Arthur was just starting his warm up routine when he saw Lance going in circles trying to do at least three things at the same time. He had a stack of papers under his arm and a box in his hands that should contain a new net for their goals. Hopefully. The last ones they had gotten via post had been too small and the ones they currently had... well, let's say they didn't have enough holes. Arthur knew that Lance was the one who was working as hard as he was for this team and he really had grown to depend on him. If he had once thought that Lance was too young, he couldn't remember that anymore. But the fact was that he could use some help...
That sparked something in Arthurs brain and he lost all of his concentration for a while. When he remembered again where he was, he noted happily that he had done this routine so many times that he had actually continued in autopilot and nobody seemed like they had noticed. With the confidence that he could manage without concentrating, he let his thoughts drift. The summer was nearing and the team would have summer practiced twice a week. If he could convince his father that Merlin would come with him to help the team, he could drive him to the school and Merlin could visit Gaius and Gwaine while Arthur was in the practice. He felt excited of this idea. Merlin would be happy and the less there was grumpy Merlin in this world the happier Arthur was.
He thought all the possibilities and decided that it would be the best if he asked Lance to help him. If his father called him to check how Merlin was doing and Lance didn't know anything, they would both be in so much trouble that Arthur didn't even want to think about that.
So after the practice was over, Arthur lingered behind and when all the rest were gone he went to speak with Lance. "Ah, Arthur, good job today, as always." Lance grinned at him when he approached him. "Thank you. Can I talk with you? As a friend." Lance couldn't say no to that. He and Arthur had more or less been equally leading the team for almost two years now and their ages were close, so they had naturally fallen to a friends category rather than a teacher and a student relationship. "Yes, of course." Lance replied without hesitating. "It's about Merlin… My- our father is a bit controlling…" Arthur decided to go straight to the point. "and it's kind of hard for him to go anywhere, he doesn't have a car either..."
Lance was looking at him in the eye waiting when he would enter the picture. "...and I was wondering, if I could tell my father that Merlin is helping out during the summer practices? Then I could drive him to here and he could have some time with some friends…" An understanding came to Lances face. "So you want me to lie to your father if he ever asks if Merlin has been here?" Arthur nodded hesitantly. He didn't like the word 'lie' and asking it so directly made him uneasy.
"Is there really no possibility that your father would let Merlin see his friends otherwise? Have you tried talking to him?" Arthur frowned a bit. No he hadn't talked to his father but he knew him. He would want to meet these friends and their parents and after seeing an old man and, well, Gwaine, there was no way even he could convince Uther to let Merlin see them. "Not really…" Arthur just said. "He doesn't really understand things like free time." He just answered to Lances second question.
Lance sighed and scratched his neck looking a bit uncomfortable. "I have noticed that Merlin doesn't get too much free time. Gwen has mentioned it to me also…" He blushed a bit at mentioning Gwen. God Arthur wished he wasn't that see-trough. "Those friends you mentioned, do you mean Gwen?" Lance sounded bit unsure and Arthur knew he had to convince him that nothing bad would come out of this. He shook his head. "No… they are not from this school, but I have met them and they are nice." Arthur hoped that Lance would never find out about the alcohol Gwaine was selling to Merlin.
Lance looked even more unsure so Arthur decided to continue "Actually one of them is an elder man Merlin helps to clean and stuff." Lance rose his eyebrows in surprise "Is that safe?" Lance looked worried now. Arthur hadn't even thought of that, maybe because he really hadn't had any time to wonder how Gaius was before meeting him and if someone was safe, it had to be Gaius. "Yes, I have been there also and he was…" Arthur had to think hard how to describe Gaius. Fun? Understanding? Safe? Clever? He found a small smile playing on his lips "A great person. I like him and Merlin seems to really care for him."
Lance looked at him with a serious look in his eyes but eventually he gave up. "Well, I guess I'm not the one who can tell you to follow the rules… " He seemed a bit ashamed with himself and Arthur wondered if he could tell him how happy Gwen seemed and that it was alright without sounding awkward. "If Merlin really would come here to help every other time, I could give him some extra credit for the work he does and then I at least have something I can tell your father if he asks how Merlin is doing."
Arthur beamed at him. He was so excited, he couldn't wait to tell Merlin… "Thank you, really. I'll make sure everything is alright so you don't have to worry about that." He wanted to assure Lance. He was doing a huge favour to Arthur and he really appreciated it.
When Arthur had left, Lance wondered what he had stuck his head in. If something, anything happened to Merlin, he would never forgive himself. Also his job was on the line and lying… He had never liked that. Well technically he would just left it unmentioned that Merlin was in the practice just every other day but still… He was worried about Merlin. Was everything alright? It certainly didn't seem healthy that Arthur seemed to think that the only way for Merlin to get out of their house to help someone, was to lie it was for school. He knew some parents, especially in this school, could be obsessed about the credits and how their children would succeed, but this was somehow different. Lance wasn't that worried about Arthur. If anything he had seemed happy with his life especially lately, but Merlin. They were so different. Merlin seemed sometimes like he wasn't really present. There was just something that Lance didn't get and it still bugged him.
