1 of 6

by Laureles

Merlin is happy when his mother remarries, but finds out soon his life controlled by the man he would have to call his family. While finding about his sexuality, about his feelings, Merlin gets confused, ashamed and hurt. There seems to be no way out. Slow-build Merthur, Happy ending! Warnings: Child abuse, multiple rape, yaoi, selfharm.

54. Chapter 54 - Tattoo

It should have been easy. Merlin knew exactly what he needed to do, he had known for a long time now it seemed, and there was no lack of will from his part. His goal was set and he knew what he needed to do in order to get there.

Or at least he knew for the first, maybe, two days.

It all should have been simple really, he had told that to himself enough times when he had sat alone in his corner of the closet. He needed to be more open, relax a little, talk to his friends more, dare to make new friends and remember that he was better than he sometimes believed he was. He needed to collect himself and pull himself together, trust his friends and stop whining. He needed to look Arthur straight in the eye and admit that he did want him even if he had flaws and that he loved him and wanted to be there for him, even if he at times shut down from the world and needed to be alone. He needed to get better. All this he had known and now he had had the final push, to have courage to actually try. And when he would try, really try, he would change and return to how he had been once upon a time, before... and he should have started ages ago, Merlin had seen that. So he was trying his hardest. And it was way scarier than he had ever anticipated.

When the first weekend after Christmas holidays ended, Merlin was so scared that he felt paralysed. In everything he had done during the week, nothing had felt easy or simple. He was mentally tired and he remembered in sharp detail every time he had made a fool of himself (in his opinion) and, all in all, he didn't feel like he knew what direction he was supposed to go anymore. Still, the worst was a slowly, but surely, creeping feeling that he might have been wrong about all this from the beginning.

What if there was no way of returning to the person he had been? What if, deep down, he was too broken to be mended? What if all that had happened was a burden too heavy to lift during this lifetime? What if what he was underneath it all wasn't something even remotely likeable or someone even Merlin himself recognised? And if what he was doing now failed, would there be anything else he could do? This was the last chance and realising that almost made Merlin drop it all and curl under his bed for the rest of his life.

But he couldn't. One look at Arthur's face and he knew he couldn't. He had promised, and even if Merlin felt like curling up into a sobbing mess, he didn't dare when Arthur kept looking back at him like he could somehow see something good in all Merlin did. Once, Merlin almost yelled at Arthur that he didn't seem to know him that well at all when Arthur dared to say something about how he was proud of Merlin for stepping into the locker room for the first time when there were still people changing after football. In reality, Merlin had just been so out of it that he had forgotten where he was and he hadn't thought up any excuse to turn on his heels after having already opened the door.

It all felt like stumbling in the dark really, and even if Merlin had felt all right during Christmas holidays, it seemed that returning to school was somehow harder every day. While Arthur seemed to be happy to get back to school, Merlin started to feel like he actually hated school. He wasn't sure anymore if it was just this school or everything in general to do with highschool life.

The weekend was way too short, but encouraged by Arthur (who didn't seem to mind when Merlin babbled about all of his concerns and fears at least five times to him in no particular order while clinging to Arthur's shirt on Saturday morning) Merlin woke up on Monday and told himself 'don't think', before rising up and continuing what he had started the last week.

After that Merlin kept it simple. He tried to relax when he felt scared and that turned out to be a surprisingly good idea. Somehow, telling himself to relax and that it wasn't that big of a deal actually made him feel better and become more relaxed, he set some other rules for himself as well.

He knew he shouldn't hide from the world so much, so he forbade brooding in the closet. He knew he should be more open with his friends, so he made an attempt to talk with them more about personal things as well. He knew he should stop dwelling on the past so he scolded himself whenever he did. He knew that he wanted to advance his relationship with Arthur and so he tried to get rid of his bad habits. When Arthur said something nice, Merlin tried to say something back. When Arthur took his shirt off, Merlin didn't look away. And when he felt like he wanted to be closer to Arthur, he moved himself to sit next to or even hug Arthur. He fantasised about giving Arthur a kiss when he wasn't expecting it, but Arthur didn't keep still long enough for Merlin to find the time to get his courage together to do it. But he was determined to do it one of these days. Tomorrow, maybe.

After the second week of school, Merlin was so tired he couldn't even sleep properly. When he lay next to Arthur, even after Arthur's breathing grew slow and even, Merlin could only hear his own heart pounding too fast and too loudly. One morning he was ready to just give up. Admit that there was no way to cure himself and that he was tired of trying. But that day also ended with himself next to Arthur, Arthur's arm under Merlin's pillow and goodnight kiss as tender as it had been every night those two weeks. And that night Merlin forgot to tell himself 'don't think too much'. He just didn't, and he slid his left arm across Arthur's bare chest, moving from curling at Arthur's side to actually hugging him.

Arthur's face lit up and he hugged Merlin back and gave Merlin one more kiss (that was not entirely tender) and just like that Merlin slept through the night and the next day didn't seem as bad anymore. After that, Merlin somehow started to find a rhythm. Even if the rhythm was more or less just surviving things that felt like they could be the last straw in the heat of the moment and then, afterwards, thinking that he was just being stupid. But if it an ill-timed eyeroll from Vivian, or a failed attempt at making conversation or an unexplainable feeling that the outside world was dangerous, Merlin slowly learnt that at the end of the day those feelings would shift and that even if they didn't entirely go away, Arthur would always be there. Arthur, who was safe and warm and kissed him goodnight, who Merlin couldn't fail this time. It wasn't an option. Telling Arthur that he had given up was even more frightening than anything he could ever think of. So he did his best.

And one day, not even five weeks after their Christmas holidays had ended, Merlin realised that it wasn't so bad anymore.

He didn't stay awake for hours so often anymore, the nights rapidly becoming the best part of his days and, after a well slept night, rising up wasn't that bad anymore. Going to school didn't feel like it physically hurt, even when he knew there were people there who would want to talk with him or, even worse, that one day they wouldn't anymore. Some of the things he had been stressing didn't impact him as much anymore. Somehow he didn't think he would disappoint his mother that often anymore and he didn't feel like he was doing anything wrong when he played with Aida and when Jordan said "Well, everyone knows you think Liam is an idiot..." Merlin somehow just forgot Liam existed in the first place. He didn't even remember what had been Jordan's point, but Merlin felt he liked Jordan the most out of the team after that one comment. Somehow, like, Jordan understood him.

