About 250 kcal from breakfast and another 100 from chocolate from wending machine… He would have to get at least 600 from school lunch… Merlin had started to eat more. At first it was difficult but now, after just three days, he was getting a hang of it. He could eat, and he had gained some weight, but he still couldn't help put throw up after Uther visited his room. He didn't even want to stop because he felt like that was the only way to rid him of Uther from his insides. But that was something he could do nothing right now so Merlin ignored it.
Concentrating on eating gave him something new to think about and he had even got a book about nutrition from the schools library. He had memorised many common ingredients calories and he calculated his estimate calorie input at least five times a day. He felt a bit obsessed, but this was better than most of the obsessions he could get… He was quite sure of that.
Arthur also seemed pleased and Merlin found himself waiting for the weekend for the first time in a long while. Gwen was also coming to the park with them. Her big brother played in the team. "My brother used to be always in trouble and even after our dad made him start football to lose some of the steam, he used to have trouble following rules, but now he has really calmed down and it's great to see him play!" Gwen told him one lunch while Merlin was trying to estimate how much beef his beef casserole had in grams…
"Merlin, it's also great to see you like this. You seem more animate and cheerful I think…" Merlin stopped weighting his plate and looked at Gwen a bit puzzled. "Just it's nice to get out of the house… you know how Uther doesn't let me go just wander around on my own…" he said slowly not quitting his task of estimation. "That's so unfair! I know he must be thinking of your best but still… you are not a child anymore Merlin, he-" Gwen sounded a bit mad and Merlin couldn't help but protest "It's not like I have anywhere to go… really Gwen…" He was not sure why he was defending Uther and not saying anything on 'must think your best'. It left a bitter taste in his mouth, but he soon realised that he couldn't say anything else anyway.
"Sorry…" Gwen said and looked embarrassed. "You could visit my house someday!" she still soon added much more excited. She was trying to change the subject and finding a solution for Merlins argument. "We could go somewhere and then to my house and watch a movie or something… You could even spent the night with me, well I don't mean spend the night like that with me but…" After Merlin had assured her that he knew what she meant, for once not finding Gwens habit amusing, Gwen went on and on about everything fun they could do and Merlin just smiled. It sounded nice. He was sure that Uther wouldn't let him spent the night, but maybe one evening… He could even lie it was about studying, like Arthur always left the house for 'studying' with his friends… He promised Gwen he would ask if he could come next week and they ate in a pleasant silence after that.
On the ride home, Merlin tried to find his courage to talk to Uther about next week (Who, as Merlin knew, was the one he would really have to get the permission from), but when Uther started to open Merlins belt, he couldn't say anything anymore. When they had to stop to wait traffic light to turn green, Merlin was afraid someone from the outside would see him. When the light changed and Uther sped up the car he was sure one boy in the next car was looking at him directly. He kept his eyes on the boy as far as he could see him and only kept himself calm with his will power. The boy turned to another direction soon and pointed at something to maybe his mother in other direction. Still Merlin couldn't shake the shame of being his pants down and Uthers hand making his thing semi-erect in front of a child… 'I'm the worst…' He thought while Uther kept massaging his balls. Merlin decided to ask the permission from his mother when she got home the day after tomorrow.
200 kcal. Somehow he had to get at least 200 calories inside of him. His mother was in a day shift today so it was highly possible that Uther would… He refused to think that. 200… shouldn't be that hard but he could still feel Uthers hand in his pants and he even had to check twice if he was sitting in the kitchen or if he still in Uthers car.
He tapped his foot to the floor impatiently trying to think before he rose up once more to search for something to eat but felt everything in the fridge remind of him about what could come this night… yogurt, milk, God forbid banana! He closed the door with a slam and went back to sit. 'Something high in energy, just to get this over with it…'
While he was thinking this his eyes laid to a fancy tray full of additional spices and vinaigrettes and oils for salads. Oil. He took one expensive looking olive oil bottle and flipped it so he could see the informative label. 900 calories per 100ml… That makes it 90 calories per 10ml.. so about 2 tablespoons would make it to 200. Merlin felt that this was the finest product in the whole wide world and an answer to his problems.
He almost ran to take a tablespoon and shallowed three of them in row. The taste was a bit bitter and far too oily to be pleasurable but the texture was far better than the one in yogurt… He could start adding this in to his meal every night… that would make his meal worth much more energy. Merlin closed the bottle and looked at the label. It had some olive trees in a sunny field drawer to it. 'Extra virgin olive oil' what ever that meant…
"Merlin…" Uthers voice made him almost jump from his skin and he dropped the oil bottle making it shatter. He looked at the mess at his feet and feared for the worst as he slowly raised his head to meet Uthers gaze. "I- I… " Merlin stuttered and Uther frowned but then just said "I have to leave to meet a client, I expect you to tell Arthur that I will be home very late…. And clean up this mess you have caused." With that he left.
Merlin stood very still not believing his luck. As if he would breath Uther would come back. When he heard the front door close, he slowly slid onto the floor and felt the biggest grin he could fit in his face form. He laughed out loud, 'Yes, yes!' the house would be his for another two hours with no fear of Uther and did he say he would be away till late? What a happy, happy occasion. Usually Uther left early to his company office and came back with Merlin and then retired to his home office until dinner. But now he was away… Merlin felt like yelling out loud how happy he was.
Merlin gathered biggest glass shards fast and then took some towels to clean up the oil. He didn't even mind, he was so happy. He practically danced to his room to change his trousers because they had oil stains in them and then he took an old fantasy book with him to living room. If he had just stayed in his own room, he would probably just go to his everyday routine of studying and he had not been in other parts of the house for a long time in ages. He had been too afraid to face Uther… Now he could just do what ever he wanted! He opened radio and played it too loud and read his book that had nothing to do with studying. This was the best day!
When Arthur came home, he found Merlin laying on their living room sofa upside down reading a book with a dragon on its cover. Some jazz radio was playing so loud that he barely heard his own thoughts. He just stared at this sight that was definitely from somewhere else than from his living room. "I take it father is not home…" He finally deduced. "You could say that." Merlin replied calmly without pausing his reading. "What is this that you are listening?" Arthur still couldn't get past this- this abnormality he had in no way prepared himself. "I have no idea" Merlin replied sincerely. He didn't care as long as it silenced all unwanted thoughts in his head. Arthur smiled at himself, Merlin was buried in his book and had yet to look at him. He liked seeing Merlin like this, not jumpy and depressed but like this just… being Merlin.
