With his car, Arthur was able to go as he pleased. He wasn't sure how long his fathers 'it's good to practice' -phase would last. Probably until school started in the latest, but Arthur would still take everything he could from the change of not making excuses for himself leaving the house and that included Merlin too.
Arthur had once briefly made a story to his father how Merlin was very useful on reminding him on the theory he had learned and Merlin knew it by heart. Luckily the last part was true, because just when Arthur had finished his explanation to his father, Merlin had walked to the room and Uther had taken the opportunity to ask some random question from Merlin. For once Merlin had seemed sure of himself in Arthurs fathers presence and he had answered to the questions calmly and spot on every time. Well, Merlin did have a good memory.
After that Arthur had only needed to make up some location they would drive (mostly he would just tell the area in the city and his father wouldn't question further). They had visited Gwen and Elyan and once Arthur had asked if Merlin would like to come to some of Arthurs friends birthday party. That one Merlin had refused. He didn't feel confident enough to spend time with Arthurs friends he hardly knew in a cramped space. Arthur had been disappointed and had not dared to ask again if Merlin would like to visit his friends house. There had been just something, the same uneasiness Merlin showed when Arthur came too close. So, mostly they would just go to the city and eat out or go to some cafe or stores.
Merlin loved the city and he felt like he could breath in the masses of different people who didn't know him and while Arthur wouldn't let him out of his sight so 'Merlin wouldn't get lost' Merlin was enjoying himself very much. It seemed a bit weird to him how often Arthur was wiling to just show him around and just spend some time with him, Merlin couldn't think that he himself was that good company, but it made him happy non the less. Sometimes Arthur would brush shoulders with him or pull him to some direction by his arm and even if Merlin had felt a small panic at first, he was now used to it and confident that Arthur wouldn't notice his small blush or how happy Merlin felt after their… Merlin was avoiding the word 'dates' even if he couldn't find much more suitable word for their trips to cafes and attractions.
Four weeks after Arthur had gotten his car, they had visited more cool places that Merlin had in his life combined. He had seen massive old buildings, the biggest bookstore he could have ever imagined and his favourite, aquarium. When Arthur had realised that Merlin had never been in one, he had immediately dragged Merlin there not caring how odd it felt to be just two guys in a dimly lit long underwater corridors while they were surrounded by larger croups of friends and couples and families. He just hoped no-one they knew would pop up from behind some corner.
Merlin had been thrilled and he had obviously missed all what bothered Arthur. Seeing Merlin stare at sharks and colourful fishes this wide eyed smile on his face made Arthurs heart dance and he mostly kept looking at Merlin with an amused expression. He had been in the aquarium at least five times on ever so boring school field trips and even twice with Morgana when they had been little. He couldn't remember if their father had been with them so probably not. But anyway, this was the best experience in there so far. Merlin excitement was contagious and Arthur found himself looking at the underwater creatures with new interest.
In a way Arthur felt that with Merlin, he could face his childhood traumas he hadn't been even aware he had just by spending time with Merlin and replacing his experiences with new. Like he had just dismissed the aquarium as something boring and insignificant, but now he could not only see that he had done that because he didn't want to think of his big sister, he could now remember how fun he had actually had here and found he could still enjoy it. In a whole new way and somehow he felt like he had been too serious. It was just an aquarium. He had liked it when he was a child, he could like it still. Arthurs life was expanding to be outside of his fathers will and his fathers goals and his fathers house. And it was all thanks to Merlin. If this was thanks to his unnatural crush on Merlin, he wouldn't mind at all. So far Merlin was still the best thing that had happened to him in his life.
"How come Gwen couldn't come with us today?" Arthur was snapped out of his pleasant haze of pleasant thoughts by Merlins question. They were driving home and in a relatively straight part of road so Arthur glanced at Merlin who was looking at him just mildly curiously. Arthur kicked himself mentally. Merlin had been spending a lot of time on his phone lately and of course he had talked with Gwen. Arthur had been reluctant of having anyone else with them because he wasted to be alone with Merlin, but now he would have to give that up if he wouldn't want to make that known. "I had no idea where we were going, would't it be rude to drag Gwen just somewhere?" Arthur was not feeling confident enough to actually look at Merlin. God it was useful that he could keep his eyes on the road…
Merlin didn't seem satisfied by his explanation. And for a good reason. "I'm sure she wouldn't have minded. I heard about the aquariums from her and she seemed to want to go too…" Arthur would have squirmed if he didn't have the road and driving to hold his concentration. "Oh, well, lets go with her next time." He just said completely missing how Merlin blushed and tried to conceal his smile when Arthurs words 'next time' sank in. "Or we could visit Gwen this weekend?" Arthur continued wanting to make a point that he hadn't really been wanting to monopolise Merlins time, but he was very aware that he couldn't just suggest that he could just ride Merlin there and not come with him. These were the times Arthur found his crush a bit inconvenient. By 'a bit', he meant a lot.
Merlin brightened at that and seemed to forget his original question. "Could we spend the night? Gwen told me that she wouldn't mind the company. His father has taken some night shifts and Elyan is in God knows where probably making trouble for himself." Arthur rose his eyebrow at that "Your words or Gwens?" He asked making Merlin blush and Arthur laugh at him. "You girls spend too much time on the phone… I'll ask father, he's more likely to give me the permission, you are a horrible liar… no offence." He said. Merlin replied immediately "Non taken." He was clad that Arthur had volunteered, he had no courage to ask himself remembering what had happened the last time. Merlin trusted that Arthur was clever enough to leave out the detail that Gwen was home alone so he didn't say anything about that.
Arthur thought some stories he could tell his father to let them go. He was annoyingly happy that Merlin hadn't even batted an eyelash while saying that could they go to Gwens when she was alone. No matter how his logic told him that Merlin had said many times that he didn't like Gwen like that and no matter how much he saw them interact like friends with no romantical underlines (less than he had with Merlin actually) he still felt this small pull in his heart strings when he thought them alone in Gwens house… He knew he had no right on these kind of feeling, it wasn't like he was dating Merlin or even could really have a normal crush on him not to mention how Merlin would no doubt react if Arthur as much as hinted that he didn't like how Merlin was around a beautiful girl who didn't date anyone. Having a crush really was taxing…
Arthur managed to get them permission to visit Gwen and spend the night. Merlin had no idea how, but after Arthur had told him the news, he had immediately called Gwen who had been over the moon. Merlin had also called Will and told him everything he had seen in the aquariums and even if Will had told him he was acting like a child, Merlin knew his tone. He was jealous as hell for not seeing the sharks Merlin kept describing far more than necessary just to annoy Will. Merlin was in high spirits and he managed to stay that way until he ended his phone call with Will.
When he had put his phone back to his pocket, Merlin let himself slide to the floor from his couch. He was happy. With so many things, but he knew that even if the silver lining was bright and beautiful right now, there was still a cloud and more coming from the horizon. Uther had visited his room about once a week and while he had kept telling Merlin something or other about rewards and about being pleased how Merlin was helping Arthur, he had still been rough and that equaled painful for Merlin.
He managed to be happy, actually happy during the days, but even if he wasn't exactly afraid on most of the nights, his mood dulled when he was left alone in the evenings and he had a habit of falling into numbness until he couldn't stay awake anymore somewhere around midnight which was usually the latest Uther would show his face. Merlin had made a habit of lying on his couch Arthurs driving theory papers on his lap opened at a random page from about ten to twelve before getting his blanket from the bed. When Uther came to his room, he always seemed pleased to see that Merlin was seemingly studying even if it didn't make any sense to Merlin. He already knew this all by heart and how stupid would he have to be or how obsessed if he would really be reading this something like forty pages over and over again for the past almost two months or so if you counted from when he first saw this stack of papers. He really didn't get where Uther was coming from most of the time.
Uther had just been in his room the night before so when he opened Merlins door at eleven, Merlin had been totally unprepared and had actually been reading one of the fantasy books he had bought his visit in the biggest bookstore he had ever seen. Uther frowned when he saw Merlins choice of reading and Merlin regretted of braking his habit. Merlin dropped the book and automatically leaped off from the couch. He really didn't want Uther near it.
