Arthur was over the moon. He finally understood what the fuzz was about. He was all smile and every other of his thought were about Merlin and kissing. He felt he couldn't get enough of the idea and only when Elyan made a comment to him about someone being happy lately, he toned it down a little. 'Idiot… You could as well tell Merlin, and everyone while you are at it, that you love him and have been fantasising about him… That would go well…' He mentally kicked himself.
He didn't know what were Merlin's reasons and he was still too scared to ask about them. He wanted Merlin so badly… He knew it would never be accepted and even while he wanted to tell everyone how happy he was, he knew he would just ruin his and Merlin life if he did that. It seemed unfair to him but he was well aware how far from the social norm this was. He wasn't even sure if he himself was ok with this. The consept of brothers being together like this always made him shudder, but when he was with Merlin, he just couldn't make the connection. But what if he had something wrong with his head? What if he would drag Merlin down with him only because he wanted to satisfy his selfish needs? He didn't want that to happen. He wished there was someone he could talk about this. Someone like Gaius… Maybe he could talk to him? He had invited Arthur over and in a way he felt that Gaius had already guessed his feelings. Could he know something about Merlins feelings as well? He had seemed like he had known something when he had talked with Arthur the last time…
Arthur and Merlin kissed at least once a day. It was the first thing in Arthurs mind in the morning and the last thought of his nights. He wanted constantly more and he wasn't sure how much longer he could go without getting something more. Anything. He felt like his heart needed to be closer to Merlin but every time he tried to move his body closer or deepen his kiss, Merlin pulled slightly back or pushed Arthur gently away. This hurt Arthur's confidence and he usually didn't even dare to try. As days rolled by, he found himself feeling sad more and more often because he was getting sure that Merlin couldn't possibly like him back. Why else would he keep Arthur from getting any closer?
After just one and a half weeks he seriously wanted, needed to talk with someone and he even once drove to Gaiuses house after football practice (even at the risk of getting yelled at by his father, he was still grounded) but he couldn't make himself ring the doorbell in the end. He had only seen Gaius once after all and what ever he would tell him, Arthur was sure that he would be on Merlin's side. And if Merlin didn't like him back or if Gaius found his love to Merlin wrong, he wasn't sure what would happen.
At the same time, their school year was nearing its end and all of the teachers were giving them so much work that Arthur felt that he was getting buried alive with his football practices, planning and the actual games piling up to his to do list. To his luck Merlin had picked up his studies again and promised to help Arthur with whatever he could. So many nights they sat leaning to Arthurs couch and doing home works or reading for tests. Arthur enjoyed these times even if the school work was tiring and at parts frustrating. But he had to be the best for his father like he had always been, so he had to do the work.
While spending more time with Merlin like this he also began to fully understand how much Merlins mood varied from day to day. It was like watching waves actually. From barely speaking Merlin who didn't look him in the eyes and filched if he was touched to a Merlin who joked and laughed and leaned to his side after they had kissed. Arthur was slowly getting used to it even though he wondered often what was making the difference.
Once he had asked Merlin what was wrong and he had told him that he missed Gaius. Arthur could understand that and he made it his mission to find some excuse to get Merlin out of the house without his father knowing where Merlin went. It would be too much of a change to try to convince Uther to let Merlin socialise with people Arthur knew his father wouldn't value very high in his books.
The first friday Arthur and Merlin weren't grounded anymore, Arthur came home earlier than expected. They had gone outside to practice for a week now but yesterday it had rained hard and it continued just when they were supposed to start playing. The field was muddy and after one hour the whole team was tired, grumpy and so muddy they couldn't tell each others apart so Arthur had dismissed them. After a shower he had driven home and was actually clad to have a break. He wanted to see Merlin and after throwing his stuff to his room Arthur made his way to Merlins door. He wanted to surprise Merlin, hopefully even scare him so he didn't knock and just opened his door.
Or at least he tried. Merlins door was locked from the inside. Arthur frowned. He didn't like that. Merlin knew how Uther didn't like anyone in this household locking their doors, Arthur still remembered the good yelling Merlin had on the subject, so why was his door locked? Arthur tried knocking but nobody answered. He tried calling Merlins cell, but he didn't pick up. He could do nothing else but go back to his own room. He decided to read some and then try again. He lied down on his bed and opened the book he had never finished. Soon his tiredness took control of him and he set the book aside. He would just close his eyes for a second he told to himself before drifting to sleep.
