Arthur didn't sleep well. After his fever had broken, he had slept poorer and poorer every night and the naps he had taken during the days certainly hadn't helped. Arthur felt uncomfortably hot most of the night and he couldn't seem to get comfortable. Merlin slept happily curled to his side and Arthur enjoyed the closeness very much, but it was making him even more hot.
Arthur's night however wasn't that bad tonight because whenever he woke up, his mind returned to his and Merlin's evening and that made him smile like a simpleton every time. It now seemed he had again been too careful with Merlin. It all seemed now too easy. Of course Merlin could tell him if he went too far. Of course Arthur needed to also show Merlin how desirable he was to Arthur, not just tell that all the time and then do nothing. Besides Arthur could tell quite well when Merlin felt uncomfortable. It seemed now that he had just tried to avoid seeing Merlin get uncomfortable to the extent Merlin had gotten worried of his feelings. Arthur would have regretted that if the wasn't so excited and happy of the outcome of the evening. It felt incredible how Merlin had enjoyed himself and how he had pressed himself against his body and how Arthur had felt his boyfriend hard against his hip.
Oh how many times Arthur had gotten a hard on when Merlin had been close to him, basically every night, but how much he had tried, he had never seen Merlin get one and that he had never caught Merlin looking at him anywhere near his crotch had made him feel insecure in a very peculiar way. He had lost that feeling however when he had come to a conclusion that to Merlin an erected penis could be a symbol of pain and his abuse, so Arthur had learned to hide his arousal by acting like it didn't exist, by using clothes that hid it well and by wearing pyjama pants and keeping the blanket (that plotted against Arthur and planned on suffocating him) always at least up to his hips. But today, Merlin had enjoyed himself like that and he had even held Arthur by his hip, surely Merlin had seen his arousal through just thin pyjama pants? And still Merlin had enjoyed himself, that was what made Arthur feel almost high on happiness.
During the night Arthur had time to think how he could slowly test Merlin's boundaries and what he wanted to try and do that he was fairly sure Merlin could enjoy too. That way his night didn't feel too long even if he estimated that he barely slept half of it, but in the morning Arthur felt tired and soft and too warm and even if the breakfast Merlin made looked delicious, he wasn't really hungry.
During the day Arthur also started to worry once again about his grades, his team, how he would need to go to school tomorrow… Surely being sick wasn't an excuse anymore, he hadn't been sick since Thursday, and he didn't feel anything that would have prevented him from going, but somehow it all seemed pointless and at the same time too taxing. He also didn't feel like seeing any of his teammates right now. Arthur wasn't sure anymore why he was doing anything and at the same time he felt a need to present a decent report card to Hunith who had been so kind to him in everything, and to Merlin too. Arthur had such a smart and brave boyfriend and he was so proud of him… he wanted that Merlin would be able to be proud of him too and right now Arthur didn't feel like someone who could make anyone proud.
When Merlin started to work on the last assignment he needed to complete before Christmas, Arthur couldn't watch so he closed his eyes. The lost sleep took care of the rest and Arthur fell asleep in seconds. When Merlin woke him up by gently caressing side of his face, Arthur had slept two hours. He wouldn't sleep well the next night either and even if hugging Merlin close and breathing in his scent distracted Arthur from the looming monday, it was short lived.
During dinner Arthur still didn't have appetite and when they left to visit Gwaine, the autumn cold wind felt harsh against his skin. He had been inside far too long, but before Arthur could make connection between this stale feeling and the fact that he normally went out and exercised every day, they had covered the relatively short distance between their and Gwaine's home.
It was nice to visit Gwaine. He had made Arthur and Merlin warm wine and snacks and he was funny and loud as always. Merlin and Gwaine really got along and it was great fun even just listening to them, but Arthur couldn't get himself to the right mood. He wasn't exactly brooding, but he felt that he was too quiet and he really didn't have anything to say. Seeing Merlin enjoy himself was however very enjoyable for Arthur and if asked, he would have said he had good time. Arthur wished that Merlin could act like this with his friends too. Funny, open, relaxed, smiling and witty, it would be great if Merlin could enjoy himself like this more often and there really wasn't anything wrong with his teammates.
The night ended far too soon and when they left, it could have very well been Arthur who was the most reluctant to leave. On their way, the closeness of monday really started to stress Arthur. By the time they reached home, he felt that there was no way he would go to school tomorrow so he waited until Merlin retired to their room to take a shower and then Arthur talked with Hunith.
He asked if he could stay at home just one more day. He told her he hadn't slept well. Hunith looked at him in a way that told Arthur that she didn't quite believe in Arthur's reasoning, like she knew something even Arthur didn't, but she agreed. She told Arthur it would be the best to rest as long as he needed, but at the same time she told that it would be very important that Arthur told her what was the reason of his need to rest, for he wasn't sick anymore, if he decided he needed more time than this week to recover.
Arthur promised gladly feeling relieved that Hunith hadn't asked for a reason right now, but at the same time he felt this week to be an absolute deadline for him. He wouldn't tell Hunith that he needed more than two weeks of rest because he didn't feel motivated and the school felt like a lot of work. His pride wouldn't let him.
When Merlin returned downstairs Arthur thanked Hunith ending their conversation and told her he would also go and take a shower. He didn't look Merlin in the eyes when he passed him.
When Arthur was finished with his shower, Merlin was there, sitting on their bed and looking… worried? Or maybe determined? Arthur wasn't sure, but the moment he sat next to Merlin, he spoke immediately. "You are not coming to school tomorrow." It wasn't a question so Merlin must have talked with Hunith. Arthur wasn't sure what to think of that so he just nodded shortly.
"No… I'm not sure, maybe I'll come on tuesday." He said, but it was a lie and Arthur knew it as soon as he had said it out loud. He had no will to go to school. "So… what are you going to do tomorrow?" Merlin asked and looked much more serious than Arthur thought the question sounded. He had no idea, honestly. He knew he was supposed to catch up with his school work, but even thinking that felt impossibly tiring. He looked at a spot on their floor and tried to think if there was something he could answer without feeling even more embarrassed, but Merlin beat him to it.
"Arthur… you have to start to do something again." His tone was soft and kind, but firm. Arthur wanted to nod and ask Merlin what he should do for just now Merlin seemed like he knew better. Like he had more experience on whatever this was and maybe he did. Thinking that made Arthur sad, but he didn't know what to do to that or how to ask Merlin to help him and with what so he tried to mumble at least some sort of excuse for himself "Hunith said it's alright to rest for a while…" It sounded weak even in his own ears. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to rest anymore. There were too many emotions connected to everything and they mingled together making Arthur confused and frustrated.
Merlin shook his head and sighed. This was getting nowhere. The way Arthur talked was so weak and so not like Arthur he knew, that it almost scared Merlin. Arthur had been so amazing last night and he had eventually had fun at Gwaine's, but right now it seemed that even if he could momentarily forget what was troubling him, the problem was still there and they would need to talk about it. For otherwise it would be too easy to fall to this depressed state of mind. Merlin knew how that felt all too well and he didn't want Arthur to get familiar with it.
"I don't think you need to rest anymore, at least not like this that you sleep half a day and then poorly at night. You need to get out of this house and get something real to do." Merlin tried to find words for what he thought, he didn't think he was succeeding too well right now.
Arthur frowned "I would seem so…" and Merlin immediately knew he had thought that with 'something real' Merlin had meant school and football and suddenly he had words.
"I don't mean for me or for mother or for anyone else either, but for you. You need something real to do because that's who you are." Merlin said hoping that Arthur would understand, but the look Arthur gave him made his heart ache. Arthur looked confused and the look seemed to ask 'For me? Me? Why would I do something for myself?' That kindled a surprisingly strong hate towards Uther Pendragon in Merlin's heart.
On his own behalf, Merlin was mostly bitter and scared of Uther. On his behalf he needed to learn again things he had learned when he had been living with just his mother, but Arthur, he had never learned how it feels to be loved not for what he has archived, but because he was Arthur. He had never learned to ask for help or talk about his feelings when he was vulnerable or even when he wasn't feeling well. He had learned to meet expectation, even when they were impossibly high and right now, Arthur couldn't meet the expectations he thought the world had placed for him and that was keeping him down.