"I see you are idling around until late… " Uther commented with a very displeased tone. Merlin felt his comment unjust. It was holidays and what else was there to do than idle around? Was he really expecting Merlin to still be reading the damn theory of driving? It wasn't like even Arthur needed any of it anymore and seriously there was nothing Merlin couldn't remember if asked from it.
"So, tell me boy, what do you want of this Gwen girl? You seem to call her a lot too…" Merlin paled. He had thought his phone bill must have gone up at least 500% and he had been briefly worried about that, but what was there to tell? That he was bored? Or that the only way he could keep pretending himself he was normal was to talk with his friends?
Then something caught Merlins attention, he realised that Uther had only asked about Gwen. When his mother had teased Merlin one day on the dinner table of how much he spends time on the phone nowadays, Merlin had mumbled something about Gwen and how long she could keep talking about trivial things. He hadn't mentioned Will even if he knew that it would have been interesting for his mother to hear how he and his mother were doing. He had been too aware of how Uther was listening to his every word and bringing up any boys name hadn't seemed safe. But what caught Merlins attention right now, was that Uther didn't know about Will. 'Good' Merlin thought finding a brief comfort in that.
While Merlin was unfocused, Uther clearly lost his interest on the answer because he soon closed the distance between them and Merlin felt himself being dragged to his bed. He hated the bed so much… But there was nothing to struggle against. There was nothing he could do. The lack of control and the powerless feeling Merlin had come familiar with swept over him.
Uther pounded in him until he cried and told him not to get carried away with himself. "Spending a night out… I swear if you try anything with that poor girl I'll show her how dirty you really are… I bet she wouldn't want to even look at you after that!" He hissed in Merlins ear.
Merlin whimpered as he felt panic rise in him at the thought of Gwen ever finding out about this. The pictures… he could do nothing to deny them if Uther were to ever show them to Gwen. She would hate him for sure. Merlin sobbed something like that he would behave himself when he suddenly felt something warm on his neck.
It was Uthers tongue and the moment Merlin understood this he shuddered violently. It felt disgusting and Merlin felt like ice had been poured into his spinal cord. And then the sucking started. Merlin yelped when he felt Uther bite his neck and he lost all the remaining power he had got in his limbs. Uther had pulled Merlin to his chest and now all of Merlins weight was suddenly on his arms. Uther grunted and let Merlin fall to the mattress. Merlin just closed his eyes and willed it all to end.
When Uther had ejaculated in him, he left still limp Merlin there. Merlin felt silent tears run on his cheeks. He hated this. He hated it all. Finally this one clear thought penetrated Merlins messed up mind. What ever Uther had told him before, Merlin didn't want this. Not with Uther and he wasn't sure if after all this he would want it with anyone. Not even Arthur.
Merlin closed his eyes and he imagined Arthur hugging him and Merlin felt a spark of warmth inside of him. He closed his eyes and recalled how warm Arthur had been and how much Merlin loved him, but when he tried to imagine giving himself up like this to Arthur, as he had predicted, he felt cold and he shuddered. He couldn't do that, not anymore. He tried to think of his future. In two and a half years he could leave this house and never come back. He would never have to see Uther or Arthur or even his mother. He could just disappear.
But, his heart clenched painfully at the thought of never seeing Arthur again. He wouldn't be able to date Arthur, obviously, but now he felt that maybe he wouldn't be able to date anyone at all. Ever. Uther had made sure of that. Not only could he show the pictures of Merlin to who ever Merlin was dating (if anyone could even get interested in him like that) but Merlin couldn't himself. He had avoided being touched yes, but that had been more of a precaution than anything else but now, it was more how Arthur had described it previously. Merlin didn't like when anyone touched him. Or more likely he couldn't even think of someone touching him in any other than strictly platonic, everyday way. Just a thought of that felt revolting.
Usually Merlin would have showered, but tonight he felt like it was all in vain and the only thing he managed to muse some strength to do, was to roll out of his bed. He pulled his pillow and his blanket with him and he slept between his bed and his desk so if someone would come to the room in the morning, they wouldn't see him immediately.
When the morning came he was cold and stiff, but he still felt better physically than mentally and he found he liked to be uncomfortable. It was easier just to surrender to misery than to fight against his dark mood.
When Merlin climbed up from the floor it was barely five o'clock, but he had survived with less sleep and it wasn't like he had anything to do that would really need much attention. It still didn't take him two steps to realise that getting to sleep without showering had been a bad idea. His crotch was sticky and itchy and walking hurt his cold and sore muscles. But when he had crawled out of the shower, the real horror struck him. He hadn't even planned to look at the mirror, but when he walked past it, he saw something from the corner of his eye. Merlin spun around to look at the mirror and he tried to see the back of his neck desperately.
In the end he had to try and find something else that had a reflective surface. He didn't have any other mirrors, but finally he remembered how his phone had a camera and while it made him nervous to even open the camera while he had no clothes on, just a towel, like the phone could see the state he was in, he managed to concentrate on his task.
He had a hickey. And not the smallest one either. Finally he shallowed his fear and took a picture of it just to see it more clearly. From the picture he could see even Uthers teeth marks. Merlin shuddered and deleted the photo immediately. He had to concentrate on not just throwing the phone on the wall and his hand slapped his neck the moment the phone was safely on the table next to his sink. Knowing the red mark was there made Merlin feel like his skin was glowing and too hot and he wanted to get rid of it. He scratched. He scratched the tender piece of skin until it hurt and he kept going on like he wanted to get rid of his skin altogether.
Finally his neck and his fingers hurt from scratching and he found himself from the floor. Merlin had no idea when he had sat down, but when he touched his neck once more, it stung just from a light touch and felt raw and somehow moist in a sticky way. Merlin took a piece of toilet paper and pressed it on his neck. It stuck to his neck partially but the part he got off without ripping it, he saw some yellow liquid and just tinniest droplets of blood. This didn't seem enough so Merlin scratched his neck few times regardless of the sharp pain taking some time in between to adjust to the pain. It seemed to go down some nerves because he could feel a needle like sting in his lover back and head when he touched one precise spot.
He only stopped playing with his wound when he realised that it could scar and he really didn't want to explain that to his mother. He looked at his tight. The ten centimetres scar was enough. Merlins mother had actually asked few times if Merlin had wanted to go to swim with her during the summer and while Merlin really liked swimming, even if he could have made himself believe that he would survive the changing room and being in front of other people only in his trunks, there was no way he could explain his scar to his mother. Technically it was so high that his trunks covered it (Merlin had tried) but there was no way of guaranteeing that it would stay hidden if he actually swam or bend his knees. He had told his mother that he was not a child anymore and he rather not go to some noisy pool. His mother had seemed hurt and they had fought the last time his mother had asked. Merlin hated it, but at least that had been the end of her asking.
Merlin took his phone out reluctantly and took another picture, closing his eyes automatically to the sound of shutter. He looked at the picture and he immediately saw that he had gone too far. The scratches didn't limit on the area of the now non existent hickey, but there were long angry red markings up to his scalp and down to his shoulder plates. Had he really done that much? Apparently yes.
Merlin wasn't sure how long he had been sitting there so he glanced at his door nervously before ducking out from his bathroom and into his closet. After the door was closed, he felt safe again. It was dark and narrow and it helped him to concentrate. He picked up clothes that hid as much skin as possible and used every colour he could. He chose red shirt with green pants and blue neckerchief just to hide how nervous he really was. It turned out to be almost half past six when he was finally ready.
After checking his neck from the mirror, he fell to his couch to get some much needed sleep. It was cold without a blanket so he didn't sleep very well and after he finally rose up, he knew his mother would scold him for sleeping so late. Actually he rose up just because he knew that his mother would come to drag him out of his bed any minute now so he wanted to beat her to it.