When he woke up it was already dinner time. He went downstairs to eat with his father and Merlin who was late like usual. He was just about to go to get him when Merlin appeared. Arthur immediately recognised one of those days when Merlin was his grumpy self. He didn't look at Arthur nor did he say anything during the whole meal. After he had barely finished his meal, he disappeared to his room.
"I'll have to go to meet a client soon. I might stay late. I hope I can leave you two here alone?" His father said just after Merlin's door had closed upstairs. Arthur assured him that they would be alright. When he had been younger this hadn't been a special occasion, more like norm actually. It had become more rare in the last few years and while Arthur had hated it when he had been a child, it was now a welcomed change. He could stay up later and maybe Merlin wouldn't be so tense if his father was out of the house. "That's good then. I'll leave you in charge." Uther replied to him and rose to leave the table.
After half an hour Uther left. Arthur wished him a good meeting and whatched the door close behind his father before skipping upstairs to find Merlin. When he tried Merlins door this time, it was open. Merlin was already in his pyjamas, lying on his couch covered in blanket. He had his reading lamp on and the room was very dim. He was reading a chemistry book Arthur had most trouble of understanding and Arthur couldn't help but feel it was for him. A small smile made it's way to his lips at the thought.
"So you really do sleep on your couch every night…" His musing got Merlins attention and for a second Arthur saw… something… like uneasiness. Like he didn't want anyone here much less Arthur. But the look soon disappeared and Arthur hoped he had imagined the whole thing "What are you doing here?" Yes. It was definitely the grumpy Merlin.
"Just wanted to kiss you goodnight." Arthur smiled at Merlin who seemingly tried to smile back but was failing miserably. Arthur stopped next to the couch and sighed. Merlin looked at him questioningly. Arthur pushed Merlins legs a bit to make room for him to sit. He looked at Merlin and talked to him with a serious tone "Is something wrong?" even if he sounded calm he was frightened to hear the answer. What if Merlin would tell him it was Arthur that was making him feel uneasy? That he was tired of kissing him? Or that he hated it?
Merlin adverted his eyes and Arthur held his breath. He was preparing himself for the worst. "No, sorry. It's just you don't usually come to my room…" Arthur let his breath go. He was still feeling anxious but at least it wasn't the worst response. There was still hope. "Would you like me to come to your room more often?" He asked. Of course they had spend more time in his room. He had larger sofa and a television. And usually Merlin came there before Arthur had a chance to go to his. But had he made a mistake there?
Merlin shook his head "No. I like yours better." This made Arthur feel better. Merlin liked his room, maybe that was because he had started to like him also? He really should stop reading so much into Merlins every little action and word… Arthur smiled at Merlin "You are welcome anytime you want, in fact why don't you come to my room right now? My couch is longer than yours…" Merlin looked at him little confused so he added "If you are worried about father, he just left. He has a business meeting and he will be back late. Sometimes he takes a room in a hotel because it's so late."
This somehow made Merlin get more animated. "Could we watch a movie?" He asked and Arthur really wanted to laugh and hug him for acting so cute. "Of course, we still haven't seen the one Gwen has been bugging us to watch." Merlin laughed at him a little. The movie Gwen had practically forced on them was partly a journey to one self and partly a romantic flick so they hadn't really been too keen on seeing it. Partly because it seemed too sappy and partly because they both felt embarrassed to even think about watching a romantic film with each other.
Merlin made a move that caused Arthur to stand up. He was in the way of Merlin getting up. Merlin collected his blanket and pillow and Arthur waited him to pass but Merlin didn't. He stopped in front of him and smiled at him shyly. "I thought you came here to kiss me." he said quietly and leaned forward to meet Arthurs lips. Usually when they kissed, Merlin kept his distance and the kiss was always quick but now Merlin leaned onto Arthur and kissed him with just the tines hint of passion and when he let their lips separate, he rested his forehead on Arthurs shoulder. The pile of blanket was in between them but Arthur felt like he was closer to Merlin than ever. He slowly bought his arms around Merlin.
Merlin flinched at the first contact and that made Arthur hesitate, but when Merlin didn't make another move he got his courage back and he finally wrapped his arms around Merlin. He felt Merlins breathing against his neck and Merlins thin frame in his arms. He was once more alarmed of how thin Merlin was. He felt tiny and fragile but he was here. He felt warm through his pyjama and Arthur could feel the rhythm of his breathing.