Merlin had to take a deep breath before he could talk without letting all of that into his voice. "Yes, for yourself. Tell me one thing that you really want to do. Not because you think you have to, but because you want to." Arthur looked at him still confused and his forehead was wrinkled. He looked lost. "I don't know… I'm not sure anymore, I- I don't know." He said sounding almost frantic. Admitting that must have not been easy for Arthur, but it wasn't easy to hear for Merlin either. He hugged Arthur almost painfully tight and he felt Arthur's hurt mix with the anger he felt towards the man that had taken so much from them both. This wasn't fair. Arthur had done so much for so little and he- this wasn't fair.
"I think you do." Merlin said slowly to Arthur's neck when he could force his voice to be steady. For a while it seemed that Arthur wouldn't answer. He had let his forehead fall to Merlin's shoulder and he hadn't even bought his arms up to return Merlin's hug, but then Merlin heard a small "football. I have always liked it." and Merlin smiled. "I know." he said softly and loosened his death grip a bit. He brought his hand to caress Arthur's hair softly hoping it would make Arthur feel even slightly better. "Remember, you told me once. You told me that you wanted to be the captain for your team, because they were important to you. Not because of your father."
Arthur flinched visibly. This was the first time either of them had mentioned Uther after the trial and that Merlin had referred him as Arthur's father… Arthur was past the need to hiss and snarl that he had no father, but it still felt like something inside of him had just formed a knot and was now trying to exit his body through his throat. To anyone else he would have told that this conversation was over, that he didn't want to hear anything about that man, but it seemed that Merlin was special even in this. He didn't want to get angry even to defend his pride, he wanted to let Merlin help him even if so many feelings tried to make him annoyed and frustrated and he wasn't used to this kind of things.
Arthur felt Merlin's long fingers caress his scalp and the knot slowly dissolved and left him feeling bare and empty, but now he could think a bit more clearly. Like somehow his head had been swollen with all the feelings he had had and now that they had left him, he could see his thoughts underneath all that confusion. Why he hadn't felt like reading what had been going on with his team even if Merlin had stacked it all neatly to their desk… the answer started to form in his mind.
"But he still told me to continue even after Morgana quit and he told me to be the best and he told me to become a captain as soon as it was possible. So what am I but what I was told to be?" Arthur hadn't wanted to sound this desperate, but feeling Merlin not just physically, but mentally wrapping him to something that Arthur wouldn't have known a name for had Merlin not called him 'Love'. That was obviously what it was.
"Love, you are you and that you were told to be the best didn't make you the best, it was all you and I remember how you thought it out yourself, it was your decision to try and become the best captain this team could possibly have and seriously, had I been told to do the same, however hard I would have tired I would never have excelled like you do and I can tell you I would have hated every second of it." Merlin's voice was much steadier than it had been a while ago and Arthur found he could see what Merlin meant. That was true, wasn't it? There were things that he had done all his life, but he had never enjoyed and now he could very honestly say he despised them, but some things… yes, his father had approved them, but what about that? Arthur had played for himself and because he liked it. It had been next to impossible to get his father to even see his games when he had been little and at some point, it hadn't even mattered anymore. Arthur could now remember the feeling he had had when he had seen the first professional game in a big stadium and how he had yelled and shouted with Morgana and how they had played their favourite parts for weeks in their garden.
"I remember how Morgana came home one day and she wanted to teach me how to play football. It was the best game ever and I begged my father to let me try to get into a children's team that practiced during summer two times a week until he gave in. I think I was five… Morgana started with me because there was no age or gender limits. I don't remember much anything else of that summer but how much fun I had while I ran and kicked a neon yellow ball. There was this older kid who told me that I was good and well, you remember how a seven years old was the highest authority when we were five?" At some point of his story Arthur had leaned a bit back and started to gesture with his hands while Merlin's arms rested loosely on his shoulders. They were both smiling.
Merlin didn't say anything of how now Arthur had his answer or how he should return to school then, because they both knew. Only when they were lying under their covers and Arthur, who was wide awake was caressing the side of Merlin's face absentmindedly Merlin asked if Arthur was coming to school tomorrow to which Arthur answered "No, I'll come on tuesday." and it wasn't a lie anymore.
When Merlin returned from school on monday, late again because about everyone in the team had wanted to ask and then later make sure that Arthur was really coming to school tomorrow, the first thing he noticed were Arthur's running shoes next to their front door. When he entered their room, Arthur was sitting next to their desk, Merlin's notes sprawled across the surface.
"You went to run." Merlin stated and Arthur replied without looking up from the notes "Hello to you too Love, nice to see you and yes, just sitting around made me tired." Merlin smiled at Arthur's back, this was so much better and now Merlin could also relax. During the day when he hadn't been able to see Arthur, he had started to feel anxious. What if he had made a serious mistake here? Lance and even his mother had told him they suspected a burnout, so what if he had pushed Arthur to come back to school too soon? What if he had made the matters worse by far because even if Merlin couldn't say he knew exactly how burnouts worked, he was fairly sure that returning to the stressing environment too soon wasn't recommendable.
"You have anything you need to do today?" Arthur interrupted Merlin's thoughts. "No, why?" He answered immediately. There was a document he had been waiting to see in one hour, but it didn't matter if Arthur had other ideas. "Then you are coming with me to buy me a new blanket. The one you chose is trying to boil me on daily bases." Arthur said sounding a bit bossy in a way that would normally earned a title 'prat' from Merlin, but not today. "Sure, I'll just change something less used while cleaning a storage room."
Merlin was already on his way to their closet when Arthur called for him "Merlin! I- would you like to eat something afterwards?" his voice sounded a lot less sure and maybe even a bit… shy? Could Merlin think Arthur as shy? Even a little bit? That was a bit hard.
"Like a date?" He asked and now he could see Arthur's cheeks turn pink and run his fingers through his hair in a nervous manner. "If you'd like?" He said now definitely shyly and Merlin had a serious urge to go and squeeze Arthur, but he just grinned and replied "very much" before shutting himself to their closet suddenly with much more pressure on what to wear than a minute ago.
Tuesday morning Arthur felt weirdly calm and actually pretty happy of going back to school. He didn't exactly look forward of double chemistry or music, but he had some new, or maybe old enthusiasm for football and somehow it felt like he wasn't even going to the same school he had not wanted to return. Arthur kind of thought that maybe it was embarrassing how much drama he had managed to create on his own, but at the same time now, it felt it had been needed. And none other than Hunith and Merlin wouldn't even need to know about that, right?
"Or maybe you could just listen during chemistry, I can do all the experiments and you can have my notes, so…" Merlin had again started to ramble next to him and Arthur rolled his eyes. The whole morning Merlin had been going back and forth of how great it was that Arthur was coming back to school to maybe it would be the best if Arthur took it easy, he could even just come to football at first, couldn't he mom? to how walking to school was so nice, how Arthur needed fresh air and now to this. "… and maybe if you didn't need to coach today, Elyan could-"
"Merlin, I swear if you change your mind one more time, I'll make you our goal keeper of the month. Now shut up and tell me what you want me to do when the situation rises." Arthur knew he was practically giving Merlin a permission to boss him around the whole day, but when Merlin snapped his mouth shut, it was well worth it. It still took most of the day for Merlin to relax and even then he followed Arthur like a hawk. Even when Arthur sat in the table a variety of footballers sat every day. Arthur wasn't sure if he was more surprised or Vivian more offended by that.
It turned out to be one of the best schooldays Arthur had ever had. The way mostly everyone from his team came to welcome him back with a hit on his back or cheerful chatter of what he had missed made Arthur really happy. It was very nice to see this way he had friends even if he had never been able to spend as much time with them as he would have liked to. It seemed that the feeling was mutual at moments like these.
When he finally entered the still empty gym, Arthur was in high spirits even if he was only half sure what he would do with his team today. He had completely forgotten what he had said to Merlin in the morning until his personal hawk came from the direction of the locker rooms dragging Elyan, who looked highly uncomfortable, by his sleeve.
"You are going to play today, Elyan just volunteered to coach the rest of the week." Merlin said and Elyan looked like he had volunteered as much as he usually volunteered to clean his room when Gwen 'suggested' him to do so. Arthur gave him a pointed, but amused look and Elyan just hung his head. It was one thing that his little sister could make him do things, but now her best friend too…
"Alright, now that this is settled, I'm going to take attendance." Merlin said overly cheerful and disappeared to the direction of the coach's office. Arthur and Elyan shared a look and then they both laughed. This was a good day, Arthur decided before he fell into a familiar trance of just jogging and stretching and doing pushups as someone across the gym yelled at him to. He wouldn't tell it to Merlin of course, but this idea had been pure genius.