Arthur went back to entrance to take his jacket off and saw a note on the table from his father with enough money to feed them twice. "Merlin! You wanna go to eat something?" He yelled and still he was not sure if his voice reached Merlin. The money was meant to order something home delivered, but Arthur saw a change to take Merlin out of the house. That was, if he would come with him. Merlin seemed to be comfortable enough where he was. "What do you have in mind?" Apparently Merlin had heard. "I don't know, chines, pizza, you pick!" He yelled again. "I'll come." came a reply and the music finally ended. Merlin put his jacket on and stuffed his book to one of his surprisingly large pockets.
Arthur smiled and took his phone to call a cab. When the cab came surprisingly quick, Arthur opened the front door and stepped side so Merlin could climp in. Merlin, however ignored him and opened the back door for himself. "Ummm… there is an open seat here in front you know…" Arthur said. He had offered it to Merlin to be polite and Merlins actions surprised him. "I want to sit here and so I'm sitting." Merlin replied in so cheerful manner that Arthur couldn't even tease him about it. "Uh… ok…" He said and sat in the front seat himself. Sometimes Merlin was a big surprise for him.
The ride was uneventful. Merlin was mostly reading and Arthur tried to get Merlin to give him some imput of what he woul like to eat. They decided to eat pizza so Arthur took them to a fairly nice italian restaurant. "You realise that I would have been happy with a normal pizzeria, right?" Merlin had to ask when he and Arthur had left the cab. "Father left the money, so it's alright." He said even thought technically he would have to use his own money for the cab, but he didn't mind right now so he said nothing about that to Merlin. Merlin decided that he would order the most expensive item on the menu.
The restaurant was nice. It was rustic and Merlin enjoyed looking at all the things on the walls and shelves. There were old photos in frames from Italy and old coffee pots and kettles and spices hanging on the walls. The place was lit with mitch-matching lights and candles but it was in no way dark. "You seem like you have never seen a restaurant before." Arthur couldn't help himself from commenting with a smile in his face. "Try finding a restaurant in my home village. I'll treat you if you can find an Italian restaurant there." Arthur felt a bit stupid… If he had thought of this sooner, he could have taken Merlin to somewhere ages ago.
Now that he thought of it he realised that Merlin almost every day woke up, went to school with his father, ate at school, went home with his father and they usually ate home… When would he eat in restaurants? The only places Uther ever took them were so fancy that it was far from even Arthurs comfort zone even if he had grown up with them. Or maybe not so far from his comfort zone. He liked the fancy food and atmosphere, but eating with his father and some business associations popping up from left and right… Maybe it was the company most of the times.
Merlin was already reading the list that waiter had left them when she had taken them to their table. He looked like a second Christmas had come. Arthur thought of all the fancy restaurants his farther had forced him to go to meet his business associates or just to meet other important people 'by chance' until last year when Uther had become a 'family man' as he liked to call himself to other important people. Arthur thought how much more fun would eating out have been if Merlin had been with him… Or even better, if they could have gone to eat together like this every time his father had dragged Arthur with him after Morgana had moved out because 'there was no-one to watch over Arthur and anyway he should get used to talking with important people'.
"Can I take this one with salami and goat cheese?" Merlin interrupted his thoughts "Yeah, anything you want… Have you chosen your drink yet?" Merlin beamed at him. He felt luxurious being in restaurant and it felt good that Arthur was (in a way) treating him. He was not sure if this was alright, but he wanted to go with the flow. He just had to keep strictly in his mind that this was not a date. "I'll take a coke." Arthur waved waiter and ordered for them. He had been here enough times to know what he was going to order without looking at the menu. "17, 14 with extra onion, a coke and one soda." Merlin looked amused on how fluently Arthur ordered. Arthur paid no attention to it.
It was friday so the place was full and the food took a bit longer than usual, but Arthur didn't mind. He liked talking with Merlin and just spend some time with him. They usually didn't have that much time at school and in home, Merlin was always howled up in his room and Arthur somehow felt that he had to have something real to say to Merlin if he wanted to disturb him. Most of the time Arthur didn't even remember that there was someone living in Morganas old bedroom.
The pizza was delicious. Merlin had never had a pizza like this and the feeling of eating it in a restaurant made him feel special. Eating pizza from a pizza sized plate with knife and fork was also a new experience to him "I always thought pizza was just a fast-food with lots of cheese… " He mused as he marvelled at his beautifully done pizza with salami, goat cheese and rucola sprinkled on top making the colours of an Italian flag. "Shh… This place is owned by an Italian family… show some respect to pizza, I want to be able to come back…" Arthur whispered in fake conspiracy and Merlin laughed before attacking his pizza.
Eating had not been Merlins favourite part of the day for a while now but the pizza tasted awesome. He felt like it was the best thing he had ever eaten in his entire life and ate far more than he really could. Arthur was happy to see Merlin like this, maybe he had been worried for nothing…
That night Merlin and Arthur watched some stupid tv-show and went to sleep late. Merlin could have stayed up later but Arthur was used to waking up early and so he tired early. As Merlin showered, he felt for once that he got cleaner in the hot water. After shower he felt sleepy and full and he imagined a tiny golden ball of light inside him staying pure and lighting the darkness that had consumed his body. He still had something to himself, he just wasn't sure what it was yet. He curled in his bed as to protect this tiny light inside of him. He couldn't wait tomorrow to come.
"Merlin…Merlin you lazy idiot. Merlin!" Merlins eyes snapped open. Arthurs face was hovering above his which made Merlin froze. "Come on! We have to leave soon and you need to pack us lunch!" Arthur said cheerfully and headed out from the room. "Why do I have to make the lunch?" Merlin got out of his mouth before Arthur disappeared through his door. Arthur just glanced back and replied lightly "Because you don't have time to eat breakfast anymore." 'Figures… He could have woken me up for that earlier. Bet he just was too lazy to make his own lunch'! Merlin grumbled in his mind but didn't really mind too much. He climbed out from his warm bed and put on his jeans.
He was just trying to decide if he could use his red shirt one more day or should he take the blue one, when Arthur suddenly opened his door and let himself in Merlin jumped and tried to cover his chest with the red shirt that was in his hand "Can't you knock?!" Arthur frowned "Don't be such a girl, Merlin. Like I haven't seen you change before… Anyway, you can't wear that." Arthur said and pointed Merlins jeans. "Put on sweatpants or your gym clothes. We are going to play!" Merlin frowned. "I told you I'm not going to play." still keeping his shirt against his chest. "Yes, you will. Now movie it, I want decent lunch ready in 20 minutes." Arthur said again cheerfully and opened Merlins closet. "You enjoy making me miserable, don't you?" Merlin had to ask. Arthur didn't answer, just grinned widely. Seeing Arthur smile made all the discomfort Merlin had evaporate. He sighed. He had to relax his grip on his shirt as he tried to conceal his own smile by pulling his shirt on.