Now that the opportunity had risen, Lance decided to keep a close eye on Merlin. He had been worried many times before, but Merlin had always gotten a good head on his shoulders and Lance had decided to trust on Merlin when he told Lance not to worry. He had always gotten better after all and Gwen too had told Lance that Merlin was not in any kind of trouble. If not counting the skipping history incident… Still, it felt a good thing that he would see Merlin once a week through the summer.
Arthur almost danced to his car and drove a little bit too fast to tell the news to Merlin. The whole way Arthur felt that he could not get home fast enough. After parking his car, Arthur run upstair two steps at a time, but Merlin was nowhere to be seen and after he had checked Merlin's room, his own room and garden Arthur was confused. "Where is that idiot?" He wondered out loud standing in the middle of the field he used to play football. He went back upstairs and knocked again on Merlins door. He wasn't waiting for a reply because he had already checked once, but there Merlin was. He was sitting on his couch reading, what else.
Arthur blinked in confusion. Merlin looked at him briefly but then returned to his reading, ignoring Arthur as usual. "You could answer your door if you are in, you know?" Arthur said, not really meaning much to it. "Well, I would have, if you had given me more than a millisecond to answer it." Merlin said and Arthur had to admit that Merlin was right. Not out loud of course.
"Anyway, I have something I want to tell to you." Arthur found again his excitement. He walked across the room and sat right next to Merlin. Merlin moved just few centimetres away and Arthur took that as a progress. Just a month ago Merlin would have moved to sit at least one meter away and last summer he would have moved to sit to another furniture altogether. He smiled brightly and Merlin looked confused. Well, it should look like Arthur was just grinning like a lunatic with no tried to shallow his excitement and he concentrated on speaking calmly.
"I have an idea-" He started "Always a bad thing…" Merlin commented with straight face. Arthur pushed Merlin's shoulder more amused than annoyed and Merlin laughed a little. Arthur loved to hear Merlin laugh.
"Lance promised he would give extra credit if you helped out in every other summer practices." Merlin looked at him now confused, but he let Arthur continue "And well, father doesn't have to know that you are not helping in every practice..." Merlin now seemed very interested and Arthur added "so you could go see Gaius and Gwaine during that time." His words did just what he had wanted them to do. Merlin smiled. Arthur was so pleased with himself that he had trouble staying still. "I can drive you and then we will leave together when the practice is over. I could call Gaius and ask which days are best for him." Merlin nodded at him and kept smiling "That's awesome." He told Arthur sincerely "Thank you!"
Merlin had missed the elder man greatly and he had thought of him every day. Arthur's idea had it's risks but he pushed them from his mind. He couldn't ruin this from himself. Merlin wanted to hug Arthur, he was so happy. He wanted to show Arthur how much this meant to him...
'now, make me happy…' Uther's words echoed in Merlins mind and he was suddenly on his knees Uther's erection just centimetres away from his face. His words died in his throat and he felt sick. He must have made a weird sound or look because Arthurs expression had changed.
Merlin cleared his throat and laughed a little nervously. He concentrated on asking Arthur if he could tell Uther that he would stay tomorrow to talk with Lance about the arrangements. Arthur relaxed and they planned which way of asking was the best. They decided on asking at dinner. With Hunith present Uther would probably be more receiving.
After that Merlin taught some of the chemistry he had now memorised to Arthur and Arthur was pleased how easy it was to understand when Merlin was teaching him. After they agreed to do they homework together later in Arthurs room, Arthur left to call Lance if Merlin could come tomorrow already.
Merlin let himself fall to the couch so his face was where Arthur had sat. The spot smelled slightly like Arthur and he closed his eyes for a moment to enjoy that. He wondered how it would feel to have his head on Arthurs lap. He was happy that he could help Arthur with chemistry and not… not that… He shuddered at the image of Uther's thing and the words of making him happy or being obedient, a good boy…
Merlin suddenly felt sick. He rose quickly back to a sitting position, his breathing heavy like he had just run. 'No, no, no, no, Arthur would never want that…' Or would he? He wondered was that something he could do for Arthur. How would it differ to sucking Uther? Would Arthur be gentler or would he smell better? Uther's smell filled his nostrils and he had to move to his bathroom. He breathed too fast now and he leaned to his toilet seat.