Elyan did a good job with leading and after Arthur told him so, he seemed to get more confidence and that did wonders. By the end of the week they had agreed that Elyan could be officially the vice-captain and he would substitute Arthur whenever he was sick and lead warm ups every monday and thursday.
It didn't even take a week for Merlin to realise how much Arthur enjoyed, one could even say needed, the times when Elyan was in charge of warm ups. Even if Arthur seemed like normal in school, at home he needed reassurance that he was still doing fine and it was evident that Arthur needed a break from being a leader. Maybe the Christmas holiday would help and Arthur would again fully enjoy being the captain, but right now it seemed to Merlin that bullying Elyan to do some of Arthur's work had been the best idea he had had during the whole year.
It was probably because Merlin had thought about how he could give Arthur something similar in other areas of life, that when he heard Jordan tell Pellinor how he had seen Pellinor's older brother in jiujitsu, a light bulb went on above Merlin's head. "Jordan!" He almost tripped to his own feet when he spun around and Jordan looked him weirdly, but Merlin didn't mind. "You take martial arts lessons?"
Jordan looked a bit surprised, Merlin normally didn't start a conversation like this, but then he smiled proudly "Yeah, jiujitsu, green belt." Merlin nodded seriously even if he had no idea if green belt was good or not. "When do you have practices?" He asked and Jordan answered immediately "Wednesdays and saturdays, before competitions also sundays, why?"
"Could you take someone to see your practices? On saturday for example?" Merlin asked and suddenly Jordan got really excited. He told Merlin how of course he could and how they had beginners course starting again in january and how when he got a blue belt he would help out with the beginners too and how Merlin should definitely come and see how awesome and cool the best sport in the world was. There was also some rambling of why jiujitsu was better than karate or judo too, but that Merlin didn't listen much, but he especially liked how Jordan described the strict etiquette and how precisely the moves had to be performed.
"And Pellinor's brother was there why?" he asked and he hoped he knew the answer. "Well, we also have courses for police officers and guards, so…" Jordan answered sounding proud. "Good." Merlin just answered. "Will you take Arthur with you next saturday? If he runs any more than he does, the park nearby will have its own canyon soon…" This of course wasn't the reason, but Merlin felt he needed to say something resembling a reason after he had started this conversation so abruptly.
"Sure! You can come too if you'd like?" Jordan looked like the Christmas lights their music teacher had hung around her classroom's windows a month early. Merlin made a face at him, he would so not go even near a place that had potentially people in it who would try to make him start a contact sport. Even if he wasn't gay and he wouldn't freak out with half of the stuff he could imagine was done in martial arts lessons, his childhood gym teacher back in the village had made sure that anything even resembling wrestling made Merlin's skin crawl.
"No thank you, but at what time I can throw Arthur out of the house?" Jordan looked a bit sorry that Merlin had been so blunt, but he soon got really excited of the tough of Arthur coming with him. It turned out that Jordan had asked Arthur to come and try jiujitsu few times before, but he had always said no. "Yeah he's busy, but I always suspected his father didn't understand hobbies and-" Jordan stopped in the middle when he noticed Merlin's face. He looked uneasy for a while and Merlin realised that everyone here knew better than to mention Uther to Arthur. At least in Jordan's mind that would from now on apply for Merlin too.
"So, I'll tell Arthur and I think he could drive you while he's at it. You can talk about it with Arthur tomorrow maybe." Merlin broke the silence and Jordan cheered up. It was nice, how he had been able to talk like this with Jordan. He kind of liked him and well, they did spend a lot of time working for the same goal basically.
An idea struck Merlin right then and when Jordan was about to hit the showers, Merlin blurted out "Oh, would you like to come to my birthday party at New Year's Eve? Um, Lance is coming too…" When it was out if his mouth, Merlin felt awkward, but Jordan broke to a happy grin and replied right away that he would be there and thanks and were all the others invited also?
"I suppose…?" Merlin said suddenly very unsure of how he would explain this to his mother, but the way Jordan waved at him happily from the door of the locker rooms, Merlin started to think that maybe this would be a good idea.
That thought lasted until Merlin stepped to the locker rooms to wait for Arthur (after he had arranged all his papers in place slowly enough so everyone was out of the showers and at least half dressed) and Oliver almost jumped in front of Merlin's face and asked loudly when this birthday party they were all invited would start. The look Arthur gave Merlin told him that if in something, in this Merlin would be on his own.
Hunith was confused, pleased and horrified that Merlin had invited a football team worth of teenagers in their house, but when Merlin told how about one third couldn't come because they had family traditions or vacations or trips to visit grandparents, she could focus on just being pleased.
"You are going to help me to clean, right?" She asked and Merlin nodded looking relieved. "And you are going to help me to cook?" She continued feeling amused now. "Of course, I think I could get Gwen to help out too." Merlin said and Hunith smiled at his son. Arthur had sat on one of the kitchen chairs and he looked like he was watching his favourite show on tv and maybe just a little bit like he was learning how these kind of situations would work in his new life.
"And I think you will want me out of your hair, so we should limit the party to downstairs so I can retire to my room for the most part." Hunith continued partly because she would have done that anyway and partly so Arthur could see right now that she trusted them as hosts.
As Hunith had predicted, Arthur looked now surprised and Hunith made a mental note to ask Arthur if he wanted to have a party when he turns eighteen next summer. "Definitely. Can I invite Gwaine and Percy too?" Merlin asked and it seemed he had noticed the same and wanted to make it known that this was the normal way with his mother. In a way it was, Merlin's birthday parties hadn't been that big when he had been a child, but it wasn't like Hunith had been breathing on their neck and definitely not telling Merlin who to invite or make schedules like Arthur's birthday had been. If Merlin had found Arthur's fifteenth birthday ridiculous then, now it felt repulsive.
Getting Arthur to arrange time to go and pick Jordan up and drive them to the gym Jordan trained was like trying to get a plant into a too small pot, but much the same manner, when Arthur had seen what Jordan could do, after he had talked with his sensei and heard how jiujitsu was a perfect martial art for police officers, Arthur was sold and planted. When he came back home babbling about how the beginners class would start in january and how awesome it all had been, Merlin knew he wouldn't see Arthur two nights a week maybe ever again.
"For the record I hate when you are right." Arthur broke Merlin's amused musing and Merlin grinned at him. He knew Arthur appreciated his effort and soon enough he also let Merlin feel it by giving him the hottest kiss Merlin remembered they had ever shared.
Later in the dinner table Hunith made Arthur promise he wouldn't try to do too much and take a break if he started to feel tired, but other than that, she also told Arthur how much she enjoyed seeing him this excited of something. Arthur tried to collect his composure then but Merlin could tell he felt like he had a mother at times like this.
The rest of the school year went by very quickly. Arthur was still stressed of his grades, but he had managed to set realistic goals to his grades with some help from Merlin and just by cheating a 'tiny' bit by asking answers from Merlin, Arthur managed to complete the exercises their english teacher had given him to make up the book Arthur had never read. Doing that, Arthur was in no danger of failing in any subject and after talking with few of the teachers, Arthur had managed to relax. One grade wouldn't affect much to his final grades and on their recommendation Arthur had also checked what he needed to get into police academy and it turned out that chemistry wasn't even listed much less full marks on it.
At times Arthur had trouble of leaving some of the work he was used on doing just slide and at times he did things like lied automatically to Hunith how he was going to study at Elyan's before he caught up with himself, apologised and asked if he could go to play some games at Elyan's. At times he grew annoyed because nothing went as he was used to, but most of the time he felt content in the life he had finally started to feel was his.
The last days of school were more exchanging gifts and making plans with friends and going on about grades none could do anything about anymore, than anything else. Arthur had let his team to Christmas holidays three days before the school ended and he had deliberately left some work he thought they needed to do before spring season to after Christmas and to Merlin it seemed like a good decision. The whole summer and autumn had been very confusing time for their team with Lance leaving, Arthur taking it all to himself, Merlin turning to be the one to ask if someone needed a note to a teacher if they had been needed for the team and Arthur's sick leave… it was better to have some rest now and then start again from a clean table. For all of them.
