On friday morning Arthur managed to wake up when Merlin did and he even dragged himself downstairs, but he wished that Hunith would tell him that he still shouldn't go to school. His fever was gone and mostly it was just his nose that was blocked, but apparently he had breathed through his mouth during the night because his throat felt sore again.
That, however wasn't much of a reason for him to stay home, but just getting up from the bed had felt like a task to be completed and he was exhausted when he sat on a chair in their kitchen. It was a weird feeling, his heart was beating way too fast and even if he hadn't even eaten breakfast, in his mind he was already trying to catch up in math and explaining why he hadn't read the last chapters of a book they had been supposed to read for yesterday and trying to make up a warm up for his team. All that simultaneously and he didn't even register that Merlin was making them all breakfast before there was a plate full of pancakes in front of him and Merlin stood next to him wearing an apron and holding a spatula.
"Do you want some tea?" He asked and Arthur nodded trying to decide if Merlin wearing apron was cute or funny or maybe just normal and if he should comment on it or not. Had Merlin wore an apron before? He did cook once a week, but right now Arthur couldn't remember if he had ever seen Merlin wearing an apron before.
"Eat and then get back to bed. Mother will be with you until I get home." Merlin said before Arthur could really decide and he felt relief wash over him. He really had no desire to go to school and when Hunith didn't react at all, like she had known Arthur wouldn't go to school all along, Arthur relaxed and started to eat. He was suddenly hungry.
He went back to sleep after Merlin had left and he woke up for lunch, it seemed his internal clock was wired to school's rhythm and was holding on it very stubbornly. Hunith had made him tomato soup and Arthur was glad of that. He had told Hunith it was easier to eat soup even if it wasn't the reason why Arthur liked the soup so much. While he ate, he wondered if Merlin would make him soup one day when he was sick…
That thought distracted Arthur for a while from the nagging thought that he should do some school work now that he had nothing to do, but he couldn't be bothered really and even thinking of opening his chemistry book made him feel sleepy again. He knew he should have felt anxious for the piling school work, but Hunith kept telling him to rest and do something he enjoyed and that helped a bit. "The school can wait for couple of days." She had said and Arthur tried to believe it really was alright.
Still, Hunith had given him a new topic to think at. What did he enjoy doing with his free time? Football yes, but he was still technically sick and he did that mostly everyday anyway, so no… running, the same thing. Spending time with Merlin and his friends, but they were all in school. Reading? No, that was Merlin… Watching a movie? yes, but he could do that only so much and even if it was nice to spend some time with Hunith, he ran out of topics to talk eventually and even if she was a lot, if not easier, then maybe a kinder opponent in scrabble than Merlin, it still wasn't Arthur's favourite game. What did he like to do on his free time?
In the end he slept some more and hoped it would be five o'clock when he woke up and Merlin would come home soon.
Merlin had been sure that as soon as Arthur had beaten his fever, he would grow restless and try to jump into action again with a stubborn claim that he was not sick anymore. Merlin had prepared himself to tell Arthur that he needed a day without fever home and that he shouldn't play football or go to run before he was really healthy again. He had made a tactic where he would gang up with his mother if he couldn't convince Arthur to rest by himself and he had prepared at least hundred comebacks to basically any protest Arthur could make up, but it had turned out none of that was needed.
Friday morning Arthur looked like he had no will to move himself anywhere else than towards their bed and he looked just relieved when Merlin told him to stay at home, so Merlin went to school, made his notes as detailed as possible of every subject including football. Like he had done yesterday and the day before that. He also encouraged Elyan who had taken the responsibility of organising the practises while Arthur was sick. He was doing good job, Merlin had no doubt about it and the team tried its best not to complain on anything even if it was apparent at times that Elyan didn't have much experience on leading. He was excellent in defence and he was one of Arthur's key players, but he had trouble noticing everything as whole and the fact that he tried to do everything the same way Arthur did… well, it was challenging.
Merlin got home over twenty minutes later than he normally would. He had stayed with Elyan for a while trying to convince him Arthur too thought he was doing good job (which wasn't actually true because Arthur had barely listened when Merlin had told him what was going on at school yesterday) and even after that he had needed to answer to half of the team if Arthur would be back by monday. Honestly, he had no idea and every disappointed face Merlin saw when he told that, made him feel like he was failing on something, so lets say he was glad to leave the school for the weekend.
On his way Merlin called his mother that she could go, that he was just a bit late and so when he got home, Hunith was just leaving. Arthur was fast asleep in their bed, his blanket covering him from waist down and wearing the same t-shirt he had wore for breakfast. Merlin sighed at the scene. It was good and all that Arthur was resting, but something in this felt wrong for Merlin. It wasn't that Arthur was sick anymore and he hadn't been that sick to begin with, so Merlin didn't think it was too farfetched to fear that this, whatever it was, could form to be a habit. Merlin hoped it wouldn't. He really didn't like to see Arthur this disinterested in everything he normally held in high priority and besides he wasn't used on seeing Arthur tired like this. It made him nervous.
