The corner became safe haven for Merlin. It was the high point of his week when he could leave the school, go to see Gwaine, talk to him for awhile, get his beer and spend a bit over an hour in the corner leaning to the stone wall in some strangers garden. He had come to terms with skipping school, he even enjoyed the rebellious feeling he got now. The school seemed to be a place where he was appreciated only if he did what he was told and when he didn't fall in the category of normal, he couldn't help but feel the school a cold meaningless place which couldn't help him. It was the same as his 'home' really even if he wasn't so scared there.
Merlin had lost his interest in knowing things. He studied less and thought more the sky he saw through the branches. Arthur had continued to cover for him which Merlin was more thankful he could ever tell Arthur. He didn't dare to go every week… He didn't want to burden Arthur too much and he had to go to class now and then if he wanted to even pretend he cared.
But not going out was hard. It was like weekend canceled for normal teenager if he couldn't go. Merlin kept going with a thought of getting out the first days of week and kept hoping it was already next week the rest of the time. Sometimes when Uther hadn't come to his room for the night previously he had the strength to follow Arthur to history and shallow his disappointment of having to wait another week. But when Uther took him, or even just touched him the night previously, Merlin found that he couldn't stand being still anymore. He had to go out, he had to get a beer and just forget for a second. He knew he was addicted and it vaguely concerned him even thought he wasn't so sure if it was more the corner or the alone time or the alcohol he was addicted to. And seriously how did it matter anyway?
Merlins weight had gone up a bit. He had better appetite and the beer and sandwiches he ate in the bushes helped him to gain some weight. That too gave him more energy and he was feeling better nowadays. Some days he even helped Arthur to plan his football practices in the garden without feeling tired. His school work was falling behind bit by bit, but he wasn't too much behind so he didn't really care and mostly he was still in the top five students even if he only did the bare minimum. The only subject in the danger zone was history. He hadn't been in too many classes lately after all… and this years history book had been one of the first Merlin had used last year to distract himself, so it had been a while since he had read it.
Arthur seemed happy to see Merlin outside and gaining a bit weight and that too made Merlin happy. Like this, he could take Uther fucking him at night. But still Uther was his black cloud looming behind him in every action he did. He never knew when Uther would take those handcuffs that Merlin had become to fear more than anything. Handcufs and everything new. Uther was unpredictable and that kept Merlin on his toes all the time.
And when he was not afraid, his quilt ate him from the inside. Like he didn't deserve to be this happy. He imagined every time he was sitting in his corner of the wall that Arthur sat besides him and kept him company. He wanted to talk to someone, but there was no-one he could talk to. His want to tell Gwen of his sexuality was completely gone and while he had thought of telling Gwaine a couple of times, he didn't dare to. He wasn't sure if Gwaine cared about him enough to actually listen and while Merlin sometimes felt that maybe Gwaine wouldn't judge him (he seemed quite liberal person) he couldn't be sure, so he stayed quiet. He still enjoyed Gwaines company and he often thought of what he could talk to him about during the week.
Arthur had seen the change in Merlin. After Merlin had started to skip history, he had seemed like he had more life in him. Arthur of course enjoyed the change, but he couldn't stop himself from wondering what had made the change. First he had thought that Merlin could just enjoy being outside of home other than school, but soon it didn't seem to fit somehow. Arthur had never been too good at figuring out things like this and he had never had much interest in finding out what people were doing other than they told him straight, but this was Merlin. He had heard some of his friends talk about how Lee had turned annoying when he had gotten himself a girlfriend. (A shy girl who saw something in his somewhat outgoing but lazy team mate that obviously nobody else saw) Arthur had to wonder, did Merlin have someone he liked now? Could it be that he went out to meet someone?
After that thought he had noticed that sometimes Merlin seemed to laugh or smile at something that no-one else got and when Arthur had asked him once, Merlin had just brushed it of as something that 'someone' had said. Arthur wasn't happy to hear that. In a way he knew it would be better if Merlin would find himself a girlfriend so he himself could give up on him, but somehow it didn't seem to work that logically. He didn't like that Merlin didn't tell him who this 'someone' was and he didn't like the idea of Merlin having a girlfriend. He didn't like that Merlin went without him to do something he didn't even care to tell what it was while Arthur wrote his name on histories attendance list and pretended to do every pair work with him while he wasn't even there. Wednesdays sucked in Arthurs opinion.
The spring was getting there. There was already warmth in the sun and some brave leaves had started to sprout. Arthur actually left his jacket in his car one morning because the parking lot was so warm. It was wednesday and Merlin seemed, again, overly excited. "Skipping history again, Merlin?" He said without humour while they walked. His comment made Merlins smile drop and Arthur almost regretted that he had said anything. Almost.
"Sorry… I know you have been doing me a favour and I'm thankful…" Merlin kept his eyes on the asphalt and now Arthur regretted he had said anything. It wasn't that much trouble writing one name on a piece of paper and really, their teacher wouldn't probably notice if the whole class room disappeared if there was someone left to write all the names down…
"I don't really have to go today… " Merlin continued hesitantly, but it hurt Arthur to hear his devastated voice so he replied hurriedly "No, no it's alright, you go." Merlins face lit up like a candle "really?" He sounded so ridiculously happy that Arthur had to look away "Yeah, yeah, stop making it a big deal already." He wondered what could possibly be so important to Merlin and he felt tightness in his chest for thinking it wasn't him.
