It was almost an hour later when Morgana actually appeared. She was so much late that Arthur had started to get depressed at the thought that his sister wouldn't come after all. Her phone had been off when Arthur had finally tried calling her about half an hour ago and Merlin had started to converse about how much there was to see in this city soon after that. Like he was trying to make Arthur think they had actually come here to see sights.
Now that Morgana was actually by the counter ordering coffee for her and her companion, a woman with blond curly hair, Arthur wasn't sure if Merlin was happy to see her or not. He himself felt very much relieved, but this surely was not going to go well. Morgana had gone through the same upbringing of the importance of being polite and on time than he had and he knew how the way Morgana didn't act sorry at all for being late made him feel like. Morgana didn't care that she had made him wait and that translated to that she didn't respect him or his effort.
Morgana sat down in front of Arthur without even greeting him first. She was again wearing way too much makeup, it actually looked worse now that Arthur was able to see it up close, and her black dress looked like it had been made to look old on purpose. Her companion sat down next to her. She didn't seem that interested of Arthur, Merlin or the outcome of this meeting, but that could just the way she wanted to come out as for she didn't seem like a person who would do something that held no interest to her.
"Good day little brother. How was your trip?" Morgana started. Her expression was unreadable, but Arthur immediately acknowledged how this wasn't a good day. She was in a seriously foul mood. Arthur had no idea how she normally looked like, maybe this dark look was her normal look, but her tone was cold and defensive and if that wasn't a dead give away, then the way she was calling him 'little brother' was. Arthur had really hoped they had been past that.
"It was fine, I had Merlin here to keep me company." Arthur answered the question calmly, keeping his tone what he hoped was soft, understanding and above all, polite. He couldn't let Morgana intimidate him now, but he desperately hoped she would calm down eventually. He really didn't want Merlin to see her like this, it was embarrassing. Somehow it felt to him, that if Morgana couldn't act properly, Merlin would judge him on her behalf.
Morgana looked at Merlin like she had just noticed him and Arthur actually wished he had not said anything about Merlin. Morgana's expression was almost predatory. Arthur also looked at Merlin slightly alarmed and not sure what to expect, but Merlin answered Morgana's stare with cold calmness. Or maybe not calmness, Arthur could read Merlin better than anyone and he could see that Merlin didn't feel alright of being looked like that, but most of all… he seemed irritated. The way his jaw was set reminded Arthur a bit of the way Merlin looked their classmate Cedric, who Merlin had never liked. Merlin wasn't afraid of Morgana, more like he hoped he would not need to talk to her, preferably ever.
"It's good that you have company, I'm not sure how much time I have to spare for you." Morgana's voice snapped Arthur's concentration and he again looked at Morgana who was now looking Arthur just as keenly. This was… frustrating to say the least. This was like talking in phone with his sister, not knowing if they would be talking more than two minutes. Morgana didn't seem to give any appreciation to the fact that they had driven over two hours to even get here. Arthur wasn't sure what he had expected.
"Well, I'll be happy with the time you can spare. We had planned on seeing a bit of this town anyway. Umm, who is your friend?" Arthur swallowed everything that threatened to surface and tried his hardest to stay neutral. He felt a bitter feeling spreading to his insides. He truly started to feel disappointed not just of this meeting but of his sister as well. Had Morgana really changed this much...
"Oh, she's more than a friend, but that holds very little interest to you." Morgana answered in a way that translated to Arthur 'I'm not going to tell you even if you ask'. This was… hard. He could feel the sister he had once had and she was the only sister he got. She was being so… unreasonable, but still Arthur felt he needed to do everything, he would even beg and plead, he wanted this to work. Oh, how easy it would be to just say 'alright, we'll meet when you can act like you too want it', but that really wasn't an option was it? He just couldn't risk this. Not for his pride, not for his comfort or even if Morgana was being almost as abusive as their father had been towards him.
"Morgause. Nice to meet you." The blond woman broke whatever awkward moment they were sharing and offered her hand. Arthur took it. Her handshake was very firm. Morgana shot her a slightly annoyed look, but Morgause didn't seem interested of that either and she also shook Merlin's hand. Merlin didn't say anything and that translated to Arthur 'If I talk, I will say something sarcastic, so I'll just keep my mouth shut.' and Arthur felt oddly thankful of that. At least someone was on his side here.
"So… how did you two meet?" Arthur decided to try his luck and when Morgana shrugged, he knew that at least this was familiar to her also, his annoying baby brother asking her to tell about a thing or the other until she gave. "We live together." was the short reply and Arthur suddenly remembered how Morgana had told in the court how she had kissed a girl to make their father angry. He had gotten the impression that she had done it just on that purpose and nothing else, but was that all? Well, maybe they were roommates and for some reason that seemed to fit a bit better, but what did Arthur know? Maybe, just maybe there was something more common to him and his sister than Arthur had thought?
"Well, it's a pleasure meeting you. I think you look a bit familiar… did you also go to our school?" Arthur asked trying to sound supportive either way. It didn't surprise him much that it was Morgause who answered. "No, but we have met. I guess you would recognize me better if I had braids." She said and now she actually sounded a lot more interested in being here than Morgana. Still Arthur was quite sure he didn't remember anyone like her- no wait! Braids she said and when Morgause pulled her hair to where her braids would have been, Arthur saw a snippet of a girl at least twice his age at the time, running towards a neon yellow ball like a wind and slide in front of Arthur, a blond braid almost hitting Arthur in the face. A laugh of succeed and mud on her face and shorts, they had been in the same football team!
"I remember you! You look… very different." Arthur felt funnily excited now that he remembered even if they had never talked that much. Morgause laughed a bit. "You mean you didn't recognise me because nowadays I look and dress like a girl?" She asked and she wasn't too far from the truth. Even if she was wearing trousers and a dress shirt, she still looked a lot more ladylike than the wild girl Arthur remembered. Actually, she looked better than Morgana did at the moment. "Let's say I would not have thought you wore earrings at the time." He replied with a grin which Morgause answered. This gave Arthur a bit of confidence and he looked at his sister who had pressed her lips tightly together. Arthur's smile faltered. Really, why was Morgana making this so damn hard?