He tried to concentrate on his homework for a while, but somehow Merlin found himself first turning so he was facing Arthur and then lying next to him on their bed. The position felt natural and relaxing and Arthur's steady breathing was enough to make Merlin feel that it was time to go to sleep himself, but because he was wide awake, the proximity started to make him quite distracted pretty soon.
Merlin sighed this time to himself. This was not the first time and he had known it would have been wise to stay by the desk or even downstairs, but from where could he get the willpower for that? Had this been the first time this happened, Merlin would have probably fled, as he had when few weeks ago he had been sitting next to Arthur while they read and Arthur had leaned his head to Merlin's neck and kissed it, but it was not, so Merlin just turned to lie on his stomach.
Merlin had gotten so very distracted then. He had blushed and he had felt hot, but as his pyjama pants had started to feel too tight, he had really felt a bite of fear. It had been the fact that Arthur hadn't noticed anything and had just turned a page and continued reading that had kept Merlin from making a scene. Still he had announced very stiffly that he was thirsty and exited the room as fast as possible. He had paced in their kitchen until the most shameful reaction he could think of was not evident anymore. Even after that he had poured himself a glass of tonic water and sat in their garden until he was sure his toes would fall off. He had taken a jacket, but not shoes. Normally sitting outside made him relaxed, but that time just on thought had invaded his thoughts. He had gotten hard on just being close to Arthur.
When he had seen Arthur's somewhat sad expression and heard him ask if he was cold because he had been outside such a long time, Merlin had decided that he had overreacted. But soon enough it had become clear that had not been an isolated case. Just when he had gotten more sure of himself and his mother had started to be more cheerful, why did the universe have to throw out of control bodily reactions to the mix? Why, really, why?!
Soon it had not been just Arthur. Well, most of the time it was Arthur, but at times it could be just putting on pants or even shower hitting him the right way. That was extremely embarrassing. When Vivian of all people had twirled around showing off her new jeans and Merlin had had the most fleeting thought of how Arthur would look in tight jeans and that had caused a hard on in the middle of their school's cafeteria, Merlin had decided there was something wrong with him.
Calling to the therapist he had visited before had seemed like a logical thing to, but in the end he had called Freya. He had called the petite woman who had been gentle with him when it had mattered the most, about having erections at the most inconvenient times. He had no idea what he had been thinking when he left school early on his mother's permission to visit Freya's actual working place.
The small private clinic Freya worked was not far away from the police station and it was easy enough to find. The building was old and nicely decorated on front, but inside it was not so fabulous. Freya had a small room for patients and it was apparent that the space had been reserved for servants when the building had been used by rich families. She had made an effort to make it feel at least a bit welcoming and Merlin found he liked the way Freya had hung pictures of a lake and a meadow full of flowers next to her desk. They should have been the same than any decorative art, but for some reason they felt more personal than that and made Merlin think of his home village.
Freya's question of why he had wanted to see her however brought Merlin back to the present and he felt like he should struggle, but the words came out surprisingly easily. He had told Freya how bothered he was about his body acting on its own and how often he had erection and how long they lasted and all Freya needed to do was to ask. This wasn't the first time Merlin felt he had a connection to this woman and he pushed every thought that could make him anxious to the back of his mind. He tried to trust that he didn't need to be awkward with Freya.
What Freya had told him that day had been almost as liberating as the time she had told him that he didn't have any STD. Or when she had told him that there was nothing wrong with him even if he reacted to her touch. She told him how it was very normal for a teenage boy to get an erection at the slightest of stimulus. How having one didn't necessarily need any sexual context or contact, how it was normal to have multiple erections during a day for a healthy teenage boy and how it was also normal to have erection when he woke up. It was normal for men to have a cycle of erections during the night and how it had nothing to do with sexual stimulus.
That had been a huge relief for Merlin and he had told as much to Freya who had told him it was much more uncommon to not have morning erections or wet dreams or spontaneous erection compared on having them daily basis. With every mention of erection Merlin knew he should have felt more disturbed or embarrassed, but he just went with 'That too is normal? I have had that recently! Tell me more of the things that are normal, please.' It was weird how Freya could be so calm and so professional and so personal at the same time and Merlin appreciated every word he heard.
When Merlin walked out from the building Freya's working space was located, he felt like sending some flowers to her. They had come to a conclusion that actually Merlin had gotten a case of impotens during the time he had been abused and now that he was not under an enormous stress all the time, he had overcome that issue. Hearing that Merlin had started to feel that having an erection was actually a good thing for being impotent had a nasty ring to it. He hoped he could spend some more time with Freya one day and it wouldn't have to circle around his penis in any way.
