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by Laureles

Merlin is happy when his mother remarries, but finds out soon his life controlled by the man he would have to call his family. While finding about his sexuality, about his feelings, Merlin gets confused, ashamed and hurt. There seems to be no way out. Slow-build Merthur, Happy ending! Warnings: Child abuse, multiple rape, yaoi, selfharm.

52. Chapter 52 - The last day of holidays

When Arthur woke up, something was off. First of all, he was cold. Not uncomfortably, but enough to wake him up and that was very uncommon. Opening his eyes, Arthur realised his face was just barely on the bed. Rising to a sitting position, he could tell that he had been sleeping with his legs on his usual side and the rest of him on Merlin's side. Which was empty.

Arthur's first reaction was to feel hurt that Merlin wasn't next to him, which only then made him feel guilty for thinking that. Merlin was probably in the bathroom or getting a glass of water, Arthur himself a bit thirsty. Fear immediately struck Arthur, worried that Merlin has awoken terrified from a nightmare of his own and, worse still, that he was vomiting somewhere in the Bed and Breakfast, alone. That sinking feeling woke Arthur up more rapidly than the chill of the cold room ever could. Usually he woke up if Merlin left their bed and now... he realised he didn't have a clue when Merlin had left.

Arthur rose up quickly, rubbing his face. He wasn't sure what mattered more; to see Merlin or to make sure he was alright. Regardless of the reason he needed to get up and find him, so he didn't really care.

The room was colder than their home ever was. Probably because it was old. Older than their home by decades (at least). Arthur could feel how the windows let the cold air in bit by bit and in his current state of mind he didn't like it. He hated that he couldn't afford a decent hotel. Knowing deep down that it was likely he would get his priorities in order in a few days time, Arthur allowed himself to feel annoyed that he wasn't rich anymore to distract him from the worry he would feel until he was able to find Merlin.

As pyjama bottoms didn't provide much warmth on their own, Arthur took the first thing he could find, which happened to be Merlin's hoodie, and put it on before exiting the room.

Even under his bare feet the floor didn't make Arthur feel cold, probably due to the fact it was covered with a thick pile carpet. Merlin's hoodie was soft and warm. Of course Merlin would choose something like that. It felt oddly nice to wear something Arthur associated so difinitively as belonging to his boyfriend, something that felt so clearly not something Arthur would own. Arthur had never loaned clothes from Merlin before.

The bathroom on their floor was occupied, but Arthur could hear the shower and he was fairly sure that Merlin wasn't the one showering. First of all, Merlin prefered to shower in the evening, not in the morning and besides... just not very likely. Still Arthur knocked the door to make sure, but when a female voice called "it's taken!" he just shook his head and headed downstairs without even apologizing to the woman, searching for one of the other bathrooms he had seen earlier.

The corridor had been dark and so was the entrance at the bottom of the stairs, but Arthur could see some light coming from the direction of the dining room. In the faint light he strained his eyes searching for a clock. Arthur frowned, it was only half past five. He didn't need to be up at this hour! It was the last day of his holiday and even on a school day Hunith would have told him to get back to bed and have some more sleep. Arthur knew he was being childish, his moods impulsively following every little thought he had. But at the moment he wasn't very happy with Merlin.

"... no idea why or when the blasted things have been changed to different times in the first place, but they never go off in one go and so I always have to wait for my son to visit, which he could do more often mind you..." Arthur could hear the voice before he saw its source. The Old Hag (as Arthur referred her in his current mood) was up of course and Arthur didn't even find himself surprised when he heard Merlin's voice reply "Yes, well, I think the light bulbs tend to go off only approximately at the same time so it might have just been during a longer time period."

When Arthur slowly stepped around a corner he could see the dining hall and kitchen. He stayed by the corner silently and studied the scene in front of him. Yes, he had just yesterday made fun of Merlin for being good with women, but how could he be there now, on a ladder, still wearing his pyjama plus a bathrobe (that he must have found from their room), helping the Old Hag change light bulbs at half past frigging five like she had never been nasty to them?! Arthur almost wanted to ask that out loud, but his own reticence held him in place, cloaked in shadow and silence. He felt like a bit of a coward because of that.

"Oh! Well, I don't understand these kinds of things, but you sure are a lot of help. You would think my son would come more often, but he is busy with his wife and my grandson you see." The Old Hag continued and Arthur frowned. She was placing emphasis on 'wife' and 'grandson' on purpose...

"I have been led to believe that children can be a lot of work, but maybe you could point out what a lovely beach there is just around the corner. I would move here for the whole summer and fix every single lamp on the block just to be close to that beach." Merlin seemed to turn his full charm on the Old Hag and Arthur felt like kicking him (or the ladder he was standing on) for it. He leaned onto the wall next to him and crossed his arms. He knew it wasn't logical, but he was feeling hurt.

"Sush you! Don't make promises you can't keep! But honestly, I would like to repay you somehow... are you hungry? I could make your breakfast early, or maybe you'd like a lunch later? Free of charge of course."

Arthur was sure he hadn't been in such a childish mood in years, but he was fully prepared to sulk behind the corner and let Merlin deal with his sour mood after he had eaten his special breakfast, but it turned out, he didn't have to.

"Thank you, but it's alright. I would rather eat breakfast with Arthur and we are going to have a lunch with his sister later."

"Ah, you mean your um, friend..." The owner answered, sounding unsure now. Behind the corner Arthur rolled his eyes and mouthed 'friend' as sarcastically as he could without alerting them to his presence.

"Boyfriend, yes, he's bound to be hungry when he wakes up." Merlin answered smoothly before Arthur had time to wonder how Merlin would respond. His frown disappeared as his jaw dropped, just staring at them both. Had Merlin really just... It was just a word, but it made Arthur feel all warm and loved and suddenly nothing felt like such a big deal anymore. Waking up alone, so what? Merlin was right there and Arthur's nightmare... well that just felt silly now. Like Merlin often said, it was just a dream.

"Oh! Is that how you say it nowadays?" The answer was unsure and Arthur could only do so much not to snort. The need to laugh bubbled in his chest, like 'boyfriend' was some kind of new slang only youngsters used. That was just stupid. Why had he been so upset with someone like this in the first place? Standing hidden behind a corner started to feel hilarious, if not that then at very least silly.

"Yes." Merlin replied evenly. Arthur had no idea how he could keep his tone so... just so normal. Arthur chuckled lightly and stepped around the corner. Forget the sulking, he wanted to see Merlin now. "I would fancy a breakfast about now, if you don't mind." he said and watched two heads turn to face him, even if he only cared for one of them.

---

When Merlin heard Arthur's voice he immediately spun around and when he saw Arthur, he leaped off the ladder. To his utter relief Arthur looked more amused than anything else, but the moment Merlin leaped, it turned to a look closer to horror. Arthur took a hasty step towards Merlin and let out an alarmed sound which could have been 'Careful!'. Merlin managed to look sheepish while Arthur sighed and shook his head. Maybe Merlin should tell him that he wasn't as prone to falling or dropping things now that he had almost ten kilos more weight on him, compared to half an year ago?

Merlin sighed. There were only a few paces separating them, but right now the distance wasn't acceptable. Arthur had stopped where the light coming from the kitchen just barely reached, no doubt giving Merlin the space he thought Merlin would need. Without looking back to see if the owner was looking or not, Merlin rushed over and wrapped his arms around Arthur. He really, really hadn't meant for Arthur to have to wake up alone.

"Morning love" he said softly to Arthur's neck, determined to show that he wouldn't budge even if he could feel the owner's eyes staring at them on the back of his skull. Arthur took a sharp breath in and then he melted. His arms flew to return the hug with a similar, if not as desperate, determination as last night. Merlin smiled a bit, but he wasn't happy with himself. How could he had messed this up too!? He had so much he needed to say to Arthur and now they weren't even in bed together, with Arthur waking up in his arms.

Arthur wasn't saying anything and the silence started to drag, so Merlin asked quietly "Do you want to eat now?" When he felt Arthur nod against his neck, Merlin gently pulled back. Arthur let him take half a step back, but Merlin could feel the reluctance to let go. Unlike Merlin, It seemed Arthur didn't feel like his spine was trying to crawl towards his stomach under the gaze of the older woman standing just behind them. Still, Merlin kept his eyes on Arthur's. He wouldn't turn around now.

Arthur looked a bit flustered, a bit happy, a bit dazed, but also confused. Mostly, confused. Merlin could only look at that for so long and keep smiling.

"Ma'am, if it's really no trouble, it would be lovely to have breakfast now." he turned to the owner who had busied herself by searching for something in one of the cupboards with more passion than Merlin thought any cupboard really deserved. "Please, call me Elizabeth, dear" she said in a way that sounded almost automatic. "Of course, I did offer didn't I? Are two eggs fine?" She seemed to relax a bit when she started talking and even though Merlin was standing quite clearly in Arthur's personal space, his hands were resting on Arthur's shoulders now, so maybe that helped? "No... it doesn't matter" Merlin reminded himself before thanking the owner and telling Arthur he would just go and get something warmer to wear.

Arthur managed to nod at that and Merlin could physically feel how fragile Arthur's moods were at the moment. He placed his hand briefly to Arthur's cheek and smiled. It seemed to help, but Arthur didn't get the hint that he could join him, so Merlin left after Arthur had asked to bring him socks while he was at it. Merlin rounded the corner with a final glance back to see Arthur seating himself at the dining table as he started to climb the stairs two at the time. Oh God this was a mess!

Merlin had woken up in the middle of the night feeling extremely annoyed when Arthur had practically hit him in the face, but when he had recognised Arthur was obviously distressed because of a nightmare, Merlin had almost panicked. He didn't know what to do! But of course he had to do anything he could to help, and when Arthur had first called to him in his sleep Merlin had reacted subconsciously. He had taken a hold of Arthur's hand and pulled him into a hug. When that hadn't woken Arthur up, he started to call Arthur's name. Merlin was sure he had never seen Arthur in a state such as the one he had been in after waking up.

Even without asking, Merlin had experienced enough to know the kind of dream Arthur's mind had manifested and why. The specifics of the dream didn't matter, the broken sentences and the way Arthur had held onto him had broken Merlin's heart. It was... he realised he now understood better what Arthur went through with him every time. He had felt like crying himself, but this time he hadn't let himself do that.

Merlin had not slept after that. Even when Arthur had fallen asleep again, Merlin had lain awake with Arthur in his arms. The long hours of the night had given Merlin enough time for his heart to settle down to a dull ache and his mind to go through, around and in-between everything that had happened during the past day, night and the whole entire winter. In the end, Merlin was not pleased with himself to say the least.

After watching him sleep peacefully for few hours, Merlin wasn't that worried about Arthur's nightmare anymore. It wasn't a surprise, that after such a day anyone would be plagued by a nightmare. Arthur had been so tired in the evening and Merlin had seen how the day had gotten to him. Besides... Merlin knew a thing or two about nightmares and especially how shaken they could leave you in the middle of the night. They tended to end come morning, for the most part at least. The only parts that followed were those that had existed before the nightmare and, in Merlin's experience, those things were better acknowledged than hidden in dark corners of his mind. Even if getting them out meant his subconscious threw them out at him randomly during the night.

