Arthur was over the moon. He felt light, everything seemed nice and pretty and just generally good. Merlin had liked his present and he had asked Arthur to come with him to the movies. Arthur had pondered for a long while in the theatre if he should have bought two, three or four tickets to the movie. He was sure that Merlin would have been happy if they could have invited Gwen with them and if Elyan had a ticket too, they could have held kind of a birthday party for Merlin. Still, in the end Arthur had taken two, because even if it felt petty, he had wanted to see if Merlin would ask him or Gwen to join him to the movies. In a way Arthur was testing who Merlin liked better. That wasn't very cool and Arthur did feel a bit guilty about that, but Merlin had asked him. And not even after thinking, he had asked right away! And that smile… Oh the life was good.
The day of the movies came too slowly for Arthur and Merlins mood varied depending mostly on how Uther had looked or what he had said or done to Merlin, but when he was sitting in Arthurs car ready to go, Merlin couldn't have been happier. Whatever was right or wrong, today Merlin had decided to think this as a date, a real date (just with being cautious of not to touch Arthur or say anything stupid that would give himself away of course). It would be a fantasy, but Merlin really didn't care right now.
The movie started at six o'clock in the evening so Merlin and Arthur had left after dinner. It was very unusual to get out this late and Merlin liked the feel of the city at night. People were going out and to see friends rather than going to school or work alone. The sun was still in the sky, but when the movie would end, it would already be dark and Merlin knew he would relax even more then. He felt much more at ease in dark nowadays.
The theatre was modern and big and the movie they were going to see was on the biggest screen. Merlin could just sit on his seat, box of popcorn on his lap and soda next to him and look around in awe. The screen was the biggest Merlin had ever seen and the seats were luxuryously red and soft and big and there were so many people and the ceiling was so high… It was just awesome!
At some point Merlin turned to look at Arthur who was watching him with an amused look on his face. Merlin remembered how Arthur used to get annoyed at him whenever Merlin had been acting like this, but recently Merlin had felt that Arthur mostly just found it funny. It was much better and Merlin had no problem acting a bit goofy if it amused Arthur.
Even the commercials blew Merlin away with how loud and bright they were and the movie was huge! He could feel himself fly with the camera work and even if the plot and scenes were very different from the book (he had finished reading it in two days ) and not for the better, it didn't really matter at all. At some point Merlin laughed at something and he leaned to his armrest. His elbow met Arthurs and when Arthur didn't shift away, Merlin left his arm where it was.
In few minutes that was nearly all he could concentrate on and when he was sure that Arthur was looking at the screen, he turned his head just slightly so he could steal some glances of Arthurs silhouette. 'He's so handsome…' Merlin thought and he decided that now was the time to fantasise of this being a date. He made a quick evaluation and came to a conclusion that it wasn't anything friends couldn't do if he leaned just a little bit to Arthurs touch. It wasn't too suspicious.
He was just about to put some more pressure to the hand he was leaning to, when Arthur leaned to his direction to comment on something that had just happened and Merlin had totally missed. The result was that Arthur was now leaning towards Merlin, just as Merlin had wanted, but at the sudden movement, Merlins reflex was to lean back. Arthurs smile faltered slightly and Merlin couldn't hear what he was saying, so he gathered his courage and leaned back where he had been and asked Arthur what he had said. Arthur repeated and it was funny so Merlin chuckled softly at him. Arthur seemed pleased and he turned back to the movie, but now they were closer than they had been previously. It was actually much better that Arthur had moved closer himself, he couldn't be suspicious of Merlin if it was himself who had moved closer, right?
After a while of calming down, Merlin relaxed and enjoyed his closeness to Arthur. They were now leaning to the same arm rest and their shoulders were just barely not touching. Merlin could feel the warmth radiating from Arthur and he knew that if he tilted his head just a bit, it would rest on Arthurs shoulder. Their elbows were touching and when Merlin took a hold of the end of the arm rest, he could almost imagine that they were holding hands. This really was like a dream. If only it could be real… But right now that didn't matter much. Merlin let himself sink into a blessed state where he was just enjoying the present. He didn't even feel guilty right now. He was just enjoying his 'date'.
When the movie ended, Arthur wished they didn't have to go. He looked at Merlin who was still looking at the screen, possibly to take everything he could of the big screen. Arthur had been even more happy that he had thought with Merlins reactions. He had obviously made the right choice with Merlins present. Merlin had his hands on his lap now, he had moved them when the lights had started to turn on.
Arthur had been so happy when Merlins hand had touched his and he had felt a strong need to touch Merlin more, but when he had seen Merlin lean back, Arthur had decided not to risk the little he got. Merlin looked so happy and that made Arthur feel butterflies in his stomach and his own smile grow every time he looked at Merlin. He wanted to lean on Merlin so much. His hand felt like it had electricity under its skin and it needed to go around Merlin. He wanted to take Merlin to his arms and hug him and smell his hair and neck.
Arthurs gaze wandered to Merlins smile. The smile he loved so much. Merlins lips were curved to a gentle and relaxed smile. His lips looked soft and tempting and Arthur wanted to kiss them.
Arthur blinked. What was that? He wanted to… kiss Merlin? Yes, he really did. The thought caught him by surprise. This was the first time he had really felt like that and the feeling shook him from inside. Apparently being in school hadn't helped at all, there was no hope in him, he had a massive crush on Merlin and now it had turned physical. Really, sexually, physical. And of course the first time he felt this kind of need, it just had to be towards his stepbrother.