"So… are you both studying in university?" Arthur asked hoping to involve Morgana in an easier conversation and hiding how hard it felt to continue… whatever this was. Morgause nodded, but clearly cave Morgana room to answer herself. "Yes, she studies politics and I… well, I'm just studying this and that, what I feel like at the moment." Morgause seemed to be a bit disappointed at Morgana's answer and Arthur started to worry if she didn't want to tell that much to him either. He really felt insufficient at the moment.
"But you, you must be striving for something, something much more intelligent, dear brother." Morgana continued and Arthur was officially fed up with this 'dear brother' -crap. "I do have a goal, but I don't think I will need to get to university for that." he replied and watched Morgana grow a bit interested at last. "Oh? But I should have expected that, I think I was always the most intelligent one of the two of us. You see, I had no trouble of getting into university."
It was almost like she was trying to pick a fight with Arthur now, and Arthur had next to none willpower to resist that. "Well, I would find it pointless to go to university if I had no goal in my studies." he said and watched Morgana's blood pressure rise. "So you are saying your life is 'so much more focused', so very much planned compared to mine? Is that so?" Her tone was pure poison now and Arthur almost regretted that he had deliberately tried to step on her toes. Almost.
"I wouldn't know because you never tell me how you are doing! Even now I don't know what you are actually studying." he answered very much sure he would regret this later. He almost expected to feel a kick from Merlin, but it never came. Actually… why hadn't it come already? Normally Merlin let him know if he was acting like an ass, so why not now?
Arthur glanced at Merlin and he looked… hard. Almost intimidating, he was mad, truly mad at the moment and Arthur seriously had to fight an urge to lean back. He had never seen Merlin like this. Or maybe once, that morning when he had asked Merlin if his father had been hard on him. The day they had first kissed.
"Merlin, was it? I see my brother has lowered his standards… Or are you maybe our new step brother? If so, I can see why my brother took a pity on you." Morgana's attention had clearly shifted on Merlin and Arthur felt something sour rise inside of him. This was vile on Morgana's part.
"I wish you wouldn't talk to Merlin like that." He said darkly. He could take whatever Morgana threw at him, but she had no right to pick on Merlin. That Arthur would not tolerate. Morgana looked at him confused, the first honest expression Arthur had seen yet.
"What happened to you Morgana?" he asked before Morgana had the chance to do much else than stare. "You used to be so kind and compassionate." He couldn't do this. he couldn't pretend that everything was alright. They had been family, the only family Arthur had known in his childhood. They had been close and they had fallen appat, but right now, Morgana was being unreasonable, unfair and mean. It wasn't that Arthur hadn't been able to communicate, Morgause's reply and Merlin's reaction had given him that much, it was that Morgana was refusing to meet him in the middle.
Morgana scowled, but kept a posture where she could look down on Arthur. "I grew up." she spat and crossed her arms. Arthur was about to try and reason with her, growing up didn't mean that one had to stop showing care for others, but it seemed Merlin had reached his snapping point.
"No, you are continuing to build your life the way that would make Uther angry." He said with a sure voice and even Arthur flinched. He hadn't heard his father's name spoken since the trial, but Morgana was way more affected. "Don't mention his name!" she hissed warningly, but Merlin was not affected. "For what? It's over. He's not here. You are only wasting our time, you life by trying to convince us that you are nothing like him." Merlin had risen his voice and his tone was definitive. Arthur knew he could be the king for Merlin and still he would have no chance of saying anything back to that tone. Even Morgana was caping.
"Why do you keep on shutting a person who has without a second thought come all the way here only hoping to have a decent conversation with you? Surely this is not who you are?" Merlin continued and gestured towards Arthur, with no signs of doubt in his tone but this time Morgana was ready.
"What do you know? This golden boy here hasn't have any hardship! He has always been what that man wanted him to be. He didn't suffer like we did, don't you hate him for that?" She threw at Merlin and Arthur found himself really scared. This question, he had asked it from himself so many times and now… It hurt like a knife to hear Morgana say it, but if Merlin as much as hesitated, it would be far worse.
"Never. he saved me. In so many ways even before he knew. I love him." Merlin's said, his voice clear and without a pause or hesitation. His expression was cold, but Arthur felt a suffocating warmth just to remember how hurt he had felt when Morgana started to laugh.
Her laugh wasn't pleasant. It was cold and sarcastic and it got louder and louder. "Oh dear brother… this s rich! You hear him? You knew about this?" Morgana laughed on and Arthur frowned. This was not something he had wanted and if Morgana would continue like this, Arthur would be happy to cut his ties with her. This wasn't worth it.
"Of course." He replied with finality in his tone. If Morgana couldn't understand his and Merlin's relationship, Then Arthur would stop trying. Right now. And it would be Morgana's decision.
Morgana leaned her elbows to the table and she rested her forehead to them in order to control her laughter. It took a while before she managed to speak again. "Does dear father know about this? That you! His dearest son is living with a queer… Or could it be that you are a queer with him?"
Arthur was about to snap, right at that comment, but Merlin rose his arm just in front of Arthur's chest and that effectively cut out everything Arthur had been going to say. He could just stare at the hand a bit disbelievingly. Morgana seemed to find his hesitation amusing. "You are, aren't you? Or maybe it's just pity even if I wouldn't call that exactly healthy."
"Is that what you or Uther think?" Merlin asked evenly before Arthur could even get what Morgana was implying and Morgana reacted before Arthur understood what Merlin was saying. She stood up, her chair screeching. "Seriously, I want to know if you think that I deserve what was done to you, because I'm gay, or a queer as you said." Merlin continued calmly, too calmly and Morgana almost shook with rage. Arthur was sure she would leave and he was ready to feel the hurt and the pain of losing her while he also knew it would be a relieve to see her gone, but then all of a sudden, she seemed to crumble and she sat down again.