The first day Merlin had left the school when his classes ended and not three hours later, he had gone straight to visit Gaius. He had missed the old man and they had had great time. From tales from Gaius' university times to planning a perfect Christmas present for Hunith, Merlin was in high spirits even when he had to step outside to weather that had decided that just under zero was the thing of the day, wrapped in a stormy wind and something that almost but not quite resembled snow. Needles to say, when Merlin reached home, he wasn't in the best of moods anymore.
Any other day Merlin would have noticed three unfamiliar pairs of shoes in their entrance, but not today. He was too busy on trying to get all the melting snowy-stuff from his eyes and hair, so he just opened the door of his and Arthur's room stating that the weather was awful and that Arthur better warm him up before he noticed Arthur, Elyan, Bedivere and Lee playing a console game on their couch. Merlin almost died of embarrassment and Arthur's friends looked at him like he was a foreign species.
"Ha! I should thank you Merlin, I'm beating you, Elyan." Arthur continued the game like nothing had happened and the rest of them soon focused on the game again forgetting Merlin in a blink of an eye. Merlin made a mental note to never walk in his room saying something without making sure who was in first. He moved slowly to their working desk willing his legs to hold him until he could sit down. He considered leaving, but escaping would make him seem even more suspicious, so he stayed.
He took a book he didn't need to read out and started to read in order to forget the present. He was pretty good at that even if he tried to avoid doing just that nowadays, but right now he gave himself the permission. He was cold and his hair wet from melting snow, but he couldn't think of getting up and getting a towel or warmer clothes without thinking what had just happened so he stayed put and read how The ending of 'The Tempest' had been Shakespeare's farewell to stage.
"Hey, What's Merlin doing in your room anyway?" Asked one of Arthur's team mates, Bedivere, it seemed. Merlin froze to the question and didn't rise his gaze from the book. he tried to pretend he hadn't heard. Arthur on the other hand didn't even blink "This is his room also. We only have two rooms." To his utter surprise, Merlin wasn't sure if he was more worried of Arthur's straightforward than offended of the way Arthur said 'only two rooms'.
Elyan looked around surprised and finally asked "You only have one bed…" Ok, now Merlin was ready to flee but Arthur remained calm. "So? You don't even have a bed." Their friends laughed at that and Elyan gave them a speech of how his futon was a traditional japanese way of sleeping and was very comfortable once you got used to it thank you very much.
That conversation died down about then and none of Arthur's friends asked again where Merlin slept or why they were sharing a room. At first Merlin was very much relieved, but then the time went on and the life of Shakespeare wasn't needed anymore to hold him together, Merlin started to feel feelings he had not thought about before. Gaius, Gwaine, Gwen, possibly Percy and maybe Finna had guessed that there was something going on with him and Arthur and even it had been unnerving at the time, now Merlin felt he could be pleased that they knew. His mother and Susan also knew, but there were still so many people in Merlin's life who had no idea, who didn't even think it possible that he and Arthur were in love.
That should have been a good thing, but for the first time Merlin felt that he didn't like it this way. That he was so proud of himself for he had Arthur by his side, that his love for Arthur meant so much to him and how much he was in love with Arthur. That was a huge part of his life and he couldn't even tell about it to Elyan who had understood him and given him support when he had heard what had happened to him and much less to for example to Lee who he had made stand straight just yesterday when he had taken a photo of the whole team with Pellinor's camera and seen stark naked ten minutes later when he had entered the locker rooms too early.
Telling something like that about himself scared him in the same level that masturbating did, but mixing Arthur to it wasn't even a possibility, so Merlin didn't even think of telling how things were himself, but still the feeling that it was unfair that they had to hide like this stuck. That the most important thing in his life could destroy it all and how he would never be allowed to be truly open and proud of what he was and with who.
At some point the game ended and somehow Arthur managed to include Merlin to their conversation which Merlin joined first reluctantly, but when it was time for dinner and it was time Arthur's friends left, Merlin realised that he had actually enjoyed their company. It shouldn't have been a surprise, but while Arthur walked his friends to the door, Merlin found himself looking out of the window and thinking if he could still get included in this cheerful, open and maybe a bit dense group.
When Arthur returned, he wrapped his arms around still cold Merlin. "Sorry I couldn't warm you up sooner…" Arthur mumbled to Merlin's neck making Merlin blush "It's alright… I'm sorry I didn't check before who were here…" Merlin muttered feeling utterly stupid but Arthur smiled to his neck "If I had told them we are dating, would you have been alright with it?" Arthur asked, his tone light so Merlin wasn't sure if he was being serious or not so he didn't reply for he himself had too many too serious thoughts scattered around in his head around the theme.
"Lets go to have some supper and after that I'll make you warm." Arthur continued with a suggestive tone after it was obvious that Merlin wouldn't answer. Merlin blushed furiously at that and he didn't feel cold at all anymore, but he managed to mumble something resembling an agreement so they went.
The whole dinner, Merlin kept waiting for it to end. He felt like his blood had warmed up and he couldn't even look at Arthur without blushing at least a bit. He kept eating in a steady pace and his gaze mostly on his plate even while his mother tried to make him tell how Gaius was or something like that. As soon as they had all finished eating, Merlin was ready to get back to their room and close the door, but such was his luck that their doorbell rang before Merlin could make it even halfway to the stairs.
It was Aida. Her family would leave tomorrow to visit her grandparents who lived in Spain for Christmas and New Year and she wanted to see Merlin and Arthur before she 'had to leave'. Until the very second she had to go home to sleep, she told Merlin how long it had taken to pack and which toys she had taken with her. She asked what Merlin wanted to play and she draw Merlin a picture of herself with him and Arthur with a castle and an unicorn. She made Merlin and Arthur promise her they would still live in here when she came back and that they would play again then. Merlin really concentrated then not to squeeze the little darling and tell her how cute she was and how he loved her, but Arthur didn't seem to have these kind of inhibitions.
"Come here you little princess." He said and clomped Aida to his embrace and spun her around twice while Aida giggled. "Now listen, we will not move anywhere and when you get back, we will need your help to build the best snow fortress this town has ever seen, so you better not get too used on the sun and beach while you are there you hear me?" Arthur said with utmost seriousness and Aida laughed and when Susan came to get her, she was still smiling.
"Since when have you been so good with little girls?" Merlin had to ask after they had both hugged Aida goodbye. He had done his everything to get Aida to lose that sad edge she had gotten through everything they had done today.
"I have had a lot of practice with you." Arthur replied grinning cheekily. "Cabbage head..." Merlin muttered under his breath and crossed his arms. Arthur pulled him neared in a very similar fashion he had done to Aida and asked very seriously "Are you maybe feeling sad that I didn't ask you to build the snow fortress before Aida?" and Merlin was about to tell him that he was not beyond hiding Arthur's new blanket and turning their heating to full force when he heard a small sound.
When Merlin turned his head to look, his mother was standing just two paces from them a digi camera in her hand. She looked pleased and Arthur immediately asked to see the photo. Merlin stood frozen to the spot while his brain tried to find a reason why this scene seemed weird. There was something he felt he should remember what didn't feel pleasant, but mostly he was confused. When the word 'photo' stirred his memories to catch up, he however felt even more confused of why he hadn't understood it sooner. But it was a camera, not a cellphone, the shutter sound had been different (obviously since it was an actual camera and not a recorded sound) and well, he wasn't in a compromising position and instead of taunts there were just his mother and Arthur looking at something from the camera's screen and chatting happily.
Hunith glanced at Merlin who snapped out from his trance. "Can I see too?" he asked and Hunith gave the camera to him smiling. It looked just like Merlin had felt it would. Arthur was grinning stupidly and pointing at Merlin while Merlin's eyes looked mostly white because he had been rolling them. Arthur's arm was loosely on Merlin's shoulder and most importantly, Arthur looked happy and Merlin could see a smile tucking his own lips slightly upwards. It was a nice shot and Hunith seemed very pleased with it.
When they drank their evening tea, Merlin felt that all in all, this had been a pretty good day.
It was the last day of school and friday. Tomorrow it would just be a stiff event where they would get their report cards and the principal would make a speech of the past autumn and the spring and of the challenges it would bring with it. Possibly the speech would be the same it had been two years on a row.