Arthurs day didn't improve much from there. He felt blue all morning and when it was time for another boring history lesson sitting by himself, his mood sank from where it had been until Merlin caught up with him in the hallway. This wasn't unusual, Merlin usually asked him just before history if Arthur could sign his name again. Today Arthur just hadn't been expecting that because he already had promised Merlin he would do it.
"You ok? You have been sulking all day…" Merlin asked and Arthur faltered in his steps. Was he really so easy to read? "Ah, just stuff for practice… " He wasn't very good at lying to Merlin but Merlin seemed to accept his half assed explanation and nodded now seemingly happy.
His smile was nice but it didn't help Arthurs mood much this time. "Alright. I'll be going now, but thank you. Really." Merlin said with warm voice which made Arthurs heart jump a bit. He looked at Merlin who smiled at him and put his hand on his shoulder. "See you at home." He said with a bit quieter and softer tone before he left removing his hand from Arthurs shoulder.
Merlins hand had been there just for a second but Arthur felt warmth rush into his chest. Merlin rarely touched him in any way. Even now, he dropped stuff into his hands rather than actually passing then to him. And with that last smile… Arthurs day was saved. He spent most of his class recalling the sensation of Merlins hand on his shoulder and remembering his smile. His football practices went great and when he arrived home, he was ready to face Merlin who might or might not have a secret girlfriend.
Merlin left the school felling energized. The thought of when Arthur would get fed up with his actions had been bugging Merlin from the second time he had asked if Arthur would cover for him and for the most of this day Merlin had been worried when Arthur had seemed to be in a bad mood. Even if he had said that it wasn't a big deal. Merlin could have left as soon as the class before history was finished but he had to make sure Arthur wasn't mad at him. It had turned out that Arthur was worrying about something in football. That wasn't surprise because there was flu going around and many of his team mates were sick. That had been a relieve for Merlin. It seemed he had gotten worked up for nothing after all.
Merlin looked at the hand he had touched Arthur with. He didn't let anyone touch him these days and he was very careful not to touch anyone either, especially Arthur. Partly because he had developed a feeling of uneasiness with even a very normal kind of touch like handshakes and now that he had avoided it, touches in general felt foreign and uneasy and sometimes even scary. The second reason was that he felt he was unclean and he didn't want to touch anyone. He somehow even felt that maybe someone could tell how dirty he was if they touched him. And Arthur… He didn't dare.
Every time he he did, he felt like he was betraying Arthurs trust. Sometimes Arthur still ruffled his hair or put his hand on his shoulder… The touch meant so much more to Merlin and he felt he was making Arthur do something he wouldn't want to if he knew what it meant for Merlin. Still he had done that and he was actually a bit pleased with himself that he had been so spontaneously about it and not very conscious. He had just tried to thank Arthur, nothing more. Still his mind kept mocking him for feeling that his hand was still warm where he had made contact with Arthur. 'I'm pathetic…' He thought and tried to forget the whole thing.
Gwaine was sitting behind his counter today when Merlin arrived to the store. "Hullo! Hows it going today Merlin?" He greeted him cheerfully and Merlin smiled at him. He was now used to Gwaines strange sense of humour and could feel welcome and confident in his presence. "Nothing much… My friend kind of started to go out with my gym teacher, so she has left me to rot at lunches alone." Gwaines interest seemed to perk at this "Your gym teacher… Please tell me it's not Mr. Burke… " Merlin laughed at Gwaines expression and wondered (not for the first time) how Gwaine seemed to know so many things about his school. Had he gone there also? But it was a hideously expensive school and Gwaine at least made his best effort not to look like he was from a rich family.
"No, we have a substitute. His name is Lance." He somehow felt confident that Gwaine would never tell anyone so he felt safe sharing his friends secret. And it wasn't like Gwaine knew who Gwen was. He hadn't even told her name just to be sure and Gwaine never asked. "And he's young, I suppose?" Merlin had noticed that certain topics caught Gwaines attention easily. Normally he would have thought that he was after gossips, but there was just something that made him seem genuinely concerned.
Merlin tried his best to explain "Yes... and it's not actually like going out like that, they mostly talk and play some football and I'm not even sure that they would admit to even themselves that they are dating. I just call it that because they actually are." Gwaine seemed to relax but Merlin knew he would ask about them another time in a 'by the way' manner, Merlin liked to call it in his head. Gwaine tented to do that.
"Nothing much here either, the granma with hideous perfume wants to marry me." Merlin laughed at this which made Gwaine grimace. "Well, always clad to make you enjoy my misery." There was an elder woman living nearby who often visited this little shop. She seemed to have taken liking of Gwaine and he rarely bought more than one item, but never failed to show her face once a day at least. Merlin had seen her once and after she had gone he had made Gwaine laugh by commenting her overly strong perfume.
Merlin and Gwaine kept talking for another ten minutes but then Merlin wanted to leave. He would love to spent more time with Gwaine, but he needed his own time in the bushes. If he had all the time on the world it would be different but, well, he didn't. "It will be 5,60" Gwaine said and handed him his regular small plastic bag. Merlin didn't even ask for anything anymore. Gwaine just gathered what Merlin wanted and he was always happy with what he got. He still felt uncomfortable asking for beer and this way he didn't have to. He guessed that Gwaine knew this. Maybe he had other customers like Merlin?
Merlin said his goodbyes and Gwaine replied with a 'see you next week!'. Merlin was smiling and feeling carefree when he walked his now well established route. When he was there, he vaulted himself to the wall and dropped to the ground from the same place he had gone the first time. The branch he had broken made a wonderful hole that one could only see from above. Merlin made his way to his usual spot and took his jacket from his back to sit on and started to eat his sandwich. It was tuna this time. Merlin liked Gwaines sandwiches and he had actually made a pact with himself that he could eat meat if Gwaine had made it. It wasn't like he had any reason not to if nobody at home knew. Only not boiled eggs. There was just something in that smell...
