Helping out was surprisingly fun. Even if the jobs Merlin had to do were mundane at most, that also meant that Merlin was able to pick them up quite fast and that led to Lance complementing him and even few of the players thanking him occasionally. Lance had managed to make him a list of chores that Merlin could do and Merlin found it rewarding when he could put a small 'check' mark next to a completed task.
After doing everything on the list, Merlin had some time just to follow the practices. The school games were over for the year but they would play in some local matches trough the summer. Still the air was lighter and it seemed the whole bunch of them was here just to play for fun. Merlin enjoyed watching and especially Arthur who looked like he was breathing again now that all the stress from school was gone, but his tiredness was catching up and the warm summer sun didn't help at all.
Merlin was very close of just lying down on the grass next to the field and closing his eyes for a second when Lance came to tell him that they could manage for a while without him if he wanted to just take a walk or something. "Yeah, actually there is just so much that I can watch football before falling asleep..." He said with a grin, happy that he was given the opportunity.
They agreed that Merlin would come back at the brake in the middle, some of the things needed to be done twice during the practises. "I could also show you some of the paperwork I usually do after the practices, I'm sure you could handle some, you were much faster than I thought you would be." Lance told him also smiling feeling that this was not a bad idea at all. Maybe he could convince Merlin continue to help the next semester too?
Merlin left feeling the compliment swell in his chest. It felt good that Lance had confidence in him and that he appreciated the work he had done. He felt like he could fill hundreds of water bottles and carry all the stuff he could find around if it meant that his efforts were noticed like this.
Merlin walked to Gwaine's store in high spirits. He would have liked to see Gaius also, but they had agreed on thursday so he didn't want to bother the elder man with an unannounced rushed visit. Gwaine was just making his famous sandwiches when Merlin walked in. He was happy to see Merlin and offered him a sandwich. Merlin bought two just in case. He was hungry and food did wonders to him. After half of the sandwich he didn't feel so cold anymore, even if he noticed how cold he had been only when he suddenly had started to warm up. He was quite sure his face was getting some colour back.
After a while Merlin gathered some courage and asked Gwaine "Can I buy some beer to take with me?" Gwaine looked at him thinking something. Merlin felt a bit worried with Gwaine looking at him like that. Like he could tell what Merlin was thinking just by looking closely enough.
"I could…" 'but?' Merlin thought "but you are returning to the school, right?" Merlin hadn't expected this. He nodded hesitantly, he wasn't sure where Gwaine was going with that. "Even I'm not so stupid that I would let you return to your practice carrying beer in a plastic bag." Merlin felt stupid. Of course he couldn't do that. He cursed himself for not taking his gym bag with him. "But if you take something you can hide them well enough next time, I'll see what I can do." Merlin was relieved at that. He was thankful that Gwaine never asked him why he drank nor told him that it was wrong. He knew all than already but now his own curiosity took a better of him.
"Why do you sell to me?" He wasn't sure if he would regret asking or not, but he took a risk. "I mean, you know I'm a minor and still… why?" Gwaine looked at him for a while, thinking what to answer. "You just looked like you needed it." Merlin was surprised at the serious tone Gwaine had. "When I was your age, believe me, I was far worse than you. I'm not in a position to tell anyone not to drink." Merlin wanted to hear more. Gwaine rarely talked about himself this seriously much less his background. "And to be fair with you, I like you quite a lot and I would hate to see you go to buy your poison from someone who didn't give a damn as long as you paid them."
Merlin felt warm inside. Gwaine really was a friend. "Thanks…" He knew he wouldn't buy anything from anyone else than Gwaine. He told as much to Gwaine who grinned "Yeah I know, we have a deal, remember?" Merlin remembered now. He had completely forgotten it until Gwaine mentioned it and Merlin was happy that Gwaine really had valued his word. Merlin bought one more sandwich for Arthur as a way of thanks and he left to see the rest of the practice. He promised to come around ten next thursday and after few more jokes from Gwaine Merlin left.