For Merlin, it was mostly Uther and the fear of being discovered and hated all over again for being gay, but for Arthur... it could be the possibility of having to see his father again someday in the distant future. It could be the same fear of not being accepted for who he was by others that Merlin has. It could just be the bad memory of the day combined with stress, but what had caught Merlin's attention had been how Arthur had sobbed '...and you were there and you wouldn't even look at me... I- I called you but you didn't see me...' to his chest. That was not right. Merlin loved Arthur. He would never, ever leave Arthur alone in a situation like that! He would always be there for him. He would tell anyone and everyone how Arthur had never done a thing wrong, how much Arthur just staying by his side meant to Merlin. He would fight for Arthur and he would gladly take any fall for Arthur. Especially when it Arthur needed it the most, Merlin would be there giving everything he had.

But then a question had risen; Had he?

Arthur was always there for him. Every day he told Merlin he loved him. That Merlin was handsome or smelled nice or how he liked to kiss him. He always sat next to Merlin in their classes, he included him with his friends, he smiled brightly when Gwaine, Lance or Gaius said something about them being together and when anyone said something that could even remotely upset Merlin, Arthur was always there. If not asking if Merlin was alright, then directing Merlin's attention elsewhere or even flat out stepping in to tell whoever it was off, not caring that it put himself in the spotlight. Even if some of the comments must have hurt him too, it allowed Merlin to do what he felt he needed to do so he wouldn't feel uncomfortable. walk away. Never looking back, hoping to provide no chance of suspecting that they were dating.

And what had Merlin done? Keep fidgeting, glancing around, acting shy and giving every signal known to man that he wanted to be anywhere but out there with Arthur. Realising this made Merlin feel like the worst kind of human being there was. He had been feeling lately that he was doing fine and seeing Morgana had given him a bit of boost self confidence. He had just let himself believe he had succeeded in doing the right thing, but in reality, he had let Arthur down.

Of course Merlin had his reasons. Many complex ones. School was one. As time had passed and Merlin had gotten all that he had been craving in Uther's house; the love, the freedom, control over his own life, Merlin had started to feel things more vividly. At times it made Merlin almost hyper with happiness that he could express the feelings he had for his friends, enjoy a nice picture or care what he was having for lunch. But with that came different nuances of his existing worries and insecurities. Not anything like the desperation, fear of pain and even death that he had experienced under Uther's roof, but a strong need to be accepted and a fear of being hated and despised. On his worst days it was the debilitating fear of it all happening again. He also found himself growing attached to the people around him. It wasn't that he feared 'the footballers' would hate him, but that Jordan would look at him weirdly, Lee coming to a conclusion that he didn't like that Merlin had made Arthur act like Sonja or to have Oliver turn around and say 'you're not really on a date, right?' with a concerned look on his face. Merlin cared... he cared what they thought of him. Not just whether they didn't hate or hurt him, but if they liked him.

But that was just him being selfish. If they were found out, it would only take one to decide for themselves that their relationship was wrong and the whole school would know in a second. Merlin was sure that even Arthur's popularity wouldn't keep him safe from their bullying then. And maybe Arthur would be able to take that from their classmates, but what about his team? They were all Arthur's friends and it would no doubt hurt him if even one of them looked at him with disgust in their eyes, not to mention the effect it would have on Arthur being the captain.

Merlin remembered how long it had taken to get the whole team to accept Arthur as the captain, to disregard his age. To prove himself and his ability to lead. Merlin was sure that even if only a handful of them turned against Arthur, the entire team would be ruined. There was no way of proving that dating a boy, forget even mentioning the 'being brothers' part, didn't change Arthur's ability or devotion to the team. His own hopes of being accepted aside, Merlin knew Arthur had so much more to lose compared to him.

But their classmates were still only the tip of the iceberg. If Merlin and Arthur were to openly be a couple, the teachers would surely notice. Some concerned parent could call the school and demand 'something to be done' and then one of them would surely act. Had they been just friends it might have been a bit different, but in the eyes of the teachers, parents and any authority you could name, Merlin and Arthur were brothers.

The first step they would probably take would be to call Merlin's mother. Merlin had imagined that happening at least a hundred times during the year and it never went well. Hunith would have two options that he could see; Firstly she could deny it. 'Oh she had no idea!' 'How awful, she would talk to them for sure!' 'Yes, she had already reserved a psychiatrist for them' 'Oh no, it was just a small thing really, they were close and sometimes they just held hands or slept in the same room, after all that has happened...' 'surely it's just a phase, something to do with recovering post trauma...'

Merlin wasn't sure if he was ready to witness that particular eventuality, but the second option would be much worse; Hunith could try and defend them. 'Yes, I am aware of that' 'No, they are not actually brothers, Arthur lives here as Merlin's boyfriend' 'Yes, I was married to Arthur's father, no I don't think that makes them brothers, they are in love.'

Then it would be up to whomever had called Hunith to do something, because clearly this woman was crazy! Allowing incest under her very roof! And then what? They would be investigated by Social Services or whoever society sent when it witnessed something as harmful as this for two minors. They would see how Arthur and Merlin shared a room, a bed and how hidden in their closet was lube and condoms and beer wrapped in a stupid red bow and then everything would turn very sour very quickly.

Merlin was scared of many things and he was sure he would never see the world like Arthur did. In Merlin's eyes, Arthur was too optimistic, too carefree and too trusting of people. But now Merlin also knew that he would rather try his hardest to believe in Arthur's version than ever try to convince him to see the dark possibilities Merlin felt in the back of his mind in every situation. After seeing Morgana just hours ago, Merlin knew that trying to see the world as Arthur did was the right decision. Because it wasn't that hard to imagine where just a little bit more stubbornness, a willingness to stay locked in his room, to continue shutting out the things that were important to him and fearing for the worst all of the time could land him. And it would take Arthur with him. And his mother.

Already, Merlin was aware he had made mistakes. He had messed up so many times. Like when he had been unable to say out loud to Lance that they were dating, how he usually sat in between Gwen and Vivian when Arthur ate with them at school or how he still turned his gaze away when Arthur took his shirt off after having slept against his bare chest for half a year now.

If it had been just one thing or even two, it would have maybe been understandable. But the more Merlin thought about it, the more he realised that he made mistakes all the time. How often had Arthur told Merlin that he loved him? How often did he make small gestures, little caresses, small words of appreciation and admiration while Merlin just replied by blushing and mumbling something incoherent while not even meeting Arthur's eyes? Too often. Arthur had left no doubt in Merlin's mind that even if the worst happened, Arthur would not leave him, would not deny him but stand tall and tell Merlin how much he loved him. But even if Merlin thought he would do the same for Arthur, how was Arthur supposed to feel that way when, in fact, Merlin hadn't actually done that for him? How was he not supposed to fear that Merlin would someday turn around and tell everyone Arthur had been using him when all Merlin did when faced with publicising their relationship was to take a step away from Arthur. Even when some innkeeper they didn't even know looked at them a bit funny?

Merlin opened the door of their room in a rush. He wanted to get changed as quickly as possible and get back to Arthur downstairs. He would sit close to Arthur, he would call him love and eat at least one breakfast openly as a couple. And after that he would talk with Arthur and promise that he would change. He really would. Even knowing he would never risk them being open about their relationship at school, it wasn't like anyone could really say anything if Merlin sat next to Arthur at lunch or if he stood next to Arthur and showed that he didn't find it acceptable when Liam from their class would start his homophobic and racist name calling (that he had obviously learned from his father). It was just stupid he hadn't figured this one out a lot sooner.

He would also stop fidgeting when they were alone. He had been aware that at times it felt easier to act more shyly than he really felt and let Arthur take responsibility for their love life, but he hadn't really thought about it all that much before. Even his friends' comments hadn't made Merlin realise how much damage he had been causing. Whether it was Gwen saying 'You should take him to a surprise date yourself', Gaius' kindly telling him 'At times it seems to me that Arthur just needs to hear it from you, my boy' and even 'You know it's alright if you don't want to jump into bed right now, but if you never take the initiative for whatever, a hug even, it will be hard for Arthur at some point' from Gwaine.

Stupid, that was exactly how Merlin felt at the moment. Stupid and unforgivingly thoughtless.

To top it all off with a cherry, Merlin had been so determined to 'fix himself' and yet he had left to find a bathroom in the early hours of the morning, found the nearest one occupied and ended up saving an old lady from climbing a ladder while Arthur had needed him! What was wrong with him?!

Merlin pulled the same clothes he had worn yesterday on as fast as he could without even bothering to take his pyjama pants off, simply pulling his jeans on over top of them. He couldn't see his hoodie, but he would rather feel cold than have to start searching for it. At the moment he felt that if Arthur decided to break up with him, it would be because of how much of an idiot Merlin could be. He wished so much that he wasn't too late to make this all up to Arthur, who certainly deserved so much more.

With that thought, Merlin exited the room, almost forgetting the socks he promised to get for Arthur.

---

Merlin could hear Arthur's voice when he had rounded the corner and stepped into the kitchen area. His tone was soft and polite. Too polite. Merlin knew that tone and even if it amused him at some level, he knew that Arthur wasn't happy with the owner. Not necessarily upset, but definitely not happy either. And an unhappy Arthur wasn't something that Merlin found amusing at the moment. Not at all.

Taking Arthur's tone into consideration, it wasn't a surprise that Merlin didn't even listen to what was being said, but just decided that it was time to show Arthur where his feelings stood. He deliberately sat next to Arthur and moved his chair even closer to Arthur's. Arthur faltered a bit in his conversation and Merlin smiled when he saw how distracted Arthur was by him being so close. It was almost stupid how great Merlin could feel when he let himself relax and trust in, if not himself, then at least in Arthur and his reactions.

From then on, it became like a game for Merlin: what small gestures could he make for Arthur to forget why he had been in such a bad mood in the first place? How could he make Arthur's tone softer and the phrases less calculated? In the end it was surprisingly easy. A well placed smile here and moving his foot there to touch Arthur's or brushing a stray hair back into place... it all pulled at Arthur's attention in a way that pleased Merlin to no end and if it worked on Arthur's bad mood too, then Merlin was happy to do it all, even under the eyes of another.

By the time a full breakfast was served for them, Arthur had relaxed to the point where he actually thanked Elizabeth genuinely. Elizabeth seemed to find that flattering and the now relaxed atmosphere made it easy for Merlin to smile brightly and then run his forefinger gently across Arthur's cheek. Arthur blushed mildly at the gesture and ducked his head to start eating. This just made Merlin's smile grow, it was lovely to see Arthur like this. It almost felt that everything was good.

Of course a feeling like that lasted only for a moment. When Elizabeth looked at them in a confused manner, Merlin's smile faltered.