He could have stayed like this forever but, when Merlin stepped back (too soon in Arthurs opinion), he had to let go. Merlin smiled at him and moved towards his door like nothing had ever happened. Sometimes Arthur found himself wondering if he had imagined somethings he had done with Merlin because of Merlin's habit of doing just that, but his hands and neck still felt warm and he saved this memory deep into his mind.
Merlin had been in his room, Uther thrusting in him when he had hear the door handle rattle and a knock soon after that. His heart had stopped for a moment. Uther also had stopped but hadn't get out of him. Merlin knew it had to be Arthur. Why was he so early? The door felt too thin now and panic rose inside of him. What if he could open the door? Or hear them? Or even smell the dirty reek of sex that was filling the room?
When nothing happened for a while Uther bent over to quietly hiss into his ear "What was that? Why is someone knocking your door?" Merlin shallowed thickly. "It must be Arthur…He-he probably wanted a-a book. He loaned it to me and I-I forgot to return it." Uther seemed to buy his lie but it didn't help Merlin much "I see I have to teach you to be more careful…" He took a hold of Merlins hair and lifted his upper body up. He then wrapped his arm around Merlins chest and played with his nipples while thrusting into him hard. Merlin held his breath not wanting to make any sound. He was painfully aware of Arthur who could be just behind his door. He heard his cellphone wibrate faintly in the pocket of his trousers that were lying on the floor and he wanted to cry. He was clad that the phone was still in silend mode.
When Uther came, he demanded a kiss. Merlin shook his head and earned a new blow to his stomach this time.
After Uther had left, Merlin took a shower. He felt dirty even after that and he thought about Arthur. He felt horrible. He wanted to kiss and to touch Arthur so much yet he felt his body so filthy that he really couldn't. Even if couple of times Arthur had tried to move closer to him, maybe even take things a bit further, Merlin became too self conscious if Arthur touched anything else than his lips. Even a hand on his shoulder made him feel like he was poisoning Arthur with his dirtiness and he had to protect Arthur from that. His room also… It was dirty and black of the things that had happened here. He didn't want Arthur to even breath the air in his room.
After lunch he showered again. It didn't help much and his stomach still hurt. Uther was strong for his age and Merlins body was weak. He changed to his pyjama and made it to his couch. Uther had already been here tonight so he could at least have this night for himself.
When the door of Merlin's room opened, he froze. When he realised it was just Arthur he felt relieved but he felt uneasy having Arthur in his room. He did everything in his power to hide that so he tried to sound indifferent. When Arthur told he was here for a goodnight kiss, it should have made him feel better, but it just didn't. He knew it was the best if he tried to smile or even laugh at it like it was a joke, but he really couldn't find the strenghs to do that. He wasn't sure what gave Arthur his motive to kiss him everyday. He was afraid that he had done something to him. Making him feel obligated to do this for him or could he have corrupted Arthur with his dirtiness? He was scared. The thought of anyone loving him didn't even made it to the list of options in Merlins mind.
When Arthur sat down next to him and asked if everything was alright Merlin felt for a moment moved by his concern. He was sure he didn't deserve Arthur like this and for a moment he regretted ever asking Arthur to kiss him. Still, when Arthur waited Merlin to pass him, Merlin could have done just that but instead he stopped to kiss him. 'I'm so weak…' He blamed himself while he leaned on Arthurs shoulder needing the comfort. He wanted to press himself further to his chest but he kept his blanket stubbornly in between them. Like a barrier that kept his shame on his side.
Still, when Arthurs arms came to hug him he felt truly happy. The only thing wrong was his still hurting stomach which pressed to his blanket painfully. With the first contact Merlin flinched because it caught him by surprise. Finally he had to pull back because his position was getting too uncomfortable, his blanket pressing the bruise. He walked out of his room not daring to look back. He hoped Uther would really be away the whole night. He wanted to sleep in Arthurs room, breathing that golden light that made him feel less ashamed.
When Arthur followed Merlin to his room, Merlin had already lied down on the couch. He was a tad disappointed. He almost asked him to come to sleep in his bed, but his common sense won. It was still early but somehow Merlin seemed to want to lie down so Arthur let him bury himself in his blanket while he tried to find some movies they could watch. After couple of suggestions they found a superhero movie that was supposed to be so corny it was almost a classic.