He didn't throw up, but he had to stay there for a long time before he could be sure that he wouldn't vomit. 'I can't do it…' he thought. He felt the whole idea of getting on his knees repulsive and he couldn't stop hearing and smelling and feeling ghosts of Uther when he even thought of the possibility. And to him Arthur felt pure and normal and he didn't want to ruin that anymore than he already had. But if Arthur asked him to do that, Merlin knew that he couldn't say no… He hoped Arthur never would.
Merlin wasn't hungry. Again. But he kept putting the food in his mouth with a steady rhythm. 'Cut, in, chew, two, three, cut, in chew…' he ate with a mantra. Hunith was happy but seemed tired. She had lot to do before her exams but she was happy that the night shifts were over. It was about halfway through dinner when Uther had asked all the basic questions of their school day and homework situation "We still have some to do, but don't worry father, we are going to do them together after dinner." Arthur said almost sweetly to his father when he finally asked if they had finished their homework. Merlin wished Uther wouldn't forbid that too, but he just nodded at that. Everything to do with school seemed to hold a different priority to Uther. Merlin had learned just this spring how Arthur had managed to go to see his friends every time with an excuse of doing school work.
"Father, I have talked with our football coach and he said Merlin could come and help us during our practices and summer practices to earn extra credit for PE." Uther turned his head towards Merlin "Do you need extra credit?" His voice wasn't pleased but he was toning it down in Hunith's presence. Merlin nodded and tried to shallow the food he had in his mouth without succeed. "Dear, it's marvellous isn't it? Merlin spends too much time inside, some sports and fresh air would do him good." Hunith smiled at Merlin and told him "I am so proud of you Merlin, you have been working very hard this year." Merlin smiled at her and finally shallowed. Uther didn't look as pleased as his wife, but he smiled not to seem too demanding. It didn't fool Merlin.
"Then would you drive him home, Arthur?" Arthur nodded and told that it was no trouble and that Merlin would be a great help for their team. He even made an elaborated story of how much there was work to do and how their coach would have much more time for the team if he didn't have to run around doing errands. Uther seemed to get convinced and when Arthur mentioned the extra credit again Uther even smiled at them. That was rare and Merlin found himself to relax. He was going to meet Gaius again… Hopefully he would have time tomorrow already to go to see him and tell that he would start visiting again.
Merlin studied with Arthur until it was late. He made sure that Arthur knew everything backwards. He only stopped when Arthur started to yawn every other second. They were sitting side by side leaning on Arthurs couch like they usually did and Merlin knew he was sitting too close to Arthur, but when Arthur didn't move away himself, Merlin gave up to his want to stay close. 'Maybe I'm too self conscious. It seems that Arthur doesn't even notice… Maybe he sits this close to any of his friends and I'm just making this a huge deal…' On the other hand he decided that he wouldn't make a habit of this. It was hard to concentrate at times Arthur so close to him and he almost felt like Arthur could hear his unclean thoughts when he was this close.
When Arthur closed his last book and notes of chemistry, Merlin leaned on his direction automatically, but Arthur just turned to his direction and smiled with no care of the world. Merlin pulled back fast. He kicked himself mentally, he had been expecting a kiss. He felt his face heat. 'Idiot!' he told to himself but Arthur luckily didn't seem to notice. "Thank you Merlin, this was a lot of help." Merlin stopped blaming himself immediately and felt pleased instead. He smiled at Arthur. He had been able to help Arthur after all. He had something else than what Uther made him be at nights that he could use to give some of the help he had received from Arthur back.
When Merlin smiled back at Arthur, Arthur leaned towards Merlin and kissed him tenderly on the lips. Merlin melted to the kiss immediately. Arthur gave him butterfly kisses to his lips until Merlin started to move his lips with Arthur. The kiss was slightly different from what they usually were. Somehow a bit stronger. Merlin wondered was it because they were sitting so close. He usually kept as much distance to their bodies in fear of unwanted reactions as possible. Or maybe because Arthur seemed so relaxed? Merlin rose his hands in front of him to shield himself maybe to slow Arthur down a bit, but that didn't work so well. Arthur pushed a little closer and now Merlins hands were squeezed in between his and Arthurs chest. He felt Arthurs chest muscles through his t-shirt. Arthur was warm and soft, in a firm way, not bony at all like Merlin was.
Arthur deepened their kiss slightly taking Merlins lover lip in between his lips and wrapped his arm around Merlin pulling him to his embrace. Merlin stopped thinking then. A barrier broke inside inside him and he suddenly wanted to be closer to Arthur. As close as possible. His fingers wrapped to take a hold of Arthurs shirt and he opened his mouth slightly. Arthurs tongue licked his lover lip first hesitantly and lightly but when Merlin opened his mouth a bit more he got more confidence.
The kiss lasted longer than ever before and even if Merlin was hard like a stone he just moved his legs slightly so Arthur couldn't accidentally touch it with his leg. The sitting position was getting uncomfortable but neither seemed to mind much. And Merlin wanted more… He wanted to be closer, like his heart wanted to be closer to Arthur's and he pressed himself to Arthur's chest with more force. Arthur bought his other hand to hug Merlin and he pushed towards Merlin slightly.