Now there was no way of explaining himself anymore. Everything he had done or wanted before, could have been explained to others that Merlin was a very dear friend or even pretend that it was nothing at all. That he hadn't even thought about it even if it wasn't most common thing to hug and want to lean on a male best friend, but this was clearly way over that line. Just thinking of wanting to kiss Merlin was way too much and if Merlin, no, anyone would ever find out, Arthur would have no way of explaining his way out of it. Arthur shuddered slightly. Thinking that was a bit scary.
At some point Merlin turned to look at Arthur and he tilted his head slightly to the side. Arthur realised then that he had been staring and that he was still staring at Merlin with his mouth slightly open. "You really haven't been in movies much…" He said to cover it up. Merlin blushed slightly not helping Arthurs case at all. He had to turn to look at another direction. 'Awesome, I'm officially messed up.' He thought. "I think we should leave now… we could have something to eat before we go home…" Arthur said after clearing his throat. Merlin nodded at him and Arthur was clad that he could turn his back to Merlin when he stood up. He was quite sure he was blushing himself.
Merlin kept chatting about all the differences the movie had compared to the book while they walked out of the theatre and he was happy and more relaxed in Arthurs company that Arthur could remember him being in a long time. After a while of just listening Merlin and seeing him smile made Arthur relax and he could comment the movie with Merlin. Soon the conversation was rolling like normally and Arthur felt much lighter. He still wanted to take hold of Merlins hand while they walked side by side towards a nice looking cafe that was still open and full of people, but he ignored the feeling. He also found his gaze drop more than once to Merlins lips and finally he decided to keep his eyes in front of him and not look at Merlin at all.
The cafe was great and Merlin joked that he wanted another stomach so he could eat more even after he had eaten two slices of cake and drank a mighty mug of hot chocolate. Arthur had such a good time. He was sure that he had never had so much fun just sitting in a cafe with anyone else than Merlin and this wasn't an isolated case, he seemed to always have this much fun with Merlin. Time flew too quickly and every time Arthur glanced at his clock, the time had seemed to jump forward much more than he had thought. He knew they were late already and that he would have to take his fathers anger for that, but he still felt it was small price to pay if he could spend just a little more time with Merlin.
Arthur finally admitted that they had to leave when his father called and was not pleased when Arthur told him that they were still in the central. Merlin looked highly alarmed when he listened Arthur talk to the phone and by the look of his face Arthur could tell that Merlin had just realised what time it was. However, Merlin managed to calm down when Arthur told him that he would apologise to his father and that he hadn't sounded that mad anyway. That wasn't exactly true, but Arthur was sure that he could take care of his father and he was more than wiling to take the blame for this one.
They walked the short distance back to the movie theatres parking lot in peace and Arthur had no trouble of walking in slow pace so Merlin could take everything from the night buzz and city lights. He seemed to enjoy them very much and when Arthur asked Merlin about it, he told that he had loved this ever present life of the city the most when he had first moved here. He had confessed that actually it was a pity that they lived in so quiet area.
Arthur could understand this. He had rarely been out this late himself and in the central area and when he looked around, he had to admit that he too enjoyed the crowd of different people going by in leisure no doubt spending their vacations or just weekend with no hurry. The city was alive and beating and while comparing what he found interesting or what he liked with Merlin, he felt that they had found something they had in common. Arthur wished that he didn't have to worry about his crush so much.
School started too soon on Merlins opinion and when he had to wish her mother luck when she left to school he felt bitter and not willing to admit that he had to go soon too. She would have one week of orientation at school before the internship would start. Merlin thought that he was the one who would need luck then.
The school calmed him down a bit and he was happy to see Gwen and even Vivian who still dragged the book Merlin had bought her around. She told Merlin that she had of course finished reading it a long time ago, but that she was now reading the best parts again. That didn't surprise Merlin at all. But what did, was when he asked Vivian if she had told her father who the book was really from.
Vivian paused her reading looking a bit annoyed for the interruption "Yes. He flipped at first when I told him that you and Gwen are not dating, but I made something up so if my father ever asks you, you are dating. Are we clear?" Merlin had replied 'of course' before even thinking because Vivians tone was so commanding, but after Vivian had again turned to read, Merlin exchanged a confused look with Gwen. He was clad that Vivian hadn't lied that he and Gwen were dating, it was actually oddly thoughtful of Vivian. Only when Merlin was sitting in the next boring class did Merlin realise that Vivians father was an associate of Uthers. He wished that Vivians father wouldn't comment about Merlins 'girlfriend' to him.
The first ride from school to home was nothing Merlin couldn't handle, but as soon as he stepped inside the house, Merlin felt the pressure of this being just the first of many many rides from school to home on this spring. One of many times Uther would feel him up in his car, one of many days he would have nothing else to do than study some boring facts to distract himself from the fact that Uther might come to his room at night. And with his mother gone, Merlin knew that those nights would be often.
"I trust you will study well this year too?" Uther said to Merlin as he walked in from behind Merlin not even looking at his direction. "Yes." was Merlins only reply. Of course, what else could he do? What else was there to do in this empty house on his supposedly free time when he was expected to act straight and polite and never ever have any feelings for anyone, while the only thing that could distract him from that was to study even if he could have managed with half of the time he spend buried in his books last year?
Merlin slept poorly the whole week even if Uther didn't even show his face. Merlin knew what was waiting for him when his mother would be gone. This was just calm before the storm. Knowing this however made Merlin a bit more occupied than normally. Every time he was left alone he sneaked something from the kitchen. He was careful not to take too much or being found out and he hid small stashes of food in different places in his room. He managed to get some cookies and jam again along with some honey and crackers. He was mostly drawn to sweet things and he continued to steal what ever he could until he ran to their cook who accused him of stealing her cookings (for a reason) and while Merlin did his best to convince her otherwise, he was jumpy for days hoping that the cook wouldn't say anything to Uther.