Arthur put Merlins sweatpants on the edge of his sofa and was about to make a remark on how little used they seemed, but the remark died in his throat as he saw Merlin topless. Merlin didn't see it because his head was inside his shirt but Arthurs eyes widened briefly as he saw how thin Merlin really was. Merlins arms raised, he could count all of Merlins ribs. He really was too thin. But how… he had seen Merlin eat yesterday well and he didn't seem like he somehow resented eating. At all! Could one really get so thin with a lack of exercise? He really had to start taking Merlin out more…
When Merlin got his head out, Arthur had already turned to leave. "Remember I want some meat in my lunch." and he was gone. "Prat." Merlin said for good humour. He sighed at his sweatpants but changed his jeans anyway. He didn't like the loose feeling, he felt too exposed.
Merlin packed them ham sandwiches, some boiled eggs and orange juice while Arthur kept reminding him about time every other minute. "You could help me, you know?" He had tried once but Arthur had just looked him like he had grown another head. After that Merlin had grumbled something about rich kids and prats, but Arthur had just ignored him and reminded him of the time again.
Lance came to pick them up and Merlin kind of understood why Arthur had been so concerned about the time. It would have been rude to make their teacher wait when he obviously couldn't live in the area. Merlin took the back seat again happy that he could make the decision and even if he kind of hoped that Arthur would sit next to him, he was also clad when he sat next to Lance and Merlin had all the space for himself. Lance talked with Arthur cheerfully and Merlin got the impression that they got along well. Lance even made the effort to talk with Merlin and he kept to topics that Merlin could understand. Merlin really did like his PE teacher. This day was going to be fun.
They were first to arrive to the park which made Merlin grumpy again. "And what was the reason exactly that we had to hurry? When are the others coming anyway?" He made no effort to hide his annoyance. "In an hour or so…" Arthur didn't sound sorry. "What?! You dragged me out from my bed and made me hurry like some servant to waite here an hour?! You total clot-pole!" He was now beyond annoyed, he had been sleeping so soundly and that prat had ruined it!
"A clot-pole Merlin. Really?" Again, no apology or even the understanding to sound sorry. "Yes." He said in a final tone in his voice. Arthur looked a second like he was going to ask but threw a ball to Merlin instead. "I'm going to set the goals and stuff… and I have to be the first now that I'm the captain." Arthur sounded serious and responsible and Merlin would have lied if he said that he didn't admire that part in Arthur. He really took his team seriously.
"So you decided that football is important to you then?" He asked reminding Arthur about the conversation they had a long time ago. "…If it's you I can tell… " Arthur said after a moments hesitation. This sparked Merlins interest immediately "I like football but… I can't say I would like to have this much effort into it. I'll never be professional." He said slowly not looking at Merlin but drawing a large circle in sand with a stick. Merlin followed him with his eyes "So why…?" Merlin knew that Arthur would explain so he didn't finish his question. He hoped it was not because of Uther…
"For my team." At this Arthur looked straight at Merlins eyes certainty in his voice and his eyes held no regret. "I want to be the captain and I want to help my team to do better and hopefully have some fun as well." He smiled a bit at the last part and that made Merlin smile widely. He felt so proud… "So is that why we are here today?" He didn't want to tell Arthur how proud he was exactly but he was pretty sure Arthur knew anyway. "As a matter of fact, yes we are. Even you are not completely clueless all the time…" Arthur said clearly trying to make up for the sappy moment and for the lost time of teasing Merlin. Merlin smiled a bit to that before sighing and sitting down. "Your turn to do all the work…" He mumbled and set himself on watching the morning sun and maybe glancing at Arthur now and then…
It was about half an hour when Lance came back. He had gone to the school to get some more supplies. Merlin had a nagging feeling that it was because he had taken room from Lances car. It wasn't a very big car. "I see you have done good work here already." He beamed at Arthur and Merlin and didn't mention his second trip in any way. "I think it's better that we can start right away, some of the team wouldn't be so happy if I made them draw circles at ten o'clock in the morning." Arthur said and to Merlin it looked like Lance knew exactly who Arthur was referring to.
"I guess you are right. Should we make the warm up brief then?" Lance answered. "I think so yes, it's supposed to be just a bit of fun. And we also have this one broomstick over there and Elyans sister coming…" Lance followed the direction Arthur pointed and seemed that he just noticed Merlin in a new way. Merlin was quite sure Lance hadn't expected him to play. "Nice to hear you are joining us Merlin." He said with a smile on his handsome face. Merlin got a little bit nervous. Smiling made Lance look even more handsome that usual and the fact that the smile ws directed to him... but he managed to reply "Arthur needed someone to make him lunch. He couldn't make a sandwich even if his life depended on it." Lance laughed at this and Arthurs gaze spelled m-u-r-d-e-r. Merlin relaxed clad that he had Lances acceptance.
It didn't take long for everyone minus Elyan and Gwen had gathered to the field. Arthur was getting everyone and asking thinks like how they were, or how was something that they had talked about last week and Merlin soon lost interest. Luckily Lance seemed to notice this and came to sit by him. They talked about this and that for a while "In nowhere have I ever seen a whole football team which has five practices a week a top of school come to play at saturday morning." He told Merlin and this made Merlin smile. "I bet it's because of Arthur. No offence." He said. Lance just smiled "None taken. Even I'm here because of Arthur."
This made Merlin curious. "What do you mean?" He asked a bit cautiously. Lance smiled at him "I mean that I'm not getting paid for weekends, but If Arthur can get the whole team this exited then it would be weird if I didn't come." Merlin accepted this explanation and turned back to the field. He saw Arthur laughing with some of his team mates and his heart felt heavy with longing- Still there was happiness of seeing this side of Arthur. "I guess I know what you mean." He said to no-one exactly.
It was just five to ten when Elyan came running with Gwen not far behind. "I told you would make me late! Women!" Elyan said to Gwen when she had stopped breathing heavily and Elyan had dropped their stuff next to Merlin. "If you want to be here before ten you tell me before ten! Look, it's not even ten yet!" Gwen was not happy to be blamed and Merlin could see from his friends face that she really was not the one to blame (in this non-existing being late case…) Elyan grinned "Don't take everything so seriously." and ran of to meet the others.
Gwen sat down with a huff. "Change a brother with me, will you Merlin." Merlin laughed. "Oh, you have not met Lance right?" He said as he suddenly realised that Gwen was not in boys PE. How stupid of him. "Hello, pleasure to meet you. I'm Lance." Lance said and shook Gwens hand over Merlin. Gwen blushed a little. "I'm Gwen, Merlins friend. Oh, but that's not why I'm here! I'm also that GOOD FOR NOTHINGS sister!" She turned her head to yell the last part so her brother would hear.