With their position not too stable Merlin felt his balance waver. He suddenly became too aware to what this could lead to. He pulled back and placed one of his hands to the floor to stabilise himself. It didn't take long before Arthur too slowly pulled back and it almost hurt when Merlin felt Arthurs warm arms be replaced by cold air. He turned to lean on the couch and he moved to hug his knees so Arthur couldn't see the bulge on his pants. This position had started to feel like a habit.
They were silent for a while Arthur trying desperately find something to say. Arthur hoped that he hadn't gone too far… what if Merlin would get scared of him? He really didn't want that to happen. Merlin was calming down. He felt a war of feelings inside of him. He didn't know what had happened. He had lost all control over himself. What if he had fallen Arthur on top of him? Arthur would have noticed his hard on and Merlin was sure that would lead Arthur understanding that he had such dirty thoughts of him and that would lead him hating Merlin for sure. Maybe he would even tell Uther… Merlin shuddered and buried his head deeper into his knees (This movement made Arthur almost panic, he was now sure he had gone too far…) Merlins heart razed. He felt want and lust and need to be closer to Arthur but at the same time the thought of letting Arthur know that and the thought of sex itself won over them.
He felt very vividly how dirty he was. How Uther had made every bit of him soiled and he could never touch Arthur with his dirty body. But he had been close. He would blame himself for this for a long time. But now he couldn't do that. He had to say something to Arthur who hadn't said anything either. He raised his chin a word 'sorry' already on his lips when he saw Arthurs face.
There was worry written all over it and Merlin felt shamed that he had left Arthur there to think that he was at fault here. He had to tell him that was not the case. "Sorry about that…" He started with a quiet voice with no idea what he was going to say next. Arthur looked at him confuse now mixing with worry and Merlin tried to lighten the mood "How- I mean who taught you to kiss like that?" Arthur seemed to breath again but he blushed a little.
Merlin wasn't really expecting an answer and he was about to continue when Arthur said "you…" without looking at Merlin. Merlin blushed darkly and turned his head also. "I mean I haven't really kissed anyone else before…" Arthur continued and Merlin felt his heart raze. He was the only one that Arthur had kissed… His heart swell with happiness but his mind told it to stop that, that he was being selfish and he felt guilty that he had taken Arthurs first kiss(es).
"I… I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable…" Arthur said his voice shaking a little. 'No… it wasn't your fault' Merlin thought "it's alright… I was just surprised." he said instead. "I- it kind of got out of hand… I guess it was too much…" Arthur continued. 'No, I wanted it… I made you do it…' "Yeah…" Merlin was too afraid to be even remotely truthful and while he wanted to make Arthur know he wasn't at fault here, it was too easy just pretend it was just an unwanted accident and hopefully forget it.
"I promise it wont happen again so…" Arthur watched Merlins reaction very keenly. 'No, don't promise, I wan't more…' Merlin hurt when he realised that the possibility to kiss Arthur like that was getting wiped away but he still couldn't say anything else than "Yeah… it's for the best." He rose up happy that his erection had settled down and took his books. "Good night Arthur." He said from the door and closed it before Arthur had a change to reply. He went to his own room, closed the door and cried. He had messed everything up and now he wanted Arthur more and more. Was nothing enough for him?
He had made Arthur kiss him and now apparently Arthur liked to kiss him also. He didn't know for his life why. Was it because Arthur was curious and he didn't have time for girlfriend and Merlin just happened to be there? Convenient and available. Could he have infected Arthur with his homosexuality and now Arthur would also want to experiment kissing and other things with boys? Would he test it out with Merlin? Or was he just so innocent that he wanted to try kissing and it didn't really matter who but he would get crossed out if he ever knew Merlins real intentions?
Merlin wiped his eyes. He had to stop this. He couldn't let Arthur get sucked to his darkness anymore. His heart hurt with that thought and he felt it impossible. He wanted to be in Arthurs arms so much… But he had to. He could't be so near to Arthur anymore. He would sit further from him and he would not kiss him anymore. He couldn't just stop suddenly so Arthur wouldn't think he did something wrong but maybe, if he could just answer the kiss if Arthur made a move himself and make it brief and light and eventually avoid kissing as much as possible, maybe Arthur would just forget it. Merlin had to try. To protect him.