She never did, or at least Uther didn't say anything to Merlin so gradually Merlin let himself relax again, but he didn't dare to take anything from the kitchen anymore. The cook continued to look Merlin with some hostility and if she hadn't liked Merlin before… Merlin made a point of complementing her of the vegan food she made for him for a while, but she only seemed mildly happy about that so Merlin soon dropped it. It felt stressful to talk to her and more trouble than worth it.
When Hunith left for her first nightshift on monday, Merlin wanted to hug her and tell her that she couldn't go, but in reality what Merlin did was wish her luck and smile at her with forced smile. Merlin didn't even notice Arthur until he threw a pen at his head wanting to get some notes or something from him and he was soon gone with Merlins notebook when Merlin had practically snapped at him how he needed some peace and quiet about right now.
The night came too quickly and even if Merlin knew it was coming, it didn't make it any more easy when he heard the door handle turn.
"Take your clothes off." Uther wasn't going to spare Merlin from anything today, Merlin could hear it from his tone. Still he didn't move. He didn't want this, he never had, but today… He felt it so very strongly. He had one week worth of feeding his feelings and he had come to a definite conclusion. He never had wanted any of this. Even Uther looking at him made him uncomfortable and having sex with him… he hated it. So much.
"Do it, or I'll do it for you." Uthers voice held more thread now and Merlin knew that if he didn't do it himself, he would just make matters worse for himself. Again.
He took his shirt off and started to open his trousers, but clearly he wasn't fast enough because Uther pushed him down to the mattress and pulled rest of his clothing off harshly. Normally Uther took him from behind and Merlin preferred it that way. Then he didn't have to see Uther and he could just bite his pillow until it was over. Now, however, when he tried to turn, Uther crabbed his hands and made him lay on his back. Merlin didn't like this and he tried to struggle agains Uthers grip. This only managed to make Uther strengthen his hold until it hurt.
But what came next made Merlin truly fear. Uther took a pair of handcuffs from his pocket and trapped Merlins hand with one hand. Merlin tried to fight the hold but Uther was now sitting on top of him and he could do nothing to prevent Uther from trapping his wrist one at a time. His bed had a barred bed end so it was easy to slip the handfuls around one of the metal pipes.
Merlin panicked. His hands were in an awkward position and he felt exposed. He didn't want Uther to see him…. When he tried to struggle, the handcuffs cut into his skin and Uther didn't bulge nor did the metal pipe the handcuffs were around. Uther moved himself so he could take a hold of Merlins legs and open his own trousers. Merlin whimpered and he kept pulling his arms without any real direction on his actions.
"Quiet boy. Or would you want me to get rough?" Uthers cold voice made Merlin try to calm down, which was hard. He was breathing too fast and he knew he was on a verge of panic attack. He concentrate to stop struggling but he knew it wouldn't help… He tried to forget his tied hands and he repeated in his mind that this was not any different from the other times.
Uther moved slowly to take the lube from Merlins night stand and climbed back to the bed. He opened Merlins legs, which was the most humiliating thing Merlin had ever experienced and started to cares Merlins entrance with his lubed fingers. Merlin couldn't look. He tried to look at the ceiling and tell himself that he was somewhere else. He heard Uthers camera a couple of times and he felt panic rise inside of him again. He fought it and didn't move or make a sound.
"I see you are enjoying yourself…" Something in Uthers smug voice made Merlin look at him and then himself. He was laying there his legs lewdly open, Uthers fingers were in his ass and he himself was hard. 'no…' He had to fight his nausea and his scream both trying to exit his throat at the same time. 'No… not again...' He knew he didn't want this, that he hated it, so why was he hard? Uther hadn't even touched him there and he… He saw Uthers camera go again and Merlin knew how this would look like.
Uther pulled his fingers out with a sound that made Merlin turn his head away and shut his eyes. It was so humiliating… Why there was such sounds coming from him… "What a lewd body you got…" Uthers words hurt Merlin like a knife but soon Uther penetrated him making him concentrate on the physical pain instead. His hands were already near their limit position but when Uther pushed in and out his body moved making his joints hurt and the handcuffs were rubbing his skin painfully. And he could do nothing else than hope it would end soon.
To his luck and misfortune it had been a long time since Uther had taken him. To luck meaning that Uther came relatively fast and to his misfortune that he wasn't used to this either. Before Uther came, Merlin couldn't stop himself from crying out of pain. His hole hurt so much… he wasn't sure if he was bleeding again or not, but he felt like he was braking. When he did shout, Uther quickly took a hold of his neck silencing him. Being restricted was a torture.
Uther came a minute after that but for Merlin, it was an hour. He saw images flash in his eyes, he was trapped, he couldn't move, he couldn't breath properly, he felt like he was spinning and eaten by purples and yellows and then… it was over. He barely noticed Uther leaving or opening the handcuffs. He couldn't stand so he crawled to the bathroom and threw up. Usually he didn't throw up if he hadn't tasted Uther but now it wouldn't end.
When Merlin could finally stop vomiting, the world came to focus. He again knew which way was up and which was down. He spent a good while just leaning on the toilet seat before crawling to shover. He could have tried to stand now, but he didn't want to. He scrubbed his skin with too much soap and a sponge. Especially the places Uther had touched.
At some point he noticed he was half erected. He hid it from his vision by closing his legs and covering it with his hands. He didn't understand… what was his body doing? He was messed up and something was wrong with his body. He wondered if he could be some kind of illness. He hit the tiled floor with his fists until his penis was limp again. His hands hurt and he was clad that he had a large collection of long sleeved shirts nowadays, because the handcuffs had left his wrists swollen and red. He glanced his thigh and saw the ugly scar in it. 'At least I did that myself…' He imagined if this left scars on his writs and he hated the thought. Uther had already taken everything in his body, he didn't need a visual remind of it.
