In the following days Hunith kept herself busy. She arranged the house, cooked, cleaned, moved furniture around and tried her best to make Merlin eat and feel comfortable. Arthur helped a lot by lifting heavy stuff and Hunith kept telling him as much, but he still felt he was not doing enough. Most of the time he felt that he was in a way or not being very useful because he often found himself just walking around the house trying to find Merlin or excuses to be close to him. He didn't want to let Merlin out of his sight.
This was rapidly annoying the hell out of Merlin. He was fine. Really. He hadn't been this fine for at least in a year and the only things that hounded him were his nightmares and his own shame, guilt and regrets and there was nothing anyone could do to help him with those. He mostly just wanted to be left alone, but he didn't dare to say that aloud, so he mostly sat in any corner he could find behind piles of boxes or furnitures still searching for their final destination.
He had eaten well. Hunith had made sure he did. At times Merlin didn't have appetite and he had even fought with his mother on the theme. It had started with Merlin trying to tell her how he wasn't hungry. He really wasn't. He had eaten (and kept down) more food that he remembered in an average month during this summer. He felt stuffed and swollen most of the time. Hunith had kept her ground and she had pulled the document Freya had made and in minutes they had been actually yelling at each others neither letting go. Arthur had to come in between them and make them compromise. Merlin had not been able to look at his mother for the whole day after that and Hunith had been the same, she was ashamed of herself for letting her emotions get the better of her. To Arthur it just started to make a lot of sense from where Merlin had gotten this side of his personality.
They first whole day they had lived in their new home Hunith had gotten them new cell phone numbers and she had advised them to send it only to their friends. They had done just that. Arthur right away, but Merlin only after few days. He hadn't been too eager to let anyone be able to contact him. Actually he would have dragged it more, but one very pissed off Gwaine had called Arthur who had immediately thrown his phone at Merlin. Merlin had promised to sent him the new number as soon as possible. He did that five hours later.
After she got Merlin's new number, Gwen had texted him at least twice a day. She had tried calling first, but Merlin didn't want to pick up. He rarely answered her text messages either. It was just that he was so tired in a whole new way. Somehow when the reality where his mother, Arthur and closest friends (except Will, who Merlin hadn't called in ages) accepted him as he was settled in, it made his emotions go all over the place. He could get angry at some insignificant things or find himself giggling or crying for whatever reason. He hated it and he tried to be as quiet as possible so he wouldn't worry either his mother or boyfriend. He seriously wanted to be alone and preferably forgotten. He knew he was running, not in the literal sense for he had nothing concrete to run away from anymore, but he was still trying and that caused him to escape further and further inside of himself.
To Arthur it was hard to see the way Merlin was behaving. He was quite sure that if this all had happened to him, he wouldn't be any different, probably worse, but he still couldn't quite understand why Merlin was this bad now. He hadn't been like this even last summer when he had been lifeless or the winter before that when he had been moody. It wasn't just once or twice Arthur had seen Merlin rocking himself back and forth, hugging his knees, his eyes closed and mumbling something incoherent. Was he afraid that Uther would walk? And somehow they would end up in the old house again? To Arthur that didn't seem possible, in his mind he had erased the possibility when he had told everything he knew to Gwaine and Leon.
Arthur had tried to comfort Merlin, but he wasn't too sure how and usually Merlin would just replay something or the other about just being tired and moving himself to take a nap before Arthur could do much else than ask if he was alright. That mentioned, Merlin had taken a lot of naps lately. He took naps after meals and whenever he didn't want to explain his moods to either Arthur or Hunith. He would tell them that he was just tired and retire to their room and to Arthur's couch.
At first Hunith had been approving of him sleeping when he felt like it, but when it had clearly formed to be a habit, she had limited the naps to be just after lunch so Merlin would sleep at night. She had talked with Merlin seriously and Merlin had told her he saw her point, but Arthur wasn't that convinced. Merlin slept as long as possible during the day and whenever Hunith went to run some errands, Arthur was almost sure to find Merlin laying on his- their couch. At nights Merlin would read on the couch and tell Arthur he would come to sleep soon, but he mostly did only after Arthur had already fallen asleep. When he woke up, Merlin was more often than not again reading on the couch or sulking in some corner. This all made Arthur extremely sad. He had talked with Hunith a bit and it had helped when Hunith had told him she was feeling it too, but what Arthur felt he really needed, was Merlin to just look at him properly and talk to him. About anything, it didn't matter, but just so Arthur could see the Merlin he loved was still there somewhere.
Arthur had also called Elyan and in what he had thought was a weak moment, he had told him how much it bothered him that Merlin wasn't talking to him. He had expected his friend to tell him that it was alright, that Arthur was just overreacting or that there would be an awkward silence, but Elyan had done neither. Instead he had told him how he had been the same when his mother had died. How he had shunned both his sister and father out and how he had forgotten how he still had most of his family alive. He regretted that now, but he also told how he had needed his own time and when Gwen had never left him alone for more than half an hour and most of those times had ended with her crying, he had stated to go out.
He had hung out with some older guys from the new neighbourhood they had moved in and done some really stupid things with them. He made Arthur swear never to tell that to anyone, but he had started smoking then. It was only when some of the guys had taken Elyan with them to a mall in intention of shop lifting something, had Elyan started to doubt of what he was doing with them at all, but he had no other friends. It had been then when his father had practically given him an ultimatum: either start a sport or loose allowance, computer privilege and cellphone. Deciding on football was a decision that Elyan could proudly tell was the best he had ever made.
Arthur had listened this all in daze. He had never thought that demanding Elyan to run and exercise and focus on the team play had been that important to him and by the end of the story he had totally forgotten that he had ever felt it embarrassing to show these kind of feelings to his friend. He had tried to give Merlin some space after that, but hoping that his boyfriend would normalise even a little bit soon, so he could tell him too how much he had missed just hearing him talk and look people around him in the eyes.
By sunday the house looked more like a home than a heap of boxes. Arthur and Hunith had arranged the living room so that the sofa that had been Merlin's, was facing towards the garden. In front of it was an old, wooden couch table and in front of the window nice low shelf and top of it a small tv. Hunith was well liked and she had many friends in school. When few selected of them had heard of her divorce, they had come offering help and old furniture. Hunith had thanked everyone and accepted the furniture and promised she would have a party and invite them over when the house was ready, but she had politely refused from help. She didn't want any extra people in the house when Merlin had trouble adjusting as it was.
Susan had given her a mattress and the old tv. They were both very welcomed. Hunith had been able to move to her room after all and even if Arthur had donated his tv to the living room, Hunith could see he was relieved that he didn't have to give it up. Maybe because Arthur's only real me-time had been in his own room, watching movies and he kind of didn't know what the new life would bring so the familiarity was important to him. Hunith made a mental note to herself, that now she could encourage his boys to have fun with friends in and out of the house. She was determined of bringing life back to her home and whenever she felt pain in her heart she tried to remind herself that she could make this house be what she felt she had lost when they had moved to the city, what she had quietly thought both Merlin and Arthur had lacked in Uther's household. Friends would not be something she or the boys could enjoy just outside of the house when there was a plausible reason for that. She had decided to make a life that suited them all. She was also quite sure that getting more social and more active would benefit both Merlin and Arthur, so even if she herself just wanted to lay into some quiet corner at the moment, she would stay cheerful and hang in there for her boys.
It was saturday when Gwaine called that he needed to talk with the whole lot of them and that either they could come to the station or he could come and visit. Merlin had asked immediately if Gwaine could come for lunch. To him this home was a place that was safe and hidden from Uther's sight and even if he knew it shouldn't be the case, but a fear that maybe if he went out and to the station, everything that had happened would somehow disappear and that Uther would be waiting for him there. He didn't say that out loud, but his mother did not ask why Merlin wanted to stay home.
After inviting Gwaine over, Hunith had done her best to tidy up and even Merlin had run in between thrash bin and house to get rid of all the packing material they still had lying around. This was a welcomed change for him even if he had moaned a bit at the start. At least he had something to do. Arthur had made sure to do everything he could so Merlin didn't have to. Merlin wasn't sure if he was happy about that, but it also seemed to keep Arthur calmer so he hadn't commented.
