The next weeks Merlin felt like something was happening all the time. Not that any of it was exactly bad, but by the end of september, Merlin felt like he would need at least every other week just for himself to survive another week of social interactions.
The school was as it always had been, in theory at least. He hang out with Gwen and Vivian most of the time even if Arthur had started to eat lunch with them every other day. Actually precisely every other day which made Merlin suspect that he had a schedule. Elyan had also made a mission to talk to Merlin at least once every day. If not in between classes, then at football.
The practices were fine. Merlin enjoyed the routine and that was time when he could be in company without actually interacting with anyone. It was soothing in its own way. He had also managed to make an order to the paperwork and he was quite satisfied with his system. The coach had left it alone, he had actually told Merlin that since he had started, he could take care of the attendance and field reservations from now on. Merlin would have declined if he hadn't been so pleased that Mr. Lazy-ass wouldn't mess up his beautiful system. He certainly wasn't doing this for him.
Finna and Tilly had visited twice and they would visit again in two weeks. The first time Merlin had been a nervous wreck and Hunith had not been much better even if she had done everything in her power to hide her nervousness. She had stressed of their living conditions and she was so afraid of the judgement and what Finna and Tilly would say, that she had stayed up half a night to clean and bake and just a day before she had taken both Merlin and Arthur with her to shop some new curtains, linens, blankets and pillows.
Arthur had let Merlin decide on their pillows and blankets while he had chosen red curtains to their room. That day Merlin had been unusually rested and his inner turmoil had been mostly focused on seeing Finna again, so he had tested some of the pillows against Arthur's arm for 'it would anyway be under the pillow, so it was best to test this way.'
Arthur had suggested that he could lie on one of the beds in display so Merlin could test the pillows better, but at that point Merlin had realised how what he was doing must look like (for a reason) and he had disappeared in between some shelves and chosen a pillow he had tried the first (which had been the best one anyway). That night Merlin had slept like a log under their new, soft and warm blankets. He loved the warmth so much… He had even managed to forget how embarrassing he had been in the shop.
Arthur on the other hand had regretted of not choosing himself a different kind of blanket. He had slept poorly until he had finally opened their window and kicked the portable inferno Merlin called a blanket to the end of their bed.
When Finna and Tilly had come, they had talked with them just about everything normal, like how school had started and how their new neighbours were before Finna had asked if she could talk with Merlin a bit in private. Tilly had stayed downstairs to talk with Hunith and Arthur while Merlin had led Finna to his and Arthur's room.
"Oh! What a lovely room! Did you decorate it yourself?" Finna looked very much admiring when they stepped in the room and Merlin smiled and blushed at the compliment. They really did have very nice room… "Arthur and my mother did most of the work… I didn't do much." He had been sorry to confess. He regretted that he had done nothing. He could have, he should have and he would be proud of it now, but he had chosen to sulk in corners instead. This had not been the first time Merlin felt disappointed in himself and his behaviour and it definitely not be the last.
"That explains all these football trophies… I guess I should have noticed right away that I didn't get to see your room the first time we met." Finna said lightly still looking around. It was interesting how Finna could include the past while she talked and Merlin didn't feel uncomfortable with it. It actually was almost funny how Finna said it, like Merlin had made this little trick to fool her and not something Merlin regretted. Why had he been so stressed of this meeting again?
"But what do we have here?" Finna asked and moved next to Arthur's night table. "Oh, mm, it's mine… I mean I made it when I was a kid." Merlin mumbled a bit awkwardly. Arthur had found the painting Merlin had painted as a child about a week ago when Hunith had started to find places for the paintings Merlin's father had made. For a reason unknown to Merlin, Arthur had insisted on taking it to their room.
It was still very clear in Merlin's head how Arthur had asked from him "What is it actually?" while holding the small aquarelle painting upside down. Merlin had rolled his eyes at him and turned the frame while trying to hide how nervous Arthur's question had made him. "It's a dragon. I liked this one of father's paintings the best," he had said and pointed the one that had always been his favourite "and I used to think that those were dragons." He had said and pointed at the small flying figures in the painting.
It was a nice painting, there was these huge looking clouds with beautiful light coming from behind them and dark silhouettes of three birds soaring in the sky. To Merlin it seemed like they were free and the sky was their kingdom. "I used to think those clouds had to be huge because the dragons were so small looking against them and I tried to paint one of them." Merlin had continued to explain.
Arthur had not said anything, but he had kept looking at both of the paintings for a long time after that and the next day Merlin had found that Arthur had hung his painting above his night table. "… And this is doing here what exactly?" he had asked very much ready to take it out and hide it into some dark corner as soon as possible. "I like it, I happen to like dragons." Arthur had replied from their couch where he had been doing his homework. "You didn't even know what it was until I told you." Merlin had protested, but Arthur had not even blinked. "That is only because you have written your name upside-down."
Merlin had blushed at that. He still had a habit of flipping everything he needed to write his name on by taking a hold of the top side causing his name to be upside-down on the top right corner. "Whatever you are thinking, it's not going away. I like it." Arthur had said before Merlin could form anything to say back and so it had stayed.
"It's lovely, I always enjoyed stories with dragons in them when I was younger." Finna commented happily and Merlin was snapped back to the present. "Arthur didn't know what it was…" he mumbled even if he really didn't hold it against Arthur, he was more surprised that Finna had known what it was. "Well, not everyone can have an artistic eye." Finna replied with a wink and Merlin guessed that if he and Arthur had been brothers, Merlin would have found the way Finna had said it hilarious, but now he felt a bit insulted on Arthur's behalf. "Arthur is better at drawing than me actually…"
He hadn't meant to sound sour, but when Finna gave him a look, an alarming knowing look in Merlin's opinion, Merlin felt cold sweat forming to his neck. Right, this was why he had been so stressed about this visit.
Finna had not commented however on anything but had asked him about things in school and in the end they had talked over an hour. It had been nice. Really nice, talking with this woman was easy and carefree and Merlin had felt that he could brag a bit of what he had done and Finna had just been there for him without Merlin feeling guilty of waisting her time. She had never mentioned the fact that they only had two bedrooms even if the other obviously belonged to Hunith.
When she had left, Merlin had actually asked if they would meet again. Finna had smiled and told that he would come as many times as she was needed and even after that if she was welcome. Merlin had told her that she was welcome anytime and she had beamed at him. When Finna and Tilly had needed to go, Arthur had waved at them from besides Merlin and Finna had given the same knowing look to Merlin, he actually felt that he wanted to tell her the thing he was most proud at the moment. That Arthur was by his side.
That night, however, Merlin had felt tired. It was the new familiar feeling to him but he had needed to explain to his mother that he wasn't upset of anything he and Finna had talked about, that he just really wanted to be alone for a while. It had been hard. He had no words to explain what he was feeling and in a way that day had been a sum of all that. He had such incredible people around him and such great life around him, but by God it was too much at times.
Gwen had asked if Merlin wanted to go to swim with her and they had agreed on going every saturday after the first time. Hunith had included Merlin to some house work, especially to cooking which Merlin found relaxing and somehow satisfying, especially when he succeeded in making something (Arthur complimented him every time, but Merlin just felt uneasy if he didn't like the result himself). Gwaine called him regularly and invited him over even if he never offered any alcohol to Merlin nowadays. Gaius let him in anytime of any day without question and always had tea and snacks to offer. Susan (who Merlin had seen while he was taking a walk to get to be alone) had told him that Aida was missing him and asked about every day when he would visit again.
It all was so nice and Merlin appreciated it so much, but at times he felt there was too little of him to give. He felt pressure to be worth of such nice gestures and good intentions. He felt he needed to be better and he felt himself tired and moody and unpredictable most of the time. In his darkest moments he felt that he was inferior to all of them. Like he was a wounded animal or a little child and every good gesture felt like charity or pity.
The worst of all, was Arthur. He did everything right. Every time Merlin felt bad or acted out, he was there to ask if he could do something. Every time he heard a bad comment of gays or a joke of sex or any topic that could make him uncomfortable at all, Arthur was there to direct the conversation elsewhere, distract Merlin with anything from asking Merlin to explain him something from biology class they had just had to throwing a football to his direction and yelling Merlin to 'think fast'. Once when some of their classmates had been making fun of some girls who had been holding hands Arthur had actually stepped in while Merlin had made his mission to walk to another direction as steadily as possible.
It wasn't that he didn't appreciate all of that or that he wasn't extremely proud of his boyfriend, but it just made him feel that this all wouldn't last. Especially at school they didn't act at all differently and Arthur was this brilliant football captain who was strong and handsome and well, stabile all the time with no flaws or weaknesses and Merlin felt they were not going to get anywhere. Arthur was there for him now yes, but what about the future? Merlin couldn't compare and the feeling of them being unequal grew with every passing day.
Merlin wanted to get closer to Arthur, he wanted to be there for Arthur, he wanted to feel secure about them and he wanted to see and feel that there was at least some development in their relationship, but while Arthur was always there like some kind of a hero, he also had grown… distant. Emotionally he was getting more and more something like a very good teacher. Wiser, stronger, someone with an answer and he was handling Merlin with calmness and techniques Merlin knew he used to his team. It felt like he was guiding Merlin to the direction he wanted and while the direction more often than not was a good one and helped Merlin to calm down if he had seen a nightmare or whatnot, it still felt… well, at least not like they were really dating. The closest thing to a date had been when they had bought some ice-cream from Gwaine and they had sat in the park and Merlin had made up what kind of shapes some clouds had seemed like. Arthur had laughed when he had told that one of the clouds looked like Oliver trying to eat the nearest cloud that looked a bit like Australia. Arthur had held his hand then.
