the table to collect the shards. The broken class looked to him much like he felt inside.
He had just picked up the biggest shards when Gwen came from behind him carrying a dustpan. "I'm sorry" she said quietly while helping Merlin clean up. "I just… that was stupid of me." She sounded sad and ashamed to herself so Merlin couldn't do anything else but to forgive her. "It's alright…" It was not her fault that he was so messed up. In fact he should be crateful for every moment Gwen spent with him. And for every second she didn't find out how disturbed he really was.
"I'm sorry too, I guess I'm just a bit tired…" Gwen looked a second like she was not buying it but smiled at him instead of calling him for it. "It's alright, we are friends aren't we." With that she went to take the class away and left Merlin to climb from under the table. Friends… it made him remember that there were other things in life than Uther and him. He felt warm but at the same time scared. How betrayed Gwen would feel if she ever knew what Merlin was and what he had done yesterday. Merlin could just hope that she never found out.
When the night came, the last bits of Merlins appetite were gone. He barely ate any dinner at all. Everything tasted like ash in his mouth and food felt foreign and too warm in his stomach. His mother would have her first day at the hospital tomorrow, a day shift and she asked Merlin if he was ok with it. Merlin had no choice but to force smile to his face and tell her to be the best nurse they have ever seen. Hunith beamed at him and Merlin felt his smile turn real for a moment before he turned back to his meal he had mostly just spread around his plate. He felt that he could now eat a little bit. But just as he had swallowed a piece of fish they had for dinner, Uther decided to speak "Yes, I'm clad we had a good conversation yesterday, aren't you too, Merlin?"
Merlin frowned and he fought for an urge to spit all the food left in his mouth out. "Yes" he muttered keeping his eyes fixed in his plate. He heard Uther make a satisfied noise and his mother thanked Uther for talking with Merlin yesterday… Merlin could barely keep himself sitting still and he certainly couldn't make himself eat anymore. He concentrated himself on moving the food around his plate once more in a way that made it look like he had eaten some of it. "You disgusting whore." Merlin snapped his head up at an echo of Uthers voice that soon turned to his mothers voice. "Merlin, are you listening at all? I told you tonight it's your work to clean the table as you left yesterday…" Merlin just nodded. He was hearing things now… was he even sane anymore, he had no idea.
When he was cleaning the table his mind was million miles away. He could hear tv from the living room and he knew his mother and Uther were watching tonights news. "Don't let it get to you." Merlin jumped and turned himself to face Arthur. He hadn't remembered Arthur was there… "He is like that, makes every accomplice you make his and every mistake you make yours. Don't let it get to you."
Merlin knew he should say something but he just stared at Arthur who took a plate in front of him and gave it to Merlin. "You told me something similar not too long ago, so now I'm returning the favour." With that Arthur turned to go to his room. Merlin was left to feel warm the second time that day and also guilty for making Arthur be nice for him as at the same time he was lusting for him… He felt unworthy for Arthurs kind words. And so stupid that the prat had to tell him practically the same thing Merlin had told Arthur ages ago. Even if it was not the same thing Arthur had thought that it was.
Arthur closed his door behind him and sighed. He didn't want to see Merlin like this. He liked Merlin cheerful and witty and demanding… not in the same place under Uthers iron will that he had been himself his whole life. He hoped he could make things easier for Merlin like Merlin had made them easier for him. He regretted every thought he had in the past of Merlin having it easier than him. That was not true and he knew that now. It had been Arthurs own decision to start football and apply to be a captain. He saw that now.
Like Merlin had taught him, his father couldn't have done anything if Arthur had just told him that he didn't make it to be a captain. Or that he wanted to quit football. Not anything else than tell him again how disappointed he was at him. And that wasn't anything new to Arthur. But it was for Merlin. Arthur wished Merlin could trust him the same way that he trusted Merlin… He wished he could be something special for Merlin, like Merlin was for him…
When Merlin finished cleaning up the table he also returned to his room. When he passed Arthurs door he wished he could go in there and hug Arthur and thank him for caring and… He felt desperate again. He couldn't cry again so he went to his room and opened his english books and started to read the next chapter for the third time today. He had to get his mind in check. Into a mode where there were no Uther or Arthur or his dirty thoughts or quilt… So he kept reading until he had finished the book and it was time to go to sleep. Uther didn't come that night. Merlin fell to his bed with clothes on and fell asleep at the same time his head touched his pillow.