Gwaine came at noon and Hunith had bought some real meat in order to thank Gwaine for his troubles. Somehow this relaxed Arthur. He had been used to eating food made with expensive ingredients and while Hunith's cookings were excellent, just a bit something more familiar made him less stressed. Merlin on the other hand was stressing of seeing Gwaine. Everything kept changing around him and every change scared him in a subconscious level, but when Gwaine appeared to the front door, wearing his normal clothes, unshaven and wind messing up his hair, Merlin felt relieved and he relaxed and normalised fast. It felt like the time had started to move forward again and Merlin couldn't quite explain it to even himself, but somehow he had this way of communicating with Gwaine that was lively and more himself and his current mood just didn't match with that, so his mood had to change because Gwaine wouldn't.
Arthur saw Gwaine coming in with a plastic bag in his hand and a wide grin on his face and the next second Merlin had appeared from some dark corner and was chatting with him a smile on his face that Arthur hadn't seen in days. It kind of made his jealous, but it was over shadowed with his ridiculous happiness that he felt when he saw Merlin smiling and heard his voice so animated. Hunith noticed this too and when Merlin actually laughed at something Gwaine said, she looked at Gwaine like he was the most amazing creature ever to roam on earth.
"I bought us some sandwiches and a cake, I hope you like them." Gwaine told Hunith surprisingly politely and gave her the plastic bag. There were four sandwiches and a carrot cake. Hunith thanked him in equally polite way and motioned them all to the kitchen where they already had a table set and food ready on the stove. Gwaine told Hunith how much he appreciated this, he had been eating his own sandwiches and some take away for the last week or so. They all sat down on the table Hunith and already set and Merlin was just about to comment how weird it was to hear Gwaine sound so polite and normal human being when Gwaine's expression hardened a little bit.
"Before we eat, I would like get the official business done. Uther's court has been moved to next saturday." The whole table was quiet for a while. Merlin couldn't tell how this information affected the rest of them, but this was again a change and if Uther had any control over the legal system, it scared Merlin in a whole new level.
"What do you mean 'moved'?" Arthur asked sounding more angry than scared. Gwaine sighed sounding tired. Merlin wondered if Gwaine had asked the exact same question himself when he first heard about this.
"The lawyer Uther has hired managed to delay the court. It also appears that Uther can get himself to home arrest starting from tomorrow." Merlin shivered hearing that and Hunith and Arthur looked horrified. What if they hadn't moved yet? Uther would have come home and all their stuff would have been there and in worst case scenario, they also. Arthur put his hand gently on Merlin's shoulder making Merlin breath again. He had forgotten to do that apparently.
"I assure you that the reason why you hear this so late, is that I knew you had already moved and if there is anything you still need from that house, I'll get someone to take them for you before tomorrow." Gwaine continued with a steady tone. Hunith still looked repulsed, but she shook her head "No. We already have everything we need here."
Merlin didn't know why, but that made him relax and drop his fear for now. It sounded so comforting and the more Merlin thought about it, the more it sounded like truth. He looked around himself and yes, he really did have everything he needed right here.
"I also guarantee you that we have him secured 24/7 and that he has no means to contact any of you. If somehow someone contacts any of you on his behalf, I want you to inform the police immediately." He continued with serious tone and Merlin was happy that he was told what to do. It was easier that he could be prepared. But still he was sure that he wouldn't as much as leave this house before the court had ended. "That should in no way be possible and he would be in so much trouble if he did anything to contact you, so I can quite safely say that it shouldn't be possible, but just in case." Hunith nodded at Gwaine who massaged the bridge of his nose briefly. He really did seem tired.
"The Add- defence has been building up this ridiculous story and they have been bugging us with this and that night and day, but we have been working night and day too to make sure there is nothing they can do to deny what have happened. I'm happy to tell you that their story is getting extremely weak, but I still have to ask you Merlin, are you ready to come to talk with the prosecutor and the defence soon?" Gwaine looked straight into Merlin's eyes but Merlin couldn't meet his gaze, so he looked down. He really didn't want to leave his new home. Especially not to see some lawyer who was on Uther's side. He had been waiting for this of course, Gwaine had after all told him that he would be needed before the court that original date had been next wednesday.
"I- I don't know…" He wanted to say that he couldn't, but he knew it would be in vain. Gwaine looked at him patiently, but Merlin knew this was not optional. He would have to go eventually and most probably rather sooner than later, but the thought of answering questions to someone who didn't believe his story was true, filled him with terror. He had seen some nightmares on the theme too.
"It would help us greatly." Gwaine told him and Merlin hunched his shoulders. He couldn't say 'no' if Gwaine was talking to him like that. Like Merlin was doing a personal favour to him and not the other way around.
"I- can I come later?" He asked eventually in quiet voice. Gwaine was a bit disappointed, but he didn't let it show. He had already pushed the date back twice not making Iseldir happy at all, but he knew he would push the date as long as Merlin needed time even if that had not made his own case any better.
"Yes, when you are ready, call me. I hate to rush you, but will need you before the date of court." Merlin nodded. It felt so close, but he knew he would have to do it sooner or later anyway, so if he could just… he didn't know, but at least it was not now.
"Then to better news, Arthur, you don't have to testify in court. We have found some new evidence and our case is strong even without you, the judge has given us her blessing to have only the record of Merlin's testimony in the court." He saw Merlin's head snap up when the 'new evidence' was mentioned and Gwaine knew he had guessed it was the photos. He paled and then dropped his gaze again and closed his eyes briefly. Gwaine wished he could just tell the judge that Uther was guilty, get him sentenced and burn every copy of those damn photos. But the only thing he could do was to guide the conversation to some lighter topics before anyone asked about the new evidence, Merlin really didn't look like he wanted to talk about those.
"Alright. Now I'm done with the official business. Shall we eat? And I want to see the rest of the house afterwards." Gwaine said smiling and Merlin took a deep breath. He could make himself stop dwelling for now. The food was delicious and even if Merlin felt like he was about to burst from the amount his mother had piled in front of him, he kept eating. Gwaine made them all relax and somehow Merli started to feel that he had been a pale, see-through shadow for the past days and now he was now slowly turning back to normal.
After they had finished, Hunith suggested that the boys would show the house to Gwaine while she cleaned up and made some coffee for them to go with the carrot cake.
Gwaine could honestly tell that he liked the place and he told that he might be able to get some old chairs and a table from his folks for the garden. "My mother has a habit of decorating some part of the house every year and last summer she attacked our garden… My old man whined for a month how he had been forced to go shopping and then move every single thing outside to either new location or to cellar and even I had to go and move some flower beds… I assure you, that is not a light exercise…" Arthur suggested he could come and pick them up with his car and Gwaine told him he could make his old man to drop them to his shop during the week. "He needs exercise so it would do good to him." He said smirking.
When it was time to go to see the second floor, Gwaine knew he would get some answers. He had no idea if Hunith knew even that her son was homosexual, much less if she knew Merlin and Arthur had a thing for each others. He hadn't wanted to ask on a phone and even if Merlin still seemed to be Arthur's number one priority, Merlin himself was so out of it, Gwaine had hard time reading him. He would have lied if he had said he wasn't interested, but to Gwaine it also seemed like a very important thing for Merlin to start healing mentally. His thoughts had gone back to Arthur and if he had been able to talk it through with Merlin so many times he wasn't sure if it was healthy to be this obsessed with his friends love life.
So when Arthur opened the door of his and Merlin's room and Gwaine only saw one bed, it wasn't that much of a surprise how large of a rock fell from his heart. He would have cheered if Merlin wasn't fidgeting the way he was or if Arthur wasn't looking as proud of the room as he was. Instead he just smiled a sincere smile and patted Merlin on his back. when Merlin started to smile a bit too, he knew it was time to get whatever reaction he could get from Arthur.
"Oh, you have made it this far… I see you worried for nothing, Arthur." He said with a grin making them both blush. Especially Arthur who knew Gwaine would focus on teasing him. Merlin was blushing, but he wasn't ashamed and the part of Arthur made him curious. That was something he hadn't felt for a while now. He was about to ask, but apparently Gwaine wasn't going to wait that long.
"You see Merlin, Arthur here was very troubled because-" He had to stop when Arthur kicked him and then attempted to cover Gwaine's mouth with his hands. "Ow! Hey! You are not supposed to assault an officer! That's a crime…" Gwaine managed to say while trying to get Arthur off his back. "And officers are not supposed to be such asses!" Arthur shot back while practically wrestling with Gwaine.
Merlin found himself smiling and finally laughing. It was worth having Gwaine tease him. He had just made Merlin feel proud of their new room. It started to feel like he was part of this world again.
