Merlin woke up when Arthur shook him. "Breakfast, Merlin, you lazy blanket thief…" Merlin opened his eyes and tried to make sense of what Arthur meant and where he was. He soon realised his whereabouts and soon after that he noticed the two blankets he had on him. No wonder it felt warm… It took one more second to come to a conclusion that the other blanket was Arthurs.
Merlin blushed but luckily Arthur had already turned to leave "I'll eat your breakfast if you don't hurry." He said cheerfully and walked out leaving the door open. Merlin saw the kitchen and smelled pancakes. Gwen waved her spatula at him and told him to come to eat while they were hot. Merlin smiled and moved to a sitting position. He froze in a middle of getting up when he felt his pyjama pants too tight. He had an erection… He couldn't believe himself! This wasn't the first time he had morning wood, but why, why now?! Was it because he had slept next to Arthur? Or because his blanket? He tried to remember his dreams desperately but couldn't. What could he do? This was so humiliating and the door was open and he had to get up…
Merlin lied back down and buried himself to the blankets. He tried not to think anything and slowly he felt the tension lessen. When he had made extra sure he no longer had any evidence of his previous problem, he finally got up.
"Finally! Your sleeping abilities amaze me…" Arthur commented while Gwen sat down her own portion also ready. There was a plate of pancakes in front of an empty chair reserved for him and another in the middle of the table full of them. Gwens father also sat on the table almost finished with his portion. "That was delicious, Gwen. I have to leave soon for work… I trust it's clean here when I get back?" He said when he had eaten the last bit of his portion. "It will, I'll make sure Elyan cleans. Do you want some more to take with you?" Gwen said calmly to his father sounding more like a mother than a daughter. Her father smiled gently if not bit tiredly. "Thanks. I'll have few, if you could put them in a lunch box while I change?" He replied the smile never leaving his features. "Of course." Gwen replied cheerfully.
'She really is mature… no wonder Lance didn't realise she is only 15…' Merlin thought and wondered absentmindedly when Lance had figured it out and from who. 'Propably from Gwen herself because Lance thought she is already 16... Elyan would have said 15. And the school record too.' He pondered. He had kind of missed his change to correct Lance when they were talking and now he saw no reason to it, Gwen would be 16 soon anyway.
As Merlin ate he avoided Arthurs eyes and concentrated on eating. He felt a bit shy in his presence and shame on himself for being like- like that right next to Arthur the whole night. He had no idea how he had managed to steal Arthurs blanket and he hoped that Arthur hadn't woken up when he had done that. He could only hope that Arthur hadn't thought anything of it (more than being annoyed which he surely was). Luckily right now Arthur was conversing with Elyan and Gwen and the kitchen was full of noise and cheerful laughter. Gradually Merlin felt more at home than in a long time. He too joined the conversation after a while.
The pancakes were delicious and Merlin told Gwen that now they were even, which made Gwen remember the dress and she left her dishes to the table for grumbling Elyan to take care of and skipped to her room to change. When she came out about twenty minutes later she had the dress and dark brown stockings and three small flowers in the side of her hair. "How do I look?" She asked shyly. Elyan made a noise like trying to get as much breath in his lungs as he could in order to tell his opinion. "I didn't ask you." Gwen told him before he could which made him breath out sounding overly disappointed. "I think you look lovely." Merlin told her smiling fondly. Arthur glanced at him with bit of suspicion. Could Merlin have a crush on Gwen anyway… He wouldn't have told Gwen if he liked her, right?
Gwen looked happy and she jumped a bit. "I really should shop with you more often." she said and sat down besides Merlin. She then reached for Merlin with an extra flower in her hand and pinned it behind Merlins ear. This of course made Arthur laugh and Merlin felt pleased hearing that sound. He desided to play along this time "Does it suit me?" He asked tilting his head towards Arthur and Gwen laughed and Arthur almost fell from his chair. Elyan grumbled at them for having fun and making him do the dishes.
The time to go home came too soon. Merlin knew his mother wouldn't be home and he felt uneasy going back to the house. Would he get used to it ever? Going back there… Arthur also seemed to want to stay as long as possible, but when his father called to ask when they would be home, Merlin knew that they didn't have much time. Arthur lied something about cleaning up and gathering their project before ending the call with "Yes father".
"I suppose it was some school work again you came here for…" Elyan commented dryly. "Yeah… chemistry." Gwen also nodded and Merlin realised that this was the reason Gwen had opposed Uther being so strict before. She had known that Arthur had to lie to get out of the house and that it now applied to Merlin. If only he too had the courage to lie to Uther...
When they were putting their jackets on Merlins hand swept his ear and he suddenly remembered the flower. He took it off from his hair and put it gently to Gwens. "Thank you for inviting me over." He said and Gwen smiled at him warmly. "See you at school tomorrow." and they left. Elyans car was cold for being outside all night. Arthur took the plastic bag Merlin had for his new clothes. "I'll hide this into my bag, I'll sneak it to you somehow." Merlin agreed. It wasn't good idea to risk Uther seeing his purchases and his bag was full.