"I- um, you seem very young..." she said and something just felt misplaced for Merlin. "Well, we are seventeen." Arthur answered evenly. His overly polite phrasing was gone, but to Merlin he seemed wary again and he really didn't like that.

"Oh, well, I guess it's alright then?" Elizabeth answered with a questioning tone and even if she didn't say words like 'phase' or 'passing curiosity' Merlin heard them. Arthur just looked mildly confused and said something that could have been an agreement before continuing eating, but Merlin felt something like a weird mix of wanting to feel happy that a stranger liked them enough to see passed that they were involved and feeling insulted that his love life seemed to be so important that he needed it to be 'approved' to even be considered worthy as a person. In the future he would learn to tell when someone thought he couldn't possibly be gay when he was so nice or normal or not perverted or whatever, but as much as he would try, he would never learn to be able to not take it personally.

There was a moment of silence which was broken by the sound of someone coming down the stairs. Merlin quickly glanced at a clock in a microwave that stood on the counter. It was just a bit over six, so he anticipated that whoever was coming down the stairs was the same person that had occupied the shower before and, sure, enough a young woman with fresh makeup and still damp hair forced into a no-nonsense bun entered his line of vision.

"Ann? Leaving already? Just a moment dear, I have your usual... " Elizabeth said while rushing to the fridge. "Thank you Elizabeth, you always take such good care of me, I'll see you again on the17th?" The woman, Ann, said while searching on her phone. She seemed like she was already late or maybe she just never stopped moving?

"Yes, yes, of course dear, I'll have your usual room prepared. Here, give me your thermos now and you'll be all set." Elizabeth gave Ann a paper bag and Ann, who was already talking on her phone ordering a cab, placed the phone in between her shoulder and ear, opened her suitcase and rumbled through it.

In minutes Ann had her thermos full of coffee with more sugar Merlin was really comfortable seeing so early in the morning and was out of the door. "All business, that girl is. Comes here at least twice a month, can you believe it! Could afford the Plaza, but keeps telling me she likes it here." Elizabeth started talking as soon as Ann was out the door and she seemed very much pleased with herself. Well, it was her business, so of course she should be pleased, but all Merlin could think to say was "Uh, that's nice."

"Well, how about you? Here for a... um, holiday?" Elizabeth started with a slightly insulted tone but changed it when she remembered who she was talking to. Merlin again felt the same feeling as before and now he was sure he didn't really like it, but he forced himself to keep his mouth shut when Arthur calmly answered "Actually, we are here to see my sister."

"Ah, yes, you are going to have lunch with her today, right?" Elizabeth was so clearly relieved when she heard Arthur's response that Merlin actually shook his head a little. In someway, this had to be considered impolite at least.

"Yes, we are going to visit her place, it was really nice of her to invite us. I just hope we will have some room left after this delicious breakfast." Arthur was again back to his over the top politeness and for some bizarre reason, it now amused Merlin. He was tense yes, that wasn't a surprise. In a way he had done all the things he had been told was 'wrong', which would have gotten him so badly violated and even maybe killed in the past, but now... this was the result. It wasn't ideal, but... it gave Merlin confidence.

"Your sister... was she by any chance the lady who came with you yesterday?" Elizabeth really didn't recognise the passive aggressiveness Arthur threw at her as she again seemed engaged in the conversation.

"No, she was my... cousin. We are going to see her today too." Arthur answered and Elizabeth seemed thrilled for some reason. "Oh, that is nice, you know she comes by a lot during summer, I have this little 'cafe' you see in my garden, if you can imagine me running something so fancy. She's one of my regulars, always dressed so sharp, but tells me she likes the garden and my humble pastries. If I remember correctly, her favourite is the apple pie I make with almonds... So, do you visit often?"

Arthur stared seemingly interested and just partly weirded out. Merlin, who felt he didn't really need to care about Elizabeth's opinions anymore, moved his fork towards Arthur's plate. First slowly, but when Arthur didn't even seem to remember he was there, he started to eat Arthur's mushrooms directly from his plate, one at a time, in a slow pace. That ought to get a reaction, Merlin thought, or at least he would get to eat the mushrooms.

"This is actually our first time visiting, I haven't seen her in years." Arthur confessed, now surprisingly honestly.

"Oh? Oh! I mean that's too bad... Is it because of...?" Elizabeth gestured vaguely the air in between them and now even Arthur got the hint. Merlin's hand practically flew to Arthur's knee as Arthur tensed visibly. Elizabeth looked at them, a real concern or maybe worry in her eyes and she seemed to realise she shouldn't have asked.

"Um, I- would you like to have some more juice?" She asked in a hurry and Merlin reached for his untouched glass of orange juice to gulp it down. He managed to drink it all in one go, even if he really didn't enjoy drinking anything cold at the moment. He was cold enough already without his jumper (which suited Arthur annoyingly well). "Half a glass if it's no trouble."

Elizabeth rushed to pour him a full glass and Merlin thanked her for that while Arthur moved some mushrooms from Merlin's plate to his. Merlin chose to ignore that and just gave Arthur's knee a gentle squeeze. Arthur gaze rose and Merlin shook his head just slightly in response. Arthur relaxed and smiled at him a bit before stealing some more of Merlin's mushrooms, confident Merlin knew just what Arthur needed in that moment to find himself again.

They continued eating and Merlin said something or the other about how good the food was and how nice the place was and Elizabeth seemed to be fine with that. Merlin was sure she hadn't meant to upset them. He almost wanted to tell her that it was alright, that he had heard worse and then come and visit again just to prove his point.

Still it was far from a relaxing morning and by the time Merlin closed their door, he felt exhausted and Arthur just threw himself on their bed. That reminded Merlin of the fact that he hadn't actually slept in almost 24 hours. Arthur sprawled on the soft bed in his jumper just looking so comfortable... But Merlin still had things he wanted to say so he settled for sitting on the edge of the bed.

---

This had to be the best morning ever.

Arthur couldn't control his features and he smiled like an idiot into the pillow Merlin had used. He was blissfully full and happy. Merlin... oh how Merlin had been! Arthur could still feel Merlin's finger running down the side of his face or across his scalp and when he played back in his mind how Merlin had taken a hold of his knee, Arthur felt some places other than his face gather some extra blood. He was suddenly very glad that he was lying on his stomach.

Arthur turned his head when he felt the bed dip, realising Merlin had sat down next to him. He wanted to know if Merlin would feel comfortable if he held his knee while they were in public, but when he saw Merlin's face he forgot that question. Merlin looked painfully worried and Arthur had to lift his upper body up with his elbows to see better. He had no idea what was going on and that always worried him, but Merlin spoke before he had a chance to ask what was wrong.

"I'm sorry." Merlin said and it held such sincerity that Arthur felt his stress levels rise sky high. What did Merlin have to be sorry about? What did Arthur do wrong? What was going through Merlin's head? A hundred 'What?' questions must have shown on his face, almost frozen in a loop of unanswered fears. "Why?" he finally asked, knowing he had to say something before his mind started to go through some nasty, worst case scenarios.

"I shouldn't have left you here alone in the morning." Merlin said sounding truly sorry, looking like he had really done something unforgivable. Arthur couldn't even remember why that had been a big deal an hour ago.

"It's alright..." he said as calmly as he could while his brain still had trouble believing that him waking up alone could be the only thing that was making Merlin sound this serious.

"No it's not! You are always there for me and I just-" Merlin sounded truly upset and he stopped like he couldn't really say the word 'left' or whatever he was going to say. "...did you wake up when I left?" Merlin finished and Arthur snapped out of his staring. Merlin looked so sad... and really there was nothing to be sad about!

"No, I was just hungry." Arthur lied, feeling bad that he had even thought of pouting or complaining about anything yesterday or today considering how sorry Merlin felt even when he hadn't.

"Still. I should have been here and I'm sorry..." Merlin sounded miserable.

"For the last time, stop being so sorry all the time. It's fine, really." Arthur had to get this to stop now, he really just wanted to enjoy how Merlin had acted while they were eating breakfast together for a while longer. He was starting to feel quite confident that none of his worst case scenarios were going on here (which mostly involved Merlin leaving him one way or another), he felt he should just tell Merlin to shut up and give him a kiss or something.

Merlin looked at him like he didn't really believe Arthur so Arthur took a different approach. "It was just a dream and besides... I just had the greatest morning to make up for it." he said with a smile. Merlin looked at him like a living questionmark and Arthur dropped himself to his side and moved closer to Merlin. After pausing for a second he lifted his head to rest on Merlin's lap and when Merlin's hand seemed to move on its own to stroke Arthur's hair, Arthur closed his eyes feeling pure bliss circling in his chest.

God it was so good... it felt like home and as the silence continued, Arthur had time to remember how comfortable he was with Merlin when they were at home. How easy it was to trust that Merlin loved him when they were in the environment they had shared for the last half a year. Of course he couldn't read Merlin as well on their first trip or when one of his friends interrupted their date. They were still learning all that, but what mattered was that they were learning and that he knew that, at the end of the day, Merlin loved him.

"What do you mean?" Merlin finally asked and Arthur had to think for a while what he had even said. He opened his eyes lazily and met Merlin's now calmer, but still serious blue eyes. It was such a cliche to think that eyes were beautiful, but Merlin's eyes really were. It was a bit hard to gather something resembling an answer when those eyes were so completely focused on him.

"I mean... it's rare you do stuff like that." He managed, but the words didn't feel right, more awkward than Arthur wanted to sound and Merlin turned his eyes down and he looked... self-loathing. That wasn't right.

"And I heard you, you told her I'm your boyfriend." Arthur tried but the look on Merlin's face just deepened and he frowned.

"It shouldn't have been anything special..." Merlin muttered and now Arthur was again truly lost. "I mean... we are dating. You shouldn't have to feel it's a special thing." Merlin continued and looked Arthur in the eyes again with clear effort but he also looked determined and Arthur felt the same strength he had witnessed Merlin exert with Morgana just yesterday.

Arthur smiled and he relaxed again on Merlin's lap and closed his eyes. "That sounds amazing." he sighed and enjoyed how his heart beat in steady rhythm, spreading the warm feeling through his veins to fill his entire body. He snuggled to a better position in Merlin's lap. Merlin's hand had stilled a while ago, but it didn't leave Arthur's hair even now.

It was so comfortable and Arthur felt that he could very happily fall asleep right there, but the lingering silence ebbing away his warm feelings and after awhile he had to open his eyes and look at Merlin again. Merlin was still looking at him and he had that unreadable look in his eyes that Arthur couldn't say he was fond of. It always worried him when he had no idea of what Merlin was thinking.

"What's wrong?" Arthur managed to ask this time and Merlin blinked like he hadn't expected Arthur to say anything. "I just want to be better for you..." he said sounding like he was talking more to himself than to Arthur, who moved his arm to rest on the small of Merlin's back. If that was the problem, Arthur knew he could say the right words.