"No..." She breather again leaning her elbows to the table. She seemed fragile all of a sudden and Arthur had no idea of what to do. He felt helpless and he tried to figure out what he was supposed to do, but he found nothing. When Merlin sighed and rose up from his seat, Arthur could just watch. He had no idea what Merlin was going to do and when he followed him with his gaze, he saw that Morgana had no idea either. She looked almost scared and for a second there Arthur was ready to stop Merlin, but then he bend and hugged Morgana.
"I know how you are feeling." he said quietly and Morgana broke down right then. She crumbled and she just started to sob against Merlin's shoulder. Merlin looked somewhere far away not seeing anything really and he didn't seem to notice that Morgana was wetting his shirt. She clinged to Merlin's shirt and soon she was crying. Arthur still had no idea of what to do. He looked at Morgause for help, but she too looked helpless. Just until she also looked at Arthur in the eyes and she seemed to let go of something. Suddenly she looked older and tired. Arthur didn't really understand how this all seemed to her or what she was thinking, but to him it started to seem that Morgause hadn't liked how this meeting had gone so far either and that to her, even her roommate bursting to tear was better than where it all had been going.
Merlin held Morgana in a position that couldn't be comfortable to him, but he didn't seem to mind. He held on until Morgana's tears died down and only then he pulled a chair from the table next to them so he could sit next to Morgana who hadn't let go of Merlin's shirt.
"I- I'm sorry. I don't care if you are homosexual." Morgana said sounding almost shy and Morgause grinned before she excused herself to buy some more coffee for all of them. Merlin just nodded and Arthur couldn't help but fall for Merlin just a little bit more. He looked somehow stronger than he remembered him ever looking and Arthur remembered how strong Merlin actually was. He had gotten used to how Merlin had gotten so much better and he had forgotten that it had only been half an year. For Morgana it had been what, seven years and she was obviously not alright, but Merlin… he had so much more to spare compared to Morgana it seemed. Maybe Arthur should have been more forgiving towards Morgana after all?
By the time Morgause returned, Morgana's face had relaxed. There was no sneer on her face anymore and even if her makeup was running and her eyes were red, she looked… prettier. More like Arthur had imagined she would look like and when she spoke, her voice sounded more like Arthur had remembered it had used to sound.
"How long… can you stay?" she asked and to Arthur her words sounded like hope of being a family after all. "We planned on leaving tomorrow, so we are not in a hurry." He said hoping Morgana could stay after all. "Then… maybe you could visit our home tomorrow?" she asked. Her 'maybe' wasn't a part of a 'maybe, if I happen to feel like you are worth my time' like it usually had been and Arthur had to concentrate on answering and not thanking Merlin for he had obviously managed to do what Arthur hadn't.
"That would be a pleasure." He said without hesitation and when Morgana nodded against Merlin's shoulder looking almost relieved and only partly unsure, Arthur started to feel that there really was hope in them. "If you come around lunch time I could cook you something..." Morgana continued and Arthur blinked few times. "That sounds… good." he managed almost naturally, but Morgana actually looked at his eyes and a small amused smile started to tug her lips. "Don't you mean 'weird'?" She asked and Arthur just felt how tense his shoulders had been when he they fully relaxed.
"Yeah… I never knew you could cook." He said with a small smile. Morgana shrugged as much as she could being still held by Merlin. "One learns many skills while living alone." She answered earning an eye roll from Morgause. "Or not alone, but her choice of cooking is to order take out." Morgana continued without even glancing at Morgause and Arthur remembered that he had been curious of their relationship.
Morgana had turned to look at Merlin and she seemed to hesitate on something, but before she could say anything, Merlin patted her shoulder gently and said softly "It's alright, I don't mind." Even Arthur wasn't sure what, but Morgana relaxed again and didn't let go of Merlin's shirt. If something, she clung to it more tightly. That scene was so much. It was almost painfully moving to see his boyfriend hold her sister like that, but in some corner of his mind Arthur couldn't help but feel a bit glad that Merlin was gay. He tried not to think how Merlin would never sit like that with him in a cafe.
"So, um, are you together?" Morgana's voice cut into Arthur's thoughts, but there was no accusation in her tone and Arthur felt very good to nod and say "Yes, I hope it's not a problem." He knew he should have been the bigger person here and use a different choice of words or even just a bit softer tone, but he really couldn't. He needed to hear it right now, that Morgana accepted them.
"It's not a problem." She answered without even blinking, her voice a bit sad, almost timid. Maybe she could now see how important this was to Arthur. "I guess you never told to that man?" She continued after a very short hesitation. That Morgana now referred Uther as 'that man' didn't go unnoticed by Arthur. "No, but he doesn't matter anymore." He said firmly. It seemed to be the right answer because Morgana looked at him with her eyes open and full of something that almost resembled longing before she nodded and said "ok..." with a shaky voice before burying her face to Merlin's shirt and starting to sob again.
A waitress who asked if everything was alright and a refill to their drinks later, their conversation finally started to roll like Arthur had hoped it would. Morgana finally told him where she lived, she confessed that she didn't have a car nor license and that she actually had a career plan, she just… alright, it was business, she was going to major in business. To Arthur that sounded great and he tried his best to tell that to his sister. Maybe a bit too eagerly because Morgana looked a bit ashamed and Arthur could tell she knew that Arthur knew she hated herself a little bit for going down the same path their father had.
