Arthur woke up just before his alarm went off. He was excited so he rose up immediately. Right now he loved his life. He changed and practically danced out of his room and only collected his posture when he saw his fathers slightly disapproving face. Still, when Arthur seemed to calm down, Uther smiled at him. That didn't happen very often, bur Arthur wasn't too surprised. He had heard his father brag him to right and left last night and he recalled very vividly how Merlin had told him that his father actually was proud of him. Now, that he had really heard it from his father, Arthurs felt his hard work had been all worth it.
"Come sit with me son, we will have some breakfast and after that, your car should arrive." Arthur smiled brightly and joined his father for breakfast. They ate and commented on the people in the party. Arthur didn't even mind when his father said some comments on Oliver that could have been mistaken as not so flattering. He could see past them. His father had allowed Arthur to invite him and his comments on how well mannered some of his other friends had been, made it all up for Arthur.
"Father, I was wondering that maybe I could go and try out my new car today?" He asked naturally when his father mentioned the car again. Uther didn't even hesitate before answering "Of course, it's good to get used to it right away and having a licence just means that you are allowed to practice driving alone now." Arthur beamed at him "I should go to a bit longer drive then." He still continued smoothly and when Uther nodded at him approvingly, Arthur couldn't help but grin.
"My friend mentioned me this new sports store yesterday. It's quite far away, but now that I need practice, it wouldn't be a waste of time to go there." Uther looked at his son in the eye, but Arthur knew his expressions, he wasn't dismissing the idea. "I agree, where is this place?" Arthur gave him a brief explanation hoping that his father wouldn't check it up. Arthur had visited the store with Elyan half a year ago.
Uther nodded at Arthurs explanation and gave him a permission to go. Normally Arthur would have quit while he had the permission and no risk of his father changing his mind, but today the whole point was to get Merlin to come with him. He wanted to spend time with him and preferably outside the house. It felt like there was not really a point getting some time for himself if he couldn't spend it with Merlin.
"I could take Merlin with me, I'm sure he has some place he would like to visit too. We could have lunch on the way." Arthur had no reason to think that there was anything wrong with his statement, but he was still nervous. He tried to conceal it by taking a sip of his coffee. Uther looked up from his newspaper he had started to read and Arthur knew that now his father was suspicious. Arthur had crossed that invisible line where he would have to make excuses for himself.
"Any particular place he would want to go?" Uther asked with a tone that suggested that this was way more serious matter than Arthur thought it was. "I'm not sure, but I would guess either library or a bookstore. There is a huge bookstore in the same complex than the sports store." Arthur held his breath. He realised that his father could notice how he seemed to know what was nearby the sports store he had never supposedly gone. Great. This was why he normally stopped when he still could.
Uther didn't seem satisfied. If Arthur hadn't grown up in this household and if he hadn't seen how his father had been with Morgana when she had been about as old as Arthur was now, he would have found this kind of unwillingness to let a 15 years old boy out of the house in a middle of a day with his step brother who had a car and a licence to be a weird behaviour, but before Arthur could start to wonder, why was his father so strict of Merlin leaving the house, Uther sighed and folded his paper.
"Arthur, I want you to understand that he is not like you. Merlin has grown in a remote, small village. He could get lost or he could get in trouble." Arthur blinked. His father sounded uncharacterly worried and Arthur felt a bit warm inside. Maybe his father really did see Merlin as his second son. "Don't worry father, I'll be with him and I won't let him get lost." He said lightly and Uther again smiled at him. "I'll trust you on that then. I'll give you some money to eat out, but I expect you back by dinner time."
Arthur beamed at his father. He had to concentrate on keeping still and when they heard the doorbell ring, Arthur had to tell his father that he would go to wake Merlin up so he wouldn't give away how ridiculously happy he was right now. He rose the stairs two steps at a time and he knocked Merlins door and opened it before Merlin would have any change to actually answer it.
To his surprise Merlin was already dressed, lying on his couch and talking to his cell. "…and terrible manners I tell you. I have to go, have a prat on my doorway right now… Hmm, tell your mother too. Bye." Merlin ended the call and put his cell away before looking at Arthur. "What can I do for you this early in the morning?" He asked sarcastically, but Arthur was just happy to see Merlin like he normally was and not like he had been in the beginning of the summer, passive and bored and moody. He grinned "Come on, my car is here and we are going out! Take your purse and whatever, we'll eat out!" Arthur beamed and he jogged to pull Merlin up from the couch not caring at all of the unhappy sound Merlin made when he pulled him up by his arm.