Lee had invited everyone in the team to celebrate in his house. His parents were both on a work related trips and his big sister had moved out just this autumn so the house was his to wreck as he told everyone proudly. Merlin had no idea how Arthur had managed to talk him to come to the part when he stood in front of Lee's door looking around and seeing very posh garden, expencive cars (that belonged to those who had already arrived) and the house itself that looked like it could hold even Uther's house inside of it. Twice. How on earth did just three people live in it? How did they even find each others?
Of course Merlin should have expected this, Lee was one of the rare Uther had allowed Arthur to invite to his birthday party and had accepted as an excuse to go out to. And hadn't he lived, well not like this exactly, but quite close just half an year ago? That felt so distant now…
When Lee opened the door for them, he was clearly in the party mood. Merlin was quite sure there was alcohol involved and soon enough he could see buckets full of ice and beer and cider in them. He gave Arthur a very hard look asking 'Where the hell you have taken me?' and even Arthur looked a bit uneasy.
"You want anything to eat? The food is in the basement." Lee asked cheerfully. He didn't offer them drinks which Merlin was grateful of. If he had, Merlin told himself, he would have so left.
The 'basement' was furnitured and decorated with style and money. There was a lounge like area with couches and low tables, a very stylish bar counter that was stacked with food at the moment and a pool. A pool currently full of footballers. It seemed some of them had known it wise to take their swimming wear with them, but others had just gone with their boxers or even naked. It surprised no-one that Oliver was one of the naked ones.
"You don't like this kind of parties?" Lee asked from his left side and Merlin gave him an unimpressed look. He had completely forgotten that Lee was still standing with them. "I have never been in one..." he tried not to hurt Lee's feelings, he was grateful that he had been invited, but he also knew he couldn't keep how out of his element he was from his tone.
"They might be louder, but you know us all, right? None of us will do anything too stupid, not like my sister's friends did. I'm cleaning this all myself tomorrow, so you can count on me to keep them all in line..." Lee said sounding a bit apologetic. Like he thought Merlin would leave right then and that he didn't want that to happen.
"I wouldn't be too sure on that… As you said I have met these people." Merlin mumbled and Lee grinned. "We have some vegan food over here, you are a vegetarian, right?" Lee stated to walk towards one end of the counter and Merlin looked at him feeling uncomfortable. "Umm, I'm not vegetarian anymore..." It felt weird, how he had almost completely forgotten that he had used to be and how it had fet to check if something or other had meat in it and besides, was it more weird that Lee knew he had been vegetarian or that he still didn't know he wasn't one anymore?
"Oh? Well, to bad… Sonja really looked forward on hearing how you liked her cooking..." Lee seemed as surprised as Merlin was and even if Merlin could drag it out from his brain that Sonja was Lee's girlfriends name, he couldn't comprehend why either of them had gone to such lengths to take his diet into consideration. Was someone else from the team vegetarian? Surely not.
"Merlin will be happy to eat vegetarian food, so you can tell Sonja he said thank you." Arthur spoke behind Merlin and leaned his elbow to Merlin's head. He would have told Arthur to learn some manners if Lee hadn't brightened up immediately and started to point Merlin what was made for him. So instead Merlin swatted Arthur's elbow off and gave him a grateful look.
After Merlin had gotten his plate full of roasted eggplant, soy marinated mushrooms and tofu and avocado sushi rolled in sesame seeds, Merlin started to feel like it had been worth it to come after all. After he had seated himself so he couldn't see that pool and Arthur was sitting next to him, he actually became quite engaged of a conversation with Lee, Arthur and Sonja who had joined them. it turned out Lee was very smart and even if he and Sonja had trouble to keep their hands to themselves, it didn't bother Merlin after he got used to it.
He learned that Lee was half vietnamese, from his father's side. He also learned that Lee was actually one of the best students in their school which Merlin would have deemed impossible if Arthur hadn't seemed like that was a common knowledge. Sonja on the other hand didn't seem the sharpest one out there, but she seemed warm and somehow motherly personality even if she was almost two years younger than Lee. She was hyped when Merlin told her that he loved the food, that it was the best vegan food he had ever had. The best part was that Merlin wasn't even lying, he especially loved the mushrooms and soon enough he found himself from discussing recipes with Sonja and how hard it was to find decent vegan food even from restaurants.
"Have you noticed how well Merlin gets along with girls?" Lee asked from Arthur at some point. "Don't even talk to me about it! Yes I can understand Gwen, but there is a seven years old girl living next door from us and the next thing I know she's in our living room drawing unicorns with Merlin! And then there is Vivian… I have no idea how he does that." Arthur had no problem to encourage the topic. Merlin chose not to comment on how Arthur had saved the said picture and put it in their fridge door.
"Yeah, Vivian! That must be the miracle of the year. Merlin, tell me how you put up with her? And how come his dad hasn't challenged you to a duel already?" Lee interrupted Sonja's explanation of difficulties of making vegan desserts. She didn't look too pleased. It was weird having both Arthur and Lee looking at him like they seriously wanted to know. Merlin could kind of see how they had probably spent a lot of time together in one of similar boring adult thingies like Arthur's birthday had been since their childhood, but how come neither of them saw Vivian like he did? Yes she was annoying at times and extremely stubborn and she could be bossy, but…
"She's not that bad you know. Just don't care when she's rude and actually I think she's very true to herself all the time, she can really think for herself. I'm not sure if I have ever met anyone who is so honest of what they think and feel." It was true. Merlin had never really thought about it, but there was a reason why he hung out with Vivian. She would never be his best friend, but once he had learned how she functioned, she was an interesting person who had all the confidence Merlin didn't have of herself and now he felt the need to defent her.
"So basically if she likes you, there is no problem, but if you are the 99% of the humanity, there is no way to make her tolerable?" Lee concluded and Merlin had to laugh at that. He made a mental note to call Vivian someday and ask what she had done to Arthur and Lee to make them both this sure that she was a dragon in disguise.
In the end Merlin had fun. He was pleased to notice that Lee had been right. When some of the extra energy had been lost in the pool, most of the team came to join Merlin and Arthur and they were loud, but they just had simple fun. Some drank a beer or two, but most of them had driven, so they stayed sober and nobody was more than cheerfully drunk. Oliver tried to make Merlin have a beer, but even if Merlin almost considered it, Arthur gave Oliver a look and he dropped the idea.
Still they left early. It seemed Arthur didn't want to try if Merlin would enjoy himself if they stayed late and Merlin had nothing against that. He was happy that he had been able to actually mingle with Arthur's friends, but it was also a bit draining.
"Merlin! Wait a second, I'll give you some food to take home." Lee caught Merlin just before he had found his shoes. The food had been delicious and Merlin bet Lee would be happy to tell Sonja how Merlin had wanted some to go, so he followed Lee to other side of the first floor where their kitchen was.
It was a funny setting. There was an open kitchen to a huge living room and it looked like it was there more as an decorative purpose than anything else, but behind it opened a door to a more practical looking kitchen which actually looked used.
"I used to practically live under that table when I was a kid, out maid used to sneak in some snacks." Lee said and pointed one of the counters that looked like it wasn't used much. He didn't look at Merlin's direction, but searched one of the cabins for a box. "This house… looks dead." Merlin said slowly hoping he had gotten Lee's comment right because he really didn't want to offend him and ruin what he had managed to entablish today.
To his relief, it only took a second before Lee laughed heartily. "You got that right! The moment I finish my school, I'm out of here. My parent will buy me a flat if I get average abow 9.7." he had found a plastic box and he looked at Merlin a bit timidly. It seemed he rarely talked about stuff like this and Merlin suddenly understood Lee much better. The way he appeared lazy and the way Arthur never demanded him to take better posture or pay attention, why he had never mentioned Merlin how rich his family was or how good his grades were, almost like he was ashamed of them.
"You get to decide where you will live?" Merlin asked as nonchalantly as he could. He made a note to himself to never talk about family money to Lee, in his mind he wasn't his family's asset and he would also make it known. Lee smiled at him widely "I will. I'm going to buy a place where I can hear through walls and see traffic just under my window. Maybe one of those cheap ones I will have to repair myself. In down town, it's too quiet in here." Lee explained while he opened some containers full of sushi and mushrooms for Merlin.