Speaking of physical contact, Arthur had been a proper gentleman. To the point Merlin found if unnerving. He still slept his hand under Merlin's pillow and he still held his hand occasionally and he still kissed Merlin's cheek and forehead regularly, but Merlin wanted more. Just one kiss more or a bit longer hug or a bit less buttons closed or anything. Just a little bit more. Or even what they had already done, something to make him feel that they were going to be together and Arthur wanted him even a portion of how much he wanted Arthur.
But no, Merlin had asked Arthur to read with him a couple of times and Arthur never said no, but it was never the same it had been when Arthur had held him in the hotel room they had stayed when Uther had been arrested. Arthur sat next to him or sometimes they lied next to each others on their couch and Merlin rested his head on Arthur's arm while Arthur held the book, but they really read and Merlin wanted… he didn't even know what, Arthur to get distracted and start to kiss his neck or hug him stronger or open few buttons of his shirt (he had bought a button up shirt when he had gone to shop with Gwen and he wore it as many days as possible in hope that Arthur would open the top buttons someday) but it never happened. And Merlin just couldn't find the courage to actually ask for any of that. He thought that if Arthur wanted more, he would do more and he had no right to ask anything at all.
It was the last day of september when Merlin was sitting in their garden feeling restless while reading a book. It was saturday and he wished Arthur would stay upstairs doing whatever he was doing and that it would never be seven o'clock when his mother was supposed to come home. He really just wanted to be alone. The week had wore him off. He had gone to swim with Gwen in the morning and half of the practices on friday he had spent trying to convince Pellinor that he really was ok even if Pellinor had bumped on him while he had been running backwards. He just had no idea of how to deal with Arthur's somehow gentle but serious teammate who seemed to be somehow a bit too much of everything around Merlin lately.
It was when Merlin was half fantasizing that every school of the content would suddenly announce that weekends would become schooldays and every weekday a holiday, when a football pounced from the ground in front of him and almost hit his book. Merlin turned to look at the direction the ball came from and was ready to tell Arthur to go and be funny at somewhere else, but he only saw their fence and heard a noise like something was lifted against the said fence. Arthur was nowhere to be seen.
It didn't take long for Aida's eyes appear above the fence. It looked like she was standing on something, on her toes and still she didn't quite reach the height she had wished. "Merlin! Can I come to get my ball, please?" She asked cheerfully as soon as she saw him and Merlin had hard time believing that the ball getting to their garden was an accident. "Sure… you want me to open the front door for you?" he asked mostly amused but just a bit nervous.
"No need!" Aida answered and her head disappeared for a short while before she jumped and started to climb over the fence. Merlin looked at this blankly for a second and then he realised how high the fence really was compared to Aida. He jumped up and was there just when Aida managed to turn around on top of the fence and drop herself to hang from the edge of the fence, her legs still about half a meter from the ground.
Merlin didn't even think before he took a hold of Aida's sides in order to make sure she wouldn't fall. Aida started to squirm and she let go of the fence and Merlin's first reaction was to drop the child, but his common sense won and he lowered Aida to the ground as fast as he could and stepped as far as he could away from the said child after that.
"That tickled!" Aida laughed and held her sides to Merlin's utter surprise. He did remember his mother's and Susan's trust on him when it came to Aida, but he still couldn't feel that Aida would be ok with him later. Maybe when she grew up she would get discussed of someone like Merlin touching him?
"Do you want to play football?" Aida asked totally oblivious of what was going on Merlin's head. "I thought you only came to get your ball?" Merlin teased automatically and when Aida looked coy, he felt a bit pleased all of a sudden. Maybe he was at least a bit good with children? "But now that I'm here, we could as well play, right?" She asked now a bit shyly and there was no way Merlin could say no to those big brown eyes.
They managed to kick the ball around for about ten minutes before Merlin decided to show Aida a trick Arthur had managed to taught him, spin the ball on his index finger. Aida stared him in awe and she declared that Merlin was a magician and Merlin laughed at that like he remembered laughing with Will when they had been small. He seriously needed to call Will again…
At this point Arthur appeared to the garden and Aida declared that she was a beautiful princess and invented a story of a monster who she and Merlin, her magician would have to defeat in order to find a treasure. "Then we can build us a bigger castle and decorate it with diamonds this big!" Aida explained and spread her hands as wide as she could.
"And of course the fair lady need a horse." Merlin continued after Aida with a dead serious tone, picked Aida up and placed her on Arthur's back. Aida caught up immediately and she giggled before telling how Arthur was from now on her pony. "She has golden mane and she is blue." Aida told them happily (Arthur was wearing a blue t-shirt)
Arthur had taken a hold of Aida's legs when she had wrapped them around his waist, but now he had the most disturbed look on his face. "Wait why 'she'?" he even sounded like he was afraid to know. "Because you are a pony."Aida replied very seriously and Merlin remembered that every toy they had played with had very distinctively long eyelashes and were definitely female.
"I'm not sure that you know how ponies work…" Arthur muttered and Aida pouted before saying with a somewhat offended tone "Fine, you can be a he. Good boy." She patted Arthur's head and Arthur looked like he had won a battle but lost a war. Merlin laughed at the scene at least a minute before he was able to calm down enough to breath properly.
They played an impossible quest with rules that seemed to change every other minute until Susan came to stand on whatever Aida had been standing on before and tell that it was time to come back inside. Merlin's first reaction was that he had made a mistake. "Should I have called you or…?" he asked, but Susan just smiled at him. "Oh, Aida told me that she was going to visit you. I hope it was not too much trouble."
Merlin blinked and then he looked at Aida who was smiling sheepishly and then she turned at her heels and ran next to the fence. "Up!" She said cheerfully and Susan bend to reach for her daughter. She took a hold of her elbows and Aida did the same and then Susan lifted her until Aida could take a hold of the fence.
"Oof… you are getting heavy!" Susan complained while Aida climbed over the fence. "Well, soon I'll be able to reach myself so I don't need your help!" was the last thing Merlin heard her say while she was still visible. It seemed Aida was not new at the art of climbing over fences.
"Merlin, Arthur, good night and say hi to Hunith!" Susan told them and Aida yelled to visit her soon from behind the fence. Merlin just looked at the fence for a while a small smile playing on his lips. He had really enjoyed the role where he was entertaining Aida and he felt like he could gradually drop the feeling that he was somehow bad for her. She had seemed so happy… and they had had fun playing. It had made Merlin feel carefree and a bit like a responsible adult. It was nice.
When he turned to look at Arthur, he met an amused and openly happy look. It was the most spontaneous face he had seen Arthur wear in days and it felt as good as any physical contact could ever feel. "You are good with kids you know." Arthur said with a tender voice and Merlin blushed a bit. He briefly wondered if someday he would be able to have children. Not the traditional way most probably, but for a second he saw himself playing with a child of Aida's age with Arthur and he laughed a bit. It was a nice image, but it felt too far away from anything he knew right now so the image disappeared soon, but years later he would find this memory from some deep corner of his mind and he would know this was the first time he ever thought of that possibility.
"And you are quite a good pony." He answered directing him good mood to be amused of Arthur who frowned at him only partially seriously. "I still don't get why I couldn't have been a knight or at least a horse. Why pony…" He asked and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Because Aida loves ponies." Merlin answered only partially teasing. "But to me, you will be a purple striped giraffe." He finished when Arthur looked at him a bit too seriously.
"Pray tell me what it is with this purple striped giraffe?" Arthur asked and Merlin couldn't help but laugh. He would so tell Elyan Arthur had asked that and make sure he never explained what it was about.
"I have no idea, but I would guess that Mother has caught you distracted. She had a habit of asking if I was something or other if I didn't listen to her. She once asked if Will was a yodelling moor frog when he kept answering her 'yes' before she had even finished her sentences."
Arthur looked like he was trying to pinpoint a moment he had been distracted but asked instead "And what she called you, may I ask?" Merlin just smiled at him coyly and started to walk inside. "You would want to know, wouldn't you?" There was no way he would give that information to Arthur.
The night went pretty much with Arthur asking again and again what Merlin had been called and why first from Merlin and later from Hunith who decided to play along and not give Arthur the answer. It amused Merlin and for a change the house was full of noise and laughter. In the end Merlin promised that he would tell if Arthur won him in a round of Scrabble. At that point Arthur gave up.
Unknown to them, Aida told her mother when she was being tucked in "Merlin really does love Arthur, doesn't he?" Susan smiled at her daughter. She had always been the most hype of her daughters, but in a way the most sensitive one of them too. She always picked up what was not said directly. Maybe the meaning was a bit lost to her this time, but it didn't matter. God did she love this third miracle of her life.
"It really would seem so." She just said warmly and Aida nodded at her before turning to her side. She had decided only a week before that she was now too old to be kissed good night, but Susan still leaned in and kissed Aida's temple earning her a grumble and the sight of Aida brushing her temple with her pyjama sleeve. Susan just chuckled. Her oldest daughter had done the same even earlier than Aida and she knew it would pass. She exited the room leaving the fairy lights that hung next to her daughter's bed on. She had school and her husband had work and while she prepared some snack for her middle daughter who had dance lessons tomorrow, she went through her schedule. Maybe the next time she would need a babysitter she should ask for Merlin? She was sure he would be great influence to her children.
It wasn't exactly the way he had been able to play with Aida or anything else actually, but Merlin was feeling a bit better. He kind of knew he wasn't still feeling good in the way he had felt before Uther, but the difference towards better was the feeling that mattered. He suddenly had more energy and more will to make things better and do what he knew he should do.
He managed to call Will and even if the first half of the call was used in listening of Will complaining of how Merlin had not answered his calls or text messages, it was well worth it. He managed to find strength to arrange another shopping trip with Gwen and he managed to actually laugh at something Pellinor said causing him to finally relax a bit around Merlin. He guessed Pellinor was still sorry for bumping against him the other day.