"How could you? I think you are perfect already." It was easy to say because Arthur knew it was true. It wasn't always easy and at times everything felt so complicated, but at times like this, Arthur knew they were moving towards the future they both wanted and if that wasn't perfect, then what was?

Merlin blushed prettily and Arthur smiled up at him. "I really am not..." Merlin mumbled, but Arthur could see he had said the right thing. "To me you are." he said with a lightness to his tone, but with no hesitation or room for argument. Merlin seemed to hesitate on something. His fingers started to fiddle with Arthur's hair in a nervous manner.

"But... what if- I mean, I'm not really like this." Merlin sounded nervous and ashamed and Arthur hugged his waist. "It's alright, I know you and I love you." He said thinking that Merlin must mean how calm he had been during the breakfast. It was only a bit distracting that he was basically talking to Merlin's crotch.

Merlin took a deep breath. "I mean that sometimes I'm not that honest about us." That was not something Arthur had expected to hear and he looked up at Merlin feeling confused. Those worst case scenarios threatened to surface again, but then Merlin blushed tomato red and said with a voice that clearly needed effort to hold even remotely steady "I haven't been there for you, not the way you deserve and even this morning- I just really want to stay by your side and I want- I want to be with you, not just hide behind you all the time and I-" Merlin sniffed and his voice was starting to break and his eyes glittered with unshed tears, but Arthur could only hold his breath. He needed to hear this. His heart was going out for Merlin, but with this he couldn't help, he just needed to listen.

"I do want to show I love you, I too want to protect you and I want- I want to give you more. Also... my body. I mean! I go to swimming every week and Gwen and Lance and all the other people who go to swim have seen me in my swimming trunks, but with you I can't even take my shirt off. I have hugged Gwen at school, why not you in a breakfast?" Merlin blurted the last part out and blushed even deeper, if that were possible. It was in no way smooth, but Arthur could hear Merlin had given this a lot of thought so he didn't mind.

"Some things do scare me, but with others... I think it's just easier to not say anything and hope you know what is going on in my head. It feels so awkward to say or do something that I have no idea of how you will react or think. What if you don't like me like that or if I'm not any good or-" Merlin continued his rambling and Arthur had to stop him. He wasn't sure if he could take more without kissing Merlin senseless.

"I wouldn't." he said firmly and Merlin snapped his mouth shut. There were so many things Arthur wanted to convey at the same time that he didn't know from where to start, but Merlin seemed to, for some reason unknown to Arthur, actually believe him without any explanation or clarification.

"Really?" Merlin asked, looking shy. Arthur wasn't sure how long he could take this side of Merlin so close to him and not kiss him senseless. It was so perfect and Merlin's tone was so hopeful that Arthur felt everything he could possibly say would sound too simple or too crude or just plainly awkward.

"Yes, you know I want everything of you." The words just came out of his mouth and Arthur felt like kicking himself. What had that been about?! "I mean not anything you are not interested in of course!" he hurried to correct, feeling even more awkward and he tightened his one-armed grip on Merlin's waist as soon as he saw something cross Merlin's features.

"But I am interested... I want to- I want to give everything to you..." Merlin licked his lips nervously and his voice got quieter and quieter towards the end of the sentence, but Arthur heard it loud and clear. Some areas of him were painfully interested in Merlin's words but his brain still told him that it wasn't right.

"I know, but I mean I know you wouldn't want some things..." he said wanting to show he knew Merlin, that he wouldn't expect to actually have all of Merlin after this... He swallowed and tried not to think about what 'all' could mean.

Merlin shook his head. "But I do. I really want everything with you. I am selfish that way." he said and now there was no hesitation or even a blush on Merlin's face. Arthur could only stare into Merlin's eyes and then bury his face into Merlin's stomach. "Yes, please" he mumbled to the fabric of Merlin's t-shirt.

Merlin seemed to let out a held breath as he started to pet Arthur's head once more. If Arthur could do something about it, he would never let this moment end. It all was almost painfully good.

"You know, sometimes it feels like I have to say something inside my head at least a hundred times before I can say it out loud. I wish I could be more honest more easily." Merlin spoke softly and Arthur lifted his head enough to turn it to face Merlin again. He couldn't stop smiling and he was quite sure nothing could ruin his mood at the moment.

"Maybe we should practice talking about those kind of things more often then." He suggested half joking and when Merlin blushed, answering "Like sex?" before then blushing tomato red, Arthur could only grin. "Yes, and how nice your ass looks in satin." He too felt a blush form and he laughed. Mostly because he was a bit nervous, but it seemed to encourage Merlin who immediately replied "Or how hard you are right now?" It escalated from there and soon they were both laughing and throwing embarrassing words at each others.

"Penis!" Merlin all but shouted causing Arthur to let go of his waist and hold his stomach. "Stop! I can't breathe!" Arthur managed through fits of laughter. "Orgasm" Merlin giggled and Arthur was sure he would soon pass out. "Poop?" Merlin said innocently and Arthur almost fell off the bed. "That's not even fair anymore!" he managed and Merlin joined him in hysterical laughing.

After their laughter calmed down, they were both lying on the bed haphazardly. Arthur searched for Merlin's eyes but that proved to be a mistake as they started to laugh again when they managed to make eye contact. Arthur couldn't remember the last time he had laughed like this.

When they managed to really calm down Arthur searched for Merlin's hand. Merlin curled his long fingers around Arthur's and as soon as they made contact, Arthur felt like glowing in happiness.

"I have to tell you everything from now on, don't I?" Merlin asked with a spark in his eyes and Arthur smiled what was possibly the happiest smile of his life. "Yes, all of it." he answered happily to which Merlin snorted "Not a chance."

"Why you..." Arthur pushed himself up just to tackle one laughing Merlin to the mattress. They ended up wrestling lightly until Arthur gathered some of his real strenght to pin Merlin down, holding his hands on both sides of his head. Merlin just smiled back at him, completely relaxed. Arthur felt that his face was too small for the smile he needed to make to reflect how happy he was in this moment.

"I love you." He said and lowered himself on top of Merlin, his head resting on Merlin's chest. The room had felt cold before, but now Arthur felt hot and Merlin's shirt damp and they both radiated enough warmth to make the room feel almost tropical. The small breeze of cold air coming from the direction of the windows felt amazing on their warm skin.

Merlin mumbled a content "hmm…" and wrapped his warm arms around Arthur making him sweat, but Arthur just closed his eyes. He was so comfortable right there even if he was quite sure Merlin wasn't as comfortable under his heavy body.

"Do you want to take a nap?" Merlin asked gently and Arthur was about to answer, but then a yawn broke through. He could use a nap. "Sure, if you are sleeping with me?" he answered, not making any effort to move.

Merlin chuckled to that but then he too yawned. Arthur could feel how Merlin's lungs filled with air and emptied again. There were no words to describe it. It was kind of like how breathing or eating or sleeping was just essential and because of that felt so very nice, but feeling something so basic within Merlin was more than twice as good. Like the more basic it was, the more it meant.

"What if I... slept without a shirt too?" Merlin's words woke Arthur up immediately and what the word 'poop' had not encouraged, this definitely did the opposite. Arthur held his breath fearing if he did move a muscle, Merlin would take the words back.

"It really shouldn't be this big of a deal... we are dating, right?" Merlin sounded a bit sad again and so Arthur nodded against his chest not knowing what to say. Merlin squeezed him close and Arthur let his breath out. "Yes, we are." he finally said and he felt something that could have been Merlin giving his head a kiss.

"When we get home... " Merlin started but faltered and Arthur lifted his chin to look at Merlin. "Yes?" he asked when Merlin didn't continue. "...can I see you naked?" Merlin asked from the ceiling and Arthur was sure he didn't realise Arthur was looking at him. "Of course." he answered, wondering if Merlin could have had any doubts on his answer.

Merlin looked at Arthur with serious eyes and even if Arthur had found the question a bit silly, he too got serious. "Any time you want." He confirmed Merlin's unasked question and Merlin nodded. "If you want, you can see me too." he said and Arthur felt his eyes widen. It was like an explosion in his brain. Like his brain was giggling hysterically and left his body alone to try and say something resembling a grateful agreement while he was so hard it hurt.

"I do... but not here." he managed and Merlin visibly relaxed. "When we get home then?" he said smiling and Arthur had no trouble returning the smile. "Yes, home."

Arthur hugged Merlin close and inhaled his scent. How he was so lucky to have Merlin, he had no idea. He rolled onto his side for the bed to be more comfortable for him and for Merlin and Merlin let him take one of his legs in between Arthur's. It was only when Merlin yawned again that Arthur remembered they were supposed to have a nap together and what Merlin had promised.

"You promised you'd sleep without a shirt..." he said playfully but still hopeful. "You too then." Merlin replied and pushed himself up with effort. He saw Merlin look at the door for a second before he glanced at Arthur briefly, but then he indeed did take his shirt off and after that his jeans, revealing the satin pyjama bottoms under them. Arthur smiled when the jeans pulled the pyjama bottoms a bit showing a glimpse of black boxers. Arthur just felt so fortunate lying there.

Merlin climbed back into the bed fast and gave Arthur a pointed look to which Arthur answered with a smile and rose up to strip himself down to boxers while he watched Merlin's eyes widen. Excitement ran through Arthur when he lowered himself next to Merlin. He carefully removed some of the blanket Merlin had pulled over his chest and wedged his hand under Merlin's pillow. Resting his head on Merlin's bare chest was maybe the best place there was in this world.

Arthur was too awake to fall asleep really and started talking about what their classes might be like in school this year. As Merlin started to feel heavier on his arm Arthur started to speak with a softer tone and soon enough, Merlin was fast asleep. Looking at Merlin sleeping was surely contagious for Arthur too was lulled to sleep by listening Merlin's even breath. The last thing he remembered was looking at Merlin and thinking 'beautiful, he truly is beautiful.'

---

When Arthur woke up, it was already half past eleven, so he barely had time to wake Merlin up, get out of bed, find himself the clean shirt Merlin had packed for him, wake Merlin up again, brush his teeth, collect their stuff and wake Merlin up again before it was time to check out. When he had hauled their luggage to his car, he dragged Merlin out of the bed by his ankles and practically dressed him while Merlin mumbled something about cabbage. Maybe Arthur's head was mentioned too, but Arthur didn't really care, they couldn't be late and it was ten past twelve! And he had no idea what the traffic would be like or how to drive there.

"You do realise that it's just my mother who has a fixation on lunch being eaten at one o'clock, right? Generally lunchtime could be anything in between twelve and three o'clock." Merlin pointed out when he had finally woken up while Arthur was dragging him downstairs by his wrist.

"That means we could be late already!" Arthur was stressed, he should have put an alarm to wake them up an hour ago at the latest! And why hadn't he asked Morgana a proper time yesterday when he had the chance?