He breathed in and rose from the floor. He had to get himself ready for tomorrow and get some sleep. He bagged his gym clothes and a towel just in case and headed for a shower. He felt himself get hard at the memory of Arthurs kissing him with tongue but he refused to even look at himself. He washed quickly and ignored his erection while dressing to his pyjamas. He didn't know if Uther would come tonight. Maybe not because his wife was home… But Merlin didn't dare to go to his couch yet. If Uther found him sleeping there he would forbid it for sure and Merlin couldn't take that right now. So he climbed to his bed feeling like it was about to eat him. He usually waited reading or writing but after crying, Merlin was extremely tired. He soon felt his eyes close and he tried to psyche himself for that he would either wake up in the morning, lying in his bed or in the middle of the night woken up by Uther.
Merlin woke up in the morning when his alarm clock went off. He jumped out of his bed like it had burned him. His room was filled with morning light and that was the only thing that kept him silent and not screaming heap of panic until he could really understand that it was morning and he had slept trough the night.
After he realised that, Merlin actually felt fine. He had slept soundly the whole night for once having enough space for his legs and his bed was a very comfortable bed… His heart was still razing and he wiped some cold sweat from his forehead but otherwise than that, he felt good. Actually the world seemed nice and bright this morning. Merlin wondered how much of his depression was from him not sleeping well enough and being constantly hungry. 'Maybe I could sleep in my bed more often…' He mused before he remembered why he had stopped sleeping in it in the first place, but somehow it didn't matter so much anymore… maybe he could at least sleep in it when he was quite sure Uther wouldn't come at night. Waking up because of Uther filled him with terror but he didn't want to think that right now.
Merlin dressed and headed downstairs where he saw a bit uncomfortable looking Arthur. Had he started to regret last night? Had he realised what it could have led to? Merlin heard blood pump in his ears. He had decided that he would stop kissing Arthur but he didn't want him to hate him…
He said Arthur good morning as normally as he could manage and was happy that Arthur seemed to cheer up a bit and replied to his greeting. Arthur finished his breakfast just when Merlin sat down with his. He had taken as much as he thought he could possibly eat and Arthur seemed to find that hilarious. "Leave something to the rest of us, will you." Merlin smirked at him finding their normal interaction comfortable. "You ate yours already so no complaining. Besides if I ate as much as you do in a normal day we would have to sell you to a circus to cover the costs." Arthur laughed at him and told him that Merlin himself would be much more entertaining and more likely to be chosen to sell to a circus "I bet you would make a good circus monkey…" Merlin pushed his arm lightly trying to look annoyed and failing. Arthur smiled at him a smile that made Merlins world even more bright. He lowered his gaze to his breakfast and took one of his cheese sandwiches feeling his cheeks heat a little. Arthur collected his plate and ruffled Merlin hair on is way to kitchen. Merlin blushed which Arthur missed. This morning was good…
After school Merlin couldn't seem to believe his luck. He hadn't seen Uther at night, he hadn't seen him in the morning and now, he could go home with Arthur three hours later than usual. Awesome! He had eaten well and he was feeling great. Somehow he had even found his quilt dim a little after a good cry and a good night sleep.
Arthur had also been in a good mood the whole day so they joked and laughed as they were walking towards the gym. Lance was pleased to see Merlin look so happy and he felt like he had done the right thing when Merlin seemed genuinely happy to do the chores he showed him. First they changed nets for the goals while Arthur was doing the warm up routine and they laughed when Merlin found a hole he could climp trough. Lance seemed tired to Merlin and he was happy to help. The chores Lance gave him weren't' hard to complete, but he still praised Merlin as if he had done something truly impressive. It felt good.
Lance hadn't yet been able to make up the routine Merlin would have in the summer, so there was not enough to do for the whole practice givng Merlin some time he could enjoy watching Arthur lead the team. It was impressive how Arthur could make the team function and the players make the best of themselves. The guys in the team seemed to know this also and they really respected Arthur, Merlin could tell. Lance was also giving good advise to the team and to Arthur and Merlin saw they played well together. Merlin could now understand why Arthur trusted Lance and it was well earned.
About half way trough the practice they had a brake and Lance told Merlin about the things he could do during the summer and asked when he would be here. They agreed that Merlin would come every monday and then go to his own business on thursdays. To Lance it was alright and he told Merlin that if he wanted to go now somewhere he could. "I don't have much for you to do right now, honestly I had not prepared myself to have any help today, but in the summer I will trust you to prepare the stuff we need and help with some of the paperwork I have to do. Mostly statistics."
Merlin smiled at Lance and left as quickly as he could. Lance looked after him and shook his head. He was happy to see Merlin so animated but he really had to keep an eye on him. After all he had thought before, he was worried how he was doing at home.
Merlin jogged out of the school grounds. He was happy, so happy and it gave him energy. He was practically laughing when he saw Gwaine's store. There were some customers, apparently it really was busier this time a day as Gwaine had told Merlin before. Gwaine was behind his counter selling someone some candy but as soon as he saw Merlin he smiled at him brightly. "I thought you had gotten bored of me." He said smiling happily. Merlin waved him a bit and told him that he had been caught by his teacher making Gwaine laugh like he understood very well.