Merlin felt much better now. His side was still hurting and his hips had seen better days but he could take it now. He happened to come to the field just as the brake begun. Many of the players had bought some lunch with them and Arthur was already eating when Merlin came to sit next to him. Arthur looked questioningly the bag Merlin had with him and Merlin offered him one spicy turkey sandwich. Arthurs eyes lit and he was happy if not slightly jealous that Merlin had seen Gwaine. He had one paranoid theory that maybe Merlin liked Gwaine and thats why he had wanted to practice kissing with Arthur but he tried to remind himself every time he grew suspicious that he was just being paranoid because he was so unsure of his and Merlin's relationship.
Suddenly there was a whine in the air. Jordan had forgotten his lunch and he was hungry. He had apparently completely forgot that the school cafeteria wasn't open during the summer and he was suffering from the consequences now. Merlin felt pity towards him so he got up. He walked to Jordan who was trying to get some of Oliver's lunch in vain. "Here." Merlin said and offered his remaining sandwich, pesto and mozzarella.
Jordans eyes widened and he looked like an angel had arrived before his eyes "Wow, Merlin you are the man!" He took the offered lunch and started to eat with delight. Oliver told Merlin was being too nice and warned Jordan not to get used to this. Merlin took a part of the joke telling that next time he would make Jordan pay him a deliver fee and Jordan grinned at him mouth full of bread. "If I'm ever an ass towards you, remind me of this piece of heaven right here." Merlin laughed at him and told him that was just the matter of time before making his way back to sit where Arthur was. He drank some juice and stole a bite of Arthur's sandwich, which was technically his. Arthur gave him some reluctantly. Merlin made a note that Arthur liked this spicy turkey filling.
Merlin helped around for the rest of the practice and while he was an outsider, the team took him in surprisingly fast. After only one practice everyone acted like he was their team mascot and had been there always. Merlin was clad and he was happy to see an important part of Arthur's life close up. He also had a lot of fun. After answering to at least half of the members of the team that no, he wasn't coming next time and yes, he was coming again next monday Arthur practically dragged him to his car. He wanted to get home to eat some more. Apparently fresh air made him hungry.
On the night before thursday Merlin was sleeping on his couch like normally. He had waited for Uther to show up until midnight and after that he had decided that he wasn't coming. His mother was home and it was already this late… But he was wrong. He woke up when Uther shook him harshly. Merlin screamed shortly but Uther silenced him by placing his hand over his mouth and nose squeezing his head against the cushion. Merlin breathed in through Uther's fingers. It felt suffocating.
Uther leaned closer to him and more hissing than actually whispering he asked Merlin "What is this nonsense?" Merlin breath quickened but he couldn't answer anything at all Uther's hand covering his mouth and Uther didn't seem to care for his answer either. He pulled Merlin up turned his back against his chest so he could keep his hand covering Merlin's mouth. Merlin didn't know if he wanted to make Merlin feel helpless or did he think Merlin would scream again? If so, he had no idea that Merlin couldn't scream even if he tried, he was too scared of Uther.
Uther pushed Merlin to the bed finally letting go of his face. Merlin felt himself being pushed to the mattress by his neck and he heard a familiar jiggling sound. Uther pulled his hands up and he felt the cold sharp metal against his wrists. Uther had gotten a new pair of handcuffs. Merlin tried to struggle but it was in wain. Uther was sitting on top of him and there was no change to fight that.
Uther pulled Merlin's pyjama pants off and his shirt up. Merlin felt Uther's tongue trail his lover back and it made him shiver. It felt disgusting. Merlins legs were spread forcefully and Merlin could feel a bruise form in his inner thigh. Uther penetrated him harshly without preparing him with his fingers first and Merlin had to bite his his pillow so he wouldn't make any sound. Uther took his time to come and Merlin heard his camera a couple of times. Uther made Merlin look at some of the shots and Merlin hated what he was seeing. His skinny body wasn't pretty and compared to Arthur and he looked younger than he really was. His pyjama shirt (blue with stars) pulled up and visible in the pictures didn't help the impression at all. The contrast of being handcuffed and Uther's thing inside of his hole made Merlin sick and he knew he would throw up again after Uther was gone.