In just five weeks Merlin noticed he hadn't dreamt that many nightmares and that he felt a bit stronger, a bit more confident and somehow he felt he saw things clearer. He could see how Arthur smiled at him and he could see how stupid he had been. Yes, he just needed to keep going and one day he would feel normal. To even think he could be the same person he had been, that had just been naive, but also, it didn't seem to be such a big loss anymore. He wasn't broken after all and that felt so good that after smiling half of the day, Merlin broke down sobbing against Arthur's shoulder in the evening.

That night he slept like a log.

Then came the Valentine's baking weekend with Vivian and that really was some kind of turning point for Merlin. First of all, he found a friend he hadn't counted on. After learning she had known about him and Arthur and about Merlin's sexuality, Merlin started to understand her much better and that made his school days that much more fun. He found that he could talk at school. With Gwen and Vivian, like a real group of friends. Merlin of course never mentioned anything 'straight', but he found that Gwen was really interested in every innuendo he could attempt to slip into some part of their conversation. Vivian seemed pleased to hear them, maybe just because she could catch the meaning and she knew Merlin knew she understood what he was implying, but still. It gave him confidence that he had friends who, as cliche as it made himself to feel admitting it, he could gossip with. That he could talk like he was dating and it was not just accepted but encouraged. It was nice. In their lone table in the school cafeteria Merlin could be openly gay with his two girl friends.

Somewhere along this he also started to really feel that he hadn't been just lucky with finding a few people who accepted him as he was. He understood that it couldn't be good luck finding tolerant people, that they couldn't be so rare after all, because of Vivian. She certainly wasn't someone he had been lucky to find. She had just somehow added herself to Merlin's life over a long period of time and now he was stuck with her. And something in all that made Merlin start to cultivate a thought that maybe he hadn't been extremely lucky to find friends, that maybe he had just been very unlucky to have met Uther. That actually Uther had been the rare one and the world was actually a lot safer a place than Merlin had grown to believe it was. Even if cultivating this thought would still take Merlin many years, just acknowledging it let some of the weight fall from his shoulders.

Realising how close he actually was to Gwen and Vivian also made Merlin see that he hadn't, after all, done so horribly with the team either. Arthur's friends seemed to tolerate him and, in particular, Jordan, Elyan and Oliver talked to him in hallways and invited him to places and parties and what not. Merlin had usually refused to go anywhere, but now he promised to be at Jordan's birthday party and invited Elyan to swim with him and Gwen sometime. He had even been added to the team's messenger group, and he really felt flattered about that even if he couldn't make himself write anything in it. That just felt too awkward and he had no idea how to talk to them as a group, to write something that every one of them would see and judge when Merlin couldn't even see their faces and reactions. He also wasn't a fan of using his phone or even carrying it with him when not necessary, but at times he read what was being said there. It felt almost like spying on them, but a safe way of studying how normal male specimens interacted.

On Valentine's day Merlin was in high spirits and he managed to act almost naturally (even in his own opinion) when he dumped a box of football shaped cookies in the middle of the team's table during lunch and declared that one of them was poisoned. He even managed not to blush in front of them when he saw how greedily the cookies disappeared, he felt pleased and had a quite fluffy feeling inside of him. It was actually a feeling he later cherished. Of course he didn't think of any of them in a romantic way, he had Arthur after all, but it was still somehow flattering to get that kind of, just a little bit different, attention from a bunch of popular boys. This he told Gwen when they were safely in her room one afternoon after swimming and Elyan (one of the popular boys) was at work. It made Gwen giggle and tell Merlin how he was actually more popular than he thought and teased him how he would be even more popular if he wasn't such an introvert. Merlin didn't really believe that and he wasn't so sure what exactly Gwen meant by 'introvert', but it was still nice to hear such things from his friend, who he had noticed had also managed to relax more around him. Much like Arthur, she didn't seem so careful around him anymore and just having fun with topics like this didn't make Merlin so uncomfortable anymore either.

Still the best part had been Valentine's Day evening with Arthur. After lunch with his mother, Merlin and Arthur closed themselves in their room. It had been Arthur who had suggested they stay home, which had been a relief for Merlin. He had half hoped/half feared the idea of going out on Valentine's Day and after Arthur's suggestion, Merlin had decided that the very idea of a public date on the most romantic night of the year (even if it was a Monday) felt dangerous. Besides, even though it was just their room, it still felt like a date to Merlin.

Arthur had taken it upon himself to buy some cakes and other sweets from a bakery that had a very fancy logo and he gave Merlin a soft, light gray blanket (the colour had been approved by Morgana) to use on the couch and a book to go with it. A book which Merlin remembered mentioning and never got to read but Arthur had remembered. After that his box of cookies seemed plain and stupid, but Merlin still managed to give them to Arthur who smiled like he was truly happy. The box was full of stars and 'footballs' and, because he had been encouraged by Gwen, the best of the hearts had 'Arthur' written on top.

After being wrapped into his new blanket they had eaten too much cake, laughed and talked. Merlin loved how Arthur enclosed him in an embrace over his new blanket and how close they were the whole evening. It felt like it had been forever since they had been close like this and Merlin just then realised he had been too wrapped up in his mission to act more normal that he hadn't noticed Arthur had not asked to do anything like they had in the bath that one time.

Sure, it had been good that he hadn't, Merlin was quite sure he hasn't been in the right mood nor would he have been able to handle it well, but today, he felt differently. Today, he wasn't sure what Arthur had planned or thought about the direction this night was heading, but he also felt that he would do anything for Arthur if he wanted it. He didn't know how to convey that to Arthur, he certainly wouldn't say it out loud, so he moved to finally give Arthur the kiss he had planned for.

They ended up kissing for a long time, a time which seemed to just slip by. Feeling Arthur's lips on his was the sweetest feeling for Merlin. His heart grew warm and the world around him was forgotten. He was in a safe, warm cocoon of blanket in Arthur's embrace, breathing in the air that escaped Arthur's mouth. His heart felt connected to his mouth and he felt the fondness and love for every millimeter that was Arthur, within his every cell. He felt a need to be as close as possible so when he couldn't figure out any other way, Merlin softly licked Arthur's bottom lip and when Arthur gasped ever so slightly, Merlin licked in between Arthur's lips and into his mouth.

In theory it should have been weird, even a bit gross, to lick someone's tongue, but it just felt good and somehow natural, normal, right… Technically they had done this before, but somehow not like this and, besides, it had been such a long time ago. They had been so careful for so long and for a moment there Merlin couldn't remember why. For a moment Merlin felt that he didn't want to be careful anymore.