"Sounds noisy." Merlin commented knowing that Lee had no idea how to live in that kind of place and Lee laughed again. He really was in good spirits today. "You like more the quiet living, right? You house was nice too you know." Lee answered and gestured Merlin to take as much as he wanted. "Thanks..." Merlin said and the way Lee said it, it really felt nice. Lee had this all and he still liked Merlin's small home better. Much like Merlin liked it much better than Uther's house and it was nice to feel that he was understood in that aspect even without leaving all that had to do with Uther out.
"Just, can I ask you something?" Lee suddenly sounded very uneasy and Merlin looked up from the food. Suddenly the kitchen felt a bit smaller than it had previously felt. Lee looked even more awkward than he had sounded, but when he blurted out "Do you think Sonja would want to move with me to a place like that?" Merlin could just stare at Lee and then relax.
"I have no idea why you are asking me, but it looked like she likes you well enough." Merlin shrugged and continued on piling mushrooms in his box. "She… comes from a rich family too and his father has always doted on her. I… don't want to lose her because I want to live in a small house and ruin it by trying to do the repairing myself."
Ok this was getting very deep and very fast, but when Merlin looked at Lee, he knew he didn't really mind. It was nice that Lee wanted to hear his advice, it felt really good that he had shared this all with Merlin. "She seemed… nice and motherly. A warm personality and the whole time I talked with her she never mentioned how rich she or you are. She however did comment on how smart you are, how 'adorable' you are and how she loves how you appreciate her cooking. Have you maybe considered on asking her how she would like to live in the future?" He tried to help Lee as well as he could.
"I planned on proposing her when I graduate." Lee answered to that and Merlin emptied the spoon he had using for the mushrooms just next to his box. "You planned on proposing her without knowing if you want to live a same kind of life?" He had to ask and he realised he had no idea what kind of life Arthur would want to leave besides getting to police academy. He had just expected it to be similar of what he wanted.
Lee looked uneasy for a second there and Merlin decided to continue "Of course if you want to wonder if she will say yes and if she will put a stop on your dream, then by all means." He was normally never this irritated with anyone who wasn't much more close to him than Lee and he knew it wasn't Lee that irritated him. He was irritated because he knew Arthur and unlike Lee, he never had drama about losing his girlfriend's shopping bag or not noticing she had gotten a new haircut causing a week full sulking and sentences like 'you never pay attention' or 'how can I trust you with bigger things then?'. He never snogged after a fight right next to the gym so nobody could miss it. He wasn't allowed to do that and that hurt, but also Merlin felt like he was being a hypocrite. He would follow Arthur anywhere even if he would have to give up things he wanted and he felt it very painfully right then.
"You are right, besides she already says I should speak more… I just had this picture in my head that I could propose her and then show her where we would be living together..." Lee didn't look at Merlin anymore, he sounded defeated and Merlin couldn't help but laugh a little. Lee looked at him confused. "You are a romantic! of all the things… well, just do what you will, it should be alright either way." Merlin said hoping it really would be.
Lee grinned at Merlin and then he changed the subject "If you want something else just tell me, we have a ton of food here." and Merlin smiled a bit to his container and shook his head. He felt a bit fond of the whole football team, not just Lee, all of a sudden. That Lee felt he was reliable enough to tell something this personal… it still felt weird, but it really was nice. Maybe Lance had been right after all?
Arthur looked bored out of his skull when they finally returned to the front door. Merlin tried to look sheepish, but he wasn't really sorry, so it was hard. Arthur just rolled his eyes at him and told him to move already or he would leave without him behind before opening the door and walking out as to proof what he had threatened. "You know at times like this Arthur acts like Sonja." Lee commented quietly while Merlin was trying to get his shoes on with one hand.
Merlin laughed at the comment, but when he saw Lee's expression, he almost dropped his container. Lee looked at him like he was trying to study Merlin and Merlin could very well see him looking something in a petri dish in the same manner. He started to feel panicky.
Lee broke the moment by chuckling lightly and patting Merlin on his shoulder. "You are alright Merlin. I'll tell Sonja how much food you took to go, she will be thrilled." he said before giving Merlin a wave and walking towards the stairs that led to the 'basement'. It felt… almost like Lee had told him it was alright to be with Arthur.
The world felt somehow different to Merlin when he walked towards Arthur's car. He felt a bit empty, like what he had thought he had managed to strengthen inside of himself had been proven to be very much see through, but at the same time the emptiness made him feel light and after Arthur had complained to him a while how long he had waited for him, Merlin started to feel almost kiddy. Besides, maybe Lee didn't actually know and even if he did, maybe Merlin was just a bit happy about that.
"What took you so long anyway?" Arthur finally asked and Merlin realised he had been smiling stupidly at Arthur's direction for a while by then. "Ah, Lee asked me advice about Sonja. It seems he wants to marry her." Merlin said lightly, he didn't think it was a big deal. Surely he wasn't in the list of first hundred people Lee had told what he had told to Merlin, but Arthur stopped the car when the light turned red quite suddenly and looked at Merlin wide eyed. "Lee never asks for advice. Never. And sure he is crazy about Sonja, but what?" He sounded scandalized and Merlin could just blink at him.
"Umm… really? It sounded like asking for advice to me?" Merlin tried to search for anything he could have gotten wrong while Arthur almost missed the light turning green again. "That would be the first one I have heard. But then again everybody like you for some reason and maybe you are a girl enough to ask about stuff like that." Arthur sounded grumpy and even if Merlin could have taken offence of Arthur's words, right then he just felt like ruffling his hair and calling him cute. "Are you jealous that your teammates don't consult it all with you?" He asked innocently and Arthur scoffed at him. Merlin just grinned at him wider, but when Arthur didn't seem to lighten up like he normally would if Merlin teased him like this, he looked at Arthur with more concentration.
"Sorry I made you wait..." he tried and Arthur immediately shook his head. "No, it's alright, I just- you were gone so long and I thought if I should go look for you..." he said. Merlin was going to say something about how he was fine and he trusted Arthur's friends enough, but Arthur beat him to it "I know I shouldn't act like this, I know you are not made of glass… I just got a bit irritated that's all."
Merlin could almost see gears turning in Arthur's head. He knew what Arthur was trying to say and he could see that Arthur felt he hadn't managed to explain himself. "You got worried about me..." he said softly and Arthur glanced at him looking disappointed in himself, but when he saw Merlin's smile he had to look again and this time he didn't look sure of what to feel. Merlin smiled as gently as he could and soon Arthur was smiling a bit too.
"You know you can trust your friends and I have no habit of freaking out with no reason." Merlin reassured Arthur even if he left the 'not anymore' unsaid. "Ah, um, I know. I kind of just- you remember how you could get upset and you know how they all can be very… touchy..." Arthur sounded even more unsure now.
"I pride myself for successfully making it known to everybody in your team that I want no-one close enough for their shadow to cast on my papers." Merlin said wanting to get Arthur to stop feeling uneasy. It was sweet, how he was worrying. Especially when he had not come searching for him, but had decided to trust Merlin even if he wanted to be there. "It's nice how you didn't come to save me from something as scary as extra sushi… but thanks." Merlin concluded and even if Arthur was quiet for a long while, Merlin knew it was alright. Somehow this evening had been very good in many aspects. Maybe some of it was the school ending and the Christmas coming, but there were so many amazing things in this world, wasn't there.
"I guess I have been trying to learn to help only when it's needed, not before, after and between. But at times I fear I'm not going to be there when I'm needed if I tell myself all the time I should stand back..." Arthur finally spoke when he had parked next to their home. It was now snowing lightly and the scenery looked dark, but the white dots made it all seem pretty somehow.
"Someday… I'll be able to tell you that you only need to help me when I ask for it." Merlin said quietly hoping that he could see that time to come with Arthur still by his side.
"There is no doubt in that." Arthur said before exiting the car and he was dead serious. It made Merlin feel light and happy and he didn't want nor could wipe his most sincere smile off from his face.
It wasn't even nine o'clock, but Hunith had fallen asleep sitting on their living room couch. Merlin woke her up gently and she went to sleep after she had briefly been horrified how she had just fallen asleep like that, but she had calmed down when Arthur had told her to get some sleep, she had been working too hard lately. He also assured Hunith that she would have definitely woken up soon and they were home early anyway.
