.:19:.

Cody's Log V

Not friends?

How can Zack say we're not friends?

Okay, yes, we do get on each other's nerves. We do make fun of each other. We cut each other down when we get the chance. We tend to be in competition with each other…

Okay, I sort of see what he means. But that doesn't mean that we're not friends! That we're not friendly with each other. There's always a sense of competition within siblings, it's a fundamental part of developing the social and emotional capacities within children. It encourages problem solving and communication and emotional maturity. It develops language and linguistics.

(Though I'm not so sure how mature it is for that small prank war Zack and I got into that ended up having us kicked out of that one hotel that we, legally, still can't talk about. Mom hasn't gotten over it yet.)

It's a good thing.

I've never hated Zack. I hated it when he stole some of my food. Hated it when he'd push me out of the way to do something first. Hated it when Zack got more attention for some things when, if Cody did them later, it wouldn't get the same reaction. Hated how Zack seemed to make friends so much easier than he ever could. Hated how everyone seemed to like him—up until he got them caught up in some sort of money making scheme or some sort of ploy to get out of trouble.

But I've never hated him.

Zack is my brother. He's my best friend. I thought I was his best friend, too. Maybe he hates me. Maybe he's always hated me, and I haven't known. We get along for the most part. Yes, we do get on each other's nerves. But I know I can always count on Zack.

No matter what, if I knew there was something going on, I could soundboard off Zack. Yes, sometimes he makes things worse. He doesn't always know how to help someone. I think my asking for advice petrifies him, if I'm being honest. Because his reaction is to immediately to give some sort of terrible advice that isn't going to help much. But when I explain that I need him to be serious, he sits back and thinks for a second, blinking as his eyes shift to the side.

Then he gives good advice. It's almost like he had to defend himself before he says anything ot make sure that he'll be received well.

And, I can sort of understand that.

It's like we've said to each other and to mom and dad and to Dr. Morrison…to almost everyone in our lives. When you're a twin, you're known for something. You're immediately labeled as 'the smart one', 'the cute one', 'the funny one', 'the troublemaker', anything that can be made a label, you've got a label. I've always been known as the smart one. I couldn't help it. I've always been intellectually inclined.

But the thing is, I would never be that smart, my ideas wouldn't have been able to come to fruition if it weren't for Zack. I wouldn't' have been able to build some of my biggest and best LEGO creations if Zack hadn't' knocked them down. I wouldn't have been able to come up with an indestructible lock if it weren't for Zack picking every lock I've ever had before.

I wouldn't have been able to come up with my ploy to keep Zack from stealing my papers from my archives…if he didn't keep stealing my papers. A lot of what I do I have to thank Zack for.

I love my brother.

I could never hate him.

But he might hate me.

Not just because of the labels we're given, but because I'm not sure there's much I can do to help him. I might be able to push him forward a little in school if he wanted to do better. But he's always said he hated it when I try to help him, because I take everything over. I can't help him in sports because I'm not good at them. I've gotten better at basketball because of physics, and even Zack was confused when he'd seen how well me and Tapeworm ad gotten.

But Zack's form and athleticism has always been good. I can't make him better unless I play against him. I can't make him better with girls because he's always been good with girls. (For the most part, it's the commitment part he's had problems with). I can't help him with woodworking because I stink at it. (It's the only thing I'm not good at, but I can at least show some appreciation into it other than the constant splinters).

Huh.

I get the point now.

I'm doing the same thing. Not that we didn't know that. We continue to wish we were more like each other all the time. And while we do poke fun at each other all the time. But I can't remember all the times that we defended each other or had an actual conversation where we didn't throw in something to hurt each other.

Maybe that was the problem. We've gone through so much in our lives that we're always going to take our anger out on each other. Instead of talking about it the way we should. I've always thought I was the more emotional one, but it might be Zack. He just keeps things bottled up more than I do.

I'll cry and let things out as soon as I feel them and move on. But Zack holds onto it.

Just like…I guess that's why he hadn't said anything about Sadie, or his pictures, or about his eating disorder. Maybe for the same reason I haven't said anything about tutoring Sadie so much. Or about how she may have…well, I don't know.

I don't know if she got into my room or not. I don't know if it was a coincidence. I don't know if she really was the one who called the Tipton to get me down there. I don't know the feeling I had.

It was just a…feeling.

Parents don't understand this about teenagers. We have a lot going on and too many feelings that are hard to determine within a day's notice let alone for the rest of our tumultuous years. And in that time we're supposed to figure out who is going to be in our lives as we move on from school.

I'll be honest, part of the reason I wanted to go to Yale was so I could have some time to myself. So I can be my own person. So I didn't have to be known as a twin.

And as the time moved closer, I felt a bit of hesitation for it.

I'm not going to Yale, Zack doesn't seem to be going anywhere, and we're splitting apart anyway.

Or else, we've been splitting apart.

If I had to track it back to when we first started to drift…I could easily pinpoint it. Zack and I may have our own interests and priorities but we've always been pretty close to each other. (Why else would I continuously allow myself to be talked into Zack's schemes?)

But it was when I joined the basketball team when Zack really started to pull away from me.

So, maybe I was the problem all along?

A/N: Huh, this is the darkest I've written Cody. It's a very interesting route to go. I'll have another update soon. Things will move a bit faster then.

Cheers,

-Riles