It was monday, way past noon and Gaius was not happy. After Arthur had called him a week ago, Gaius had not heard anything from him nor Merlin. On last monday he hadn't thought anything was off, he had assumed that Arthur had driven to Gwaine's shop and they had stayed there for a while before heading to home or maybe even to a nice date. But when thursday came and Merlin never showed up, That had eventually made Gaius worried. At first he had thought that Merlin was later than usual, then that youth in these days had no decency to call if they had a change of plans, but then he remembered how the last time Merlin hadn't shown up was because he had been caught on cutting class. What could it be now?
He had tried calling to Merlin, but first he didn't pick up and then Gaius couldn't even reach the phone. Soon after Arthur had sent him his new phone number and Gaius had tried calling him instead. Arthur hadn't picked up either and now that it was again monday and Merlin was nowhere to be seen, Gaius decided to do something. His first lead was Gwaine, so when he was absolutely sure Melin wouldn't show up, he left to visit the shop.
To Gaius' surprise, the shop was closed. He didn't come here often, but he didn't remember ever seeing this shop closed at this hour. There were a piece of paper in the door with new opening hours. Alright, so Gaius would be back.
It was almost seven o'clock when Gaius stepped in Gwaine's shop. It was quite full and Gwaine was explaining to some regular customers how this was only temporarily, he would open normally after a week or so, he just had some personal stuff he needed to take care of… To Gaius he just seemed very, very tired and Gaius knew how long hours Gwaine worked normally, so he had to wonder what had happened. He had a nagging feeling it had something to do with Merlin.
Gaius waited patiently for the customers to leave. There were still few choosing what they wanted to buy, but Gaius didn't think they needed privacy. Gwaine had obviously spotted the old man and he didn't look surprised when Gaius asked right away if he had seen Merlin or Arthur lately.
Gwaine glanced at the customers he had. Obviously he couldn't talk about anything too serious while there were customers around and that was not his business anyway, but he could at least tell the old man not to worry, that Merlin was alright.
"Yes, I have seen them both just yesterday. They are both doing fine, I guess Merlin didn't show up today?" That didn't break any kind of confidentiality or wasn't something that could not be said in public? Gwaine really had to concentrate, he was tired and his head was full of details and laws he had completely forgotten existed chasing one another.
"No, he didn't. Last thursday also and I can't reach his phone." Gaius wasn't happy at all. If Gwaine had seen Merlin, why hadn't he or Arthur bothered on contacting Gaius? He had thought he and Merlin had a connection and he had liked to think that Merlin would have contacted him if there was something going on and definitely if he just couldn't make it. And he had also lived in believe that Merlin couldn't go out on sundays. He felt a bit hurt.
Gwaine sighed he could barely keep his shop open the hours to cover for the expenses at the moment and even when he was here, his phone would ring now and then. Just half an hour ago Gwaine had gotten a call from The Adder. He was now demanding his security camera recordings. "I'm sure Merlin will get in touch with you soon, but at the moment I would recommend you called Arthur instead." This was not his job right now, Merlin would need to decide himself if he wanted to tell and how much to this old man he visited regularly.
Last week Gaius had still been on his witness list, but now they had so much proof, so much evidence that what they already got, was enough. There had been no need to include anymore people. Besides according to Merlin and Arthur, Merlin hadn't told Gaius anything and the only thing he could tell them was that maybe Merlin had been quiet or weak or seemed depressed at times and that was nothing Gwaine couldn't have told himself. They had even seen Merlin on same days.
Gaius wasn't too happy with this reply either, but he was again more worried than anything else. Gwaine looked like he had no strength left to act or speak anything but truth, so he had chosen not to say anything at all. Something that Gwaine felt was not his place to tell, had happened and Gaius could just try and imagine what that could be when it suddenly hit him that Gwaine's father was a police officer. Or at least had been, Gaius on remembered when he had been promoted give or take fifteen years ago and had started to work late, so maybe he was on a rather high stool by now. (He saw Gwaine's mother every other year because they bought flowers to their gardens from the same shop, but she didn't often talk about her husband's work, much more about Gwaine actually). This knowledge didn't ease his worry at all, there was now a whole new worst case scenarios that Gwaine could be aware of.
"Has something happened?" Gaius asked not even remembering that there were other people present. Gwaine just nodded shortly before collecting himself. "He is safe now, but you really have to talk with Merlin yourself. I can't tell you anything more. Also I'm sorry, but I have to give this good lady here her cigarettes before she will get cross with me." He said changing the subject and pointing at a thirty years old woman who had apparently waited behind Gaius. "Oh, that was just once and I had a bad day you dolt! Two please and-" She started with good humour "some chocolate for your soul, here you go Marcel." Gwaine finished for her with an amused smile. The woman smiled and laughed and Gaius could see how Gwaine was able to keep customers coming.
While he walked back home, Gaius tried to call Arthur again. He still didn't pick up and Gaius felt anxious and sad in a way he didn't remember feeling after Alice had gotten her diagnosis. It was never easy to love and while getting to know Merlin had brought joy back to his life, at times like this he knew he was paying the price for not just living his quiet life alone, but it didn't matter. Gaius had said Merlin was like a son to him and he had meant it with his whole heart. What ever had happened, Gaius would be there if Merlin so wished, but this time he wouldn't let things just be. If Merlin was again in some sort of trouble, he would talk with him seriously and get to the root of this all. Even if Merlin was troubled by his sexuality, he couldn't use that as an excuse to drink or whatever trouble he had found this time. He would also contact Merlin's family if that was necessary.
Tomorrow he would call Arthur again and he would hope to get some answers then.
"I think that was the last one." Hunith said to Arthur when he climbed down from a chair he had been currently standing. He had learned today how to put a lamp to a ceiling. His arms were tired, but he was oddly proud of himself. He had never done this type of work before. Merlin obviously had, but even though Merlin looked already better, Arthur didn't want him standing on anything he could possibly fall from if he felt faint. He knew he was over reacting, but doing the job in Merlin's place was the only thing he felt at the moment he could do for him.
Their home was now ready. Merlin sat in the corner of their room and looked around. It was nice. Arthur's couch was still next to the window and they had a mat in front of it. It was a nice soft red coloured mat and Merlin found he liked to sit on it, leaning against the couch like he and Arthur had done when they had studied last spring. They didn't have a tv-table (Arthur's old one had been to big) so the tv was still on the floor. The low bookshelf Arthur used to have on its side, was now turned vertical and it was on the wall next to their door and behind the tv. Arthur's desk fit perfectly next to the couch leaving just enough room for the closet door to open. Their bed was so its head was against the wall. Merlin slept on the doors side, it made him calmer and Arthur didn't care as long as Merlin was next to him. And Merlin had been next to him. He had found the courage to actually go to sleep at the same time Arthur did and even if he woke up early almost every morning, he had stayed in the bed while he read the morning away. Being next to Arthur calmed him and he hadn't seen any nightmares even if he slept a bit lightly and woke up to the tinniest noises.
Arthur knocked the door even though it was open and he grinned at Merlin. "We are ready. The last lamp is on the ceiling and working." Merlin had to smile at Arthur's obvious happiness. Merlin had guided him trough the first two lamps. He had done all the things like that together with his mother back in the village. Especially lamps, Hunith was uneasy if she had to climb to a ladder. Merlin would have teased Arthur how little he knew about this type of things if he hadn't been so self conscious about the fact that even if he knew what to do, he wasn't much to use right now. He knew that if he would have had to try, he would have most probably dropped the lamp at some point and he could hear Uther's words 'useless whore' echo in his ears. Thats why he had left the scene and fled to their room. Merlin's emotions had started to settle after Gwaine's visit and now he again had himself under control, but he still felt dirty and well, useless.
"Will you come to see?" Arthur asked and sat next to Merlin keeping a reasonable distance. Merlin had been much calmer and more normal this week and Arthur could tell that he felt better when the house was getting more organised and he knew how much seeing Gwaine had also helped. Still Merlin seemed sad and jumpy most of the time. Arthur didn't know what to do and after Merlin had flinched yesterday when Arthur had opened a door without knocking, Arthur had lost his confidence altogether. He now tried to warn Merlin every time he came to same room and he kept just enough distance so Merlin didn't move further himself. They were again back to the point where Merlin kept himself on arms length. Like he had before they first kissed. He even slept as far as possible from Arthur (which wasn't much in a 120cm wide bed, but still) his back turned to him. But at least he was sleeping in the bed now, so Arthur couldn't really complain.