When Merlin was ready with his shower, he didn't wan't to go out. His room felt too big and too open. But the bathroom didn't feel safe either and he saw too easily ghostly images of his blood on the white tiles so he had to leave. He dragged his blanket and pillow to the couch like usual, but he didn't find it comfortable so eventually he curled himself in a small space between wall and his couch and slept. At least some parts of the night. He keept waking up for some part or other hurting or feeling numb but he didn't have any energy to move himself to lay back to the couch.
Finally he straightened himself to sleep on the floor in front of his couch. He wrapped himself to his blanket and slept abruptly until morning. When he couldn't lay on the floor anymore, the clock was already 6am and he knew that if he would lie on the couch he would just not want to wake up when he had to, so he dragged himself up from the floor, threw his blanket to his bed and started to change. He chose the most colourful combination he could find from his closet to make up for the lack of self esteem. Red shirt with green trousers and his brown jumper. When he was dressing his muscles complained and he suddenly remembered Uthers hands on his neck. He stormed to his bathroom and checked his neck from the mirror. There were some red marks and even few places where nails had broken his skin. He had to cover that up…
He went back to his closet and found a green neckerchief to tie on his neck. He double checked from mirror that it covered all the marks and put his jumpers hood up just to be sure. He then went downstairs just to be made fun of by Arthur who seemed to find it funny that Merlin was up this early. Merlin didn't have energy to talk to him so he just made an annoyed noise and went to get something to eat from the fridge. "Got off from your bed with wrong foot? Or do you still sleep on your couch?" Arthur tried to be funny but Merlin really wasn't in the mood so he just took a bread with cheese and moved to eat it in the living room.
"You really shouldn't eat in there, father would have your head if he knew…" Arthur didn't seem to get the hint. "I'll go to eat in your car then…" Merlin replied with a dry voice. "No! God! Stay there if you want, I don't care." Well, Arthur did like his car very much…
Arthurs possessiveness of his car finally made Merlin smile a bit to himself. The living room couch was too comfortable so after Merlin had eaten he went back up to collect his things and made far too many trips to his room and to Arthurs car and back just so he would keep himself moving and not to fall asleep. When it was finally time to leave, Merlin sat into the passenger seat, fastened his seatbelt and fell asleep. He woke up only when Arthur literally pulled him from his seat to the schools parking lot.
"It didn't occur to you that you could have woken me up like a normal person?" Merlin whined while they walked towards the school. "Merlin, it takes a week to wake you up normally!" Arthur protested clearly annoyed in a little bit flustered way but Merlin wasn't going to back down. He was hurting all over and he had been almost scared to death by sudden feeling of someone pulling him to some direction. It reminded him too much of how Uther had handled him just last night.
"I wake every morning to my alarm clock thank you very much!" "And how am I supposed to imitate your stupid clock in a parking lot, huh, Merlin?!" Arthur shot back. This actually made Merlin snicker. "Well, you are doing a very good job now." Arthur went silent for a moment and then… "Merlin!" Merlin had seen this coming and was already running towards school laughing. Arthur didn't take long to run after him and catch him near the entrance. For Merlins luck, there was a teacher standing by nearby so Arthur settled with knuckling his hair.
Merlin had gone trough days with less sleep than this, but today it seemed impossible to stay awake. He was scolded twice for not listening and once for falling asleep. At lunch he could barely eat because his throat still hurt and because the schools vision of a vegetarian meal today was a pile of green slime with rice. Even Arthur didn't ask why he wasn't eating much.
And then there was PE. Merlin hated it when he had to drag himself to another PE class. He knew he wouldn't like it and after that he would have to sit in the same car with Uther. His monday angst really was on a different level than others was. He changed in bathroom and checked his neck. Luckily the red marks had faded and only the nail marks were left. He hoped no-one would notice them but if asked, he could always tell how he had scratched his neck too hard himself. That had worked before.
They had basketball today. Merlin groaned at the subject, but in reality he would have done the same to any subject. After doing his warm ups with his best impression of an ameba, Merlin dragged himself around on the edges of the basketball game so he didn't have to play, but that only worked for about five minutes. "Merlin! join in, you'll have to run a bit to get the ball!" Lance urged Merlin to play. Merlin pretended that he didn't hear Lance, but Lance didn't give up. He tried three times and when Merlin didn't give him any reply, the last time Lance practically showed him into the game.
"Don't touch me!" Merlin snapped at him with an angry hiss. He regretted it immediately. Lance took a step back and looked a bit hurt. Merlin would have apologised right away, but someone else called Lance just then and the moment was gone. He had done it again... He had snapped at Lance with no good reason and from the hurt Merlin had seen in Lances expression he could tell that Lance hadn't forgotten his last hurtful words like he had thought.
Merlin tried to participate a bit more after that. Just to make Lance even a bit happy. He really would need to find a way to apology to Lance. It wasn't like Lance had even done anything that really made him uncomfortable, in a way he was thankful that Lance still took some effort with him even if he wasn't one of his star students.
Lance was one of the rare teachers in this school that really paid attention and took effort to know their pupils. In Merlins case, most of the teachers just ignored him. He would have been praised a lot for his success and hard work and good grades and stuff if he was more enthusiastic. But with a lazy and uninterested attitude and occasional falling asleep, many of the teachers found him annoying in a way they couldn't even complain about. If Merlin had been unable to answer their questions or if he missed deadlines or something, they could have always scolded him and called his home, but when he was always early and spot on correct on everything, the only thing they seemed to be capable of was to huff at him and tell him it wasn't polite to sit like that or that he should sleep at night.