Still Merlin longed for time to be alone and one day, he remembered the corner in their closet he had sat just once. It gave him unexpected comfort. He didn't know if it was the dark narrow place or the fact that this way of spending time was familiar to him, but it worked. Much like studying took his thoughts on hold, the closet made him feel that he was alone and that nobody could find him. That was just what he had needed.
Studying Merlin had started to… not avoid, but limit. At times it was too easy to just keep studying and after Arthur had told him twice it was time to go to sleep on their second school week and Merlin had realised he had been sitting in front of their desk for over four hours studying something they were supposed to go through in school maybe as soon as november, that he had made a rule for himself to only study three hours a day. At most.
This all was working on Merlin's benefit in the long run, but still, Merlin had this huge lump of tangled feelings inside of him and they tended to surface in odd times.
Routines were good. Merlin found he could keep himself in check if he knew exactly what he was supposed to do and how to act. For example in the football practices he was always almost in a meditative state where he had his purpose and a selected lines he could use if he needed to speak. Or if he visited Gaius he knew they would make tea and he knew he could always just talk about science if he didn't have energy for anything personal.
But at home it didn't work. There was always something new. Was it her mother asking a question he was not prepared to or Arthur placing his stuff in a different corner or a light bulb suddenly going off because it needed to be replaced, it all could make him upset and lose his balance. It actually felt like his reactions, while they were less frequent, had become more extreme.
For example just a few days ago Merlin had started to first cry when he had dropped a water glass on the floor causing it to shatter and then just a minute later he had shouted at Arthur to get out when he had started to pick up the shards from the floor. It had been then when Merlin had decided that he should really consider the psychiatrist Freya had recommended to him. His mother had started to visit a therapist regularly and it had done her good, so maybe it would help him also? Merlin didn't feel that talking to a stranger would actually get him to be ok with anything that had happened, but if it could make him more stable, then it definitely would be worth it. He had actually pushed it this far because he already felt there was too much to do and because most of the available times were lapsing with the football practices. Those were the one thing he didn't want to miss.
He went to visit Gaius that day after he had apologised to Arthur who seemed understanding and kind in a too kind way. Merlin almost felt frustrated that he wasn't even slightly upset at him.
While he played some Scrabble with Gaius, Merlin told him that he had decided to go and visit a therapist. Gaius had congratulated him on his decision, but Merlin couldn't quite feel that he liked the idea of laying himself open to mental dissection. What he wanted was to feel that he was strong or independent on something, anything really, but there was no automat he could get self-confidence from.
Hunith was very pleased to hear Merlin was willing to try the therapy. It had given her so much and she wished that it would do the same for her son, but as it turned out, Merlin didn't like at all how he had to tell Arthur that he would not be helping out on thursday, to answer where he had been to the team on friday and especially to find his paperwork messed up by the coach. It seemed like he had attempted on doing what Merlin had done, but his interest had dropped half way through. His handwriting was sloppy and big and Merlin had a difficult time in telling his 'e's and 'i's apart.
The therapist had been nice. She had give Merlin time and she had not pried or pressured him. She had asked quite interesting questions and she had given Merlin something to go with, but somehow Merlin had still felt that they were not speaking the same language. He tried to explain what he was feeling and she didn't quite understand him or she asked something and Merlin didn't quite understand why she was asking. Together with the problems he had with the team, he only visited her four times.
In the last one, the therapist actually asked him if his mind was elsewhere and he had spend fifteen minutes what was probably already her free time telling how annoyed he was about the football coach failing to fill the attendance list and how fed up he was of Oliver asking if he was going on a date on thursdays. It was then when he realised that he really didn't want to be here. It wasn't because he was embarrassed or that it was hard to meet this woman, but because he had so much that served as a therapy already. Maybe not for all, but for him at least and he just needed to step up and break the same boundary he had broken when he had decided to talk honestly to this woman who he still didn't feel much emotional contact. In fact he still didn't even remember her name, her room had a very beautiful picture of a maple in autumn, losing its red and orange leaves, and so Merlin had started to call her Mrs. Maple in his head.
That night he had talked with his mother for a long time. Hunith had been against him quitting so soon, but Merlin had told how he felt as long as he had needed to find the words for how he was feeling and in the end, Hunith had let him to make the decision. He could always start again if he needed and even if Merlin decided that he wouldn't have to, he promised he would give it another chance if he started to feel worse.
After that he started to recognise the fear he held inside on himself better. Not just in obvious situations, but now that he was actively trying to find hidden meanings to his distress, he actually found answers quite regularly. Once he called to Mrs. Maple and she asked him a question Merlin would use for years, 'Maybe it had nothing to do with that?'. That was maybe the only moment when Merlin had felt they were in the same wavelength.
Asking himself that made so much sense to so many things. Like when he had started to cry over a broken glass, it wasn't that he was upset because a glass was broken, but because there was a fear, a fear that someone would hurt him because of that. That someone would make him strip and bend over for misbehaving. It was because he knew that not Arthur nor his mother would never do anything like that, he had really grown to trust on that, and his mind had dismissed the conscious thought while the fear had remained. That was why he had lashed out. Mixed feelings and insecurity were not a good combination and Merlin started to spend more time in the closet to just think through his days in peace.
At times he needed some help and Gaius always had answers for him. Merlin really felt he was his father figure and he knew that he would be lost without him. At times he thought how much his life would differ from this if he had not chosen Gaius' garden or if he had not walked in Gwaine's shop and he wished he had a God he could at least thank for these coincidences. At times he felt so grateful of them both that he was ready to cry.
It was one of these times when Merlin was visiting Gwaine on a sunday. It was Gwaine's rare day off and Merlin was feeling very special that Gwaine had asked him to come and spend some time with him. When Merlin had arrived, Percy had been just leaving. It seemed that he had spend the night and was so ready to get home and he told as much to Merlin while staying as far from Merlin as it was possible and still seem polite.
That was when Merlin decided that it was up to him to tell he was not going to be fragile for the rest of his life. Tell to who, he was not sure, but he took a step closer to Percy and he was happy when Percy didn't take a step back nor changed his tone. It was a small gesture, but Merlin felt somehow stronger and more confident after he had said goodbye to Percy.
With Gwaine he had good time. They watched a movie Gwaine had been going on and on that Merlin should see it and it was definitely worth all the hype. They had mimicked some of the lines afterwards and gone through their favourite parts. Merlin was sure he had never been affected like this because of a movie, he was more of a book person. He also let Gwaine know this to which he answered "And what is the use of a book without pictures or conversation?"
Merlin laughed to the point he rolled on the floor "And yet you have read Alice in Wonderland!" He said while poking Gwaine's feet as soon as he managed to stop laughing. "That is so funny!" He continued as if it wasn't obvious.
"Everything is funny, if you laugh at it." Gwaine said mockingly seriously and Merlin laughed some more while leaning on Gwaine's knees which his elbow. He had found he could do that. Gwaine didn't seem to mind and Merlin had learned to trust on himself that at least with Gwaine, he just enjoyed the human contact, he wasn't interested in him sexually at all and so he had found a habit of testing if that still applied as frequently as it was possible. It brought him great joy every time Gwaine didn't move his arm or feet when Merlin sat next to him and didn't feel anything more than a nice, solid body next to him. Even if they were alone, Merlin trusted completely that Gwaine would not even think of doing anything to him and learning that being gay really didn't make him lust for every male, not even those he liked or found handsome like Gwaine, so definitely not everyone he came across. It was just some he found really attractive and it was just Arthur he actually wanted to date.
So why couldn't he be more like this when he was with Arthur?
It took Merlin almost two week to cultivate that thought before he managed to actually find a situation where he could just look at Arthur and think about them objectively.
Arthur had been tired for a couple of days and that day it had started to rain. It was supposed to be one of the last outside practises and Arthur had planned every minute they had. In the end of the practices when they had run home in order to not get soaked at least completely, Arthur had confessed that he should have taken the weather into consideration, but when he had tried to organise the team while making up something to do, he had completely lost his cool when some of the players had started to play with one of the balls lying around instead of listening him. It had not been pretty. The team had reacted in a way that Merlin thought they would react if Arthur had been replaced with an angry dragon. The rest of the practise had been slightly awkward and very much quiet and stiff.
At home Merlin had watched Arthur first pace around and then mutter at himself while sitting on their living room couch and Merlin had realised that he was there just because he needed someone to tell him it was alright. Much like he had needed many times. So, Merlin went to their kitchen and made Arthur some hot chocolate, placed a mug in his hand and told him that the rain should learn some sense of time and place.
Arthur had lost his irritation the same pace he had drunk the hot chocolate and Merlin had felt that he had made the right decision. But what more, Merlin had found some confidence that he knew Arthur. That Arthur was not the perfect human being he had made him to be in his head. Not that he wasn't perfect for Merlin, but that he too had his flaws and that Merlin was not actually inferior to him, he just felt it that way. And right now he didn't trust those kind of feeling very much.
He tried to find more courage then. He took more chances socially and while he failed at times and it felt horrible to see Vivian looking at him like he had offended her gravely when he made fun of her new skirt or when Lee looked at him confused when he attempted to be funny, he pushed himself forward. It was rewarded when Gaius laughed when he formed a word 'penile' when they were playing Scrabble, when Elyan thanked him for giving him some answers for his history homework and when he managed to normalise his and Lance's relationship with practically shouting "No, no, no, no, no! We are not going to be sorry about that you tried to help me to survive PE for year and a half!" (Gwen had invited them both to her house after one of their saturday swimmings .)
