When Merlin woke up, his head hurt and his throat was dry. But he felt different from the morning and that was all he had wanted. He drank from his bathroom tab and felt better immediately. He had to hide his wine better so he started to search a hiding place. It was not an easy task. The hiding place would have to be Uther, mother, Arthur and maid proof.
Finally he remembered that his and Arthurs closets were connected. There were two doors, one door on Merlins side and one at Arthurs side. In between them was a threshold and when Merlin opened his door and tried it out, the wine bottle fit perfectly in between the closed doors. Merlin was pleased. No-one would check this place. The doors had not been opened in ages. There were boxes of Morganas stuff still in front of Merlins side and he was sure Arthur also had something he kept leaning to the door on his side. He even tried Arthurs door but it was as locked from the inside as Merlins door had been. He felt satisfied. Now he could drink when he felt like it and he had a perfect hide for his alcohol. Maybe he could buy some for taking home in the future? Maybe he could buy that one beer from Gwaine every week and store it in his closet for when he needed it? He had come to miss beer whenever Uther molested him. Maybe he could just have some here. It wasn't that much more dangerous than drinking in some strangers garden…
Merlin found comfort of the possibility of having alcohol here in his room but for now, he was still tired. He slept on his sofa until Arthur came to wake him up for dinner. Merlin was happy to see his mother and he pretended to be normal as he ate his vegetarian meal and concentrated on not breathing to anyones direction because he wasn't sure if his breath was stinking. He vaguely made note that Arthur was asking a permission to go to Gwens party but it didn't really interest him much until he heard Arthur mention his name. "...and Merlin could also come with me. I'll drive and you can have a night alone then." Arthur smiled sweetly at them, something Merlin didn't see too often. This was a whole new level of talking Uther to let them do as Arthur wanted. Still Merlin was about to protest for a second until he realised that this was his change to get out of the house. When Uther and his mother actually agreed, Merlin had to try hard not to look too excited.
On the following day Merlin had to pretend he was going to the party for Arthur and that he wasn't going for Gwen. He had no intention on going, he had to convince Arthur to drop him somewhere. Maybe even nearby school so he could go to Gaiuses garden again. Even when he hadn't been drinking because he had promised Gaius, he still liked the bushes and was quite sure Gaius wouldn't notice if he went there from the walls side like he had used to. The bushes were in full leave now so once he would be there, no-one could see him. That would also be a safe place to be drunk. It scared him a bit to think himself drunk in the park or other place where someone could try to talk to him or even do stuff like Uther did. So the bushes it would be then.
When the saturday came, Merlin was ready. He had the rest of his wine in a shoulder bag along with his present for Elyan (it was Elyans birthday party which Gwen had insisted on makin also a late celebration for Merlins birthday). He followed Arthur to the garage after assuring his mother that the party would be quiet and that they would be home safe. Hunith had dressed nice and Merlin knew she and Uther were going to some place fancy. He was happy that his mother had some fun but he didn't like the fact that she was with Uther and he had to force the thought of his memories with Uther from his mind. He hated that he was betraying his mother with her husband and that he could do nothing about it. In fact he wasn't even sure whose fault that was anymore. He thought about his wine and that gave him strength. When he sat to the car next to Arthur thought, he felt guilty. He saw that Arthur was exited that they were going together and while Arthur chatted about something, Merlin wasn't really there. It took until they were half way to Gwens house that Merlin finally spoke.
"Leave me here, please." Was the first thing Merlin said to Arthur that night and it seemed to take Arthur by so much surprise that he actually slowed down and stopped the car. "What!?" was his comment to Merlins request the second the car wasn't moving anymore. "Leave me here and come pick me up after the party, please." Merlin tried to be more clear and stay calm at the same time. His voice came out like he was talking to a five year old.
Arthur looked like a question mark and from the look in his eyes he wasn't going to let Merlin go anywhere. "You want to wander alone in the middle of the city instead of going to Elyans birthday party? To your party!" Merlin felt ashamed but he really couldn't face Gwen and pretend that he was having fun when there were people. He wanted to be alone. "You can pick me up from here whenever you want. Just call me when you are leaving." Merlin knew his voice was pleading but he didn't care.
Arthur frowned. He knew Merlin wasn't telling him everything and he was reminded of the mystery person Merlin was seeing during their history class. "Are you going to meet somebody?" He asked a bit annoyed and dreading for the answer even though he had to know. Merlin was caught by surprise and he had no idea what Arthur was up to. "…No… " He replied while a picture of Gaius and his garden flashed in his mind.
Arthur seemed to get even more annoyed. "I'm not leaving you here alone. I promised my father that I would take you to the party and I will not lie for you this time." Arthur was pissed. He took Merlins hesitation that Merlin was still keeping secrets from him and that made him angry. Merlin looked at Arthur in disbelieve. Of course he knew that Arthur had done a great deal for him and that he really couldn't ask for more, but he felt there was something else to this. Arthur was making it a too big of a deal.
When Arthur made a move like he was going to start the car again, Merlin decided that it was time to be truthful about something at least. He opened his bag and took his wine bottle out. He felt shame as soon as he saw Arthurs eyes widen in disbelieve. "You-" Arthur started but Merlin felt his own temper boil and he snapped, mostly as a self defence mechanism than anything else "I just need some time alone, ok!" Arthur just stared and Merlin started to feel stupid for his outburst.
"You drink?" was Arthurs finnished his question after a long pause. Merlin sighed. The question wasn't very intelligent seeing how he had just shown Arthur an opened wine bottle, but it left no room for a lie either. "Yes… sometimes." He had to turn his head to another direction but he still heard Arthurs surprised tone when he asked "So you pretended to go to your own birthday party so you could go to some park to get drunk?" Merlin felt ashamed and when he nodded he kept his gaze low and as far from Arthur as he could. "Well, I'm not letting you wander around drunk. What ever could happen to you and I'm not taking responsible for that." Arthur tried to sound like that was his only concern but he was actually shocked and he felt great concern for Merlins safety. Questions like 'when?' and 'why?' were circling in his head. Where had Merlin gotten the wine? From the mystery person, Gwaine? Had Merlin been rejected or something and that was why he was drinking? Or was he trying to seem cool to Gwaine? Or to someone else?