Arthur let the logos roll while he went to get them some snacks from downstairs. He found some cookies their maid had baked earlier today and some cheese and crackers. When he was about to close the fridge his eyes found an opened bottle of wine. I was one of those expensive wines that his father sometimes opened at night for himself. Arthur estimated the amount in the bottle and with a moments impulse, he took one wine class and poured there half a class. He estimated the amount again and felt satisfied that the difference was very hard to spot. He carefully put the bottle back and concentrated on getting all the food and wine upstairs.
When he opened the door, the films narration was already on "You are missing a tragic backstory…" Merlin said to him, his eyes glued to the screen. "Let me guess, parents death, all alone, corrupted justice system, vows revenge?" Arthur guessed while placing the plates down. "We are not yet at the revenge part…Oh, here it is!" The movie had a shot of young boy scream to the sky in a heavy rain at night. They both laughed at the cheesiness of the camerawork and the movie gave them 'ten years later' text. How original.
"Here." Arthur gave Merlin the wine class. Merlin looked surprised but then his eyes lit like candles and he took the wine from Arthur. Arthur wasn't sure if he was supposed to feel happy of Merlin's obvious happiness of alcohol or worried, but it wasn't much and Arthur was pretty sure that Merlin didn't drink that much anyway. Hell, he could only get alcohol from Gwaine (Arthur was positive of that) and he hadn't had a change to meet him for weeks now.
After Merlin had sipped few times from his wine class, he was gradually becoming to a much better mood. Arthur sat to the floor, leaning to the couch about where Merlins stomach was. They laughed at the movie and Merlin made jokes and at one point he even ruffled Arthurs hair. He normally never touched him like this so Arthur blushed and felt warm where Merlins hand had been.
"So movie, wine and a kiss, thats what makes the grumpy Merlin go away… You are such a girl, Merlin." He commented at one point and Merlin actually laughed. "Grumpy Merlin?" He asked in disbelieve. "When did you update your vocabulary? When you were five?" Arthur swatted some part of Merlin that was the closest playfully. Merlin gave him a satisfying 'ow' and Arthur leaned a bit further so he could feel his head resting on something solid that was Merlins side covered with thick blanket. 'This is nice…' he thought. Merlin didn't comment anything on Arthur leaning to him so Arthur continued to do just that.
They continued to point unlogical thing from the movie to each others and Arthur decided that he enjoyed this very much. He wasn't sure how real couples worked really, but he was content with this. Just being able to lean on Merlin and feel him lean on him. To be able to kiss him once a day gently and to have Merlin kiss him. He didn't need to rush. He hoped that Merlin would feel something for him and this was not just a passing thing or curiosity from Merlins side. He found himself hoping they could move somewhere far away where no-one knew they were supposed to be brothers. Maybe they could pretend to their parents and friends that they just lived together because they didn't have anyone they were dating? Maybe they could continue like this forever…
When the movie ended, it was barely eight o'clock but when Arthur turned to see Merlin, his eyes were closed and his breathing even. 'You got to be kidding me… How can anyone sleep as much as this idiot does?' he thought but smiled at the same time. He stroked Merlins hair gently and leaned in to kiss him softly on his cheek. "Good night, Merlin" He said in a soft tone and moved to clean up.
He took the empty wine glass Merlin had placed to the floor and their plates. He washed the wine glass well and put it back to its place. He didn't want to wake Merlin up so he didn't shower (he had showered anyway after the football practices of mud). He changed into his pyjama in his closet not bothering with the shirt this time. It was hot in his room and he really didn't like to sleep with a shirt on. And besides, Merlin was already asleep and it wasn't like Merlin hadn't seen him shirtless like hundred times. Also Arthur had nothing to be ashamed of with his well built upper torso, he decited. He climbed to his bed and read for a while. He wasn't actually tired at all because he had taken a nap so he ended up staying up quite late. 'Great thing it's saturday tomorrow…' He thought when he looked at his alarm clock and saw it was almost half past twelve.
He looked one last time at Merlin who hadn't even moved. 'He really must have been tired…' He thought and he felt himself grow a bit sad. He imagined Merlin sleeping in his too short couch and he wondered, not for the first time, why did Merlin sleep on his couch? Merlin didn't seem to want to explain his reasons and Arthur could just sigh and deal with it. But it felt bad. Not that he didn't know why Merlin slept on his couch, but that it felt that Merlin didn't trust him enough to tell him stuff like that. It hurt the same way that it hurt when Merlin pushed him back or moved away from him.