When Merlin closed their door behind him, he was feeling light and he smiled at Arthur warmly, so what else was there for Arthur to do besides kiss him slowly and tenderly. There was nothing that would have bothered Merlin right then. Soon Arthur tucked his jumper, the old brown one, and Merlin let him take it off. After a while Merlin did the same to Arthur's vest and he took it off quickly. Arthur guided them to their bed and they fell on it, Arthur on top. Merlin didn't mind. He wanted more, he felt ready for more.
Arthur caressed Merlin's chest through his shirt and Merlin pulled his shirt from his pants. Arthur took this as a sign and started to open his buttons. Merlin breathed heavily as he watched Arthur open his shirt revealing more skin. When Arthur opened the last button, he just looked at Merlin for a while.
"You look amazing…" He said smiling softly and caressing Merlin's chest and stomach with his gaze. Merlin had finally reached normal weight and playing football, walking and swimming with Gwen had done wonders to his body. He wasn't thin and bony anymore. He was slender but he had some muscle on him which made Merlin himself a bit more self confident and Arthur very much turned on.
Merlin blushed at Arthur's words and let him slid his hands in Merlin's open shirt in a way that suggested that he wanted to get rid of it altogether. Merlin looked Arthur in the eye and nodded shortly, this night felt like a perfect time to go a bit further, maybe even a lot. Still when Arthur pulled him to a sitting position so he could help the shirt off, Merlin couldn't help but remember the scar. He hoped he could stay on his back so Arthur wouldn't see it. 'I'm not going to let it ruin things this time.' he thought and tried to forget the whole thing for now, but only when the shirt was gone and he could again feel the mattress under his shoulder blade did he fully focus on Arthur.
Merlin slid his hands under Arthur's shirt and one small kiss later Arthur also took his shirt off and smiled, he had gotten the message and Merlin blushed and grinned like a lunatic when Arthur lowered himself carefully to lay on top of Merlin from waist up.
Merlin hugged Arthur close and to feel his weight even more. It was a wonder how different Arthur felt on top of him than anything he had experienced. The weight was calm and warm and comfortable. Not suffocating or restricting or forceful, it wasn't there to hold him still, but to make him feel safe and wanted.
"I love you so much..." Arthur breathed next to Merlin's neck and started to kiss down towards Merlin's collarbone. Merlin moaned when Arthur moved his hand to rest on his hip and kissed his way to the other side of his neck.
Merlin hugged Arthur even closer, he needed to feel more of Arthur and he felt want and lust circle around him with no aim or clue of what to do. He was so hard it almost hurt and he couldn't concentrate on much else. That Arthur had stopped moving and had settled on drawing small circles on Merlin's side with his index finger only registered when it started to tickle.
"Arthur!" Merlin laughed and squirmed while Arthur smirked and started to run his fingers up and down Merlin's side. Merlin tried to push him off, but Arthur just kept grinning and stayed relaxed and heavy on top of Merlin. "Prat! Stop you complete clot-pole!" Merlin said loudly, but he was also laughing, so Arthur just nuzzled to Merlin's chest and let him take a hold of his hand and move it up, next to Merlin's head. He entwined his fingers with Merlin's and closed his eyes. This was bliss, in Arthur's opinion.
When Arthur stilled again, Merlin's smile faltered. He really didn't want this to end yet… Had he missed his chance when he hadn't responded to Arthur's touch? He felt disappointed in himself, why had he acted like he wanted to slow down? Ugh, this all was so confusing. It felt much like talking to Arthur when they had not still known each others. Like they had this whole new way they needed to learn to communicate and neither of them knew what the rules were.
While thinking this, Merlin started to stroke Arthur's back without even realising it himself. Arthur breathed deep and let out a content sound. Merlin blinked at the ceiling he was currently watching from behind Arthur's shoulder. Maybe he too could do something? Surely Arthur would also tell Merlin if he didn't like something, right? And so Merlin very carefully slid his hand to rest on the small of Arthur's back first and then even more carefully over Arthur's waistband and belt to Arthur's waist. He had planned on leaving his hand to feel Arthur's bottom, but it had felt too bold after all.
Arthur rose his gaze to meet Merlin's and he lifted his upper body so he could give Merlin a proper kiss. Merlin started to fiddle with the seam of Arthur's pocket and Arthur smiled at him before letting their noses touch.
"If you want, I can take them off..." He said slowly and Merlin heard every syllable roll on Arthur's tongue. His mouth fell slightly open and it took awhile for him to understand what Arthur had just offered. When he did, his face and neck and lower body heated up in a rush. Arthur kept their noses touching and he looked at Merlin with calm concentration. Merlin had no idea of how he could do that. If he had asked something like that and Arthur had made him wait even half of the time Merlin had needed for his brain to catch up, he would surely have said that it was nothing, moved further and yelled inside of his head what a mistake he had made.
"Yes..." Merlin answered for he had needed to tell Arthur something and the word 'yes' had just come out of his mouth. Even when Arthur smiled at him and kissed his nose before lifting himself in order to open his belt, Merlin had no idea if he wanted this or not.
However, when Arthur opened his belt and zipper, Merlin felt a completely new feeling. He felt power over Arthur and momentarily he felt in charge, in control before it all dissolved and Merlin just felt sick. Had that really been him? Were those kind of feelings really inside of him? Were these kind of feelings a part of sex and such? If yes, Merlin didn't want this after all, but what was this? Why now? Every other time it hadn't been like this, so why was he like- like Uther now?
Arthur had focused on pulling one of his trouser legs over his foot and he didn't look at Merlin who could now see how hard he was inside a pair of red boxers and couldn't even appreciate it. He couldn't move and he couldn't breath, but when he became aware that he wasn't hard himself anymore, a wave of relief washed right through him. He wasn't like Uther, he wouldn't hurt Arthur like he had learned to connect to this kind of humiliation. He didn't get his kicks from humiliating Arthur. Humiliation… that was it. Taking his pants off had been always in order to humiliate him and Uther had always been in power when… But Merlin hadn't wanted to- and he wasn't hard even if he had felt… That must mean that he's different from Uther, right?
When Arthur managed to get out of his trousers without rising fully so he could stay close to Merlin, he looked at Merlin and smiled before Merlin's expression sank in. His smile fell and he rushed to rather sit next to Merlin than leaning on him and asked very much worried "Merlin? What's wrong?" He rose his hand to reach to caress Merlin's face, but he pulled his hand back half way there. He didn't know what to do.
Merlin shook his head and he let in a shaky breath. "No, I'm sorry, I-" he sobbed and he felt water run down on sides of his face. Oh God he hated when something like this happened. This was what was humiliating, not Arthur stripping, he was gorgeous, so why Merlin had thought it had been? It shouldn't, right? Arthur had volunteered himself and asked Merlin if he wanted it. Merlin had no power over Arthur and he didn't even want to have! What was wrong with him? A very familiar darkness spread inside of him and it hurt. It would have been nothing half a year ago, but now it felt sharp and disgusting and strange. He hadn't even realised how far he had come from that completely dead state he had been living for years, until now.
"Merlin… What's wrong? Can I do something?" Arthur repeated when Merlin didn't answer. He shook his head again and rubbed his eyes with his wrists. His chest felt cold now that Arthur wasn't warming it anymore and he realised he was shivering.
Arthur moved very slowly to take his blanket from underneath himself and covered Merlin carefully with it. It helped with the cold, but now it felt like he was farther away from Arthur and Merlin couldn't take that. He pushed the blanket away and hugged Arthur's waist burying his face to Arthur's stomach. It was a desperate move and Merlin did kind of realise that he was very close to Arthur's now also soft member, but he didn't care. It wasn't scary, it shouldn't have been scary from the beginning, it was just Arthur.
Arthur started to slowly massage the base of Merlin's skull and eventually Merlin relaxed. His head slowly slid to lay on Arthur's lap and his eyes dried soon after. "Why did you offer?" Merlin asked quietly and Arthur's fingers faltered before he started to stroke Merlin's hair instead. "I thought you would have liked it and… maybe I hoped that you would feel that you could do it too… I wanted… to get closer to you..." Arthur seemed to think of his every word carefully and his tone was quiet and full of emotions that made Merlin feel sad and angry at Uther for messing his head up like this. He didn't want to do this to Arthur.