The next morning Merlin felt weak. 'I shouldn't be surprised…. I haven't gotten much to eat for two days now…' He pulled himself up from the bed anyway. He didn't eat breakfast, feeling faint was better than feeling scared and ashamed all the time. While hungry, Merlin found he didn't care so much. Hunith was still sleeping so she could survive her first night shift in 15 years. She would be gone when Merlin came back from school today and wouldn't be home for two nights… Merlin feared what those nights would bring.
School was uneventful. Merlin had read so much in advantage and so many times, that there was hardly anything new for him. Still he concentrated on making as good notes as possible so he had something to study at home and in hope that Arthur would loan them again and find them useful again. He even asked for some extra work from their mathematics teacher, he told her that he had some trouble with the subject and that he needed more practice. Math is one of the rare subjects one cannot do again after few times after all… He got more paper than he had ever seen one person store in their drawer. Maybe she had been waiting for years for someone to ask…
For last class Merlin and Arthur headed for PE. Merlin felt that he had no energy to run and he desperately hoped they would have something light… Maybe badminton…?
But noooo… After trying his hardest not to look at Arthur when they were changing, Lance told them to run cooper test after warm up. Apparently they were going to run it once every two weeks and keep record of their progress… Just his luck. After running for twelve minutes Merlins head was spinning and his legs felt like lead. He had been a good runner back at home, his legs had always been long and he was light build. "2150, not bad Merlin." Lance commented as he told his rounds to his record. Merlin was happy that he could do that much in his state but at the same time he knew that he had done better in the past. And now he was taller… "3050, great done Arthur!" Merlin turned his head to see Arthurs smug grin. 'Great…' Merlin thought sarcastically. The worst thing at this class after the fact that it would still continue was the fact that it would eventually end and he had to go home… Where he would be with Uther alone until Arthur would get home from football practice three hours later.
As he had thought the end of the class didn't bring much relieve as he had to shower (with his luck) right next to Arthur and as he had forgotten his towel, he had to share Arthurs… Just to get a little bit time for himself, he went to change fresh clothes to bathroom which he knew others would comment on him later. He smelled Arthurs towel. It smelled so nice… He squeezed the towel in his hands and buried his face in it. God… he felt the small bathroom too open and took contort on the fact that it was single bathroom with a lock on the door. He listened the usual noise from outside until it died down, sitting on the toilet seat, holding Arthurs towel in his grasp. The last thing he heard was Arthurs voice telling him to put the towel back to his locker because he would need it after his practice again. Then it went quiet.
He had to go. Uther would be pissed. He would again be angry for Merlin making him wait. He would touch him again… Still Merlin couldn't make himself to move. 'Maybe Uther is right… maybe I want this… Wouldn't I have gone already otherwise? I'm just making it worse.' Merlin heard a tiny voice in his head 'No, no, no!' He couldn't live with that. He couldn't… he- he couldn't be like that. So he dragged himself up and opened the bathroom door. The locker room felt too spacey and the air too fresh but he had to go. He left the towel to Arthurs locker neatly folded and hoped Arthur would understand that as a thank you for lending his towel and leaving him be.
Uther had parked his car right next to the door and Merlin could see even from afar that he was in trouble. Uther opened the front door for him, but Merlin opened the back door in defiance for himself. "Get in the front seat Merlin." But Merlin sat down on the back seat anyway. "I'm warning you…" Merlin heard the threat but didn't move. Uther didn't give him second warning and he shut the door and started the car. Merlin knew that he would be in trouble when they arrived at the house… he couldn't bring himself to think it as a home anymore. His home is in a river bench, surrounded by fields and it was small and comfortable.
The whole journey Merlin was, funnily enough, calm. He knew he was safe for another ten minutes that they still had to drive. But when the car parked in their garage and Uther opened the drivers door, Merlin felt panic rise in his chest. Uther dragged Merlin from his seat and took him straight to his room. "You are hurting me…" Merlin didn't really think it would change anything, but he tried anyway.
Uther didn't even blink and just threw Merlin into his bed and took him by his neck to a sitting position thrusting Merlins face to his groin. "Open it." There was no place for argument in that tone and Merlin felt his mouth dry. This was it. He would have to do it again. And again, and again. Uther wouldn't let him get away anymore.
He didn't know what to do but open Uthers belt. His hands were unsure and they felt weak and clumsy. When he had finally opened Uthers belt and chipper, Uther fished his staff from his boxers. "Suck it off." He said and pulled Merlins hand to grab the base of his cock. It felt foreign in Merlins hand even now and he felt nausea raising its head again as the smell of Uther filled his head. "Now suck it." When Merlin didn't move immediately, Uther again grabbed a hand full of Merlins hair and forced his mouth to open by bending Merlins neck backwards by his hair. Merlin shut his eyes in pain and his mouth opened to a silent yell. Uther pushed Merlin on to him violently.