"Or so early it would be rude. Now if you could just call-" Merlin wasn't the most empathetic person just after waking up, but neither was Arthur when he was in a hurry. "I am not calling Morgana! She could change her mind and-"

"And if you'd let me finish: Morgause, call Morgause, she seemed stable enough." Merlin cut him off and thrusted his phone to Arthur, Morgause's number already on screen.

After a quick call to Morgause, Arthur knew they were supposed to be there by two so that left just enough time to take a short walk after saying their thanks to Elizabeth, who welcomed them back anytime (even if she did seem a bit relieved they were leaving and a bit disturbed by Merlin's sleep ruffled hair and shirt that Arthur just then realised he had buttoned wrong).

If Elizabeth had been prejudiced against them, at least the lady who sold them roasted nuts and pies was overly happy to see them again. If the three for the price of two hadn't given her away, or the overly affectionate tone, when she cooed "You two are so adorable! You know I have a nephew who is one your people too." did.

After Arthur had gotten a hang of the direction they were supposed to drive, he asked Merlin if he had felt it weird that a woman they didn't know had so openly, and in a very loud voice, given her approval. Merlin simply answered that he felt grateful she had accepted them but he hoped he would never have to experience that again. That had made Arthur laugh and he knew they were on the same page.

Approvement was (of course) a nice thing, but seriously, he just wanted to be with Merlin without any drama. It would be the best if nobody saw them any differently to any other couple. Straight or gay, Arthur just hoped it could all be the same.

---

The area Morgana lived in was straight from a historical drama from the 1800's. The houses were old and made of red brick. There were small balconies and old chimneys. No road seemed to be straight and the whole area had been built on a hill so there were small stairs every now and then to help pedestrians through the steeper places. The houses didn't have garages, for obvious reasons, so Arthur had to search for an open space. Which wasn't easy, it seemed most residents owned a car here.

The house marked on Arthur's map turned out to be four separate, three-story buildings with pitched roofs surrounding a space that seemed to be a small garden. Arthur was sure it all looked gorgeous during summer or if there was snow... Arthur wondered if Morgana had seen this place covered in snow, she would have surely liked that.

Merlin located the right building, the right floor (second) and the right door (only two options) while Arthur started to feel nervous all over again. It had all ended quite well yesterday, but he was very much afraid he would say something that would destroy it all. Merlin, on the other hand, looked slightly bored and quite displeased. It just then occurred to Arthur that Merlin could blame Morgana for his nightmares too, but he couldn't deal with Merlin at the same time as his sister, so he gave him a pleading look.

Merlin met his eyes and looked straight back for a moment before sighing and pulling Arthur into a brief hug. It was nice and when Merlin pulled out, his face looked normal again. Arthur gave him a kiss on the cheek, he appreciated it so much that he had someone like Merlin who he could trust in these kind of situations.

"Don't expect me to be polite." Merlin mumbled next to him when Arthur rang the doorbell. "Wouldn't dream of it." He answered lightly. Merlin had understood him perfectly. For the next few hours Arthur wouldn't keep him as the centre of his attention but focus on Morgana instead and Merlin would support him. That gave him confidence.

Morgause opened the door wearing a cheerful expression and a tailored, button down shirt matched with loose trousers.. Arthur had never seen a woman dressed as such but Morgause truly looked good in that style and Arthur briefly hoped he had a style of his own. He was all of a sudden very grateful that Merlin had packed a decent shirt for him too.

"Tell him it's not yet two o'clock!" They heard Morgana's voice coming from somewhere as soon as they stepped inside. They all looked simultaneously at a clock in the entrance which was quite hard to miss as it was quite huge. It read just minutes before two and Arthur was very happy they had allowed almost half an hour more than Morgause had estimated that the drive would take to get there.

"I will show you around." Morgause said, rolling her eyes. "Do not let them into my room!" Morgana shouted from what Arthur assumed was the kitchen. "Umm, we could come back later..." he tried, but Morgause reached to take his jacket off. "You are already here. Come on, just praise the food and we won't have any problems in the end."

The appartment was nice, really nice. Morgana's room was tightly shut and even if Morgause gestured that they could peek inside Arthur wanted to respect Morgana's wishes (while Merlin didn't and let Morgause open the door just a few centimeters for him), but if he could deduce anything from the layout of Morgause's room and the rest of their apartment, they both had spacious rooms with windows either facing towards the garden (Morgana) or to the street (Morgause). They had a very nicely decorated living room that included a huge couch with tons of plush pillows and no TV. There was too much stuff for Arthur's tastes, either hanging on the walls, decorating their bookshelf or window sills, but it all looked lived in and for that reason, a home. A quality Arthur had come to appreciate only after moving in with Merlin and Hunith.

Morgause offered them drinks in the living room and kept the conversation flowing with a skill that couldn't have been learned overnight. It was almost a quarter to three when Morgana finally made her appearance. She had a slim fitting, white, woolen pullover with an ample neckline and a knee high grey skirt. She still had too much makeup on, but she looked a lot better, in Arthur's opinion, than she did when they saw her last.

"The food is ready." She stated coolly, not offering any other form of greeting, to which Merlin replied immediately "It must be two o'clock now then. Good afternoon, nice to see you again." with a scathing tone that caused Morgana to lose her cool. "I- well, um, hi Arthur." she said immediately, awkwardly and in the most bizarre way Arthur felt like he was the only guest in this house.

"Hi sis, it smells delicious." He said and smiled politely. Morgana smiled at him timidly and asked them all to come eat. Arthur saw Morgause nod at Merlin with approval as soon as Morgana had turned her back to which Merlin in turn smiled and patted Arthur on his shoulder while he passed him. The sharpest edge of his worry gone, Arthur took a few fast steps so he could overtake Merlin and ruffle his hair on his way. Had he told Merlin he loved him today? If not, he would definitely have to as soon as possible. Preferably many times.

The food Morgana had made looked awesome. There was roasted chicken and vegetables arranged nicely with seasoned rice and two different sauces, not to forget salad and some marinated zucchini and peppers. It looked like it had taken a lot of time and effort to make and when Arthur honestly complimented everything he saw, Morgana seemed more pleased than Arthur had ever seen her after their childhood.

"I'll give you this round..." Merlin mumbled and for some reason Morgana seemed to find that funny. Merlin also gave Morgana a small smile after she chuckled softly. Arthur really started to see hope there: Merlin and Morgana could really get along and hopefully he could too, on the side.

Eating lunch took it's time as Arthur suddenly felt like he had so much to say and tell Morgana that he couldn't possibly say it all during this visit. From distant memories to the present, Arthur felt as excited as he had when Morgana had been the cool, big sister and he had just been the kid who had wanted to do everything her cool friends liked to do. He also started to discover what was ok to say and what not.

Some of it wasn't that surprising and Arthur mentally kicked himself when he saw Morgana's expression darken. Like mentioning their old home was clearly a taboo. He could say 'you remember when we used to play football?' and get an enthusiastic story, but saying 'remember how we used to play in the garden?' made Morgana snap at him that it had been too long ago for her to remember. Telling her he remembered Morgause was alright, but mentioning anyone she had been friends with was pure suicide if he didn't have a story ready about them failing in life one way or the other. Those were the easiest things but at times, Arthur had no idea from where Morgana was coming from. Morgana didn't even reply to him when he asked if purple was still her favourite colour, but he still felt that he was slowly learning.

Merlin seemed to have a better idea and at times he would say something, in Arthur's opinion, completely random (and pointedly ignoring all social norms) that made Morgana calm down or even laugh. He didn't talk much, but when he did, it always pulled Morgana's attention. Arthur wasn't sure if he should be jealous or happy and towards who, but it all seemed to slowly click into place.

When Morgana started to ask Merlin some questions about his home village, Arthur found himself conversing with Morgause with surprising ease. They had quite a lot to talk about; football, cars and sportswear. It turned out Morgause did pilates two times a week and liked to go for long runs whenever she had time. Arthur recommended to her the brand of running shoes he had gotten from Merlin and Morgause told him how the Gore-tex jacket had changed her life.

Years later, Merlin would point out that if they told people that Arthur and Morgause were siblings and Merlin and Morgana were also, nobody would question them.

When it was time for dessert, Morgana and Merlin had found the same wavelength. They seemed to share a type of dark humour and their topics started to become more substantial, so when Morgause gestured Arthur to help her clear the table he was ready to help. He didn't want to interrupt Merlin, much less Morgana.

"..and the bed! Seriously, you chose it? " "I'll have you know it was in fashion then to have a metal bed frame." "Oh in fashion, well you know us gay people, if it's for fashion it changes everything!" "Well you are not very good at being gay then, grey hasn't been in for years now and you still kept my old couch..."

"What is this 'best girlfriend' vibe I'm getting..." Morgause muttered to Arthur while passing him coffee cups. "I was getting more of the 'third date' vibe, but I like yours better." Arthur muttered back and they shared a amused look and a snort. Arthur had to admire Morgause, she had clearly done the same thing he had, but without help from people like Gwaine, Gaius or Hunith and she had made it work. Arthur hoped he could find a good opportunity to ask for her number (like Merlin had apparently done when Arthur hadn't been looking). It would be great to talk with her in private.

Hearing "I really didn't mean to be so harsh yesterday... " from Morgana got Arthur's attention again and suddenly Merlin didn't seem that comfortable anymore. He did attempt to tell Morgana how it was alright, but Arthur could hear Merlin's tone clearly enough that even Morgana couldn't miss it and by the look on her face, she didn't. It was then when a strange feeling of inspiration came to Arthur.

"I know what you felt." he said quietly, a bit sadly maybe, but it got everyone's attention. "I too... tend to say what I think will give me the upper ground." The room was so quiet, Arthur could hear the almost nonexistent traffic outside. Or maybe his ears were just buzzing on their own? "I hope you will not take this the wrong way, but I think... we have been raised that way."

Morgana took in a sharp breath, but otherwise didn't move or make a sound. Merlin looked highly alarmed, but remained quiet. Morgause was behind Arthur's back so he couldn't know, but he assumed she was as still as humanly possible too.

"But that is not us, not really, right?" He spoke directly and only to Morgana, whose eyes held all the emotion in this world. Like she couldn't really decide how to feel. "That's why I have talked with Merlin and my friends and I... I have been considering going to a therapist."

The reaction was much like he had been anticipating, Morgana looked shocked. "I know it feels uncomfortable. Some stranger would get the upper hand over me as they would know everything about me and I would know nothing about them, but I don't want to throw this all onto Merlin's shoulders... I can't do that to him."

His words full with every emotion he had and he saw Morgana listening his every word. Still he had no idea how Morgana would actually respond. Even if nobody else in the whole world could understand how much verbalising this meant for Arthur, he knew Morgana felt it too. They were, after all, siblings and even if it was a trend in rich families to have unreasonable expectations, Arthur knew now that he had grown up mentally abused and so had Morgana. Far before she had been sexually abused.

There was a long silence, but in the end Morgana turned her gaze down. "I'll think about it." she said quietly and Arthur breathed again.