Arthur jogged the way he had come happily and Merlin was left to just look at the now open door. What in the world… Going out and to eat… that sounded awesome. A bit unnerving, but just… Merlin couldn't find words how utterly tempting that sounded. And Uther had given them permission to go? Merlin would believe when he saw that.
It felt almost scary to exit his room with his wallet with him. He felt vulnerable and if it would turn out that he couldn't go after all, Merlin felt like he would give up on even trying to believe that there was anything good in this world. But Arthur had seemed so- just so happy and it made Merlins heart beat with hope. He took a deep breath before stepping outside. Uther was there looking pleased and Arthur was listening to some details of the car. Merlin could tell it was expensive and red. And that was about as much as he cared to know.
He toned down Arthur and the person who had bought the car here and concentrated on Uther. He seemed pleased and even when he turned to look at Merlin, he didn't seem like he normally did. 'He really does love Arthur. In his own way.' Merlin found this thought a bit disturbing. Oh how much he wished that he could just loath everything in Uther, but no. He was Arthurs father and Merlins mother and clearly Arthurs mother had seen something in him that Merlin just couldn't most of the time. But what was important now, was that Merlin couldn't see immediate danger. Arthur had finished talking and was now looking at every part of his new car. Merlin would have smiled if Uther was't there. He didn't even dare to look at Arthur more than a second at a time in fear of Uther noticing him staring like yesterday.
Merlin had called Will a bit too early for him to be awake yet and he had not been disappointed by Wills grumbling how Merlin didn't have any sense of time. They had been talking almost half an hour, Will soon getting excited to be able to talk with his best friend after a while. Merlin hadn't picked up his cell for weeks now. He had been too tired or too ashamed to talk to his friend, but now he couldn't understand why in the world had he done that. Talking with Will had made him feel like himself again and he had given him strength to act normally with Arthur. It felt reassuring and the world had focused a bit around him. He wasn't as excited as Arthur about going out, but he thought that he might be just the moment when they couldn't see the house again.
"Merlin! Lets go! We have a long drive ahead of us!" Arthur yelled at him and Merlin turned to look at him. He glanced at Uther who looked like he had expected this. So they did have a permission to go. "Merlin, I want you to stay close to my son and keep your cell phone with you. Arthur is in charge, remember that." Merlin took in every word Uther said and tried to find hidden meanings or anger in them, but he found none. Maybe Uther really was pleased with him for teaching Arthur? Was this his real reward?
Merlin nodded slowly and when Uther turned to walk back inside, Merlin started to move towards the car. Arthur had opened the front door for him and Merlin stepped in the car stiffly. After he had closed the door and fastened his seatbelt, Arthur started the car and when Merlin saw the familiar scenery roll by, he finally relaxed and smiled like there was no tomorrow.
The ride was a bit quiet because Arthur had to concentrate on driving and Merlin was happy to leave him to it and just enjoy Arthurs smooth driving and the scenery unfamiliar to him. The car started to feel safe and comfortably closed from the world outside the window. Merlin also found that he understood surprisingly well what Arthur was doing and why. Just in theory of course, but still. Arthur teased Merlin of how little he knew about cars and Merlin replied sarcastically at him. Partly because he didn't care about how large engine the car had or what ever and partly because he wanted to cover up his uneasiness. Wasn't cars one of the things every man was supposed to be interested of? Would someone guess he's gay if he didn't like cars? Maybe he should read some basic info at least and pretend to be interested? But the thought felt too tiresome and he couldn't make himself to care right now.
The shopping complex Arthur wanted to go was huge. Merlin had never seen anything like it. It wasn't a mall. It was like ten malls build on top of each others. The ride had taken them almost 45 minutes but some of the time had gone because Arthur had gotten a wrong turn once. Merlin didn't say anything, Arthur didn't look like he would appreciate the teasing. He was really trying hard to drive well and it was quite exciting to drive alone and to a place he had never rode himself before.