"I will…" Merlin replied, but sounded anything else but eager. Arthur sighed. "Merlin… you have been in here for most of the time for past three days… you should move more. Look! It's sunny day outside, what do you say? Lets go out for a bit." Merlin looked out of the window. Yes, it was sunny day and it looked nice, but he felt uneasy. He didn't want to go out. He turned to look Arthur who clearly wanted to spend time with Merlin. But Merlin again felt dirty. He wanted to be with Arthur so much and he wanted to again kiss him and be embraced by him, but it was like he had this invisible barrier around him and Merlin felt that what ever he touched was in danger of being soiled or brake. He had avoided touching anything for days and now every kind of touch felt foreign to him. Merlin let his face fall to his knees he was again hugging. He mumbled something incoherent and Arthur felt his patience grow thin. He didn't understand what the problem was and he felt bad seeing Merlin slip again to the same behaviour he had had last week. It was like Merlin was falling farther away inside of himself and Arthur feared he wouldn't be able to reach Merlin anymore if this continued.
"I can't hear you." He said not willing to let this continue, not this time. Merlin rose his gaze looking at a spot next to his toes on the floor. "I said it's too much light. I don't want you to see me like this." That didn't make any sense to Arthur and confusion didn't go well with his frustration. "That doesn't make any sense. I want to see you… well not like this, sitting in a corner looking depressed. I want to see you smile…" He said not filtering, just saying the first things that came to his mind. Merlin flinched a bit. Apparently he had heard Arthur's frustration. Arthur sighed, that wasn't right, he just wanted to tell Merlin how he loved him and that he was just frustrated because seeing Merlin like this made him sad.
"Come here." He said and opened his arms. Merlin looked at him unsurely. He did want to… but he felt that he couldn't move. When Merlin just stared at his chest like it would bite, Arthur moved himself closer to Merlin and slowly hugged him. Merlin didn't move or flinch. He tensed for a moment, but then to Arthur's surprise he melted into his arms and hugged him tightly back. It didn't take long that Arthur heard a sniff and he felt a spot in his shirt get wet. Maybe he should have done this from the start.
Arthur's frustration melted away and he kept hugging Merlin and telling him how he could hug him any time and not to go to a corner to sulk. Arthur would be there for him. It all came out so naturally now.
At some point Hunith came to the door to see if they were coming, but she stopped when she saw them. Arthur shook his head slightly and Hunith smiled at him sadly before returning downstairs quietly. Merlin didn't even notice her. He had buried his head in Arthur's shoulder and he just cried. Arthur's touch felt so right. It just made Merlin feel like he was safe and Arthur was so warm… After a while, Merlin felt that he didn't want to leave this spot ever. He just wanted desperately to curl in Arthur's arms and never, ever move. It was a wonder why he had avoided this for so long now. It felt so good and hearing Arthur's voice, while it made Merlin feel stupid and guilty for acting like he had, made his heart beat somehow stronger. He remembered how Arthur had been there for him and how they had kissed in the hotel room and how Arthur had embraced him during nights or when they had read. He blushed at the thought and his tears started to dry. He had made Arthur worry for nothing. Maybe Arthur just wanted to spend some time with him.
They sat there for a long time even after Merlin had stopped crying. Merlin tried to make himself believe the things he had been told by Arthur and Gwaine and his mother and Freya. He tried not to think himself as something dirty and even succeeding to some extend. Here, in Arthur's arms he didn't feel so bad. When Arthur shifted a little, Merlin looked up at him and Arthur smiled at him. Merlin felt want and joy and embarrassment dance inside of him. Embarrassment mostly because he had made Arthur first worry and then sit on a floor this long while Merlin wet his shirt and partly because with just one hug he had again started to feel want. It was like there had been a barrier he had built to separate himself from this world and he had been holding it intact by not touching anything. Now it had collapsed with Arthur's hug and it was replaced with want and need to be touched making it hard for him to control himself.
Merlin kept staring at Arthur and Arthur started to feel a bit amused of his wide eyes looking him so seriously. He did the only thing he could think of and leaned in to kiss Merlin on the lips. Merlin's eyes fluttered close and he hugged Arthur with a new strength. The kiss soon turned passionate and Arthur felt small fireworks light in his chest. It was amazing. He was so happy that Merlin wanted to kiss him like this again. He had thought that Merlin wouldn't want to kiss him anymore. Still Arthur started to feel conscious about the open door and he wondered if Hunith would come back to see if Merlin was alright. It had been a long time since she left them there after all.
Merlin picked up Arthur's distraction and he backed off from the kiss. He feared that Arthur had gotten bored with him, but when he followed Arthur's gaze, he saw the open door and he blushed furiously and buried his face again in Arthur's shoulder. Arthur laughed at him softly and hugged him tightly before letting him go saying "We should go downstairs before Hunith gets worried." He said hoping that Merlin wouldn't say he wanted to stay in here anymore.
To his delight Merlin nodded and let Arthur pull himself up. Arthur smiled at him brightly and started to chat of how they could go and try out the football field in the park and Merlin found his excitement contagious. He smiled a bit shyly at Arthur and decided that it would be better to let himself enjoy Arthur's company. It seemed to make Arthur happier too and making Arthur happier was more important than his selfish want to stay depressed so he wouldn't have to fear of getting hurt.
Merlin made a point to compliment his mother and Arthur of their hard work and after that he asked if he and Arthur could go out to play in the park. Hunith was very pleased and she thought that she had to thank Arthur later for whatever had happened upstairs. Her son was looking so much better. "Of course you can go. Just keep your cellphones with you."
They played in the park for about an hour before Merlin got too tired to run anymore. They hadn't played very seriously, just had some fun and Arthur felt he was again enjoying football. His practices today and on thursday had been more like empty performances than anything else. Maybe next week he could finally pull himself together…
They ended up just laying on the grass next to the field. Arthur was also tired. He had been in three hours practice, doing everything Merlin usually did himself and trying to seem that there was nothing wrong with him. After that he had answered to too many questions of where Merlin was and when he would come back that he had lost count and then he had helped Hunith with the lamps and paintings and they had cleared the rest of the packing material and… Yeah, he was tired.
Arthur reached for Merlin's hand. He didn't dare to actually take it because there were children and their parents running around, but he let his hand rest next to Merlin's so the backs of their hands touched. It was a nice feeling and more so because Merlin didn't move his hand away but glanced at him and smiled a bit. The day was one of the hottest this summer and even Merlin wasn't cold laying in the sun. To Arthur he looked beautiful like this. Calm and relaxed and next to him.
They only left when Hunith phoned Merlin to tell that the food was ready.
After they had eaten, Gwaine called Arthur that his father had dropped the furniture for their garden in front of his shop and asked if he could come and help him get them with his car. Arthur was tired and going out again wasn't on his list of things he wanted to do today, but he went anyway.
Arthur drove to Gwaine's shop and they managed to get one table and four chairs with two trips to their house. The table had been separated from its leg and Arthur and Gwaine screwed it back together. It was a nice, basic wooden, dark brown outdoor table with folding chairs. There were even cushions for them with burnt sienna and orange stripes.
"My mother likes these kind of warm and dark colours but for some reason she thought that our garden needed white furniture." Gwaine told Merlin with a grimace. Merlin liked these chairs. He thought that maybe he should start coming out more if just to sit in the garden. Fresh air made his depression lessen and he found he wasn't going on circles inside of his head all the time anymore.
The night was hot and after Arthur had showered, he seriously didn't want to put anymore clothes on that he really had to. He had been sleeping in full pyjama here because of Merlin's behaviour, but now he thought that maybe it had been better if he hadn't tried to be so considerate. Maybe if he just acted more normally, Merlin would too. So he made a decision not to put his shirt on today.
When Arthur came back to their room, Merlin was already in the bed, wrapped in his blanket like a giant cocoon. Arthur sighed at that. "Aren't you feeling hot wrapped in all that?" He asked. Merlin had full pyjama and a thick blanket wrapped around him from head to toe. "Not until you come here to radiate heat…" Merlin mumbled from his cocoon. Arthur laid next to him and took his own blanket just up to his waist. Merlin, if possible, drew even further in his blanket when he saw Arthur without his shirt. Arthur could see him blush a little and he smiled amused by Merlin's cute awkwardness. It wasn't like Merlin had been the whole week, but more like what Arthur was used to, there was again life in Merlin's eyes. He really should have done this from the start.