Had Merlin told any of this to Arthur? No way in the universe. That he was getting more comfortable with his morning wood and that he could think it through rationally that sometimes his jeans rubbed him to erection, had nothing to do with the part of his brain that told him to hide every sign of lust from the rest of the world. Even the times he clearly felt himself getting hard of the thought of Arthur, Merlin refused to masturbate. Even when he knew he would not be disturbed. Like in shower or when he was alone (which was not very often). There was this feeling that connected that act to something bad happening and even if Merlin knew he would not be raped even if he touched himself, the fear stuck and when he had attempted on stomping the fear one evening he was having a bath, the emotional struggle had well, made the act unnecessary. He had not tried again.
Merlin glanced at the alarm clock that was on his night stand. It was over six o'clock and it was time to go and heat up the food his mother had made for them. When Merlin turned to face Arthur again, he had his eyes lazily open. Maybe turning around had woken him up?
"Hi." Merlin said and tried not to smile too much. "Hi…" Arthur replied still sounding sleepy. His voice was a bit hoarse. Like he hadn't used it for the whole day. Maybe he hadn't. "How are you feeling?" Merlin asked hoping to hear that Arthur was better. "Tired." Arthur just said and reached for Merlin who blushed when Arthur wrapped his arm lazily around his waist. Merlin fought the urge to press himself further against the mattress, Arthur's arm wasn't exactly helping his 'condition'.
"Um, do you want to know how the practices went?" He asked when Arthur closed his eyes again. "Later." Arthur said, but his face and his tone didn't sound like he had any desire to hear it later either. The feeling that there really was something wrong here was back and it was even stronger than before.
It wasn't that Arthur wasn't allowed to have a break or rest, it was a good thing that he was resting, Merlin tried to tell himself while he watched Arthur fall asleep again, but it didn't ease the feeling. It just felt too much that Arthur would regret this later. Not just because of the piling schoolwork or something like that, but because he had missed a week. Because he hadn't been involved with the team and he had no idea what was going on. Merlin knew he forgot nuances even if he had detailed notes and besides, to Arthur hearing wouldn't be the same. But was this enough reason to get this worried? Was he just overreacting and trying to justify that by telling himself that Arthur would feel the same after he would return to school?
Merlin wanted to talk about this to someone who knew Arthur or at least him well, but Gwaine would only be free on sunday and then Arthur would be there. Gwen was kind of an option so maybe he could talk with her when they went to swim tomorrow?
Funnily enough, just half an hour after this thought, Gwen called and asked if Lance could come to swim with them.
A/N Hello! I am back! I had a noro-virus and I got home from hospital bit over a week ago. I'm very much screwed with my university. I lost about six kilos of my weight and I am tired and feel nauseous half of the time.
But this cap in my updates was getting ridiculous, so I decided to publish what I have right now. This is not even half of the planned chapter, which is almost ready, but in need of proof reading. I will puplist at least a part of the rest during saturday and I hope that I manage to write it all down, but in the worst case scenario this chapter will com in three parts.
Your wait has been long and I am very sorro about that. I would promise to again update every three days, but I have exams coming in two weeks and I have to get a lot of work done before that for my university. I'm sorry.
Thank you for your reviews, I read them all again when I was able to look at a screen long enough without getting a head ache and I really felt happy. That was very nice moment for me because I have quite stressful situation at my hands in almost everything at the moment. So again, thank you. I can only wish yo awesome people have been patient with me :)
thejammysod 'Classc Gwaine' I'm so going to use that term! :D It's so nice to hear you laughed at my joke, it makes me feel like I have a sense of humour :P Yep, this and the last chapters are kind of dedicated to healing and their communication should get better even if they stil have a long way to go. I'm being vague, but we all know I have an obsession about happy ending so... ;) I promise mentions of footballers in this chapter (part 2 or 3, depens if I get it all ready so there would be only 2 parts...) And i have made a scetch for a chapter with a lot of footballers in it just for you ;) I'm so thrilled you like my little side characters, I kind of like that bunch and they are fun to write :) Thanks for pointing out the typo, I corrected it when I saw your comment. I again have no beta and those kind of mistakes are hard for me to spot... especially with that long chapters. I can tell you I proof read these at least three times for a reason... Anyway, hope you will like this chapter too :) See you again!