When the kiss eventually ended, Arthur placed his hands on Merlin's cheeks and rested their foreheads together. He looked at Merlin with glassy eyes and in a way that made Merlin's bones feel like jelly and his heart swell. His voice felt a bit hoarse when he whispered "I love you so much..."

"I know... I love you too." Arthur whispered back and pulled back a little, just to see Merlin better it seemed as he kept his hands still but his eyes moved across Merlin's face while he kept smiling. Merlin blinked at him, but he couldn't help but smile a stupid, wide smile back.

"Mmm... you seem so much better... I can't tell you how happy that makes me." Arthur finally said with a quiet and loving tone when he finally looked Merlin in the eyes again. There was something so very intense in the warmth Merlin felt within those words that he had to look away. He might have blushed when he thanked Arthur before they nuzzled as close as they could and ate even more cakes.

The day ended with the words "You make me happy." and the simple reply of "You make me happy too." In the end they didn't do anything more, but what kept Merlin awake for a while longer, smiling to himself as he rested his head on Arthur's chest, were the words 'you seem better'.

Merlin had been right after all, he just needed to try and he had gotten better. He had been afraid for nothing, it had been just five weeks and he wasn't broken and he would get even better than this. Those were the thoughts he started his week with.

The next day Merlin felt that everyone could see that he had been kissed last night, even if he knew that they couldn't (or maybe because of that) he felt a bit smug and a bit proud of himself. Somehow he stood a bit taller. With new determination, Merlin continued what he had done for the last five weeks and started to look for more things that could help him be better.

He started to talk more and he promised to be there for more get togethers and whatnots when asked. He took on more responsibilities at home and he started to help Gaius with his garden again. He dared to tell that his Valentine's Day had been a 'bit more than he had expected' and thank Vivian for her 'very thoughtful idea' of cookie shapes to which Gwen replied in a similar manner. Their discussion ended with 'but I expect he was a proper gentleman?' to which Gwen replied that she wasn't sure 'If I'm entirely happy about that, but yes' to which Vivian expressed her opinion on gossipping. Merlin went to great lengths to deny that he had anything to even do with the word gossip.

That was really the easy part, and Merlin was finally getting back to the starting point of all this: learning to act more naturally with Arthur. Physically and mentally, in their own room at the very least. It might have been weird that Merlin had kind of left this to last and he had thought of it many times, but in the end it had been for the best. Merlin could now see the spring more clearly and he had to admit that if he had taken more chances with Arthur, he might have ruined it all. While Merlin had been blind to mostly anything but his fear of being incurable or pushing himself in the wrong direction, or even that there was no direction to begin with, it seemed that to Arthur he had looked like he knew what Merlin was doing and that was a huge relief. Besides, being close to Arthur felt like a reward Merlin only now had earned and that made it easier than it had been a week ago.

And so Merlin found himself curled into Arthur's side far more often than in the past. It was addictive really and Merlin found that he basically spent his days going from one mandatory thing to another while searching for any opportunity to be near Arthur. At school, he was waiting to get home and hoping Arthur wasn't going anywhere and that nobody would visit them. At home, he grew impatient very quickly if Arthur didn't go to their room immediately, but when he did, Merlin found it surprisingly easy to just sit next to him and lean in. Arthur had gotten pretty hooked to the team's messenger and he was on his phone a lot more lately and that was alright with Merlin, he was just happy that Arthur was still and lean-against-able. At times he feared he was being too clingy, but he didn't dare ask, he was sure that repeatedly asking would be even worse and besides, most days Arthur moved his arm to hug Merlin close and tell him what was going on with the team that day. It felt nice, quiet and relaxing. Merlin was hooked, he just couldn't get enough of this intimate time with Arthur.

Merlin kind of thought it was a bit weird that Arthur hadn't asked for anything more, like that one time in their bath, but all in all Merlin was glad that he didn't. And if Arthur was alright with this, then what was the hurry? It was alright like this, right? It wasn't easy to keep the lurking doubts at bay, that maybe Arthur didn't want him that way. But on the other hand, imagining Arthur asking if they could have a bath again was an equally stressing thought and so Merlin just kept reminding himself how Arthur had looked after the last time. He had obviously wanted Merlin and he had seemed fine, even happy when Merlin had, well, that was a thought Merlin never wanted to finish. It came with an odd mix of shame, embarrassment and something else that rose from his chest to his head and it made him want to cover his ears and chant loudly until he couldn't hear that thought any more. Usually, his solution was to nestle himself even closer to Arthur's side and try and think of nothing. That usually got him some kind of reaction from Arthur, even if Merlin never meant to cause one. Covering him with his new blanket and hugging him closer was the most common so Merlin was happy that Arthur seemed to think that he was cold and nothing else.

At the time Merlin felt he could continue like this forever. Just waiting for the next time to cuddle with Arthur, but soon he started to feel increasingly impatient. That was no surprise, Arthur was busy. He had finally managed to make their gym teacher invested in the team. It seemed that he had tried his hardest and burned himself out with some pretty hopeless teams for years and years and finally he had started to hate the whole sport, but now... he was getting on board. Slowly, and even at points clumsily, but Arthur had welcomed his help with open arms. Merlin on the other hand felt he had never hated this particular person so much than ever before. He refused to hand over any of his jobs and he was quite open about how he didn't trust him to do good work with the team. But as time moved on, Merlin had to admit that there was at least something good about the situation: Arthur got to play.

That lead to the main reason Arthur was so busy again: he needed to train. Fast and a lot. Even Merlin could tell he was out of practise and he could see even clearer how Arthur took it as a personal failure. The result being that, most days, Arthur would stay at the gym for an extra half an hour or so and after eating he would rest for only a short time with Merlin before disappearing to the park to run or kick his ball around until he needed to eat again.

Merlin didn't know what to do with himself at those times, so he either tagged along and hoped to be of some help trying to block Arthur's ball or found some more things for himself to do. Helping Gaius was something he could do almost endlessly and so was cleaning their house. He even made a plan for their garden and bought all the supplies he would need for it. His mother started to ask him if he wanted something more fun to do, a hobby or something and she even suggested therapy once, but Merlin refused, stating that he just liked being busy. But the truth was that he started to realise that he didn't have anything he wanted to do for himself. He couldn't risk not being home at the rare and irregular times when Arthur was and he just couldn't find himself that excited about anything. Even visiting Gwen felt like too much planning and asking for rides from Elyan and Arthur, so he didn't visit anyone other than Gaius and Gwaine too often.