Merlin hunched his shoulders and he looked uncomfortable. Arthur couldn't really take that and he felt guilty for being so harsh. He sighed "Fine. You can sit in the car if thats so important to you." Merlin seemed to brighten up a bit, more than Arthur had seen in few days actually, but he also looked deeply bothered. It surely wasn't nice to hear his situation like Arthur had put it… and maybe he had hit a nerve or Merlin was really depressed about something? Arthur wanted to make things better for him so he continued. "I'll stay with you. I know a place we can go…" Merlin looked purely surprised now and Arthur had to concentrate on the road when he started the car again and made a sharp turn. Concentration also helped him not to blush under Merlins wide eyes.
Arthur drove to a cliff he liked very much. He had found it once when he had taken a wrong turn about half a year ago. He liked the way he could see the area where he lived from higher ground and the sun was setting so the view was even more breath taking than usual. He tried to remind him that this was not a date but at the same time he couldn't stop himself from thinking that if this was a date, it would definitely be worth missing the party. The now orange sun made Merlins eyes reflect golden light and he looked beautiful in Arthurs eyes.
Arthur was just telling himself to stop staring when Merlin opened his bottle. Merlin took a long sip and seemed to relax a bit. They didn't say anything to each other for a while. Merlin took few other sips from his bottle and looked at the setting sun, never even looking at Arthurs direction.
For awhile Arthur kept looking at Merlins silhouette and Merlin kept looking at the view. After some time had passed Merlin turned to Arthur, offering his bottle to him. Arthur thought 'why not?' and took a sip from the bottle. He didn't really enjoy the taste and he blushed when he realised that the bottle had actually touched Merlins lips. Fortunately Merlin didn't seem to notice when he passed the bottle back and took one more sip himself. "So is this the place you usually take your dates?" Merlin asked lightly. He was a bit drunk now and he felt light and not as uneasy as usually. He was sure he would regret everything he said to Arthur right now but then again, it was hard to care right now.
Arthur blushed and tried to mumble something about that he didn't really take anyone to dates. This made Merlin smirk and he made a short noise that could easily be mistaken for a laugh. Arthur knew he was blushing now but to his luck Merlin still kept his eyes on the scenery. "Many girls would love to be here with you, you know." The alcohol made Merlin feel again and when he watched the sun set he felt like there was colour in his world again.
Arthur didn't really have anything to say to him, they had talked about this with Gwen what seemed like forever ago and his situation hadn't changed much from that. Still he took the topic and used it as an excuse for asking from Merlin "What about you then? Where do you take your date when you are supposed to be in history?" Arthur had wanted to sound nonchalant but his voice still came out sounding annoyed. Arthurs heart was pounding in his ears and he waited to hear something about this Gwaine character Gwen had mentioned. Merlin was in a middle of another sip from his bottle and he almost got the wine into a wrong pipe. He coughed a little before he could reply. "What?!"
Ok, that wasn't the most intelligent reply but he didn't know where to start. That he didn't date? That he mostly helped an elderly man weed his garden or dust his shelves? That he wasn't even sure if he could still date anyone at all? That even a thought of letting someone close to him physically scared him? That he was in love with Arthur?
Arthur frowned at him so he had to say something at least. "I don't go to dates, I wouldn't ask you to lie for me just so I could go to meet some… girl." He really had to concentrate on the word 'girl'. The wine was really catching up on his brain.
Arthur relaxed and Merlin interpreted from his body language that Arthur had been annoyed at him because he had thought that he had a secret girlfriend and that he had used Arthur for that without even telling him any of it. Actually, in a way he had done that just minus the girlfriend. Merlin suddenly felt really guilty for not telling anything to Arthur who was doing him a great favour. "I go to meet some friends. If you want you can come with me some times…" He offered from the bottom of his heart. He would be happy to introduce Arthur to Gwaine and Gaius. He had mentioned him many times so he was quite sure that they would like to meet Arthur too.
Arthur was surprised and happy. That Merlin would take him with him made butterflies dance in his stomach. It also started to really sound like Merlin didn't have anyone… "So I would get to meet Gwaine then?" He wanted to see Merlins reaction to the name. That, and he didn't want to sound as interested in going that he actually was.
Merlin looked a bit embarrassed and blushed a little. Arthur frowned a little which Merlin didn't again, luckily, see because he was concentrating on his toes. "I don't remember that I mentioned him…" His heart was razing. If Arthur knew Gwaines name and he still referred it as a date… Could he know something?
"You didn't. Gwen told me." Arthur sounded again a bit annoyed and Merlin sighed. He had really messed this up. "I'm sorry for not telling you. Originally I just wanted some time alone and I ended up meeting Gwaine and we kind of became friends… It wasn't that much of a secret, I just didn't… I don't know." He hoped that Arthur didn't suspect him being gay and so he had refered Gwaine as a friend but he honestly didn't know how to explain his visits to Gaiuses house. He couldn't really tell him that he had been lurking in his bushes now could he…
"Can I come next week?" Arthurs question saved him from explaining and he beamed. "Yes!" He wasn't sure if he looked too hyped up by this but he blamed it on the wine again. Seeing Merlin so excited made Arthur happy. He felt warm inside. He wanted to kiss Merlin… Arthur had to look away from Merlin and concentrate for a moment. He listened Merlin rant about something or other about some store and garden and tea. He wasn't very coherent on his story and Arthur guessed it was the wine.
Speaking of the wine… "Did you get that wine from Gwaine?" He asked. From what he had gathered, this Gwaine sounded older (which Arthur wasn't sure if it made him happy or not). "Yeah." Arthur nodded at that. "So he is your friend?" Arthur was pushing the topic but he needed to know. Merlin didn't blush this time which made Arthur pleased "Yeah, I guess he is." Merlin relaxed to his seat and took another sip from his wine. Arthur was a tad worried of the pace Merlin was drinking but he didn't really have any experience of how much one could take wine before puking. He had just heard his friends tell about their adventures with alcohol because he had never even tasted alcohol until today. Merlin offered him the bottle again but Arthur refused. He had to drive after all.