Some old lady came to pay and Gwaine had to concentrate on her for a while. Merlin looked around and decided to buy himself a sandwich. He could share it with Arthur on the way home, Arthur was sure to be hungry after the practice. Gwaine put the sandwich into a plastic bag and one beer with it and winked. Merlin took the bag feeling like he could hug Gwaine. He would need this beer eventually. They talked a bit and Gwaine was happy to hear he would visit him every week at summer "Thursdays are good. It's usually quiet in between twelve to about four o'clock so I'll have time for you." Merlin left the store soon after that. He didn't find himself comfortable in the store when there were so many people he didn't know and he wanted to make it to Gaiuses house as well.
Gaius was surprised and happy to see him and he immediately pulled Merlin in for some tea. Merlin hid his plastic bag near the entrance outside. He didn't want Gaius to see he had bought beer. Gaius was happy to hear that Merlin would visit him regularly and that it wasn't during school hours. Merlin didn't mention that he was lying to his mother and step-father about where he was, but he was happy to see Gaius. They talked a while and Merlin helped Gaius to get some books from top of his shelf.
When it was time to go, Merlin hugged the old man and told him he would look forward to summer. Gaius laughed at him asking if all kids of his age didn't, and took Merlin to the door. He was happy to see Merlin again and well. He had been worried when Merlin hadn't showed up one week. He had received a phone call from Arthur telling him everything was alright, but that they couldn't visit because his father grounded them. That had made sense to Gaius, but he had been sad that he didn't have his visitor anymore. He hadn't been sure if Merlin could get a permission to visit him again. After all he was an adult and he should have repotted to the school or even to Merlins parents where he was and when, but somehow he had never done that. 'Well, I'm clad that things turned out this way.' He thought to himself. There was only few weeks to summer and he already started planing what he could do with Merlin. 'Maybe he would like to play some scrabble with me…' He shook his head a little to himself. It had been long time since he had been this excited about something. 'I must be growing old…'
When Arthur walked to his car, Merlin was there waiting for him. He was eating one of Gwaine's sandwiches and Arthurs stomach grumbled. He wasn't sure if Merlin just happened to look at his direction or if he had heard his stomach but he smiled at him anyway making Arthurs tiredness fly away. He opened his cars backseat door and threw his stuff in. Merlin did the same and they sat in the car. Merlin offered him the rest of his sandwich and Arthur took it gratefully. He had almost finished eating before he realised it was chicken. "Hey, since when have you eaten meat again?" Merlin looked a bit ashamed and said "Well I didn't think you would want vegetarian one… and I actually haven't told Gaius or Gwaine about that… it's too much trouble for them I think." Arthur nodded at that. It made sense. It's not like Merlin was allergic to meat and making an old man like Gaius be considerate of things like that was kinda rude in a way.
They drove home talking about how Gaius and Gwaine were and how the part where Merlin had been in the practice had went. Merlin didn't admit that he had admired Arthurs style but Arthur sort of guessed it a bit and teased Merlin about joining his fan club which made Merlin demand the rest of his sandwich back. They had fun. Merlin again remembered how important Arthurs friendship was to him. He could give up the kissing any day if it meant he could keep this. It was pity that the reality was more complicated than that.
The rest of the school year was busy. The exams were coming and Uther made it known that they were expected to get the highest marks possible in every subject. Merlin heard one evening how Hunith was arguing with Uther if he was going too far, it was too much pressure to try to be on the top of everything. But Uther stayed firm on his opinion and told Hunith that it was no use on expecting to be the second best. His way would make the boys work harder and accomplish something with their lives. Merlin thought that it was not Uther's business if he accomplished something or not with his life.
Still Merlin didn't have to do anything special. Even if he wasn't really interested himself anymore of most of the subjects and studying hadn't been his only way of escaping reality for a while, Merlin had found new motivation from helping Arthur who wasn't so 'lucky'. He had his busiest season in football and a horrible amount of stress piling on his shoulders. At the same time they had more homework and assignments than ever and Merlin was doing his best to help Arthur to get through them. He was clad that he could help but he didn't like to see how tired Arthur really was. When one evening they were sitting again leaning to the couch Merlin explaining one thing or the other about human biology he suddenly felt Arthurs weight on his shoulder. He froze. When Arthur didn't make any kind of movement Merlin finally dared to turn his head and he saw Arthur had fallen asleep.
Merlin didn't know what to do. The contact felt weird but not unwanted and soon Merlin became to like it. Sleeping Arthur was also a nice sight and he looked so tired… Merlin didn't have heart to wake him up.