The whole time they were in the cafe, Merlin never let go of Morgana. Maybe he knew it calmed Morgana down and the way Morgana rested her head on Merlin's shoulder seconded that. Arthur knew he had no way of thanking Merlin enough for how patient he was being with Morgana and how gentle he was being, but mixed with the other hundred feelings he was feeling today was slight envy towards Morgana for being so close to Merlin and he longed to hug Merlin too. However, when Morgana started to ask questions about Arthur's life and Arthur managed to make her laugh, he knew he could wait. He still had a little bit of strength left.
"Hah! Remember the days that I could still beat you?" Morgana challenged him when Arthur told her he was the captain of the school's football team. "That never happened." Arthur had passed the point where he dared to tease and joke with his sister again and that made him extremely happy. "Whatever you say Arthur…" Morgana replied rolling her eyes. "He just doesn't want to admit his defeat in front of his boyfriend." Morgana turned her head on Merlin's shoulder addressing the words to Merlin who spoke for the first time since Morgana had apologised to him "Yeah, he's a sore loser. You should see when we play scrabble…" Merlin's tone was light and Arthur looked in disbelief when Morgana laughed at that softly.
For quite a time this kind of conversation held, but it was evident that Morgana had some subjects that made her angry or snappy very easily. They held very little logic to Arthur, but it somehow felt now that he could learn, Morgana was giving him the space to do so. Merlin seemed to know better what to say and he more than once kind of explained what Arthur meant. That could on occasion get this quiet and thinking look from Morgana before she continued with an entirely different subject.
In time however Morgana seemed to grow more irritated and unreasonable and when she snapped to the waitress who came to ask them very politely if any of them wanted anything, Morgause told kind of firmly that it was their time to go.
To that Morgana reacted by looking almost ashamed of herself, like she wanted to say something to Arthur, but in the end she just reminded him to be on time tomorrow. Merlin didn't hesitate on telling that they had been the one's early today to which Morgana answered that she could hardly be late from her own home. It should have been funny, but somehow it wasn't. Still mentioning her home, made Arthur almost giddy inside and he wanted to hug his sister, but he didn't dare. If Morgana was even remotely like Merlin had been, she would need her space and Arthur would just make her uncomfortable if he suddenly got physical.
It was almost six o'clock when they stepped out of the cafe. Arthur had been talking with his sister for almost four hours which was more than they had communicated in the last five years combined. There had been so many emotions and there was so much to remember and think and … but when Morgana said her goodbyes and disappeared in between some buildings, Arthur just felt like he didn't want her to go. The same childish need to cling to her that he had felt when Morgana had closed their front door behind her that one summer day a large suitcase on tow. She had never done more for moving, she had left most of her belongings behind. Right now it gave Arthur great comfort that they would see again tomorrow.
"So, do you have a place to stay yet?" Morgause asked breaking the moment. Arthur was quite surprised to see her standing there, next to Merlin. Even if he had just watched Morgana go, he hadn't paid any attention if she had gone alone or with Morgause, he had just kind of assumed they had gone together.
"Uh, no, but I have a map here..." He answered and tried to find the map Hunith and Merlin had marked with the places they had found just to realise that Merlin was already opening it. Arthur must have left it in the car and Merlin must have picked it up after him.
"I know a nice place in a good location with breakfast included. It's nearby the sea boulevard. I could drive you there." Morgause offered and Arthur immediately agreed and thanked her. It would have taken them quite a while to find and decide on where to stay after all and Arthur really didn't feel like going through the trouble. And if the sea was nearby, the place would be perfect anyway.
Morgause was a very smooth driver and she and Arthur soon found a conversation about cars that almost made Merlin's ears fall of just to avoid utter boredom. When they had talked about cars they had, had driven or their friends had and Arthur actually just spotted a car that to Merlin seemed big and grey and asked what Morgause thought of it, Merlin decided that he would rather ask uncomfortable questions than listen anymore of this.
"What are you to Morgana? I know she implied that you are dating, but obviously you are not." He said talking directly on top of Arthur whose mouth seemed to stop functioning when he heard what Merlin was saying and he fell silent.
Morgause's face screwed into a disturbed frown. "Yeah, I'm not sure why she tried to keep that pretence up, maybe to test if you held the same opinions than you father, no offence Arthur." She said like musing it herself. Arthur nodded in understanding, but looked a bit uncomfortable. "Well, obviously not." He said, but didn't look at Merlin which made Merlin regret he had asked or at least the way he had asked.
"I honestly thought she had told you, but did she even tell that I was coming?" Morgause asked and Arthur answered with a shake of his head. Morgause sighed. "Alright, This is on me, I have no idea what she is thinking, but if she throws a fit she can throw it at me. I'm her half-sister, from our mother's side." She answered sounding a bit grumpy and a tad annoyed. To Merlin it seemed that she had wanted to get along and to get to know Arthur. She didn't appreciate that Morgana had done so much to sabotage that. She had not agreed to the games Morgana had played.
Arthur was clearly dumbfounded and Merlin couldn't honestly say he had even thought this possibility, but… it kind of made sense. "So you are my...um, one-quarter-sister?" Arthur managed and Morgause actually laughed. "You can call me as you wish, but I'm used on hearing about you as 'Arthur' so don't expect me to continue with anything else." Arthur smiled. Morgause, knowing it or not, had given him so much information that eased his mind. So Morgana didn't call him 'dear little brother' normally. It was just to seem distant, to keep an act when she was in a bad mood. All in all, it seemed that Morgana had been as stressed about today than he had been. It felt reassuring and he could feel a lot more comfortable with the start of their meeting now. It had ended well after all.
"So, about the beach bouleveard..." Arthur changed to a topic that had caught his attention some time ago.
The bed and breakfast Morgause drove them was in a quiet street. The house had three floors and a small garden which probably looked marvelous during summer, was now completely leafless, but still tidy. The house itself was old, but well kept and when they stepped inside, it was warm, homey and clean. The owner, an elder woman was chipper and seemed to be a motherly character.