Merlin and Arthur talked only a little on the way home. They both were a bit tired so when Elyan put some music on, Merlin took the opportunity to just watch the scenery and the neighbourhood Gwen lived in. It looked so nice here… He had been blown away at first about Uthers house and the area but now he had trouble even liking it. Elyan dropped them in the same street corner they had left yesterday with the cab. Arthur told Merlin that the real reason why they only drove here was that his father didn't appreciate Elyans style very much. Nor his car which was cheep. He didn't want anyone to see it drive to his front door.
The house was quiet and big and Merlin felt empty. He liked Gwens home much better. Arthur called for his father, but no one answered. Arthur quickly opened his bag and handed Merlin his purchases. "He must be in his study… remember that we left the work to Gwen to take to school tomorrow." He flashed Merlin a smile before moving towards exit again. He changed his jacket and shoes and took a football from a cupboard. "I'll go and think of something for the warm up for next week, tell father I'm in the field if he asks!" And he went. There was a little area in their garden that Arthur used for practicing. The grass there was solid and cut for the purpose.
Merlin took his new clothes to his room being sure that Uther would jump from some corner any time and demand what Merlin was carrying. To his relief, nothing happened and he threw the bag into his closet. He would wear something new tomorrow. That thought at least made him a bit happier. For a while Merlin waited Uther to make his appearance, but after a while he relaxed when nothing happened. He didn't have anything to do and with time he found himself lying from the floor felling bored. He didn't remember what he used to do before when he had free time and he really couldn't imagine anything new either. 'I could try on those new shirts…' but he dismissed the idea fast because he still couldn't be sure if Uther would come…
Merlin briefly thought of going to see what Arthur was doing or even help him to practice… but he didn't want Arthur to figure out how desperate he was of his company. 'This sucks.' Was Merlins honest opinion. He observed his room from this unusual ankle but it went old fast. His perfectly painted roof wasn't very intriguing… 'Is Arthurs room the same…?' He wondered and started to think all the differences of his and Arthurs rooms. First of all their layouts were mirror images but the alcoves where Merlins couch was, were on the same sides of their rooms. Merlin bed was opposite wall from the sofa and Arthurs was on the same wall a low bookcase between them. Arthur also had a tv under his window so he could watch it from his sofa and where Merlin had a sofa, Arthur had his working desk. Merlin didn't have a tv and his working desk was under the window. He had liked the view before, but nowadays he felt it unnerving that he had to work his back to the door (which opened too quietly to his tastes…) Arthurs room was decorated mainly with strong colours like red and dark brown while Merlins was mostly soft tones of purple and gray. Apparently they were chosen by Arthurs sister Morgana, whose room this used to be.
Merlin had never seen her and Arthur seemed to find her annoying while he clearly also was fond of her in a very little brother way, still their relationship seemed complicated. To Merlin it seemed a bit odd that Morgana had not once visited them, not even for the wedding. He remembered Arthur once mentioning that she and Uther didn't get along and that Morgana was now in university and lived with a room mate. But that was everything Arthur seemed to know.
Merlin let his thoughts wander and finally he remembered the feeling of Arthur laying next to him and he turned to his side and closed his eyes imaging Arthur next to him reaching for his hair… He wasn't sure why that felt so real but with that feeling he fell asleep. He was laying on a hard wooden floor but he felt comfortable and warm and he slept with a pleasant dream of Arthur caressing his hair.
Arthur had a good time making up new routines for his team. He had always been one for physical routine. But he would have liked someone to practice with him. He had thought of asking Merlin to join him but decided on waiting if he would come himself. Obviously Merlin didn't show up, so he was here alone. For the first half an hour he half waited Merlin to come for him, but after that he fully engaged himself on making his routines. He wanted to make something new and inspiring for his team. For Arthur what ever he had to do was worth the trouble if he could make the people depending on him do their best.
When he was ready he noticed that it was almost dinner time. He took his ball and starred walking to the house. When he had showered and was making his way to the dining room, he felt a need to check on Merlin. Merlins door was half open (which was unusual) and when Arthur opened it fully, he saw Merlin lying on his floor sleeping. 'Again… does he ever do anything else?' he thought while walking towards Merlin.
He stopped by Merlins side and looked at him awhile. Merlin seemed peaceful and calm. Arthur wasn't sure if he had seen Merlin like this at any other time but sleeping. He liked it. If his father wasn't already downstairs he wouldn't have dared to wake Merlin up but sadly, he had to. He could have just shaken him wake but on a sudden impulse he lied right next to Merlin and just called his name. "Merlin, it's time to wake up…" he said with a soft tone that surprised himself.
For a moment he wasn't sure if Merlin would even hear him but apparently even Merlin didn't sleep too soundly on floor. Merlin opened his eyes slowly and for a moment he smiled. Arthur had never seen him smile quite like that and he could just stare at Merlins blue eyes while Merlin seemed slowly to wake up.