As expected, his mother gave him a lecture of sleeping till too late "The school starting is just around the corner, you have to start getting to bed earlier." Little did she know what 'getting to bed' meant for Merlin. As they were talking with the same words with different meanings and Merlin was unable to explain what he meant, of course it became fight soon after.
Merlin saw Arthur coming in from the garden, football under his arm from the corner of his eye looking confused and surprised on Merlins actions. Merlin didn't stop snarling at his mother even if he felt embarrassed Arthur witnessing this. "It's my business when I go to sleep! I did well last year too, I'm not a child anymore!" His mother tried to reason with him and Merlin hated it. He didn't want to be like this! He hated every second of it! Why couldn't everyone just leave him be? Alone in some dark corner and forget he existed.
In the end his mother threatened him that he was not going to visit anyone if she couldn't trust him behaving even in their own home. The word 'home' rubbed Merlin the wrong way and he snapped "Well I don't care!" This was the point where Arthur leaped in between them. "Hunith, I'm sure Merlin doesn't mean that… He just probably didn't sleep well… " He tried to calm Hunith down and Merlin didn't dare to yell at Arthurs back.
When Arthur saw Hunith calm down a little he turned to Merlin with serious expression causing Merlin to turn his gaze to his right, as far from Arthurs eyes as possible. "Merlin, you calm down. I don't want to call Gwen that we are not coming to help her out with his father sick and all…" Merlin snapped his eyes back to Arthurs. Arthurs eyes were stern and his gaze told Merlin that if he was going to drown the drain Arthurs hard work, he would have to face one very pissed off Arthur.
Merlin turned his gaze down and he mumbled something Arthur couldn't hear, but he saw Merlins expression and he slowly stepped sideways so he wasn't standing in between Merlin and his mother anymore. "Sorry… I just- I guess I have been a bit bored being here all the time… I have been reading my new books till too late. I'll stop that." Merlin said with a soft tone to his mothers chin. Hunith looked worried, but finally she smiled a little sad smile.
"I know dear that you have been howled up in here far too much and I wish I could drive you to places, but you have to see some effort yourself too. I have tried to ask you to go to swim with me and every time you say no. I know that you are on that age that I'm starting to be too old to be good company…" She said in a stern but sad voice and Merlin automatically cut in "No! I mean… you are not too old it's just the swimming…." He stopped in the middle not sure how to continue and his mother again looked worried "But you used to love swimming!" Merlin saw Arthur look at him from the corner of his eye and he looked interested of the information or maybe of Merlins reaction.
Merlin closed his eyes. He didn't want to do this… "You know it's not the same in inside pool with tiled floor and chloride." He said and his mother looked taken aback and she glanced at Arthur, but seemed to understand. "I see… I should have guessed. Why don't we think of something else to do together then? Before the school and all the fuss starts?" She looked at Merlin hopeful and Merlin nodded slowly. He could do that. He would have to.
Arthur looked pleased at them and patted their shoulders cheerfully making Merlin jump a little. "Now that this is settled, why don't we all go to get some snack, or in Merlins case here, breakfast. I'm starving!" Merlin looked pointedly at Arthurs hand that was still filmy on his shoulder and Arthur moved his hands like Merlins shoulder was suddenly burning him. Merlin ignored the cold feeling on his shoulder now that Arthurs hand wasn't there anymore and nodded again.
They spend good half an hour on the table Hunith drinking tea and Arthur eating more than Merlin was. Arthur stayed cheerful and Merlin understood why. He hadn't seen Uther yet and that man was usually there in a flash if Merlin as much as talked with an inappropriate tone much less yelled in the middle of the house. Him not showing his face meant that he was out and Arthur wanted to hide any tension left between them before his father got home. Even if Hunith had forgotten her previous threat, Merlin was sure that Uther wouldn't hesitate on repeating and delivering it if he heard about this. It gradually dawned to Merlin how lucky he had been. He started to see how Uther had been in his room yesterday precisely because Merlin was going to spend his night out of the house and even if it was expected that Uther would come once again when he returned, it would be all the same if he had seen Merlin fight with his mother. 'Wouldn't be the first time' Merlin thought bitterly and unconsciously kept his neck bended slightly backwards so his scratches wouldn't show. He wished Uther wouldn't notice them.
Uther came back home just before dinner and Merlin held his breath until Uther rose up from his seat telling them that he had to leave for work once more after he took something or the other from his office. 'So that's why he came yesterday already and not today.' Merlin thought but was pleased to see him go even if he had to survive seeing Uther give his mother a kiss. Luckily Arthur who was looking at him when he shuddered, made a face behind his fathers back indicating that he felt the same. The same being disturbed by seeing their parents kiss even if it was for entirely different reasons.
That night Merlin talked with his mother calmly with a smile on his face longer than he could remember for the whole summer and they made plans to go to the aquarium again. Arthur promised to drive them even if he half heartedly complained how they had just been there. Hunith was thrilled, he had been in an aquarium over twenty years ago when her parents had still been alive and suddenly she and Arthur had something in common in a sentimental level and the conversation flowed.
That night Merlin slept better than he could even remember and when the morning came he was fully rested and excited to see Gwen and chat with her preferably until he couldn't form sentences without falling asleep. He partly wished that Elyan would take Arthur somewhere so he could spend some time alone with Gwen, but on the other hand no. He would have loved to spend time with Arthur, but it was very taxing and unnerving, so he was glad that he didn't have to make the decision. He would just wait and see.
In the morning, now that he had energy and Uther wasn't present, Merlin found that he would have wanted to do everything and with everyone all at the same time. Arthur had to practically force him to leave his mother in the garden when it was time to leave and when they were in the car, Merlin felt that he wouldn't want to leave this comfortable seating where he could talk with just Arthur ever. Still as soon as he saw Gwens smiling if not a little bit sarcastic face, (they were almost half an hour late after all) he felt that he wasn't here a minute too soon and he actually hugged Gwen briefly smiling like a sun.
"A high time you two arrive. I have some pie for us and it's best when it's still warm." She said smiling herself looking pleased to see Merlin act like he was. She was so focused on Merlin that she didn't even notice Arthurs sour face right behind Merlin and when they had taken their shoes off, it was already gone.
The pie was excellent and Gwen had ice-cream to serve with it. While they ate, mostly Merlin and Gwen talked about some things that Arthur didn't fully understand because of the lack of context or just because Merlin seemed to comment on stuff that wasn't even said out loud. He would have been getting bored if it had been anyone else than Merlin. Elyan was nowhere to be seen.
"I told him you are coming so hopefully he will show his face at some point…" Gwen told Arthur when he asked abut his friend. It was apparent to Merlin that Gwen was worried of his brother, but not nearly as much as she had been in the past, so he didn't comment. Arthur was interested in what Elyan was up to but Gwen just brushed it off by "Probably something stupid. You ask him, maybe he will talk to you." Merlin who was sitting next to Gwen patted her shoulder. "You would know if he was in trouble. Trust him, I'm sure he wouldn't want to make you worried." Gwen smiled at him a little shyly and Merlin smiled at her. Arthur just looked at them with wonder in his expressions.
"I hope I don't interrupt you girls too much with my presence… " He mumbled and Gwen quickly tried to explain their behaviour. "Oh, Arthur, I'm sorry… It's just that we have been talking on the phone so much lately and we have been talking so much about you that I kind of forgot that you don't know what we are talking about… I mean nothing bad of course, but just you know…" Arthur rose his eyebrows at that and Merlin wanted to face palm. Awesome.
"You talk about me a lot?" Arthur sounded surprised and … pleased? Merlin groaned. This wasn't something he wanted to discuss. "What else is happening in my summer than helping you pass tests or trying not to laugh at you getting fat?" He asked sarcastically concentrating only on his annoyance of how Arthur would develop even bigger head if Merlin made him sound anything like flattering. Gwen sniggered at them and Arthur didn't appreciate of being teased. "I'm not fat!" He said automatically to the first thing that bothered him in Merlins statement. After that had been said, he also got annoyed of Merlins tone, face, the fact that Merlin had been telling Gwen stuff he had thought obvious was not for sharing…!