Still, Arthur had used words 'like', 'hoped', 'wanted'... It felt reassuring. Arthur had wanted to get his clothes off, so Merlin hadn't forced him to do anything. He again rubbed his eyes. It all sounded so tempting. Arthur would have hugged him with just boxers on, he would have let Merlin look and feel and he would have maybe asked if Merlin could take his clothes off too. Not told or ordered, but asked and Merlin could almost see how happy Arthur would have looked if Merlin had done that. He would have liked that. If only he could just enjoy what he wanted deep inside of his mind where he had locked it all such a long time ago…
"I- I like it. I want to see you like this more often." Merlin forced what he really wanted out of his mouth and for a moment he felt like he could still inhale them back, he had used that much pressure to get them out, but when Arthur's hand stilled, it felt that the words had just flown out of Merlin's reach and control for ever.
"Really? Merlin I- you can have me like this anytime you want, anytime! I don't mind. I mean… I want you to see me as much as you want, I hoped you have liked what you saw..." Arthur sounded hopeful and he was rambling until he started to sound unsure. Merlin tried to see what was it in Arthur's words that was so hard for him to understand and apparently he took too long just staring at Arthur's face, because he asked "Was it too much after all?"
Merlin shook his head. He wasn't sure what would be too much for in him. There was this desire to have and give everything, but at the same time showing any of that outside of his mind and turn it into words or actions felt impossible, scary, uncomfortable and dirty.
Arthur kept looking at him worriedly and he asked "Then… what happened?". Merlin was quite sure he didn't have to answer if he didn't want to, but he felt he owed an explanation to Arthur anyway. "I- it felt like I forced you to do something embarrassing… like I was humiliating you and I don't- I can't do that to you." He rushed out of his mouth and buried his head to Arthur's hip when his words started to brake on the edges. He swallowed back tears. he didn't want Arthur see him crying again.
"You didn't make me do anything, Love. And maybe if you had pointed and laughed, that would have felt humiliating, but the way you looked at my chest when I took my shirt off made me just proud and want to take everything off for you." Arthur said and Merlin blushed furiously at the thought of 'everything'. Something in that locked up place told him that he would very much want to see Arthur naked... maybe if he could see it without Arthur noticing him looking?
Merlin looked up when Arthur cupped his cheek and touched his lips softly with his thumb. "I'm not embarrassed if it's for you." Arthur said firmly and Merlin could just nod. It was… such a different thing, for Arthur to strip than what Merlin had experienced. It was true, it wasn't the act of taking clothes of that made one have power and one lose his humanity, but how and why it had been done. Everything else too. Had Merlin been lying on Uther's barely clothed lap like this, he would have been fearing the worst to come and feeling like puking. Had he been forced to sleep in a same bad with him, Merlin would probably stopped sleeping altogether, but now he was comfortable on Arthur's lap and sleeping next to him was often the best part of his day.
"You are right, of course. I- this is stupid. This is not what I wanted, I wanted to- to do more tonight and not turn into a pathetic mess..." Merlin felt frustrated with himself and he wished they could start again, but he knew it wasn't possible and even if it was, he felt drained of energy.
"We are in no hurry, we can try again later, some other day. And besides, we did do more, didn't we?" Arthur asked gently and Merlin could hear smile in his voice. He really didn't know how he had been so fortunate to have someone as amazing as Arthur return to his feelings, he really didn't, but he felt so grateful of that.
"But I just told you how I'm not panicking for no reason anymore… and the evening was so perfect and now I've ruined it… " Merlin still felt bad and angry at himself, but Arthur just shushed at him. "Shhh, Love, you didn't 'ruin' anything. I had a great evening too and it's still great. Besides, I don't care what day it is if I get to be with you tomorrow too."
Merlin blinked at Arthur's words. They too, were just so perfect. How did Arthur have energy to reassure him all the time? How he never seemed to get fed up with Merlin even when he was like this? Even when he screamed and woke him up in the middle of a night because he was afraid that random things that weren't even real. Even when he always asked Arthur to be what he wanted even if he himself didn't know what he wanted. Basically he was worse that those girlfriends who demanded their boyfriends to read their minds. Why on earth he had questioned anything Lee had planned on doing? It wasn't like he didn't have ten times worse problems to saddle Arthur with than Sonja ever could burden Lee or vice versa.
"What do you say… do you want to go to sleep? I could sleep like this you know?" Arthur continued his tone teasing and his face open and relaxed and Merlin could do nothing else, but strengthen his hug on Arthur's waist and nod against it.
Merlin fell asleep in Arthur's arms. Against the bare chest of the one person he loved like this, feeling it in his every fiber how Arthur was almost naked just behind the thin blanket Arthur used nowadays. When the morning came, Merlin snuggled as close to Arthur as possible and pretended to be asleep as long as he could. When Arthur 'woke' him up with a kiss, Merlin kissed hm back. He would have more of this with Arthur. He would find it in himself to untangle what he had puckered into a deep corner of his mind. He would not let that mess prevent him from belonging to Arthur. Arthur, who wouldn't want to own him, but take care of him and cherish him, like he was doing now and had done a long time.
A/N Hello! So, as I said in last note, this was supposed to be the last chapter. Because there was interest for me to continue on and some very nice words and great thoughts, I have started to write stuff for maybe 2-3 chapters. I'm not sure yet. Because of that I have moved some stuff that would have been implicated in this chapter and left to your imagination, to the next chapters. Because of that, this chapter doesn't seem like an ending anymore. Just so you don't find it weird that I said this was supposed to be the ending and now it is clearly not anything like a proper ending... I'm babling, I have been staying up too late...
Thank you, all of you, for reading and for reviewing! Seriously, in my head, I have already finnished this story, but to get what I have thought to words and a complete story, is not that easy. Especially in english, but because I see someone have read what I have written, I get reviews and I have even gotten some very nice private messages... This really is nice. I think I will start to write another story after this one is finished. And another after that. I think I'm hooked :D
Greedy Reader Oh, you have had noro too! I hear you bro, it was not fun. And I suspected as much, that it was your experience, but i didn't want to ask straight... hard to know how much people want to shere like this and yeah, but thank you for tellimng me your story, I'm always interested to hear other people's stories. Haha, the way you compared Merlin to a little bird ... :D Altough in the end I got a feeling that you don't like birds very much... :P
mersan123 Hi! So nice to hear you enjoyed that chapter chopped in three parts, I liked very much your description of how brave Merlin has been and how kind Arthur has been, it was very nicely put :) Also having Gwen and Lance remind Merlin what a relationship can be, does him good I guess, now he doesn't have to guess. He has never seen his mother and father set him a role model and most of his other friends don't either date or are not that close, so with Gwen and Lance he can actually talk about these kind of things too. Loved your review, thank you! :)
Angel Dove1 Glad you liked Arthur's and Merlin's getting to same page, I kind of continued it in this chapter now that I'm continuing :P Somehow when I let myself have more space to write I had a ton of new ideas... So maybe this story has yet to tell me its ready, as you said :) Ah, in this chapter I also went there to show how still one kiss and cuddle doesn't earse those years of abuse... originaly I really had just a collection of people and things and feelings coming together, while showing there are still problems and a long way ahead, but well, now that I have space... You are in for more Merlin communicates with Arthur moments :P Thank you again for your very encouraging and kind words, this week has been hell.
Insanereviewer Hello! So nice to see you again :) I bet you are busy with your teaching and I complitely understand, don't feel pressure or oblicaton to review, just do it if you feel like it. Anytime and as long or short as you want. even if I finish this story, I'll reply to the chapter's A/N of the chapter you reviewed, so dodn't stress about that either :) Thank you so much for taking time to tell me I will at least have one reader who wants more :) I will do my best to get what I'm now planning done well and you just gave me a lot of motivation to try my best. You are awesome, take care!
Guest Thank you for encouraging me! I will write more :)
Kao I so understand the tablet bit, I hate writing with one of those things! Thank you for worring about me, it's nice to hear you care :) I am also in the middle of working and school and by God life can get busy when it wants to! Glad you liked the Lance scene and the merthur, it will just increse till the end :P Ah, why Merlin didn't talk with Gaius, well, parents and parental figures are at least to me the people I hope I never ever have to talk about insecurities about my bodyly functions... Besides Freya had already once been very kind and understanding and she's a nurse so... To me at least it seemed easier choise. You are right, when a fic drags, it looses something, it's good to know when it's good to end, but I have to confess that I'm not abowe dragging this fic a bit... I trust that you will give me comments and constructive critic if you feel that I don't know to where end this story :) Hope you are not too busy and hope to see you again!