He pushed Arthur gently so his head would lean to the couch instead and moved to take a blanket of some sorts but Arthur mumbled something and moved his hands to hug him. Merlin made a small 'eep' sound and fell back to a sitting position. His cheeks burned and he was starting to be very conscious of the unlocked door. What if someone walked in and saw Arthur hugging him? Uther would definitely blame Merlin… He tried to free himself as gently as possible but Arthur was strong and his limb heavy when he was asleep. Merlin sighed eventually and gave up. Arthur was warm and he smelled nice. Merlin decided that to Arthur he wasn't one to blame so he could as well enjoy this while it lasted and well, he would just have to hope that if someone came in, they would knock first.
Arthur had dozed off for a second but he had woken up when Merlin tried to move him. He was tired and he didn't want to wake up. He didn't have any strength in his limbs. He kind of tried to tell Merlin to let him sleep and he hugged Merlin closer to his side. Arthur thought it was better if Merlin didn't realise he was awake so he just stayed there not moving. Merlin tried to get away for a while but eventually gave up. Arthur felt really good like this and he felt himself nod of again. He smelled Merlins shampoo from where he was leaning and he liked it very much. He drifted in between sleep and awake for a while until his neck hurt and he thought that he had to let Merlin go. He slowly moved his arms in a way like he was stirring from his sleep and opened his eyes. Merlin was reading a book and he made no movement to indicate that Arthurs leaning to him was any sort of an uncommon thing. That made Arthur hope it really would be so. That they were really dating and that they would live together and that him leaning to Merlin's shoulder was an everyday occurrence.
Merlin looked at him and gave him a small smile. "You should go to sleep, we can continue tomorrow." He said and started to gather his things. Arthur knew that Merlin was right. He should sleep. But he didn't want Merlin to go. "Couldn't you sleep here tonight?" He asked before he could think it trough. Merlin stopped what he was doing and for a moment he looked like he would say yes, but then he adverted his eyes and looked… bitter?
"I can't. You remember what your father said." Arthur frowned at that. He hadn't thought of what his father had said after that day, but Merlin seemed to remember and Arthur didn't want him to remember how sleeping in his room was shameful and gay. "I don't care." That's it. He had said that. He didn't care what his father thought of him liking boys. He didn't care what his father thought about Merlin either. He didn't even know if Merlin was gay but if he was, Arthur would be glad.
Merlin was surprised. He wasn't sure if Arthur really meant what he hoped he meant but it made him happy even if a bit unsure. He wanted to say so badly that he neither, but he couldn't because he really cared. His whole life was based on Uthers opinions and defying him would just make him suffer more. That and Uther hadn't been in his room for days now. The changes were high of him coming tonight and if Merlin wasn't there… he didn't dare to think about that. He looked at the floor and continued collecting his stuff. "I don't want any trouble…" Arthur felt his heart sink. He practically had told Merlin (kinda) that he liked him and Merlin had practically replied that he didn't. Or at lest that it wasn't worth the trouble.
He turned his head away and listened Merlin get up and walk away. When he heard Merlin tell him good night with a quiet voice he didn't reply. He soon heard the door close and he hit the floor. He was frustrated and sad and he regretted of saying anything. This was so unfair. He liked Merlin so much… and yet he couldn't even say it to him straight. And because of his father was so… well anyway, he couldn't even talk to anyone about this. He didn't want to speak with Hunith because he didn't know her so well and his best friend was the source of his problems. While he liked his team mates and especially Elyan, he really couldn't talk with any of them. They wouldn't understand and he wasn't sure if he understood even himself really. Why was he in love with Merlin? Couldn't he have fallen for someone else? Like, if this was his way of finding out he was gay, couldn't he have fallen for someone from his team? Someone handsome or something? Or even to some actor or what ever. Why to his supposed-to-be-brother? What if he was some kind of pervert. Wasn't there a name to this? Incest… He shuddered and felt horrible. Maybe it was good that Merlin had left. It would be better to everyone if he stayed away from Arthur.
Arthur didn't bother to shower that night and he slept poorly even thought he was tired to the bone. He even tried his couch the way Merlin always slept and while it was in a way comforting, it reminded him constantly of Merlin and made him unable to sleep. He was sure he hadn't slept at all but when his alarm woke him up, he realised that he must have fallen asleep at some point. There was only one and a half week school left and Arthur vowed to get trough them and then he would sleep for at least a week. His father having an opinion about it or not. And preferably he would do so with Merlin at least in the same room. Maybe he could arrange a sleepover at Elyan's some weekend… That would also show Merlin that he could just sleep next to him and nothing would come out of it. This thought gave him enough strength to crawl out of is bed. One and a half weeks left…
A/N Hello! I'm back home and I have internet again! I love summer so much, the country side is so beautiful and I got to swim in a lake and eat too much food grilled with camping fire. Merlin is really at his limits now. He has enormous stress and on top of that he wants to act like himself with Arthur. Even at home and the walls between his school-self and the real self are crumbling. Soon there is no way that it can be ignored.