Merlin tried to correct his awkward position. Lance was still holding Gwens hand in front of his face. Lance seemed to realise that and let go of Gwen which was a relieve for Merlin. "I heard you are going to play also, am I incorrect?" Lance said possibly to both of them but he seemed to look only at Gwen. "Of course! I must show my brother not to belittle me." she said and took her scarf and her jacket off revealing a jumper and a sport t-shirt underneath. "You coming Merlin?" She said cheerfully. "I really don't…" He started but was interrupted by Arthur who came running to their direction. "Come on Merlin! We are waiting for you two!" He dragged Merlin up and Merlin felt embarrassingly warm as Arthur spun him around and pull his jacket off. "Gwen, I'll trust you will keep this idiot alive in the field?" Arthur seemed to trust Gwens ability to play football over Merlins. "Yes sir!" Gwen fake saluted. Arthur smiled at her and Merlin felt jealousy sweep over him. Why couldn't he has been born as a girl… Everything would be so much easier that way.
Gwen took his arm before he could dwell on it more and within a blink of an eye he was in a mist of warm up lapses and pushups and stretching. Awesome. But when the game started, he had to admit, it was fun… First he just felt stupid trying to run about to the same side of the field that the ball was, but Arthurs team mates turned out to be a bunch of goofy, hard working but fun loving idiots. In the best possible way there was. They had different rules than normal. In place of goals there were two round circles, about one and a half meter in diameter Arthur had been drawing earlier. In the middle of both circle, there was an extra ball. Anyone could be the goalie but no-one could go inside the circle. The objective was to make the ball in the circle get out from the circle. It was different and it was fun.
Merlin was on the other team than Gwen and Merlin had great time trying to beat her. He was faster runner than Gwen but Gwen obviously had some talent with kicking, something Merlin lagged. Still when he kicked the ball in whatever direction, the others were yelling stuff like "Awesome, I got it!" or "Good pass!" or "Pass it to me Merlin!" or "No! To me, to me!" Merlin had never felt so fun playing before and he even got the ball to hit the 'goal-ball' once. Sadly his kick was not strong enough to make the ball leave the circle.
"Argh! Merlin you kick like girl! Who's the clot-pole now?" Arthur yelled at him across the field. "That's not what it means!" Merlin yelled back as he was in such a good mood that he only found humour in Arthurs comment. "Then pray tell me what it means!" Arthur kept yelling at him over the filed. "In two words?" Merlin asked smirking "Yes!" Arthurs voice was somewhere between frustration and begging. "Captain Arthur!" Merlin yelled at him smoothly. This made the whole team laugh which made Merlin feel proud of himself.
After few 'goals' (those are surprisingly hard to get) one of the player whose name Merlin now knew was Oliver asked Arthur if it was time to have lunch. Arthur checked his watch and nodded which immediately made Oliver turn and shout on the top of his lungs "LUUUUNCH!" Merlin happened to be the unlucky one standing nearest to him at that time. Arthur had been quick to cover his ears just in time.
"My hearing will never be the same…" Merlin whined as Arthur opened their lunch boxes. "Consider yourself lucky. He once did that right to my ear. I'm lucky that I still have them intact!" Elyan commented on that, while sitting on the other side of Arthur. "Well, you were sleeping in the middle of goal and we needed to start, it's your own fault the you didn't wake up! Oliver was our last resort." Someone whose name Merlin still didn't remember, but had the smoothest looking curls ever, said lightly. Apparently Oliver was known for his ability to yell. The whole team was gathering around them to eat.
As they ate, Merlin shut himself from the conversation and focussed on the fresh air and the surprisingly nicely warming early spring sun. The ground still wasn't warm but now that the sun was up, even he didn't need his jacket. He ate few sandwiches and drank some juice which made him very drowsy. He hadn't moved like this in a long time, in PE he usually tried to avoid getting too involved. He didn't feel good enough and he didn't like the competing games or the 'do this, do that, now, faster, more!' way the classes usually were. At least Lance was not one of those teachers who told him how much of a sissy he was if he couldn't do 50 push ups in a row…
"If you were like this in my classes, I could actually get you a good grade, you know." Speaking of the teacher… "Hmh" was Merlins interested reply. Lance didn't press him on the subject but Gwen decided to comment "Merlin you were awesome! I thought that I would wipe the field with you, but you can really run!" she told him excitedly. "Gee, thanks Gwen" Merlin rolled his eyes at her. He just now realised that Lance and Gwen had been sitting next to him talking together for the majority of time they had been eating.
Lance looked them a bit amused and that should have been it, but for a short second something in Lances eyes caught Merlins attention. "Are you two perhaps…?" There was a short pause when they both seemed to try to catch the meaning of Lances question. Gwen was faster "Oh! No, no, no, we are just friends!" Merlin also caught something, but it was not the same thing. Lances eyes changed again, just a tiny bit, but Merlin saw it. Relieve. Want. Lust? Merlin shuddered. 'No… I can't be sure… maybe I saw wrong…' but he suddenly didn't like Lance that much anymore.
"Merlin?" Gwen looked at him a weird look on her face and he realised he had been quiet too long. "You didn't have to say 'no' three times. I would have only said 'no' twice." He grumbled to save the situation and to make clear at the same time that Gwen didn't have to worry for him liking her that way. Gwen laughed and blushed a little. Lance was watching her and smiled gently. Merlin really didn't like this…
After lunch the team decided to have a more serious match and Merlin was clad that he was given an option to just watch. He was tired and his muscles had started to hurt. Arthur told him to stretch, but Merlin couldn't be bothered. Lance had gone to play with the team so he was left alone with Gwen. "He is quite handsome, isn't he?" Merlin snapped his head towards her and mumbled "How would I know." He was not happy of which way this was going. "Oh, I didn't mean it that way. I was just, you know, just noticing. It just there are not many handsome people around me often and I just…noticed." Merlin usually found her rambling cute but now he felt a bigger problem looming in her words. "I assume that you mean Lance. Don't let Arthur hear you say that and thanks by the way."
Gwen looked at him puzzled for a second and then blushed "Sorry, I didn't mean that you are not handsome! I mean you are… in your own way." She was quick to correct. Merlin laughed and lowered himself lying to grass. "Not making it any better." he said in a sing a song voice. "Oh, you are one…" Gwen pushed his elbow lightly and Merlin saw her smile too. He was glad to have a friend like that. He really did like Gwen. On that thought he got a little bit more serious. "Just be careful ok, remember Lance is an adult…" Gwen looked at him now also a serious look in her face "I know… I'm just enjoying it a bit. I promise!" She smiled at him and Merlin had to smile back. "Ok, I'll not tell Arthur that you don't think he is handsome." He teased earning a new punch to his elbow.