Arthur didn't expect Merlin to continue, but he was out of such luck. "Oh I saw you throw away that belt and you know it." Merlins tone was smug and Arthur took the first object that his hand found. It happened to be his spoon. Arthur pointed Merlins face with the spoon looking straight into his eyes and said in a low, murderous voice "I also remember telling you that it needed no further mentioning." Merlin was looking at the spoon with cross eyes not paying much attention to Arthurs tone. "Are you threatening me with a spoon?" He asked doubtfully and Arthur heard Gwens sorry attempt not to burst into laughter. "I would if I didn't hesitate on making Gwens home a site of homicide." Merlin moved just a bit further from Arthur just in case. This of course happened to be closer to Gwen and that didn't exactly help Arthurs mood. He glared at Merlin, but he knew he was ready to drop it soon. He wasn't really that angry at Merlin. He was more pleased of Merlins attention and in reality he wasn't capable of being annoyed with Merlin like he had been when he had first moved to live with Arthur and his father.
But then Gwen opened her mouth. "Oh it's not like that's the only thing he has told me, is it true that you stressed so much about your routine that you sneaked out in the middle of the night and accidentally set off your alarm?" Gwen smiled amusedly at him looking like she could start laughing her ass off at any given reason.
Arthurs murderous look deepened and Merlin had only a second to look sheepish before he had to dodge the spoon Arthur had thrown at his head. Luckily he managed to do that, Arthur hadn't thrown it very lightly. "Good thing that you don't have anything of actual importance to keep secret!" Arthur growled at Merlin now more angry than annoyed. He had specifically told Merlin not to speak about that so his father wouldn't find out! Of course Merlin had been extremely helpful when he had come to open the door for him when it had locked automatically after the alarm went off, but this and that were two separate things!
Merlin looked at Arthur unimpressed. His accusation was rubbing Merlin the wrong way and he felt his ugly side developed this year rise its head. Gwen glanced at Merlin her previous humour gone. She thought she knew why Merlin was not happy with this miss placed accusation. He was good at keeping secrets. Gwen should know, Merlin hadn't said anything to anyone about her crush on Lance after all.
But still Gwen wasn't expecting Merlin to say anything and not at least with the calm but cold tone he was using. "Oh, I'm full of secrets, you just don't pay enough attention." Merlin knew he was playing a dangerous game where he could blurt out something he really didn't want to, but his emotions were getting the better of him. Arthur didn't seem to catch just how ready to explode Merlin was and he said with an almost whiny tone. "Merlin, you wouldn't bee able keep a secret if your life depended on it!" Merlin felt his irritation grow, but he still was in control "Oh, I'm quite sure I can." he said with a humourless half smile.
Gwen on the other hand realised the mood. She regretted opening her big mouth and she tried her best to pacify the situation, but failed horribly "Lets calm down, shall we? I believe that Merlin can keep secrets." She tried to take Merlins side just enough to make him calm down. He seemed far more angry than Arthur right now even if his tone was smooth.
Arthur looked at her with sceptic look and Merlin frowned at his expression. Gwen tried to think quickly of something to reassure Arthur so she said "He hasn't told my secrets to you has he?" Wrong move. Now Arthur started to look sour. "So you are telling everything to Gwen, but nothing to me?" he directed his words to Merlin and the tension could have been cut with a knife. Gwen immediately regretted that too and she mentally kicked herself for being so stupid… She had caused this and she hadn't seen Merlin and Arthur like this in ages. Like they were really cross with each others.
"Arthur… Merlin, this is not like you. I- I made Merlin promise not to tell you so, Arthur, would you just let it go?" Arthur finally let his eyes avert from Merlins and he looked at clearly distressed Gwen. She was right. He should calm down. He hadn't been like this for a long time now and he didn't like this side of himself very much. When his anger lessened, he realised how much of his emotions were actually those of jealous. He had let this all get to him because he was jealous for Merlin being closer to Gwen than him. He felt ashamed of himself and he glanced at Merlin who still looked cold as ice making Arthur almost flinch physically.
"Ever heard of the word sorry?" Merlin wasn't willing to let this go and he could see that Arthur was. It still irritated Arthur who didn't think twice before replying "No, is that another word you made up?" Gwen was starting to panic. "Ok, ok! Arthur, I'll tell you my secret so please… "
Finally Merlin snapped out of his dark cloud of self pity and irritation. He looked at Gwen and he regretted making her say that. He knew he had put Gwen into that position and for what? For stretching a point of a subject he really didn't want to talk about. And even if he for some mystical reason had wanted, he couldn't. He looked at Gwen apology clear in his eyes, but Gwen relaxed and just waved her hand with a dismissing way. "It's alright. I trust Arthur and he's right, it doesn't seem fair that he is left out like this." The tension lessened immediately even thought now Gwen was hesitating a bit and Merlins feelings were a mess.
Gwen cleared her throat deciding against asking Arthur to promise her first he wouldn't tell anyone. She had just told him she trusted him so she could wait until she had actually told him something. "I have a crush on your coach." She stated with a clear voice. Arthur blinked and his mouth fell slightly open. "Um, on Lance?" He managed to say and Gwen nodded blushing. Arthur glanced at Merlin who looked calm and the last of the doubts that Merlin might have a crush on Gwen were thrown out of the window. He wasn't very good at reading the atmosphere or telling if someone was interested in someone or anything like that, but that was not a face of someone who was friend-zoned against their will. That finally managed to take the sharpest edge of his jealous away and Arthur could make himself entirely focused on Gwen. "It's nothing really… I just like talking to him a bit thats all…" Gwen continued wanting to fill the silence that had fallen to the table.
Merlin sighed and rolled his eyes. He was still grumpy, but calming down. "Really Gwen? After all you have make me listen, you are letting Arthur get away with a 'I just like talking to him'?" He asked drily. Gwen blushed even more and Arthur couldn't help but grin. Something in the way Gwen and Merlin interacted was just lovely. And now that his jealously had been lifted, he felt fortunate to be here and witness it.
"Yeah… well, I'm sure Arthur wouldn't be as patient as you have been if I started babbling like an idiot to him too… " Gwen replied to Merlin sounding relieved and gentle. "You will not tell anyone, right?" Gwen turned to look at Arthur shyly and Arthur smiled at her warmly. "Of course not. It's your business and I don't see anything wrong here." He said nonchalantly. Merlin looked at him turning only his eyes. Gwen was clearly thankful and she smiled at Arthur happily. To Merlin there was something more than just keeping Gwens secret though. It was the 'there is nothing wrong'. Merlin knew it wasn't just Gwen… it was also Lance. 'Arthur trusts Lance' Merlin realised. He was not worried, he was not faced by their age difference and he wasn't going on circles of what could go wrong. That was… nice. Merlin wished he could trust Arthur on this, but even if he couldn't fully, he still felt a bit relived actually.
"And if Merlin here can keep that as a secret, I sure as hell can too." Arthur smirked and slapped Merlins shoulder with more force than necessary and left his hand on Merlins shoulder. Merlin looked at the hand sceptically. The hold on his shoulder was too strong to his liking and he really didn't feel comfortable even if Arthurs hand felt warm. Or maybe because it felt warm and Gwen was looking at Merlin and Arthur with curious eyes. (or so Merlin felt) "I'm sure we talked about this, turn pretty and you can be as close as you want. Meanwhile, have you considered moving to sit further away from me?" Merlin asked and swatted Arthurs hand off of his shoulder in a manner like dusting his shoulder. Arthur looked a bit put off and his smile faltered a little. Merlin ignored him and the fact that if Arthur would turn prettier, Merlin would have trouble even staying in the same room with him without blushing.