He opened his beer and again just leaned to the wall and looked up. These bushes were one of the brave ones and there were tiny leaves sprouting from the ends of the branches. Merlin liked them because they hid him even better and it was like his hideout was getting a ceiling and walls. There wasn't any leaves in the middle of the bushes so it made a perfect place for him.
Then something unusual happened. Merlin had never seen anyone in the garden but now there was an old man, carrying a ladder with him. Merlin tried not to move and see what was happening at the same time. The man didn't seem to notice him at all and he was concentrating on getting the ladder stable to the ground. He then went back to the house and soon came back with a bucket and some other window cleaning supplies. He was obviously going to wash his windows in the second floor and Merlin felt a small panic. 'I should have left when he went to get the bucket…' He checked the time nervously. He had to be in school on time… But he didn't want to be seen so he decided to wait until it was absolutely necessary to leave.
After a while of watching an old man cleaning his windows he dared to move again. He continued sipping his beer but he kept his eyes on the mans back. Then the man dropped his rag and made a move to catch it which made the ladder move dangerously. Merlin made a move towards the garden. He couldn't let an accident happen before his eyes. He knew how dangerous it was to fall from a ladder. When the ladder started to slide to the left towards the stone wall, Merlin was quickly up and he ran trough the bushes to the ladder to stabilise it.
He wasn't very strong but he could slow the ladder enough for the old man to get his balance back and to take a hold of his window frame so the ladder didn't fall. Merlin panted half because of the physical effort and half because of the excitement. The old man slowly pulled the ladder straight again with Merlins help and climbed down.
"Who are you?" The stern question surprised Merlin at first but then he just felt guilty. He was a trespasser? Someone who was using this mans garden to drink and hide from school? "I- I'm..." He opened his mouth with no idea what he was going to say "Answer me!" the old mans tone was commanding and it made Merlin answer right away "I'm Merlin". The man didn't look pleased and he continued "What are you doing here?!" Merlin knew defeat when he saw one "I was in your bushes, I come here every week." he didn't know what else to tell him. "Are you lying to me boy?" The mans voice was now lower and it seriously made Merlin scared. "What do you want me to say?" He asked desperately. "The truth." the man looked at him straight in the eyes in a way that made it impossible to look away. "It is the truth. I have been coming here to sit in the corner of the sone wall and drink when I'm supposed to be at school." Merlin felt ashamed and he could tell nothing but the truth to this man who owned the place he was right now the most fond of in the whole world. The man seemed to look straight into his soul and when he apparently didn't see any lie in him, he seemed to calm down.
"Alright then, boy." Merlin sighed in relieve. "You wont say anything about…" He made a vague move towards the bushes with his hand. He had to know if his school was about to receive a call of what he had been up to. Maybe he shouldn't have been so honest… "No." The man said and Merlin felt all his tension go away. Merlin was about to go to get his stuff and be gone when the man interrupted him "Although, Merlin…" This made Merlin freeze in the middle of his step. "I should say, thank you." The man made a smile that told Merlin that this was his first smile in a long time. He tried to nod and smile back, but he didn't quite make it. "Come along, I'll treat you some tea. If there aren't any more of you in my bushes?" Merlin shook his head and the man looked pleased. For some reason Merlin didn't feel scared of this man so he crawled to the bush to get his bag and his half finished beer, which he tried to hide as well as possible from sight. He again felt shame for drinking.
The man looked at his hand pointedly and Merlin showed him the beer. "That is not coming to my house. There is a bin over there, go throw it out." He couldn't argue to the mans tone so he did just that. When he returned, the man looked a bit pleased and held his door open for Merlin. The house was a bit dim and dusty but clean. There were books and papers and all kinds of mismatching stuff lying around every surface but one small table next to a window. "Please, sit." The man told him and Merlin sat to one of the two chairs there was next to the table free of papers and books. Merlin guessed this was the table used for eating in this house.
The man made his way to the second floor and for few minutes Merlin had time to think if this was wise at all. He was in a strangers home, and he had no idea what was going to happen. Of course the man was old and not very scary looking apart from his extremely straight teacher like commanding voice and those eyes that seemed to make anyone tell the truth. But what did he have to say about anything being wise anyway? He was skipping school and drinking and lusting over his stepbrother. And what could possibly happen? Would the old man hit him or drug him or make him suck his dick? The possibilities were quite low and for the most parts, he had experience already.
His dark thoughts were interrupted when the man came down carrying a tray with one pot of tea and two mugs and some cookies. He didn't seem very stabile so Merlin rose up to help him with the tray "Thank you my boy." He sounded kind now and Merlin felt guilty for thinking this old man would harm him. They both sat down and the man poured them both some tea. "I never introduced myself… My name is Gaius." He told Merlin and Merlin smiled at him politely. He felt even more relaxed now that he knew his name. This had no logic behind it but still.
Gaius asked Merlin some basic questions and told some basic thing to Merlin as well. Merlin learned that he was an ex-doctor who was now retired. He lived here alone and after he had gotten over his shock of teenager popping from his flowerbed he seemed to enjoy company. Merlin found that he also enjoyed the old mans company and when he finally remembered to check the time, he realised he was already late. "I have to go! Someone is picking me from school." Gaius seemed to understand and didn't look bothered that Merlin practically ran to get his things. "If you want to come again, I wouldn't mind." He said. This made Merlin extremely happy. "Can I come again next week?" He asked him and Gaius smiled "Yes. But no alcohol!" Merlin nodded at him and opened the door. With a quick goodbye he ran all the way to the school. He wasn't that much late but he was sweaty from running and out of breath and he knew Uther would make him pay for making him wait, even if it was only ten minutes.