When they had parked Arthur glanced at Merlin. He felt proud of himself and he kind of hoped that Merlin would compliment him of his driving and he was a tad disappointed when Merlin just took of his seatbelt and exited the car.
Inside the shopping complex Merlin was blown away. There was a huge round shaped centre one could see six stories up and the ceiling was made of glass so he could see the blue summer sky trough it. They started by just idly going around the first floor and then moved to the second. The sports store was in a different wing and Arthur knew how to go there trough the second floor, but in their way there was a huge bookstore. Merlin didn't know if he could ask Arthur to go inside, but he didn't have to when Arthur beat him to it. "You want to go take a look?" He asked not even really listening if Merlin would answer and walked to the store Merlin following him quickly.
It was something Merlin had been waiting to see in the city, a bookstore big like the school library, just with more colourful books. His dull depressed mood was wiped away and he went from shelve to another while Arthur slowly followed him with a small smile on his lips. This was what he had wanted to see. Merlin could spend here hours and with anyone else, Arthur would have been bored to death in minutes, but while he followed Merlin around, he felt like he was learning something new about Merlin and he found himself interested in which kind of book Merlin would pick and which kind of books he liked. Merlin soon started to happily chat with Arthur of what books he already had, what books he had read and what book someone named Will had. Arthur vaguely remembered Merlin mentioning his childhood friend and neighbour from his home village. It hadn't interested him much before, but now he felt something close to uneasiness or maybe just a hint of jealous of how happy Merlin sounded while talking about him.
In the end Merlin found himself five new books. Two of them he told he had loaned from Will and read a long time ago. The rest he had found from the best seller and fantasy shelf. Arthur told him to reserve them because he wouldn't want to carry them around for the whole day and Merlin did just that.
The sports store was a bit dull for Merlin and Arthur didn't have anything special he needed to buy so he was mostly just strolling around. Merlin wished he had bought at least one of the books so he could occupy himself with reading, but on the other hand he knew he would want to save as much as possible to home. 'Home…' Merlin shuddered at the thought. Did he really have to go back there? Couldn't he just disappear somewhere here and never leave? He sighed again feeling a bit tired. He looked at Arthur who was currently collecting some new shorts to try. He looked so happy and carefree and Merlin couldn't help but feel that he was far away from Arthur. Like he was in a different dimension. Here he stood close to Arthur but it almost felt like if he would try to touch Arthur, his hand would go right trough him. He wished he was just as normal as Arthur was.
When Arthur went to try the shorts on, Merlin walked out of the store. He couldn't act normal anymore and he seriously didn't want to wait Arthur to change and potentially ask his opinion of the new shorts. Merlin was sure he would give himself away in his mental state if he would have to look Arthur up and down and comment on his whatever he wanted to buy.
Next to the sports store was a railing and Merlin leaned on to it and looked down. He could see the floor below and when he looked up, he saw few floors up. He briefly wondered if anyone had ever killed themselves by jumping from the last floor and he thought back to the round centre of the building. He wondered if he could jump himself, but the thought wasn't very serious. Still he saw the possibility and suddenly life felt much more thinner and fragile than he had seen it before. He pushed himself off the railing and went back inside the store. He wouldn't want Arthur to get annoyed at him.
In the store he saw Arthur immediately. He was clearly trying to find Merlin so Merlin quickly sat down on one of the benches next to the doorway. Eventually one annoyed looking Arthur found him and Merlin tried to look like he had been there all the time bored while his heart hammered in his chest. He didn't want to cause trouble for Arthur and Arthur looking him like that made his heart hurt. Being in love truly was not easy.
"The hell you disappeared like that! You could have at least told me you wanted to sit down. I have been looking for you like an idiot!" Arthur complained and Merlin could just lower his gaze to ground. He came up with some sarcastic replies, but he couldn't make himself actually say them. "I'm just a bit hungry thats all…" He tried. He knew that him mentioning food and eating made Arthurs mood better most of the time even if he had no idea why. It didn't fail him this time either and Arthurs expression softened. "I'l just pay these and then we can find something to eat." He said most of his annoyance forgotten and he left Merlin to go to pay some clothes in his hand.
While Arthur was gone Merlin tried to psyche himself to act more cheerful and normal and he found some strength to it by telling himself that they would not go home anytime soon. That he should just concentrate on enjoying his alone time with Arthur. 'But not too much, remember you are just friends… step-brothers…' God this was tiring.