"You could always loose a little of the cover…" He suggested and felt the situation even more amusing and somehow exciting when Merlin didn't move but blushed even darker. "Let me…" Arthur said quietly and he reached for Merlin's blanket. Merlin didn't move but he also didn't tense or stop Arthur so he carefully pulled some of the blanket off Merlin.
Merlin kept looking at Arthur's eyes. He was so still that Arthur had to do something about it. When Arthur had pulled the blanket just under Merlin's ribs, he leaned in to kiss Merlin's nose. Merlin finally made an expression and again blushed deeply. Arthur grinned at him "That was not so bad, was it?" Merlin turned his face away mumbling something about prats. Arthur grinned even wider. He was happy that he could do something new with Merlin even if it was just something like seeing him with a little bit less protection in between them. Or maybe that was actually the biggest step they would have to take.
Arthur settled down on his side next to Merlin as close as possible without pressing on him. He put his arm around Merlin like he had done before. Just now there was no blanket in between his hand and Merlin's chest. Merlin's breathing quickened slightly and even his ears were red but he didn't object and when Arthur told him "I love you…" Merlin even snuggled to the touch a little bit. Arthur should have been dead tired but somehow he felt fully awake right now. He didn't want to sleep, he wanted to keep enjoying this new, more close way of sleeping with Merlin. It's a funny feeling when you want to be awake to enjoy sleeping more…
Arthur kept caressing Merlin's shoulder feeling he wanted just a bit more. He let his hand wander to Merlin's pyjama buttons and he carefully opened the top one. Merlin turned his face to look at him again and there was just the tiniest hint of uneasiness in his eyes. That was so much better than just earlier this day. Arthur just smiled at him, not really taking Merlin's uneasiness seriously because it was so mild compared to what it had been last days, and moved to open the second button. Merlin didn't move or object but now he closed his eyes tightly. Arthur didn't want to see that happen and his amusement faded. Merlin closing his eyes like this reminded him too much of the night when he had learned what Uther had done to Merlin and Arthur had asked if he could touch Merlin… He wasn't doing anything that should make Merlin uncomfortable then or now (considering that they were supposed to be in a relationship) and Arthur wanted to make Merlin feel it that way.
"Merlin… open your eyes…" He murmured softly to Merlin's ear. Merlin opened his eyes slowly and looked at smiling Arthur. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to. I'm just opening few buttons and if you don't like that, you can just tell me." Merlin looked at his eyes and Arthur saw him relax a bit even if his face was still red and his breathing a bit faster.
Arthur kissed Merlin tenderly on his cheek and opened one more button. Merlin melted to Arthur's kiss. Arthur smiled at him so gently and he was so careful and so just everything Merlin could have ever hoped him to be. He wanted Arthur to continue, he wanted more. When Arthur pulled back Merlin wanted to take him into his arms and kiss him and pull him towards him and press their chests together… He wanted to curl in Arthur's arms and feel protected from the world.
Arthur let his fingertips softly touch Merlin's bare skin and Merlin made a small noise of surprise (not an unpleasant one) which made Arthur smile at him widely. Merlin blushed and covered his mouth with his hand. Arthur laughed a little at him and kissed Merlin's hand. "Sorry, I'll be more careful."
Merlin didn't say anything. The way Arthur smiled was just so… just so Arthur. Other side of his mouth curled a bit differently than the other and Merlin found that very much endearing. It made Arthur's smile somehow unique.
Arthur continued opening his buttons while Merlin felt every touch like Arthur's fingers were electricity. Even if it was just opening some buttons, Merlin felt it erotic and somehow sensual. If he only had words to ask Arthur how he felt, but Merlin was growing hard under his cover and he found it highly embarrassing so he kept still because he didn't want Arthur to notice that.
When Arthur reached the last button, so close to Merlin's hips, Merlin was clinching the now doubled blanket so it wouldn't move and reveal more of him. Arthur smiled at Merlin who looked so cute, Arthur wasn't sure which way to turn. He smiled at Merlin and kissed him gently. He was also strangely proud of his boyfriend for keeping himself so calm. Arthur hoped Merlin didn't find this uncomfortable because he was feeling so good right now. He let his gaze wander on the little skin he had revealed. "Can I see a little?" He asked Merlin looking straight to his eyes to see if there were any signs of discomfort but found none. Merlin's gaze was a little bit hazy and he breathed hotly. Arthur felt happiness, it seemed that Merlin was also enjoying exploring their relationship. Arthur felt heat in his cheeks and he was definitely hard. His heart was beating fast in his chest and he felt this pleasant high of happiness. When Merlin nodded Arthur smiled at him and kissed his nose this time earning a small smile in return. He felt so close to Merlin right now. He carefully moved Merlin's pyjama so he could see Merlin chest and shoulders.
Arthur liked what he saw very much. Merlin had managed to gain some weight and was looking a lot more healthier. His skin didn't look so pale and his ribs weren't visible the whole way anymore. Arthur couldn't say it didn't turn him on. "I like the way you look…" He said and kissed Merlin's collarbone. Merlin let a soft moan and Arthur felt a new kind of happiness. He wished he could hear that sound many times in the future. But now it was time to stop. He didn't want to test Merlin's limits too much and he himself felt oddly satisfied.
Arthur lied down and wrapped his arms around Merlin's shoulders like he normally did. Just now his hand on top of Merlin, he could feel Merlin's breathing much more clearly than usual and even his heart beating. He felt a section of bare skin and on a moment's impulse he gently moved his hand to rest on Merlin's shoulder inside of Merlin's pyjama top. Merlin didn't object but snuggled a little bit closer to Arthur and moved his blanket just partially on top of Arthur's arm. Arthur was happy and comfortable and he kissed Merlin one last time on the lips softly before settling down and yawning. It had been a long day.
"Sleep well, love." He said before closing his eyes. Merlin replied in kind to him and turned of his reading lamp. Arthur bent his legs just a little so Merlin wouldn't have to worry about his erection and he briefly wondered if Merlin had one too… He certainly hoped he did.
Merlin wasn't satisfied at all. He wanted more. Just a little bit… This was the first time he and Arthur had done anything besides kissing and Merlin had developed a nagging feeling that maybe Arthur, who wasn't sure if he was gay or bi or what, hadn't thought or wanted anything more with Merlin. Anything that would make him face that Merlin really was a man and not even the most attractive one (in his own opinion). Of course Arthur had seen him naked too many times for Merlin to feel comfortable with it, so he should be very aware that Merlin was a man, but still, knowing it as a fact and actually being in a physical relationship were two different things. And now Arthur had done something more and he had at least looked like he had enjoyed himself.
'I like the way you look…' Merlin repeated his words in his head and smiled at himself. Arthur had said that… Merlin wished he had more courage. If he had, he would have made at least their last kiss a passionate one… Maybe Arthur would have caressed him more if he had… Merlin mentally slapped some sense to himself. He didn't have enough self confidence and even if he wanted more, he wasn't sure how much he actually wanted. He didn't want to suddenly panic or rush Arthur thinking he was ready for something he really wasn't right now. He was feeling good with himself right now and he didn't want to shake this state of being able to be present. His mind still felt fragile and turning back to the giggling, nervous, isolated useless shadow would be highly embarrassing and if this was the alternative, Merlin would gladly chose this even if it felt a bit scary.
It took some time for Merlin to calm down enough to sleep. Arthur's breathing was now even and it soothed Merlin. In time he felt his erection settle and he also felt tiredness take over him. He briefly hoped his mother wouldn't come in their room tomorrow morning and notice Merlin unbuttoned state but he didn't care enough to try to move Arthur's hand and close the buttons. Arthur's hand weighed comfortable and Merlin was just right amount warm and cool. He fell asleep hoping he would wake up in the morning just like this so he could enjoy it in the morning too…
Merlin's dreams slowly started from where he was, with Arthur in their bed. Arthur was shirtless and he was on top of Merlin. He took off Merlin's pyjama top completely and kissed Merlin's collarbone and chest. Merlin moaned and Arthur smiled at him the way he usually did, melting Merlin's heart. He was so happy. Arthur was telling him how he loved Merlin and his hand wandered lower and lower.