But just when Merlin was about to start thinking that maybe what he was doing wasn't maybe the best in the long run, the tattoo artist called.

Merlin had first made the call just before they left to visit Morgana. He had stalled a little not knowing what to say and what to expect and fearing he would have to have his tattoo decided upon before he even made the call, but it had turned out that the tattoo artist Arthur had found was insanely booked out. That, of course, together with the fact that Arthur had picked her and that she was also insanely talented was something Merlin hadn't even thought about, but appreciated. He had also learned how the whole thing would happen and they had reserved him a time for the end of the school year. It had felt a bit late, but the only other available times had been during either school hours or some pretty important games and so Merlin had settled for getting the tattoo the next summer. And besides, then he would have almost endless time to decide what he wanted to tattoo to his skin for the rest of his life. Or maybe not, as he had first postponed the thinking process and then just forgotten it. And now he had the option of getting a tattoo in just two weeks because someone had cancelled. If he had decided on the design.

"Yes, that would be great, thank you!" Merlin blurted out. He wasn't sure why, but he couldn't help himself. This amazing woman, who clearly loved her profession, was calling him of all people. Merlin knew, of course, that he was just one customer, but he still felt that this woman, who sounded both cool and kind, had selected him. That she had somehow thought he was special enough to be called in early. "That is just brilliant! If you could come to my shop and show me a picture or sketch on Monday then we could discuss the details. This is your first tattoo, right?" Was the chipper reply and Merlin arranged a time for just after football, he would only have to leave half an hour early and in his momentary feeling, he babbled that to the tattoo artist, who called herself Zyr.

When the call ended, Merlin felt stupid for mostly everything he had said over the phone. He had zero idea what he wanted to tattoo and why did he have to make such a complete fool out of himself all the time?! Of course, the first concern won in the list of his issues and suddenly nothing was more important than the tattoo. It overshadowed how busy Merlin was. It made Merlin excited, almost obsessed, and nothing could ruin his mood. Arthur was there with him, happy to see how overjoyed Merlin was and even if he was a lot calmer, Merlin felt that he was equally as happy. They never said it out loud, but it was important to them that the scar was covered. It would be an act of burying something from the past forever and it felt good.

With selecting the tattoo, Arthur was no help. He seemed to trust that Merlin would find something, trust way too much in Merlin's opinion, and Merlin's own mind just came up blank. So it wasn't a surprise that Merlin couldn't even wait until lunch the next day to tell Gwen and Vivian about the tattoo and then ask for their opinion.

Gwen was not much help either. She told Merlin to find something that meant something to him and that he would know when he saw the tattoo he really wanted. Like Merlin hadn't known that already... And Vivian mainly kept giving him her favourite quotes from various books for days even if Merlin told her very clearly from the beginning that he didn't want a text based tattoo. He didn't say why, he had no real explanation apart from the fact that it wouldn't cover the whole scar. Vivian hadn't seen it and Merlin wanted to keep it that way. Still, telling his friends about the tattoo was an exhilarating experience and hearing encouraging feedback felt nice. Vivian's "To your shoulder blade... hmm, I like that." with uncharastically flirty tone felt surprisingly nice.

The next person Merlin talked with was Gwaine who, unsurprisingly, turned out to be the most helpful of them all. He asked Merlin if he wanted an abstract, more decorative tattoo or something like an animal or a symbol. He also provided Merlin with a book on the history of tattooing titled 'Around the world, tattooing in every culture'. Merlin skimmed through it at least ten times and even read some of the text and explanations, learning a lot more about the meaning of tattoos in different cultures. Some of the tribal tattoos, and especially the japanese ones, he liked a lot, but he didn't feel like a 'brave and victorious warrior' and tattooing a highly detailed dragon to his back felt a tad too embarrassing, even if they looked cool on the skin of the Yakuza men. He also didn't like the feeling that some people around the world considered these the mark of a criminal.

Gaius had no opinion on the design, he told Merlin quite openly what he thought of tattoos as he had seen a few gone horribly wrong and too many that had seemed like a good idea at the time, but on old, faded skin and as trends and lives changed they had looked horrible. As a doctor, his opinion was clear, but he understood Merlin's reasons and he showed real interest in seeing what Merlin came up with. Merlin knew Gaius was on his side. In the end, Merlin told Gaius about all he had learned from Gwaine's book on the rich culture and meaning behind tattoos. He somehow wanted to convince Gaius, he wasn't exactly sure of what or why, but he felt surprisingly passionate about it.

"It's nice to see you this excited about something Merlin." Gaius commented when Merlin finally ran out of things to say and confessed that he had of course mostly seen the worst cases and it might have affected his opinion on the subject. He also concluded that some of the colours and techniques had developed a lot since he (and his patients) had been young. Merlin was very happy to hear that, even if he didn't want to think about it, he was afraid of the needle and the thought of having to lie still when some stranger poked him with the said needle behind his back. But mostly he felt happy because Gaius was right. It had been a long time since Merlin had felt this excited about something that was his own. In the end the answer came to him as something obvious.

As his weekend turned to Sunday, Merlin started to panic a little. He should have started this search a lot sooner and he shouldn't have told Zyr he already had it figured out! He kind of knew he should send her a message as soon as possible and confess that he didn't know yet. Or maybe he could lie and tell her that he had had a plan, but that he had changed his mind and ask if he could come at the end of May after all? But he couldn't make himself do it. So he delayed it and started to clean. It became a nervous habit of not being able to concentrate anymore on the search, feeling he had tried everything and not being able to stay still, but Merlin didn't care.

His mother was already on his case, so Merlin stayed in his room. He started with their closet and when he had re-folded mostly everything and moved most of Arthur's gym clothes to the washing basket, he moved onto their desk. It was a disaster zone of two people's identical school work with two totally different ways of working and the drawers… there was so many small trinkets that they had just thrown in when they had first moved and then everything else that came from school or from the bottom of pockets just thrown on top. It was perfect for Merlin and he managed to forget the tattoo for about an hour while he sorted and threw some old papers and stuff away. Until, he found his father's pendant.

It was so obvious that Merlin knew the moment he recognised the box. The triskelion his father had worn from before he had met his mother. A token of a happy family in his home village, the stories his mother had continued telling him when he had been just a child…

When Arthur returned from his jog, he found a huge mess covering half of their floor and all over their desk and Merlin reading his tattoo book, his phone in his other hand and looking like Christmas had come again. There were not many things in Arthur's world that made him truly relax at the moment, but seeing Merlin excited about something was one of them. So, understandably, Arthur briefly made fun of the mess before slumping next to Merlin and listened very carefully to everything Merlin told him.