They laughed a little and now that Merlins interest was again slipping he found it hard to keep his eyes open. "Will you be bored if I sleep a bit?" He asked Gwen. "No, go ahead. Do you want my jacket? I'm good." Merlin nodded and took her jacket. He rolled his own jacket under his head and used Gwens as a blanket. Even thought the sun was warm, when he was lying on the ground falling asleep, he liked he extra warmth. Gwens jacket smelled nice and he fell asleep on the background noise of football.
Gwen looked at Merlin for a while. Merlin was a good guy. She wondered how her life would be without him and she decided she didn't like it. But something felt… wrong. Something about Merlin lately. She knew he was lying sometimes about somethings that didn't make any sense. Like there were times she knew he was lying about eating or sometimes he just seemed to stop functioning and he was not telling why. Well, stop would be a wrong word. More like froze on the spot. She wanted to ask Merlin what was going on but somehow she never could. As a separated things they always seemed too trivial to question Merlin or call to his lie.
She looked at Merlins sleeping face. He looked peaceful. That made Gwen smile. She focused on the game again and decided to be there, if Merlin wanted to talk to her about anything. With that, she noticed once again Lance passing the ball to Arthur who made a goal. She would have cheered if she didn't worry about waking Merlin. Lance looked at her direction and their eyes met. Gwen waved at him and smiled. Lance nodded at her and also smiled before continuing the game. Gwen felt her smile grow wider. He really was handsome. And nice too…
Merlin woke up when the game was over and Elyan came to back his stuff. Arthur was still talking about something with Lance and some other players so Merlin didn't bother to rise up yet. "…it all? You drank it all?! What kind of a sister you are? I'm dying here for thirst!" "Well I was thirsty too! You could have taken your own bottle!" Merlin focused on listening Elian and Gwen bicker. Again…
Soon he couldn't take it anymore. "You can have some of my juice, it's in that blue bag." He said to Elyan lazily who beamed at him. "See! At least your boyfriend has some manners." Merlin blushed at that and Gwen seemed like there would come steam from her ears in any second now. "We are not dating…" Merlin replied calmly from the ground to avoid that.
Elyan actually looked genuinely surprised at that which made Merlin blush more. "But you are like the only thing Gwen talks at home… and then why did you come today here then?" He directed his question to Gwen puzzled. This made Gwen push Elyan hard on his side "I do speak about lot of things, you just never listen you buffoon! And why I came is non of your business!" Gwen huffed and took her stuff from the ground, her jacket from Merlin and started to walk to the direction they came from in the morning mumbling about something.
"Uh… so you are really not dating?" Elyan eventually asked to be sure. "No, Gwen is a good friend, I like spending time with her." Merlin tried to explain. He was not embarrassed anymore. He kind of felt that he would have to explain this many times in a future. Maybe it was not so common to have a girl friend you didn't want to date… "It's just… she was so excited to come today and she was rambling how she wanted to play and that you were coming too… I thought that she must have a boyfriend and then I saw you here together… " Elyan sounded apologetic. Merlin smiled a little and decided to tell Elyan. "She was excited to see you play. She's proud of you for giving it your all… And she seemed to enjoy playing herself."
Elyan looked at him like he had a second head. "…You understand my sister? Wow, dude that's like a super power…" He was quiet for a moment and added "She really came to see me?" He sounded unsure so Merlin nodded. "Don't tell her I told you. She will have my head." This made Elyan relax a bit. It seemed that making fun of his sister was a solid ground for him and being praised by her (even undirectly) was foreign territory. "Ok, I won't. But you own me one good change to tease her." Merlin laughed awkwardly at Elyans reply. He could see Elyan coming to him in hallways to ask for any juicy gossips of Gwen. There was no way he would promise anything to his friends brother.
"I'll have to leave now or else she is going to leave me behind… But tell me if you want to date Gwen, I'll give you my full support!" Elyan said cheerfully while collecting his stuff even when Merlin satyed quiet. It didn't seem that he had really waited for a reply. Merlin rolled his eyes "You support would ruin my changes." He yelled after Elyan when he turned to leave. Elyan just laughed and jogged after Gwen who was not in sight anymore.
"Merlin, time to go." Arthur had finished what ever he had been doing and he and Lance were coming where Merlin sat to get their stuff. "Did Gwen leave already?" Lance asked in a too nonchalant voice. Merlin tried to look normal and just replied "Yes, she and Elyan just left." "Oh…" To Merlin Lance looked clearly disappointed. Arthur didn't seem to notice as he was collecting their stuff. Merlin gave him humourless look and Lance backed off "Um, I'l go get the car, see you in a bit." he said looking a bit apologetic to Merlin. "Yeah, we'll just collect ourselves" Arthur looked up to Lance from where he was stuffing stuff to the bag. Merlin just said "Yeah…"
With that Lance left and Merlin kept his eyes on his retiring back. "Quit daydreaming, Merlin, I'm leaving. You coming or not." Merlin dragged himself up. He was a bit cold now and that didn't do well with his now complaining muscles. "I don't know about you but I'm starving! Want to have something on the way home?" Arthur asked. He had actually wanted to see Merlins reaction and so far he had been pleased to see Merlin eat his share of their lunch and he really liked to see Merlin play and enjoy himself. "Yeah sure." Merlin replied and that made Arthur smile. Merlin looked at the other direction so he wouldn't get distracted.
Arthur threw their stuff on the back of Lances car and the rest went with Merlin to the back seat. Lance agreed to drive them to a cafe from a walking distance of their home and after brief goodbyes, they went in a fairly nice cafe. Arthur bought himself a meatball sandwich and coffee and Merlin took hot chocolate with whipped cream and a cinnamon roll. Arthur smirked at his choices but was secretly happy. Those were not a choices of an anorectic person.
They talked about football and Arthurs team mates and Arthur made fun of Merlin skills and Merlin about other team mates making Arthur laugh, Arthurs previous worry evaporated completely. Merlin was just thin… and stayed too much inside. Arthur would just have to take him out more often and after he got his car in few months, he would give Merlin a lift if he needed one. The only hindrance was that Merlin was a horrible liar, so Arthur would most probably have make excuses for Merlin too if he wanted them out of the house.