Finally Merlin found a situation where he could ask Arthur for more. It was just a normal afternoon and Merlin had helped Arthur with some of his homework. Merlin had managed to stay on top of the class in biology, chemistry and physics he had been told that he would need if he wanted to apply for medical school even if he had managed to stop studying compulsively. Other subjects he did at least fine and he had found a tv-station that showed documents about at the time he normally stopped studying, so he had learned a great deal of stuff his teachers found to be a mark of his maturity, so he was doing alright.
Arthur on the other hand had started to slip. It was not a bad thing at all, he too had focused on what he found interesting when Hunith had never blamed him of not trying enough if he didn't get full marks on for example chemistry which was still Arthur's nemesis. Merlin wasn't even sure if Arthur himself had noticed that it was alright that his grades had dropped and he was ready to tell that it didn't matter if it came as a shock to his boyfriend when they would get their Christmas report cards.
Anyway, Arthur had thanked Merlin with a beaming smile when he had understood why base and acid made salt and he had asked if Merlin wanted anything in return and Merlin had managed to say "You could kiss me." while almost looking Arthur in the eye.
Arthur had not taken much time to do just that.
The kiss had been tender at first, but as soon as Merlin had fully understood that they were actually making out after all this time, he had deepened the kiss as much as he had dared.
They had been sitting leaning to their couch and soon Merlin was holding on Arthur's shirt and Arthur had wrapped his arms around Merlin's shoulders. It felt so good and for a moment Merlin forgot completely why he had not done this before. He licked Arthur's bottom lip as he remembered Arthur had done to him once and he did something he had not dared at that time. He leaned backwards and made sure Arthur followed him on the floor.
It was a bliss, feeling Arthur's weight on top of him even if Arthur was holding back. The wooden floor he was laying on shouldn't feel warm or comfortable, but at the moment it did. Arthur kept some of his weight on his hands and he sifted so he wouldn't be on top of Merlin from waist down, but Merlin took what he could. He hesitantly moved his hands on Arthur's back and hugged him close. Arthur made a soft moan at that and momentarily Merlin felt so very confident and good.
Arthur's hand wandered lower on Merlin's waist and found its way under the hem of Merlin's shirt. The touch felt first foreign, but then soon after very much welcome and Merlin wished Arthur would open the damn buttons already (he was again wearing the button up shirt), but when Arthur deepened the kiss just slightly and his other hand wrapped around Merlin's shoulders, Merlin flinched.
It was the stupid scar again, Merlin was very conscious about it. He hated the scar. It was ugly and uneven and a constant reminder of how had happened to him that day and it felt so discussing and so shameful part of his being. He never wanted to see it or touch it himself let alone Arthur seeing or touching it. It was just gross.
When Arthur moved his hand as if it had been burned, Merlin however tried to act like nothing had happened for he didn't want to stop because of the scar, he wanted to pretend nothing had happened at all, but Arthur had other ideas. He toned down the kiss and just hugged Merlin tenderly for a while being careful of not being too close of the scar or Merlin's waist or to press too strongly at Merlin. Yes, it was considerate, but Merlin felt a bit tired of considerate and a lot disappointed in himself for how he was. He really didn't manage to be relaxed, intimate or even himself with Arthur and that thought pushed him to go to a long walk that ended to Gwaine's shop that night. That night he asked if Gwaine would sell him some beer again.
Arthur was wearing himself thin. He knew it and he was quite sure that it showed too. He had tried his everything and he had found a rhythm where he always thought of how whatever he was doing, would look like. From the moment he woke up, Arthur tried to be considerate, strong and reliable till the moment he could fall asleep. In some sense it was alright. He could forget his father and his sister when he concentrated on Merlin and Hunith, but at least once in a day he felt he was not doing enough.
At times he felt desperate of Merlin's attention and at times every look or gesture Hunith made seemed like disapproval to Arthur. It was impossible to do everything right every time and most of the time he wasn't even sure what right was. Sometimes it was like he was picking sides between Merlin and Hunith and that wore Arthur down the most.
At times Merlin had just forgotten to call Hunith and it felt right enough just to tell Hunith that Merlin had asked him to tell her that he had gone to the park with Aida or that he had gone to meet Gwaine, but when Arthur had taken some clothes from their closet and he had heard a can fall, he had actually fled the closet. He wouldn't see or know anything for he couldn't find it in himself to decide if he should tell Hunith or protect Merlin. He just couldn't.
There was nothing Arthur wouldn't have done in order to get things to be normal if he just knew what that would be. The worst was the feeling that he had no idea of what to do, but the quite prominent second was that he had no idea what the normal was. Merlin was his everything, but what if there would be a time when Merlin didn't need him? Or if he couldn't help Merlin at all? Or if Merlin would find someone else to love him when he got better?
Arthur missed so much the simpler times even if thinking that made him hate himself. What had been simpler for him, had been an agony for Merlin. Also, he was not sure if there had been a time that had actually been simpler. When had they gotten to know each others? And even when they had gotten closer, had Merlin already been abused? Had he ever known Merlin completely?
Those questions hurt him in a way that at times made him wake up in the small hours. He knew it was not fair to think that Merlin had somehow betrayed him or his trust, but it was hard sometimes. He didn't hold it against Merlin, but at times he felt that they had actually met that day when Arthur had listened his father rape Merlin through the closet door.
Most of the day Arthur found some satisfaction when he managed to take care of Merlin gently, properly without initiating anything, without asking anything in return and being a bit more above the situations than he really felt. It made him feel balanced and confident about his mental strength, but there were days when he just needed some kind of release. He had started to jog and he had taken a habit of punching a punching bag that hung in a corner of the gym every time he passed it after practices. It helped some, especially the jogging, but in the long run he just needed to see Merlin smile.
Aida had proven herself to be pretty good with that one and Arthur had enjoyed very much on seeing how Merlin had lost his fear to touch that energy ball everyone else seemed to call a child. He also loved how relaxed Merlin seemed after he returned from Gaius' house or how he told some things he had found funny when he returned from Gwaine's or how sleepily serene he was after he had swam with Gwen, but Arthur wanted to be the source of all that. He wanted to be the one who could make Merlin relaxed and amused and happy, but he had no idea how and that made him feel like he was running around in a maze half of the time.
When Merlin had actually asked him for a kiss, Arthur had leaped into the chance immediately. Afterwards he had been shocked of his behaviour and he thought over and over how Merlin had tensed when he had moved his hand under the hem of Merlin's shirt. Pure want hit him now and then and if Arthur had been able congratulate himself on something, he had known that he could control his urges, which mostly circled around Merlin and getting to feel him naked against his skin. He knew he had to show Merlin that he was not after his body and that he was strong enough to support them both and that he could wait as long as needed, but it felt just too much and now he he had managed to forget that when it had mattered
t took few days for Arthur to stop thinking of what he should and shouldn't have done, because even if Merlin had acted weirdly for about a day or so afterwards, he somehow did seem a bit… better? Or maybe Arthur was just hoping, but when Merlin had still nuzzled close to him when they had gone to sleep two nights in a row before he had even put his under Merlin's pillow (he had grown used on sleeping like that and it felt foreign if he had no weight on his arm). he had decided to take a deep breath and just hope they were alright. He just needed to take a hold of himself and try harder. Unknown to Arthur, he was quite near a complete burn out, but he kept going. He felt he could do more and he would. Until Merlin would either get better or reject him or the world would end, Arthur was determined to keep going.
He was alright, he kept telling himself. Not everything was for the worse, not even a portion of it. Hunith let him go to meet his friends and she didn't call him on his grades even if Arthur knew he was supposed to be able to put more work on them. That caused him to actually try a bit more than he would have gotten energy at the moment and once in awhile, Arthur actually left the house to hang out with his friends. It had felt weird at first, that he had been able to just say 'Can I go to Elyan's?' and Hunith had answered 'Yes, come home by eight, please. Will you drive there?'. Every time Arthur still prepared an excuse in his mind, but he was gradually coming to terms that Hunith didn't need them. So he mostly went to see some friends from his team when Merlin went to swim or to Gaius'. When Merlin was home, Arthur still felt responsibility to stay home with him.
It was already november when Arthur was walking back home from Bedivere's place (he lived just about a kilometre away from where Arthur lived now). He had for once let himself to listen Merlin's words rather than his gestures and thought it was alright to go and play video games with his friends while Merlin was alone at home. It had been fun and all, but now that Arthur was getting nearer to home, he felt so tired… He just wanted to go to sleep. It was almost eight o'clock too and tomorrow he would have to start another week of practices and school and everything… Arthur was mostly happy to see the front door of his home and just a bit spaced out when Hunith ran from the direction of the park to catch Arthur before he could reach the door.
"Have you seen Merlin? He's not with you…?" was the greeting he got and Arthur's mind went on alert at once. "He's not home?" He asked before he could think of what was the right thing to do and when Hunith shook her head, Arthur didn't care anymore. There was just this alarm in his head warning him of every worst case scenarios and a voice blaming him for leaving anywhere at all.
"No! I hoped he was with you. I thought he was at home, but when I came here, the lights were off and he doesn't pick up his phone. I went to Gaius and to Gwaine's, but they have not seen him…" Hunith sounded desperate and Arthur saw that she was close of crumbing. He didn't see that often, but when he did, it felt like the world was ending. He couldn't shoulder this alone and he felt momentarily helpless, but then a thought hit him. He just might know where Merlin was.
"I might know where Merlin is. Let me just put my things upstairs." He said with a tone he hoped would calm Hunith down. She nodded and Arthur patted her shoulder before hurrying upstairs. He knew Merlin spend time in their closet and when he opened the door to their unlighted room, he noticed Merlin's phone on their desk and while Merlin did leave his phone in Arthur's car if they drove to school because it was raining or to their desk if he was home, he never left it if he left somewhere alone nowadays and Arthur wished so much that was the case now too.