While somedays Merlin was grateful that he was left alone, in the long run he felt that he wasn't worth being taken as a person. He was just one of the masses who could show more respect. So in every other class nobody cared enough to even look at his direction twice, but PE. And they didn't even know he was gay. Had Merlin thought it like that or not, the teachers were one of the things that ate his self esteem bit by bit.
After getting himself to move, for some reason Merlin started to feel better. Maybe it was the way Lance was very excited about basketball or maybe he was in need of some exercise. Soon Merlin was full of energy and he even found himself enjoying playing. He felt like he was actually a bit good and he even got a compliment from Lance which made him smile. Lance seemed a bit surprised at that. And for a good reason.
Still everything went wrong when they took a brake to mix up the players. He was in the same team as Arthur now and for a while he went with others, shouting to pass the ball to him and for the most times Arthur did and that made Merlin feel warm inside. But in about ten minutes to the game, Merlin felt his power drain fast and he couldn't find any strength to throw the ball as far as he had previously. His teammates started to make disappointed noises at him and he started to feel self-conscious again. But after a while he forgot all that when he started to feel weird… He didn't know what was this feeling. His legs were week and his head felt too clear. 'I… I can't be hard again, can I?' with this thought he dropped the ball he had just been passed on and someone near him snatched it fast.
Merlin really wanted to check his crotch but he couldn't touch it here to make sure, he couldn't even look at it. 'I can't let anyone see… I have to get out!' He dropped onto his knees and curled into a ball. 'How can I get out of here…?' He knew he would catch attention soon like this in a middle of a game so he tried to think a way out but he found none. Soon he felt Lances hand on his shoulder. "Merlin? Can you hear me? Are you hurting somewhere?" Merlin didn't know what to do but nod so he did. "Is it your stomach? Have you eaten something strange?" Merlin jumped to that and nodded again. "I'll take you to sit down for a bit..." Lances voice was kind and Merlin didn't even mind his hand around his shoulders as Lance escorted him to the locker rooms.
Merlin tried to walk in a hunched form and kept his hands around his waist as low as he could to cover himself and when Lance opened the door that led to the changing room, Merlin quickly sat down on a bench crossing his legs and lovering his upper body against his legs. Lance sat next to him. "Merlin, is everything alright? You seem to have lot of incidents in my class and I worry about you and your health. Is there anything I can do?" He asked with a worried tone.
Merlin felt bad for making him worry. He desperately wanted to explain that to Lance and he remembered the disappointment in his voice last time he asked the same question and Merlin found himself relieved that Lance still was worried about him. "It's just a coincidence. I just ate something bad…" He tried to follow the story Lance had practically given him. But Lance just frowned "I'm not just talking about today. You have been tired and not feeling well many times. I have seen you when you are fit and the contrast is too big for me to ignore." Merlin knew he was right. He knew exactly what times Lance meant. For a moment he felt like he should tell Lance everything. But the moment passed quickly and left Merlin feel scared he almost let his secret out.
"I… sometimes I don't sleep too well… and- and after that I sometimes feel a bit… bad." He couldn't say anything else. He was so tired of lying but he had no more truth to tell. Lance seemed to perk up a bit now that he got something out from Merlin. "Is there some reason why you are not sleeping well?" There was a moment of silence. They could hear the basketball game through the door. Merlin didn't know what to do "Lance, please, I don't have any answer for you and- and.. I'm sorry that I yelled you before… and even when I confronted you about Gwen… I don't really think you are that kind of person… I- I'm sorry." This clearly took Lance out of guard and he just stared Merlin for a moment. "It's alright… You did have rightful concerns and I cannot blame you for that."
Merlin rose just enough to look him in the eyes and said "Just this time… can I ask you a favour? Let me go this time. I promise everything is fine and I will sleep more… so…" He had to turn his gaze again and he heard Lance sigh. "Alright. You can go now. Take some time to feel better and I'll see you in next class. But promise me that if you have any trouble you will tell about them to someone. And remember I'm here for you. As your teacher but I guess, also as your friend." Merlin felt warm hearing this and if he could have risen from his position he would have hugged him. God knew he needed a hug now… "Thanks. I will." Lance smiled at him and stood to go back to his class.
When the door closed behind him. Merlin ran to bathroom and locked the door. He slowly turned his eyes toward his crotch and he let go his breath he had been holding with relieve. He wasn't hard… But still it made him nervous that he couldn't tell… His body was out of control and now he couldn't even tell when-
Suddenly the bathroom felt too small and he decided that he wanted out. He changed fast and left his stuff to Arthurs locker hoping he would take care of them until Merlin came back. He really didn't want to test if their class mates would rummage trough them if Merlin wasn't here the second the class ended. With that thought he left. He walked out of the school and out of it's premises. He walked fast until he didn't see the school anymore.
The area around their school was a nice hood. Small two story buildings were lined up on both sides of curvy roads and they all looked different. There were some small shops and a park nearby. Merlin felt really hungry now so he decided to enter one of the small shops which seemed to sell at least something to eat.
The shop was a small grocery store with a small desk filled with fruits and veggies and a shelf filled with few different breads and other stuff. The majority of this small shop was still selling candies and alcohol and take away snacks.
"How can I help you?" Merlin turned to see a young man with an apron behind the counter smiling at him brightly. He had curly brown hair, some beard and a carefree look. He was very handsome. "I- I'll take this…" Merlin grabbed one of the candy bars and an apple "And one beer please." The beer was an impulse and for a moment he wasn't sure if the man behind the counter would sell it to him.