At some point Uther had put the phone away and he leaned next to Merlin's ear. "Kiss me." He said while resting his hand on Merlin's neck. Merlin was close to tears while he took every last bits of courage he got and said with a shaky voice "No." Uther didn't say anything but tightened his hold on Merlin's neck until Merlin couldn't breath. Uther was pounding into him and he couldn't breath. Would he die? Would Uther kill him for disobeying him? Merlin strugled as much as he could and his panic fueled his movements but finally he saw dots and he couldn't move anymore. Then suddenly Uther's hands were gone and Merlin gulped air. His throat hurt with every breath but he could breath again. He was alive.
Uther came soon after pulling out of Merlin and letting his load shoot on Merlin's back. Merlin breathed in Uther's smell and remained very still. He was so afraid. He feared for his life now. For all the fear Uther had caused him, this was yet new kind of fear.
Uther was soon gone the handcuffs in his pocket. Even thought Uther had freed Merlin, when he tried to go to his bathroom, his legs gave in. He dragged himself towards bathroom but he threw up before he could get there. He shivered half naked, covered in cum and his shirt stained with vomit. He was again in the bottom and he knew it. Uther had strangled him. His death was one thing in his short list of the things he could decide himself even thought he had promised himself he wouldn't think that anymore. It felt like a part of him had been ripped off when he had realised that Uther could kill him. That was too horrible to even think about. Merlin tried to move again but the best he could do was to crawl. He was again shivering with cold and he wondered had he gotten so thin that he couldn't produce heat anymore.
He threw up once more and he took a long shower sitting on the floor. It took a long time before he could finally stand. He cleaned the vomit from the floor and hoped the maid wouldn't notice. 'At least it's not blood this time…' he found something to be positive about. He forced himself to look at his mirror and saw dark marks on his neck where Uther fingers had pressed. He felt like something hit him to his gut when he saw them. He would have to cover them up with something. He tried on some of his old necker chiefs and finally found one large enough to cover his neck. It was also blue in colour so it made the bruises disappear better. He had only few hours to sleep and he crawled back to his couch. It was cold even under his blanket and he wished he could go to sleep next to Arthur 'He would be warm…' was his last coherent thought before drifting to sleep.
The second Merlin got out from Arthur's car Merlin took his gym bag and started to walk towards Gwaine's shop. "You can leave that to my car…" Arthur tried to tell Merlin but he just yelled back at him "I have a book I want return to Gaius." without turning to look at him or stopping. Arthur didn't bother to ask why didn't Merlin just take the book out then. Instead he yelled good day to his back and Merlin answered to him by waving without turning around. Arthur settled to think that Merlin was in a hurry to get to meet Gaius. He sighed. It was much more fun when Merlin had been around on monday he had also hoped for a kiss… They hadn't had so many chances to that lately with school ending and all. Arthur had gotten one small kiss two days ago but not since and Arthur wanted nothing more than to hold Merlin again in his arms. 'Well, no use on dwelling on that now' he thought and headed to the locker rooms hoping that Merlin would be in a good mood after seeing Gaius and Gwaine.
Gwaine was waiting Merlin to appear at any moment. He had just finished his opening ruttiness and he had four cans of beer siting on his counter waiting for Merlin. He had decided that four should be enough for a week. That way Merlin couldn't get too drunk even if he drank them all at once and he couldn't drink every night either. Gwaine had made his mistakes and while he felt that Merlin was old enough to know if he wanted some beer now and then, he didn't want to help ruin Merlin health either. And Merlin was light. If Gwaine hadn't seen him gain height during the year and always eat his sandwiches (which weren't from the lightest side of snack either) he would have been worried about that too.
Merlin came soon enough when Gwaine was just cutting bread. He had an oven in the back and he was currently cooking some bacon and chicken for his form of art, as he liked to call his sandwiches. Merlin looked pale. That was the first thing Gwaine noticed and when Merlin's eyes found the beer immediately Gwaine knew something was wrong. He tried to make a joke out of it when Merlin made a beeline to his counter ready to pay for his beer. "Well, hello to you too… I see who you really came to see today…" Merlin looked at him embarrassed. "Sorry… can I pay for a sandwich too? I'll take what ever I smell you have in the oven." Gwaine smiled at him and wiped his hands to take Merlins money which was always cash nowadays. He gave Merlin the change and Merlin pocketed it. He put the beer in to his bag but left one and just popped it open.