---

"Can you stop that." It wasn't a question, Arthur was not in the mood to ask. "What?" Merlin asked as he wasn't doing anything, they were sitting in Arthur's car, there was nothing to do. "The drumming, you are making me anxious." Arthur replied sounding a notch more irritated. 'Oh... that' Merlin thought and moved his hands to his lap. He had been drumming the handle of the door on his side, hadn't he?

"... Look, it's alright to be nervous. I'm-" Arthur sighed and started with a more gentle tone while still keeping his eyes on the traffic in front of them. "I'm not nervous." Merlin cut him off before he had to hear the rest. "Then stop drumming!" In Merlin's opinion Arthur seemed to be the one who was nervous, but he had started to drum his knee instead and so he sat on his hands and said nothing.

Merlin wasn't nervous. They were in Arthur's car, driving very slowly through Thursday afternoon traffic near the central area of town and Merlin had long ago passed that point.

Meeting Zyr had been an experience. She had turned out to be maybe the most hard to categorize person Merlin had ever met. He knew it was the small village background in him talking, but he had almost wanted to ask 'what are you?'. He hadn't, of course, but he had wondered. And maybe told it all to Will the first chance he had gotten as he was the only one he believed would understand his point of view. She was a short woman, shorter than Merlin even with her alarmingly high high heels. She had worn leather pants and a shirt that did nothing to hide her very ample chest (Merlin had been able to see the edge of her bra and he hadn't even been looking!) and curvaceous figure. She had more tattoos than anyone Merlin had even seen, starting from her wrists and disappearing to her rolled up sleeves only to reappear again from her neck line and rising as up her neck. Her hair was cut short on one side and the other had long spikes that barely reached her neck, and it had all been coloured bright purple. In short, she was the most womanly and the most unwomanly woman Merlin had ever seen wrapped up in an almost dangerous look. But above all, she had to be the nicest, most excited tattoo artist there was in the whole world.

She had looked at Merlin's poorly drawn picture like it was the best artwork she had ever seen. She listened Merlin with interest and taken a photo of Merlin's pendant. She had made Merlin feel so comfortable that before he realised, he had had a mug of coffee in his hand and he had told her nearly everything about his scar and how much he wanted it to be covered. Everything but the real cause of the scar and Zyr didn't ask. He had even shown it to her without thinking much of it.

In the end she had suggested adding a background to the triskelion after Merlin had confessed he didn't think he wanted that big of a tattoo and the only problem with the triskelion was that the center would have to be the part to cover the scar. To Merlin's utter relief it had only taken about ten minutes for Zyr to ask all the right questions to make Merlin mention how he loved how light came through dark green summer leaves and that was it, Zyr had promised to draw him a draft of the tattoo and send it to him in a few days. They then set the date before she told Merlin everything he needed to know about tattoo aftercare. If it hadn't been for Arthur, who had also left football early to drive Merlin, he would not have wanted to leave at all.

The draft design had come in just two days in the middle of math and ever since then Merlin had had trouble of not looking at it at least once every hour. It was perfect. He had no idea how Zyr had done it, but it looked like something Merlin had wanted but had had no idea how to express. The triskelion was drawn in sharp black and it was shaped exactly like his father's pendant and the leaves encapsulated looking up from a forest floor on a sunny August day, but the best part was the light. There was no actual rays of light drawn, but the mix of golden-like yellow with so many shades of green made the picture somehow look bright. It looked like it had been made from watercolours and Merlin spent countless moments wishing that the ink would look the same, even though he doubted it really would.

After that Merlin had had time to get himself afraid of the needle, hyped of the fact that he was getting the tattoo, worried about the people talking when Arthur would leave football early two times with Merlin in a short period of time (Arthur had just announced that he would drive Merlin the next time too, leaving no room for any kind of discussion), so very happy that he wouldn't be alone, proud of himself for coming up with the design for the tattoo in time for the first session, anxious of having to lie his back bare on a table and so very worried he couldn't do it after all.

Zyr had said that if at any time he decided that the tattoo was anything less than perfect, they could postpone the session and rethink the design and Merlin had believed her, but at this point Merlin would rather she and Arthur tied him to the table and completed the tattoo if he got hysterical, but that was not an option. Not when Zyr had also reminded him that if it became too much emotionally or if the needle felt too painful on the scarred skin, they would immediately stop the tattooing. It had been meant to set Merlin's mind at ease, but now Merlin was sure he had no option than appearing anything else than calm. So he was not worried. Or nervous. He felt like he was standing on the edge of a very steep cliff telling himself not to look down. Just stand very still.

The tattoo parlour came into their vision too soon and they had luck finding a free parking space just behind the shop. Stepping through those doors felt harder than it had any right to feel, but Zyr and her very private and comfortable working space provided Merlin the room to find his excitement of actually getting the tattoo done today. Arthur talked with Zyr like they were old friends and while Merlin felt as awkward as usual taking his shirt off, the focus wasn't on him so it was alright.

While Merlin tried to get comfortable lying on the tattooing table, Zyr told him once more what she was going to do, how everything was sterile and how the inks she would use would just now be opened for him. It felt a bit of a waste to Merlin, but Zyr had explained how everyone deserves clean ink and if he ever went someplace else and they didn't do that for him, he should be out the door running.

"Are you feeling nervous about the needle?" She asked when she had washed Merlin's shoulder and put on a mask and sterile gloves, got everything ready and somehow managed to magic a mug of coffee into Arthur's hand. "Does it hurt a lot?" was out of Merlin's mouth before he could stop himself, but Zyr just smiled. Merlin could see that even while she was wearing a mask.

"One would think so, it will pierce your skin after all and everyone describes it a bit differently, but I'm sure it doesn't hurt nearly as much as whatever gave you that scar." she said with light tone and before Merlin could start remembering how he had gotten the scar she continued "And look, all these I have made myself." and pointed at various tattoos on her left hand and Merlin could just stare.

"I'll first start lining from outside your scar and I will make the triskelion first." She said and Merlin only partly registered her words. He was so mesmerized at the details he just now saw while looking at Zyr's left arm that she had left in Merlin's clear view and he barely noticed when it started. And when it had already started, it really wasn't that bad. The needle moved with a steady rhythm and Zyr's hand was stable and warm. When the needle moved over the edge of the scar, it almost felt like a personal revenge on Uther. Merlin was sure he would not be happy that he was getting a tattoo and that it was making the last visual mark of his abuse disappear.