Eventually his smile faltered. "Arthur! Wha- what are you doing?" He finally realised who, what and where he was and rose quickly to a sitting position. Arthur frowned a bit. He felt… disappointed of Merlins smile disappearing, but he couldn't let it show. "Waking you up. It's dinner time." He said more calmly than he felt, still laying on the floor. Merlin looked at him like he had another head and finally blushed. 'Maybe because he's embarrassed that I found him sleeping on the floor?' Arthur thought.
"So, dinner you said…" Merlin mumbled, stood up and moved to the door without looking at Arthur again. Arthur slowly lifted himself from the floor and made his way to downstairs. 'cute…smiling Merlin is cute…' This thought was more than a bit worrying but he let it slide. He wasn't so sure anymore how exactly he saw Merlin…
Merlin felt mortified. He actually had confused his dreams and reality. And this was not the only time he felt he wasn't quite there. 'I have to keep it together better…' He told himself. His good dreams, his bad dreams, Uthers voice, his paranoia to new people… This was getting out of hand. He wasn't sure anymore where inside of his head started and where it ended. In his dream Arthur had been laying next to him. He had caressed Merlins hair and spoken him with a soft voice. And Merlin had smiled at him and was about to tell him how he loved him… He wasn't sure when the dream had ended. He wasn't even sure if Arthur had really been laying next to him on the floor or if he had imagined it. Maybe Arthur was really standing or even just told him from the hallway… It would make much more sense…
Merlin had a hard time enjoying being himself that night. He couldn't face Arthur and he avoided Uthers gaze like it would burn him alive. Even his endless studying wouldn't distract him from being scared that he would mix up his fantasies to reality and say or do something that would make everyone know… For the first time since this all started, he felt like he didn't want to go to school. There were so many people… Finally he closed his book in frustration and went to lay on his sofa.
'This is real…' He thought laying there 'I live here, I go to school, Gwen, Elyan and Arthur are my friends….' It hurt a bit to group Arthur as his friend but at the same time he was ashamed and quilt swirled inside of him for wanting anything else. 'My mother loves me… at least if she never finds out about this…' He was aware that he was technically cheating her mother being like this with her husband. He shuddered. 'Does that mean that Uther is also cheating mother with…me…? ' That was a bizarre thought 'Does it count if Uther thinks I'm disgusting? But… he also gets hard… he came inside of me…'
Merlin had to open his eyes just to see his ceiling and a dim light coming from his reading light. He could again smell Uthers smell and hear him panting. The imaginary fated slowly leaving Merlin with cold sweat and feeling sick. 'I'm on my couch, I'm alone…' he had to reassure himself. 'He has cummed on me a lot of times…' Now Merlin had to rise to a sitting position so nothing would come up.
Merlin had never questioned this before, not really, but why did Uther do what he did? '…as an adult I have the responsibility to protect anyone underaged from doing anything they could regret in the future…' He suddenly remembered Lances words. He surely was underaged but if he was sure about something today, Uther didn't want to protect him.
Merlin felt suddenly angry. What the hell protecting even meant? Could someone protect him from liking other males? Could someone protect him from wanting Arthur, from loving him? Could someone protect him from Uther… He hated the thought of Uther coming again and again. He didn't want him near. He hurt Merlin, he made Merlin vomit, he made Merlin hate himself… But no-one would help… He was on this alone and no one could know…
His anger slowly changed to depression. He had nothing he could do. Telling himself to anyone felt like it had all been for nothing. He would have to tell everyone that he was gay and that he lusted for his supposed to be step-brother and the pictures… Uther would show them to everybody and they would know what he had done…
Merlin covered his face with his hands and took a deep breath. He had to calm down… He had to keep himself together… Or he would expose himself.
He was there until Uther came into his room. Merlin was so deep inside of his mind he didn't even hear Uther until he was standing next to him. "What a disappointment you are…" Merlins blood ran cold and he almost fell from where he was sitting. His heart was racing painfully in his chest and he felt dizzy. "Take off your clothes." This was it. Again and again he would have to do this. Uther would never leave him alone. Could he get away with just giving him a head? 'I have to get him away from my couch…' This thought wasn't very logical but Merlin really didn't want Uther taking him on the only place he still could sleep.
Merlin rose and let Uther take his shirt of while he tried to lead him towards his bed as slowly as he could. Uther opened his own belt and pushed Merlins shoulder to make him kneel. Merlin couldn't help but feel a bit relieved. "Such a happy expression… you really do what this don't you? You want it in your mouth and up in your ass, don't you?" Merlin couldn't reply. He felt shame shallow him and he knew he couldn't argue to Uther. Uthers thing was now in front of his face and he held his breath so he wouldn't taste. He closed his eyes so he couldn't see and he shut his mind so he wouldn't have to think what he was really doing.
He sucked. He had learned that way Uther wouldn't pull his hair and also that way Uther would come faster and leave. "I wonder if you did have a good time with your 'friends'? I hope you didn't try anything with that girl... was her name Gwen? Or maybe it's her brother you are after…" Merlin couldn't continue when Uther mentioned his friends. His mouth was dry and he felt nausea, he tried to cover himself like his friends could hear and see everything when their names were mentioned.