Now Gwaine was worried. "Is everything alright?" It wasn't too usual for him to be this direct but now was one of those times that he knew he had to. Merlin took a long gulp from his beer and ignored how his throat burned. He was going to lie and tell Gwaine everything was fine but when he was about to he saw Gwaine's face and he couldn't "No." was the only thing he could think of.
Worry flashed in Gwaine's eyes and he continued "Is there anything I can do?" Merlin lowered his gaze and said again "No…" Gwaine sighed. "But you will tell me if there is something, right?" Merlin looked at him and he still couldn't bring himself to lie to Gwaine "I don't know…" He really didn't. He wanted to tell everything to Gwaine but there was just too high wall of fear inside him. He wasn't even sure anymore what he was so afraid of. Everyone knowing he was gay or that he loved Arthur and had kissed him or how Uther would kill him if he ever told anyone.
Gwaine left his work and pulled Merlin to come with him by his shoulder. He took him to the back and pulled two chairs from some corner. He placed them next to the oven (there wasn't really much choice, the place was narrow) and motioned Merlin to sit on the one next to the oven. The oven was radiating heat and Merlin wondered if Gwaine guessed he was cold.
"Merlin, I say this to you as a friend now. I know it's not easy to find someone one can talk about their life. But know that if you need me to, I'll listen and I wont judge you." Merlin wasn't so sure about that but was grateful for the offer. "I wont force you to talk and I know this closet for a store isn't the best of the places to talk either, but just keep that in mind." Merlin nodded and took a sip from his beer. It was traveling to his head faster than a train but he didn't care because it made him feel warmer.
"Lets do it this way..." Gwaine said and took the beer from Merlins hands gently "I'll make you some special breakfast, my style, and after you have eaten, you can finnish your beer." Merlin wanted to protest but Gwaine was right. His head was already spinning a little and the last thing he wanted to do right now was to throw up in Gwaine's store. "And Merlin, in the risk of sounding sappy I want to tell you an advise I got a long time ago." Merlin looked at Gwaine and nodded to tell him that he was listening "Everyone have secrets, but no-one should have any secrets that they have told nobody. One should never tell everything to anyone but still tell everything to someone." Merlin wondered the meaning for a while. It was an unusual advise.
"I'm pretty sure it was phrased differently, but the meaning is quite same…" Gwaine said scratching the back of his neck. Merlin could imagine what Gwaine was trying to tell him. Even to your best friend you shouldn't tell every single thing and secret of your life but it was bad to carry secrets on your back. Sometimes it could be good to lessen the burden by telling stuff to you other friends, maybe even parents or teacher or complitely strangers. He nodded again and Gwaine smiled at him brightly "Ok, that aside, I'll make you something to eat now." Gwaine magically made some salami and eggs appear and with some onion he made Merlin an omelet that could have been the sun of Merlin's universe right now. He ate while Gwaine took the bacon and chicken out of the oven and put them to cool down after he had thrown few pieces of bacon on Merlins plate.
"Oh and speaking about secrets. This one I'm only telling you. That advise I just told you, I have never told anyone that I found it useful or even that I actually remember it. In fact I pretended I wasn't listening when it was given to me." Merlin held onto this information. He felt special and important enough for Gwaine to share his secrets. He knew he was pushing it but he still asked "Who was it that gave you this advise?" Gwaine looked to the door like he was checking that no-one was listening "My old man." Merlin was surprised. Of Gwaine answering and for him mentioning his father. He never talked about his family and Merlin had gathered Gwaine had been quite a wild in his teens but still he seemed to own this little store in a fairly nice area. He also lived here, just upstairs of the store. Merlin had often wondered what had Gwaine done to get this place and how on earth did he manage to keep customers coming when he seemed lazy and weird at the first glance.
"Aren't you in good terms?" Gwaine smirked at him and started to cut the chicken. "Nah, we get along fine now that he is out of my hair and I'm out of his." He said it like he didn't really care either way but Merlin saw trough him. He cared for his father and he listened to his advise. Merlin was ready to bet that getting a store was his fathers idea and he was sure that his father was proud of his son making fullest out of it and making it look like his own. Merlin smiled at Gwaine feeling a lot better. "I don't get along with Arthur's father." That was the understatement of the year but Merlin wanted to share something back.