"Just choose which one and hand it over." He said and smiled now looking amused. Merlin handed him the apple and the candy bar and turned to choose the beer from a tall fridge filled with various drinks. He had no idea about different brands so he just took the one with nicest etiquette. "It will be 3 and 75." The man told him and Merlin took his card from his pocket clad he had it with him and not in his bag. The man took it and put all of his stuff with a recipe into a small plastic bag.
"Thank you." Merlin said to him when he handed him the bag. "Any time." The man replied brightly if still looking a bit amused which was a little unnerving for Merlin. He left and tried to shake the feeling of wrongness from his shoulders. He wandered around for a while and finally to a park. He sat on one edge under a tree and ate. He felt a bit better after that and more connected to his body. He put the remaining of the apple in the plastic bag and stared at the beer. He was quite sure that the man in the shop had known he was minor and still sold it to him. Merlin couldn't take it home with him for he had left his bag to school so he had no other choice but to open it.
It opened with a hiss and he took a long sip. It wasn't good. Not in any way. It was bitter and tasted weird. Merlin took another sip. He soon felt a bit warmer and when he drank some more, relaxed. He knew it was not wise to drink away his depression. He had seen it many times. In small villages there was always an alcoholic or few and their village had not been an exception. Merlin remembered old Stanley who lived near the woods. He was always with a bottle and those rare times Merlin saw him outside of the tavern he remembered he smelled horrible. He was always grumpy and the only times when he was not, he was crying. Merlin wondered what had been his reason to drink. Had something horrible happened to him and would he himself become like old Stanley if he started to drink now?
He looked at his beer and took another sip. Right now, he didn't care much.
The beer traveled to his head fast. He was light and had never drank. He had no idea how much time he had before the bell would ring so he kept drinking quite quickly. He found himself smiling at many things. He found trees nice, clouds fascinating and some playing children adorable. It felt good. 'Maybe I could drink just sometimes… not very often…' he thought. Maybe just when it felt like too much or when he could be alone like this. Well, at least that wasn't very often….
He gulped last of the beer down. The taste wasn't so bad anymore… He let himself lay on the ground for a while just watching clouds. The ground was cold and hard and he knew he had to leave soon. He burped and tasted the beer again. He realised that he would have to hide the smell somehow or Uther would… he didn't even dare to think what. And his mother and Arthur… Merlin rose up and headed back to the store he had bought the beer from. When he stepped into the store he didn't see the clerk. He looked around but he was nowhere to be seen.
"Something else for you?" Merlin spun around and saw the man rise from behind the counter. So thats why he hadn't seen him the first time, he had been laying behind the counter, probably napping. That surprices Merlin and for a moment he could just stared at the man. "Hey! Don't look at me like that! You are the only one that have come here at this time of a day for ages!" He defended himself raising his arms in mock surrender. Merlin found it hard not to smile. "Can I have some gum? and um, can you take this?" He asked and put the empty can to the counter. The man smiled at him and laughed. "You should at least pretend to be on age if you want to buy beer, you know." Merlin was taken back for a moment but he couldn't be alarmed for long when the man was smiling like that.
"So, some strong mint for you then. I don't think we will want your parents getting a sniff of this." he winked and took a package of extra refreshing mint gum from the shelf behind him. "And from experience, brush your teeth and eat something smelly when you get home." There was humour and amusement in his tone that Merlin found hard not to like.
"Thank you… how much is it?" He asked but the man just wave his hand. It's .50, but I don't take card for sums under 2, so pay it next time you come by. "What if I never come back?" Merlin asked smiling knowing he would come at the first chance he got. "Then you have just made my meek income 50 cents smaller." the man said leaning to the counter. Merlin had to laugh. "So, kid, want to tell me your name?" Merlin hesitated for a moment but saw no harm on telling this man. He seemed nice and for some reason… worth of trust? Even Merlin didn't feel paranoid in this empty small place.
"I'm Merlin." He replied "Gwaine." the man said and offered his hand. Merlin shook it and he felt warm. He wasn't sure if it was because of the beer or because no-one rarely paid attention to him like this. Either way he liked this Gwaine character. "See you around, Merlin!" Gwaine told after him when he left. Merlin had seen a clock in the store and he knew now that he had 15 minutes to get back to school so he walked slowly and chewed gum as he went. The gum was so strong it almost hurt but he still stuck four pieces into his mouth and only threw them into a bin when he was back at school grounds.
The bell rang soon after that and he found his way back to the locker rooms. He zigzagged his way to Arthurs locker and took his bags just when Arthur came back from showers. Merlin tried not to look Arthurs bare chest too much, but not caring about that quite as much as he remembered that he usually did. "Merlin! Where did you disappear to?" Arthur asked as soon as he saw Merlin "I had a bit of a stomach ache and I went to see the nurse. I'm better now." Arthur seemed a bit worried so he tried to lighten the mood "Must have been the green slime we vegetarians had to suffer today at lunch."
Arthur relaxed but not entirely. It hurt Merlin to see Arthur feeling worried just because he was afraid he had a hard on so he continued "Thanks for not throwing my stuff out." with some humour. Arthur brightened a bit "I nearly did, you have any idea how hard it was to fish my towel under all of your stuff?" Merlin looked at him up and down once. One had to use the change when offered one. "No, because you are using my towel." This made Arthur blush, which made Merlin grin like a mad man.
"Well it was so hard that I had to use yours. It was closer…" Arthur mumbled, not very convincing and definitely not looking at Merlin. "Sure it was…" Merlin saw an opening and he was in a good mood. Maybe in a too good mood because of the beer. "Merlin, shut up." Arthur just said. Merlin grinned as Arthur turned to take his own stuff and threw Merlins bag and gym bag next to Merlin with too much force. Merlin was about to comment but realised just on time that it might not be the best of ideas. He was drunk…
"I'll go now…" He said instead and turned to leave to meet Uther. He didn't want to, but he couldn't just sit there and wait Arthur to start dressing. That would definitely be suspicious. "See you at home." Arthur said to him apparently all the previous stuff forgotten. Merlin sighed to himself. Arthur really was something… He never failed to make Merlin feel better. He really could live with just this. Just Arthur, being Arthur nearby.