He checked their bathroom for he had found Merlin sulking from their tub a couple of times, but then he went to the most probable place, their closet.
It was dark and very much quiet, but some hangers were not placed naturally and seeing that, Arthur relaxed immediately and he sat down in the middle of the closet. Partly because he wanted to be on the same level than Merlin and partly because his legs felt soft all of a sudden. "You mother is worried you know." He said quietly and he saw the hangers shift immediately. So Merlin was indeed in their closet and the relief that washed over Arthur. That realisation gave him energy to do whatever he needed to do for Merlin, again.
"I'm going out now and I will tell Hunith that you will be home in an hour." He said and stood up. He was not sure this was the right decision, but he just couldn't drag Merlin out of his hiding place now. He hoped he would never have to do this again.
When he didn't hear any reply immediately, Arthur just stood up and jogged downstairs. He told Hunith he would be back soon and that he was sure Merlin was alright. Hunith told she wanted to come with him, but Arthur told her it was better if she waited here incase Merlin came back. It was maybe the first time Arthur had lied like this to Hunith and he seriously vowed that he would never do this again, not even for Merlin. It felt that wrong.
Arthur jogged to Gwaine's shop just to have a direction to go and he caught Gwaine standing just in front of his shop, looking like he was waiting for someone. "So now you are here too. So Merlin has really vanished into thin air?" Gwaine asked nonchalantly when Arthur was close enough, but Arthur could hear from his tone that Gwaine was as worried as he would have been if he had not known Merlin was actually just hiding in their closet.
Arthur sighed. He had no strength left to lie to Gwaine too and make up a story of where Merlin was so he just blurted out "Merlin is alright. I just came to kill some time before I'll go to tell Hunith that his son is not in trouble." He tried to sound like he was cool with all this. Gwaine looked at him eyebrows high and a question on his lips.
Arthur sighed again. "He sometimes hides in our closet and drinks, I guess thanks to you…" Arthur said not being able to hide the accusation in his tone. It took a moment, but soon Gwaine broke into a grin. He was obviously relieved, but there was also this stupidly pleased tone when he said "Oh that. I'm actually pretty pleased with myself about that."
Ok, this was not the response Arthur had been waiting for and he looked at Gwaine puzzled. He got even more stupidly self-satisfied grin in return and Gwaine took his moment before he bothered to explain. "I sell him tonic water. Tastes bad enough to be an alcoholic drink but is actually soda."
"Really…?" Arthur asked not convinced at all and Gwaine gestured him to come inside. "Yep, I even made some room to my fridge for it." He said happily and provided Arthur a sandwich. Arthur looked at the yellow cans Gwaine gestured while taking a bite of the filled bread that tasted like life itself at the moment. He hadn't even realised how hungry he had been.
"It's great that you take care of Merlin, but remember to take care of yourself also. He will not forgive himself if something happens to you because of him." Gwaine said causing Arthur to snap out of his staring of the tonic water cans that were placed next to the brand of beer Arthur remembered drinking with Merlin in his room what seemed like a lifetime ago. He would never drink that brand of beer in his life.
"Huh?" he asked not quite getting what Gwaine was saying even if his words were pretty clear. "I mean that you are doing too much. Remember that you too need help from time to time." Gwaine continued and Arthur continued staring. Why did Gwaine tell this to him when Merlin was the one who needed support? Why was anyone worried about him when he was just been provided what he assumed was a free sandwich and he had just been visiting a friend he had not needed an excuse for? When he had Merlin to go home to?
"I'm not the one who needs taking care of." He said like it was the absolute truth and Gwaine sighed. "Yes you are. Everyone needs taking care of and your situation is not the most fortunate of all. Remember to ask for help before you collapse, it will not do good for anybody, believe me."
There was something in Gwaine's words that Arthur wanted to believe desperately, but at the same time the side he had been using of himself just brushed it off as something he didn't need right now. He kind of thought of talking to someone or asking of help while he walked back home to tell Hunith that there was no need to worry, but he felt that he had no options. Not really. Elyan knew and Gwen too, but Arthur felt that they should rather sympathise with Merlin, he didn't want to complain to them and while he had many friends in his team, he had not seen them outside the practices before this autumn very often and he had no idea of how to talk to any of them about his situation. Besides how would he even start? 'Merlin was heavily abused and raped, but I feel bad because every time he sits too close to me, I get a hard on and I can't do anything about it.' Yes, marvellous. He needed someone to ask what he was supposed to do and there was no way any of his friends could help with that. Going to therapy didn't seem like an option either. It felt like admitting to everyone including himself that he was too weak after all.
Hunith was waiting for him at the front door and she was eager for the news. It felt bad to tell her that Merlin was alright and would be home in an hour even if that was technically true. It was hard not to tell the truth when someone really trusted his word. Hunith was clearly in agony and she clearly felt that Arthur was doing better job at taking care of Merlin than she was, but Arthur just felt ashamed of himself. He wanted to tell Hunith that he had known where Merlin was just because they shared the closet and he didn't feel at all worth of the trust that was given to him, but he managed to tell Hunith he would go to shower now and walk to his room alright.
To his surprise Merlin was sitting on their couch even if the lights were still off. Arthur turned the lights on, sat next to Merlin and turned their tv on just to create some background noise before he talked. "Gwaine was also worried… your mother had been there." He said mostly to make Merlin feel guilty. Merlin nodded looking ashamed and Arthur immediately regretted his former thoughts. "I told him you are all right…." He tried but Merlin looked even more guilty.
"I shouldn't have disappeared like that… " Merlin said softly. It wasn't exactly a tone that seemed sad or pained, but it pulled Arthur's heartstrings in the way only Merlin could. He gently placed his hands on Merlin's cheeks and guided him to look his eyes. "I didn't mean it like that… It's not like you really disappeared… I'm happy that you are somewhere safe rather than sitting alone in some park or something. Just sent me a text or something next time. I can tell everyone that you are with me…" He said as gently as he could.
Merlin sighed and shook his head a bit sadly, but then he leaned closer and let his forehead rest on Arthur's shoulder. Arthur wrapped his arms loosely around Merlin's shoulders. Merlin felt warm and when he turned his head so his nose nuzzled Arthur's neck, he melted and hugged Merlin stronger. Gwaine's words echoed in his mind but right now, it was enough that Merlin was next to him like this. They sat like that for a while and Arthur only realised how desperately he had needed to be close to Merlin when he sighed again and slowly first straightened his back and then stood up.
"I'll go to talk with mother now." Merlin said with a quiet but determined tone. Arthur could just watch him walk out of the room. He listened Merlin's footsteps for a while, but when he heard Hunith's surprised tone, Arthur decided to take the shower he had planned on taking. He felt a bit unsure of how Hunith would react to his lie and he didn't want to hear her reaction through a door, but when he was standing under a pleasantly cool shower, Arthur couldn't think of anything else than how much he admired Merlin. He was always full of surprises. He reacted to many things in a way Arthur couldn't even comprehend, but always there was this strength and courage and intelligence behind Merlin's actions and Arthur both envied it and loved it. He really did respect Merlin and he would do them both a favour if he remembered it more often.
Merlin had been officially fed up with himself today. It hadn't much helped that is was sunday and his morning walk had been ruined by at least hundred dog walkers and children alongside their parents who had gathered in the park. If he could, he would have told his mother that he wasn't going to school tomorrow just so he could go to the park in the middle of the day to enjoy the emptiness of the space and be alone in the open. But he couldn't. Not because he thought that his mother would tell him no, but that he was afraid that his mother wouldn't tell him no. If he let himself slip, it would be too easy to start skipping school regularly and he couldn't have that.
When his mother had left to do some shopping done and Merlin had managed to convince Arthur that he really would be fine alone, he had expected to be happy in the quiet house, but even that had not been enough, so Merlin had found himself from the closet again.
The time somehow lost its meaning for Merlin in there. He dug a can of tonic water from its hiding place and sipped the warm, bitter liquid in small sips while he tried to arrange what he had been so irritated of himself today. Most of it was nothing new, but there was this need to do something. Just about anything. He had taken some steps forward and he had been less and less tired lately, but the new energy he had gradually stored inside of him had no direction and he just wished people around him would demand more from him so he could start using the energy while not actually making any decisions about on what he should use it.
That brought him back to why he was so fed up with himself. Why was he so incapable of just taking a hold of himself and stopping this nonsense? He wanted others to do so much for him all the time and what did he himself do? He wanted so much just go out and say that ok, now I'll start to live normal life, but still he was sitting here, in a dark corner sipping lukewarm liquid from a can. It felt like he was actually keeping himself in the past deliberately, but today, this corner was the first place where he could breath.
After an hour or maybe two Merlin heard his mother open the door of their room, but he thought nothing of it. The door closed soon after and Merlin took another sip. He was happy that he had found a place nobody actually looked him from. The other place he could have gone was Gaius' garden, but it was already too cold for that and Merlin didn't feel like freezing his toes off now that it was not necessary.
Merlin inspected lazily the can in his hand. When Gwaine had told Merlin that he saw Hunith's point, Merlin had gotten so irritated that it had been a wonder how he had managed to not lash out on Gwaine too. Gwaine had seen it of course and he had seemed conflicted and uneasy. For a while Merlin had been quite sure that he could make Gwaine change his mind, but when Gwaine had told him that he was sorry that he had let it go this far, Merlin had immediately dropped that plan. He didn't want to make Gwaine feel that he had caused Merlin to get addicted to alcohol because he really hadn't. Merlin had been just fine without alcohol for weeks and he just wanted something for the taste, really.