After one more sip, Merlin closed the bottle and placed it on the floor and they both just watched as the last of the sun set behind the city. Soon Merlin started to feel drowsy and Arthur wanted to tell him something before Merlin would fall asleep on him. "You know… you are my best friend." He had never been very good with this kind of stuff so he just said what he wanted to convey.
Merlin opened his eyes sleepily and turned his head partially to look at Arthur. "I guess that you are mine too." He said sincerely and closed his eyes again. Arthur felt encouraged by Merlins reply so he continued "I mean I never quite felt you were my brother… I- you were a friend and now… I think you are the best friend I could ever have…" He wasn't sure if he wanted to make this known to Merlin or if he just needed to convince himself that he wasn't sitting in a obvious date point with his brother wanting to kiss him while he was drunk. He didn't really wait to hear a reply. In fact he wasn't even sure if Merlin was still awake so he jumped a bit when Merlin interrupted his thoughts with a sleepy voice "Whatever keeps us together forever…" Merlin let out a long breath and then he clearly fell asleep.
Arthur could just stare. His heart was beating fast and he felt warm inside. He repeated Merlins words in his head and he blushed and smiled and just felt happy. Even if he could never actually date Merlin this was definitely worth missing the party! He had been so unsure of where he was standing in Merlins life and this was the best he could have heard.
He watched Merlins sleeping face and he took every detail in. He wanted to kiss him so badly… But he couldn't. He just didn't dare and even if he did, it wouldn't be right. He still stretched his hand out and let his fingertips run from Merlins forehead to his cheek. Merlin didn't make any movement and Arthur smiled a bit. Merlins skin felt warm and soft and Arthur wanted nothing more than to gather Merlin in his arms and let him sleep against his chest.
Instead Arthur sighed and climbed out from his car and took his cellphone out. He searched Elyans number and called to him to tell that they couldn't come after all. Elyan was disappointed and when he handed the phone to Gwen she wasn't pleased either. "I thought that you said you could make Merlin come with you?" she was so disappointed that Arthur almost told her that they would drive there right now. Almost. It's not like he could have presented them a drunk Merlin.
"Sorry, Merlin is having a flu… He's sleeping right now." He didn't like lying to his friends, but right now it made things a lot easier. Gwen immediately sounded sorry. "So that's why he has been so distant for days! I should have noticed… Will he be alright?" She sounded genuinely worried and Arthur felt bad for making her feel like that. "It's nothing serious, I'm sure he will be fine after he gets to rest for the weekend…" Gwen sounded relieved when she told him jokingly that now she had to go to face the angry mob who had wanted to celebrate Merlins birthday as well. Arthur wished her luck before saying goodbyes.
After his phone call Arthur looked at his car and Merlin who was sleeping soundly in the passenger seat. He felt his chest tighten. He wanted to touch Merlin so badly… Arthur took couple of deep breaths and walked around a bit. He didn't go far, he wanted to see the car all the time incase Merlin woke up and it was quite dark now that the sun had set.
He returned to his seat only when he was cold (It was still too early to be warm after sun had gone down). 'What am I going to do?' He thought to himself. He felt he couldn't control his feelings anymore and doing nothing didn't seem possible anymore. He thought about his father and Hunith… what would they say? Hunith would probably want him as far as possible from her son and his father… would go nuts if he found out thats for sure. Not only because of the homosexual thing, but because this kind of thing between brothers would bring 'shame on the family' as his father had used to tell him about every little thing he had done wrong when he had been a child. And if ever, Arthur felt that those words were justified in this situation.
Arthur had also grown up with his fathers temper and he knew how harsh he could be. Morgana had fought with their father many times and in his childhood he even remembered once when his father had hit Morgana. That wasn't pretty. To Arthur it hadn't been surprising that Morgana had moved as far as possibly from home when she could.
Arthur wasn't that extreme, he was loyal by nature and he had tried his hardest for a long time to impress his father. Until Merlin that's it. He remembered when Merlin had told him to think for himself and everything he had done after that, had felt different. He wasn't playing football to please his father anymore nor did he stress so much about the subjects he really didn't like that much. He didn't try to be something he was, not anymore, nor did he take his insecurities or frustration out on others. Merlin had made him a better person and Arthur knew it.
He turned to look at sleeping Merlin and smiled. He was something entirely different, something Arthur had never even dared to wish for himself. He had read stories of true friendship and love when he had been a child, but in a way he had always been sceptic of the idea and after people around him had started to get interested of dating and sex and stuff, he had given up the idea altogether. His own lack of interest on the topic made everyones stories sound unpleasant to him and constant drama his mates were having with girls didn't sound too inviting either. And while he did have good friends… Well, before Merlin he didn't have anyone he had felt he could trust so completely.
'I love you…' Arthur thought while watching sleeping Merlin and now it sounded right to him. Love… he really was in deep. Huniths reaction and his farther wrath worried him but what really made him terrified was Merlin. What would he do if he found out? He could imagine Merlin looking at him disgusted, angry, scared…
His stomach made a nasty turn when an actual memory surfaced. He saw Merlin looking directly at his eyes terror in them when Arthur had shaken him awake. It still hurt and Arthur still wasn't sure what had made Merlin look at him like that. He knew one could take a fright when waken abruptly, but that had been something else. Arthur remembered how Elyan had woken up when Oliver had shouted at his face. He had jumped up like he had seen a demon and yelped, but Merlin had been nothing like that. He had tensed not even making a sound and looked at him straight in the eye looking more scared Arthur had ever seen anyone be. He hoped that he hadn't been the cause. He had shaken Merlin and he knew Merlin didn't like to touch anyone but it wasn't anything Arthur hadn't done before…
Arthurs mind played him an imagined situation where Merlin looked at him with the same eyes screaming at him 'Don't touch me! You are sick!'. Arthur shivered and his heart tightened. It felt terrible and he promised to himself he would do anything to prevent that from happening. He looked at Merlin who hadn't moved even a millimetre from where he had fallen asleep. Arthur wanted to stroke his hair and sit closer to him but he didn't. His imagination had made sure of that.