Arthur felt strange. He had been focusing on Merlins absence for the most of the class. He had been worried and he nearly had stopped everything just to go to Merlin. When Lance had come back he had immediately asked him how Merlin was not caring how it looked like. When Lance had told him Merlin would be resting for a while Arthur had expected him to come back all class. When he had seen Merlins stuff in his locker Arthur had been really anxious. Where could Merlin be? And how was he? Arthur had taken Merlins towel on an impulse and when he had seen Merlin, he had felt like a rock had fallen from his heart. Merlin seemed fine and seeing him in good spirits made Arthurs world a bit brighter place to be, but he left too soon. Arthur would have wanted to talk with Merlin even a little bit more…
Arthur put on his football clothes and was about to fold his towel back to his locker when he stopped, realising that it was actually Merlins. He quickly made sure he was alone and sniffed the towel. It wasn't unused so it smelled a bit like Merlin in the corners he hadn't used himself. Arthur blushed. He threw the towel into his locker.
This was getting out of hand. He liked Merlin. A lot. His whole life he had been listening how gays are dirty and anything but acceptable in his home. He felt cold sweat in his forehead. Was he really gay? Or was it just Merlin? He made a lot of fun about how Merlin seemed like a girl but seriously he knew Merlin was nothing like a girl.
Arthur slapped his cheeks. He couldn't think this now. He had to concentrate. He was the captain. This much he knew. He liked Merlin too much for his own good and he had to think about this as soon as he was alone. With that he jogged to the gym and turned his brain to a football gear.
Merlin sat in Uthers car trying to breathe to any direction that wasn't near Uther. Uther did grope his ass a bit but not too much. Merlin had found a new pattern here. Uther wouldn't touch him so much after he had taken him last night. He wan't sure what to think about that, but tried to at least find it a positive thing in his misery.
When they reached home, Merlin jumped off from the car and went to his room before Uther could say anything. He was a bit hungry, but he would rather wait than face Uther. He waited for a while and thought of going to sleep. The maid had made his bed like everyday and he didn't dare to take his blanket to the couch yet. Without it, his couch didn't seem very tempting.
After standing in the middle of his room for a while staring at his couch, Merlin walked out from his room and straight to Arthurs. He closed both doors quietly and turned to face Arthurs room. It smelled nice and safe and before he knew it, he had laid himself to Arthurs freshly made bed. Arthur wouldn't be home in two and a half hours so he put his phones alarm to wake him in two hours and closed his eyes. The bed smelled like Arthur and it was warm and large and long enough for his legs. He took one corner of the beds cover to cover his legs and fell asleep. He slept better that in days and saw pleasant dreams about clouds moving slowly in the sky.
Arthur was in his car driving home. He had a lot to think. For a long time already Arthur had labeled his crush on Merlin a harmless thing that mostly just brought some happiness and motivation to his every day life, but now he had to look truth in the eye and stop kidding himself. This wasn't just a phase. He felt want and he felt worry. Not just that kind of worry that something had happened or that Merlin seemed unhealthy, but worry of Merlin when he was a bit tired or even just not where Arthur could see him. Even if there was nothing to really be worried about, Arthur felt like Merlin being in pain or sick hurt him a bit too.
And then there was jealously. Arthur had been jealous of Gwen, for being closer to Merlin than him and Vivian, Vivian! for getting a Christmas present from Merlin. Seriously! Arthur had been so sure that he wouldn't develop this kind of feelings anytime soon and wanting to kiss Merlin and- and sniffing his stuff certainly hadn't been on his list of possible happenings in his life. When had he become like this?
The answer was of course, quite a while ago. He wouldn't deny it anymore. It hadn't even been just because Merlin was his friend and nearby, Arthur could tell now that he was being honest with himself, that he had admired some good looking guys in the past and found many girls pretty, but he just hadn't thought anything of it. He hadn't been interested in dating or physical contact after all. But now there was Merlin. And Arthur had been looking at him like that a lot longer than he cared to admit to even himself. This should have alarmed him, but the more Arthur thought about it, the more he felt relief. He was starting to understand himself better and when he admitted to himself that he really had the same kind of feelings for Merlin that other boys had for girls, he felt that he wasn't in fact as different from the rest of them that he had thought. Yes, he wasn't the same they where because Merlin was also a boy, but the feeling was fundamentally the same.
And his father had been wrong. Something Arthur had known most of his life, but hadn't had anything he could single out from his fathers manners and opinions. He knew that being gay wasn't anything too horrible and now he could very well tell that his fathers prejudices weren't true. He wasn't girly and he didn't feel sudden urge to dress in flashy clothes. He wasn't some sex-crazed pervert nor was he dangerous to children and what not 'facts' his father had sprouted in Arthurs presence.
He also knew that many of his school thought that gays were ok, some (mainly girls) even romanticised the whole thing. Like being gay was this centuries Romeo and Juliet… Forbidden pure love, blah, blah… But the bottom line was, he now felt that he didn't have to find himself from either of those categories. Admitting to himself that he might not be straight didn't mean that he had to find himself from the stereotypes. It just meant that he was attracted to another male. Arthur knew who he was and liking Merlin hadn't changed his personality. He wouldn't let his fathers opinions hurt him nor let the views of his clasmates affect him. He would be what he was and no-one had to find out about it right? He also found girls attractive, so he would grow out of this crush on Merlin eventually and date a girl, right? Right… Arthur was a romantic deep down and he felt strongly for the first love thing.