"I went to a therapist too..." Merlin offered and placed his hand on Morgana's wrist, but that broke the moment and Morgana gave Merlin her best ice-queen look "Well, no offence, but I would have expected that from a twink like you." From Morgana's tone, Arthur could tell she wasn't sorry if she offended Merlin even if Arthur had no idea what the word 'twink' meant. Merlin obviously did as he threw his hands in the air and rose up "Excuse me, I will hide in your bathroom for the rest of the evening."

"But I- I made a cake!" Morgana yelped hastily and her hands twitched nervously as if to prevent Merlin from going after all. It was evident that she hadn't thought this through. Arthur was sure he heard Morgause facepalm behind him. He was ready to convince Merlin to stay, not really understanding whatever that had been about, but Merlin wasn't entirely serious.

"Well, if there's cake..." he said and sat back down. Morgana seemed to relax and Morgause made a comment of the power of food and men and it made everyone laugh. The peace had been restored.

The cake was delicious, even if it wasn't the prettiest one Arthur had seen. However he complimented it by words and had seconds, twice, to prove his acclamations. He was painfully avare that he would have to do the same the next time Merlin baked something, but he was willing to 'go through' with that for 'Merlin's sake'.

They found more topics to talk about and Arthur decided he would surely read more newspapers to prepare for the next time, just so he could understand every single one of the recent topics Morgana tried to start a conversation about.

In the end they stayed too long. Arthur was very aware that they was overstaying their welcome, but he just didn't want to leave. He didn't want this connection to end and he definitely didn't want to say goodbye to Morgana or Morgause. It was only after Morgause stated she would make 'one last cup of coffee' that Arthur knew they had to leave.

He pushed himself to drink the coffee at a normal pace and when he was done, he managed to rise up and thank Morgana and Morgause for the night before forcefully walking himself to the entrance. Arthur hoped Morgana didn't think he was a nuisance.

Still he felt quite proud of himself when Morgause gave him her number and Morgana at least followed him to the door. Morgause told them to message her when they got home and told them to call anytime. Arthur actually shook her hand in a business-like manner before he turned to leave. To Morgana he had no idea what to say and Merlin didn't offer much help, he kept his hands in his pockets and just nodded his goodbyes. After a small awkward pause, Arthur too nodded at Morgana and turned to leave.

"Arthur!" Morgana's hasty tone stopped Arthur in midstep. "Can I... call you sometimes?" Morgana asked timidly and Arthur stared.

"Sure, whenever you want, I'll answer." he ended up saying and it was only after making the promise he started to think if it was possible for him to keep his phone with him all the time. Morgana nodded at him and bit her lip, "Great, well, talk to you soon." she said and offered a nervous smile. Arthur pretended he hadn't seen the nervousness and just smiled brightly back at his sister. This really was going to work and Arthur couldn't have been happier about it.

When the door closed behind them, Arthur just stared at the door and smiled a stupid smile.

When he turned to walk down the stairs, Merlin pretended he hadn't seen that display of giddy happiness, as if no time had passed at all and Arthur was confident Merlin knew how big of a deal it was for him to act like this. If Merlin understood Morgana well because they had survived the same kind of ordeal, Arthur still knew Merlin understood him better than anyone could.

Arthur called Hunith the second they were seated in his car. She was a bit unhappy as she had expected them, if not at home right at this time, then at least soon. But she wasn't angry and when Arthur chatted about how well it had gone with Morgana and how he had met Morgause and how they had a souvenir for her, she seemed to soften even more. She was truly happy that he was happy and Arthur really loved her for it. He felt so fortunate in so many ways at the moment.

Merlin seemed quite tired as soon as Arthur ended the call. He didn't seem comfortable and after he lowered his seat, it seemed that he was way too comfortable. "You are going to keep me company for the ride, right?" Arthur asked, but he could see that Merlin had no will to stay awake.

"Do I have to?" he asked and turned to his side (as well as one could with a seat belt on). "Obviously, yes." Arthur said matter of factly. "Can't you talk to your beloved car or something?" Merlin grumbled, but made the effort to raise his seat again.

About half of the drive Arthur made Merlin converse with him and only in the first ten minutes he attempted to start a serious conversation with his boyfriend, but when they were halfway home he stopped and told Merlin to get into the back seat and have some sleep. Merlin hadn't complained, but it had been insufferable to watch how much effort it had taken for him to keep his focus on Arthur.

Once in the back seat, Merlin fell asleep immediately and for the rest of the journey Arthur listened to whatever radio station he could get a signal for. It was a bit lonely at first, but when Arthur got used to it, he actually started to feel oddly peaceful. The presence of Merlin sleeping was comfortable and the hit pop music playing made it all seem so ordinary and Arthur finally understood what Merlin had meant by saying that it shouldn't feel 'special'. They were dating and that meant things felt more nice, comfortable, precious, beautiful, unique and many more things, but not like those moments that needed to be chased or worked hard for. It was the beauty of it, Arthur would do everything for Merlin, but in fact he didn't need to. Merlin wasn't asking him to give up anything in order to keep him.

When Arthur parked the car in front of their home, Merlin woke up. It was a blessing as Arthur had started to fret over the different ways he could try to wake Merlin up. He didn't want to ruin the ending of this day too, he knew that he was as tired as he had been yesterday. He would be perfectly happy with seeing Hunith, getting home and sleeping next to Merlin, hoping he could avoid every source of drama. He also wished that school didn't start tomorrow, but one couldn't have everything now could they?

Hunith was happy to see them and she gave them both a warm hug, which Arthur was glad to reciprocate while Merlin grumbled something incoherent before he sloppily and lazily threw one arm over his mother's back. Hunith was very happy to get the roasted nuts and Arthur wanted to tell her everything in one go, but Hunith told them to go to sleep, it was a school day tomorrow after all and Arthur was happy to do just that. He could tell her all about it tomorrow and they could show off the rest of the pictures after a good night's sleep. Football wouldn't start until Wednesday anyway, so they would have time.

Arthur wasn't sure if he was dead tired or ready to stay up the whole night (a state Merlin would refer to as 'on and off' in the years to come) until Merlin stated that he would take a shower.

"What if we took a bath together?" Arthur asked on an impulse and Merlin gave him his full attention. He didn't seem alarmed, just curious and (maybe?) nervous, so Arthur grinned and decided to push it a bit. "You could wear your swimming trunks. I heard that all the handsome men at the swimming pool have seen you in them." he said grinning and passed the now still Merlin to the bathroom.

"I so did not say anything about handsome men!" Merlin shouted after Arthur about two minutes too late and Arthur laughed. He stripped and started to run water for a bath, feeling generally good about the world. He didn't even care much if Merlin was joining him or not. The door was open and he didn't have to worry about it. He could just relax and Merlin would at least wait for him in their bed.

When the tub was filled halfway, Arthur climbed in. Bath was the one piece of luxury he had never had in his life and he could honestly say he loved it. Even if the bath was on the small side, the warm water relaxed Arthur. He closed his eyes and let his head fall to rest on the edge of the tub, his arms draped over the edges. His mind was totally blank and he only had to focus on staying awake. It was bliss.

The surface of the water rose when Merlin stepped into the tub. Arthur didn't open his eyes even if he was caught off guard. Merlin could move surprisingly quietly when he wanted to. Arthur bent his right leg to make some room for Merlin, but otherwise he didn't acknowledge Melin in anyway.

The water rose dangerously high, but didn't flow over and so Arthur still didn't even open his eyes. The silence dragged, but it was a comfortable silence. Arthur could feel Merlin against his left calf. The tub wasn't big enough for the two of them, not really, and his leg would start to feel numb after a while, but it was alright. The only thought swimming around Arthur's mind was that he would add a bigger tub to the list of features for his future dream home.

Eventually, Arthur lazily opened his eyes. Merlin was sitting with his back against the very end of the tub (which wasn't far away from Arthur at all), hugging his bent knees. Usually Arthur took that as a sign of Merlin feeling insecure, but now his chin was resting on his knees and his eyes looking much, much lower than Arthur's eyes. It made Arthur blush, but the interest evident in Merlin's eyes was too flattering for Arthur to feel uncomfortable. Merlin himself had his stupidly old swimming trunks on as Arthur could clearly see the green colour through the water. He ended up wondering who on earth had decided it was a good idea to print pictures of pineapples on any kind of clothing and when had Merlin gotten the said swimming trunks in the first place until Merlin lifted his gaze.

Merlin lowered his eyes to his knees as soon as he realised Arthur was watching him and blushed. Whatever Arthur had thought or Merlin had said in the past, in that moment Arthur decided that Merlin was, in fact, shy. The realisation made Arthur smile and he wondered what Will would say if he told him that.

Merlin reached to take some shampoo, not looking at Arthur while Arthur just grinned at the scene in front of him. Merlin was so close... there seemed to still be a wall preventing him from touching Merlin more than he already was, but it was still good. Even if there wasn't much to see with Merlin's legs in front of him, he was still there, almost naked and scrubbing shampoo on his hair, making it stick up in foamy spikes. What was there not to like?

"Could you maybe try and be a bit creepier?" Merlin broke the silence and looked at Arthur from under his brows. "That would be quite hard, but I will try." Arthur replied with as serious a tone as he could muster and Merlin snorted. Encouraged by that, Arthur leaned forward and ran his hand across Merlin's soapy hair. The foam felt funny and so he ruffled Merlin's hair causing the soap to splatter.

"Hey!" Merlin complained and rinsed his face while Arthur laughed, not necessarily at Merlin, but from the feeling of the situation. He was happy, he had gotten to feel how Merlin's hair felt while being washed and he couldn't feel his left calf anymore. He was sure this couldn't get any better until Merlin leaned forward and manoeuvred onto his knees, reaching to wash Arthur's hair too. Blood rushed to Arthur's left foot and it started to prickle and Merlin used so much shampoo that the foam trickled down his face, but his heart raced and his mind was empty once more.

Merlin's hands rubbed small circles on his scalp and neck. His knees were so close to Arthur's crotch and Arthur could smell Merlin's scent as his chest was close to his face. Arthur closed his eyes and enjoyed it all. His hands moved on their own to rest on Merlin's sides. Merlin didn't react one way or another and it was all the better. Arthur kind of knew that they had to wake up at seven o'clock and that it was at least half past ten by now, but he would rather suffer tomorrow than rest by going to sleep anytime soon.

When Merlin shifted his hands, Arthur made a disapproving sound and Merlin chuckled. Arthur opened his eyes slowly to see Merlin smile that smile he loved the most. Merlin's eyes were still focused on Arthur's hair and his hands returned there to form spikes on both sides of Arthur's head. The smile never left his features and he laughed softly when Arthur looked up, mock concern affecting the expression on his face.

"Now you look like Astro Boy" Merlin laughed when he removed his hands, this time just letting them slide to Arthur's shoulders and staying there. "Who?" Arthur had to ask even if he had a hunch it was something that really didn't interest him at all.