However, at some point Merlin started to feel uncomfortable and he told Arthur to wait, but he didn't. Merlin started to try to stop him and cover himself but he felt powerless and suddenly, it wasn't Arthur anymore. He was again back in Uther's house, Uther on top of him reaching for Merlin's neck. "I won't let you whore around…" he said in a voice that Merlin knew too well. Merlin tried to struggle but his body felt heavy. He couldn't breath and everything was turning black. Merlin tried to take Uther's hands away but he couldn't find any strength in his fingers and he couldn't move his other hand at all. He tried to scream but nothing came out, he couldn't breath he…
Merlin woke up to a horrible sound and after a while he realised that it was his own scream. "Merlin! Merlin! What's wrong?" Merlin heard the words but he couldn't put together where he was and it was all still black. "NO! Don't touch me!" The hand from his shoulder disappeared and suddenly there was a blinding light.
"What is going on here?!" He vaguely recognised his mother's voice but he felt nausea hit him and he had to get away. He ran to the bathroom and threw up in the sink. It was nearer than the toilet seat. There was more light and voices but Merlin couldn't hear much. He kind of recognised the stew they had been eating in the evening. His mother's cooking… he slowly started to put pieces of where and when he was.
'Uther isn't here… I was sleeping with Arthur… they both know… I'm safe…' When his vomiting paused for a while, he heard his mother approach but he rose his hand in front of her palm up, making a clear sign not to come closer. He heard the steps falter and nobody came close. He felt a second wave of nausea hit him and he threw up again. By the taste and from his experience he could tell that there was nothing left to vomit anymore but his stomach wasn't ready to settle.
After a few dry heavings he could finally focus and the world stopped spinning. He opened the water and washed his mouth somewhat and looked up just to see himself from the mirror. His face looked horribly grey, but nothing Merlin wasn't used to there, but what got his attention were red markings on his neck. He touched them slowly and realised his fingers hurt some. He must have scratched himself in his sleep. "Arthur, tell me right now what happened!" Hunith was furious and Merlin understood how this must look. His shirt was still open and he had been screaming from the bottom of his lungs.
"It was just a dream." He muttered quietly before his mother would get more worried than she already was. Hunith went silent immediately and turned to his son. Merlin knew she tried to hug him or comfort him but he couldn't take anyone touching him right now so he again rose his hand and stepped back "Don't come near me, please." His mother stopped in the middle of her step and looked heartbroken and uneasy of what to do. Merlin felt guilty, he understood that his mother just wanted to do something to help him, anything. "I… I could take a glass of water, if it's no trouble…" He tried and his mother immediately told him she would be right back.
When Hunith had disappeared from sight, Merlin finally dared to look at Arthur who looked hurt and worried. "Sorry… I didn't mean to…" Merlin said but Arthur just shook his head and tried to smile at him. "There's nothing to be sorry about. Can I do something?" Arthur looked desperate to do something too so Merlin asked him if he could get him a new pyjama, his was now sweaty and wrinkled. Arthur went to get him a new pyjama and he closed the door softly so Merlin could change in peace. While Merlin was changing he heard his mother come back. He didn't want to make them worry like this. He started to understand how they had tried to make him eat and rest and go out the whole week because they had been worried of him. Of his health and sleep yes, but about his moods too. They had tried to make him see they just wanted to see him happy again. To see him stop punishing himself in Uther's place
When Merlin stepped out his mother gave him a big glass of water which Merlin took gladly and a plate with cheese sandwiches which Merlin refused. "Arthur, is it ok, if I sleep on the couch for tonight?" He didn't look at Arthur and he felt uneasy asking this but he felt it would be more comfortable and he decided to give it a go to be just a bit selfish if he could after that concentrate on being more there and less messed up.
Arthur just told him of course and took Merlin's blanket and pillow and laid them on the couch. Merlin felt thankful and he told them both that he would be alright in the morning. This time he even felt he meant that. Hunith looked sad but returned downstairs with the plate and now empty glass in her hands. Merlin lied to the couch feeling empty and tense while Arthur tucked him in gently. Merlin really didn't know what he had done to deserve Arthur.
"Can I ask you a favour?" He asked quietly as Arthur seemed to make overly sure that Merlin blanket was covering him neatly. Arthur nodded straight away and Merlin again felt guilty for making such a scene. "Will you look after my mother just for tonight?" Arthur nodded again and smiled Merlin weakly. He wasn't tired anyway anymore so he was actually glad to have an excuse not to try to sleep alone in their bed just yet. "Of course I will. You get some rest now, ok?" Merlin nodded at him as he could while covered in blanket from head to toe. Arthur smiled at the sight and rose to move out of the room. He closed their door softly and walked downstairs.
He found Hunith sitting in their kitchen the plate of cheese sandwiches in front of her on the table. Her shoulders were hunched and Arthur was sure she wasn't far from tears. "I'll make some tea…" He said when he was just behind Hunith. She jumped a little and Arthur was sure that if he hadn't said anything, she wouldn't have even noticed him. They were silent as Arthur made the tea. The room was filled with only the sound of tea water heating. Arthur didn't know what to say. He was afraid that if Hunith started to cry he wouldn't have any idea what to do. Especially when they were clearly bothered by the same thing.
When Merlin had screamed, Arthur had woken up with a scare. He had literally jumped up his adrenalin pumping almost painfully in his ears. When he had realised the sound came from Merlin, his heart had stopped. He had tried to make him calm down and ask him what was wrong but when Merlin had yelled at him not to touch him, Arthur had felt like his heart had been hit.
When Hunith had entered the room, Arthur could swear he had seen everything in slow-motion. He had seen Merlin with his open shirt, in the bed, Arthur standing next to him without a shirt and he had heard again and again Merlin scream and yell him not to touch him. Arthur had been panicking. He knew what this must look like and he feared Hunith would blame him. That she would never let him near her son anymore and he tried to explain but he couldn't think so what he actually said was closer to "I don't- he just- I -he won't calm…" And when he had seen Merlin run off, he had felt like the world was going to end. When he had heard Merlin vomit, he had been actually relieved that Merlin hadn't run away from him, but that was soon replaced by his worry for vomiting Merlin.
When Hunith had demanded Arthur to give her answers, Arthur was about to start explaining without an idea of how he was going to even start or end his sentence but to his relief, Merlin beat him to it. "It was just a dream" rang in Arthur ears. 'just' didn't seem to justify any of that and Arthur wanted to comfort Merlin with all he got but he couldn't. Merlin had made it clear he wanted neither of them near and that broke Arthur's heart. He was so glad when Merlin let him cover him to sleep and didn't show any signs of being uncomfortable even if Arthur kept moving the blanket far more times than necessary.
When the water boiler clicked to mark that the water was ready, Arthur took a tea pot and put some tea leaves in it. He took much longer time than usual to make the tea and carry it and two cups to the table. He sat in the opposite side of Hunith and poured them tea. The silence made him nervous and he wanted to do something. He had promised Merlin he would take care of his mother. He was about to open his mouth but Hunith was faster "I'm sorry Arthur… I shouldn't have yelled at you."
Arthur hadn't expected this. He was so used to that he was yelled at and never had Uther apologised to him even when he had been clearly wrong. "It's alright, you were worried. I would have been worried. I was…" Arthur tried to make her at ease. He felt relief wash over him, he was so lucky to have Hunith. She really was a better parent that he had ever had and he appreciated that she didn't think he had done something horrible to her son. But there was an uneasy feeling inside of Arthur. Maybe he had done something? Maybe he had gone too far and made Merlin see a dream like that. He wanted to confess this to Hunith who still looked like she regretted something but he didn't dare. First of all it would have been highly uncomfortable to tell how he had opened her sons pyjama and caressed his chest even in normal circumstances and now he still felt like he was on a too thin ice, could it make Hunith forbid him from sleeping with Merlin in the same room or even being with Merlin at all?
"How many times have he been screaming like that? And I never noticed…" Arthur wasn't sure if Hunith was talking to him or to herself but her voice was heartbreaking. He understood perfectly how she felt. "I never noticed either…" He said sadly looking at steam rising from his teacup. He was surprised to feel Hunith's warm hand on his arm. "But you did. And I can never tell you how thankful I am." Now it was Arthur who was close to tears. "But I took so long… and he was right next door! How did I miss it?!" He knew he was supposed to take care of Hunith not the other way around but it felt so good to get this out. These thoughts had been weighing his heart and he just now realised that he could really talk about things to Hunith. That she actually was there for him too.