If this kind of situation would have happened with Morgana Arthur knew that he would have been horrified of the thought, but with Merlin he felt he actually was looking forward to spending more time with him. He almost didn't want to take Merlin anywhere just to drop him off… He wanted to go there with Merlin too, what ever the place Merlin would want to go. Being with Merlin made him calm and warm and seeing Merlin smile made him happy and Merlins humour made him laugh. And even if they lived under the same roof, Arthur didn't want to leave just yet.
Merlin didn't want to leave ever. This was like different universe compared to the house. In that house he would have to face Uther. He would have only his school books to keep him company there and he would again slip into his gray world of depression… He knew it. In here he was sitting in a sunlight coming from large windows. He had hot chocolate and he had Arthur. He felt his funny side rise its head from the deep slumber it had been past weeks, or was it months… It was months… He was not going to think about that now. The tables were small so Merlin was sitting closer to Arthur he usually did even though he had placed himself exactly to the opposite side of the table. The cafe was nice and meant for people who were well of (it was in the same area they lived after all…) It was saturday so there were families and couples and then there was Merlin and Arthur. For just a moment Merlin let himself imagine that they were here for a date and his heart beat with the same golden light he had inside of him. It grew and light his being more and more every time Arthur smiled. If only that could be true…
When they finally had to leave, Merlin was dragging his feet and looking more and more miserable as they got closer being home. He felt the light inside him dim as he had to again set himself in the tune of reality. "It's not like this is going to be the only time you get to go outside…" Arthur tried to figure out what was the reason for Merlins sudden change of mood. "We could go somewhere next saturday?" He tried. "And we could just walk here to have coffee more often…" He continued hoping Merlin would cheer up on the thought of going somewhere with Arthur. "I was going to ask mom if I can go to Gwens… " Merlin replied feeling a bit bad waisting an opportunity to go somewhere with Arthur, but he still was not sure about getting his hopes up with getting to leave to house next saturday. With or without Arthur… And he did want to see Gwens house… Also going to the coffee again… while it sounded like dream come true, he knew that in his and Arthurs mind it was about different things and that made Merlin sad and he was already sliding towards the depression even if they couldn't even see the house yet.
"Can I come too? " Arthur asked. "Or is it just you and Gwen?" He added teasingly. Merlin growled "Not you too! How many more times do I have to explain it today that me and Gwen are just friends?!" He really didn't want Arthur to get the wrong idea. "Ok, ok… But it's your own fault, sleeping under her jacket like that next to her…" Merlin blushed a little at that but still replied "In what time and age are we if I can't have a girl as a friend?" and sighed dramatically. "In high school age. Maybe you have heard of it." Arthur shot back. "Anyway, can I come or do you have other plans with Gwen?" He still wouldn't let the subject go. "No, I Don't. But I still have to ask Gwen first…" Merlin replied firmly. "And get a permission to go." He added more to himself for he didn't want to get his hopes up for nothing.
When Arthur opened the front door, Merlin felt like staying there, outside, until tomorrow when his mother would come home… But he couldn't explain that to Arthur so he entered after him and tried to act normal. He got to carry their lunch packages to kitchen while Arthur went upstairs to change and shower. Merlin felt vulnerable by himself and it didn't take long after he had heard Arthur close his door that Uther showed up from behind him and put his hand on Merlins ass.
"You are late. I hope there is an explanation." Merlin felt uncomfortable and claustrophobic standing between kitchen sink and Uther. "We went to a cafe on our way home." He didn't know if it was a right answer but he had nothing else. "Dinner in soon, I'm sure you knew that. So tell me, was it your idea to go to waste your appetite and Arthurs too?" Uther demented and Merlin knew he was on thin ice here. "No… A-Arthur was hungry after the game." He didn't like blaming Arthur but he didn't know what would happen if he told it had been his idea. "So you didn't take lunch with you then?" This was not really a question. Merlin knew Uther could see the empty storage boxes in the sink.
"Yes… we ate them earlier…" "And I suppose you made them?" Merlin briefly wondered what would happen if he told that Arthur had done them. Would Uther not get mad? Would he be mad at Arthur? Would he do the same thing to him that he did to Merlin…? …No… That wasn't possible. He would have noticed… "Yes. I packed them…" Had he really messed up? If he had taken more food with them Arthur wouldn't have been hungry… he should have been up earlier or faster or- "I hope you are going to take responsibility for this." Uther whispered in his ear which made Merlin shiver. Uther gave a last squeeze for his behind and disappeared upstairs, probably to his study. Merlin was shaking. He couldn't go back where he had been anymore. He didn't want- he had got such a good time and… He felt his heart clench. He had been used to it. He had. And now he felt horrible going back. Suddenly he felt angry. Angry to himself and angry to this house. He wanted to disappear.
But he couldn't. But he had to do something. He left all the containers as they were. He didn't care. And he went to his room and locked it from the inside. Then he went to his bathroom and locked it too. He wouldn't come out. He would stay here. He buried his face into his knees and imagined over and over him being again in that nice cafe with Arthur. Everything Arthur had said and done and how he had moved and looked. Merlin imagined it all until the time blurred.
After Arthur had showered, he packed his fresh sport clothes into his gym back and laid down to his sofa to read the book he had seen Merlin read in their living room few days ago. He found himself curious and when he had seen the book in their school library he had loaned it without thinking. Now he found it entertaining even thought he didn't usually read that much. School work was enough for him.
When it was time for dinner he put a bookmark where he was and headed downstairs. He could talk about the book with Merlin as they ate. His good mood however was ruined as he first founded that Merlin had left all the dished lying around and second that Merlin was nowhere to be seen.
He should have been pissed, but for some reason he wasn't. When he had left Merlin downstairs there had not been anything indicating that Merlin wouldn't do the dishes. "You know that if you take lunch out I expect you to tidy after yourself. I do not like to see these dishes here until monday." Arthur turned his head to see his father sitting in the table reading a news paper, food already on the table. "I'm sorry father, I'll do it right away." He replied not wanting to argue that it was Merlins job anyway. "No, it's already time to eat, do it after dinner." Uther replied. With a "Yes father." Arthur sat besides his father and waited Merlin to come downstairs. He was starving. Four hours in fresh air did that to him. But Merlin was nowhere to be seen.
When it had been more than five minutes, Uther put his paper down not looking pleased. "Arthur, go get your brother and have him know that he is late." Uther had always been strict about being on time with every occasion. Arthur stood up and climbed up the stairs. 'Merlin should know better than this…' Arthur mused on his way. Something was off. He couldn't say how and he didn't like it.