This didn't make Uther happy and Merlin soon felt himself being lifted from the floor and pushed to his bed. His heart stopped and he heard a tube cap being opened with a snap. He would flinch to that sound for years to come.
Uther didn't take long to thrust into Merlin. He didn't use any fingers first and for a moment Merlin felt so much pain he only saw white. He slowly came back to reality when he got used to the pain a little, but it hurt so much…. "And so naughty here, are we now. Tell me, were you also hard for your friends brother, hmm?" Merlin didn't understand at first what he meant at all but then he finally realised, that Uthers hand was caressing Merlins now fully erected staff. For a while he lost all reality. He could still feel the pain. He could hear and smell Uther. He could feel him inside of his ass. But he didn't care. He was hard. He had felt himself dirty and shameful but now something was different. 'I really am this sick… I really want this…' Uther had been right. There wasn't anything to protect in him. He wasn't worth protecting.
He waited until Uther came, this time on his back. Merlin filched with pain when Uther suddenly pulled out and soon he felt something warm hit his neck and the smell was horrible. "Do not think that I will ever allow you to whore yourself around." Uther said into his ear with smug voice. Merlin just nodded, he didn't know what else to do. It seemed to work because Uther retreated to the door, opened the lock and disappeared for tonight.
If Merlin had a choice, he would have laid there for a long time, but suddenly he was very conscious about the fact that his door was open. Of course his mother would be back only after he had left for school and Arthur was fast asleep… or was he? Merlin had no idea what time it was… So he rose up as quickly as he could and made his way to bathroom and locked the door. He didn't give a damn if Uther would know. In the bathroom, he could barely stand. His legs were shaky and he felt faint. And on top of that, now that he was standing, he felt Uthers cum run down his back. He felt his nausea again and he vomited in the sink. After that he was shivering and tears ran from his eyes silently.
'I can't take this anymore…' But to him that thought was worthless. He had nowhere to go. He touched his bottom and he felt it sore and wet. He bought his fingers up to look at them and he saw blood. Blood… somehow he felt a bit cleaner with that. He couldn't want something that made him bleed right? Blood… He wondered if losing a little more would make him a bit cleaner. He remembered his old carving knife he had had since he had been seven. It was in his desk drawer…
He put a towel around himself and moved as quickly as he could to get the knife and as quickly back behind the locked door. He took the cover off and looked at the small knife. It held good memories from his home… He had carved poorly with Will and he had given some of the stuff he had made to his mother. He had once cut his finger and he still had a small scar there. He pressed the blade on his thigh. No one would see it in there and he felt it was a bit closer to the problem than his wrists. He closed his eyes and slid the blade.
It hurt. The sharp pain caught him by surprise and he dropped the knife. It fell to the tiled floor making clanging sounds. Merlin opened his eyes and saw blood running from an about ten centimetres wide clean wound. He felt weak and he had to lie down on the floor. For a moment he saw everything more sharply, more clearly. The light in his bathroom felt brighter and he heard his heart beat loud and steady in his ears. He was in control for a while but then he saw himself as he was for a while.
It made him see it all from a different ankle. He was there, bleeding, too skinny and vomiting in regular basis. He felt thin and empty. He was not fit to this. And this wouldn't help him. He remembered how he had promised to his mother he wouldn't lock his door 'What if something happened there and the door was locked…' Right now something had happened. And Merlin had been stupid enough to make it happen himself. 'Idiot…' He thought. He felt so stupid.
Fortunately his wound didn't bleed for long and he felt better and better laying there. Finally he was confident enough to sit. He crawled on all fours to shower, he didn't dare to stand up yet. He was painfully aware of how close it had been that he hadn't for example fainted. He thought of his mother finding him laying on the bathroom floor after she realised that Merlin wasn't where he was supposed to be. Like this, naked and bleeding, unable to get up. He shuddered. He had to get up.
Merlin washed his wounds carefully. His back was another story. He almost dislocated his shoulder trying to scrub the feeling of Uthers cum from his skin. In the end he had to stop when one too quick movement made his leg stretch and his cut open. He used a ton of toilet paper to press on his tight and to his bottom, which didn't seem to bleed that much anymore. He had to get some bandages tomorrow without anyone noticing. 'There must be some in the house, but where?' Could he ask Arthur without making him suspicious? He didn't know.
When Merlin was getting up he noticed, to his horror, that many surfaces of the bathroom were covered with little or not so little droplets of blood. He didn't have any energy left but he had to get it cleaned. Their cleaning lady would clean all the bathrooms tomorrow and she couldn't see this… So he washed everything he could with showering water on tiled parts and his toilet seat he had sat while he had cut himself. He felt a new shame born inside of him.
Some parts of the walls and cupboard and sink he had to scrub by hand 'How does so little blood go everywhere?' He thought exhausted. When he couldn't see more stains he gave up. He didn't even see straight anymore and his leg was now aching badly. On every white surface he could see ghost of red droplets.