Arthur placed his pillow so he could hug it and imagine it was Merlin. He wished that he could take Merlin to a date. Or sleep next to him. Or call him his boyfriend. How long would this have to continue before Arthur would have enough confidence to ask Merlin if they were dating? He wasn't sure. He closed his eyes to be Merlins boyfriend at least in his imagination. He fell asleep soon after.
The next day grumpy Merlin was nowhere to be seen. His mother got home from his last night shift and she would be home from now on. She had just few weeks of regular school and then the summer vacation would start. She was applying to be a trainee in a local hospital. It was closer than her internship place so she wouldn't have to spend more nights away than she was actually working and she wouldn't probably even get that many nightshifts. Her friend Susan was also aplying and Hunith told Merlin excited how she really had started to feel that she has found a friend. After taking a walk in the gardens with Merlin, she went to sleep and the boys ate lunch with Uther.
Merlin normally went quiet in Arthurs fathers presence if Hunith wasn't there, but today he seemed to be in so good mood that he and Arthur continued to talk about this and that in the lunch table until Uther opened his mouth "I saw you weren't in your room last night, Merlin. I would like to know where you were." Merlin went quiet and he opened his mouth but no sound came. Arthur wanted to convince his father fast that Merlin hadn't sneaked out when they had been alone here (that was what he thought his father was after) so he didn't wait Merlin to collect himself but answered for him.
"He slept on my couch, father." He didn't see anything wrong with that. He and Morgana had used to sleep in her room when their father had been out when they had been smaller. Of course that had changed when Morgana started to have rows with their father but that had nothing to do with this. Still his father didn't seem pleased. He turned to look at Merlin and asked with stern voice "Is this true?" Merlin had to nod but he seemed to do it reluctantly.
Arthur watched the scene in front of him. He wasn't sure what was the big deal… Of course Merlin could be self conscious about them kissing or the wine he had drank, but his father had no way of knowing any of that, right? "I want you to sleep in your own bed from now on, that's why you have one. Is this understood?" Merlin nodded and mumbled 'yes'.
Arthur didn't like his father's tone. He was scaring Merlin and Arthur didn't like that at all. He was about to protest and tell him that Merlin didn't sleep in his bed anyway when he felt a sharp kick from under the table. Merlin didn't show any signs of moving at all but Arthur got the message. Of course his father didn't know that Merlin slept on his couch. He would just make things worse for Merlin if he let his father know that for sleeping on a couch was exactly the kind of 'nonsense' his father hated.
Arthur remained silent when his father continued to tell it wasn't decent in their age to have these kind of sleep overs when their rooms where right next to each others. "Those kind of things are not for men, they are for fags and such people and I don't want any of that in my house."
Arthur felt a sting in his heart and then he got annoyed. What did his father know?! First of all, how was that gay if Merlin slept in the same room? He had slept much nearer guys in football camps and such. And as far as his father was conserned, they were family. And yes, he loved Merlin but he still wasn't even sure if he was gay, it didn't seem to fit somehow… The worry of being weird was of course present, but that was Arthur's problem and Arthur felt it was his responsibility to take care of that and think it trough and even if he would someday need help, he wouldn't ask that from his father.
But if he felt worried, Merlin looked like he tried to shallow a frog.
Arthur immediately forgot his own worries and found new ones in Merlin. What if he would now stop coming to his room? Stop kissing him? Notice that Arthur was in love with him? That he had ulterior motives? His heart started to beat fast his annoyance evaporating in to thin air. He hoped the lunch would be over soon. Merlin told Uther that it wouldn't happen again and Uther turned back to his meal. Arthur had all of his life been worried what his father thought about him, but suddenly it didn't seem to matter as much as what Merlin thought about him.
Merlin ate his lunch quickly more spreading his food to his plate than actually eating it and then he disappeared upstairs. Arthur wanted to go after him but he couldn't raise suspicion in front of his father. He would have to wait to see if he and Merlin were still ok. The waiting was agony and every second seemed to drag.
Merlin was petrified. He should have known that Uther would find out that he was not in his room. He cursed himself for not realising that. He felt a lump in his throat. Uther had tried to come to his room at night. There was only one reason that happened. Merlin knew that Uther would come to his room tonight. His mother home or not. He was still hurting from yesterday.
He closed the door of his room behind him and slid to lean against it. Uthers comment was clear to him. 'Don't you dare spread your gayness to my son.' Merlin found some twisted humour in that 'well that one is too late now, isn't it?' He wondered what Uther would do to him if he ever as much as suspected that he had made Arthur kiss him. Would he fuck him until he bled? Would he hit him? Or even kill? Merlin hugged his knees. He was so afraid of Uther.