Gwaine looked at him smiling "But you get along with Arthur…very well I might add…" Merlin blushed darkly and Gwaine grinned like a Cheshire cat on high. Merlin took his beer from where Gwaine had placed it into a table next to him and Gwaine didn't protest when he took a long sip from it. Merlin felt a lot better now. His head wasn't spinning now that he had some food in his stomach and the beer and the oven together with the food was making him warm completely. Gwaine looked like he was about to comment but to Merlin's relief there was some customers coming in. Gwaine closed partially the thin sliding door in between the back and the store. Merlin could see that there were two of them and both dressed up in uniforms. They were police officers. Merlin heart stopped and he leaned so that as much as possible of him was behind the door and he pushed the rest of his beer out of sight.
"Good morning! Do you have anything with roast beef today?" One of them greeted Gwaine. "Nope, but try this one with chicken, bacon and avocado. Of course if you are not on diet anymore…" The other one laughed at that and replied "If you wait until this guy have completed his diet you will die of old age. Give us two of them, one or two slices of bacon won't change anything in your diet." The first one grumbled but took the sandwich Gwaine was offering. "To the tab or will you pay now?" Gwaine asked. These guys must visit here quite often. "I'll pay today, we are not in a hurry right now…" Gwaine took the price and seemed to add something to it, possibly from the 'tab'. After the officers had left Gwaine returned to the kitchen.
"I'll have to start moving now, they were just the first ones, I'll have some other regulars here soon demanding food for their soul. Some days I swear that if the customers don't get their food fast enough they will eat me while waiting." Merlin laughed at that and gulped down the last of his beer. "I'll have to get to Gaius, he's waiting for me." Gwaine smiled at him and told he would look forward to see Merlin next week. Merlin tried to pay something for his omelet but Gwaine refused "Just don't tell a soul. Otherwise I'll have half of the neighbourhood demand me to cook for them. These people around… one would think their kitchens are for decoration only."
Merlin left and felt lighter if not somehow thin mentally when he walked towards Gaius' house. He didn't know what Gwaine had been about to ask from him but in a weird way he felt disappointed that he couldn't tell him more. He really was tired of secrets.
Gaius was sitting in his garden on a bench he and Merlin had bought there from Gaius' cellar. He waved at him when he saw Merlin pass the wall. Merlin circled around the house and to the garden. The sun was warm today and Gaius had been reading a book. "I thought this might interest you." He said when Merlin sat next to him. He closed the book and gave it to Merlin.
Merlin was grateful. He had been needing something to read. "Thank you. I have your other book back…" He turned to take the book from his bag but Gaius wrinkled his nose to Merlin and asked "Have you been drinking?" Merlin froze and his body language gave him away immediately. "Merlin! I'm disappointed in you. And it's still morning!" This hurt Merlin. He had been afraid of Uther but this hurt more and in a whole different way than Uther's rage. He hated the disappointed look in Gaius' face and the tone that suggested that Merlin had done wrong and Gaius knew Merlin had known and done it anyway.
"Is there some reason to this?" Merlin was taken aback. He hadn't waited a question of his reasons. Suddenly it became impossible to lie to Gaius. There was definitely something wrong with him today.
Merlin nodded and he felt tears built behind his eyes. Gaius leaned forward to see Merlins face better and worry was written all over his face. Merlin wanted so desperately Gaius to like him, but he couldn't make him worry about him while lying of the reasons. Merlin was tired of lying. "I-I'm gay…" He said and tears started to run down his face and he was on the border of hyperventilating. He had said it. He had never said it to anyone. Not even to himself out loud. He had been close and Uther knew and Arthur must have at least wondered but to say it out loud felt like a huge relieve at the same time as a huge fear was released. He had no control over it now. He could just watch a huge snowball that he had tried to keep on a top of a mountain with all his strength, roll down.