"What kept you boy?" So it was back to being boy and not son, but that actually made Merlin relieved. Not being summed under the same word than Arthur, actually was something that made him sure that Arthur had never had the same treatment than Merlin. That was something Merlin held high importance in the state of the universe.
"I was talking to a teacher…" He lied. He had learned at least something from Arthur. With Uther it was sometimes better to lie because he didn't really hear anything past what he wanted to hear. "I hope it was something positive?" He asked while opening Merlins belt "Yes. He thanked me about helping him before the class." He lied thinking Gaius thanking him while Uther slipped his hand into Merlins pants. Merlin closed his eyes and squeezed his hands into fists to stop himself from moving. "That's good." was the only thing Uther said before driving off.
He continued to grope Merlin and Merlin felt himself again grow hard. Would this ever end? His previous good mood was swept away and he felt shameful again. Saving someone from injury didn't feel like anything anymore and was easily wiped out to make way to the horrible feeling he felt when he heard Uther make a satisfied sound when he let go of Merlins stiff thing. Merlin closed his trousers quickly not caring how tight his trousers felt. He watched the scenery change without really seeing anything until they were home. He wished he still had the rest of his beer with him.
Back at his home Gaius thought about Merlin who had come out of nowhere to save him. He regretted a bit for shouting to the poor boy who seemed to be a bit fragile. But to be fair, Gaius had taken quite a fright when he almost fell. Still, he hadn't even thanked the boy straight away. He gave a short laugh. He had enjoyed the boys company and he found himself actually looking forward to next week. That was something he hadn't felt in a long time. Gaius had taught some classes in university in his years and he didn't approve of cutting class but for some reason Merlin didn't seem like the average lazy teen who didn't know what was best for them. The beer did fit that picture but somehow that also seemed forced, so Gaius was willing to let it slide this time. 'If I catch him drinking another time, I'll give him hell.' he decided.
'Maybe I should try to clean a bit if I'm expecting company…' He wondered but knew he would leave it to the next week anyway.
The next week Merlin came, as he had promised, he had dropped to visit Gwaine and had bought some cookies instead of the beer and told him he would go visit Gaius. Gwaine seemed to recognise the name and that made Merlin even more relaxed and happy he had saved the man. Gwaine was also pleased that Merlin didn't buy any alcohol this time but said nothing to Merlin.
Merlin walked the same route he always took and only when he was standing next to the stone wall he realised that he shouldn't go this way. He circled around the house and went to knock the door they had entered the last time. It took a while for Gaius to come to open the door and Merlin had time to suspect that he wouldn't come at all. "Come in, my boy. Sorry to make you wait, I never have any guest coming from the back door…" This made Merlin blush. Of course. This was his back door. How stupid of him. Fortunately Gaius didn't seem to mind and he already had some tea ready. He looked pleased to see the cookies Merlin had bought.
They talked and laughed and Merlin learned new thing about Gaius even though Merlin didn't share much more he had the previous time. He enjoyed the elder mans company and he got the feeling that Gaius felt the same. When Merlin had to leave he promised to come next week again when Gaius asked a bit timidly if he would.
After that Merlin came every week. He didn't give a damn anymore if he never went to history, his classmates could think whatever they wanted. Gwaine commented to him that he seemed to have more energy "Even though you seem to enjoy odd company." he commented with a smirk. "Yeah… I seem to visit you a lot too…" Merlin shot back which made Gwaine laugh. Somehow that small moment made Merlin see he had actually made a friend. Two friends. Gaius always had tea for him and even on the days Merlin was sore and hurt from his encounters with Uther he found the tea made him feel as good as the beer and just the smell of Gaiuses house made him feel warm, safe and relaxed. He was now more like himself. Funny and happy and laughing with no pretend or sarcasm. It felt a bit weird and quite distant that he had used to be like this most of the time just two years ago, but he soon got used to the feeling.
After few visits he offered to help Gaius with some small tasks like cooking or cleaning or tending his garden. He was happy to help and he liked to repay to Gaius somehow.
Gaius liked Merlin. He was a good kid and he helped him a lot. For years now he had been lonely and suddenly he wasn't anymore. He had never had any children but now he felt like he had one. When he had told Merlin this, Merlin had smiled like a sun and actually hugged him. Gaius had learned that Merlin was smart and Gaius liked to tell him things he had taught about anatomy and biochemistry which Merlin seemed to first reject but slowly seemed to catch on. When march turned to april, Merlin asked him questions and seemed to really understand what he was talking about. This made Gaius happy and he looked forward of seeing Merlin everyday.
Still he had this nagging feeling that there was something Merlin wasn't telling him and his gut told him that is wasn't anything pleasant, but there was nothing he could do but wait until Merlin would make a move to tell himself. He was a stranger after all. And how bad could it be? Merlin was not by any means deliquent and he didn't seem like a person who would get himself into a real trouble. Maybe Gaius was just over thinking. At Merlins age things tented to feel bigger than they actually were, so even if Merlin wasn't telling him everything his biggest problem could be a love triangle at school or a lash out with his best friend. Gaius hoped that Merlin wasn't bullied, it was the most likely thing he had come up with, but he knew that Merlin still had friends so he had just redied himself to be there if Merlin felt that he wanted to talk with Gaius about anything. He had also given Merlin his phone number just in case. Merlin had not used it yet.