He looked up to where the sky would have been if wasn't sitting in the car and wished his father had never married Hunith. 'Of course then I wouldn't have met Merlin…' He felt a bit better with that thought. He would rather have things like this than not meeting Merlin at all. 'Whatever keeps us together forever.' Merlin words echoed in his mind and he smiled. He felt much better and he repeated the words in his mind over and over again. Yes, whatever it was he would have to do he would do it to keep them together. In his case it probably was something entirely different that Merlin had intended it to be, but Arthur felt that the feeling behind the words was fundamentally the same. They were best friends and Arthur would take that.
Merlin woke up in two hours time. His throat was dry and he had a slight headache. The inside of his mouth tasted like something had died in there. He wondered how he smelled and tried to breath to another direction when he realised Arthur sat right next to him. Arthur had noticed him waking up and was now looking at him with a small smile on his lips. Merlin was sure Arthur would tease him about a thing or another, Merlin knew fully well how many different opinion he had given Athur to choose from. Arthur however said nothing. He just passed Merlin a water bottle he usually kept in his car with the rest of his basic football stuff that were always there. The water tasted like plastic but Merlin didn't complain.
The water did wonders and his headache started to dull. He passed the bottle back to Arthur who kept smiling at him warmly. Merlin blushed a little. Arthur was very handsome when he smiled like that and Merlin turned to look out from the passengers side window as an excuse to hide his blush. "What time is it?" He asked and Arthur answered. "Should we go back home?" Merlin asked not really wanting to leave but he knew they couldn't just sit here either and while the wine had made him feel better with himself, he really didn't want to go to the party. "Maybe soon… but would you like to have something to eat first?" Arthur suggested and Merlin was happy to say yes.
They drove to a cafe that was open until midnight and ordered some cold drinks and sandwiches. Merlin told Arthur that he had to try out Gwaines sandwiches (they were way better than these basic 'we are open after nobody else is, so we can sell what ever we want' kind of sandwiches). Arthur was a bit happy how Merlin was talking to him about his new friend and he joked that he would if Merlin treated him one. That made Merlin remember that he needed cash and after they had eaten, they searched for the nearest cash machine and Merlin used one for the first time in his life. He took out two hundreds so he wouldn't have to do this for a while and Arthur confessed to him that he also used only cash because his father had a nasty habit of following his card trail too. This made Merlin a bit relieved. So somethings weren't just because he was gay.
When they drove back to home, Uther and Hunith were already asleep. The house was dark and Merlin and Arthur tiptoed to their rooms. Merlin felt now relaxed and light. The wine had done wonders to him. Like he had been able to reboot his systems and spending time outside the house with Arthur always made him feel better. Arthur had again saved him from himself and Merlin wished he could do something in return.
His good mood lasted even when he had to say goodnight to Arthur with hushed voice but when he opened his own door and saw his room he just felt sick again. He saw his bed and he shivered. His couch was too near of it and he could smell all the smells that he connected to sex with Uther. They were probably his imagination but they still made him feel like the walls were closing on him. He made a decision and walked fast to his made bed. He wasn't going to sleep here tonight.
He grabbed his pillow and his blanket, made his way into his closet and grabbed one of his pyjamas and walked out of his room closing the door behind him. He felt better right away after the door was closed, but he continued on his decided route immediately so he wouldn't change his mind. He knocked Arthurs door softly. It took only few seconds for Arthur to open his door but in those seconds Merlin almost ran back to his room at least four times.
"Forgot something?" Arthur was surprised to see Merlin. He had just been changing to his pyjama when he had heard a knock on his door. Arthur saw Merlins eyes drift down from his face without answering and he suddenly remembered that he didn't have any shirt on. "Ah, mm, sorry I was just changing… Come in, I'll be umm, yeah." He left his door open and disappeared to his closet closing the door behind him.
'Way to seem normal…' Arthur mentally kicked himself for being so stupid. And what was that 'smooth' response?! God! He was doing a brilliant job today of keeping Merlin from finding out that he had feelings for him. First he had practically taken him to a date and now he was blabbering like an idiot and blushing. He should take him to dance next time!
He quickly put some old t-shirt on and returned to the room finding Merlin sitting on his couch. Merlin had his blanket and pillow on his lap so Arthur could guess what he would ask but he still wasn't really prepared to it when Merlin asked "Can I sleep here tonight?" Arthur felt his pulse speed up and his face heat. He tried to fight all the images of Merlin sleeping in his arms away hoping Merlin had some kind of vision how he wanted to sleep while answering "Yeah, sure." He managed to sound calmer than he felt at least.
Merlin smiled at him briefly and threw his pillow to one end of Arthurs couch and his blanket to the other end. "Mind if I use your bathroom?" Merlin asked already half way in there. Arthur just nodded and when Merlin closed the door and locked it, Arthur silently face palmed himself. Of course Merlin meant the couch when he said 'here'. He was sitting on it! And Arthur knew Merlin at least slept on his own couch sometimes… In somethings Merlin was just a bit weird. One could even call him eccentric.
When Merlin came out from Arthurs bath room he had a long-sleeved button up pyjama with full length pyjama pants. It was dark blue and had few stars on it. Merlin looked so cute in this clothing that Arthur had to laugh at him. Merlin made a face at him but continued to amuse him by taking few poses that made the pyjama look even more ridiculous and overly big with his thin frame. Arthur had to sit down to laugh and Merlin felt all his worries go away.
Soon Arthur started to tire and he pulled his blanket up to his waist. He felt a bit too hot with his shirt on but he would suffer from that first than be half naked in Merlins presence. He didn't have that much self confidence. Merlin was now lying looking satisfied on Arthurs couch. He stretched his legs as far as he could and told him happily that Arthurs couch was longer than his. Arthur wanted to ask if Merlin always slept on his couch but he didn't dare to. Arthurs evening had been an emotional roller coaster and it was late for him. He fell asleep knowing Merlin was sleeping just two meters apart from him. He wished Merlin would sleep there every night.