He had told this all to Gwaine who had looked at him seriously. "I know, that you are much smarter than I was at your age, so what you say you need, I will get it to you." He had finally said and Merlin had known there was just one way to go with this kind of trust. "Do you have anything that's non-alcoholic?" He had asked with a sigh and when Gwaine had beamed at him, Merlin had managed to forget even why he came in the first place. While he felt just a bit manipulated by Gwaine, he knew he would be at least a bit proud of himself in the future and he recognised that moment as one of those he would have regretted tomorrow if he had done any differently.
They had sampled about every soda and the only non-alcoholic cider and beer Gwaine had in store. Most of the sodas were too sweet and Merlin really didn't like the non-alcoholic beer, it tasted like someone had made a juice from barley. He had told all that to Gwaine who had finally gone to take some tonic water from his own fridge. That had tasted horrible, but a lot closer to what Merlin had wanted and for him, Gwaine had ordered tonic water in cans to his store. Now that he was used to the taste, it served its purpose. It actually tasted quite good when Gwaine poured some cold tonic water for him with ice and a slice of lemon, but still even if Merlin knew he could store his stash to the fridge, he had still hidden it like he had used to. It felt stupid that the familiarity of times he would rather erase brought him comfort, but he guessed that even if it was stupid, he could hide few cans of soda if it made him relax.
He was almost ready to get out of his hiding place when Arthur opened the closet door. Merlin froze for he didn't want Arthur to ask what he was doing, but when Arthur talked, he lost his ability to speak for entirely different reason. That Arthur had obviously known that Merlin hid himself into their closet didn't even matter compared to the sinking feeling that he had made his mother worry. Of course his mother didn't know where he was, he had wanted it that way! And he had even shut the light! And his cellphone… oh God it was on the table and it was on silent mode…
Arthur left before Merlin could say or do anything and he let his head fall into his knees. Oh just splendid, what was it when one got beyond being fed up with oneself? This was just ridiculous. Arthur had given him an hour to collect himself and he had given Merlin an opportunity to keep his hiding place a secret at least from his mother, but enough was enough. Right now was his chance to tell himself that this kind of behaviour wouldn't do. Even if his mother and especially Arthur left him off the hook with things that Merlin knew they shouldn't have, he had now crossed the border where he wouldn't stand himself anymore.
Merlin drank the rest of his soda down with one gulp and grimaced, it had lost all of its bubbles a long time ago and was closer to the temperature of his hand than the room. 'God that was hideous' he thought and exited the closet. He looked at the dark room and walked slowly to their window. He saw his mother spacing if front of their house and it was just so sad. Merlin sat down on their couch and he felt empty. He had caused this and so much more worry and distress. It was just… he really hadn't meant to do that.
He could have gone to his mother right then, but Merlin knew he would have to answer to the question of where he had been as soon as his mother saw him and for that, Merlin needed to prepare himself. The question was of course, could he give up the place he could use for relaxing, for breathing freely and for an escape. Just thinking of losing that made Merlin's breathing quicken.
In the end he gave himself time until Arthur would return. He would have until then to decide. When Arthur came back, Merlin was not much closer of knowing what he was going to do or say and going downstairs felt scary and too soon, just too soon.
Arthur's words made Merlin feel every ounce of his own guild mixed with fear that everyone could see how despicable human being he was. Why or how his mother and Arthur and Gwaine and so many others didn't see all the things he was at once was a mystery to him, but when he felt Arthur hold onto him with the same desperation he was leaning onto Arthur, he knew that he still had time to do the right thing. If he continued on being selfish all the time, he would for sure lose everything in the end. Even himself, but he still had time and he was ready now.
When Merlin walked down the stairs, his mother saw him immediately. She had been standing by the front door obviously unable to make herself lose the sight of the road that was supposed to take Merlin home. It almost seemed like a compromise already that she was still not waiting outside.
"Merlin? I don't understand..." Her tone was confused and somewhat hurt and Merlin felt a sudden pity towards his mother. She and Arthur, they both had placed him before themselves and now Merlin understood what that truly meant. They both had been hurt for a long time too and now when Merlin could just concentrate on himself, they had put mostly everything on hold just to be there for him if he needed them at any second of any day for anything. When was it that he had seen his mother go to have some time for herself in months? Hadn't this day been the first time Arthur had actually left to see his friends while Merlin was home? The friends Merlin still refused to spend time with outside of school and football while Arthur had made a habit of putting up with Vivian every other lunch.
It turned out there had not been anything to think about. When Merlin had managed to get them seated on their living room couch, he just explained it all to his mother. He told her how he had not realised that he should call her if he didn't leave the house, how he had somehow expected that his mother knew if he had left or not much in the same way she had also seemed to know everything when he had been little.
He told her how it felt stupid and that he had created himself a setting in their new home that was hundred times safer than the closet in Uther's house had ever been. "I don't know if I do it because it feels familiar or not… am I really that simple?" He asked at one point and Hunith, who had lost the sharpest edge of her worry smiled at him a bit "Even if it is simple, it doesn't make your feelings any less important, remember that."
It had been very important to hear his mother say things like that and Merlin found some more confidence to share details when his mother paid him all the attention and interest in the world. He told her about the tonic water too and he even confessed that he had planned on buying beer again. He could almost say it proudly now, that he didn't in the end and that it had been his own choice.
Still, it felt like there was this something Merlin couldn't make disappear. That something was like a dark cloud behind his mother's thoughts and Merlin couldn't feel satisfied with this conversation until that something was gone and they could have a moment where they both were relaxed and content for once.
He tried to assure his mother that he wouldn't hide again, even in their own home. He tried to include her on making up a new way he could be alone if he wanted to but still be on plain sight. He tried to make her laugh, but while his mother responded, the tension was still there.
It was only when Merlin tried to joke on how hard it had been to get Arthur out of the house and leave him alone that his mother seemed to withdraw towards that dark cloud and said hesitantly "Maybe it would be better if you weren't here alone..." that Merlin understood.
This was a topic Merlin had felt a couple of times that maybe they should talk about, but it had felt too embarrassing and too much like like there was a risk of making her mother or Arthur worried of something they might not had even thought before, but now it was obvious that at least Hunith had.
"Mom… There is no problem of leaving me here alone." He said with a gentle tone. He needed his mother to understand this. "But..." Hunith started looking unsure of what to say, like she didn't want to disturb her son or make him upset. "I won't hurt myself." it was easy to interrupt his mother and Hunith closed her mouth immediately. The dark cloud was now in front of them.
"I know I have in the past, but it was… " Merlin had to think fast and carefully of how he was going to phrase this, he needed to make his mother see it how he had seen it for a long time now. "pointless, it was pointless. There was a time when I thought it helped and I did think once that maybe I should just die."
Hunith's hands started to shake and Merlin took a hold of them firmly. His words felt heavy like the cloud had turned to a mist of lead all of a sudden, but it had been needed to be said. Merlin couldn't let his mother to guess anymore.
"But even then, I didn't want to… in the end I didn't even try. And I certainly have no reason to want that now. Please, trust me on this. I will not hurt myself anymore. I promise." Merlin saw hesitation and fear and while he said the words, they didn't seem to be enough. His mother would need to learn with time that she could trust on what Merlin was trying to tell her now. Much like Merlin had needed to see somethings that had been told to him by the people he trusted the most too. He felt the scars on his thigh burn and he had never been this ashamed of them.
"If you don't want me to be alone, it's alright… but I need to have time for myself when I know nobody will interrupt me." Merlin said still gently but firmly. He really meant it. When no-one had known he was in the closet, he knew there would be no interruptions or nothing unpredictable and if he had to single something out he needed the most, then that was it.
Hunith looked at him seriously and then nodded many times. She couldn't keep it in anymore and she broke down. She hugged Merlin to hide the ugly face where every muscle of her face tried to strengthen every line and wrinkle of worry, sadness, hurt and fear she had formed over the years. She had lived through her parents death, her love's death and poverty, but she knew that she would not live if she lost Merlin too.
"Mom… It's alright, I'm safe now, we are safe now." Merlin whispered sounding much like the five years old boy who had clinged to her and asked 'but we have each other, right?' and Hunith cried on. "But you quitted the therapy..." she sobbed and she herself felt like the young girl who had sobbed against Balinor's shoulder that she was afraid to be alone.
Her son, her life hugged her close and just then Hunith felt how much stronger her son had grown to be, how much better he had eaten, how he had gained weight and exercised and how soon she could not call him her boy anymore. Merlin was growing up to be the man Hunith had always known he would grow.
"I know I'm not alright yet, but I am safe. I promise." Merlin told her softly and there was no promise Hunith would have wished more would hold when time went on.
"I love you, my child, I love you so much." Hunith breathed against Merlin's shoulder and she felt Merlin nod. "I love you too… I guess I can say you are the woman of my life..." Merlin said with a bit playful tone and Hunith chuckled through her sobbing. How had she been blessed with such a wonderful son she would never know.
When they had managed to calm down, Hunith had made them a light evening snack. Arthur had looked tired and quite nervous. Even when Hunith had just thanked him from the bottom of her heart how Arthur had been there for Merlin, he looked quite uncomfortable.
Neither of them really had much energy to anything for this night, so they soon retired to their rooms. Only Merlin had energy to be worried of Arthur, he didn't seem fine. He looked tired and far too worried, but there was not much Merlin could do besides to get him to sleep now.
"Do you want to read a bit? I want to know where the murder weapon was hidden..." Arthur said suddenly bending to get 'The complete Sherlock Holmes' from their book shelve. They had been reading that one after Arthur had come to a conclusion that he would have at least something to talk to Vivian if he educated himself a bit on her favourite theme.