They found a nice looking nepalese restaurant and Merlin actually found himself quite hungry. He hadn't eaten breakfast after all. They ordered different things so they could share and the homy and warm environment together with excellent and different food started to get to Merlin so much that he had to remind himself of not getting ahead of himself more often than act cheerful. His and Arthurs conversation started to roll like it normally did and Merlin loved it. He saw hope in his resolution once more. Right now it just felt that he could actually stay by Arthurs side like this.
"So, we still have a lot of time, what do you want to do? There is almost everything here. If I remember correctly there is even a movie theatre…" Arthur said at one point. Merlin had to pause himself for a moment. Movies with Arthur sounded… too many things at once. He soon labeled the idea too risky even if it sounded tempting and not just because of the date like setting but because he had been in movies like twice in his life. "I don't know… It's your 'birthday', you pick." Merlin left the deciding to Arthur still wishing he would say 'movies'.
Arthur seemed to think. He wanted to do something that would make Merlin happy, he hadn't seen Merlin happy enough. He still seemed somewhat tired and just not entirely present. "I remember you mentioning something about cake and fun for birthday… I have never had that kind of birthday so tell me, what do you do for fun." Arthur genuinely wanted to know and Merlin blushed a little to that. He felt happy that Arthur was interested in him.
"Well, it's not much that we can do here… In summer we would sometimes go to the lake with boats or just to swim and have a picnic on the shore. Once when Ted had a birthday party, his dad drove us all to a ride with his truck and he even let us try the wheel. It was cool. My birthday we usually stayed inside or had a snow fight in the nearby forrest. It's not like we had much anything like this there." He told as his memories played in his head. He must have smiled fondly because Arthur asked him "Do you miss it?"
Merlin snapped his eyes briefly at Arthur and he had to think. He knew that he wouldn't fit in his old home anymore. He had always felt the village a bit too small for him and now he wasn't a child anymore. As much as he would have wanted to be, he just wasn't anymore and the things he had enjoyed back then wouldn't have the same meaning anymore. And even if he had the opportunity to go back, he knew that he would have to hide there too who he was. Just there he would know everyone and hiding would be much more difficult than in here with no change of ever finding anyone like him. But still… did he fit here either? Probably not. Would he ever fit anywhere? He didn't know.
"Come on stop pretending to be interesting, tell me." Arthur kicked Merlin under the table lightly an amused smile playing on his lips. Merlin frowned a bit. Mostly to the topic, but at least Arthur had given him a reason to look displeased. "Not really." He answered shortly. It was true. He mostly missed times that would never come back. "Why? Wasn't it your home?" Arthur asked now interested. Merlin looked sideways and shrugged. "I just don't really fit in anymore." He said sounding only a bit annoyed. "I would like to find a place I do…" He continued with a much quieter tone. He hadn't intended to say that out loud, but somehow he had.
Arthur was serious now. There had been many times when Merlin had listened and helped him with his problems and this was the first time he felt that he was closer of hearing something truly personal.
"Had any luck yet?" He asked and wished Merlin would smile at him and say 'yes'. That he felt as much at home with Arthur as Arthur felt with him. But Merlin just continued to look sideways and said with a bland tone "I'm not sure yet." It hurt to hear that, but Arthur had asked hadn't he? "Eat you food and we'll go get some cake. There should be a bakery downstairs." Arthur changed the subject and hoped that his hurt hadn't transformed into annoyance in his tone. Merlin nodded and continued eating.
Soon they were on their way and they found a bakery with cafe attached and Arthur felt a bit better when he saw Merlins eyes lit at the hand made pastries. They chose far too many things to try and in the end they had to take most of them with them. "Lets eat some tomorrow in the garden, father doesn't have to know about it." Arthur said and winked making Merlin grin and something was again right in Arthurs universe.
Merlin felt better. Somehow getting to say something that troubled him out loud and having Arthur listen to him had bettered his mood and he felt much more in balance and more confident with being around Arthur. The cakes were delicious and the thought of having more of them tomorrow somehow made even returning to the house feel less horrible. Even if every silver lining Merlin had in his life seemed to come with a cloud, the silver linings were still there.