When he drove to the garage, Arthur had to collect himself for a while. He leaned his forehead to the staring wheel and closed his eyes. He seriously liked Merlin. He wanted to see him smile, he wanted to touch his hair, he wanted to kiss him, he worried about him… It wasn't just that he had found out that he was gay or bi or whatever. He liked Merlin, maybe even loved? The word love did feel too strong and he wondered, could one even fall in love really when they hadn't even dated? He exited the garage and made his way to his room. His father had, as usual, locked himself in his home office.
Arthur threw his bag to the floor and was about to make his way to his desk to do his homework when he still had energy to do that, but then he noticed Merlin. Sleeping on his bed.
Arthur stared at Merlin for a while. What the flying monkeys was he doing here? Arthur wasn't in the wrong room was he? 'Of course I'm not!' Arthur felt a blush form into his face as he approached Merlin. 'I have nothing to be ashamed of… this is my bed!' He sat on the edge of the bed and looked at Merlins face. He slept so peacefully… 'Maybe he really is sick?' He thought and it hurt him inside. He didn't want Merlin to be sick… or at least not like this. Alone sleeping it away in his room. He wanted to take care of Merlin, to make him feel better. He brushed some of Merlins hair gently to feel his forehead. It wasn't hot… He was about to wake Merlin up, but then an alarm rang.
Arthur jumped up and almost lost his footing. His heart razed like crazy and he felt sweat form to his forehead. Merlin didn't even stir and Arthur found his temper. "Merlin you idiot! Turn that damn thing off or leave my room right now!" He almost yelled and shook Merlin by his side. Merlin opened his eyes with a snap and for a moment he looked...scared. And what hurt Arthur, scared of him. Merlin looked him straight into his eyes and Arthur let go of him. He took a step back just to get a bit farther away from those eyes.
Then something changed and Merlin sat up. He finally turned off his alarm clock and then he again looked at Arthur now looking… almost shy? "Sorry… I was supposed to wake up before…" Arthur tried to think of a joke about Merlin really not waking to anything, but all his attempts died in his throat. He just stared. He was relieved that Merlin didn't look scared anymore, but soon what he was really staring became Merlin himself. He now had a sleepy look and his shyness and ruffled hair and some marks on his left cheek made by Arthurs bed cover made him look so cute… Arthur just wanted to hug him.
Merlins weird look brought him back to his senses. "What- what are you doing here anyway?" He tried and Merlin seemed to relax a bit. "I just wanted to sleep for a while, that's all…" Arthurs curiosity won over his uneasiness "And you couldn't sleep in your own bed because…?" Merlin frowned and Arthur couldn't figure out why. "Just wanted to try yours." Merlin said and slid out from the bed. "I'm sure you have something to do so I'll just leave now."
Arthur wanted to stop him but he didn't have any reason why… Still… "Wait! I mean would you want to check biology homework with me?" Merlin stopped and looked at him curiously (or at least Arthur felt like that) and finally said "Sure, I'll just grab my books." and with that he was out of the door and gone. Arthur sat to his bed and breathed deeply in and out.
Merlin closed the door of his room softly. He managed to get to his desk but when he was trying to find his biology books, his legs started to give in. He had to sit down and breath. He shivered and he couldn't think straight. He had woken up to yelling. For a moment he had only seen Uther. It had taken some time before he could actually see past his fears and when he saw Arthur… He had felt so empty for a moment and now he was just relieved. Where he had tensed to the unexpected touch his sleepy mind had made to be Uthers, now felt warm where Arthurs hands had been. He touched his side and re-imagined his waking up. He replaced the memory of being scared with the thought that it really had been Arthur. That he had been sleeping in Arthurs bed and that Arthur wasn't mad at him. He felt warm and he smiled. It really had been Arthur.
Merlin would have needed more time to get himself stop shivering, but he had told Arthur that he would be right back, so he took his books and took a deep breath and stood up. He would calm down eventually in Arthurs room. Studying with Arthur was something he could do. That way he could enjoy Arthurs company without fearing Uther. Studying seemed to be Uthers blind spot, if something had got anything to do with studying, it couldn't be wrong. Maybe Merlin could take some advantage of that fact this year?
Arthurs door was still open so Merlin didn't have to knock. Arthur had gathered his books and was sitting on the floor next to his couch. Merlin smiled at that. This was a whole different way of studying. And in this case different felt refreshing and welcome.
A/N Finaly, Gwaine! My favourite knigth. Now the story will really kick in! I was a bit late today with my update... I was camping for two days and I remembered about ten minutes before we left that I won't have any wifi in the middle of the forrest... Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and see you on saturday!
And again many thanks for those who reviewed, you are my motivation and you just make me so happy :)
mersan123 Glad you liked the Lances thoughts, he has the role I have most personal experience of even if I have taught younger children (from ages 7 to 12 mostly). Merlin is now really held by the fear of Uther, that is the way it works. It's not just that it's horrible when Merlin is being hurt, but that Uther controls him with fear. In every action Merlin takes the first thought is always 'What Uther thinks of this? Can he see me? Does he know what I'm thinking?' That is why these kind of crimes are so horrible. But at least from now on we will get a bit more this kind of cute moments between Arthur and Merlin :)
Guest Wow, I'm so happy to heare that this story has not been moving forward too slowly... I kind of feared that when I first started to publish... Also very nice to hear that you enjoyed the part with Lance, I had not planned that originaly, but it was fun to write because I could went some of my own experiences from teaching to that :D I hope you will like the big reveal when its time comes, I can't wait it either!