Merlin felt calm but oddly awake. He breathed in the smell of Arthurs room. The smell was fresh and made him feel freshened unlike his own room (which existence he tried his hardest to forget). With his mood high he even let himself remember how Arthur had looked standing just half a meter apart from him without any shirt. How his chest muscles had looked like, Merlin really did enjoy Arthurs body type, and how his chest hair were blond like his hair and oh God, how hot the trail of also blond hair coming from Arthurs pants forming a triangle up to his navel was… Hmm... how nice would it to see Arthur play football without any shirt on…
Merlins head was a bit cloudy still from the wine and he blamed that for his lack of self control. He had actually just knocked Arthurs door and without saying anything at all he had stared at his bare chest. 'I have to make sure not to drink in front of Arthur. Ever again.' He thought and hoped that Arthurs momentary embarrassment wasn't caused by his staring. But in the end Arthur had been normal and Merlin had managed to make him laugh with ease. With Arthur he was most self conscious and most carefree, most happy and felt most hurt. Arthur made him feel stronger about every little thing. He made normal things fun and his world a bit brighter place to be. Merlin wished so much that he could be normal. He wished that he could be some of those girls who clearly only watched football matches because there they could ogle at Arthur.
He breathed in Arthurs scent from the cushion and he couldn't help himself from thinking that maybe even this had some good sides to it. Even if someday he would have to watch Arthur get a girlfriend, to get married, a family...
Merlin didn't really remember when he fell asleep but he saw pleasant dreams and when he woke up in the morning he felt well rested and surprisingly not sore. He realised that it must be that he could for a change sleep his legs straight. He could hear Arthur showering and Merlin decided that it was his time to leave. He seriously didn't want to take the risk of blushing and staring and God knows what first thing in the morning.
When he was back in his room, it didn't seem so bad anymore. It felt colder and emptier with Arthur not there, but that was all. Merlin went to his bathroom and drank some water. He was crazy thirsty. Then he also took a shower he had missed last night and made his way to downstairs where his mother was reading a book in the living room. He ate his breakfast and then moved to the couch to talk with his mother. He hadn't done that in a long time and his mother seemed to enjoy having her son talking with her. Merlin felt guilty for not spending time with her more often.
They had talked for a long while before Arthur came downstairs to have a breakfast. He seemed a bit tired and didn't speak much to either of them. Merlin felt a little disappointment at that but when his mother proposed they took a walk in the garden Merlin decided not to ruin this nice weekend.
Arthur had woken up quite early considering that he had gotten to bed so late. The first thing he thought was Merlin and Arthur turned to his side and breathed in relieve when he saw Merlin still sleeping on his couch. His head was on the windows side so Arthur couldn't see much else than a pile of blankets, but the quiet sound of Merlin breathing in and out evenly made Arthur think that he was sleeping soundly. Arthur lied there facing Merlins direction for almost an hour drifting in between wake and asleep before he decided that he could as well get up and make up something he could do with Merlin if he was going to stare him sleeping anyway.
When Arthur sat up on his bed he realised that he felt a bit icky. He had missed shower yesterday after all. Merlin wouldn't mind if he took a shower right? Arthur tried to move as quietly as he could and he managed to close his bathroom door without a sound but he hesitated a bit when he was supposed to turn the water on. Eventually he still decided to take the damn shower, if Merlin was tired, he would not wake up on something like a sound of running water. That much Arthur was sure of.
When Arthur exited his bathroom, Merlin was nowhere to be seen. His blanket and pillow were also gone, so Arthur detuced that Merlin had gone to have a breakfast. It was alright, Arthur kind of needed a bit time for himself before starting a new day he would have to hide his true feelings for the said boy.
On a moments impulse Arthur locked his door and walked to his couch. He still only had his towel on and he really didn't want to explain to Merlin why he was strolling around his room half naked and hugging his couch pillows… Which was exactly what he was planing to do. Arthurs father was hopefully at work right now and Hunith wouldn't come to his room. Merlin was the only (and worst) risk of popping in, but he wouldn't tell on Arthur even if his door was locked.
Arthur sat on his couch and laid down the same way Merlin had slept on it. Merlins scent lingered and Arthur relaxed to the soft cushions at once. He snuggled to the warmth the fabric gave him and he imagined Merlin sleeping there just few minutes ago. He could almost imagine Merlins body heat lingering in the cushions.
Arthur didn't usually think thoughts like this, but now his imagination was taking him for a ride. He imagined how Merlin would feel against him, how he would feel in his arms, how he looked like without shirt… without clothes at all. Maybe in only a towel like Arthur was himself at the moment. Arthur felt his face heat slightly at the thought and soon after, some other areas as well.
It wasn't like Arthur had never masturbated in his life, but it was just that most of the time he didn't feel any real need to it. And never had he done that before thinking of someone he knew. It had just been some general ideas and well… But now he had a very specific situation in his mind. He imagined Merlin there, with him, lying on the couch with only a towel on. He would be snuggling to Arthurs arms, making himself comfortable. He would then rise his gaze to meet Arthurs eyes and he would smile… yes, that smile… Arthur closed his eyes and pictured Merlins smile in front of him. It would soon turn a bit shy… or maybe a bit teasing? Arthur had no idea of how Merlin would behave, but he knew that what ever Merlins reaction was, it would be so very Merlin and it would make Arthurs heart miss a beat.
Merlins hand would then trail to Arthurs waits… or maybe to his tights? Arthur trailed lover on his body not letting go of this imagination-Merlin. Just for now… Arthur would pull himself together when he left his room. Merlin would undo Arthurs towel and he would trail his slender fingers trough Arthurs pubic hair. Arthur made a soft gasp when he finally took his erection into his hand. Merlin would surely chuckle at him softly for that and look a bit amused. Not insultingly so, just with good humour. Arthur realised he was smiling too.
While Merlin would touch Arthur, Arthur would let his hand wander under Merlins towel. He would find Merlins erection and he would undo Merlins towel to see it better. To his loss, Arthur knew he had no real memory of how Merlin looked down there. Or even how he looked without shirt nowadays. It just had been so long Merlin had let anyone see him change and he had seemed to avoid any situation he would have to be without long-sleeved shirt and long pants like a plague. Even his mother had failed to take him to swim last summer. At the lack of real knowledge, Arthur let his imagination fill the caps and he concentrated on the things he was more familiar with. Like how would Merlins voice sound if he whispered something in Arthurs ear or how Arthur could bury his nose in Merlins short hair.
It didn't take long for Arthur to feel his climax nearing and he quickly thought something he would want to come for. Merlin… Merlin would be also enjoying himself and oh, God… How would Merlin look like when he was hot like that, in Arthurs arms, ready to come himself… He would pant Arthurs name and he would tell he was coming… That set Arthur over the edge and fast. He had barely time to move his towel in the way before he made a mess to his couch.