Soon Merlin was again fighting for gaging, his hand still on Uthers thing and his mouth moving back and forth. "You will learn to respect me, boy." 'respect…' That word rang weird in Merlins ears, but the disgust wiped that thought from his head as Uther suddenly pulled his hair back and came all over his face. Merlin still had his mouth open and some of the cum got in his mouth too. He heard the camera go again.
Uther let his hair go and Merlin touched his face only to make his fingers wet with cum. He stared at it disbelieving and his face twisted and he tried to spit the cum out from his mouth but it was so deep that he ended up inhaling some of it. "Clean yourself up." Uther said in a tone that suggested that he had just deliberately gotten himself fitly and was now dirtying the house on purpose. "Dirty faggot." was the last thing Uther mumbled as he unlocked the door and exited the room.
Merlin again ran to his bathroom and threw up. He had next to nothing in his stomach so throwing up was painful and Merlin felt tears burn his eyes. Still the thought of the shallowed semen made him gag over and over again. At some point he realised he could drink some water just to throw something up… He took a class that he used to rinse his mouth and filled it with water. He drank it quickly and it came up almost immediately. It was easier to throw up when he had something to vomit.
Finally he couldn't continue anymore and he drank two big classes of water and brushed his teeth. He wanted to do something, something- anything! He wanted to yell or cry or scream or brake something. Preferably himself. He went to his bed and threw every pillow and blanket and he even teared his bedsheets from his bed and threw them into a corner. After that he just breathed heavily for a while. He looked at his room and it was messy. Like that time when he cleaned up Arthurs room… It seamed to be so long time ago…
He moved slowly to clean up the mess he had created. He put the sheets back, he gathered his pillows and blankets and made his bed again. He then took his school bag out and started from page one of the math exercises his teacher had given him. At some point he heard Arthur come home but he only moved from his seat when Arthur came to tell him the food was ready. They were having pesto chicken with vegetables today but Merlin barely ate any of it. He snuck the rest of his food to bin when no-one was looking and returned to his room quickly. He then worked until late in the night and only went to sleep after midnight when he couldn't make difference between number 3 and 9 anymore.
After his defiance against Uther Merlin learned his lesson. He sat in the front seat and let Uther touch him on the way home. Sometimes it was just a hand in his tight, sometimes it was a hand in his trousers feeling him up. He went straight from his classes to Uthers car and when his mother was not home at night, he sucked Uther off. It was almost a routine now. Uther would come to Merlins room late in the evening, Merlin was never asleep yet because he didn't want to sleep before he was too tired to be afraid or thinking about Arthur. Uther would make Merlin suck him and touch him with his hand.
Merlin did it himself now. He knew if he didn't suck, Uther would grab his hair and push himself into Merlins mouth. Merlin tried to avoid that because it hurt. Sometimes Uther would also touch Merlin and sometimes Merlin would get hard from that. Not nearly always now, but he hated himself for it every time more and more. After Uther had left, Merlin would throw up and shower. The blackness he had felt was spreading and now he felt like it was spreading under his skin and going deeper into his very soul. Eventually it would consume him. He showered and tried to wash himself, but it was no use… He felt dirtier every time.
His decreased appetite and regular throwing up was starting to show. He should have seen it coming when one dinner his mother changer the previous subject and turned her attention to Merlin "Merlin dear, you are barely eating…" she said with a concerned voice. "And you are so thin nowadays… are you eating enough?" Merlin tried to think fast what to tell her. He had been sick? No, why wouldn't he told her before… He had no appetite? He was throwing up? He … he... what was he doing?
"It's nothing mom, I'm growing that's all…" His mother didn't look convinced "That's even more reason you should be eating healthily. You have left a lot of food many days now…" she said with a scolding tone. "It's because I ate huge lunch at school… There have been great food recently." he was again getting annoyed, it was his own business how much he ate.
"Really Merlin, you liked that supposed-to-be-chicken casserole?" Merlin turned his head to look at Arthur. Arthur usually wouldn't have participate in thins kind of conversation but now he was looking directly at him challenge in his eyes. Merlin knew why. It was because Arthur had addressed him about him not eating at school just today and Merlin had dodged him with the exact same words.
At some other time he would have felt warmth inside of him from Arthurs concern, but right now he felt everyone in the table watching him. He had to make something up fast and he would need Arthurs help to get his mother off his back… and Uther. He couldn't take his wrath today. His mother was home having a day off today, he couldn't brake his routine… He breathed slowly in order to calm himself "Yes, I liked that supposed-to-be-chicken, we all haven't been raised with a chef in our back pocked." Now it was up to Arthur. Merlin looked at him in the eyes hoping he would get the message and question him later.