Time became meaningless. The sound of the tattoo gun adding to a sensation that was something in between pain and something vibrating on his shoulder, mixed with the scent of coffee and the soft feeling of Arthur's thumb moving slowly across his knuckles made Merlin find an almost meditative state of not being able to think of anything until he realised that Arthur was, in fact, holding his hand.

His body was relaxed and heavy and he was very much conscious of the fact that he had a needle poking at his shoulder, but his eyes opened wide and darted a look at Zyr's face. She seemed as focused as before and eventually Merlin relaxed again. Maybe it wasn't that unusual... maybe many people who came for their first tattoo had someone to hold their hand? And maybe Arthur had introduced himself as Merlin's brother and Zyr just thought they were close? Or maybe... maybe she was alright with their relationship? Or maybe she didn't care either way. Merlin was quite sure that if he concentrated on anything as intently as Zyr concentrated on her work, he wouldn't even notice if Arthur was dressed as a clown. He then started thinking how he was a bit jealous of Zyr and wishing he would find something he was that passionate about to do when he was an adult.

However, after a certain point in time the needle started to feel really uncomfortable and Merlin could only concentrate to the fact that it hurt. He tried to hide it the best he could, but his skin felt over sensitive, and not just his back. Even Arthur's hand started to feel coarse and the touch unpleasant. After a time that felt both very long and afterwards too short, Zyr said that it was time to stop for the day. "The triskelion is now ready, but your skin is too broken to add all the colour, so I think it would be better if we continued another time."

It felt devastating. The tattoo wasn't ready and even if Zyr had made it sound like it wasn't entirely Merlin's fault, Merlin blamed himself. Was it the scar? Or was his skin weaker than normal skin? Or was it just that he hadn't managed to look like he was alright and that was the real reason Zyr had stopped? He felt ashamed and he couldn't meet the eyes of the woman who had done this a million times and even to her own arm.

Sitting up for Zyr to clean his shoulder felt weird. His body felt tired even when all he had done was lie down. He was cold. He felt it immediately after his stomach touched the air instead of the soft cushioning of the table and it spread from there, even if the room was warm. His skin continued to feel everything more acutely than it normally did, except for the area of the tattoo where Zyr applied something that felt cool and left it feeling numb. Finally, Merlin got some kind of plastic cover for the tattoo and a permission to put his shirt back on. Even the fabric felt harsh.

Zyr then provided Arthur a refill for his coffee and asked them to sit a moment in her shop while she cleaned. Merlin didn't want any coffee, he was hungry and by the time Zyr came back, his tiredness had spread from his limbs to his whole being. It felt horrible to hear that they would have to wait at least two to four weeks before they could apply the colour and that she preferred four. Merlin stopped paying attention at that point. Zyr had an open time in the beginning of April and Arthur took it, even though it was in the middle of football season. After that, Zyr told them both once more what to expect and how to take care of the healing skin for the next few days and weeks. Merlin had heard it already so he just half listened. He wished he had endured the pain better. He wished the tattoo was already complete.

When they finally walked out, Merlin's legs felt shaky. The air outside was freezing after the warm shop and Merlin was ready to drop any facade of being strong the second he was alone with Arthur. He wanted to eat and he wanted to whine how he had wanted the tattoo to be ready today but before he could, Arthur spun him to a hug and kissed him on the lips. In the middle of the street.

Merlin just blinked like an owl while Arthur took a step back looking at Merlin's face with bright eyes and laughed a little. "You did so well! I'm... proud of you." he said and finally averted his eyes a little and blushed. Merlin could only stare some more when Arthur started to tug him by his arm towards the car. Arthur didn't say things like that lightly and a warm, proud feeling bloomed inside Merlin's chest. It made him forget for a bit that he was cold and a blush spread across his cheeks. The street was quite empty and when Merlin looked, he saw that Zyr's store windows were covered with heavy purple curtains so he let his arm stay relaxed and allowed Arthur to guide him as he pleased.

When they closed the doors of Arthur's car, Arthur suggested they go eat something and Merlin didn't want to say no since Arthur had just said he was proud of Merlin. He didn't want to ruin that.

By the time they got home, Merlin wasn't sure if he was exhausted or just pathetic, but he felt like snapping at someone or something, anything really, and soon. He was overly full of Chinese food, his shoulder hurt, his back muscles were tired from sitting so that his shoulder wouldn't touch anything and he was cold again. So, in his own opinion, nothing was really wrong, just small things really and so Merlin tried to at least fein patience with his mother who wanted to hear everything.

It did not help that Arthur seemed to be his opposite. He was cheerful and had all the energy in the world. Merlin blamed the amount of coffee Arthur had consumed, but it was still too much to take. But the words 'You did so well...' kept Merlin from giving up completely. Those words meant so much to him and he couldn't let Arthur down. And what was it he wanted anyway? To climb onto Arthur's lap and whine while Arthur patted his head? Yes, actually, but that wasn't an option was it?

It was late when Merlin finally got to go to their room and before he could go to sleep the tattoo needed taking care of. Arthur was enthused to clean and tend the tattoo and well, his simple joy gave Merlin the final lift of energy he needed to smile tiredly at Arthur and get a little excited to see the triskelion.

But it was short lived. Taking his shirt off in their brightly lit bathroom made Merlin want to cry for no other reason than the discomfort he felt. Imagining being touched and having cold lotion on his skin made Merlin's stomach turn and when Arthur told him there was some leaked ink under the plastic, added to the sounds of getting everything ready, suddenly Arthur's hand was on the edge of the plastic cover and Merlin had no time to even say 'stop' before he just bent over and threw up in their sink.

Hot tears burned his eyelids as his stomach cramped the second time. He could hear Arthur take a hasty step back and it hurt. He had hoped he was past this. His head hurt because of the pressure and his shoulder hurt and there was so much to throw up and it tasted horrible, worse than he remembered. It must have taken only seconds for Arthur to call Hunith in a state of clear distress but it felt so long and still so short that Merlin managed to only whimper something he even himself couldn't tell what he was trying to get across. He knew he didn't want his mother there. He didn't want Arthur there. He hated this so much! He wasn't doing so well now and he hated himself for it. The bathroom light was humming and the light felt too bright. Merlin's head hurt.