"Oh yeah, Merlin also told me you hugged him, how uncommon of you Arthur." Gwen blurted out before remembering how bad of an idea that had been just minutes ago. But Arthur was just surprised and he looked at Gwen like she had sprouted another head. "How come everybody seems to remember my hugging habits?" Gwen let out breath she had been holding and looked a bit amused. "Oh, don't look so surprised! You are captain of the football team, rich, smart and handsome. Half of the school population knows who you are dating, or in your case, are not dating and what are your habits… " Gwen stated and Arthur rose his eyebrows as high as he could and Gwen blushed "It's not me who is saying that, obviously. I have just heard that… Oh for Gods sake Merlin stop that!" She stopped he rambling to snap at Merlin who was rolling his eyes at her from behind Arthurs back. He was still a bit cranky.
"People say that about me?" Arthur had to make sure and Gwen again concentrated on him and Merlin mumbled something about the size of Arthurs head. "Yes, of course, they even tell it to you sometimes, but you never seem to notice. Like when Ellie asked if you wanted to 'help her to study' or when Jaqueline tried to ask you if that rumour about you in the old library wing was true…"
Arthur shook his head in disbelieve and he was more confused than ever. "Wha- wait what?! Who is Ellie and we have an old library wing?" He tried to make some sense to this. He heard Merlin snigger next to him. This was not going to be fun for Arthur, that was for sure. "In the spring there was a rumour that you had been seen snogging someone in the old library wing." Gwen explained patiently. "And Ellie, Eleanor, is in our class. Has been for two years." Merlin couldn't take it anymore and he dropped his face to the table and started to laugh. Arthur wished he still had his spoon.
"Why would I want to snog anyone in the library? And if you mean Eleanor, say Eleanor. And I told her that if she wanted someone to help her, she should ask Merlin. He makes half of my notes anyway…" Gwen flashed him a 'are you kidding me' look. "She didn't want to study, obviously, she wanted to be the next one you snog in the library!" Arthur shuddered at the image "I have not snogged- anyway, I definitely wouldn't snog with Eleanor!" "Why not? She pretty isn't she?" Gwen shot back. "Indeed, but she is also obnoxious and boring." Arthur replied with a patient tone that left no room for argument.
Now it was Gwens turn to look surprised. "Arthur, I never knew there were men like you in this world. So you are saying that you would rather snog with someone with nice personality than someone pretty?" Arthur felt his face heat and he fought the urge to glance at Merlin. He didn't know, honestly and he wasn't comfortable or sure about himself on the matter so he found it extremely embarrassing. "I have no time either way. And enough of the girl talk already." He said with annoyed tone.
Merlin sniggered and Arthur still refused to look at him. "So I suppose you don't care then with who you were rumoured to snog with?" He asked and Arthur had to finally turn to look at his ridiculous grin. Gwen laughed and Arthur just felt his embarrassment grow. "You know, don't you?" Arthur asked without really wanting to and Merlin winked at him, winked! "I'm not able to keep secrets remember?" his whole previous irritation forgotten and reasons behind it buried by now. Arthur already opened his mouth to ask, but then the word 'library' pulled something from his memory. He remembered Merlin and him playing football in the garden last spring and he had said something or other about Merlins lack of skill and Merlin had shot back something that hadn't made any sense back then. 'How about your skills with the librarian?'
Arthurs words stuck to his throat and he could only watch Merlin laugh at his face and Gwen giggling into her hands. 'Found anything interesting from the library? Oh, you tell me!' Another exchange of words with Merlin that slowly started to make more sense from last spring and Arthur felt himself get paler. "Don't tell me the librarian…?" He said with a dry mouth and Merlin had to clench his stomach and even Gwen got hysterical at this point. Arthur failed to see the humour. How was he ever supposed to go to the library now? And what was wrong with people?! The librarian was like- like 40! Arthur rarely visited the library anyway (it closed the same time his practises ended) so where had this even started? He really didn't want to know what Merlin or Gwen thought about him if this was funny for them or in fact what the people in school though about him and there was only one week left of holidays… But he had to ask "Isn't she like thousand years old? Why me…?"
To his surprise, Merlin stopped laughing and looked at him puzzled. "Not her… the young blond trainee who was in our school for the whole last year… " Gwen snorted and Arthur felt so confused that he actually forgot to feel ashamed for a moment. Merlin would have commented on how he didn't want to know anything about Arthurs preferences if the middle aged librarian was the first one he thought, but Arthurs face was so confused that he instead went with "Tell me you have at least visited the library last year?" with a long suffering voice. Arthur saw a get away of the current topic and he took it. "You are practically a moving library living in the same house I live, so why fetch the stick if you have a dog?" He asked with straight face. Merlins face didn't even change, but Arthur felt a need to clarify "No offence, Merlin". "Non taken." Merlin said with surprisingly calm voice and Arthur breathed lighter.
Gwen looked a bit disapproving, but didn't comment when Merlin didn't seem offended. She settled just saying "So, next time someone asks me if the rumours were true, I can just tell them that Arthur doesn't even know that there is an old wing in the library because he uses Merlin to make his notes." Arthur wrinkled his nose and Merlin grinned. "He doesn't write my notes, I just read his! And besides he practically force feeds them to me as a breakfast! You should have seen him before my drivers test, I couldn't even go to a bloody bathroom without demonstrating how to properly leave a traffic circle!" Arthur spoke a bit louder and faster than necessary.
After that they moved to much easier topics like the next school year and what they wanted to do in the future (Gwen wanted to do something that mattered, maybe research or some kind of international association like Amnesty or something along the line, Arthur said hesitantly that he at least could work with his father and Merlin had no idea. He actually hadn't thought of his life after he turned 18. It was like it didn't really exist and at that time he would have so many other decisions to make that career felt like a small insignificant thing to him.)
Later Gwen made them help her make some pizza to eat and while the dough was rising, they walked to a nearby supermarket and bought everything they wanted to put on top of the pizza and rented a movie to watch. They had generally good time, but at some point, Merlins social energy became to dry rapidly. He blamed it partly to the semi fight he and Arthur had gotten themselves into and the theme of the conversation surrounding it. He was kind of keen to hear more about Arthurs tastes, but it did no good to him. Hearing that he thought a girl in their class was pretty felt like bang in Merlins heart and hearing he didn't like them or hadn't even noticed the 'library beauty' that had been a talk of the month when she had first started among boys just made false hopes visit in Merlins mind before he banished them and that hurt too. Luckily the movie was interesting so he didn't have to pretend to be anything. He could just stare blankly at the screen. He missed half of the movie, but he hoped that just agreeing to Gwens and Arthurs comments hid that.
It was already late when Elyan crawled home and he didn't stay for long. He mostly just took some of the pizza they had made, changed his clothes and was off again promising Gwen that he would take some food for their dad too. "I'll drive him home. We'll be back around midnight." He seemed exhausted and even Gwen didn't have heart to nag at him.
After Elyan had gone again, she told that Elyan had gone to help at their dad sometimes and that Elyan had to drive him some nights because he had worked so late that there was no transportation anymore. "Dad could just take Elyans car, but Elyan has insisted that he needs it more and that he rather drive him than give the car. So far he has kept his promise." Merlin knew that there was something, and that Gwen also knew, going on. She looked at Merlin pleadingly "Could you ask him what's going on?" Merlin chewed his lip. "Are you sure? Arthur knows him way better…" Gwen just shook her head sadly. "Yes, but he talks to you, for some reason…" Merlin promised to ask, but he didn't guarantee that he would get an answer. That was enough for Gwen.
They decided to sleep all in Gwens room now that Elyan wasn't home. They moved the mattresses to Gwens room and now that Elyan wasn't in the mix, the door could open without trouble. Arthur went to change into Elyans room, but Merlin felt it too mentally straining to even think of changing with Arthur so he just walked to the bathroom he had changed last time and locked the door without even saying anything.
In the bathroom he felt like he could breath. He changed as slowly as he could while thinking that he really should get the hang of his moods. He had been irritated for many things lately and it was uncalled for. His life was good in so many aspects and he should appreciate those more. He couldn't take his friends or Arthur or his mother for granted. He didn't really deserve any of it. He had nothing to get mad about and especially not to them. He had even demanded Arthur an apology without giving one himself.