His orgasm rode him for a long while. There was this haze that blurred Arthurs sense of surrounding and he was completely relaxed in a way he didn't remember being before. But still too soon the reality made itself known and when Arthur opened his eyes, he was painfully aware that Merlin was not there next to him. And what came next was worse. What Arthur had imagined, wasn't real and could never be real. He felt shame. How offended Merlin would be if he ever got wind of Arthurs fantasies and how much seeing that would hurt…
Suddenly Arthur felt tired. Some of it was surely because of the masturbation, but there was also this sadness that washed over Arthur. He really was hopeless in his love, wasn't he? He knew that many said that he could get any girl he wanted because he was the captain of the football team, but here he was, suffering from unrequited love and he knew that it wouldn't bring him any comfort even if every girl and boy in his school had wanted him if none of them was Merlin.
Arthurs eyes felt heavy and he closed them slowly feeling it too hard of a battle to keep them open. He could sleep for a moment now couldn't he? Arthur turned to his side throwing the now soiled towel to the floor. He would pick it up later. Arthur wondered briefly if he should put some kind of alarm to wake him up, but without any clothes and his back and hair still damp, he would wake up in no time anyway, so he just closed his eyes and let the last of Merlins scent that lingered comfort him to sleep.
When Arthur woke up only fifteen minutes later, he was cold and still tired. He made himself to stand up nor the less and take some clothes and unlock his door. Merlin was downstairs with his mother talking animately and blissfully not aware what was going trough Arthurs head right now. They greeted Arthur too happily and looking too bright and so Arthur just mainly muttered something at them before opening their fridge to find something to eat. His father wasn't home, he had left to some meeting hours ago, just like Arthur had thought he had.
After a while Merlin and his mother disappeared to the garden and Arthur was left alone. He let his head fall to the table softly. He would have to get hang of himself soon. He had promised he would act normal the moment he unlocked his door, but still here he was, feeling sorry for himself. 'Maybe this is the meaning of being in a closet? Having to leave feelings behind closed doors...' Arthur mused. It was a sad thought.
Arthur glanced at his half finished breakfast. This was going nowhere. Arthur stood up, threw the rest of his food to the bin and moved back to his room. He would go out and play football. The exercise would keep his mind off of things he had no control over and better his mood.
When Arthur had changed to his football gear, he looked at his closed door again. This time he managed to leave his feelings in his room and when he walked to the gardens where Merlin was sitting on a bench with Hunith, he felt that he could do this. Yes, this was what he was supposed to do. Work hard and keep his mind straight around his best friend. With these thoughts he started his warm up.
Merlin walked out with Hunith and they talked about the garden and how nice it was that summer was nearing. Hunith told him about her school and spring exams that she had decided to pass with good marks so she could apply for a summer job in a hospital. "It would be just a trainee position but I could learn so much more by working." She was excited and Merlin felt a bit jealous the she had something she could be so excited about, but didn't want to let it show. Merlin also told this and that about his school but nothing too personal or interesting which just made his mother ask for more. His mother also commented how she liked Merlins new style, she liked the colours she said. Merlin saw a hint of laughter in her eyes when she said that so he wasn't entirely sure if she thought that he looked good or that he looked funny with them. But it didn't matter, Merlin was fine either way.
They finally sat down on a bench that had been taken under the tree just last week. There was a nice view if one happened to like looking at big pompous houses and overly neat gardens. Merlin wasn't one of those people anymore.
"So… Tell me about the party last night. I heard when you came home, but I didn't want to interrupt your evening." Hunith smiled at him brightly and Merlin tried not to look uncomfortable. Of course his mother hadn't been asleep, she wouldn't have gone to sleep without making sure they came back safe. "It was fun, I needed some time with my friends…" He was again being vague but there really wasn't any change of truth in this story. "I would like to meet this Gwen someday." Hunith kept smiling at him and Merlin saw where this was going, he had heard this one before. "Yeah, she is nice, you would like her. Maybe I can invite her and her boyfriend over someday…" It wasn't like he would invite Lance here but he hoped that his message was clear enough.
Hunith blinked but didn't let her opinion on the statement show and just continued smiling. "Isn't her brother also Arthurs friend?" She continued. "Yes, they both are in the football team." Merlin was starting to feel that his mother had a direction she wanted to take this conversation. She had always been like that and when once Merlin had been proud to have a mother who could know what he was thinking even before he himself knew, now it made him more uncomfortable by the second.
"I see… So tell me more about him, is he also your friend? How is he like?" Merlin looked at his mother a bit cautiously. He had no idea of where this was going. "Yeah, he's my friend too... He's Gwens older brother but he seems like the little brother most of the time when Gwen is around at least." Hunith made a sound that indicated that she was listening and wanted to know more. "Uh, he's really good friends with Arthur, he was the one who always drove Arthur home before he got his own car." "Oh I remember him, he seemed like a nice lad." Hunith smiled at Merlin and Merlin, even if still confused, smiled a little. It was nice that his mother liked his friends.
Encouraged by this Merlin felt a need to describe Elyan more to his mother. "Yes he is, and you know their family is not very well off so their father works all the time and Elyan has a job too. I guess it's natural that we are friends..." He didn't have to say 'because we used to be poor' to his mother, he knew that she understood. "I feel that too. It's easier to talk with my school friends than Uthers friends wives. Don't tell that I said this, but they live in such a bubble that sometimes I feel like they should all move amongst regular people just to see that there is life outside heaps of money." Merlin laughed at this. It was true. He too couldn't take the stuck up snobby attitude which was not uncommon in his school. Especially those whose families had old money.
"Yes, tell me about that! Oh what I would give to get Vivian to move to our old home for even a week... She would blow up on sheer frustration!" Merlin chuckled at the image of Vivians face while seeing his old home. Oh, and understanding that there was no hot water! That would be hilarious.