"Merlin! Are you alright? Can I..." Arthur was back at his side and Merlin could hear his mother rushing up the stairs. "I'm sorry I should..." Merlin couldn't listen, he just wanted Arthur out! He opened the tap hastily and tried to get the remaining vomit out of sight. It was disgusting. It was like something of him was on display. 'You are pathetic, dirty' his head told him and it wasn't Uther's voice, it was his own.

"Oh Merlin... are you alright?" it was his mother this time and Merlin tried his best to get the mixture of bits and pieces of his dinner that couldn't go through the drainer in his hand and hide them from sight. The whole bathroom smelt acrid. "No, yes, I just need to use the toilet, can you go?" Merlin had no idea what he was saying, it made no sense and his mother just sighed, obviously knowing better than Merlin did and that hurt too. "Love, let me take care of it." She said and Merlin managed to nod and drop whatever it was he had in his hand and wash off before exiting the bathroom without looking anyone in the eye. His mouth tasted bitter. His throat hurt.

He would have wanted to cover himself with his blanket, but the tattoo was still uncovered and so he just covered his face with his hands and closed his eyes. When he felt the mattress dip next to him he managed to sacrifice his last piece of self-respect and mutter with a watery voice "Can you please take care of it, I can't see it..." before breaking down in sobs. "Of course" Arthur replied, placing a small kiss to his temple. Merlin sobbed harder.

It wasn't that bad. Arthur's hands were sure and gentle, even too gentle in Merlin's opinion. When his tears had stopped, Merlin felt physically better, but that was not a relief. It somehow made him feel worse that he had gotten so worked up over something that seemed like nothing now.

"Does it hurt?" Arthur asked at some point, and Merlin shook his head. He didn't care either way until he saw the cotton pad Arthur had used. It was stained with ink and Merlin realised that there was literally ink coming out of his skin.

"How does it look?" he asked, fearing the answer. What if the tattoo was coming off? Or if it had faded or if he had damaged it somehow? How many hours ago should he have lotioned it? What if he was too late? Why hadn't he listened Zyr better?!

"It looks good. I like it." Arthur answered gently, clearly not picking up what Merlin meant. "It's not- the ink is not coming off?" he asked hearing his voice shake. "No, it's just some excess ink, Zyr said it's normal, right?" Arthur's tone was reassuring and Merlin felt moved that Arthur had paid such good attention. He really cared, didn't he? The lotion felt cool and when Arthur placed on the see-through plastic film Merlin had gotten from Zyr for the first night on the tattoo, Merlin felt he could breathe better. It was... he just couldn't bear the thought of ruining the tattoo. Still, when Arthur tried to circle around him and look him in the eyes, Merlin turned his head. He felt ashamed and he couldn't look Arthur in the face. He just knew he would look worried or disappointed.

"Is it alright if I sleep on the couch tonight?" he managed to ask. He felt miserable and he didn't want to curl up next to Arthur right now. He didn't think it would make him feel any less miserable. The couch wouldn't either, that was for sure, but he didn't want to do anything idiotic anymore, like start crying on Arthur's chest or start babbling how something was wrong when he didn't even know what it was. He was so sick of himself doing that.

Hunith made the couch as comfortable as she could for Merlin and used some old sheets for Merlin's pillow and blanket so he wouldn't have to worry of possible ink stains. Arthur tried to act like everything was normal while helping as much as he could. It was his way of being considerate, Merlin thought, but he couldn't help but feel bitter of the fact that this actually was normal. His mother and Arthur having to drop everything for his meltdowns.

After brushing his teeth and changing into his pyjama pants and an old t-shirt without looking at Arthur, his mother or the now clean sink, Merlin managed to somehow convince his mother that he just wanted to sleep. He promised to eat a large breakfast and all that, but he still couldn't get rid of her before she had tucked him in and stroked his hair for a while. Arthur waited until Hunith was gone, but he wouldn't get the hint that Merlin just wanted to dwell on his own.

Arthur knelt next to Merlin and he too ran his fingers through Merlin's hair. It was somehow very different compared to his mother's very similar touch just a minute ago and Merlin didn't know if he wanted to lean into it or pull his head away. He didn't feel like he deserved something so comforting right now. His solution was to keep still and keep looking at a spot in the back of the couch cushion. "Good night..." Arthur said eventually, with an unsure tone that managed to feed Merlin's miserableness even further and when Merlin didn't reply (he didn't trust his voice not to tremble), he placed a small kiss on Merlin's cheek and went to their bed.

The night was a long one. Merlin was so used to falling asleep on his right side that lying on his back felt weird and, even if he trusted the plastic cover, he had hard time relaxing. He was afraid that more of the ink would ooze out of his skin if he moved or if there was too much pressure on the tattoo. In the end he turned to lay on his left side and that felt even more weird. Also, the couch felt short and too narrow. He had grown, but he was quite sure that not this much. His pillow was also too flat without Arthur's arm under it. Even when Merlin did fall asleep he slept lightly and woke up countless times for various reasons. He was so conscious of his position that he woke up every time he needed to turn. His legs kept slipping from under his blanket and then he woke up for being cold without Arthur's familiar heat and at some point of the night the tattoo started to itch, badly.

It was unreal how nerve wracking it was. Like having about a hundred mosquito bites in a concentrated area. And that area happened to be on his back where he couldn't see or reach and if his mother had told him not to scratch when he had been a kid, now he couldn't because of the tattoo. It was about four in the morning when he gave up on sleeping altogether. Arthur was fast asleep and sprawled across their whole bed, so Merlin wasn't too worried about him waking up when he paced around the room finding clothes, folding his blanket, changing, packing his backpack in a random order because he couldn't concentrate. At six o'clock he decided to lie down for a second and he slept until their alarm rang.

This time when Arthur took the plastic cover off, it felt like a huge relief. The cold air on the tattoo and the lotion helped with the itch and subdued it to a tolerable level. Breakfast and walking to school with Arthur felt awkward and when the day wore on, Merlin started to feel increasingly sleepy and the itch didn't help his mood. Arthur barely talked to him during the day and Merlin started to fear that he had angered Arthur. He wished the day would be over. His will to concentrate was next to nothing.

During lunch he had to pull himself together a bit when Gwen started to ask him concerned questions and so he complained about the itch and told her how he was ready to rip his own arm off and beat his back with it. It made Gwen laugh so it was good, but Merlin couldn't shake the feeling that he had just replaced lying with partial truths and black humour.