He was going to just storm into Merlins room and interrupt what ever was making him late. 'Probably sleeping, that lazy ass…' But the door was locked. Arthur was surprised at this. Arthur never locked his door because he knew very well that his father didn't like that, but did Merlin? He tried to knock as quietly as he could while also loud enough that Merlin would hear him. "Merlin! Dinner is ready…" He didn't want any trouble for Merlin. Again something very different compared to his and Morganas relationship. He sighed. Doors in this house were thick and walls heavy soundproof. It was hard to hear through them so Arthur had no idea what Merlin was doing on the other side or if he had even heard him knock. 'Awesome… if he really is sleeping how am I going to wake him up without father noticing…'
He tried again but he didn't have to try long because it seemed that Uthers patience was thin today and soon enough Arthur could hear him coming upstairs. Arthur didn't know what else he could do so he stepped out of the way and Uther took the handle. He didn't seem pleased to find that the door was locked. "Have you tried knocking?" He asked and when Arthur nodded, Uther turned from the door to go to his study. He returned soon with a set of keys in his hand. Arthur prayed Merlin to come out of his room, but it was too late. Uther opened the door and Arthur tried to see past him. To his surprise, Merlin was not in his room. Arthur took two seconds to think 'huh…?' But if his father had been surprised, he didn't show it at all. He turned to bathroom door and when he turned the handle, it didn't budge.
"Merlin… open this door right this instant…" Arthur recognised his fathers voice and he knew that Merlin was in deep trouble now. "Merlin, I'm starving, what are you doing?" he whined. He knew it would annoy his father but he was quite sure that Merlin also knew that he was in trouble and if he didn't respond to his father because he tried to escape his wrath he would just make things worse for himself. Arthur hoped he could make Merlin come out… 'Or maybe he's not even there…' He glanced at the closed closet opposite side of the entrance of Merlins room. But before he could do anything else, Merlin opened his bathroom door not meeting anyones eyes and mumbled something about being in a shower. Arthur knew this couldn't be true because Merlin was wearing the exact same clothes that he had earlier on the day. And when Merlin walked past him, still not meeting his eyes, he still smelled like earth he had slept on. 'What's going on with him…?' Arthur thought. The fact that Merlin bathroom didn't have any lights on didn't make it way to his conscious mind.
Merlin had felt his heart race painfully when he had heard his rooms door open. 'Of course Uther has a key, why does he has to have the key…' He didn't want to go outside. He felt vulnerable and the solid door didn't give enough protection. He was not sure if Uther could open the bathroom door as easily because this door had a much simpler lock you could only lock from inside and it didn't have a keyhole. He buried his head on his knees and tried not to whimper when he heard Uther try the door. He was so close and so scary. What could he do… in any way Uther would be furious and he couldn't make himself to move. Only when he heard Arthurs voice he snapped out from his freeze. He had to go out. Uther would open the door anyway… and Arthur was there…
Merlin stood up slowly and opened the door. He couldn't look at Uthers face, he was too scared, nor Arthurs because he was too ashamed of causing a scene and Arthur seeing it. He tried telling the first reason he could come up with for locking the door, but he knew Uther wouldn't believe him. He was painfully aware of his dirty clothes and sweaty armpits and the best of all, he hadn't put any lights on when he had entered the bathroom. (The light switch was outside of the bathroom) He closed his bathroom door as quickly he could and took a deep breath before he walked past Arthur. He would eat. Then he would come upstairs. Then he would wait for Uther. Then he would throw up. Then he would shower. Then he could again sit in a dark corner alone with no-one seeing him.
After dinner, where Uther had told Merlin to absolutely never lock any of his doors, Merlin had promised he wouldn't, Arthur had been quiet and Merlin had not eaten more than few bites, Merlin went to his room and sat on the edge of his bed to wait. He just wanted it over with. His flow of misery was however ruined by Arthur. It was only seven o'clock so Merlin had prepared himself to wait, but he hadn't wanted to see Arthur. He didn't want to feel nice now, he didn't want to feel better only to feel worse in few hours. He didn't want to remember Arthur was next door down the hall…
"So what was that?" Arthur didn't waste any time asking Merlin. "I was showering…" Merlin didn't have anything else. Arthur sighed. He didn't feel like making fun of Merlins obvious lie. "I know you weren't. Merlin I'm not an idiot." Arthur felt bad. He had thought that he and Merlin had been having a good time and he had hoped that Merlin would trust him now. "I just wanted to be alone for a while." Merlin went to the nearest thing he could tell Arthur without lying too much.
Arthur was quiet for a while before saying "Ok… I'll wont ask you more about it but a word of advice, try being alone at some other time than in dinner time." Merlin just nodded and Arthur was not satisfied. He had obviously not succeeded in making Merlin feel better or being honest with him and he wanted to make Merlin smile. "And also remember to warn me in advance if you 'want to be alone' I rather not knowing anything about it." he tried to at least make Merlin annoyed but Merlin didn't react like he usually did by blushing but instead he frowned and shuddered. Arthur had never seen this reaction and he wasn't sure what he had done so wrong… ok, the joke wasn't nice and he had teased Merlin about Gwen today a lot already so maybe suggesting what he did alone in a dark bathroom went over the board. Arthur stopped his thought for a second 'dark… where did I get dark…' he couldn't remember if Merlin had light on or not so he decided that he must have had light on… Who would lock himself in a dark bathroom anyway?
"Merlin… It was a joke… " Arthur said putting his hand on Merlins shoulder and shaking him a little. Merlin flinched and Arthur dropped his hand. He was now panicking a bit inside. Was something really wrong and he had just made Merlin feel worse? But just as he was about to say sorry Merlin decided to finally reply "… please don't tell me more about the stuff you think that normal people do in their bathrooms…" He felt morally on thin ice. Because if not Uther, maybe he would have been jerking off to an image of Arthur doing stuff that he had done with Arthurs father… He again shuddered. 'I'm disgusting…' He thought.
Arthur didn't notice the second shudder and was pleased that Merlin replied and happily jumped to the joke "Not normal people, you!" Arthur had no idea how much that hurt Merlin. "And I'll have you know that it's your own fault, who locks himself into a bathroom anyway? And why haven't you showered? You smell…." He would have wanted to add something along the line 'worse than his whole team combined' but that was too far from the truth. Actually Merlin smelled mostly earth and somehow… nice? In bit sweaty way… 'What a weird thought…' Arthur dismissed it. "I'll shower before sleeping…" Merlin muttered feeling very conscious of all the sweat and dirt in his skin and clothes. He wanted to move away from Arthur so he wouldn't smell him.
Arthur gave up. He didn't know what else he could do to make Merlin feel better so he just ruffled Merlins hair and told him that he was going let him be now. On his way he stopped and turned to look at Merlin once more "Oh, I tried the book you were reading the other day, I kinda like it… you happen to have more recommendations?" Merlin looked a bit surprised and for a second he had to think what did Arthur mean. After that he tried to find any hints of sarcasm in Arthurs voice, but when he found none he replied "I'll think of something…" Arthur smiled at him briefly and closed the door behind himself.