'I need something to drink…' He thought but he had no means of getting to Gwaine. He had his phone number memorised (he hadn't dared to save Gwaine's or Gaius' numbers in his phone, he was sure Uther would find out that way.) but could he even call him? And what if he could? Would Gwaine really come all the way here and sneak the alcohol to him somehow? The answer came to him suddenly loud and clear. 'Yes, yes he would.' Gwaine was just the type of an idiot who would do things like that. He was about to take his phone and make the call but then he remembered that his mother was home. He could do things behind Uthers back but his mother so close… His fear aside, he felt disgraced for even thinking of doing anything like that so near his mother.
Merlin hit the floor in frustration. His fear and anger mixing together making him unable to tell which he actually was. The pain in his hand helped him to clear his mind for a second and he calmed down slowly. He briefly thought if cutting himself would clear his mind the same way but he quickly dismissed the thought. He had promised himself that he wouldn't do that anymore. He had to get through this day without that. His mother would want to see him and talk to him at dinner and he had to seem alright. He also thought about Arthur and realised he was too transparent already. Arthur had labeled his depressed mood as 'grumpy' and that was a sign that Merlin wasn't hiding his distress well enough. He had to make himself act more convincing.
He thought about the time that he could visit Gaius. How he could stay positive and had more energy even during the week when he still had a long way to go. If he could find something similar. A way to rest mentally feeling safe on regular basis. He thought about Arthur but dismissed the idea immediately. The only way he could feel safe and calm with Arthur was to confess what was happening and even then Arthur would have to want to comfort Merlin knowing all that.
'Don't even wish for that…' He told himself as it seemed impossible. Arthur liked him at least as a friend yes, but he wouldn't if he knew the real him. He would be disgusted and he would hate him for sure. Merlin wasn't sure why Arthur was putting up with his selfish wish to kiss him and touch him and why he even bothered to come to Merlin at times. Did he pity him or did he want it over with or had Merlin somehow made him curious or infected him somehow? 'Is there nothing I can do…?' He wished there was some kind of cure to this. Something he could do to make him like normal people… But he wasn't sure how much of himself he would have to give up to do just that. How would he be if he liked girls? Could he be friends with Gwen? Would he became like the guys in the football team? Loud and rough… He wasn't sure.
He felt his room too big. He wanted to be in a smaller place. Like in the bushes of Gaius' garden. He liked Gaius' house also. It was homy with its low ceiling and gauzy corners with so much stuff that told of his life. Like nothing was just a furniture or a book, they meant something to Gaius. Merlin searched his room with his eyes. There wasn't much that was his. The little stuff he had from his previous life was mainly childish stuff or something like his carving knife that had no use for him in here so it was out of sight. He eventually thought of the closet where some of his belongings were stored in boxes. He opened the door and closed it behind him. It was dark and kinda small and when he pushed trough those clothes that were hanging, he found a wall he could lean onto.
After pushing the clothes to cover him, he felt better. The space was small and the clothes were all over the place so he had to push them to a position where they wouldn't poke at him. But after he had done that, it was warm, dark and narrow. Just the alcohol was missing. He thought of getting some wine like Arthur had gotten him last night from the fridge (he supposed) but it seemed even more risky than calling Gwaine to deliver him something.
Merlin leaned to the wall and he did feel a bit better but he still couldn't fully relax. His thoughts didn't leave him be and he found himself worrying about Arthur and about his mother and about Uther and Gwen and Gaius and Gwaine and… eventually he had to exit his closet and find a book he could read. He took the chemistry book he had been reading yesterday and opened it from a random page. He would learn this all and teach it to Arthur. Yeah, that was a right thing to do.
He concentrated until there was nothing else in his head. He only stopped when his mother came to see what he was up to. Merlin jumped up and practically pushed his mother out of his room. He didn't want her in his room where he had done such dirty things with her husband.
The rest of the night his mother wanted to spend some time with him so they talked and played some scrabble while Arthur lingered close by laughing at their words but not actually joining in. Merlin made a mental note to challenge Arthur to a round of scrabble someday. He would so win.
Uther made Merlin suck him off that night. He told Merlin how worthless he was and how he should respect his own room that was given to him. He also warned him from bothering Arthur. Merlin threw up that night until literally nothing came up. His stomach burned from last night and from the spasms of the vomiting. He tried to drink some water but that came up as well. Finally he dragged himself to his couch and took a class of water with him. He knew he would be thirsty later.