To his surprise Arthurs first reaction was to blush. "I didn't mean to say that you…" he said quietly but then seemed to catch himself and the original situation. He looked at Merlin in a way that told him he would have to explain this to Arthur in the near future. The look only lasted for a second as Uther decided that this conversation was over. "Merlin, I except you to speak with respect to Arthur in the table. I'll have no picking up fights in my presence." He said in a calm tone which still stopped Merlin from breathing.
"Dear, I believe it was a joke. These two have been getting along much better…" his mother said in a calming voice. Merlin could see that she thought this situation was being made to be worse than it really was. She was forgetting her previous concerns. Merlin didn't know how to feel that Uther had actually helped him, knowingly or not. "I didn't see Arthur laughing." Uther was not ready to change his mind. "Farther, it was because I realised that I said something out of line, I should respect our schools food more… and Merlin was just reminding me of that." Merlin felt like a tiny warm firework had been lit in his chest. Arthur was defending him…
Uther held Arthur with a gaze that should melt iron. "All right then." He finally said and the conversation was over. Just to be sure, Merlin made sure to eat as much as he could. He cut everything into tiny pieces and shallowed without biting, holding his breath so he couldn't taste. When the meal was over, he made sure to walk past his mother so she could see he had eaten. He felt heavy and too full and his head felt weird like in sugar high.
Back in his room he went to sit on his couch not actually sure if he could keep it all inside of him if he lied down and didn't have gravity on his side. As he sat there concentrating on not throwing up at the force of breathing simply too deeply or moving too quickly. He realised that this was the first time in a long time in his room that he wasn't studying. He let his mind wander back to the dinner. He had to be more careful. He couldn't let his mother notice… He would have to start to eat more, he was getting thinner and he had never had much weight on him… He decided to go to weight himself. There was a scale in his bathroom so he stepped on it and waited for a result.
48kg…
Merlin looked at it in disbelieve.
48kg…. He had lost 6kg in just two weeks, of course his mother would notice! Merlin felt his heart raze painfully. And he had just eaten too… He couldn't let this happen… He had to make a plan to gain weight again and fast. He stormed back to his room and to his desk. There was somewhere the notes for normal energy and nutrition...
2000 calories… His head told him the answer before he could find the notes. Of course… he had read the notes so many times… So 2000 calories a day. As he mentally skipped through what he had eaten in past few days he realised that it's not nearly enough. He had to start watching himself. He would get that 2000 calories and even more until his weight was normal again. He touched his sides and felt his ribs. He shuddered when it dawned to him that at this rate he would get very sick. 'And then they would notice…' He really had to keep this secret. He looked down and noticed that his slim fit t-shirt did nothing to hide how thin he was. Did he have something else…?
Merlin walked to his closet and skimmed through his shirts. He managed to find something he had not wore in a long time… a blue and a red long-sleeved turtleneck shirts. He took his t-shirt off and tried the blue one on. It still fit and it felt warm. He went to his bathroom to check how it looked from the mirror. He was surprised that it actually fit quite well… It was a tad bit faded but otherwise it was in good condition. The fabric was thick and soft and warm and when he moved a bit he noticed that the fabric hid his body shape well. Merlin felt relieved and decide to wear it (and the red one) until he had gained more weight. He also tried them on with a t-shirt underneath. It was even better.
As Merlin once again sat on his sofa he actually felt pretty good. He felt warm in his newly found shirt and the meal finally starting to settle in his stomach. Uther would also stay away because his mother was home and Arthur… Arthur had helped him. The thought of Arthur made his mood go down again. Yes, Uther wouldn't most likely come today, but there was no escaping from himself now was there… Merlin sighed and moved to his table to grab a book. He chose history and moved back to his couch. He flipped the pages to a random location and started to read.
He had read through Ottomans empire when Arthur came knocking on his door. When Merlin heard the knocking he jumped up almost dropping his book. When Arthur didn't hear any reply, (honestly he wasn't even sure if one could hear any reply trough the thick doors of this house) he just walked in just to find Merlin standing next to his couch, weird look on his face like he had been caught in doing something very, very wrong. "Merlin…" He said slowly, sounding suspecting. "Ye- yeah" Merlin managed to stutter. "Thats a history book, not porn, relax a bit." Arthur said with a grin and taunt in his voice. Merlin blushed and was clad that he only had this dim reading light on and even that was behind his back from where Arthur was looking at him, so Arthur couldn't see his face very well.