One day at home after visiting Gaius, Merlin found himself from his couch reading a text book just out of curiosity. Gaius had rekindled his interest in science and he felt like himself and more whole again. He had something to wait for and he felt like he was useful for someone. When Gaius had compared him to a son he never had, Merlin had felt the same. Gaius was the closest thing he had ever had of a father before. He never knew his father and Uther… just no.
Gaius made him feel proud of the things he could do and he taught him new things. Merlin didn't even feel uncomfortable hugging him. He had done that just once but it had been natural and made him happy that he could still actually trust someone like that. Even Will (who Merlin had started to call more frequently again) was easier to talk to and Merlin felt like they had more fun now that he was more like himself.
Arthur had picked up Merlins good mood and now he was sure that Merlin had a girlfriend. Merlin had actually once slipped that he was going to someones house when he had asked Arthur to (again) pretend he was his partner in some discussion project. Arthur wanted to be angry at Merlin and ask him directly who was this mystery girl he was visiting, but he never really could. There was this lump in his throat and he felt just pain in his heart and not even annoyance. He tried to tell himself everything was better this way but he couldn't really make himself believe that either.
So there Arthur was, sitting in a boring class alone being the sucker who couldn't say no to Merlin who used him so he could go and meet who-ever-it-was. 'I hope she at least is a beauty' he thought bitterly looking out of the window not even pretending to be interested of the others in the glass room.
But today he was surprised by Gwen who sat next to him. "Hi." She greeted him looking straight ahead. "Mm, Hi?" Arthur wasn't sure what she wanted. It was rare she spoke to him without Merlin being near. "Do you know what Merlin is up to?" Gwen went straight to the point still not looking at Arthur. Arthur had been sure that Merlin would have told Gwen who he was meeting in secret so he was surprised and it took him a while to make up an answer. "I don't know. Isn't that something you girls would talk together about?" He finally said trying not to sound bitter.
Gwen looked at him disappointed and Arthur had to explain her everything he knew. "He mentioned once he was going to someones house… That's all I know, really." he said with a sigh. Gwen also sighed and now looked worried. "He doesn't talk to me. I tried asking what he was up to, but the only thing I got out of him was that he needed some alone time and that he had met someone called Gwaine. He seemed pretty happy about that."
Arthurs heart made a nasty twist. Gwaine… he had never heard about this before. That was certainly not a girls name which actually should make him happy but still… why had Merlin kept it secret? What was going on? Could… could Merlin like guys? It would in a way make sense but it made Arthur hurt. Even if that was the case he would never have a chance with Merlin either way. Still somehow it hurt more to think Merlin with another guy than girl…
"I have never heard of that." He said sounding somewhat sour. Gwen again looked at him with more questioning expression than worried. "I was so sure he would have told you…" This made Arthur look at her surprised. He had thought exactly the opposite.
The class had already starred and someone gave him the attendance list. He quickly wrote his and Merlins names and handed it to Gwen. Gwen looked at him again with a question clearly on her lips. "So you are covering for him even thought you don't know where he is?" She whispered to Arthur. She didn't sound mean so Arthur didn't get angry and just replied. "He seems so happy…" Gwen nodded at that. "Yes. I have seen it too. First I thought that he was mad at me for not spending so much time with him…" she blushed a bit "But well, if you are not worried, then I shouldn't be either. He seems happier and I guess that I have a bad habit of getting worked up for nothing. I live with Elyan after all…"
Arthur smiled at her attempt of lightening the mood and he felt better in a certain level but his chest felt tight. He wanted to know who this Gwaine was. He hoped it was nothing, just someone he had met by change… a friend. For the first time he actually feared that someone could take Merlin away from him completely. He had been uneasy and bitter for the mystery girl who might or might not exist, but now there was a name, Gwaine, and that made Arthur really fear he would get in between his and Merlins relationship. That Merlin would forget Arthur and be friends or even love someone else. He wanted to see Merlin...
Merlin was helping Gaius to clean. He was currently standing on a chair sweeping dust from the high shelves Gaius had in his living room full of books. Gaius was upstairs making something that smelled good. Gaius had started to make him lunch at some point and Merlin appreciated it. He liked Gaiuses cookings. And he had added Gaius to his list of the people whose cookings he would eat even if they contained meat. He found it hard to tell him that he was a vegetarian. It felt awkward and uncomfortable because he really wasn't and because it would just be an inconvenience. Still eating meat had felt foreign at first. It was something in the taste… Few slices of turkey was somehow different than eating hot stew or lasagna that contained meat.
When Merlin was ready with the cleaning, he took an anatomy book from the shelf he found interesting and started to read it. He knew Gaius wouldn't mind, he seemed to like it when Merlin showed interest in his lifework (which shouldn't be that much of a surprise). Soon Gaius called him up to help him carry the food downstairs.
The apartment wasn't the most practical. The kitchen was in the second floor next to Gaius bedroom and the stairs were steep. But Gaius had lived here for 20 years and he wasn't going to move just for the stairs. He claimed they kept him fit. That and the horse riding he did every saturday. Merlin thought it was cool that Gaius had such an uncommon hobby for his age and he wished he could go someday to try it. Gaius had actually asked once if Merlin wanted to come with him but he had to decline for obvious reasons.
Merlin ate with Gaius and they talked about the book Merlin had been reading and again, too soon, Merlin had to leave. "Take the book with you. You can return it next week." Gaius told him and Merlin put it into his bag and thanked Gaius. He would read it at home and they could talk about it next week.