Morgause seemed to know her at least by face, maybe she had stayed here before? She reserved a room until tomorrow and made sure it had a double bed in it. To Arthur this seemed like a very nice gesture and he didn't think much of it, he was just happy that he could sleep like he normally did, but when Morgause dropped the key to his hand and told them to play nice, Merlin visibly paled. Morgause just grinned at them before she waved them goodbye and left.
Arthur felt bad for Merlin and he was about to comfort him when the owner's now stern and somewhat stiff tone cut into the air. "I will show your to your room now." This of course didn't help at all. Merlin flinched and his cheeks got red while he still appeared almost sickly pale otherwise. Arthur felt a spike of anger towards the woman. If she wasn't going to throw them out, couldn't she at least pretend to be nice? Did she enjoy causing discomfort to them? To Merlin who looked like he would faint soon?
Arthur wanted to take Merlin's hand at least, but Merlin shook his head furiously and hugged their luggage to his chest while the woman was already climbing the stairs leading to the second floor.
"The breakfast is served between seven and ten and the showers are down the hall that way." The woman told them without looking directly to either of them before stopping next to their door. "And I don't want any funny business in here." She added after a small hesitation, turned on her heals and returned downstairs. Arthur glared at her retiring back with passion. He almost wanted to tell after her that he was sure that none of the couples who had stayed in that room had never, ever even thought of sex, but he held his tongue. Merlin probably would faint if he did that.
As soon as their door was closed and locked, Merlin dropped to the floor and leaned to their closed door, hugging his knees and their luggage against his chest. It was painful to see and once more, Arthur couldn't understand why it was such a bad thing that they were both boys. To him, it didn't make any sense and he hated, absolutely hated to see how much one comment or a change of tone or a sceptic look could hurt Merlin. It all made him feel so powerless.
"Love..." he said softly and sat next to Merlin who didn't seem so pale anymore, but shivered slightly. Arthur wrapped his arms around him. "She just doesn't understand, she doesn't know us. Maybe it's because we are so young..." he tried to reassure Merlin even though he knew it wasn't the case. Merlin didn't seem to believe him, but he nodded and leaned his head against his shoulder.
"Should we go to see the boulevard Morgause told us about?" Arthur asked after some time had passed and Merlin nodded again. "I'll just change my shirt." he said and finally let go of his knees, a sign that he was feeling better as Arthur had learned.
"That was… thanks for putting up with my sister." Arthur said truthfully, even if a tad awkwardly as soon as he remembered why Merlin needed to change the shirt in the first place. It felt embarrassing to admit that Merlin was better with his sister than he was, but the surprise on Merlin's face soon erased that. "I just got so annoyed at her behaviour that I said literally what I thought would hurt her the most. I… couldn't listen the way she talked to you..." Merlin confessed and hung his head a little before scratching his neck.
"But that actually ended very well, I had no idea what to say to her. I would have shouted at her and that would have been a lot messier..." Arthur said and now it didn't feel embarrassing anymore. "She… she seems to be in a place I have avoided at days just barely, so I guess I know how she sees some of the things that- but she has no right. I mean… she should- I don't know." Merlin hesitated on saying anything too negative about Morgana straight to Arthur's face, but Arthur knew where Merlin was coming from. He had done so much and worked so hard on not acting out, on not throwing his bad feelings to others around him and not growing bitter and now he saw Morgana, who was older and had had much more time and she hadn't done what Merlin had been able to. It must have been frustrating.
"She has gone through a lot." Arthur said looking Merlin in the eye. Merlin opened his mouth, but closed it again. He scratched his head again and then huffed before opening their luggage and snatching a shirt. Arthur lifted a corner of his mouth and watched Merlin stand up. He had tried to tell so many times how much Merlin had archieved in such a short time even if right now he felt that he still didn't really get how incredibly well Merlin had been coping. Still it felt that he was a bit closer of getting Merlin to understand too.
Merlin looked at the room and seemed a little lost of where to go. Arthur didn't understand it at first, but then he remembered that they didn't have a bathroom. "I'll wait you by the door." He said and rose up. He exited the room trying to seem natural so Merlin wouldn't have to stress of his feelings, but he was hurt. With Morgana He had been able to hold his feelings mostly in check, his head high and his spirit strong for Morgana. He had been able to take it all and find the best he could with everything and believe that what hadn't gone well would go better in the future. He had been able to feel grateful of what he got, but with Merlin he didn't want to.
He knew he was greedy and that Merlin too was tired and that neither of them wanted to have long conversations of anything tonight, not here of all places, but he needed to be able to be at least a bit weak in front of Merlin. He felt so comfortable around him and he desperately wished Merlin could feel as comfortable in front of him too. It was just a shirt, he had seen more and it wasn't like he had been staring… But hadn't he just thought how much Merlin had progressed? He needed to stop wallowing in self pity right now. It was just that he was tired surely. It had been a long day he kept telling to himself.
Arthur almost started to think that maybe going to sleep was actually the way to go, when Merlin came down the stairs and told him to come on! He wanted to see the sea! And Arthur forgot some of his tiredness, he had a mission to get Merlin to the beach boulevard and see his face when he saw the sea for the first time in his life.
Just like Morgause had said, they had no trouble on finding their way. A straight road took them to a small market place with small booths that sold food and handmade goods and from the market place there left five straight roads, all decorated with lights and Christmas flowers and all of them seemed to lead to the shore.
The sky was mostly dark and the sea grey and the sand stiff and frozen, but Merlin almost jumped up and down from excitement and Arthur decided that they would definitely need to travel more in the future. They walked on the sand for a while conversing about this and that and all the things Merlin had always wanted to see. When they again rose to the paved boulevard, Arthur was just completely happy. Surely this was far more relaxing than mere sleeping.
It was when Arthur saw a couple of girls walking and laughing about something while one of them hung from the other's arm that Arthur remembered that nobody around here knew them, surely Merlin wouldn't feel the need to hide here? He thought and took Merlin's hand in his.