The next day Merlin made sure to miss breakfast. He didn't want to see Uther. He sat in his closet for a while thinking of the irony of actually being in a closet before getting down to go to school with Arthur. He tired to stay positive and normal (ish) but he clearly didn't do very good job because Arthur was constantly glancing at him. Merlin tried to joke and to be funny but Arthur didn't seem to response the way he usually did. Merlin wasn't sure what he had done now, but he had to try to not seem like anything was wrong at all.
Finally Arthur interrupted his rambling about how annoying Gwen had been lately with her boyfriend and all "Merlin…" "...and there I was trying to make some sense of how she had answered to her english assignment and she was telling me how romantic Lance had been and-" "Merlin!" Merlin got the hint (clear message) and shut up. Arthur sighed "Are you alright?" Merlin wasn't even sure of what Arthur was referring to. He had so many things he had been keeping secret and so many things he was not alright at all that he had lost count. Arthur being the person who knew most of all people, he was confused. Luckily Arthur continued "I mean what father said. He can be like that. But don't let it worry you. He doesn't know everything…"
Merlin had to search his memory to find the obvious one Arthur had been present to hear. Ironically that was the one that bothered Merlin most at the moment. The fear of corrupting Arthur with his selfish needs. His heart hurt. He didn't want to cause any harm to Arthur and yet he was spreading his dirtiness little by little. He had to give Arthur a change to stop "I… I understand if you don't want anymore…" He couldn't say the word 'kiss' and he couldn't look at Arthur. His voice quiet and his heart was beating painfully loudly.
"No! I mean it's alright… " Arthur denied fast. A bit too fast. Merlin glanced at his direction and finally understood. Arthur also wanted to kiss him. It wasn't out of obligation or pity. It felt good to Arthur too. That made Merlin feel a spike of hope but it was short lived. He felt shame on himself for being so selfish and his relieve was stained by fear. Had he made Arthur be like this? And would he ruin Arthurs life too? What would Uther do if he ever found out? The same he did to Merlin?
Merlin shallowed and looked away. He couldn't let anything bad happen to Arthur. Especially not that. He had to stop and never let Arthur know about his feelings. That way Arthur could deny this when he found himself a girlfriend and Merlin would never tell anyone. "Ok…" Still he couldn't brake this off right now. He was too weak to do that. He felt strong hate to himself for not being strong enough. How stupid could one be? And how selfish...
When Arthur parked the car he looked around quickly and when there was no-one in sight, he leaned towards Merlin and gave him a quick kiss to his cheek. Merlin who had been taking off his seatbelt was caught by surprise. Arthur quickly stepped out from the car not looking at Merlin.
Merlin just stared after him. His cheek felt warm where Arthurs lips had touched and he slowly brought his fingers to touch the place. This was new and in Merlins mind it felt even more intimate than kissing on the lips. For a moment Merlin felt… loved.
He blushed at the thought and removed his hand. He had to get out of the car before Arthur would lock him in. He took his bag and moved outside. The spell was broken and Merlin just felt ashamed of himself for having such delusions. Of course he wasn't loved, how could anyone love him? But his cheek remained warm and he found himself touching the spot many times that day.
A/N Hello! For this chapter being under 8 000 words, I sure had a lot of trouble with it! A huge thank you for Blood Thirsty Angle for correcting my spelling and grammar mistakes! I'm going to country side for three days tomorrow with no internet, so I'll post the next chapter when I get back. It's still on sunday, but about 10 hours later than usual. Hang in there!
Many who left a review for the last chapter were glad that Uther didn't get Merlin's first kiss. I just wanted to say that it was never an option, I'm not that cruel... really... I'm actually a fairly nice person... kinda...
And for the record, forced kisses are (in my opinion) a lot harder to pull trough than entertainment has let us believe... I dislike those forced kisses for example in tv series that lead some characters to a misunderstanding, it's just... stupid. First of all it is kind of hard to catch someone so complitely out of quard that it's possible to kiss them. Normaly even if you are not waiting to be kissed by someone you don't want to kiss, you move backwards, turn your face, push them away or something like that when they move their face to your personal space. And lips are not known of their accurate and fast movements, so missing the target would be very possible. Even if they held your face still, it's higly difficult to hold lips down. One can yell, bite or just generally keep making faces that are not so sexy to kiss... I really don't understand where are all of those forced kiss -scenes coming from...