Hunith shook her head and looked sadly at Arthur "Without you we would still live with that man and he would still have to scream like that, alone. Please, remember that I am thankful to you and I'm sure Merlin is also." Arthur was about to continue when he heard Merlin's voice. "I never screamed." They both turned their heads to look at Merlin who was standing in the doorway, wrapped in his blanket and looking much calmer that the two of them. Merlin walked to the kitchen and took a tea cup for himself and Arthur moved to the next chair so Merlin could sit opposite to his mother.
Both Hunith and Arthur stared at him while he poured himself tea and continued without looking at them. "I think I yelled once or maybe twice but not for very long. I might have once screamed and that didn't end very well for me." He said in a calm voice as if it wasn't anything special. Arthur's heart hurt and he wanted to reach for Merlin not just to comfort him but himself also. Hunith looked like nothing in this world could make her happy when her son had gone through that kind of things.
"Merlin… I'm so…" Hunith started sounding desperate but Merlin took her hand silencing her. "There was nothing you could have done. I didn't want anyone to know. The fault is mine." He said in a serious voice and Hunith put her free hand in front of her mouth and shook her head, her eyes glittering with tears. Merlin turned to look at Arthur with a half a smile playing on his lips but his eyes were sad. "Guess I can keep a secret after all." Arthur felt frustrated and angry and sad all at once and it was tearing his heart making him weak. "Don't say that you idiot…" He said his voice breaking and he punched Merlin on his shoulder weakly. Merlin looked at him in a strange way, rising one of his eyebrows just slightly and Arthur broke down. Merlin wrapped an arm around his shoulders and gently let him cry to his shoulder. Arthur clung to Merlin's shirt and cried not caring how it would look. There was also silent tears running down on Hunith's cheeks.
Merlin held Arthur close and his mother by her hand and let them take their time. Now he truly regretted that he had never said anything. If he had known how much pain his discomfort was causing now to the people he cared the most, he would have had courage to tell them from the start. But now the only thing he could do was to try to be brave. He decided that from now on he would talk more, he couldn't let those he loved wonder what had happened and imagine for the worst they could make up. He would get past his fears and get better. He wouldn't let his mother or Arthur or anyone else feel like they were to blame when in reality Merlin had done everything to protect his secret. Not trusting the people most dear to him enough to ask for their help.
They talked many hours after that. Of their fears and their regrets until the sun started to rise. Their conversation became more lighter at times and Arthur even dared to joke about what had happened earlier "I was sure that you would throw me out of the house when I saw your face!" He told Hunith who again assured Arthur that she had just been worried and apologised that she took it out on Arthur. Merlin managed to make them both laugh by telling how he had used to hide in his closet ("I mean, how deep in the closet one can be?") They had drank at least three pots of tea and Merlin had managed (to his mother's delight) to eat his sandwiches. The sun was rising and they all decided to go and watch it in their yard. It was beautiful and they all felt much better than before. They had talked before, or Hunith had talked and tried not to get frustrated when Merlin had not seemed like he had really listened or when Arthur seemed to feel that he had to carry his burdens alone, but now they were really communicating.
After the sun had risen fully and they started to hear noises from the next door, they decided to go to have a breakfast. After they had eaten, Hunith told them both to go to get some sleep. She didn't mind them sleeping late today, but she advised them to set an alarm to wake them up at midday so they could sleep next night. "Aren't you going to sleep?" Merlin asked his mother who shook her head "I have work today… I have to leave in an hour." Merlin felt bad that he had totally forgotten, but his mother smiled at him. "This was important to me, thank you." Merlin hugged her. "It was important to me too…" He told to her shoulder. Hunith smiled at her son's neck but when they pulled apart she said a bit of humour in her voice "Next time lets do this at the day time." Merlin grinned at her. Soon after that he let Arthur pull him by his hand towards their room. Hunith wished them good night and after she heard their door close she turned to kitchen to make herself some strong coffee.
She really was glad that Merlin had Arthur. She had panicked yes, when she had seen the state Merlin was in. She hadn't seen past her instincts to protect her child but she had soon realised her mistake. Arthur had been nothing but supportive and he wasn't the type to move things too quickly. Especially in the middle of the night, what had she been thinking? Actually if it was any normal teenager Hunith would have not let them share room nor let them be without serious talk, but with Arthur everything seemed alright. He seemed calm and more interested in Merlin than his body or sex in general and there was just this honesty in everything he did, so it was easy to trust him. Even after all this.
Oh how much Hunith wished they had met in a very different way, that there was no Uther Pendragon and that the world was more forgiving and more supportive, but she knew there was no point in dwelling what she wished. She had learned that the first time when her parents had died. She had been reminded when the love of her life had died and now… But that was exactly why she would not let herself get depressed and bitter hoping things that she couldn't change. She would support and trust and be there for Merlin and Arthur. She would fight to keep what they had found tonight. She would make them feel how much they both meant to her and how much she did not care how they had met or that they were both males.
With those thoughts she gulped down the last of her coffee and poured some more into a thermos bottle to take with her. She would seriously need it. She left a note to the table with some money that told the boys to get some sandwiches from Gwaine's and to call her if they needed anything. It was a ploy to get them go out again, but she didn't want to see any more days her son holed himself in some corner.
Just before she left, she went to the boys room finding them deeply asleep in each others arms. She smiled at the sight and she walked quietly to Merlin's nightstand and took his alarm clock. It wasn't on, so she set it to ring at noon. She closed the door with one last look to the happily sleeping couple. She had a long day ahead….
When Merlin and Arthur stepped in their room, Arthur wasn't sure if Merlin wanted to sleep next to him still. He didn't want to sleep alone and the bed felt cold and too big for him. When Merlin started to walk towards the couch, Arthur almost followed him there. He had to stop himself from asking Merlin 'why?' He had felt so much better when they were talking earlier. When Merlin took his pillow and made his way to their bed Arthur almost cried out with joy. Merlin still wanted to be near him…
Merlin let himself fall to their bed on Arthur's side and he just laid there not even putting a blanket on. Arthur sat next to him on Merlin's side and looked Merlin for a while. "Sorry, really, I made you worried…" Merlin said quietly his eyes closed. Arthur blinked at him and lowered himself to lie next to Merlin "I'm alright, I'm glad we could talk. And with your mother too…" Merlin opened his eyes lazily to look Arthur who was just centimetres from his face. "We should talk more often…" he said quietly. Arthur nodded at him feeling serious. He wanted to know everything about Merlin. No secrets or hiding things, not anymore.
"Will you hug me?" Merlin asked Arthur with something in his eyes that told Arthur that he was not just serious but wanting to make sure of something. Arthur didn't hesitate. "Of course" he said before taking Merlin to his arms. He pulled some of the blanket on top of them. This was the first time they were fully under the same blanket and Arthur found himself smiling "What?" Merlin asked and Arthur realised how much of an idiot he must seem grinning like this in the early morning but he didn't care much "Just happy to be close to you." Merlin blushed and mumbled something that could have been "I like to be close to you also." They fell asleep soon after both feeling lighter and happier than before.
Before falling completely asleep Arthur made a mental note of never letting Merlin sleep in that ridiculous cocoon.
A/N Hi! One of my favourite scenes in this chapter, I hope you enjoyed it too :) Arthur is forcing Merlin to face himself and get more active again. That is very good. Professional help has its place and somethings just can't be solved without it, but at the moment it is very important that Merlin gets more active. As he has himself noticed, he feels better if he has eaten and slept well, but doing something and going out and socializing and exercising helps in the same way too.
P.s. It's sill thechnically monday!
And of course thank you for you awesome people who still have the energy to review, I know this is a long story and it must take a lot of effort to keep reviewing, but I relly appreciate your comment, so huge thank you!
GuestChacha That's so nice to hear! I have given a lot of thought to the characters, so it's the best to hear someone complimenting them :) We will see Freya at least once after this, I'm currently writing the part she is in and I promise Gwaine will have his moment!