Merlin looked at their hands first surprised, then he looked around them, worried, but he didn't pull his arm away, so Arthur just started to drag him forward, not giving him time to overthink it.
To his utter joy, Merlin didn't pull his arm away, but after just a minute, walked besides Arthur happily, smiling and his eyes lit. It seemed like no time at all when they reached the end of the boulevard. The beach seemed to be a small peninsula and the boulevard was built to one edge of it. In the end there was a viewpoint build of steady rock. They sat on the railing to look at the whole lit boulevard and the sea. Merlin hadn't let go of Arthur's hand still and he told Arthur how he would love to visit this place again at summer time.
It was such a simple pleasure really, something calm and not at all that exciting or all consuming like love was in movies, but Arthur could tell that just like this, he was happiest he could ever be. Like this, with Merlin. Just with Merlin.
But… when they took pictures with Arthur's phone and even asked some passersby to take a picture of them so the best of the scenery was behind them, Arthur started to wonder for how long could he live with having only stolen moments of this happiness? In foreign cities and behind closed doors.
On their way back Merlin sended some of the pictures to Hunith and to Gwen and some others. He walked as close to Arthur as possible and when he was done with Arthur's phone, he took Arthur's hand again. His cheeks were rosy from the cold weather and every breath came out as a little puff of white mist. Arthur wished they would never reach the bed and breakfast.
They reached the market place way too quickly and even if Arthur stalled by urging Merlin to see what every single one of the small booths sold, the time seemed to just slip through his fingers. They found some small souvenirs for Hunith, Gwen and Gwaine and Merlin conversed with one elder woman who sold hot pies and warm juice until she practically forced them to buy large meat pies for a price of small ones. She clearly loved Merlin and the way he told how her food made him remember the village he was born. While Arthur could just roll his eyes and enjoy the delicious pie, the woman's affection seemed to reach to him too. She fussed over them and told them to come tomorrow too to get some roasted nuts for a souvenir, she would give them a discount! Arthur would have been almost scared of her overly familiar approach, but Merlin just promised they would be back tomorrow with a smile that should have melted ice ages.
"Alright, I think it's now proved, everybody loves you!" Arthur declared as they walked the last non-decorated street towards their accommodation. "Aww, he's so nice, so innocent. You know aww, Merlin aww, so sweet!" He mimicked practically every woman he had seen come too close of Merlin's charm. Merlin rose his eyebrow at him and rolled his eyes as Arthur continued "Merlin, aww. Look after Merlin, aww!"
"Oh, do shut up." Merlin huffed at him partly annoyed, but mostly amused. Arthur laughed at him and Merlin attempted to push him of the road. Arthur's darker thoughts had been forgotten and he was just having the time of his life. Maybe that was why he had absolutely no defence left for the glare the owner of the bed and breakfast gave them when they came in.
The look was sceptic and it held prejudice and if not open hostility, then at least something like pity of their ways or distrust and Arthur just felt hurt. He couldn't look at her face, so he hauled Merlin by his waist, barely hearing the small sound of protest that escaped Merlin's lips and took towards the stairs without even looking at the owner again. He had no idea if the woman had kept watching them as Arthur kept a possessive arm around Merlin's waist, but he hoped she had.
When the door of their room closed, Arthur just slid right back to the spot on the floor he had sat before they left. He really was fed up with all this negative thinking of him and Merlin, they didn't deserve it and it broke Arthur's heart how much those people hurt Merlin. He was hurt yes, but he was still much stronger than Merlin when it came to this subject. His confidence had never been broken like Merlin's had and even if he could see there were people who really hated gays, Arthur knew that he still felt safe. Merlin didn't.
"Arthur? What happened?" Merlin asked and gave him a concerned look. He had apparently sat next to Arthur at some point. "I don't want to hide." Arthur managed and he felt that this really was important. He couldn't live his whole life by the rules of the most closed minded people he could find from his surroundings. He had been so done with that when he had stood in court against his father.
"I know." Merlin said calmly besides him. Too calmly, Arthur thought. Merlin didn't really get what he was saying. "I mean I don't want to hide you, us! You are the most important thing to me Merlin, I can't pretend that there is nothing in between us." he knew he sounded desperate, but he didn't really care.
"Arthur, I know." Merlin repeated this time more sternly, looking deep into Arthur's eyes.
'Then why do you never even let me sit next to you or hold your hand when we are not in our room or at least in another city!? You always grow so uneasy around people and you always look around to make sure that there is absolutely no-one present. Not even those who already know…' Arthur wanted to ask, but he didn't. The hurt Arthur felt now had grown in place during the years he had loved Merlin and it was raw and in the surface. He couldn't risk saying something he would regret, not to Merlin, and besides… the more he just kept looking at Merlin in the eyes that were so much more collected and calm than his own at the moment, he knew that he wasn't fair to them at the moment.
Hadn't Merlin just kissed his cheek on his birthday in front of Gwen and just a day after told his best friend everything? They had even slept in the same room with Will, and today… Merlin had told with pride how he loved Arthur to Morgana.
Arthur let his form relax and he leaned heavily on Merlin who in return wrapped his arms around Arthur. It felt so right and nothing like 'funny business', like the owner had said. How could anyone see this as anything else than right was really beyond Arthur.
"It's so unfair… that people see that we are both male and think that there is something wrong." Arthur mumbled not really having energy to form his thoughts to words any better. "Mmm, but at home it's more than that. Most of the school thinks we are brothers." Merlin said sadly to his hair and for some reason it sunk in very strongly. Arthur had completely forgotten that they- he just hadn't thought about it that way and oh God how bad it would indeed be... how disgusted he would himself feel if for example Oliver told that he was involved with one of his many brothers or sisters, just the thought was impossible!