He limbed to his room only dropping his last full toilet paper roll to his nightstands drawer 'For the next time I'll need it…' he thought darkly and went to his couch. He lowered himself slowly careful not to hurt his leg more. He only had few hours to sleep before going to school. He wished the morning would never come before he fell asleep drained from all energy.
But the morning came. And this time it came for Merlin in form of one pissed off Arthur. "Merlin!" His shout made Merlin open his eyes tiredly. "What…?" His confusion managed to piss Arthur off even more "What do you mean what? I'm leaving and I am leaving now were you with me or not! What is wrong with you?! I have tried to wake you up here like an idiot!" Merlin was now fully awake. He didn't want to see Arthur mad at him… It hurt. "Sorry! I'll- I'll be up now…" He mumbled and rose up.
Arthur frowned at him and Merlin was about to run to get his clothes but his leg stopped him. He felt a needle like pain and he got afraid that he had opened the wound again. "Don't sorry me but move!" Arthur didn't like it when Merlin again seemed to want them to be late by stopping in mid-step in the middle of the room. "Father had to leave early, Elyan promised to pick us up." He managed to explain with angry tone. Arthur knew full well that he couldn't leave without Merlin, his job was to get him to school and his father would be furious to both of them if he left Merlin behind. Luckily Merlin started to move again but not nearly fast enough for Arthurs liking.
Finally Merlin came out from his closet with a green shirt on and some loosest trousers Arthur had seem him wear ever. In his hand he had a new jumper and he was trying to get a price tag off. This of course didn't help Arthurs mood "Do that in the car, if we are late because you had time to decide on what to wear I'll kill you myself." Arthur snatched Merlins school bag and pulled Merlin out from the room. "Hey! I hadn't bagged it yet…" He tried to protest but Arthur just snapped "You should have thought about it yesterday or woken up earlier!" and kept dragging Merlin downstairs. This made Merlins leg hurt like hell and Merlin was scared of it opening so he tried to slow down which made Arthur just pull more. Finally they got into the car Elian had parked next to their entrance and Arthur was fuming.
"You are impossible in the mornings but this must be the record! If I didn't know any better I would have thought that you had died while sleeping…" He ranted and Merlin felt ashamed. He hadn't been thinking at all last night and he had forgotten to set his alarm. Still this was better than Uther having to come and wake him up…
He kept his gaze on his lap and he noticed a tiniest red bloom in his pants. He quickly took a hold of the fabric so it wouldn't touch his tight anymore. 'I should at least have chosen my wrist…' He had no idea how he was going to survive PE today. He tried to calculate if this was a cooper test day but he couldn't remember so he had to ask from silent but still angry Arthur. "Yes. Can't you count?" he snapped at him and Merlin felt his heart drop. 'How could I have been so stupid… I should have remembered.' He was now angry at himself so he joined Arthurs silence and concentrated on keeping his leg still. Elyan also stayed silent. He had vitnessed enough sibling fights to know when it was time to stay quiet. Even if this fight seemed somehow different that his and Gwens fights.
Arthur was calming down. They would make it, barely, but still. He was clad that he had a habit of being early. It had saved them now. When he had woken up he had eaten breakfast like he normally did, told his father a good day when he left to work and collected his stuff. Only then he had thought on checking on Merlin. It wasn't unusual for him to miss breakfast and wake up as late as possible but at this time he was usually raiding their fridge to find something to eat even on weekends. Arthur had no idea what Merlin did on normal days because he always left before Merlin woke up. So he went to Merlins door and when no-one replied to his knocking, he let himself in. He was surprised to find Merlin sleeping from his couch. 'Did he read until late and fell asleep on his couch?' He didn't see any book nearby…
When he had reached Merlin, he had noticed that Merlin didn't have any shirt on. That was unusual sight, Merlin seemed to be very self conscious about his body and he always had full pyjama and he changed his gym clothes in bathroom nowadays. Merlin was mostly cowered by blanket but Arthur could see Merlins shoulder and a part of his side and back. 'He really is thin…' He thought worriedly. He touched Merlins bare shoulder and shook it gently. Merlins skin was warm and soft, if not a bit dry and Arthur felt his hand wander towards Merlins back. He could feel Merlins rib case even near his shoulders. He tried to think Merlin was just naturally thin and he didn't have any muscle and that he would gain more weight eventually, but it still made him uneasy so he moved his hand away and covered Merlins shoulder with the blanket.
"Merlin, wake up, we have to leave." He said gently. He hoped to see the same smile he had seen just yesterday, but Merlin didn't even stir. Arthur let his hand wander to Merlins neck and to his hair. It was soft and the feel of Merlins scalp against his fingers and his short hair in between his fingers made Arthur lose his sense of time. He could do this all day.
But the time was not on his side so he tried to call Merlin softly one more time. Merlin didn't show any signs of waking up so Arthur tried louder. He tried several times clad that nobody else was home but when Merlin didn't move he started to feel irritated. Was Merlin pretending to be asleep to annoy him? He glanced his watch and he realised that they didn't have much time. He shouted at this point and finally Merlin opened his eyes. Arthur had been ready to shake Merlin and he stopped abruptly in midair his hands hovering over Merlin. This made him feel stupid so he ended up taking it out on Merlin.