When utter came to pick him up, Merlin was miles away. He sat next to Uther but he was mainly thinking of the wonders of human anatomy and how Gaius would be pleased and proud of him when Merlin would have read the whole thing by the time they met again while Uther stroked his tight. He walked in autopilot to his room and was about to take Gaiuses book out when he heard his rooms door close. He looked at Uther in fright as he kept coming closer to him. Merlin was frozen. It was unusual for Uther to come to his room this early but now he was here and Merlin was painfully aware of the fact that there was no-one at home.
"How have you been?" Uthers question seemed innocent but Merlin was petrified and he couldn't even answer before Uther continued. "There is something you are not telling me…" This made every alarm in Merlins head go wild. He didn't know what Uther was referring to so he didn't know which lie to tell and he had no idea what Uther already knew so he just stood there when Uther pulled him close and squeezed his ass.
"Where is this place you have been spending your money, hmm?" He asked while his hands wandered inside of Merlins shirt. Merlin realised in a second that Uther was talking about Gwaines shop. Of course, he was a minor so of course Uther could see what happened in his account… he was even the one who had given Merlin all the money. "Tell me the truth…" There was a threat in Uthers voice that Merlin knew too well. It told Merlin that if he wouldn't do as he was told, Uther would take him right now, hard and possibly painfully.
"I… I sometimes buy some- some vegan food from a store nearby… sometimes the food in the school… is not very good." He tried. He had to. Uther seemed to think about this and this few seconds made Merlin feel faint and he was sure that if Uther wouldn't say something soon, he would brake down and tell him everything. "I see… You could have just told me. After all, I'm one of those who fund the school, I can make thing happen in there." This could have made some poeple impressed but Merlin only felt terror. Perhaps that was Uthers goal all along. He gave one final squeeze to Merlins ass and then made his way to the door.
When Uther was gone, Merlin sank to the floor. He had to be more careful. He had to get some cash, he couldn't use his card anymore, he- he … He had to breath.
Merlin took few slow breaths in and out and his head started to clear. Always when he had found himself used to Uther he did something to throw Merlin of balance. He couldn't trust anything that happened to him and every time Uther made a change, Merlin was scared. He hoped Uther wouldn't come to his room tonight, but somehow he had a feeling he would. Hunith was again doing night shift and she wouldn't be home until tomorrow. Merlin didn't know what to do. And there was nothing he could do. Uther would come or he would not. Merlin could cary on as he usually did, it didn't really matter. Nothing Merlin did really mattered in this house.
Merlin didn't want to read anymore so he wandered to the garden. He tried to find a spot that resembled Gaiuses garden but he couldn't find one. All the bushes in Uthers garden were low and trimmed to perfection. The only place Merlin could find was a nice spot under a three. He sat there for a while, but it didn't feel right. He was still anxious and he didn't feel safe 'Why couldn't my mother marry someone like Gaius…?' He knew it was pointless to dwell, but he wished Gaius was his father. He felt like a father to Merlin even if he was too old for that.
After wondering this for a while he decided that Gaius would be his father figure from now on. He didn't have to be his actual relative or relative trough marriage, that was what he felt and thats it. His feelings were so all over the place that it didn't make much difference anyway. He laughed at himself a little without humour. His father figure was a retired doctor who he had met because he had drank in his garden, his love interest was supposed to be his brother and his closest friends were a girl who dated his gym teacher, his childhood friend who he hadn't seen in years and a lazy shop keeper. The only normal relationship he had, was that to his mother and even that was tainted with lies. 'And the fact that I'm being fucked by her husband.' Merlin thought bitterly.
He watched how some birds jumped around in the garden and felt everything was far away and the world just looked surreal to him. He was so cut off from everything that he couldn't even feel being part of the world anymore. But feeling like this, empty and surreal and dull was actually better than what he normally felt so he just sat there, watching the birds.
Eventually Arthur found him there (the tree was fairly close to the field Arthur trained and the garden was annoyingly open) and invited him to play. Merlin partly played partly simulated the team while Arthur made him do some new practices he had invented. Merlin had to admit that even he had learned a thing or two about playing football and he could actually do some pretty neat stuff now. He wished he could show this in his home village and to Will. They would have been blown away if Merlin had done this stuff when he was still living there. He missed that little village and those times. Especially those times, but even if he went back there now, the times wouldn't come back and he would just end up like old Stanley. Drunk and bitter.
The dinner time came too quickly and Merlin had to adjust himself to the night again. He wasn't ready and he felt terrified when he had to step into his room. In a way he knew that Uther wouldn't come until after nine when Arthur went to sleep and most of the times not until at least ten, but he couldn't just wait calmly. He tried to read the anatomy book but it didn't help. 'I wish it would be over already…' he thought when the clock wasn't more that seven. There was nothing he could do to make a difference and that distressed Merlin.
When Uther actually came, Merlin was almost relieved. Now he knew what would happen and then it would be over. Uther told him to take his clothes off and Merlin did just that in autopilot, not really caring anymore. Uther made him suck his dick and Merlin knew he would vomit again after Uther was gone. Uther pushed him to bed and made him face the mattress. Merlin closed his eyes and let it all happen. He remained calm when Uther took the lube out and he didn't panic at the cold touch or when Uthers thing pushed his entrance. He just bit his lip when Uther started to cares his thing and he didn't even flinch when he heard Uthers camera.