Sorry, rambling about my opinions again...
Anyway, I have, again, recieved such great reviews that I have no idea of how I could express my gratitude :) I really love the way you make the effort to really comment and analyze my writing. Because of you, I have added scenes and depth and have will to actually search for grammar rules from my highs school notes that I had complitely forgotten by now. So, big thank you and see you on sunday!
Skypeoplephoenix732 Good idea, but sorry, Merlin would never let Arthur sleep in his room. Where would he sleep? In his bed? Surely not. The couch is too narrow for many reasons. And Merlin knows the risk of Uther coming to his room too well... Yeah Geofrey is not really on top of his game, when only quiet Merlin was missing, he didn't even notice, but when someone like Arthur is missing from the glass, usually the dynamics in the room change enough to cause one to look twice. And it's easier to spot two missing especially if they usually sit next to each others (I might have done this 'It looks like everybody is here' -mistake once when I was still new with teaching...)
mersan123 Mess with your heads? Maybe... :D Yes, at the moment Merlin is in a emotional rollercoaster with no end in sight... The main drama is now on. Thank you for the background info, that was plenty, I can now write the scene :) So you are Aussie... Hmm... I'm quite sure that I have no idea of how to write Australian english, I hope you don't mind... Or, what would you think if I sent that part to you and you helped me to write your lines? I would kind of like the detail that Susan would be aussie :)
LordOfTheRainbow Yes, Merlin is depressed and mentaly in unbalance. He has pushed himself to his limits and he can't find pleasure in normal things and somedays all the world feels insignificant, gray and dull. And while his and Arthur's relationship is developing, strugling to keep his secret is getting more and more arduous. He has locked his emotions away and feeling so strongly for Arthur while with him shakes that control he has over his feelings and he is again getting more moody, as we saw in this chapter. It's good that you asume things and you are very much right. If Merlin would have dared to look Arthurs crotch, he would have been highly confused and that would have propably turned into fear or panic and that wouldn't have been pretty... Uther has manipulated and tricked Merlin to believe that the fault is his and that the power to expose him is Uther's. That is one aspect that makes chil abuse so horrible crime. How Merlin is going to see Gaius and Gwaine? Well, you will have to wait till next chapter to find out ;)
bubzchoc Thank you :)
Senile Feline Wow, what a great feedback! I'm super happy to hear that my english has been getting better, maybe I should proofread this whole thing after I have finished just to correct grammar mistakes... When I did research on this theme before I started to write, my first and foremost question was, how did all these people keep something like this a secret for so long, even decades? And this is what I came up with, I'm very pleased to hear you telling me that it is believable. When I read your review, at the part where you told me that you nearly lost your faith, I was like 'Oh no! I almost lost this amazing reader!' I'm so glad that you continued to read until the end of the chapter! Thank you for that and I hope that you will like the rest of my story too :) (And it's not that hard to update regularly, I have written most of the story beforehand and I actually like proof reading this thing, it's kind of a hobby now :) )
Angel Dove1 :D You clearly took the rollercoaster ride with Merlin, good, that means you care :) We need people like that in this world. You gave me what I really wanted to hear when I updated this chapter :) I suck with giving names. That includes chaper names, but with this chapter it wasn't hard at all. So while I was at it, I thought 'why not confuse the readers a bit in the middle?' I'm happy that it worked out :) I think that Arthur is a very cute person, he was in the tv-series too. He kind of said what he came up with at the moment and while he wants to kiss Merlin again, he doesn't want to be just someone to be used and then casted aside without explanation. If nothing else, he would want a clear end before Merlin would start to date someone else. (Of course that won't happen... don't worry.)
Millamaxwell12 It's because I like torturing people, of course! ...That didn't come out right... Oh, Arthur has already saved Merlin from doing something stupid a lot of times, he just doesn't know it himself ;) It's good to hear that you liked the character developements. The main reason this story is so freaking long, is that I needed realistic amounts of time for all these people to get to know eachothers. But yes, now we are going somewhere and the plot is moving steadily forward. I hope you will enjoy the rest too :)
8OrangeMatilda8 Yep, even Arthur knew it was obvious... If Merlin had even a bit self confidense at this point, he would have taken one look at Arthur and undestood too... But that's where our boys are right now, clueless and not understanding one another fully. But lets be happy for what they got and I promise more to come :) Just for my curiosity... How much did you reread?