Arthur sighed. He was too short tempered. It was Merlins fault for not waking up early enough to get to school but he shouldn't have yelled at him… He himself had used too much time just watching and touching Merlin. Sleeping Merlin. Awesome. 'I have to really stop doing that. Right, we live together, it's not like I can't just hug him or something and get over with this... weird need to touch him all the time.' He thought embarrassed.
Arthur glances at Merlin who was staring out of the window at the moment 'cute…' He remembered thinking this word before. What did he think about Merlin? 'He is an idiot who almost made me late today.' He decided and got ready to exit the car while Elyan tried to find an open spot for his car. Arthur wouldn't ruin the rest of his day thinking more to this than it was.
Merlins day was mostly filled with worrying about his leg and trying to act normal. The first change he got, he went to bathroom to see his leg and found it looking messy. I had opened partially and some of the paper had stuck on it. He tried to peel most of the paper of and wash the wound gently. He wondered if he could go to ask some bandages from the school nurse but quickly dismissed that thought. He would have to survive with toilet paper.
Gwen was over the moon to see Merlin in his new shirt and she herself had her new dress. She looked pretty and Merlin cheered up a bit in her presence. He also had to smirk when he saw Lances face when he happened to walk past them in hallway. Gwen blushed a little and Merlin hoped he himself wasn't that easy to read. Still Lances purely admiring and a bit stupid face relaxed him a bit. He couldn't think Uther ever having that face. Still Merlin had trouble eating at lunch and when Gwen commented on it he just told her that he didn't like that particular food very much (even thought he couldn't even remember what it really was). Gwen made him buy some chocolate because he looked pale. Merlin ate it and felt better for half an hour but when the day rolled on, he felt more and more tired.
Finally it was time for PE and honestly, Merlin had no idea how he would run the cooper test. He changed his clothes in bathroom and tried not to flinch when the smell of previous classes sweat hit him in the gym like a wet rug. He felt ill. They first did some warm up and Merlin felt awful. He tried to concentrate on one dot on the wall but he slipped easily and his balance went with it. When he finally tripped on his own feet, he felt his wound stretch painfully.
When the warm up was completed, Merlin glazed a clock which was located atop of gyms entrance. It had only been fifteen minutes. Merlins shoulders dropped and it took extreme effort to move himself to a line and stay standing for todays instructions. He didn't listen very well and when Lance blew his whistle, Merlin had no idea what to do. He decided to follow the rest and soon he realised the coopers test had begun. He didn't care about his results today, he just wanted to survive the class and go home and sleep.
He barely noticed Arthurs concerned face when he passed him by a lapse, but it made him try harder for a while. Still twelve minutes was too long time to run with his current condition and his leg hurt like hell. He had ran only about five minutes when Lance pulled him aside. "Merlin, are you alright?" He asked clear concern in his eyes. "I tried to call you in your previous lapse, but you seemed like you didn't hear me. You don't look like you should be in school… Are you ill?" The questions rang in Merlins years and he tried to concentrate on one at the time. Could he use one of them as an excuse? Like he had been feeling sick? No… he'd have to go to the nurse then.
"It's nothing… just that I'm tired." He said but found it hard to look Lance in the eye. "Have you been sleeping well?" Lance didn't let him go. "Yes… just not tonight." Merlin tried to sound convincing and he knew he was failing miserably. "Any particular reason for that?" Lances question triggered something in Merlins brain and made him angry. Very angry.
"I don't think it's any of your business." He said with a quiet but dangerously low voice. There was a pause when Merlin looked Lance in the eye daring him to speak and Lance didn't know what to say or do. "Would you wait for me in my office until this is finished?" He finally said. Merlin took his change and walked to Lances small office.
While angry, he had forgotten his leg for a second there, but now that he was walking, it came back to him. He sat down in the office and grimaced. There was no-one here and no windows so he could have this moment just for himself. He looked around the office and his eyes fell into a first aid cupboard. He listened for a second to be sure that everyone was still running and glanced the door to see if someone could see him.
When he was sure he was safe, he rose up and opened the cupboard. It was full of everything he might need and he quickly took some bandages, plasters, roll bandages and few one use only disinfectant towels. There were even condoms and on moments impulse he also took one of those. He stuffed everything in his pockets and made sure they didn't make any sound when he sat down again.
Soon he heard Lance blow his whistle and start collecting individual distances. Merlins interest was captured only when he heard Arthurs name, but he couldn't hear well so he missed the distance. Now he only had to wait for Lance to give some instructions for what they were going to do next. He heard him make Arthur lead some stretching and then some football exercises. 'Yeah, use Arthur again will you?' It didn't seem fair to him that Arthur was always the one who had to be responsible of everything. At home and at school. Could he never have a brake? Hadn't he done enough already?