"Really Merlin, studying again… you either are incredibly stupid or you are going to wash the floors with the rest of us when we have tests in this period." Arthur continued as he made his way to sit next to still standing Merlin. "Sit." Now Arthur sounded like he was talking to an incredible slow being. Merlin sat down only half a meter apart from Arthur even if he was sitting on the very end of his couch. This furniture was clearly too small…
Arthur sighed. "Merlin I want to talk to you…" Merlin squirmed as he knew from the change of Arthurs tone what was coming. "I know you don't eat at school and that you don't eat at home, so where do you eat? You are never going to pass the PE at this rate, look at you!" He pinched Merlins arm "Hey!" Merlin yelped sounding insulted. Arthur ignored him and said "Only skin and bone, seriously Merlin, I understand how you don't want to talk about this with Hunith and Father but seriously I will tell them if you don't do something yourself soon." Arthur knew he said 'seriously' twice but he was serious.
He had noticed Merlins lack of eating some time ago and as he had thought it for a week now, he had remembered some PE talk Lance had given them about nutrition and he remembered this thing called anorexia. The disease to make one trying to be perfect. Perfectly thin with usually perfect scores. It was usually girls who got that but Lance had made a clear point how boys could also have that and Merlin fit the bill perfectly. Arthur didn't want that for Merlin. He didn't want him to wither away and burry his head on the books… he was perfect the way he was.
Arthur sighed when Merlin casted his eyes down. "Look Merlin, I know that this family tends to put pressure on you and I'm not the best one to make this any easier for you but really, you can talk to me if you want. We could do some stuff together, you are far too often holed up in here." Merlin looked at Arthur amazed. He didn't think Arthur would go this far for him… "Will you take me outside?" He asked hopefully. Merlin had wanted to leave this house for many times a day for ages now, but he didn't know any places to go… and Uther didn't let him leave if he didn't have any reason to leave…
As Merlin was feeling sincerely hopeful and his eyes sparkled at Arthur with images of the outside world, he didn't notice Arthurs slight blush. "Yeah… sure." He replied trying to sound nonchalant about it. "Where do you want to go?" He asked happy that he had finally managed to offer his help to Merlin and happy that he had clearly done the right thing with him. "I don't really know much places here… anywhere is fine!" Merlin couldn't believe his luck! He could get out of the house and go spend time with Arthur…
Arthur smiled at Merlin and told him that he was going to go to a park to play some football with his team mates saturday and Merlin could come with them if he wanted. "Is all you do football?" Merlin laughed. "Of course not! We can go do something else some other day…" Arthur said thinking that he should have suggested something else. "No, no... football is fine as long as I don't have to play…" Merlin corrected him fast not wanting to wait to some other week. Arthur smirked the way that seemed to say 'We'll see about that…'
Oh, that grin was beautiful… Merlin had to fight his urge to hug Arthur and smell his neck and… Merlin mentally slapped himself and tried to focus back to his book automatically but Arthur snatched the book away. "No, not any more of this, come to my room, I was thinking of watching a movie anyway." Merlin looked doubtful so Arthur added "I'll let you hold my hand if you get scared." Arthur realised that he was only half joking. But it was Merlins reaction that made him grin like a lunatic. Merlin blushed darkly and he opened his mouth as to say something but just a sound that reminded him of fish pulled into a dry land came out. "…Prat…" Was Merlins reply after he got himself together and Arthur just laughed.
"Come on, I have to wake up tomorrow. I can't sleep until I get to school like some of us, I have to run." Alright Merlin could sleep until his ride to school, but it wasn't his fault that it was easier for him to sleep in mornings than nights… And it was Arthurs own idea to run to school! Still he let Arthur drag him up and followed him to his room while feeling a still warm spot where Arthur had touched his arm. When Arthur sat on the middle of his couch after putting the movie on, Merlin sat on the floor next to the end of the couch. He had found courage to come to Arthurs room but still didn't dare to sit even as close as on the same furniture as Arthur if he could choose.
The movie was a war movie from the dark ages and about one of the many wars between Scotland and England. Merlin couldn't help himself but see their history teachers point of how much there were mistakes in historical movies and he started to comment on them as the movie went on. "You are starting to sound like Geofrey… Merlin shut up." Was the thank you for his hard work but he grinned anyway. "You are just easy to please." he shot back "I need some higher culture to satisfy my higher functioning brain." he continued the last part mimicking their history teachers dusty voice making Arthur laugh.
The story was interesting and the footage wasn't bad so they both liked the movie and even Merlin admitted that he was alright them eating with forks and having tunics that weren't in fashion until hundred years later… When Merlin returned to his room to sleep, he felt happy. For a time seemed like forever he went to sleep early and slept well until morning.