"Vivian? Sir Olafs daughter?" Hunith asked and looked at Merlin surprise written all over her face. Merlin got more serious immediately. He had forgotten for a second there that he never really mentioned Vivian to his mother or no-one while inside this house. He had his reasons. First being that Merlin didn't want Uther to know anything more than he already knew about his friends, things had taken such a bad turn with him knowing about Gwen and Elyan after all. Second being that he really didn't want Uther to talk about him to Olaf who still (at least Merlin assumed) believed that Merlin had a girlfriend. He seriously didn't want that to spread. Also if Uther or Merlins mother would correct him, there would be a hell to pay for at least Vivian and possibly to Merlin too from Olafs behalf. What Merlin had gathered from Arthur and Vivian, he wasn't the most rational man when it came to his only daughter.
"Uh, mm, yes. She sometimes eats with us... She's Gwens friend." He knew he sounded awkward and he was sure that his mother could hear it. "How is she like? I have only seen her couple of times and I have not spoken with her much..." 'That is probably for the best...' Merlin thought before answering "She is... different. And she is always herself, there is no such force in this world that could make her do something just to please others." He tried to be diplomat. He didn't want to say anything bad about his friend even if she wasn't here to hear about that. And what he had said was true. Vivian was very stubborn and that often turned into rude and that mostly threw people off, but Merlin could admire her strenght to stay indifferent to what people said about her. While hanging out, Merlin had learned to read Vivian more easily and she wasn't that bad actually when you got to know her. If he didn't think that, they wouldn't hang out at all.
"Those sound like good qualities... Tell me, is she by any chance vegetarian?" Hunith continued. Merlin looked at her a bit surprises, that was quite a leap but his mother was right. "Um, yes... why?" "Oh nothing, I just thought that maybe one of your friends was a vegetarian too... " She said with a light tone. "Yes, well, she eats fish too, but she was the one that got me thinking you know, she can be very convincing." Merlin didn't look at his mother while saying this, so he missed his mothers knowing smile. "Maybe we could invite her over some day too?" Hunith asked nonchalantly not wanting to embarrass her son, but Merlin still reacted very strongly.
"No! I mean really no need and her father is very... well you have met Olaf! He wouldn't let Vivian come alone anyway... and I see her at school every day, that's enough." Merlin was flustered and he was stammering a bit. Hunith nodded slowly at her son. Now she understood what Uther had meant when he had said that Merlin was very uncomfortable of talking about this. Hunith decided to not force the subject on Merlin, but she was very happy that she had heard at least this much. And now she knew something that Uther hadn't been able to get an answer from her son, who Merlin had a crush on. And it indeed was a girl... It was just a bit sad that Merlin seemed to feel that her father was that big of an obstacle in between them. Or maybe Merlin had unconsciously chosen a girl who wasn't available that way...?
"So, what do you usually talk about other than animal rights with her?" She tried to get to know more without giving away what she suspected. "We don't talk about animal rights, we mostly talk about books." Merlin said still a bit flusterd but calming down. That was true, Vivian had tried when Merlin had stopped eating meat, but she had learned fast that Merlin was not at all more interested of the subject than he had been before. Which was not at all interested. The only thing he had been interested of was that many candies contained gelatine and Vivian knew by heart every candy that did not.
"Books? Does she read a lot?" Hunith wanted to know. "Oh yes, it was a surprise at first but we have quite a similar taste in literature." This was easier. It was liberating to tell honestly somethings to his mother. And now that they were in neutral topics Merlin had no problem just telling the truth. And when Merlin managed to look at his mothers eyes again, he saw that she too enjoyed talking like this with him.
That was when Arthur walked in the garden a football under his arm. He went straight to his little field and started his warm up routine Merlin could recognice anywhere. Hunith waved at him when he looked at their direction and Arthur waved back. Merlin could imagine him grinning. He was quite sure that Arthur enjoyed how Hunith acknowledged him in a silent way. Very much unlike his father did.
"He really works hard all the time…" Hunith commented and Merlin made an annoyed sound. Of course he knew that and that was something he loved about Arthur, but it was not like he would tell that to his mother. "Oh you know that I think you work very hard too… In my opinion even too hard these days." Merlin looked at his mother a bit amused. Yeah ok, that was what he was supposed to feel at the comment, but it really wasn't that he was working hard for any purpose like Arthur did.
"Yeah, yeah, I'll go outside more and get some exercise as long as you don't tell that to Arthur, he will make me his practice dummy again." He didn't want another lecture from his mother about him being in his room too much. "Speaking of Arthur, I'm clad that you two get along so well nowadays." Merlin had not waited this, but well... it was true, two years ago they didn't fit even in the same room but now… just yesterday Arthur had told him that Merlin was his best friend.
Still hearing his mother talk about it made Merlin a bit sad. "Mmm, we get along alright when he's not trying to kill me for making fingerprints on his precious car…" He tried to hide whatever feelings tried to surface by joking about it. Sarcasm had always been his way to cope and he was clad that he still had his humour.
"I think it's more than that, Merlin. He really seems to care about you…" Hunith was still looking at Arthurs direction and Merlin could hear that while she was serious, she didn't mean anything strange by it. Still Merlin was slowly getting farther and farther from his comfort zone. "Haha, I'm just someone he has to bear living with." He turned his gaze away and laughed a little to make the mood lighter. But Hunith then turned to look straight into her sons eyes "Give him more credit than that. He likes you. I see it, he really wanted to go yesterday with you." She only had kindness in her eyes. "I don't know…" Merlin replied but in his mind he thought 'That's because he doesn't know me.' He started to feel sad again and when he turned to look at his mother again he wondered if it showed because Hunith looked at him with sympathy now.
"You don't really believe that, do you?" Merlin had to blink at his mothers words. He hadn't said his last thought out loud had he? Hunith smiled encouragingly at him and gave a little kiss on his forehead. Merlin jokingly pushed her away and their conversation moved back to lighter topics. Soon Merlin concluded that she had just answered to his melancholy, not to his actual words or thoughts, but in this case, it didn't matter. Merlin felt calmer and more free now that he had been able to catch up with his mother. It felt like when it had been just them. He felt that he had someone on his side. That he wasn't alone. That maybe his mother would continue loving him. That maybe someday she would still be his mother even if he told her he was gay… The rest he wasn't so sure about and he wasn't strong enough to try out his relationship with her now. He was just happy that they had something they could talk about and that the weather was nice and his mother was happy.