He tried to be indifferent but then something went wrong. Uther was gentler than normally. He whispered thing in Merlins ear Merlin didn't really want to hear and he touched Merlin. Merlin felt himself going hard. He tried to will it away but it didn't work. Soon Uther hit something inside him and Merlin couldn't help himself from making a sound. It wasn't from hurt, more like from feeling good in a way Merlin had never imagined before. He felt himself getting closer to climax and he tried to stop Uther from touching him further but it was no use. He came. He felt himself pulsate and he tensed more with every wave. He saw his semen spread and it made him sick. It wasn't even that pleasurable. He had climaxed before when he still touched himself and it was like pleasure building slowly, now it felt more like it was forced out of him and after that, it really started to hurt.
Every movement Uther made hurt like it had never before. He had to bite his pillow in order not to cry out. His body moved with Uthers thrusts and his own cum made his stomach sticky and the smell was strong. He could taste Uther in his mouth and still his own semen didn't smell much different. He hated it so much… He hated himself.
It didn't take long for Uther to come. Usually he would come inside Merlin, but today he pulled out suddenly which hurt too and made Merlin yelp. Uthers load came on Merlins back. It felt too hot at first and then cold. Merlin felt his ass burn. Uthers load was running from his back to his sides and he it felt revolting. "I see you enjoyed yourself… You have been a good boy lately." Ironically Uther calling him 'good' made Merlin feel a little bit better. He wanted to be good and maybe then Uther wouldn't hurt him so much… But when he heard the lock of his door open and then close again, he just felt shame. He was laying in his own cum and his back was stained with Uthers. He felt sick...He ran to bathroom and vomited.
After he could stand again he tried to clean himself but shower didn't seem to be enough. He scrubbed his skin until it hurt but nothing helped. He couldn't shake the feeling of himself coming no matter how much he tried. There was nothing he could do to deny it. He had come and even if it hadn't been so good, he couldn't shake the fear that in some level he had wanted that. He hugged his knees and rocked himself back and forth trying to calm himself down. He tried to find a way to tell himself that it was just an accident but there really was nothing he could do to make himself calm down.
Finally he again slept on his floor next to his couch. It wasn't comfortable. It was not like he couldn't sleep in his couch, but he just wanted to feel uncomfortable. It took his mind of what had happened today. He didn't sleep well but it was what he wanted. In the morning he felt that the whole world was gray and he didn't really care about anything. He didn't eat breakfast and he didn't speak to Arthur who clearly wanted to talk with him. Something about Gwen was mentioned but Merlin couldn't make himself to care and eventually he pretended to fall asleep just to avoid Arthurs questions.
The rest of the day was dead to Merlin. He vaguely thought that he wanted to go to meet Gwaine and Gaius, but he felt too ashamed to face them and his visit was not until next week anyway and that made him even more depressed. In his mind he played over and over again what had happened. He hated and even feared his own body, especially his private parts. He even avoided bathroom just so he didn't have to touch or see his thing.
At lunch Gwen was going on and on about some party Merlin had not even slight interest in. "Come on Merlin, it's also your party! We never really celebrated your birthday…" She tried to motivate him but the only reply Merlin could give to her was something like "Hmmf." Gwen eventually gave up not seeming happy at all. Merlin dully noted that he would have to make up an excuse or apologise but right now he couldn't really make himself to care. He didn't have energy for that.
Merlins last class was double biology today. While he couldn't do the same as he did with history, he knew his teacher liked him and today he decided to take advantage of that. He had to get away. He needed something to make him forget. So he told his teacher a story of wanting to get one particular book of anatomy (the one he already borrowed from Gaius) and asked if he could go to get it from the library. His teacher said yes, if he would be back as soon as he had gotten the book because she happened to like anatomy and human biology the most. (She had made her major of kidney infections and had wanted to be a doctor but in the end teaching had been more of a call for her) Merlin felt guilty that he used something that was important for his teacher (she was a good teacher) to slip away from school, but he felt so strongly that he had to get away that he still did it.
He avoided Arthurs and Gwens gaze when he walked out of the class room as they walked in. When he was alone, he started to run. He ran until he couldn't see the school anymore. After that he walked straight to Gwaines shop. He would have ran all the way but that was as far as his sore hip could make it. Gwaine was there (of course, Merlin had learned in past weeks that Gwaine actually owned the place and he was the only one working there) and looked surprised to see Merlin practically ran into his store.
Gwaine looked at him curiously at Merlin and he felt self conscious for a moment, but he had only a limited time so he went straight to the business "I need some alcohol I can take with me. Something strong." Gwaine looked even more surprised. Merlin hadn't bought any alcohol in weeks now and to ask something stronger than beer with this kind of urgency in his voice… Had something happened?
"Any particular reason why?" He asked not quite comfortable to sell Merlin anything too strong. That had kinda been his agenda all along to monitor Merlins drinking… or at least that had formed to be his excuse for his conscience. "You never drank anything stronger then?" Merlin asked hitting Gwaine to his weak point and knowing it.
Gwaine made a face at him but couldn't really argue, Merlin was now too much a friend to him so he couldn't really pretend that he was some authority now. He wasn't sure if he was pathetic or not for making friends with a teenager almost ten years younger than he was, but he guessed there was no helping that now. He sighed. "Alright… I can't really argue to that. Anything you have in mind?"
Merlin had to think for a moment. He didn't know what he wanted and he wanted to ask Gwaine what he liked but it seemed too weird. Then he remembered the party Gwen had been talking about "My friend will have a party, I would like to take something there." This made Gwaines expression soften. Parties were exceptions and he was actually pleased that Merlin was doing something normal for his age.