Angel Dove1 Yeah, tell me about the bad influence! Uther has a thing for control and even if he has never abused Arthur like that, he has controlled him to the extreme. Actually, (i'm not sure if I can explain this in the story, so I'll just tell it to you now) the biggest reason Uther never molested Arthur, was that he could control him so well, because of Arthur's nature to try to please his father. He had also always reacted in a way Uther liked him to. Taking in all his demands and only answering 'yes father' with straight posture and not bothering him before he got results. That he also never tried to divide his attention by going out with friends or getting interested in dating (as far as Uther knew), Uther already felt in control with his son. Merlin was different, he couldn't do the same. I have Uther's profile written in detail, but it's quite hard to add to this story because I refuse to write anything in point of view of Uther. About the psychiatrist, I know what you mean, but that is also why it was supposed to be in this story, usually doctors do recommend that kind of help immediately and there are very different reactions to it. Glad that you liked Elyan, how did you like this chapter's Elyan moment? And Gwen also, I'm a bit happy with that scene and it's so nice to hear that you liked it too :) Oh, Morgana... I so expect at least twice the reviews I have gotten now when she appears, so many seem to wait for her to appear ;D How could you forget Gwaine! Kidding... so nice to hear that and I love it when you tell favourite parts and lines :) That one... I enjoy very much writing Percy who is huge being this very calm character who likes to pick locks and is a bit quiet (not in a shy way, just not wanting to talk if there is nothing to say) and very much collected guy.
Chibi . warlock No worries, nice to see you again :) Moving is a pain in the ass even in normal circumstances and with the rush to get out and have to decide what to take with you knowing you will never want to come back... ugh. Yeah, it's so important that Merlin has other friends, it weightens a relationship very fast if one has to shoulder everything from the other. Besides, as lovely as Arthur is, no-one can be there all the time. It is very normal that a predator 'courts' the victim beforehand. Stalking them and thinking of a way to approach them and ways of manipulating them not to tell anyone. The scene when Uther took that photo of showering Merlin was actually in ch.3...
Kao Oh my God, I have totaly forgotten the whole child support thing! How did I manage that on?! Thank you so much for all that legal stuff, as I said, it's not my strong suit... Child suport... I'll have to modify somethings... Ahem, anyway... In finnish law, a couple who is getting married can make this marriage setlement when they get married and it can be modified to only include some part of property of one or both parties (like if you have a summer cottage that has been in family for ages and you want to make sure it absolutely satys in your family), but the most common one is that anything you own and gain while married, stays yours. Of course if the couple buys something together, like a couch and say that ok, I'll pay half and you pay half, they have to remember that themselves. So I used that, so Hunith has no right to basically anything that was in the house. Thecnically also Arthur's furniture would have been Uther's, but well, that will not become an issue... About giving the children (especially older ones) a chance to choose themselves, that is also true, I'm kind of ignoring it because I'm mostly writing about feelings in this story, but in reality yes, there would be no chance for Uther to hold any custody over Merlin, but I'm still not sure about Arthur... If I get a chance to talk with someone wh knows this side of the law in finland, that would be awesome, but please, tell me more if you just want, I don't find anything you have told me boring or just ranting, you know something I dodn't so I'm very much interested on learning more! :) Would in case Uther was found not quilty be able to at least see his son even if Arthur wanted to only stay with Hunith? Would, like social service be present all the time or could Arthur just say that he didn't want to see his father at all? I'm so happy that you can still enjoy my story even if it's not accurate :) I know the thing about tv-shows and stuff, I could talk all day of some shows with medical stuff in them... Some are actually so far fetched that they are hilarious because of that :D How funny btw that you always read this in bublic transportation, I sometimes write this in public transportation! Hmm... I haven't actually written Gwen's reaction to the chicken pizza... I might add that because of your comment :) You got Arthur's and Gwaine's reactions so well, I'm happy that I could write them like that. It was actually originaly partly from Merlin's point of view, but I changed it in the last minute... The one that is going to be in court is actually censored... I dodn't remember what was my reason to make Leon search for photos that wouldn't need censoring, maybe I'll remember if I think for few days? All in all, thank you again, I'll try to better the future scenes with everything you have told me :)
mersan123 I hope your big day went well :) And thank you for leaving a review even when you were busy! Gwaine was scarred for life, that is very true and Arthur has lost something that is a fond memory for most of us, a childhood home. In his mind he haven't had a home anymore much like he doesn't want Uther to be his father anymore. He had been so proud of his family and his home too and now he can only feel shame, hurt and anger... not nice. But at least there is nothing Uther can really do to make those photos just dissappear... This case is closed and boy are we happy about that!
Insanereviewer Good to hear that I'm not too slow :) I myself like when stories are slow, but at times I found myself doupting if I'm too slow... So thank you for telling me it's not at least now and these few chapters are kind of the slowest ones so I'm starting to feel that I'm safe :) Arthur really had some rough time in the house, but Merlin is just kind of stuck still mentaly at the time when the house was very much alright if Uther wasn't there, so if he would have to go there later (like years later even) he would most propably be as bad as Arthur, just in a bit different way. Ah, don't worry about what Gwaine found, it was just one word he said to make it known he got something, but I'll get back to that later ;) And I might update faster :D I'm kind of hoping to get ten reviews per chapter secretly in my mind, but your super juicy long reviews always make me write about an hour after I have read them so it definitely makes results so... ;) I think that in this chapter it became very clear that Arthur wants Merlin to react. In the last chapter so he would have something else to think, but now he was just desperate to see the person he loves. When someone is passive and shuts everybody out like that, it gets pretty hard very quickly... How did you like the small Arthur and Elyan moment in this chapter? Even if it was via phone... Haha! I want to see that Merlin's painting moment too... where I could add that... have to find a place for that... Ah, the psychiatrist... I'll think of something, maybe I'll just deleta everything about that one because it's not so important part here and ugh, stuff, but lets see. About the books Arthur let Merlin decide on, if you are interested, Merlin thought about them all individually, but in the end they took them all :P Awesome you liked the scene where Arthur told Gwen and Elyan, Merlins state is not that good(underestimation), you are right, but lets see how it will change from now on :) And yes, Merlin kind of feels that his world has turned upsode down. While Uther has been telling how wrong Merlin is in every sense because he is gay, how worthless and how dirty, Merlin's view on world has morphed to be that way and now people from left right and centre are telling him that they knew he was gay and it's alright to them... even if that has been all he had hoped for, it's still hard and even scary at this point. Sad, so very sad. And you are so right! There are ways of making it clear that one is alright with different sexualities and people in general. Teenagers of course aren't that good with those kind of things ye and many don't want to be too open in that way in fear they will get bullied or labeled as gay themselves and stuff like that... But at least Hunith could have made it clear that she was alright so Merlin would have found it easier to talk to her... but what is done is done. You nailed Gwaine's reaction too, I was glad I could write Percy to be there for him! Yep, no way of getting a confession out of Uther even if it would propably be even wise in this case... but well, we will enjoy him going down. Finaly, you can pount all you want as long as you keep reading on and writing these lovely, lovely reviews :P
thejammysod Yeah, Arthur had some rough time in the house he has lived all his life... You said very well, Merlin is so used to it and so the house was easy now that Uther wasn't there, in his mind he was still in the same setting he had grown used to, but if he would have to (for some unknown reason) visit the house few years or so later... that wouldn't maybe be so pretty... Very interesting that you saw parallels in Gwen, I did think that last scene she was in very carefully when I was writing this. I found her reaction and character to be the most interesting we had seen in the series at those short moments. Pity it didn't continue after that... That Gwen knew Merlin was gay, well, I hinted on it few times i the earlyer chapters. For example when Merlin had his first sleepover at Gwen's, Gwen asked if Merlin had 'anyone he fancyed' and when Merlin told her that he didn't have a girl he liked like that, Gwen knew she had been right. That's why she was so annoyed when Arthur and Elyan interrupted them. She also asumed that Merlin was dating Gwaine when she only knew his name (back when Merlin cut class to go to see him). Spot on on Gwaine, btw, He did forget what he was going to see there and Uther is a podophile, it wasn't a moments impulse to start molesting Merlin. Your cousins fiance sounds a douche... Glad to hear his mother was on your cousins side, must have been a nasty surprice when he went home and found his stuff gone :D Leaving the ring in this case was more symbolical than anything else, a clear message that she doesn't want anything to do with Uther anymore, not even for money. (if they get something in court, that is diffeent).
Guest (for ch. 6) I was a bit confused at first, I had to think how I had made someone confused of the sport this long, but then I saw it was for chapter six :D So maybe you are a new reader, welcome on board! I hope you continued reading this long so you saw this reply :)
Guest Morgana is going to make her appearance. It's still few chapters away, but she will be there :)