Merlins thoughts were interrupted by Lance who came to the office looking serious. Some of Merlins anger disappeared when Lance closed the door. He didn't like being in a closed room and he felt claustrophobic. It eased up a bit when Lance moved to sit behind his desk and there was open pathway to the door.
"Merlin, I want to talk to you about your wellbeing. I have noticed that your performance in class has been dropping. You were fine before, but many times now you have been tired and your coopers test for example is worse by every time. So please tell me, is there something wrong?" Merlin was annoyed to Lance but more so to himself. He had let everyone see him getting weaker. Anyone could figure out what was going on if he kept doing like this.
"I just don't like sports." He wasn't even lying, he was actually a bit surprised that Lance had told him that he had been 'ok' before. "I don't mean now just not liking, I mean you seem like you can't do it." The worry was thick in Lances voice but the words made Merlin feel angry again. He knew it wasn't logical, but hearing that he couldn't do something like sports rubbed him the wrong way. He didn't even care for the subject! He just wanted to be left alone.
"And I mean I don't want to hear this from a pervert who likes his students!" He wasn't his real self right now. He just wanted to be mean. Something he had never wanted to be in his life. And it worked. Lance froze and didn't say anything. Merlin had to continue so he wouldn't start apologising. "I don't want to be here. Leave me alone if you don't want me to tell Gwen everything and the principal too!"
There was a moment of silence again and then Lance rose to leave. "You can go to change now." He said while passing Merlin. He didn't sound mad, he sounded disappointed. It hurt Merlin. He hadn't wanted this. He hadn't meant to make Lance disappointed… But he didn't know how to take it back so he could just watch Lance walk past him. He waited a long while before slipping to change hoping nobody would see him.
If for something he was clad that he could change in peace but he didn't know if he was allowed to leave or not so he just sat in the changing room for a long time. Finally he left because he didn't want to meet the others so he just wandered around the school and to its premises for a while. He found a nice spot to sit where no-one could really see him and when the bell rang he walked to the parking lot like he had never been out from class.
Uther picked Merlin up like normal and he didn't have to see Arthur. To his luck Uther didn't touch him much because he remembered too late all the stuff he had in his pockets. If Uther had noticed them rustle in his pockets and found them- especially the condom… 'Why did I take that? Stupid, stupid, stupid…' It's not like he would need it but if someone found it…
When they were at home he tried to walk as normally as he could while not making any sound. His mother was home and had just woken up. She greeted him from the table eating breakfast. Merlin waved at her not meeting her eyes and told her that he was a bit tired so he would take a nap. He felt horrible. He had goten trouble acting normal for his friend and Arthur but his mother… He felt like he was betraying her. In a way he also felt he was betraying Arthur but it was different and painful in different way. His mother… He could openly tell he loved her and still he… he had to get to his room. He wanted to disappear into some corner and never come out.
When Merlin closed the door behind him, he felt like he was breathing for the first time today. He gulped down air and tears ran down his face. He slid down and leaned to his door. He pulled his knees to his cheats not caring how that made his leg feel and just cried silently to his knees until he couldn't anymore. He was so tired… He slid to the floor and felt that it was alright to just fall asleep here… until he again heard his pocket rustle. Suddenly he was fully awake. He had to hide all this now!
He searched a hiding place with his eyes and thought of his nightstand. He didn't have anything in its drawer… He stood up and limped to his bed. Now he didn't have to care how it looked. He opened the drawer and he suddenly felt very cold. There was something. It was a tube and Merlin knew without further investigation what was inside of it. It was the lube Uther had used.
Merlin slammed the drawer shut and tried to collect himself. Uther had left it here… so he could use it more easily… and so if it was found, it would be Merlins. He shuddered. If it was found, he couldn't have any excuses. What if Arthur would go trough his stuff as a joke or if his mother would open that drawer… Merlin had to remind himself of breathing and he tried to calm down. 'Will Uther listen if I wanted to hide it better?' He wasn't sure…
'I have to think one problem at a time…' He thought willing his panic to go away. 'The mattress…' He lifted the mattress of his bed and put everything there. Side by side so they wouldn't make a bulge. The condom he would have to think another place. He looked under his bed and stuck the condom in between one of his beds boards and mattress.
After he had jumped up and down in his bed to be sure it didn't make any unusual sounds or nothing moved or dropped he took one of the bandages, disinfectant towels and one bandage roll and went to his bathroom to clean his leg. He locked his bathroom door again, but was ready to unlock it at any sound indicating someone opening the door leading to his room.
He took his pants off and started to peel all the toilet paper he had rolled around his tight carefully. Some of the paper was stuck into the wound but when he washed it with a damp cloth and the disinfectant towel, he got most of it out. The wound was red on the edges but didn't look as bad as Merlin had feared. When he had dressed the wound, he actually felt a bit better. He threw his pant to his laundry basket and opened the bathroom door. He listened for a second for any sounds and when he didn't hear any, he half limbed half ran into his closet to get something to wear. He felt exposed in his boxers and felt better only when he was again behind a closed door. He took a pair of college pants he normally didn't like wearing, but now the looseness felt easier for his leg.