Angel Dove1 Oh! So much love! Wow! And your favourite, wow x2! Well, you are not objective because it had so much Arthur in it but still :P You have a great advise, I'll try to take it as soon as I get my school together and work a bit more to get what I lost while I was sick and write this story and... Alright, I'm hopeless... I really enjoyed writing that oart with Hunith and Arthur, so great you liked it :) Also that Merlin is able to help Arthur too, that makes their relationship more balanced, I think. And Gwaine, my favourite, I just love writing him in any situation :D I left it out, but Merlin told his mother in the morning when Hunith had confirmed that Arthur was sick, that he wanted to take care of Arthur and his mother thought it would do them good if Merlin would take charge. She would be there of course while Merlin was at school and make the food and you know, be there, but she let Merlin play the nurse ;) And then to one of my favourite topics. What Uther has done to Merlin... well we all know that is horrible and yes it is, but the mental abuse Arthur has gone through is showing and will leave similar marks that Merlin has in his soul. Missing out on parental love and acceptance is not trivial thing and we have to thank Morgana and Melin for Arthur is not a lot worse than he is. With that scene, I wanted to convey how what we see is the chicken soup, but what it means... That really is a sad story and Uther should be in prison for that too. Your last paragraph was trully awesome too! Such kind words and have I mentioned I love when you list your favourite parts or lines? I have, I know :P From existing to living... well said. That is what this chapter (in it's whole) is about too, so I hope you enjoy the rest also :)
Kao I love boring things, so if you like boring things, then there is two of us ;) The part you mentioned, where Arthur suddenly saw what was better in his life, I tried to write that thought many times, but it seems this is where the language is too much for me. It was kind of meant that Arthur had known all along that he could now do things he had been graving for when he had been younger, he has heard Hunith and he doesn't think she is lying to him when she sais he can go to have fun with friends or that it's alright if his report card is not perfect, but the way he has been raised and all this stuff going on, he hasn't really been able to trust those things complitely. He has not dared to really try living differently and when Hunith was not angry like he was sure she would be (like his father would have bee no doupt) Arthur realised that Hunith had actually given him premission, that she really care for him and she really thought him important so even if he had denied it in a subconscious level, Arthur had already been living a very different life. I'm not sure if this explains it at all, but anyway, I think that the most important thing for me is that you pointed me a part that was clumsy, now I can try to better myself :) At the same time you took the effort of telling me all the things you liked, so I was feeling a bit happy with myself in the end :P As you surely noticed, this chapter is basically a transision from the previous situation where merthus was dissapointingly scare, to the more merthur filled stage of life ;) I hope you will enjoy this and the rest of (thecnically) this chapter when I get it ready!
Skypeoplephoenix732 Your comment was so much fun to read... Yep, breakfast is a serious business and sandwiches are a form of art so no messing with sandwiches! And they have to be clockwise, other way around it would be stupid. Great you liked the Arthur / Hunith moment, I really enjoyed writing that one :) Also thank you for your explanation, it was very informative, we so are not learning that in school here...
mersan123 Hi! You can say that again, Arthur was really doing too much and well, he is still mentaly living what he has been raised to be. We saw it very well when Arthur didn't understand why Huniths would stay for him. As you said, it is truly sad. Awesome you liked the way Hunith handled Arthur, I have been waiting to write a scene of their relationship :) And Gwaine, he is one of my favourites too and he really cares for the boys! Merlin is really getting better and in this chapter we see him get support from a wider circle of friends and that is also very telling, he's not so afraid of opening up to the world anymore. I hope to get the rest of the chapter ready soon, I hope you will enjoy it too :)
Greedy Reader It's also nice to write replies to you all, I really like these small 'conversations' :) Yep, Arthur was bound to lose control at some point and I really wanted to write how new this kind of life is for Arthur and how hard it is to find a role in this new life. And you are right, Arthur's only childhood relative that was present was Morgana and they did take care of each others and so there will always be a place in his heart that yearns to be filled with Morgana's present again. At least they are in speaking terms again and we will hear at least a bit more about that in the future ;) I like your analycis, it's so nice to see how I have been able to write this story so you can get so much out of it and I'm so very happy that you think of the same things I do. That means that I have been able to convey what I think even in english :) Please continue telling me about your thoughts! You spoke so nicely about Hunith, it was lovely to read. Yes, she is not as adaptive as Merlin and Arthur, she is older and she has lived through a lot in her life so it's very understantable. Also she makes very dificult decisions all the time, what we don't really see that well, but if she decides to call Merlin on his lying at a wrong time, it could do more harm than good just to name one. Every time she talks with either of them, it would be so very easy to say something that made one of them feel bad and that would damage their relationship or worse (as we remembered what her decisions helped to maintain in the past...). That she has said and done so many right things during these last months, is realy an awesome thing. I take the luck you wished for me and use it all so I can get the rest of this chapter out during the next weekend, thank you for your awesome comment :)
bubzchoc Thank you :)
Guest Now I'm here again! Thank you so much for your kind words, you made my day :)