"Um, sure… I'll just change." Merlin told not really interested in reading at the moment, but unable to say no to Arthur even if he seemed too tired to read too. When the closet door closed behind him, Merlin realised how tired Arthur had been and still gone out to 'look for Merlin'. It was unreal how much Arthur kept doing for him and why did he want to read now? Because he thought Merlin would want to? Hopefully not because Merlin just wanted to sleep Arthur's arm under his pillow at the moment.
But if Arthur did want to read, he would, but wasn't there anything else he could do? Uther's 'make me happy now' again echoed inside of his head and Merlin attempted on hitting his head lightly on the edge of one of the shelves to get rid of that thought, but managed on hitting a corner instead.
He crumbled under his breath when the side of his head collided with the sharp corner. Of all the stupid… was this counted as self harm? Better not be for he had no desire of going back to the conversation he had had with his mother so soon…
The sharp pain reduced quickly and there was no blood and nothing like that so Merlin just glared at the corner that was not lined up with the rest of the corners. But seriously, was there anything he could do for Arthur? He himself would have liked a kiss pretty much in every situation, but thinking of kissing Arthur felt more of a reward to himself and so did any kind of cuddling and touching, so he dismissed those feeling a bit sad.
Just when Merlin had given up on having anything to give to Arthur and had reached for his pyjama, his eyes laid on the black satin pyjama Arthur had bought to him. He hadn't worn it yet. Gwen had told him it was 'sexy and sensual', but Merlin couldn't see himself as sexy at all and what in the world was 'sensual'anyway? So wearing that had felt just ridiculous, but Arthur had asked why he hadn't at least twice so…
Merlin reached for the satin pyjama, but his hand stopped just centimeters before he could reach it. He almost felt a wave of thoughts nearing his consciousness. He took a deep breath and took the pyjama before he could over think it. It was just a pyjama and Arthur had bought it himself so it was not like he had any right to complain in any way if Merlin wore it.
So that was it. Merlin stacked his clothes neatly for tomorrow, he could use at least his jeans again, and put on the pyjama. The satin felt cold and a bit weird against his skin, but he would not second guess anything so he just walked out of the closet while deciding not to seem like he had even noticed which of his pyjamas he had chosen.
Arthur was sitting on their couch, reading already. Merlin scoffed lightly to ask Arthur 'if you can read alone, where did you need me for' with a joke included. Arthur just rolled his eyes at the book, but Merlin understood 'what fun would be in that?'. He just now realised they did this a lot. Some warmth spread inside of him at that thought and the satin didn't feel cold anymore.
Merlin sat next to Arthur and bought his legs up to the couch. Arthur just then glanced at him and Merlin blushed a bit when Arthur's gaze dropped to his pyjama. He saw Arthur's concentration sift from he book to his body and Arthur's mouth fall slightly open before he seemingly collected himself with effort and focused on the book again. "It seems that there's more to this story than just the murder weapon, but you have already read this, so we can just continue from here?" Arthur asked and Merlin made a sound of agreement, but he as sure as hell was not interested at the book now.
What had it been about today that had opened his eyes like this? He had seen similar expressions on Arthur's face before, but just now he felt he could trust on what he saw. It wasn't about reading, if Arthur had wanted to read this book because he had a mission to get Vivian off his case, Arthur would have sat down and read the damn book. He was like that, a mission was a mission and he would complete it as fast and effectively as possible, not wait for days so they could read it together. So what was his purpose here? Arthur was obviously tired and the way he had looked at Merlin… and the book now. It had been much like what Merlin felt every time he saw Arthur without shirt on and the way he looked at the book was way too intense to be sincere.
Merlin was too tired to take chances, but he took one nonetheless. He reached for Arthur's neck and guided him gently to rest his head on his lap. Arthur let him do that without a blink and Merlin just hoped his lap felt even half as good as Arthur's did.
Arthur kept looking at the book, but his eyes weren't moving so Merlin assumed he was fine as he was. He let his hand stroke Arthur's hair slowly and when he saw Arthur closed his eyes, Merlin just smiled fondly. He hadn't been wrong then and seeing that Arthur enjoyed the closeness so much made him feel high on happiness.
"You know I'm not after you know… anything really..." Arthur muttered and let the book fall close. "I mean I never really got interested in anyone before so it's not like I can't wait." He continued still keeping his eyes closed.
"But you want me?" Merlin asked feeling he knew the answer now, but also fearing that Arthur would tell him either that he wanted Merlin right now or that he would never want him that way. But when Arthur nodded against his thigh, Merlin felt so good that he wondered if he really was afraid to give himself completely to Arthur even if he asked for it immediately.
"I do… It's not that I have even kissed anybody else, but I just know it's only you… just, I don't want you to feel that I would do anything you don't want..." Arthur opened his eyes and looked straight into Merlin's and sounded just so serious. Merlin loved how serious Arthur could be and he admired his focus, but he also wanted to somehow make him see that there was no need to be this serious with him.
"I know." He said and smiled before he bend down to kiss Arthur's nose. It earned him a wrinkled nose and a face that was too happy to be a grimace before Arthur yawned. He really was tired and he had a long week in front of him. So did Merlin, but it didn't feel like much at the moment.
It took just a minute stroking Arthur's hair to see Arthur's eyes fall close again and soon the weight of Arthur's head grew. He was falling asleep. It didn't matter much and Merlin continued stroking the most beloved hair knowing full well that he would have to wake Arthur up if he wanted to sleep tonight.
"I love you, you know? There is nothing I wouldn't give to you..." He said softly knowing that Arthur wouldn't hear him, but feeling the meaning of his own words strong and clear. Now what he would give to the love he had, would be to stay strong and be himself. After that he could feel he was himself, he would kiss Arthur with all he was and then… he would hope that Arthur wanted more of him. He was not sure how much he would have to give for so much had been taken already, but what he got, would be Arthur's. All of it.
A/N Hi! I need a clone of myself.
About this chapter, I had it written and proofread and I was just going through it one last time before updating and then I tought: '...no.' and deleted the whole thing. And started again from a scratch. This part was a tricky one to write. Not only because everyone reacts so differently to this kind of trauma and my mind kept providing me more and more scenarios to go with, but because I want to get over with it. I could go on and on about dilemmas and everyday problems and traumas and angst and... you get the idea, but I wanted to keep the way Merlin was in the show. He really was mentaly strong and stabile and intelligent because with some well placed words from his friends he kept himself together and happy. I hope I was able to write this chapter to your satisfaction, I have to admit that I'm a bit tired and so maybe I didn't manage as well as I would have wanted.
Again, thank you so much you incredible people who reviewed! I seriously value your comments and somehow I feel that I'm getting to know some of you during this story :) Thank you for the happiness you bring to me during my somewhat hectic life.
Greedy Reader Great that you like the nothing really happens way of writing that I tend to lean into, I kind of don't like much when everytihing is made very dramatic... You are very much right, Merlin is testing his new boundaries and it's a very good thing he feels safe enough now to do that. With Uther he always just asumed Uther wouldn't like well, anything really and the fear made him very much obedient even when a rule wasn't really set... Merlin is in a very fragile state right now mentaly and his mind could be quided to many direction at the moment. He really is fortunate to have such good friends who will be good influence and will not try to manipulate him. Hmm... I had not thought of including Aithusa... I'll think about it. I re-whatched the episode you mentioned, I remembered the man, but not the name... I'm bad with names :P
+ Good thing that didn't happen! It hurts when a platefull of possibly hot food drops on you! But I can imagine that would come into mind, Thanks for telling me your story :) I enjoy strories :)
Skypeoplephoenix732 Thank you :) I wanted to do that part from Arthur's point of view because well, we all know what Merlin was going through... he was not well and anxious and nervous and stressed and a bit angsty on the side... not that interesting and I think we all could imagine what he was thinking just by knowing what he was doing, so Arthur was more interesting one to give a voice to :) The best of luck for your audition!
mersan123 Thank you :) Yes, the healing has started and Merlin is mentaly strong, so he is now done moping too :) Nice to hear you liked the pj shopping and Hunith and the start of the school, I'm enjoying myself now more that I have things like these to write :) Thanks again to you, I really enjoy yuor reviews!
Angel Dove1 Oh no! A summer cold! They do stink! But so nice that you loved the chapter :) Ah, it's so liberating to write these kind of scenes after all this time. At least in my country they never publish victims names to protect their privacy, but I guess Uther could have used some influence and money through Aredian and his company too would have tried to cover as much as possible to save the compani from bad publisity too... but anyway we can be happy that Merlin didn't have to leave through that :) I think he would have changed school then... and Arthur too. I might have to include Lance more... I don't have many scenes he is in even if he is a part of Merlin's life. Glad you liked the pyjamas, so true that he doesn't need them as reminders! And again thanks for telling me your favourite part, nice that you liked that one because I added it as an impulse in the last minute :D Thank you also for your kind words, this week has been nearly the death of me. I think things will get a bit more stabile when my work load reduces a bit (hopefully, I'm not very good at saying no to offered shifts...) Next chapter is also in dare need of rewriting, but I hope I can get it out faster than this one. Have a nice week too and until next time!
thejammysod ch 37 Hi! Welcome back :) so nice of you to review everything, thank you so much! Ah, I'm happy that I managed to make Aredian an ass he is while not going overboard with him and making him unrealsticly vilain-ly. It is horrible how in this world there are lawyers who try and do get predators and other criminals out of trouble by twisting the words of the victims and such. Great that you liked Finna's little touch, I kind of imagined myself sitting in that blue armchair the whole time I was writing that chapter. It felt weirdly surreal, like how is this situation happening while everyone are seated in these comfortable, soft michmatched armchairs... Merlin is a nervous wreck in that chapter and well, cars... not so good feelings. Uther's car was basically the only car Merlin has been alone and Percy's size can really be intimidating. (Elyan's car and Lance's car he always had Arthur with him and some random neighbours giving a ride to him and his mother in their home village don't really count) But yep, Percy is so calm and he works with people so it did good to Merlin :) Yes, we are getting to the cute scenes more regularly :3 Arthur really does need closure, I'll also change now to your next review for I want to know what you thought of the next chapter!