After he had changed, Merlin still took time to just slowly breath in and out twice. Alright, he could face them again. And it was still night. Merlin dreaded tomorrow, because tomorrow he would have to go back to that house, but for now, he could still enjoy today. Arthur was already sitting on the mattress closer to the wall leaving the mattress in between Arthurs mattress and Gwens bed free. Like the last time they sleep over. It was nice. Merlin just feared a bit that the same thing that had happened last time would repeat itself. He settled himself under his blanket and turned the sides of the blanket under his legs so he wouldn't steal Arthur blanket again. He would do the same with his upper body later.
"What's that in your neck?" Gwen asked making Merlin snap his head up. He had bend it down while adjusting his blanket. "Nothing." Merlin mumbled, but he was not very convincing. Arthur also leaned in to see better and Merlin automatically leaned away from him even if he knew that he would do better if he started to come up with an excuse rather than hide the scratch.
"It's just a scratch… " He started when also Gwen leaned towards him making Merlin feel claustrophobic. He wished he had checked how it looked in the bathroom. He wished it didn't look like a hickey… "It looks bad… what happened?" Gwen said sounding like it was some sort of a big deal. Arthur nodded and Merlin looked back and forth in between them. They looked so serious… Merlin was suddenly so happy that neither of them had seen the wound he had cut on his tight. "I um, have a dry skin sometimes… it's like a um, bad habit." He lied and held his breath. "You shouldn't do that. I have some lotion, put some on before you scar yourself." Gwen rose from her bed and rumbled trough her desk drawer. Merlin was very close on commenting how scars were the least of his concerns, but he held his tongue. He tried to look Arthur to get some support to this supposedly girly obsession of smooth skin, but Arthur looked like he agreed with Gwen. Merlin had to look away.
When Arthur had entered Elyans room, he had expected Merlin to follow him, but when he had turned around to say something to Merlin, he had just seen the bathroom door close and he was alone. It was kind of a relieve really, but he was just the tinniest bit annoyed that Merlin was being so guarded of his personal space. It was nothing unusual of course and in the past Arthur had hardly noticed it, but now… it felt like Merlin didn't trust him at all. Had it been the hug? Had he really made a mistake there and now Merlin would never get closer than arms length of Arthur?
He sighed and changed as fast as he could. It was just … painful. For the lack of better word. He wanted to be closer to Merlin. Not just physically, but mentally and even if it was new to Arthur, in Merlins case the two of them didn't seem much of a different thing. He shook his head briefly when he waited in front of Gwens door for her to change and open the door. He had to concentrate again.
Gwen looked a bit surprised too when Arthur told her that Merlin went to change in the bathroom. "Is that normal?" She asked a bit curious and Arthur had to answer yes. "He does that in gym too. I'm quite sure that I haven't seen even his wrists more than twice." he managed to sound like he didn't even care and Gwen settled to that. They made some small talk and Arthur had to admit that Gwen looked nice in her cream coloured pyjama with small flower print in it. He briefly wondered how Gwens father was so trusting towards the two of them that he dared to leave Gwen alone with them for the night, but he was thankful of it nor the less. It wasn't like he or Merlin were any kind of threat and it was so much more fun to have the house for themselves.
When Merlin finally came back from the bathroom, he seemed a bit quiet and he concentrated more on his blanket than to their conversation. Arthur let him be, but when Gwen pointed out the red markings on Merlins neck, Arthur felt a small hurt again. He didn't like what he saw. Merlins neck had a red area with some small crust here and there. It started from the nape on his neck and it continued to under Merlins collar. Arthur wanted to touch it and when Gwen mentioned the lotion, Arthur wanted to put some on Merlin and stroke his neck gently and make the bruise go away.
"Really, it's ok. It's not so dry right now…" Merlin didn't seem too keen on using the lotion, but Gwen was having none of it and she popped the cap open. Arthur was sure he saw Merlin flinch away from the tube even if it seemed a bit like over reacting to Arthur. It was just some lotion… "I- it's not easy to reach it, so I have just kind of missed the spot…" Merlin tried when Gwen told him that he should do something now and it would prevent the itch later.
"I can put it on." Arthur offered. There was something that flashed in Merlins eyes then. It wasn't pleasant and it made Arthur feel hurt again. Was he really that unreliable to Merlin? Did he know how he had a crush on him, but just didn't say anything in order of not to hurt Arthurs feelings? That would explain how much Merlin dreaded his touch… But how could he know? It wasn't like Arthur had been aware of his crush for long himself and Merlin had been spending time with him even after that a lot so…
"Alright, alright, give me that." Merlin had finally cracked to Gwens reasoning (nagging) and he took some lotion to his hand and scrubbed it haphazardly to his neck. "Happy?" He asked sounding a bit annoyed. Arthur looked at the uneven result with white stripes of lotion here and there. He sighed. "No. Is there anything you are actually capable of doing?" He asked and Merlin looked at him blankly. "Putting up with you…" He said making Gwen snigger.
Arthur just sighed again and took a hold of Merlins shoulders and turned him around so his back was facing Arthur. Merlin made a sound of protest, but Arthur just silenced him by saying "Shut up Merlin." And he started to scrub the lotion with one hand and holding Merlins shoulder keeping him still with another. Eventually Merlins shoulders relaxed and he dropped his gaze making it easier for Arthur to scrub the lotion. The lotion was very oily and it took a while to get it absorbed. Arthur didn't mind. Merlins skin was indeed a bit dry and the scratch was quite bad. Arthur wondered how much it should itch if one did this to themselves. The crust suggested there had been at least a bit blood, it should have hurt.
Merlin felt upset when Arthur turned him around. His private space had been violated so many times that he couldn't even count, but still it felt as bad every time. Gradually he was able to relax with the surroundings and how different Arthurs touch was compared to Uthers. Just the way Arthurs hands felt softer and gentler not to forget that the touch wasn't sexual at all. It felt nice actually, after Merlin had relaxed, but with every minute of Gwen talking with soft voice of how Merlin should start using lotion regularly and with every soft circle Arthur made with his fingers, Merlin felt more and more tired.
When Arthurs hands disappeared, Merlins skin felt cold and he didn't want to rise his head. He just wanted to go to sleep. While Merlin would have wanted to stay awake as late as possible, he hardly participated in the conversation and soon they decided to go to sleep. It wasn't even eleven, but Merlin felt so tired, just so tired when he closed his eyes after collecting the blanket under his sides and placing himself as far from Arthur as possible and turning his back to him. Sleep took him soon after that.
The morning came too quickly and Merlin felt the moment he opened his eyes that he didn't want it to be today yet. Fortunately it was still quite early and Gwens breakfast after sound sleep and still some time left to stay, made Merlin content and his emotions were in control. It was nice change to feel like he was his normal self for once.
Elyan woke up to the smell of breakfast and their father too. Merlin got a change to speak with Gwens father this time and he found that he liked him quite a bit. He was calm and his voice was surprisingly soft and even if he was robust, he didn't make any quick movements and just the love he showed to his children made Merlin like him and regret how he had been weary of him the last time he had seen him. Elyan was tired and he went back to bed after breakfast, but made Arthur promise he would show his car to him before leaving and let him try driving it.
When Merlin was again sitting at Arthurs drivers seat on their way home, Merlin felt more balance than he had thought. He felt a bit normal and he felt a bit purer somehow. Arthur had been sleeping right next to him, he had touched Merlins neck and they had sat next to each others at breakfast too and Merlin hadn't done anything weird or even felt a need to do anything weird. Somehow that made him feel better going home again. In a way he felt that Uther could somehow sense if he had been thinking or doing something dirty and he was punished because of it. Now there was no need. At least not much. Arthur seemed to be in a good mood too and he kept telling how thrilled Elyan had been of his car in a proud tone. Merlin laughed with him and he was happy that Arthur wasn't angry with him because of their fight yesterday. He regretted it now.