"I-I" Merlin had to breath in slowly to complete "I understand if-if you want me to leave." Merlin closed his eyes to get rid of some tears. He felt Gaius' hand on his shoulder. He was partially waiting to get hit but when Gaius spoke, his voice was gentle. "Nonsense. Come on, lets go inside and I'll make us some tea." Merlin nodded and let Gaius pull him up and guide inside. Merlin sat on the table and Gaius went upstairs to make tea. He had told Gaius. He had told and he was still sitting here.
When Gaius came back, Merlin rose to help him carry the tea and the cups out of a habit. Gaius sat on the opposite side of the table and poured them some tea. Merlin looked at the steam coming from his mug his mind blank. "So, what you told me, have you known for long or was it just a recent thing?" Merlin was clad that Gaius was asking him questions easy enough to answer "I have known… for a long time." He answered with quiet voice still following the movements of the steam. "So that was the reason you were hiding in my bushes?" Merlin nodded. "I understand if you hate me now…" Merlin had to hear it spelled out one more time from Gaius.
"Merlin, I wont judge you. I know there are some people in the world who would and will, but remember, there is nothing wrong with being homosexual." Merlin looked at Gaius now and saw the same warm smile and sincere eyes, eyebrows up looking at him. Merlin felt a bang of guilt. He had to make Gaius see the whole problem, he had to tell him how messed up he really was.
"I'm in love with my brother." He said looking Gaius straight in the eye. He felt unusually calm now and his voice was sure and clear. He usually didn't refer Arthur as his brother but now he wanted to make the situation clear. Gaius didn't actually look even surprised but he asked "Arthur?" Merlin nodded feeling shame. There was again tears in his eyes and he lowered his gaze again. Gaius took a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped gently some of Merlin's tears away.
"You don't know why I was born this way do you?" Merlin asked him with a quiet voice encouraged by the gentle touch. Merlin valued Gaius' opinion very high. What ever he would tell him now Merlin would believe. "No." was Gaius' reply and Merlin felt disappointed. His lips twisted a bit in irony "I'm not a monster, am I?" Gaius folded the handkerchief to the table and lowered his head so he could see Merlin's eyes. "Don't ever think that." he said in a serious but kind tone. Merlin felt desperate and he looked into Gaius' eyes leaning forward "Then why am I like this? Please, I need to know, why?" Gaius looked away for a second and obviously tried to answer in a way that Merlin wouldn't be too disappointed "Maybe there's someone with more knowledge than me." Merlin looked out of the window "If you can't tell me no-one can." He felt bitter. He meant what he had said and he was sure he would never find answer to his question.
Gaius said nothing to that, instead he offered Merlin his tea cup. Merlin took it and Gaius patted his hand that was on the table. Merlin felt a bit better with the contact. Gaius didn't think him dirty, he could still invite him to his home, offer him tea and even touch him. He was again reminded how important Gaius was to him and he felt huge relieve that he had been accepted as he was.
"I'll tell you bit about myself. Maybe that will help you understand your situation a bit better." Merlin turned to Gaius in surprise. Gaius looked at him smiling his small smile before getting more serious.
"When I was in university, you have to understand this was a long time ago and being homosexual was even more of a tabu than nowadays." Merlin listened like his life depended on it. "I was young and I found some of my class mates very attractive. I even dated one of my dorm mates for a while. His name was Anthony." Merlin couldn't believe his ears. He couldn't say anything at all so Gaius continued "Eventually it didn't work out and we went to our separate ways never telling anyone what we had. And soon after that, I met Alice."
Gaius took a sip from his tea and Merlin tried to mimic him not to seem too keen to know everything. "We fell in love and I have never loved like that again. She always told me I'm too serious and I told her she teased me far too much." Gaius had a fond smile on his face "From the day I met her till the day I lost her, I never even looked anyone else. I still don't."
Merlin felt sad to hear this. Of course he knew that Gaius lived alone but… "What do you mean you lost her?" Gaius looked at him sadly "Brain tumour. It was too late when it was found." Merlin looked down "I'm sorry…" "Thank you, my boy, but it has been a long time… But a love like that only comes across you ones or maybe twice in your life, if you are lucky."