ch38 Oh Arthur, it really is as you said, he has no idea of what to do with his feelings at the moment, but Merlin was there to help a bit :) But still Arthur has a long way to go to understand relationships more for his family life has been... lacking and mentaly abusive for such a long time. Great that you liked Susan and Aida too! And the muffins :D They were almost a character in my head at this point... Maybe I should learn to bake muffins too... Thanks for telling me a line that madeyou laugh, I really like when people do that :)
ch39 Yep, Gaius made a mistake with starting with that line. It is now kind of forgotten, but well, the theme will be mentioned later. Keep your ees open for it ;) Otherwise Gaius really did a great job. While guessing something was this wrong with someone he has seen once a week for couple of hours for few months is not that easy and there was all this being in love wih step-brother business to give explanation for quite a many things, but Gaius really is close to Merlin and now that he knows what really ahppened, he can read Merlin quite well :) The court really did show the full asholeness of Uther and Aredian. Doing a crime is another thing, but using power and money to kepp denying it and bublicly blame Merlin of them... Uther to protect himself and safe face and Aredian simply for money. Disturbing. Great that you liked Arthur's part thought :)
ch40 Morgana, Morgana. She is kind of season four in this chapter :P But we will see her again :) I assure that it's going to be interesting ;) Yes... Merlin still has a long way to go and he is still kind of asuming the worst in every situation possible. Arthur too... we know that he did very well, he was a proper gentleman and he really only thought Merlin and his well being, but he too is very hard on himself :( People react so differently on the drinking. It's so interesting! I myself don't like underage drinking, at least if it's just a child of 13... but a glass of wine at the age of seventeen is... well... I sometimes have to comment on something like tghat in my work, and I can't just say 'Is this really an issue? Can't we all just go home and take a glass of wine and relax?'
ch41 Continuing from that thought, yep, Hunith indeed wanted to adress the whole issue and she stayed up late thinking of her game plan. She also gave herself some time to calm down before talking to the boys. Setting rules to Merlin is very important rigt now, he needs them and he needs boundaries. What has happened is not an excuse to do things that are not right and especially in his situation he will benefit from learning again how to obey a parent is not a bad thing... It really is a part of the healing. I'm sorry to hear that about your brother, I quess it explains why you are so protective over him, you really seem very compasionate and nice person :) You are so right, Arthur really needs to learn to depend on others too, but he needs time... we will get to that in the next chapter ;) Yep, Cedric is a type of person who likes to step on others in order to climp up the social ladder... he would definitely use what he could against Merlin... but we will see and for now what has happened is very much a secret. The city is big and at least in my country names in cases like this are never revealed in order to proect the victims. The football tram really likes Merlin (who wouldn't?) and It's great that you liked them and Gwen too :) Also the pyjamas... we will hear about that satin one later, promise! ;)
Kao You are one mean cookie! Oh, people can be so mean and the comment you suggested, was not that farfetched at all nor the reaction Arthur might have to it, but of finding out what has happened, not so easy. I have left the city nameless on purpose, but I have been imagining it to be about the same size as maybe London or something like that. At least here in those kind of cases there are no names mentioned or even city. Of course some parents know Uther and they will get to know that he is in prison and some of them might even tell their kids, but to connect it with the news is not so easy and how many teenagers even read newspapers? Arthur is also something like a school hero for his succes in footbal and the fact that he was able to lead older kids than he himself was and is, so not many would buly him. Merlin is another story, but connecting a crime to him is a bit far fetched. I too felt that Gwen was made a bit too two dimensional in the laterseasons, so I wanted to keep every personal trait she had in the former onces. I guess that I left her in the state where she didn't have to go throught her father's death or the drama between herself, Arthur and Lancelot. Glad that you liked the merlthur, the rest of the sory ill have a lot more of it that the begining of the story (obviously...) I too would wish that Lance would get back to be their coach, but that rarely happens. There are other parets who also complained when Uther made them aware of the situation. :( And besides, why would Lance want to come back when he has a stabile job now and he can keep them all as his friends? He is happy now, if you want, I can write a bit more about him for I have barely nothing at the moment. I'm still open for suggestions ;)
Insanereviewer :D You are in the borderline of getting cut off all the time, so copy-pasteing is a good stradegy ;) So nice to hear that I don't have to update as often... it calms me. I will update, that is not a question here, so now that there are people telling me it's alright to take more time, I feel confident again :) I'll continue with my original chapter-plan and I will update at least once a week :) That mock trial seriously sounds like so much fun, I wish I had something like that... Alright, one person wants me to write the epilogue, I'll remember that :) I think I'll write it even if you were the only reader for that :) Ah, the legends... I have read many of those. Originaly Mordred was son of Arthur and Morgana and while that is interesting, I'm not willing to go there. But, now that you wished for an epilogue, Mordred wil be mentioned even if I'm going to ignore that part of Arthurian legend (and the tv-series too). No worries, Morgana will appear later and she will interact with Merlin. They have both gone through the same abuse, but their reactions are very different, as you said. ...I try so much not to lecture... but well, if you were not bored of offended, then I guess it was alright... :P Vegetarians and vegans are very ... I want to say knowledgeble of their diet. Lacto-ovo vegetarian includes milk and eggs in their diet and a vegetarian might include things that are not exactly meat, like gelatin, in their diet. There are also lacto-ovo-pesco vegetarians who also eat fish. There are many words and many type of vegetarians... I'm lost most of the time so I tend to ask people how they want to eat if they are close enough for me to care. Interesting topic, but at times a bit hard if someone refuses to eat too many things. Ah, Hunith to saty firm... That was not an easy thing to do, but a very right one! That Merin is testing his boundaries with his mother tells us that he feels safe enough to do that. Lets be happy for that :) Gwaine was scarred for life, that much I can tell you ;) There is a lot that Arthur has to be reminded of, he has himself been mentally abused for years... I might have added that purples tiped giraffe commen because you liked it in the court chapter :P Ah, I have deliberately avoided of naming any cities or places in this story, but think the city they live in about the same size than London for example. And add to that how many teenagers actually read newspapers... The lazy coach is not based on anyone, but if you find a character that fits the bill, it can be arranged :) Yes, lets hate the Cretin for what he has done. Even with this... shall I say ideal support group around Merlin, it will take a lot of time to heal. Yay! Favourite line! I love those :) Makes me feel like I have a sense of humour :D Great that you liked Gwen and their friendship, I think it's very sad that some people make such an issue of sexuality and by God did Merlin deserve to hear that his closest friend in this town is on his side. Trust, yes, I second everything ou said. Trust is such a beautiful thing and it makes relationships open and honest and just right. I think that was very nice in the show also, how Arthur grew to trust Merlin even if his behaviour at times was... interesting. There were many moments where Merlin stole keys and read confidental documents and such stuff and even if Arthur saw something was off, he never adressed it, not really and he kept trusting on Merlin. Even as the only person he could really trust. It was so nice and I wanted to bring that trust in my story too :) Merlin refused to be that gay, there is a difference. I'm not very womanly woman, but at times I find myself from situations where I could squell to fluffy things like a little girl and I refuse, absolutely refuse to do that if it's not just the closest people to me around. :P This is really just inside my head, but I kind of wanted to show how Merlin also has these kind of moments and with time he will get more comfortable of his sexual identity and of showing those kind of moments to Arthur, who is, of course, very much the closest, most loved person in his life. I'll keep in mind that I can take my time and I'll keep on writing insanely long chapters, thank you for your support and these insanely long reviews! I hope to see you again :)
Guest Chacha Gwaine sure got a lecture he will not forget easily... That Merlin is testing his boundaries actually is a sign that he feels safe enough in his relationship with his mother that he can do that. Both of our boys will get a wider social circle they have needed for years now, I hope it's enjoyable to read :) Thank you so much for your compliment, I really feel at times that I want to start to explain everything in detail and when I manage to supres that, I feel that maybe I didn't expres some of the characteristics well enough... Oh! i have totaly forgotten Lance interacting with Elyan and Gwen's father... I have to add something of that to somewhere... Just for fun, he and Gwen are not really my focuse, but I have notes of their story :P (I have made a lot of notes for this story...) Ah, normal is such many things, the immediate danger is over, but Merlin will never be the same person he was before Uther nor will Arthur be the one he was before he found out what his father had done. Normal is something they have to create form a scratch and live, but it might take some time. Writers dying would explain how many unfinished stories there are in ff, but no worries, I'm not intending on dying :D I have found writing as something fun and it's kind of a habbit now, so I hope it will continuein the future too and I manage to write stories that interest at least some. I actually have another story in line for I got a reguest, but I'll advertice it when this story is finished ;) I'm not sure if I want to say that one can play a child when they have already grown up, but we all grow up to be different kind of adults. Even as we grow we won't lose our ability to play or have fun and we can ourselves deside to nurture those features in ourself. For me, it has become more controlled, but I still find simple joys of eating chocolate cake as breakfast and painting little hearts in my nails (just to name two I did resently). People talk, they do little else, but find what you think is important and do your best for it and then... relax. I have myself found many times when I have thought I should act, do or be something, but in the end, the most important people just want to see me relaxed and happy and just myself. As for the world needing psy, well, we especially need those who are comfortable and stable with themselves, so I wish you well in both, becoming a psy and being happy as who you are :)
Guest What a lovely thing to hear, thank you so much! Hectic is really the word I have been looking for...