"Then take some wine, I myself like this red wine in particularly. It's not the most cheep one but not so expensive either." Merlin smiled at him relieved that Gwaine bought his lie. "It doesn't matter." He decided to buy it with card and take the risk. He definitely needed some cash soon… "Just remember to share it with your girlfriend." Gwaine teased. Merlin blushed feeling slightly pleased that he seemed someone who would have a girlfriend even thought he knew Gwaine was joking.
He paid for his wine while mumbling something about giving some to his friends and put the bottle as deep into his bag that he could. "Thanks, I have to get back to school now… I'll visit next week again." He promised before running off again. He ran all the way to the school and to his class. His muscles and lungs screamed at him all the way and his bottom felt bruised by the time he stopped just outside the class. He hoped that he wasn't bleeding again from there.
Before he opened the door that lead to the class room, Merlin took a moment to calm his breath. When he walked in he just nodded at the teacher and avoided looking at anyone else. He was careful when opening his bag so no-one could see the wine bottle. He pretended to be very interested every time his teacher looked at his direction but in reality he had no idea what she was talking about.
When it was finally time to go home he did his best not to look at Uther who for once didn't touch Merlin which was a relieve. When Merlin had closed the door of his room, he immediately took his wine bottle out. He didn't have any glass in here so he just opened the bottle which luckily (or not, Gwaine could have thought about that) had a screw cap and drank from the bottle. The wine tasted strong and bitter but he took a long sip from the bottle anyway. He sat on his couch and drank few sips.
Gwaine hadn't been cautious for nothing. Merlin was light and the wine was strong. Anything stronger would have made him puke and even the wine was too much for him. Merlin hadn't even drank two portions worth when he had to stop and lay down. He made himself hide the bottle behind his couch before he laid down but that was when his thoughts ended. He felt pleasantly empty. Like he was floating in space and the fact that he was still in his room didn't matter. He was tired and warm and his head felt fuzzy, like he was spinning. He had what he had wanted, to get away from his self loath for now. He knew this wouldn't actually solve anything but just for now…
Before Merlin closed his eyes, there was a thought floating in his head 'So that's why he drinks… to keep the present from catching up to him…' and a picture of his home villages drunk in his mind. Finally Merlin slept and he slept well.
A/N Hello! Many thanks for those who answered my question about how much I should write about Gwens and Lances romance! Mostly the responce was that it wouldn't be very interesting so I will not write more than I already have. Their developement will just be mentioned but I will not write anything from their perspective. To be truthful, I myself am not that intersted either. I liked Gwen in the show, there is nothing in her that irritates me and I feel that it's fair that she gets one of her true loves and since Arthur is out of question (duh)... But that's kind of that. Again many thanks, I find it very nice that I can better my story still when I publish and modify it to meet your, my dear readers, tastes. You are, after all, the reason why I'm here. (It's not like I don't know how this story is going to end...)
And again a huge thank you for those who have taken their time to leave a review! You know how in many fanfictions the reviews are mostly short and not very informative? Well, my reviewers are the best! They really take the time to make me comments and encouragements and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it. Many of you have told me to keep up the good work and I always think 'right back at you!'. You are awesome, thank you for your support!
mersan123 You are the champ of making me happy when ever I upload a new chapter! And it is very much alright to look those moments as cries for help because that is exactly what they are. Merlin is really not alright and skipping school, drinking and self harm are all signs that we adults should notice and understand that something is teribly wrong. Right now those near Merlin don't see it, but Gwaine who is a stranger can see that somehow Merlin is acting differently that most of his age do. When I did the last proof reading to this chapter, I went trought the same 'why can't somebody notice like right now something, anything!' -feeling. The worst of the two being when Merlin cut himself. Even if he didn't pass out(which would have been, his legs raised and all, a sign of so severe blood loss that he would have propably gone to a shock and could have died), if some-one had come to his room, the blood on the floor and he sleeping his legs up looking pale should have been kind of a give away...
Angel Dove1 High five for you my fellow Gwaine-fan! :D Great that you felt with our hero, I put a lot of effort to get the feeling to my writing while avoiding to make the scene too melodramatic... I have never quite understood mental brakedowns in ff that have been made really angsty and dramatic. It's not like mental brakedowns are cool...
BluesAvalon I agree that there are many ff that kind of go crazy with the selfharm... I have many reasons for the selfharm scenes and Merlin sertainly has every reason to resort to it, but in reality, self harm is not about reason, it's about feeling and it does not suit everyone. At all. And feeling the need to hurt oneself is not the same thing that wanting to die... To Merlin it's about control and when he felt that he could really die, well, that was exact opposite of control. I'm very happy to hear that you found my approach fresh, it means a lot :)
MillaMaxwell12 You are so right, Arthurs mother would be pissed big time! I hadn't even thought about that actually, but of cource she would! She seemed so gentle the one time she was seen in the show... I have been dying to post these next few chapters, there will be developement, I promise! And btw, I watched the movie you recomented but lets talk about it more later ;)
LordOfTehRainbow I was so moved when I saw that you had followed me, faved me and even reviewed me! Thank you! And your praise was very flattering, I hope so much that you will like all the twist and turns that I will make :)
Skypeoplephoenix732 That was one impressive curse! I especially liked the larvae part :D Awesome that you like my version of Gwaine, he is my favourite knight so I have written him quite a big part in this story. In the tv-series Merlin also had to hide a huge secret and a part of himself and I always wanted even just a little bit more Gwaine who seemed like he would totaly understand and not judge at all. So here he is and Merlin really lucked out. There are ton of ways for teenagers to get alcohol and not nearly all are as safe as this arragenment.