They stayed quiet for a while and Merlin felt bad at braking the silence but he had to know more. "So if I met a girl I could really love, maybe I could be cured…" He sounded hopeful but Gaius again pinned him with his serious gaze "Merlin, I want you to understand that I wasn't 'cured' as you put it. It wasn't that I turned to a heterosexual when I met Alice. It was just that I didn't want or need anyone else. Man or woman." Merlin felt he should have felt disappointed to hear that but something in Gaius' words made him feel better. There was just something so sure in the way Gaius described his love to Alice. It made Merlin feel different. Like being a gay didn't make him a bad person. That it was a part of him but it was just one part of who he was. Who he would love in a sexual way. It wouldn't defy him in any other way. And how Gaius had reacted to the word 'cured'... Maybe there really was nothing to be cured.
They talked a bit more about the subject and Gaius assured him what he had started to feel. That he wasn't dirty or wrong for loving Arthur. Nor being a homosexual. His actions would define him and Gaius even told him that what little he had seen and talked with Arthur, he seemed to care greatly for Merlin "I am sure, if you talked it out with him, he wouldn't hold it against you." This was the only thing Gaius had told him today that Merlin had hard time believing in.
When Merlin had to leave he wanted desperately to stay. Merlin had never felt so relieved in his entire life and when Gaius walked him to the door Merlin hugged him tightly. "Thank you so much. For everything." He said to Gaius' shoulder and Gaius patted him on his back. "Merlin, I never had a change to have children of my own, but you are like a son to me. And I can only be grateful that this pleasure was granted to me at this time and age. You have nothing to thank me for." Merlin felt touched and he found happiness he never would have even dared to wish.
"Now off you go before you make that Arthur of yours wait. I'll expect you to help me put some flowers into my garden next week." Merlin grinned at him and not even flinching for the mention of 'his Arthur' He walked back like he was on a cloud. He wasn't sick, he wasn't dirty. He had good friends. At least for now when he was out of the house, his stomach full and summer was showing its best, Merlin could believe that.
Arthur was already sitting in the car but didn't seem too annoyed so he must not have been there for very long. He asked Merlin about his day and Merlin told that he had had a good time. He didn't mention the topics but he told Arthur that he had learned new thing about his friends and Arthur was happy to see him so joyful.
When Merlin got into his room, his first priority was to hide the beer. He took the whole bag into his closet and opened the door to Arthur's side. He put the cans carefully to the threshold and closed the door. Then he walked out of his closet and closed it behind him. There was no-one in his room so he felt safe. He had a lot to think but he was sure for something. Uther would come to his room in the future and there was nothing Merlin could do about it. His feelings had changed today and now rather than blaming everything on himself he felt scared and soiled by Uther.
He still blamed himself for letting it all happen in the first place and he wished he had known everything he now knew before this all started. He also blamed himself for being so weak. He couldn't fight back and Uther knew it. The only thing he could do was to refuse Uther from kissing him and that he would do even if it got him killed. Killing him was the second worse thing Uther could do to him now. The worst was that he would find out about him and Arthur and do the same to his son. Merlin never wanted Arthur to go trough anything like that. From at least that Merlin needed to protect Arthur.
A/N Hi! Wow, it only took 24 hours for me to get that 10 reviews, so here is the next chapter, as I promised! Thank you so much for everyone who took their time to review, you are awesome! So... 11 reviews and the next chapter is yours :) It's called 'The home visit'. I hope you enjoyed Merlin opening up and the conversation with Gaius. If you are interested, Alice died 20 years ago (when Gaius gave up magic and Alice left in the show) and after that Gaius moved to his current home. Also the thing in the show looked like a walking, talking brain tumour and even the symptons matched, so...
mersan123 Did I mention that I love the way you speak? And yes, finaly! It was the high time for him to get that he has been raped and now I can actually write about things as they are. It's horrible that many children don't really know that they have the right to say 'no' if someone is touching them and making them uncomfortable and I also feel that adults don't talk about these kind of things enough and that leads to teenagers just sharing what little information they got and in the end things like this happen. Also that Merlin really feels that he's the one on thin ice because he is homosexual... I hope our generation can change that. And yes, Hunith is really starting to annoy me too and I have actually written this... but really, as much as we want to protect our children and as much as we try to do just that, just sometimes we don't make the right decisions. I would too know what to do with Uther's camera... how careless of him to save that kind of evidence...