Uther wasn't home until dinner time arrived and until then Merlin felt the house not so cold and threatening place. The dinner went well even if Merlin was nervous of what Arthur would tell about their visit, but Arthur kept himself vague and brief, he had after all made a cover story of them helping when Gwens father was sick. Merlin wasn't even sure why really, but he did recognise that spending a night without parents or even big brother present would have been a suicide with Uther, so he just settled on nodding now and then and commenting of what they had eaten while Arthur told half lies when his father asked something. Merlin missed those times when he had just yelled from outside to him mother that he would be spending the night over Wills house and his mother would just yell back not to stay up too late (which they of course had ignored).
Arthur dragged Merlin to the garden after dinner and when Merlin had finally gotten to his own room, he made an exception and took a shower. He was muddy and sweaty and he hadn't had shower last night. That proved to be a mistake when Uther opened his door just when Merlin had been gathering his blanket from the bed. He dropped the blanket back and he froze. Of course he should have expected this. It was like the last time he had been a night away. This was one of Uthers patterns. He would come before and after, just like Merlin had feared. Merlin whimpered. He didn't want this, he couldn't do it anymore. The school would start again and he just… he couldn't imagine another year like the last one had been. He had gotten so much better in last few weeks and he was near his old weight again. He just… no!
"Please! Not anymore, please…" Merlin felt tears roll from his eyes and he pleaded. Uther seemed to falter a bit and that gave Merlin just a tiny bit more room to try and say what he really felt. "I can't anymore. I- I don't want it. It hurts and I- I just, please let me just be! I promise I'll be good, I won't do anything- anything like that I won't, so please…" He was sobbing in the end and he had to wipe some of his tears away as his vision blurred.
Uther just walked to Merlin and took hold of his wrist and shook making Merlin whimper and try to cover himself with his hands. Uther pried his hands off of his face and bought his face close to Merlins. Merlin could feel his hard breathing on his face and he whimpered, he was so scared and powerless against Uthers rage. "I know your kind, you never change. How could I trust you? Huh? I'm away most of the summer and the first thing I see in my sons birthday party is you, checking out his friends! No doubt ogling at them, wishing they would notice you and make you suck their dick." Merlin felt shame wash down everything inside of him, but he still kept trying "I didn't! I promise! I promise I won't watch anyone like- like that. I-" "Silence!" Uther hissed trough his teeth and Merlin stopped in the middle of his sentence. He tried to blink some of his new tears from his eyes when his vision blurred once again.
"What a sorry sight you are… Crying like this for attention. Making your mother sad. I bet you didn't want to go to swim with her just because you didn't want her to see your hard on for the other men in the pool." Merlin tried to look away from Uthers face or shook his head to deny, but Uther let go of his other wrist and took a hold of Merlins jaw instead. "You are a faggot and you are not going to change." With that Uther pushed Merlin backwards to his bed and pushed his pyjama shirt up.
Soon Merlin felt his tongue on his nipples and he let out a yelp. "I don't want this…" he whimpered, but Uther paid no mind to him. He just continued trailing lover with wet tongue. Merlin shivered with disgust and he tried to struggle, but for that he felt Uther bite his nipple and it hurt. Badly. Merlins breath was short and ragged and Uther pushed him by his neck further to the bed so Merlins head was hanging partly outside of the bed and the blanket that he had already taken out of the bed was now in one pile under his back. Merlins legs were still hanging out of the bed on his desks side so his body made a kind of a very uncomfortable bridge and Uther had good access to his middle body.
Merlin felt the gravity pile blood to his head and with Uthers hand on his neck, even if it was just loosely there, it was hard to breath. Uther rubbed himself on Merlin and Merlin felt his head spin. God he hated this so much… it all felt too adult and too dirty and there was too much pain and panting and smells and sweat and Uthers hand on his neck burned his very soul. Merlin felt Uther tug his pyjama pants down along with his boxers and leave them to his ankles making Merlin feel even more restricted. Uthers body was gone for a moment and then Merlin felt him against his bare skin rubbing his bare erection on Merlins tight.
Merlins back was starting to ache, but he tried to stretch his head even further away from Uther, his neck further away from Uthers hand and hide his face from sight even if just a little. He still felt his tears fall and now they were falling to his forehead. He closed his eyes when Uther lifted his legs up to the bed and yelped when he pushed him further. Merlin felt like he was falling out of the bed. Uthers hands came to take a strong hold of his waist so Merlin didn't fall, but his head was now hanging half way to the floor. It was highly uncomfortable. Not was only too much blood in his head making Merlins head hurt and his ears hum in rhythm of his pulse, but he couldn't stabilise himself in any way. He couldn't reach the floor and the only thing other than Uther on the bed he could reach was his blanket and it didn't help at all.
He tried to squirm and he tried to fall out of the bed to get away from Uther, but Uther just squeezed him harder until it hurt. "You are hurting me…" Merlin still tried to make Uther see how he felt, but to his horror, Uther just laughed at him. Humourless, cold, sarcastic laughter. "But you enjoy it, don't you? Such a naughty little whore you are." To underline his point, Uther took a hold of Merlins now erected staff and pumped it up and down. Merlin felt cold ice run down his spine. He couldn't say anything to that. 'Why? Why am I like this….?' He didn't understand… he was uncomfortable and disgusted and restrained and scared. Why was his body reacting this way?
"You see why I have hard time believing you… I'm doing you a favour. You should be thanking me." Uther continued and popped the cap of the lube open. Merlin whimpered. "I don't like it… please stop…." But his reason screamed that this was all in wain and then he felt Uthers grip getting harder again in a way that told Merlin that he had gone too far. Now Uther was truly mad. "Listen you faggot, I have been patient with you, and this is what I get? You whiny slut, I'll give you something to whine about." He hissed and flipped Merlin around.
He didn't prepare Merlin in any way. He just squeezed some of the lube on Merlins ass, he hardly even took time to run his own erection with the lube before thrusting himself in. Merlin was so scared now. He bit the edge of his bed in order of not to cry out of the pain, but it didn't help much. He still made a loud sound even if it was muffled by the fabric in his mouth. Uther slammed into him hard and Merlin couldn't control himself, he pleaded and cried and pleaded some more for Uther to stop and to not hurt him, he wanted to make Uther understand desperately, but it just made Uther more angry.
Suddenly Uther pulled out and he took a hold of Merlins hair and he pulled Merlin out of the bed and on his knees. "Suck it." He commanded and thrusted his slimy penis on Merlins face. It smelled horrible and the knowledge of where it had been was enough to make Merlin gag just to the thought of taking it into his mouth. "Do it. Use that pathetic mouth to something useful." Uther told him angrily and shook Merlin by his hair. Merlin shook his head and Uther took hold of his jaw and squeezed it open from the sides. Merlin still struggled and his jaw was so tight that there was no way that anything was going in without braking something. Either his jaw or what ever was going in.
Uther bend down to whisper in Merlins ear "Keep resisting and I might not remember to keep you secret safe… " His grip lessened on Merlins face and Merlin bend his head down in defeat. He knew that he couldn't fight that and he knew that Uther knew. There were bitter tears in his eyes, but he willed his mind to push the present out of his mind and his muscles relaxed enough for Uther to pry his jaw open. Nothing was more important than keeping this secret.
The taste was horrible and the sliminess from the lube and… Merlin couldn't think about that, it was just too much. Merlin gaged and tried to spit in a reflex like manner while trying to concentrate on anything else in the world but failing miserably. Uther moved Merlins head by his hair few times before giving up and pushing Merlin off of him. Merlin spit and gagged and his stomach cramped, but Uther gave him no time to recover. Maybe that was actually for the better. If he had left Merlin even a little bit more time he would have surely thrown up.
Uther pulled Merlins face to look at him and he took hold of Merlins neck. "Stop this nonsense, faggot. Clean your own filth." and he pushed Merlin back to his crotch. Merlin was shaking all over now and his lower lip was trembling, but the tight hold on his neck was slowly becoming the most alarming thing in the present and Merlin slowly nodded, closed his eyes and fought to his reflexes as much as he could until Uther trusted himself into his mouth and came.