The maid had taken his blanket and pillow from his couch, like every day, so he took just his jumper to cover him. It was warm and he felt better than in his whole day. Before sleep took him, he remembered that Arthur had waken him up this morning and had sawn him sleeping on the couch… He thought that he should care, but right now he didn't have any energy for that.
He slept until his mother woke him up by gently caressing the side of his face. In his sleepy state of mind, for a moment he was a little boy again and he hugged his mother and breathed in her smell. Hunith looked a bit surprised but hugged Merlin back and smiled at him brightly. Merlin was a bit embarrassed but now he could push his pain into a hidden corner of his mind again. He could look at his mother and converse in the dining table like he normally would. He could again lie to everyone and be normal in his life outside his room.
When Lance saw Merlin leave his office from the corner of his eye, he felt hurt. He hadn't thought Merlin would hate him like that. And he really was just doing his job at the moment… But something was off. Lance couldn't say what but he didn't really think it was because of him. He knew what a defiant person looked like and from Merlin he didn't get that feeling. He was worried. Merlin was thin but few weeks ago he had seen him run well and even the football… but today he looked like he was trying to survive the class alive rather than just run slowly because he didn't care.
He remembered Arthur asking him about anorexia, which was a bit odd, Arthur normally wasn't that interested more than getting the best score from tests but nothing more about any subject in particularly. 'Could he also have been worried about Merlin…?' He would have to try to ask about Merlin from Arthur without telling about his worries. He would just make things worse if he wasn't right.
Arthur wasn't happy. He had been angry in the morning but now he was mainly concerned about Merlin. He had seen Lance pull him to the side and he was clad he had. Merlin had looked awful. From morning till afternoon. He was slower than usual and he looked exhausted. Had he not slept enough? Speaking of which, why had Merlin slept on his couch? Seriously. His bed was top notch like Arthurs and he had taken all the trouble of taking his pillow and blanket with him… Ok, that was weird but notting serious. He was more worried about Merlins pale face and gloomy state. His mood seemed to wary from day to day so radically Arthur found it hard to follow.
And then there was this strange pull he felt towards Merlin all the time… Like he was super aware of where and what and how Merlin was doing all the time. The only thing that he couldn't get was why and that irritated Arthur to no end. He felt most at ease when he spend time with Merlin and he saw him smile…
Lance blew his whistle and he slowly walked to the line to tell his rounds. Lance asked him to get the class to do some of his exercises so he arranged the ones that played in his team to teach some good practicing moves to others and supervised that until Lance came back. Merlin wasn't with him and that didn't make Arthur happy. He hoped that Merlin would wait for him in the locker room but when the class ended, Merlin was already gone. He frowned but could do nothing else than to get ready for his football practices. He would see Merlin at home.
In the evening Merlin was glued to his mothers side and seemed much better than in school. He ate well and talked to his mother and even to Arthur like nothing had happened. Arthur soon realised that his father didn't know Merlin had left the class early so he didn't mention it either. When Arthur left to do his homework, Merlin still stayed downstairs which was unusual.
Only when Arthur had already showered and changed for the night did Merlin come knocking his door. He seemed happy and he smiled at him sheepishly and apologised for almost making them late at morning. Arthur had totally forgotten that, but he still managed to sound annoyed while telling Merlin to remember his alarm clock or he would wake him next time with a hit on his head.
After Merlin was gone Arthur felt his room a little bit empty. He tried to shake that feeling off, but didn't do very good job on that. 'I wanted him to stay…' The thought was absurd, Merlin was just behind the wall and he was about to sleep… Still… It would be great to just talk with him all night and not having to let him go to his own room. When he thought about this he realised that the time spend with Merlin had been the best part of his weekend. And maybe especially that time they were waiting for Gwen and Elyan just eating ice-cream. When they were alone.
'This is stupid. Stop it now.' He told himself and went to bed. He was physically tired but he still laid awake for a long time before falling asleep. The only dream he could remember when he woke up in the morning was about Merlin smiling at him laying next to him. He woke up when he tried to reach to touch Merlins hair and his alarm went off. He just stared his out stretched hand until his alarm went to snooze automatically. What was happening to him?
A/N Hello!
Thank you for reading my story, it really warms my heart when I see a new follower of even just visitors. The best of course is when I get a review. I'd like to thank MillaMaxwell12, LightSin24 and especially mersan123 who has reviewed me for every chapter since ch. 2. Thank you so much for your support, without you it would get quite lonely very quickly.
I hope you will continue enjoying my story and if you have anything you'd like to let me know, I would be very grateful for any comment. Review or PM, I'll answer if you have questions and try to better my story with every feedback I get.
Just in case anyone is wondering, I'm planing to update every fourth day, so 1-2 chapters/week. I have already written and edited and proofreader (twice, I'm paranoid for spelling mistakes) until ch.15 and the story is already completed, so the only things that could delay updates are sudden severe illness, spontaneous blindness and death of the internet.
Have a nice week, where ever you are my fellow fan fiction consumer!
-L