thejammysod Sex ed is a great subject, many schools teach it too little, too inconsistently or just wrong. But it's so uncomfortable most of the time for most of the teens, that it usually goes like that... But I like to think that the pupils still learn something and they listen even if they make a lot of noise. It's sad that at that age many can say things that they don't really even mean, but the words might hurt some very deebly for years... I haven't actually written down what Lance told them, but basically he took his best coach voice (the one that can be heard across a football field) and told them to start and think of what they are letting out of their mouths. That they are already sixteen and he knows that they have brains and that this kind of behaviour hurts, not just Merlin who obviously wasn't happy, but who else you think that hurt? Edmund, Jordan? And when they couldn't answer he told that Merlin and Arthur were brothers rought marriage (Not making Arthur happy at all, but the loo on Edmund's face made him feel much better) making kind of a strong reaction... And so on. If you are interested, I can write it properly and add to the next authors notes :) You are the first one to call me on that Gwaine is a listed character. Yes, he is there for a reason even thought I had a tough decision between Lance and Gwaine...
Angel Dove1 The sex ed lesson wasn't part of my original plot, I had planned Gaius on telling Merlin all that in a bit different way, but the idea just came to me and I had to write it down :D I'm glad you liked it, in the end it was also one of my favourites too :) Yes, Merlin is finaly getting that he is not the one at fault and he is now mostly controlled by fear. The situation is not stabile in any way and Merlins stress levels are rising so high that this won't last. Soon we will se how ;)
Rake Good to hear that. I'll keep updating :)
Guest Thank you so much! I'm so happy that you find the character developement good, most of my time writing this went to that.
LordOfTehRainbow I'm sorry to hear that you felt mentaly drained :( I too hope it won't happen anytime soon again, but don't worry about not reviewing and your reviews are actually the longest ones I have got, so really no stress :) My goal with this story is to stay as realistic as possible and teenagers usually understand when they have stepped out of the line when someone really snaps at them. It's just that age we tend to speak before thinking and most of the people are not, as you said, bad. It's also true that we tend to think that if someone comes from a good (ritch) family, crimes like abuse or sexual violence can't happen. It's not even an option. Of cource they are rarer or better hidden, but that is exactly why I hope people would get a bit more educated on these posibilities, so this kind of abuse couldn't preferably even start. To answer your question, at first it will be only those closest to Merlin. Admitting that you have been raped, especially if you are a boy, is not an easy thing to do, but I have a scetch of a chapter where few from Arthurs football team get to know something. I'm not still sure if I will publish it, it depens on if there are enough people who would be interested :) And I live when people tell me that it's hard to predict what will happen next! Thank you!
bubzchoc Thank you :)
Skypeoplephoenix732 Yep, a- and demisexuals/romantics are often forgotten because they don't usually make such noise about themselfs and their rights. I will get back on the subject preafly in the future. (btw, Arthur is demisexual, he just doesn't have the word yet...) I have a scetch of what happened in Lance's class after Merlin left (see the reply I left for thejammysod) I could write it down and post it as an extra... Yeah, Hunith needs to step up and not take anymore of the nonsense Merlin keeps throwing at her direction and dig for the real answers, but lests see... I hope you had good time in the choir camp! Welvome back :)
MillaMaxwell12 :D Great to hear that you broke your pattern for the last chapter. It was meant to be a bit funny, so good to know I succeeded :) I'm so done with Uther too... But we will get rid of him, promise. Yeah Merlin didn't connect the word rape to himself, he has grown up in a small vilage and things like that have never occured to him could happen. That's part of the reason why Hunith is not seeing what is happening. She has been warned when she was young to stay away from shady alleys if he went to the nearby city, but the vilage was safe and to her moving to a posh part of a big city seemed even more safe. Ups...
EssieScrawls Oh don't be sorry! I'm super excited to get reviews from you, but no need to stress about it :) I'm happy with what I got. And flabbergasted... what a funny word :D I'm flattered! And that's a good analysis, Merlin really tries to handle it all himself... poor boy. I hope you liked the opening up bit! See you again!