Arthur must have tensed or something because when Merlin spoke, he sounded a lot more frantic than just a minute ago. "I- I'm sorry for blurting it out to your sister like that! I-" but Arthur didn't want to hear any sorries so he shook his head and interrupted Merlin "No. No, Merlin, I wanted to tell her. That's why I wanted you to come with me, so I could introduce you properly."
There was a moment of silence, just Merlin hugging Arthur, both leaning to the closed door. They didn't even have lights on. "We have many friends who don't think that way..." Merlin broke the silence and Arthur knew he didn't mean just the not being brothers part, but everything he was feeling bad about right now. It was comforting and he knew that he could live with that. It had been exhilarating to have a date out in the open, but he could live with being able to act like a couple only with their friends for the time being. Maybe one day Merlin would be comfortable of going out like this in their city too. One day they would be adults and there wouldn't be school and then living together wouldn't mean living with their guardian.
"We should get to sleep, it has been a long day." Merlin finally said to Arthur's neck when they had sat there quietly for so long that Arthur's neck had started to ache. "You are right, we can't be late tomorrow after all." He said with a bit of humour in his tone and Merlin chuckled lightly at that. It was good, Arthur needed to end this day with a happy note.
Their bed was so soft that Arthur thought he could drown in it, but it was warm and the linens smelled lovely and Merlin was there with him, so he couldn't really complain. Besides the old building didn't seem to hold the cold outside as well as their home, the room had turned a bit chilly even in Arthur's opinion, so falling into a soft pile of duvets and pillows with Merlin was really a nice thought.
It was only when Merlin was again standing in the middle of the room fidgeting his fingers with his pyjama in his hands that Arthur remembered that there was no bathroom for Merlin to hide into. "I'll go to brush my teeth..." Arthur said feeling a bit depressed, but he did want to give Merlin the space he needed. He was halfway towards the door thinking of his resolution to give Merlin all the time he needed that he had made just half an year ago when Merlin almost shouted "No! I mean… you can stay."
Arthur looked at Merlin not understanding at all, was he forbidding him from brushing his teeth? What? But then he understood, of course Merlin had seen right through him and he… was telling Arthur that it was alright if he stayed.
Merlin looked at the pyjama, the black satin one, in his hands and started to shift his weight from one foot to another before he took a deep breath and dropped the pyjama to their bed. Arthur could just stare at Merlin when he started to pull his shirt off. He was quite aware that he wasn't making this any easier for Merlin if he kept staring, but he couldn't look away.
It wasn't anything special, or at least it shouldn't have been. Merlin just pulled his shirt off and then put his pyjama shirt on before taking off his pants and socks and then quickly pulling his pyjama pants on. Nothing sexy or flirty in his movements, but to Arthur it felt important and even if Merlin looked at him almost cautiously, an embarrassed blush on his cheeks, Arthur felt very concrete love behind the act.
Merlin glanced at him and tried to act like nothing out of ordinary had happened and Arthur sincerely hoped that in the future this wouldn't be anything special. His legs had been frozen to the spot, but now they took him towards Merlin and like on their own, his hands circled around Merlin's middle.
Merlin made a small, surprised sound. Arthur realised that he was very hard and pressed against Merlin, but the pyjama Merlin had chosen to take with him, was the black satin one! Arthur just wanted to feel it more.
"You took the satin one..." he mumbled and breathed in Merlin's scent. He was warm and he smelled faintly like home. Or maybe just Merlin, but that was what made his home now so maybe it was the same.
"Yeah, well, this is kind of our first trip together and I wanted to um, well, I thought you liked it." Merlin mumbled in return and Arthur actually took half a step back just to see this absolutely amazing creature that was his boyfriend a bit better. Had he really thought something like that? Arthur hadn't even remembered he would need to dress, he had been that focused on seeing Morgana. He was aware that Merlin needed him and his support, but it really did work other way around too.
"I do like it, I like you in it." Arthur said softly and Merlin blushed prettily. God Arthur wanted to roam his hands all over Merlin and as much Arthur liked the pyjama he would very much like to peel it off with care and devotion, but Merlin had really come out of his comfort zone today and Arthur didn't want to make him think that every time he did that, Arthur would want even more. Besides he wanted Merlin to feel comfortable and testing his limits in this foreign environment was not really a good idea. It would hurt too much to see Merlin panic or tell him to stop or…
"Can I go to brush my teeth now?" he asked playfully after he had let his hands just stroke up and down Merlin's arms few times. Merlin pushed him lightly "You haven't even changed, I'll go first." He said and disappeared to the hallway. Arthur threw himself to the bed and hugged one of the pillows. He wished he had arranged something for Merlin. He wished he could somehow show how much he loved Merlin, but mostly he was just happy.
Arthur had just changed when Merlin came back. Merlin had packed only pyjama pants for him so that was what Arthur had wore. He had needed to wait for his turn to get to brush his teeth for a young woman had been taking her makeup off and that didn't sit well with him, but if the lack of personal bathroom had inspired Merlin to change in his presence, he would not mind too much.
Crawling next to Merlin to the soft bed was maybe the next best thing he could have imagined ending this day with. The satin hid next to none of Merlin's features and the thought that Merlin had wore it for him made him hot all over, but he was also tired. He gathered all of his will power and managed to just hug Merlin close. There was some noise as a couple (maybe) passed the door seemingly fighting over something that was maybe lost or found or whatever and Arthur could physically feel how not in the mood Merlin was at the moment, but it was alright. It would be wise just to sleep.
The last thing Arthur felt, was Merlin's lips on his as the sleep took him way too easily.
Even when he was sleeping, Arthur knew it was a dream. He was in the courtroom again and it just seemed random and somehow wrong. It didn't even look right, he just knew it was the same room his father had been sentenced in. But as he realised that he was standing exactly where his father had stood, the dream took control over him making it all feel real, important, suffocating.
"So, tell me Arthur, how long have you been lusting over your brother?" a cold voice asked and Arthur didn't have to even look to know who was talking. Aredian seemed bigger and his voice louder than it should have and Arthur felt himself shrink under the harsh words.