After a while Arthur yelled at Merlin to come play with him and Merlin went. He said something about having to entertain the prat to his mother who laughed at him and told him to go already.
Merlin and Arthur then played some and Arthur made him try to stop him from making a goal. Hunith went to get herself a book and came back to read to the garden. She smiled and waved at then couple of times and Merlin tried not to imagine her smiling every time he came in contact with Arthur. Luckily there wasn't any time to blush or feel too self conscious when Arthur was running towards him with full speed or kicking balls at him.
In the end they were both dirty and tired and Merlin wasn't sure he could make the stairs when they finally finished. "Do you always have to be so extreme? I'm surprised if by tomorrow I don't have a ball shaped hole in my body…" Arthur just laughed at him and hit Merlin on the back which almost made him loose his balance. "You wouldn't survive a day in the real practice." He teased Merlin and laughed again. "Imagine yourself why I'm not in the team…" Merlin grumbled light heartedly as they walked inside.
They had to move quickly once they were in the house, the lunch was almost ready and for once Merlin was actually hungry and wanted to eat. He managed to make the stairs and take a quick shower and change clean clothes in 15 minutes which was somewhat amazing with his current soreness. He even made it downstairs before Arthur. That was practically a miracle.
After Arthur came downstairs few minutes later Merlin could make fun of him for being slow and the face Arthur made was worth him getting hundred footballs kicked at him. The lunch went well and the whole day went well. Merlin was feeling more whole and well and brave that he had felt for a long time. He was now happy that he had told Arthur about the wine. His heart felt a little bit lighter with one secret less and he really had needed that time in Arthurs car and the time with his mother too.
The only thing that dimmed his great feeling was when Arthur reminded him that he had been sick, because he had told that to Gwen on the phone. Merlin didn't like that he had to lie to his good friend and that he had made Arthur lie too, but he decided to be stronger next time and not make Gwen more trouble. That was the only thing he could do for now. When he went to sleep that night, he felt cozy and warm and he decided to take Arthur to meet Gwaine and Gaius the next time he went. He couldn't wait for wednesday to come.
A/N This chapter is somewhat interesting for me to read because the scene in Arthurs car was the first one I wrote and the stuff about Arthurs morning was the last thing I wrote before starting to publish. I also re-wrote Merlins and Huniths conversation after I had written about Huniths thoughts in chapter 14... Thank you all for reading! See you on monday with a chapter called 'Kiss'! (Have a nice weekend thinking what it's gonna be about :3)
And you dear, lovely people who again left me amazing comments, extra thank you for you all! I had such a good time again reading your comments and questions!
Skypeoplephoenix732 Gaius and Gwaine are my favourites too after Merlin :) About selling the wine... Gwaine is that kind of a person that thinks that it's alright to brake the rules a little and test ones limits while young. And he thinks Merlin is smart enough not to do anything too stupid (unlike himself). And at least he didn't say 'well, if you want to get waisted, here is some tequila'. I myself like wine, but I had never drank straigh from a bottle, but when I was writing that scene, I tried that too :D It's funny how it affects to the taste...
mersan123 I'm so sorry! The worst is still on it's way... but I really promise that this all will have a happy ending! Oh, I wish that you could indeed just take Merlin away from there... Btw, I have a character, Susan, who is Huniths school friend. She is mainly mentioned but she will pop in the story briefly at some point, she has a husband and children (Hunith sometimes babysits them), but I have not decided on how many children and on what ages... Would you like to be my model for her? Then you kind of could pamper Merlin a bit :) Gaius and Gwaine really are forming a support arrond him slowly but steadily, they are one of the key ingredients for that happy ending I promised you, I'm glad that you have liked them so far :)
Angel Dove1 That was the best comment I could have hoped for the last chapter! I'm very pleased to hear that I wasn't predictable with my choises of roles for Gwaine and Gaius and I hope that I will be able to surprice you with both of them at least one more time :) And yep, Uther is controlling. When I was writing this part of the story, I actually started to wonder 'how come Uther hasn't checked what happens in Merlins account...?' and after wondering that for a while, I had to write it down. And yay! I'm unpredictable! :D Best compliment ever!
LordOfTehRainbow I'll be looking forward to your reviews! I was actually a bit pleased myself how I managed to fit Gaius and Gwaine in this story so I'm very happy to hear that you think so too! I haven't actually written a whole much about Elyan, but he will be there now and then, mostly at the end. He was a bit quiet in the show too so that's the way he is in my story. And I don't think you are 'not good with words' at all, your review was very easy to read for me and I thought that you had very good questions :) Also that I can answer something to you all makes me feel like we are having a very interesting conversation, I'm glad that it is seen as a good thing rather than me babling something alone here... I'll see if I can get a little bit more time for Elyan!
8OrangeMatilda8 Yes! I am angry too, that's why I started to write this story, I hope it could raise even if just a little bit awareness... Child abuse is a problem that is hard to notice and the estimations are all over the place. I think there is a major hole in the system and we need to educate our children better. And not just that parents should for those parents that allow the abuse surely won't do that, but in schools and campains that tell these stuff to children and youth with their own level. We can't just hope that if we don't tell our children this stuff it will just dissappear. The name of this story comes from a estimation that 1 of every 6 boys in USA have been sexually abused before they turn 18. (The same number for girls is 1 of 4) Not cool.
EssieScrawls That I could make you feel so strongly about a scene is a huge compliment for me, wow! And yeah, it feels wrong when Uther is being nice... Somehow it would be easier if nasty people were just totaly horrible and never nice, but well, real life and all that. I actually have a profile for Uther that explains his behaviour even if it's not mentioned in the story, maybe I could put it in authors notes when the time is right... And about the number of chapters, this story is already mostly written and when I made the original chapters there were 31. But then I realised that some of them were like 30 000 words long and I am doing a major rearragenment. So at least 31, but I would say about 40, maybe...
burliana91 That's so nice to hear :) Even if at this point I'm not entirely sure if I write the characters or if they write themselves...
Blood Thirsty Angle Oh my God! It's so good to have your review! It is after all you, who inspired me to write my own story. Arthur is not easy to write, he has given me the hardest time I swear. Our stories are very different and I'm so happy that you liked my version :) And, you were my 50th review! How fitting!