When the time they should leave was getting nearer, they visited the bookstore and bought everything Merlin had reserved. In a way Merlin enjoyed the feeling of being able to use his own money (he hadn't done that many times yet). When they were walking to the car, Merlin had a bag full of books, the sports clothes and a new football Arthur had bought for Merlin on an impulse to carry while Arthur balanced a box with the pastries while trying to find his car key from his pocket.
Merlin wasn't so sure what had actually happened, but they had just put everything on the truck and they were laughing about something or the other when suddenly Arthur wrapped his arms around him. At first Merlin froze. He had no idea what was happening and in worst case scenario he had lost his touch of reality again, but Arthurs embrace felt so warm and so sweet and God Merlin had wanted to feel this for so many times…
He hesitantly bought his arms up to return the hug, careful that he wouldn't slip to anything else than just a friendly hug. His breath was slightly quicker than normally and he knew he was blushing, but fortunately Arthur couldn't see that right now. "Thanks Merlin, I had fun." Arthur mumbled to Merlins neck making him shiver slightly. He was few centimetres taler than Arthur (which irked Arthur to no end) and so when Arthur hugged him, Merlin could feel Arthurs hair against his cheek. It was too much…
Merlin patted Arthurs back hoping to seem normal and Arthur pulled back grinning at him and starting to babble something or another about the things they had done or maybe what ever they had been talking about previously. Merlin had no idea what and he was just happy that Arthur wasn't looking at him right now. He felt at least ten shades redder than he normally was. He could feel warm glow on his skin where Arthur had touched him and he felt this bitter sweet feeling drumming inside of him. It was a miracle that he managed to seem indifferent and normal even if he did edge himself as far from Arthur as possible while still sitting in the front seat.
Arthur was in deep trouble. He knew that now. They had been walking towards his car. His very own car (!), and Merlin had laughed at something Arthur had said and smiled at him brightly and Arthur had felt that this was the best birthday, hell even a day, that he had ever had. Not only how his father had told him how proud he really was about him just yesterday, not only the car and the freedom it would bring to his life, but this carefree day alone with Merlin. When Merlins hands were free, Arthur didn't really think much, he just threw his arms around Merlin and hugged him tightly. Merlin had stiffened at first and Arthur had felt a small bang in his heart, but when Merlin relaxed and hugged him back… Arthur felt that he wanted to just stay like this.
Embracing Merlin, his hands were on Merlins shoulders so he could feel the ends of Merlins hair touch just slightly his hand and he wanted so much to have Merlin on his lap and cares his hair softly. Merlin smelled nice and Arthur had to concentrate on not taking a deep breath and nuzzle to his best friends neck.
Arthur knew that the hug was way too long to be normal so he tried to cover it up with actually thanking Merlin for once. He felt a bit vulnerable saying something like that so straight forwardly but at the same time he felt a bit proud of himself for actually opening his mouth for once.
Soon after Merlin tensed slightly and patted Arthurs back awkwardly and Arthur took it as a sign that he should let go of Merlin right now or preferably half a minute ago, so he did. Merlin looked a bit uneasy and Arthur tried to act like nothing had happened at all. It worked so-so but after driving five minutes blabbering about how easy it was to drive with his new car and silence from Merlins part him sitting practically glued to the side window, Arthur sighed.
"Merlin, I know that you don't like it when people touch you, but it's not like I bit you or something. It was just a hug…" Arthur said even if 'just' didn't come anywhere near what it had felt for him. He was painfully aware that his want to be around Merlin and his pseudo crush on him was actually an actual crush and it was slowly sinking in what that really meant. He knew he would have a lot to think once he was alone. For once he was happy that he was good at pushing matters further in time and concentrate on the task in hand. Normally that just caused him to push some important stuff to think further and further until he found himself so irritated that he for example trashed his room.
Merlin moved a bit uneasily but looked at him apologetically. "I guess you are right. You just never did that before… I was just surprised." He mumbled almost meeting Arthurs eyes. "Haven't I really?" Arthur asked even thought he knew full well that he hadn't. Merlin blushed a bit and shook his head. 'Pretty…' Arthur thought and shook his own head slightly to get it in order. Having a crush really was a frightening thing. No wonder his team mates were all over the place at times.