"Astro Boy. There was a chapter of the golden age of comic books in literature last year, remember? Astro boy was the only Asian example. I wrote my essay of it." Merlin replied sounding like he didn't really care. "Hmm... What did I write that one about?" Arthur mused not really making the connection and Merlin noticed it. "Superman, who else." He said rolling his eyes.

"Oh yeah, the one I asked you to make some suggestions for!" Arthur grinned and Merlin scoffed. "You mean the one I re-wrote for you?" And Arthur laughed at the expression "Yeah, that one!". Merlin rolled his eyes but Arthur knew he was a bit pleased at the memory of how thankful Arthur had been at the time. He wished he had shown how grateful he had been of Merlin's help and presence a lot more often back then.

"You'll help me this year too, right?" Arthur asked jokingly "No way, do your own work." Merlin replied bluntly but he was again looking Arthur straight in the eyes and smiling, so Arthur smiled too.

"Come here." he said and pulled Merlin forward. Merlin yelped when his knees slipped and he fell face first to the water. Some of the water flew over and Merlin sputtering didn't help at all. Finally he managed to place his hands on the edge of the tub and pull himself above the water while Arthur laughed his ass off. He got a splash of water to his face for that, but he couldn't really stop laughing even to spit the soapy water out of his mouth.

"You utter clotpole!" Merlin groaned with passion, but Arthur still couldn't stop laughing. Merlin shook his heads and gave him a murderous look, but he was still balancing himself against the edge of the tub behind Arthur's back and so he was close, so close, and right then there seemed to be no boundaries and so Arthur reached for Merlin. He didn't know where exactly he wanted to touch, maybe it didn't matter really, but his hand landed on Merlin's neck. He swept his thumb across Merlin's cheek and Merlin leaned to the touch before he lowered himself to kiss Arthur.

That moment there was nothing, absolutely nothing for Arthur in this world but the kiss and Merlin. For once he wasn't worried he might not be considerate enough towards Merlin, for once he didn't think of what he was supposed or not supposed to do, of tomorrow or if he was good enough or not.

His face was wet and Merlin's hair dripped more water onto his face making the kiss extremely wet and messy. Arthur licked some of the water from Merlin's lips, took a strong hold of Merlin's waist to stabilise him and opened his legs as much as he could in the narrow space to get him closer and Merlin followed his movements eagerly. The tub restricted his movements and that frustrated Arthur, but even the amount of struggling to get what he wanted didn't bother him at the moment. Arthur broke the kiss to let out a long moan when Merlin was finally, properly against his naked body. He had wanted this, needed this, so much…

There was only the wet material of Merlin's swimming trunks in between them and Arthur felt his breath catch in his throat when he felt Merlin hard against his own equal hardness. This was it, the evidence that Merlin wanted him like he wanted Merlin, that he had been craving without knowing what he had wanted. Much like he needed to be able to just be out there and hold Merlin's hand and call him 'love' or just introduce them as a couple, he needed to feel with his body and soul that Merlin wanted him.

And then Merlin slid his hand lower while kissing Arthur's neck and Arthur lost all thought. They had done this once before and Arthur just hoped, was ready to plead even, that Merlin would touch him. There was a fire in between his legs and it needed to be touched by Merlin. Right now.

And Merlin did. Something incoherent left Arthur's mouth and he hugged Merlin as close as he could while Merlin touched him gently in between them. Up and down, Arthur lost all comprehension of space and time, feeling only Merlin. He wouldn't last long like this. A quick thought of whether or not the bath water would hide the smell that had made Merlin panic the last time crossed Arthur's mind, but he couldn't hold onto the thought long enough to actually ask or even become concerned. He just hoped it would, because there was nothing he could do to stop himself from coming.

"Merlin..." he breathed out and in seconds Merlin was kissing him again. Bath water was surely spilling onto the bathroom floor and Arthur almost missed the softest of whispers from Merlin. "I love you..." echoed in Arthur's mind over and over again and suddenly Merlin wasn't close enough. The small patch of wet fabric, the awkward ankle, even the water in between their skin seemed too much.

Arthur moved his hands to get a hold of anything that was Merlin, who was firmly lodged in between his legs, stroking Arthur in the most delicious way, so all Arthur could do was to try and run his hands across Merlin's back and pull him closer. His hands met the hem of Merlin's trunks under water and he slid his other hand to feel the curve of Merlin's buttocks while the other attempted to bring Merlin closer to his chest.

It was then that Merlin's knee seemed to slip again and Merlin's body turned to fully fill the v-shape of Arthur's open legs. His hold on Arthur tightened suddenly and Arthur was pushed over the edge. He squeezed Merlin close and a breathless yelp left his lips and his vision went white for a moment before breaking into hundreds of bright lights.

It was like time had slowed for a few seconds so he could process it all. The sweet release, Merlin's body against his, the scent of the shampoo Merlin had chosen, a series of small noises Merlin was making, the smallest movement of Merlin's body in between his thighs, his own muscles getting lax…

And then he felt it, a warm spurt on his thigh, a small shudder that traveled through Merlin's whole body, a broken "Ah!" sound just next to his collarbone where Merlin buried his face… Merlin too, had come and it made Arthur's breath hitch and his heart skipped a beat. His mind ceased coherent thought on the realisation they had found release together. There were no words for it. It was the best feeling, to be able to get there with Merlin.

Arthur gathered what little strength he had left and wrapped his arms around Merlin. He breathed through his mouth onto Merlin's neck and let the moment sink in fully.

When his thinking slowly started to work again, he realised that Merlin had turned his head to look at him the best he could. Arthur let his arms relax and Merlin took the opportunity to pull back so he could see Arthur's face. His expression was so concentrated, so sharp that it felt like a mental slap to Arthur's mushy feeling brain. Merlin looked to concerned and Arthur didn't unders-

'What if you don't like me like that...' Merlin had said just this morning, which felt like it had happened last year and now Arthur saw the connection. His idiot of a boyfriend hadn't known if he would like to see this side of him for whatever stupid, moronic reason that despicable excuse of a human being (who Arthur refused to even spare a thought at the moment) had planted on his head! 'Don't you dare to look at me like that you-'

"Idiot. You complete- love, I love you, oh God, come here..." Arthur kissed every inch of Merlin's face at the same time he spoke and tried his best to get Merlin to understand how amazing he was even if he had no idea what he was saying. That eventually made Merlin laugh, which in turn made Arthur smile and when Arthur opened his eyes, the tension had left Merlin's face.

Soon after the tub started to feel uncomfortable. What Arthur was able to ignore before became now apparent. His legs were pressed in between the tub edge and Merlin, who wasn't exactly buoyant in such a small amount of water. The water had also cooled down quite a lot and his skin was sticking to the enamel of the tub. Besides, he wanted to hug Merlin properly, preferably dry.

Merlin seemed to have similar thoughts because he removed the plug and reached for the shower head. Arthur let Merlin rinse his hair and he didn't even complain when Merlin seated himself to the far end of the tub (which really wasn't that far away). The water was slowly draining and Arthur was getting cold, but when he was about to gather his limbs and get out to dry, Merlin gave him a shy look and thrusted the shower head to Arthur who almost dropped it. Merlin's jaw moved slightly like he was chewing his own tongue for a while before he turned his eyes to look at the bathroom door.

"You said you'd like to see me too..." He said quietly and kept looking at the door so intently that Arthur had an urge to check if there was actually someone there, but he suppressed that feeling and instead breathed "yes", truly wanting to see Merlin without those ridiculous pineapple printed-

Merlin gave him an unreadable look and then dropped his gaze. Arthur realised he was holding the shower head with his both hands like a bouquet of flowers and the water was still running. That did not feel too intelligent, but Merlin was reaching for his trunks and Arthur couldn't move.

Taking off a pair of wet trunks in a tub wasn't an easy or graceful event and even Merlin, who tried to keep his movements minimal, had to admit that he had to stand up in order to accomplish the task. Arthur just sat there staring openly.

Merlin's pubic hair was the same shade of black as his hair, which didn't surprise Arthur. The thin line of hair, that started from Merlin's navel, Arthur had seen before. But now he saw how that joined to a perfect diamond of black hair that didn't pass the hem of his boxers like Arthur's did. In the middle of it all was nestled his now soft cock that was slightly longer than Arthur's and also a shade darker. Arthur had a sudden urge to compare it to his own in detail and he realised how absurd it felt to sit in an almost empty tub, naked, wanting to check which of them had hairier balls and he chuckled.

Merlin, who had sat down as fast as he had been able to and started rinsing his hair (which he had already done once) snapped his eyes to Arthur's as if electrocuted, but Arthur just smiled back at him. "You are beautiful" he said. He didn't think that there was anything else to say. He wasn't sure when Merlin had taken the shower head from his grip.

Merlin ducked his head once more, but not before Arthur saw a smile break and a blush colour Merlin's cheeks.

The bathroom floor was soaked, even as most of the water seemed to have reached the drain under their sink. Not sure if it would dry on its own, Arthur spread his towel on the floor and wiped what he could after he had dried himself. He left the towel on the edge of the tub alongside Merlin's trunks (which print Arthur didn't find funny anymore) and brushed his teeth, a satisfied smile never leaving his face.

By the time he was ready, Merlin had already curled under their covers wearing his purple pyjamas. He looked so cute like that and Arthur was sure that no bed would ever look as comfortable as one with his own pillow, his own blanket and Merlin in it. And who cared if there was a pillow or not as long as Merlin looked so comfortable.

A fresh pair of boxers and pyjama bottoms, a trip downstairs to get two glasses of water and a goodnight to Hunith, who was drinking her evening tea in their living room, later and Arthur was more than content to nestle himself into Merlin's arms and close his eyes. He decided not to tell Merlin that he was fairly sure he had never seen Hunith eat or drink anything in their living room or that she never listened to music so late at night. He just hoped the bathroom door downstairs had been closed the whole time and that what people said about sound traveling through pipes in old houses was just a rumour he had heard.

---

The morning came far too quickly with the "Morning sunshine!" and curtains being drawn open by Merlin not appearing in the list of what Arthur wanted to see the first thing in the morning. He groaned and turned back into his pillows, hoping Merlin was there to be hugged and not paddling around the room collecting whatever he seemed to think was so bloody necessary so early in the morning and definitely not getting dressed.

On their way to school however, Arthur felt confident that this year would be great. Merlin walked the first half of their way close to his side and let his hand brush against Arthur's now and then. He asked if they could go on a date next weekend giving Arthur that shy expression he had discovered just last night. Even the wet snow and about zero degrees seemed magical to Arthur at the moment.

"Since when have you considered going to a therapist?" Merlin asked just when the school came into view. Arthur wanted to tell Merlin he had the worst timing ever, but he could see and hear from his tone that Merlin had wanted to ask this the whole morning, maybe the whole time since Arthur had mentioned it to Morgana.