"It's not like that! I love him!" He tried, but his words seemed to disappear into air and Aredian already looked like he had won. "Love you say? Love, so this it what a love between siblings is supposed to look like?" he boomed over what seemed like full audience and suddenly there were pictures, or snippets of memories where Arthur was with Merlin. Just like he remembered them, dear memories of the times they had kissed or slept together. Some were more Arthur's imagination of what he wanted than what had really happened. In display, for everyone to see and Arthur tried to cover them, but they just seemed to increase their size as he tried, change and fuse with the pictures he had seen in the court forming ugly images, making it all wrong and Arthur heard and felt the audience.
Everybody was there. The whole school, his friends, even Hunith and Arthur could hear them shouting and jeering at him. How despicable he was, how sick or evil he was. That he should die. He could see Hunith crying looking at him with the same eyes she had once looked at his father in this very room. "So do you admit that you are guilty of incest, of forcing your way to your brother?" Aredian boomed over the crowd.
"It's not wrong! we- he wanted it too...He- he loves me too!" Arthur tried his words sticking to his throat. His eyes hurt. He tried to get off the booth, he needed to get something he couldn't really remember what it was, but there was a sharp resistance on his right wrist, the same one his father had cuffed. He looked down and he saw his father, holding his wrist in an iron grip that felt too much like a sharp metal, like handcuffs.
"You are your father's son." He said and Arthur actually screamed. He tried to get free, but at the same time Aredian hit a table with a wooden mallet and sentenced him. To what exactly, Arthur didn't know but he knew he would never see anyone ever and he struggled against his father's grip. "No! Where's Merlin?! Merlin!" He shouted and tried to find Merlin. From anywhere, but he wasn't there. He panicked and tried to pull free as Aredian and his father started to drag him out of the room, maybe to a prison, but Arthur couldn't find Merlin and he tried to pull himself free. He needed to find Merlin!
And just then he saw him, just in the next booth, where witnesses stood. He looked like he had once looked. Thin, pale, sickly and his eyes were dead. Arthur tried to make him look at him as the distance between them seemed to grow too fast, but Merlin just looked straight ahead. "Merlin!"
"Arthur! Arthur! I got you, shhh… I'm here, I'm here, I got you..." penetrated Arthur's mind. As he opened his eyes, tears ran down from his eyes and he realised that had been the pressure he had felt in his eyes. He had been crying long before he woke up. "Everything's fine, it was just a dream, you are alright..." Merlin's voice washed over Arthur erasing the feel of the dream from his mind. It hadn't been real, but he still clung to Merlin and cried. He was so relieved but he felt so much pain and he needed Merlin, he needed him to be there.
Merlin rocked Arthur slightly and kept hugging him close. At some point Arthur started to feel like an overgrown monkey for the way he was squeezing Merlin, but he couldn't do anything else but bable whatever came out of his mouth and continue crying.
Eventually he did fall asleep again hearing Merlin's calming voice telling him that he was alright.
A/N Um... Merry Christmas everyone!
I had my last exams today (for this year) and I only have one essee to write, the dead line is tomorrow, but then I'm free for vacations! Yes... I got home from the test and I have been watching Disney after that. My brain feels like a buble of slime, but after watching Sleeping Beauty, it seemed like a good idea to finish this chapter. I wanted to get something for you all before Christmas :)
Let's see when I can write the next chapter ready for I have quite a many places to be during Christmas, but I'll try to get a chapter with a happier note out before New Years :)
Huge thank you for your patience and your encouragements! I can pull few allnighters when I have you ;)
Greedy Reader I am so great! At least I will be when I get that on essee done :D I'm also a bit hyper, but so what? I love ice-skating too, I'm actually getting new skates as a Christmas present and I'm so going to use them this year! Yeah, nothing really happened in the last chapter... I think I'm a bit like that, I like to write scenes where nothing really happens. Again, I'm glad that i have readers who don't mind that too much ;) Ah, Mogana, I hope you liked this chapter, I realy do! I have not seen Dead Poets Society, I will definitely watch it during my holidays and tell you how I liked it! But your warning is too late, I have done that already... not fun, but less painful tan slipping on ice and sliding on the said ice and getting scrapped by all the small rocks and sand on the said ice... That one hurt.
Angel Dove1 Thanks! 50th chapter and over 500,000 words! Yay! Your assumpiton of 'little strange' did hold, didn't it :D Morgana is a bit all over the place in this one isn't she? But hey, I loved your comment, as usual. You kind of listed every main point I had in the last chapter and even if I thought I was being boring again, nothing really happened in the last chapter after all, you made it sound like there was so much into it :) I feel flattered! They so are each other's rocks, just a little bit more communication and time and they will see that too ;) I didn't think of the ending as cliff hanger, but now that you mentione it... yes, it kind of was :D Hups... I'm sorry to hear you haven't been able to write, but whn you get something ready, I will definitely read it :) See you soon too!
mersan123 Yes, a mind reading power, that's me. Seriously, I'm not even sure where my own head is at days at the moment... But thank you for encouragement, it will fuel my writing, but also my studing :) Yes, it's so nice to finaly write about healing. Healing and learning how to be a couple. It's so nice that you enjoy it too even if at this point most of the plot has ended like ten chapters ago.
Lavitar ch.35 Aren't they? I have a thing for sleeping together scenes... maybe that's why I have so many of them in this story? I think that not a lot happens in this story most of the time, I'm boring like that. It's amazing to hear you loved it still :) I hope you will enjoy the rest and I'll be waiting for you to catch up too!
ch.39 What a fine description of Morgana! I loved it :) Yeah, well it would so not have fitted if I had made Morgana like she was in the earlier seasons :P I itched on writing more of her and even now it's kind of hard to remember how I actually took almost forty chapters to even make her appear! I hope you liked her in this chapter too :)