"I have seen you hug Gwen plenty of times, isn't that the same?" Arthur asked out of curiosity even if he was sure he would regret asking. He didn't want it to be the same. To his surprise Merlin seemed to calm down and he even smiled a little amused smile. "When you turn out to be as pretty as Gwen you can hug me all you want." Merlin teased. Arthur tried to slap him with his hand, but he missed because he had to still keep his gaze on the road. The car lurched a bit from it's way, but not dangerously so. Merlin just laughed at Arthur and Arthur had to smile too. He was clad that Merlin was still acting normal.
When Arthur told Merlin that he knew how Merlin didn't like when people touched him, Merlins first thought was 'so thats how it looks like on the outside…' He was relieved that Arthur had thought his weird response to be because he didn't like physical contact and he started to find himself ridiculously happy of the hug. Now that he had survived it without giving himself away and he stored every detail on his memory while trying to answer Arthurs questions. He felt a small danger when he realised that he had let on that he actually had paid attention on if Arthur had hugged him or not while Arthur hadn't thought anything about it, but Arthur didn't seem to notice anything. When Arthur mentioned Gwen, Merlin had a perfect opportunity to mask his reaction further and tease Arthur while doing it.
Even if normally Merlin would have been happy when getting out of the house and gloomy when it was time to go back, today it was the opposite. The rest of the drive Merlin was in high spirits and he felt that this day had been exactly what he had needed. He could do this. He could go back to his room and he could look forward to things again. He had something to do and he had some good memories he could play to himself once in a while. He was a bit proud of himself how he had not done anything stupid or dirty when Arthur had hugged him and that made him lose some of his shame.
When they had driven to the garage Arthurs car had now a space for, Merlin had patted Arthur on his shoulder a bit and told him that he could handle Arthurs driving the next time too now that he knew that Arthur wouldn't kill them both. This of course translated in Arthurs head 'You drove well' and he had been all smile for the whole dinner and he had told everything about the stores they had visited and about the car and his driving in the dinner table while Merlin kept looking slightly amused. Hunith had complimented him and his father had looked pleased and even proposed that Arthur should go out more often so he could practise in different routes. When Arthur had asked if Merlin could come too, his father had agreed and Hunith had been pleased "He spends too much time at home anyway."
After dinner Merlin had gone to his room to read and Arthur had retired to his room finding a perfect time slot for himself to think. He threw himself to his couch and closed his eyes. Alright, he liked Merlin. In a very inappropriate way. Arthur covered his face with his hands and rubbed his eyes. This was so messed up. Crushes and dating had been as far from Arthurs priority list that it was even hard to see them from where he stood.
When his friends had started to talk about girls this and girls that. Arthur had tried to blend in, but in the end he had just dropped the act. He couldn't be bothered and it annoyed the hell out of him when people asumed that girls were the only thing he ever thought just because he was a boy. That had actually been the point he had started to tease those who were different. It had seemed to amuse his class mates and some friends from his football team and it had been great distraction on the fact that he himself felt different from the rest of them. He had snapped out of his habit because of Merlin. How fitting in a way.
But Merlin wasn't just one of the crushes or physical lust that others shared. Merlin was first and foremost his best friend (who also happened to live in the same house than he did). Merlin challenged him, he made him a better person and he helped him when he needed it. Did Arthur know it himself or not that he even needed help.
That all should have been fine and nice and normal, but there was no way around the fact that he had developed this, this obsession of him. This constant need to be close to Merlin and now it wasn't even next to him. He had felt physical want. Not that he hadn't felt it before today too, wanting to cares someones hair wasn't exactly what he accustomed boys doing with their friends, but now… This was on a whole different level. Arthur turned to his side and hugged his pillow. Closing his eyes he could feel Merlins arms hesitantly hugging him and he could hear his slightly stressed sounding breath in his ears, feeling the slight warm wind of breath on his hair. It had felt so good…
In a way Arthur wondered how much of the sensation had been because of the fact that nobody had really hugged him since he had been a child. He remembered Morgana hugging him good night when she had been barely thirteen and Arthur had been just an eight year old boy. Morganas hugs had been warm and Arthur remembered how her long soft curls had brushed his cheeks and how Arthur had complained to her how they went to his face. Then Morgana had stopped. Not suddenly, but gradually and the last time Arthur could remember her hugging him, was two months before she had moved away, never contacting Arthur again.