I'd like to expres my gratitude for Blood Thirsty Angle for reading this chapter in advantage and correcting some spelling mistakes and giving me some advise, thank you!
And the same goes for my lovely reviewers! I find myself updating my account many times a day just to see if I have gotten more comments. I love to hear your opinions and your questions and I truly feel that there is a point in my hobby of writing. I wish I can have the support you have given me till the end of my story and that you will continue to enjoy it :) Have a nice week you all, I'll update the next chapter on wednesday!
bubzchoc Thank you :)
mersan123 Hi! I might be a little bit scared to know what you would do with Uther in only five minutes... To answer your wondering, Gwaine doesn't think much, it's not that unusual for a regular customer not to show up. It usually doesn't mean they are dead (even if in the neighbour there lives quite a few old people and with them one can never be entirely sure...), but the second week on the row he wonders a bit. Gaius on the other hand is first confused and then annoyed and then a bit worried. But both did miss Merlin. They like him. This is not maybe explained in the chapter very well, so I thought I'd just tell you. I have a horrendous amount of side notes from where I get this all... I might have added a little bit of Susan here and there :) I'm relieved to hear that the language is not that different, but I might have to use that line you wrote :D G'day mate!
LordOfTehRainbow I hope that you like merthur, because that will just increase towards the end :D I love the way you wonder what is going to happen next and most of the times you are very near or guessing stuff that I don't want to spoil for you, but to answer some, Morgana will make her appearance and then you will see what is her story. So far we know that in her teens she and Uther didn't get along and that at least once Uther has lost his temper totaly with her and hit her (btw, that is so not right thing to do!). And yep, Uther has done all of those things to Merlin. That is the long term horrible side of sexual abuse. It's not just that someone sticks a body part in a child and that might hurt, but the emotional trauma which is different for everyone. Merlin reacts by shutting down and physically stressing with his stomach. He is depressed which at times makes him moody and at times uninterested and distracted. About if Uther would actually do the same thing for his son... well, I have written a profile of Uther, and maybe that would give some answers, but I think that I'll put it in authors notes when it won't spoil anything. The good thing when making a realistic scenario is that there is not just one path. That keeps the possibilities open. If you are interested, I can send the profile to you in advantage :) Btw, I didn't know there was a one review limit per chapter... But if you feel that you forgot to ask something, you can always PM me :)
Angel Dove1 Yeah, it's not that obvious thing to guess that ones father is raping their step brother... But at the same time it feels that everything is not quite right. Gaius would do good for Arthur, even if he is not abused that way, he has not received the love he deserves. Thank you for telling me your favourite part :) I enjoyed writing that one, so I'm very happy to hear you liked it too.
Skypeoplephoenix732 O.o You scare me a little bit... Yeah, Merlin is just now so wrapped up inside of himself that he can't see what is quite obvious before him. That and he's a teenager, nothing about love is obvious with teenagers. Now the homophobic slur hits also Arthur even if Uther doesn't know that yet. It's not good that Arthur has to hear it even if he already knows what his father thinks of the theme. But that he got to see really how strongly Merlin reacts to it... well, at least they are getting to know each other better... I tried to find that story from bible, but I guess that it's named differently in my language. What a gory book that one is...
Guest Very interesting question, so far we have seen Uther use those pictures for scaring and blackmailing Merlin to do what he wants. I haven't written anything in point of Uther's view, so I think it won't spoil much if I tell you that you can think those pictures also as childpornography. It is a high compliment to me that you don't know how this story is going to turn out :) I like it very much that my story is not predictable, so I'll not tell you what is going to happen, sorry about that ;) I hope you will continue reading and to hear what you think about the results when we get there!
Vivaly First of all I want to say that you write in english very well so no worries :) I tell you this, but english is actually my third language, so I'm not sure who I'm to speak... It's so nice to hear that you have liked my story (enough to read all of this in two days!) and that you like the slow pace, I was quite worried if nobody would like my story because it's so slow... Yeah, Hunith and Merlin are growing apart and that is very sad and very slow and hard to turn around in the future. I'm happy to tell you that you will see more Lance in the next chapters :) He has been a bit slow and yes, teachers are supposed to learn to see this kind of things, but it's not easy and Lance is not actually a taecher, but a substitute. Lance sees Merlin along with almost 25 students two hours every week. On last class of monday. And his step-brother is fine and he knows him and he knows that Arthur likes Merlin. It's not very likely that there is something wrong at home or at least it's very unlikely and is very hard to start to pursue. He has tried to find signs of buling at school and other troubles but had found nothing. At the same time his coleagues are not interested... to his credit, he has tried everything he should and more. Please tell me what you think about Lance's actions from now on, I would be truly interested :)