"I lied" he said matter of factly. He had been relieved that Merlin hadn't said anything in front of Morgana and forgotten it soon after as that was what it had obviously been: a lie.

"Huh?" Merlin was confused and Arthur felt something in between annoyed and embarrassed. "I'm not going to sit on a couch and talk about my childhood to a complete stranger" he said emphatically and gave Merlin a stern look.

"But you said-" Merlin started but Arthur just talked over top of him. They were almost at the parking lot and Arthur could see Oliver's car. "You quit therapy too. I'll pretend to consider it when you start going again" he said hoping Merin would drop it, but he persisted. "But you said-" and this time Arthur turned around and placed his hand on Merlin's shoulder, cutting him off once more by stating "That Morgana and I have been raised that way. I just said what she needed to hear."

Merlin just stared at him. Arthur flashed him a grin and patted Merlin's cheek lightly before he turned around and called Oliver who was over in the parking lot. "What about not piling it all up on my shoulders?!" Merlin shouted after him and Arthur laughed "Tough luck, you just have to live with it!"

"Clotpole!" was the only reply he got.

"You planning on getting on Merlin's nerves this year too?" Oliver asked him when he joined Arthur. Arthur glanced behind him and saw Merlin waving at Vivian, whose driver had driven her right there next to Merlin. Merlin was smiling a full smile and when Vivian started to talk, he too glanced at Arthur and their eyes met. For just a moment there was something tender in Merlin's eyes and Arthur understood. 'I love you too' he thought before he turned to look at Oliver again.

"Yes, definitely." he answered to his clearly clueless friend before he changed the topic to football. Yes, this year he would work his hardest and someday his friends would see him and Merlin for everything they really meant to each other.

---

A/N Astro Boy, the comic that teaches us that even if someone is different they might have feelings... and that it's alright to be different if you save the world at least once before you turn ten :D ... Seriously speaking, I love comics from that time period, I just need to read them remembering the time they were made, in between two world wars and slightly after.

But yeah, a long wait, a long chapter and a lot of thinking. I hope that at least some of you enjoyed it, but hey! At least there are no too many spelling mistakes for this one because I had a beta for this chapter! A huge thank you for MalteseFalconM! I hope we can work together with the next chapter too!

The next chapter or two (I haven't yet decided if I will cut it in two parts, even the raw version I have almost ready is too long...) will present Mithian and more Morgana, some drama and some more fluff. This story is seriously dragging and it's too long, just too long, but hey, this is my hobby now and if even one person enjoyed reading this chapter too, then I have used my time well :)

Have a great spring everyone, hope to see you again soon!

-L

mersan123 Hi! Great that you enjoyed it :) Yes, Morgana was quite out of control, angry, bitter... Merlin kind of lost t because he knows he has gone through the same, he has had less time to learn to cope and even if he knows how much he has to thank his support group for how well he is doing at the moment, it just hurts and annoys a hell (sorry) out one when someone has failed to do the same and don't even seem to realize it... They all had luck it all turned out so well (or my obsession of a happy ending more than luck, but whatever...) Arthur and Merlin still have a long way to go in good and bad, but yes, some issues needs to be cleared. But yes, that Arthur can also lean on Merlin when he needs it is very important. I think that even in a normal (did I really use a word 'normal'?, anyway, you know what I mean.) relationship there are time when both need to feel secure that can have support, that they can be weak at times. Both Merlin and Arthur need support and if they can gee it to one other, that is great. Of course they need others too, it is very arduous to just share someone's problems between the someone and you. I'm happy was able to make you feel like you got an extra Christmas present, I hope you had an awesome Christmas!

Greedy Reader Hello Friend! Yes, Morgana is testing Arthur, not very logically or even consciously, but she too is testing her boundaries. We will get back to what is going on in Morgana's head, but for now, let's just say that she was way more stressed of meeting her brother than Arthur was. That's why she tried to keep the upper ground in every way she could. She bought Morgause without telling Arthur, she tried to act like she wasn't affected, she was late, dismissive, even abusive. But she needs friends and she needs Arthur, the last one who she can call family (besides Morgause who btw was the girl Morgana kissed to annoy Uther. Arthur remembered distantly someone blonde being present when he saw his father hit Morgana.). She was, and maybe still is in a state where she can't really say what she want's from Arthur, what she want's to be to Arthur and what she can be for Arthur. That confusion made her angry about well, anything really. In the show I kind of thought that Merlin really knew the best what Morgana was going through, but when she turned evil, he never forgave her even if he knew why she had turned like that. Merlin had a better support group, he had luck and he had a purpose, but still, he had managed to stay hidden, search for the right people to be his friends, and most of all, stay kind and compassionate. So, I figured he would also in my version be somewhat annoyed to see how she treated Arthur. That's why he snapped, but as it happened, Morgana didn't walk away, but chose to show her more vulnerable side - they will get along in the future ;) Oh! So you are one of those who like Mergana! I have to say that they do make sense and I would have so much wanted to see them more as friends in the show (I didn't really even like the romance stuff in the original show that much actually, I don't actually like shipping characters that are clearly very good friends, but I have no idea why I have made an exemption here... :P ) Morgause is also nice in my version, because I love happy endings. :D Then Arthur... Yes, he was so stressed. Even if he's not burned out at the moment, he has so much pressure to be so many things all the time, that a nice holiday after such a tiring day... well, you can imagine how much Arthur wanted just exactly that: relaxed time with nothing to do somewhere where he can't do anything for the regular school and football and on top of that, Merlin was relaxed too. Just hours before he had been so much stronger and handled something far better than Arthur and now he was just next to him and happy. It was somehow a moment where Arthur understood how simple being happy like that was and so it's quite hard to just dismiss it and go back to being stressed. He doesn't even need sex or anything like that. He just wants to act like Merlin's boyfriend without fear and worry. I guess that's something quite a many homosexuals go through. Stupid world. Ah! Hunith is home, this was Arthur's and Merlin's first trip alone ;) (To me, they are seventeen. I went to my first trip with a mixed gender group of friends (I didn't have anyone at the time, but few of my friends were couples) abroad, when I was 16 and first time to camping when I was 14, so... This could be different in some cultures...) Yes, I'm from Finland. So now you are 1/4 part of my kind mentally... I can't congratulate you because we Finns tend to thing ourself a bit... well, read scandinavian and the world. I am quite late, but hey, Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year! Friend :)

Janson is a stupid name, Aithusa is far better! Especially if the fur ball is white. Does a partner count as a pet? If so then yes, but no animals. Sadly I'm too much out of the house for one :/

Thank you so much for your very kind wishes for all of us, I hope every single one of them comes true :) I agree that the last year sucked monkey balls but what can we do? Try to better ourselves, as you said. You sure are right that these 'mini-conversations' are unusual way of communicating and it is a bit funny to call someone a friend whom name or even nationality I don't know, but hey, we still know one another in a way and who said that wasn't a definition of a friend?

Angel Dove1 You were so right! Morgana was late and Merlin definitely let Arthur battle his battles until he himself snapped :D Ah, yeah, Morgause, I wanted to keep her as her half sister because first of all it fit well in my story and second, I don't like when some writers mess up the original family ties in ff. I'm always at least a little bit 'why, why?!' every time I start to read a fix where Freya is Merlin's sister or ... I have more examples to this, but I just can't remember more right now :P Anyway, I think you get the idea :D I hope you liked what I did with the owner of the inn in this chapter, this is kind of something I think quite a many gay- and even straight couples have witnessed. My friend (girl) once told me she and her boyfriend had to change their accommodation because some guests started to be very rude at them, like they were there just for sex and 'most probably without their parents permission, when in fact they were visiting her boyfriend's grand mother who was supposed to have them in guest room but then she had some water damage so she paid them to go to a band b nearby... people seriously sometimes... And Arthur, yes, he is dong extremely well taking it all in to consideration, but of course it's hard when you are doing that all yourself, not getting nearly enough answers or advise and then on top of it he can't even be openly happy of what he has... And what feels the unfairest of all, is that if Merlin was a girl, there would be no problem. How is that fair? ... Merlin in satin. That was an impulse on my part, but hey, who wouldn't want to see Merlin in satin and give him a hug. Imagine his face then! :D Happy New year to you too even if it's seriously late!

Larvitar ch.40 Wow, thank you so much! I know what you mean and besides, I wanted to make a happy recovery story (sounds weird but I think you understand what I mean :) ) in deatil and so it would have also been quite depressing to read me going on and on about Merlin taking step forward and step back all the time. I also want to give hope to those who have gone through something like this and remind the rest that even if it's hard work, recovery is always possible. That's why I thought that Merlin's character fit the story very well in the first place :P It's so nice that you have taken your time to write me this many reviews, so a huge thank you for each and every of them! I hope you enjoyed this new chapter :)

ch.44 You are so sweet! Yes, I'm better :) I'm just super busy right now because it messed up my school (which was already on the edge because of the time I have used for this story... My own fault, but I kind of pushed every deadline and then I got sick... you can imagine.) I have kept your words in mind when I have been feeling bad that I'm this late, again, you are so sweet!

Kaz the king ch. 3 Tight, right, working on that! I don't know why it's so hard for me to remember that one...

ch.5 Yep. G, c and th/ht. Impossible, I tell you. Great that you like the story, I hope you like this chapter, there shouldn't be mistakes like that now thanks to my amazing beta!

ch.12 I had to read ch.12 again for this comment... I read quite a lot of childhood depression (that as a term, means depression for under 18 years olds) and children in general show signs of depression very differently than adults. Merlin, in this chapter was frightened to go to sleep, do anything else that read some driving theory until midnight, mention his friends, physical contact... not to mention that this was one of the first chapters Merlin was self harming. Scratching is one quite common sign that a child or teen strongly hates their own body, themselves. Acting out, while also a normal part of being teenager, is not a sign of balanced mind either. Especially towards friends and to fight about something Merlin really didn't even want to talk about. Like for an example if you compare a teen snapping to someone who keeps asking if banana is yellow / shouting to their face that bananas are blue and thinking at the same time 'what the hell am I doing..' It's kind of a sign of losing one self. Dramatic mood changes for seemingly no reason, fear of strangers, actually pleading for the abuse to stop, more cutting... Merlin was so not alright in this chapter, but people are also quite good at hiding things like this. It's the survival mode where one can live on the edge and still show almost normal face. That was what I wanted to write about at that part of the story. I hope this long rambling answered to some of your questions, if not don't hesitate on asking :)

ch. 14 I think this we already talked about. Thank you for your understanding and concern.

ch. 17 About this I also wrote a reply for you, I am not going to add trigger warnings for they are already in the story summary. I think it would take out some of the shock value I want to keep in order to make an impact and raise awareness of the topic. I hope you have not felt that there was a nasty surprise in any part of the story and if you feel I have missed a warning, please tell about them to me and I will add them to the summary.

MalteseFalconM Thank you so much for the great compliment and all the work you did for this chapter! I have already thanked you, but I'm not sure I can thank you enough. So once more: Thank you!