In his own room Arthur didn't feel anymore like reading. Maybe Merlin just wanted to be alone? He knew he himself wanted sometimes but he was a bit worried… Maybe Merlin was not alright? Maybe he had some issues? Arthur wasn't an expert on those kind of things and he felt at loss. He sat heavily onto his couch and he stared at his ceiling for a while 'Maybe I could ask Lance some more about that anorexia thing… But I can't say it's for Merlin… I would just make people worry for nothing and father would have my head if he knew I let someone outside of the family think that we have problems…' He tried to make up some way of asking without rising suspicious to himself or to Merlin but he couldn't. Of course he could pretend it was for their test or that he was just interested with no reason but if he asked too much it would again be weird. He decided to leave it for monday and his eyes found his bookmarked book again. 'Well, I did ask Merlin for new books…' So he picked it up and soon he was again lost in a land where dragons roam…
After Arthur had left Merlin regretted for being so cold to Arthur. He had been nice to him all day and Merlin had lied to him and… He put his head on his knees to block the room from his vision. He had jerked of on images of Arthur. He had a serious crush on him. He had wanted Arthur. But now… he felt so grateful just being near Arthur, not doing anything perverted, just… talking, sitting with him, playing football with him. It just now sank in how deep he was. He had tried to not feel for Arthur but every time he was close Merlin just couldn't help himself but he sank deeper…
He felt his breathing get quicker and he had to concentrate on breathing trough his nose. 'I have dreamed Arthur doing stuff that Uther have done to me.' 'I have imagined myself doing those things to Arthur' 'I get excited just by sitting with him a cafe' He was dwelling and making himself feel worse. His breath was quicker and his heart was beating fast. 'Will I become like Uther? Or am I already… maybe I really want it like Uther says…' His breathing was calming now and he rose to a sitting position again. Or maybe calming was a wrong word. More like he was getting numb. His heart was still drumming in his ears but he could sit straight now. 'You are a dirty faggot' He heard Uthers words in his head, but he wasn't sure if the opinion was Uthers or his own anymore.
When Uther came into his room many hours later, Merlin was staring his biology text book blankly. He had been reading it at some point but for last 45 minutes or so he had been checking time and reading some lines over and over again before just moving on staring one picture on a left page. He turned around to finally meet Uthers furious stare. "You think you can hide from me? You think you have the right to make trouble?" He dragged Merlin from his chair to the bed. "You little whore! What were you doing in a bathroom without any light? I bet you enjoyed yourself…" He said with his hand now on Merlins throat. Merlin tried not to push Uther because he knew it would make Uther even more angry but he felt panic. Merlin could breath but Uther was pressing his throat and he felt powerless and anxious, would Uther kill him?
Uther was now opening his belt and Merlin felt his breath hitch. Their position… Uther on top of him… he realised then and there what the future would bring to him. When Uther came to sit on top of his face he actually was relieved. He opened his mouth and closed his eyes automatically and Uther thrusted into his mouth. The force of every thrust came directly onto Merlins face and Uthers balls were hitting his jaw. Uther was pinning Merlins other arm down with his leg. The blood didn't circulate in it anymore and it felt painfully numb. Merlin squeezed his eyes close even tighter and tried to hold the base of Uthers thing in his free hand so Uther wouldn't go so deep into his throat. He soon found a rhythm in pumping his hand at the same time he sucked and he heard Uther pant. He tried not to think, but if he lost the rhythm, his hand would slip and Uther would sit with all of his weight on Merlin and the back of his throat making him gag.
At some point Uther started to rub him and he felt himself get hard. 'I'm sick, there is something wrong with me…' He thought and didn't even care when Uther came in to his mouth. "Shallow it." came a command and Uther took hold of his face. "I know you want to you faggot, do it." Merlin felt tears burn his eyes as he tried to shallow but he couldn't. "Shallow it!" Uther hissed right to his face. The smell of semen and Uthers breath made his head spin and he forcefully shallowed everything in his mouth. He felt it burn his mouth and he felt sick and he knew he was going to throw up soon. The only thing keeping him from vomiting was the adrenalin pumping in his veins caused by Uther who was holding his face still. Uther smirked looking satisfied "Keep your doors open." he whispered into his ear and with a final touch to Merlins still clothed crotch he rose and walked out from Merlins room.
As soon as Merlin heard the door close he made a bee line to his bathroom. He didn't have time to open the toilet seat so he threw up into the sink. He was shaking and he still felt Uthers load running down his throat. He wanted to turn himself upside down and wash it all away. He looked at his reflection in his mirror and saw a hideous sight. He had red dots on his face, his lips were swollen, his forehead was sweaty and worst of all was the look he had in his eyes. He didn't know how to name it but he knew his eyes showed how he felt inside. He saw the darkness he had felt spreading. It had reached his eyes.
Memory of Uther coming and making him shallow made him vomit again. It was more violent than before and Merlin felt some of the vomit go to his nose. He had to cough when he tried to inhale sharply at the feeling. When he couldn't vomit anymore he almost crawled into the shower, throwing his clothes off at the same time. He let the water run so hot it burned not caring that the bathroom door was open. He brushes his teeth while showering and scrubbed his skin until it hurt and used all the shower gel he had left making his bathroom smell like a lair of lemons. He couldn't make himself touch his thing. He couldn't even look at it. He hated it. Why was he so…so… gay? Why was he gay? He hated it. He didn't want any of this. What if he could be straight and he could have a crush on Gwen for example and he wouldn't get hard and Uther wouldn't…
He tried then. He tried to see Gwen like that. He tried to make himself want her. But he couldn't and in the end he also felt like he had betrayed Gwens trust by thinking her naked and stuff…
It was almost midnight when he turned the water off. Without drying he put on a pyjama and threw himself onto his bed. When he turned to his back he suddenly felt flash back of Uther on top of him, looking at him and… Merlin rose up like the memory had hit him. He looked at his bed and he could only hear it creak in rhythm of- He jumped off from his bed. He couldn't sleep here. He looked around and saw his couch. He took his blanket and moved himself to the couch. He laid on his side his back meeting the cushion. He was a bit too long for this sofa so he had to bend his knees a little. He curled into his blanket as his hair had started to cool down and it made him cold. He slowly drifted into a sleep and he dreamed of laying in the field with Arthur next to him, letting him be, maybe sleeping under his jacket...
When Merlin woke up, it was already morning and he felt calmer. Merlin decided that he was never going to sleep in that bed again.