She had been in an awful mood then, had been for a long while, many years and Arthur remembered her squeezing him so hard that it had actually hurt more than given him comfort. His father had never been touchy. That much was clear, but Arthur could still remember an occasional hug now and then when he had been a small child. Back then his father had been telling him how much he reminded him of Ygraine. Arthur had loved those moments. For years now Arthur hadn't even thought that he missed this kind of contact and the hug today with Merlin… it had been something entirely different from anything he had experienced before. He knew he wanted more and that this was not a sibling or even friend thing. But something was still bugging him.
However much he had tried to get himself interested in the past, he still couldn't see himself dating anyone. Of course what he exactly wanted to do with Merlin was close to what dating was. He wanted to take him out, spend time alone with him and be close. But he wasn't interested in physical contact further than what he already had experienced. He still couldn't find himself interested in sex or even kissing. It still felt too messy and just not desirable for him. It was funny how Arthur was actually more worried of not wanting to have sex with Merlin (or anyone for that matter) than his crush on the said boy. He felt abnormal and while he knew he should be happy that at least he wasn't lusting like that after his step-brother, he mostly just felt that even this he couldn't do right.
A bizarre thought soon replaced by the sinking feeling realising what this all could made him. A homosexual. That had been one of the many groups of people that his father had never accepted in any level. In a way Arthur was used to that, but he had always been careful not to belong to any of those groups himself. It had been his first priority most of his life. The second being trying to be something his father approved. It wasn't exactly the same thing.
Arthur squeezed the pillow he was still hugging against his chest and let it go with a sigh. He sat up and rubbed his eyes again. It was just so unnerving. What should he do? What could he do?
'Nothing.' Was the answer that popped into his head. Nothing, precisely nothing. That way he wouldn't strain his relationships with Merlin or his father or Hunith or anyone else on that matter. Maybe he would grow out of this? He could go out now more freely and he was growing up. He would meet new people and he would actually get to hang out with those he already knew more. Maybe Merlin was just the only one he could really spend time with and Arthur had confused his affection to his friend to be something he was just starting to want. It hurt a little bit to think it like that, but he tried to tell himself that it would be better if he was just confused compared to that he really would start lusting after Merlin. Merlin, who had been so uneasy just with a simple hug, who mostly tried to keep Arthur at arms length and that had been before Arthur had gotten this obsession on him. Imagine how Merlin would panic if he knew how much Arthur had felt hugging him… Merlin would most probably not want to stay in the same room as Arthur if he ever found out about that.
Arthur sighed again. Yep, doing nothing seemed like the way to go. Merlins friendship was too precious to loose over something like this. He would rather just spend time with him and hopefully he could get Merlin to open up a little bit about himself again. Arthur smiled a little. He wasn't good with that kind of things, Merlin was, but he was clad that even if Merlin had practically told him that he wasn't feeling like home here and that translated in Arthurs head that Arthur wasn't as important to Merlin as Merlin was to him, Arthur felt that he belonged and that he had a home now that Merlin was in his life. Why couldn't he affect Merlin the same way?
Arthur glanced his clock and realised that he had been thinking here almost two hours. And he called Merlin a girl… Arthur stood up and decided to go to see what Merlin was up to. They could plan where to go next and what to do. Arthur had his football practices tomorrow, the first he would drive himself. Maybe Merlin would join him there?
A/N: A refreshingly Uther free chapter, if I may say so. I'm so sick of him. I'm currently writing the last scene he is in and am I enjoying myself? Yes. Very much.
I again got an amazing review from mersan123, Thank you again! I feel like I'm having a very interesting conversation with you with my chapters and your reviews :)
And, the review got me thinking... This story is intended to be told mainly from Merlins and Arthurs point of views, but I have like a ton of side notes for myself of what is happening in Huniths and Gwens and Lancelots minds... Are you interested in that? If so, I could add some parts in Huniths point of view. Of why she has not noticed anything (or what has she noticed), what is she thinking and/or some stuff that is happening between Gwen and Lance. So, if you are interested, write a review or PM me, I would be delighted to hear your opinion and frankly, be very happy to write something that has nothing (or very little) to do with Uther.
Now I'm going to watch an episode of Merlin. Maybe the one with the unicorn...
-L