"Shallow it all." Uther whispered in Merlins ear and Merlin tried, he did, but his head was spinning and he gaged at the same time and he finally threw up. Uther let go of Merlin and took a hasty step back looking at Merlin in disgust while he trembled on all fours his stomach giving up everything it could. When Merlin couldn't vomit anymore, he just stared at the mess not having enough courage to look at Uther. But he still needed to try "I can't do this… please, I get sick I- " he panted in between his ragged breathing.
"Clean up your mess." Uther just said and turned to leave. Merlin didn't look up. He heard the door open and close and he was alone. He knew right then that Uther didn't care about him or his feelings at all. Not in any way. It didn't matter to him how Merlin felt or if he was hurt or sick or not. He hated Merlin. He hated the faggot he was and that was enough. It didn't matter that Merlin felt that he could do nothing to change that. It didn't matter to him if Merlin never would get a boyfriend or even touch or let another human being touch him more than absolutely necessary in normal every day life. It didn't matter if Merlin was happy or not with his life. He was homosexual and he needed to be punished for it.
Merlin had no tears left anymore, he had cried too much already, but the feeling didn't go anywhere. His eyes burned and his throat ached and his ass stung. He knew he had to move soon, but he just couldn't make himself to do that just yet.
Eventually he remembered that the door was again open and he stood up with shaky legs just to lock it again. It was late, no-one would come to check his door tonight. He would clean the floor and he would shower and then he would open the door again. There was not much choice for cleaning supplies in his room so eventually Merlin took one of his shirts from the laundry basket and used it rinsing it once in a while in the sink. He worked slowly and naked not bothering to dress now that the door was locked. He wondered why hadn't he locked it before?
Finally most of the vomit was gone, but the smell lingered, so Merlin opened his window as much as possible. The summer night air was warm, but to Merlins sweaty and sticky skin it felt cold, so he headed for the shower. He didn't bother to close the bathroom door and just sat on the floor. He had been able to push most of his thought out while cleaning but now all he could see were flashes of this night. He had tried to tell Uther how he felt… 'It was a mistake' Uther didn't care how he felt… 'does it even matter?' He had made Merlin suck his dick after he had entered Merlin…
Merlin shuddered. Was that even safe? It was so dirty and even the lube… Merlin wasn't sure if it was meant for using orally. He gaged again when a new visual popped to his head and he had to concentrate for a while not to throw up again. It wasn't like there was anything to throw up anymore, but he knew he could just dry heave some greenish slime even after everything else was gone. That always tasted the worst. 'It matters to me…' Merlin mind decided to answer to his own question. Does it even matter? It matters to me…
Yes, it didn't mean much for Merlin for he felt himself dirty and guilty for so many things, but it did matter. He didn't want this kind of life and that was the truth. Even if his body was so sick that it got hard on Uthers touch, something in him was still resisting it and Merlin clung to that feeling. His eyes found the scar he had made himself and without more wondering, Merlin stood up and went to take his knife out again. He didn't want to make more scars to anyone to see, so he placed the blade right on the edge of the scar and pressed slowly this time. Slowly and in the corner of the shower so he wouldn't make the same kind of mess than last time.
The pain was so different from the one Uther caused him. It was cool and it filled his mind for just a second before he pulled the blade off and the pain started to dull. When the pain was dulling, Merlin felt short high and the bathroom light was again a bit sharper and the world more focused. He watched the blood slowly run from his wound. It was not even half of the size of the last one and he knew he would be happy about that tomorrow. He didn't feel faint like last time. He had much more weight on him now and he was more prepared and he was already sitting on the floor. He knew however that this was stupid, that he shouldn't be doing this and he hoped that tomorrow would again teach him not to do it again for a long time or maybe ever. He didn't want this to become a habit, somebody would surely notice at some point and he had no way to explain himself. He thought of his mother and he felt sad.
It was almost three o'clock in the night when Merlin finally got to sleep. He had made sure that there was no blood or vomit to be seen and he had dressed his would with a simple bandage. That was all he had got left. On his couch he hugged one of the couch pillows, the one Arthur had thrown at his face once, probably. He could still imagine the warmth on the pillow and he just let himself enjoy that. Hugging a pillow Arthur had (maybe) touched felt harmless right now.
In the morning Merlin woke up to a sound of knocking. He was dead tired and he didn't want to get up so he just turned to another side and let it be. He didn't even remember that he should care about the fact that he was sleeping on his couch. Then his phone rang. It was probably Will, trying to get back at him for waking him up deliberately few times. He ignored it too. Eventually the ringing stopped, but then it started again and the knocking on his door too started again. Merlin groaned and took his phone which was closer. It was Arthur.
Suddenly Merlin was wide awake. Why the hell would Arthur call him? He picked up non the less "Um, he-" He stated awkwardly, but was interrupted by Arthur hissing "Open your damn door right now before father comes up!" Merlin felt all blood drain from his face. The door... he had forgotten to open the door! He stumbled up, threw his blanket to his bed haphazardly and half run, half jumped with one foot to the door and opened it quickly. Arthur ended the call and sighed in relieve before fixing Merlin an annoyed glare. "The breakfast. One hour ago." And he left. Merlin rested his forehead on the door frame. How lucky that it had been Arthur…
After calming down a little and dressing himself, Merlin somehow managed to make himself go downstairs. When he saw no-one downstairs, he quickly took out a plate and smeared it with some yogurt so it would seem that he had eaten and placed the plate in the sink. He didn't feel like eating at all. Everything seemed to smell too strong. It was final week of the holiday and Merlin knew that the start of the school would bring him new routines to learn if he wanted to stay sane this year too.
When he saw Arthur warming up in the garden no doubt making new routines himself to make the best out of his team for this year too, Merlin made his mind. He would do it. He would bite his lip and take everything he deserved and after he turned 18, he would never come to this house again. He would get best grades on everything so he could go anywhere. Anywhere far enough, where Uther couldn't reach him. Or close enough so he could still look at Arthur like this. From behind a class window, but without touching or getting too close.
Arthur rose his gaze just in time to see Merlin looking at him and he waved Merlin to join him. Merlin smiled a little. Arthur wasn't mad at him then. He stepped trough the door and prepared himself to have at least dozen footballs kicked to his face, but he didn't mind. This was just fine. He wished he could have this for as long as he lived.
A/N Long chapter is long. I have kind of tried to keep the chapters in between 5000-10 000 words. This chapter is over 14 000. The next one will also be long, about 12 000 words. I hope it's not too much.
I got some awesome reviews for last chapter:
mersan123 I love these long reviews you are witing! Thank you, not only for this review but that you are continuing to review in every chapter, I'm highly interested in what you think as the story goes on! I'm clad that you liked the way I used the lines from the series, I have actually done that a lot in this chapter (as I'm sure you already noticed) and in the future chapters too, have fun finding them all ;) Yes, Merlins behaviour should consern those around him and while for example Gwen and arthur are also still teens of only sixteen years behind them, Hunith is the one who has the main responsability for Merlins well being and I still stand behind what I said about the teachers in Merlins school. For you, I have started to write a glimpse of Huniths thoughts. Look for it in chapter 14 :)
Angel Dove1 Thank you for a long and very heart warming review! I'm quite sure no-one has ever called anything I have done 'a work of art', I have read your review like ten times by now :) It is very true that people notice stuff, they think that 'he's weird' or 'there's something off' or 'what's wrong with him today?' but in the end they don't know what to do or say and so they never do. They might forget and brush everything of as nothing or even dismis the whole person because they are too weird or too much trouble. To their defence thought, it is not easy to ask someone seriously if everything is alright and resieve a serious and honest reply. For you I have started to write a glimpse of Lances thoughts. Expect to find it in chapter 15 :)
Guests I also got some guest reviews, thank you all for your comments! There were some very good questions, but I will only aswer one because I don't want to give anyting away ;) Yes, Morgana will make an appearance in this story, but that point is still far, far away. There were also two reviews asking me to update more often, for now I'm sorry, but my school is still on for another week and this is the fastest I can proofread this (my computers autocorrect is my worst enemy), but if I get more reviewers telling me that I should update more often, I'll see what I can do during the summer.