By the last class of the day, Merlin was ready to bang his head to his desk and yell in frustration. He would give up on football today, he thought, when time seemed to just linger around. He didn't want to deal with the whole team or the coach today. Besides, at this point of the day Merlin was happy that Arthur had left him mostly alone, this way he wouldn't have to get that worried because Merlin was sure he could pull himself together when he got home, but if he had to try that until five in the gym, he would just trouble Arthur.

For that same reason he didn't want to tell Arthur himself, actually he would be happy if he didn't have to see him until Arthur got home, so he planned to ask Jordan to tell Arthur he wouldn't be at practice after Arthur had stormed towards the gym the second the bell rang (as he did every day). He had a small window of time, because Jordan liked to take his time to walk to the gym with others from the team that were in the same class as them. At least he usually did, today Merlin managed to say as much as "Hey, Jordan-" when Jordan cut him off with a "Sorry Merlin, I have to run, see you at practice!" before he ran off. Merlin was so surprised that he shouted "Yeah!" to Jordan's back before he could think and so he was stuck. Pellinor urged Merlin to walk with him which was unusual too and Merlin realised only when he had already entered the gym that he could have also asked Pellinor to deliver the message. He was so stupid...

During the practices Merlin got next to nothing done. He could only concentrate on how his eyelids kept drooping and he mainly just moved some papers around and forgot to do half of what he normally did. He really just wanted to sleep for a bit and so he did. On the coach's very new (and comfortable) chair in the blissfully isolated box of an office Merlin boldly used whenever he pleased (and the coach never complained). He thought he would just close his eyes for a second, but when he opened his eyes again, the clock on the office's wall had jumped almost twenty minutes forward and Merlin's neck felt funny.

It felt weird, having been able to just fall asleep like this. In theory, Merlin would have thought he wouldn't be able to sleep anywhere else than in his (and maybe Gwen's) home, but thinking of it and listening to the very familiar noises of the group yelling, playing and running around, their sneakers hitting the floor and the ball bouncing around...well, he didn't feel any threats. Even if maybe he should, he thought sarcastically. God knows what Oliver was capable of doing with a sleeping teammate and a desk full of waterproof markers!

Shaking his head a little, Merlin still felt sleepy, but he felt he could manage the last... eighteen minutes now. He rose up and stretched his arms and then immediately remembered the tattoo. It felt different than before, even if it still itches, and Merlin remembered Zyr's warning of how the fresh tattoo could get stuck to fabric. The world narrowed down to the tattoo with that single thought. He needed to check it but the only thing Merlin could do was to try to pull his shirt behind his back to feel if it was stuck or not. But he couldn't bend his arms far enough and he couldn't be sure. He needed to get home!

Merlin very nearly ditched right there and then, but even with his almost-panicky need to know that the tattoo was alright, Merlin couldn't miss that the practice wasn't going well. It would have taken quite a lot if he had, because when he stepped into the gym a ball hit the benches next to the office, hard. When Merlin spun to look at the direction it had come from, he saw a very frustrated Elyan who didn't even seem to care that he had startled Merlin out of his mind.

The practice ended early and the whole team was in a foul mood. Merlin felt shaky when he tried asking cautiously what was going on, but those who were near didn't seem to be in the mood to answer and even Jordan kept his eyes on the floor and just walked past. Merlin didn't have enough confidence to ask again, he felt small and unwanted and he felt he shouldn't have asked. If only he had done his work today, he would have been there to hear what had happened...

Cleaning up the gym had never felt that impossibly large a task but Merlin did it very poorly today. He felt guilty because of his laziness but he didn't care if the storage room was a mess on Monday. At least not until Arthur came to get him and he realised how he had just continued on being lazy. He would have tried to explain, but Arthur didn't seem to care, he looked like he just wanted to get out of the school area and Merlin understood how upset Arthur was. He hadn't seemed upset with the team, but then again, he never did.

It took about exactly until the school building wasn't in sight anymore that Arthur broke the silence and started to talk about everything all at once. "... I just don't know what to do! I have to play and I have to play seriously every hour I get, like, a month ago. No, a year ago! but I can't- I just don't know..." He obviously tried to avoid saying anything bad about the coach, but before they got home, Merlin had a vague idea of what was the root of the problem: Arthur couldn't trust the coach to even remember the names of the players he saw five times a week. For a moment there Merlin couldn't even listen to what Arthur was saying, he hated that poor excuse of a teacher so much!

He snapped out of it only when he realised that Arthur wasn't talking anymore, but looking at Merlin. Had he asked something? Or was he just waiting for Merlin to comment? "Uh, that would explain why Jordan got poor grades in sports last fall..." was the only thing Merlin could think of and he felt his face heat and his neck sweat when Arthur looked at him weirdly, but then to his utter relief, Arthur laughed. "Yeah... that it would. I just... I can't believe this." After that Arthur fell silent again and he only changed his shoes before he left for a jog. From the look of it, a long jog.

That saddened Merlin more than he would have cared to admit. He had had a lousy day and when he watched the door Arthur had closed behind him, he realised how much he would have wanted the rest of the day to be like it usually was: him curled into Arthur's side while Arthur did whatever with his cellphone and once in awhile telling Merlin something someone had said. He could have lived with Arthur going for a jog after that, but now he once again felt all the shame of yesterday and the fear that maybe Arthur was angry at him after all. And why hadn't he been able to say something better to Arthur just now? Something to put his mind at ease or something funny or… his mother was home. She was doing laundry, but Merlin knew he had to get out of her way before he would have to tell all about his day to her. Climbing the stairs to their room felt exhausting and his mind came up with at least three things that would have been better to say to Arthur. By the time he closed their door and leaned into it, he felt sad and lonely.

Merlin sighed. He hated this heavy feeling inside of him. He knew that if he let himself think on it, he would just end up scared and hysterical, so he tried to search for an outlet when he remembered that he could be mad at the coach. That helped a bit. He couldn't stand that person... He was lazy, neglected his work, smelled like old coffee and he was old and ugly. And he wasn't Lance. In Merlin's point of view it didn't matter that he had just applied for an open job, he may as well have gotten Lance fired himself. On that note, Merlin took his cell phone out and opened the teams group chat. He was sure there would be discussion about today and he wanted to see their comments on the coach. He hoped they were as bad as possible.

He wasn't disappointed. The chat was already long and new messages kept popping up all the time. The messages varied from calling the coach names to a depressed, 'we have already lost' mentality, and back to angry. Lee used some pretty colourful language, Merlin hadn't even known he swore. It was kind of hard to follow really, it was that prevalent in the discussion and, besides, everybody knew what had happened so nobody retold the whole story.

Eventually Merlin felt he understood enough. The coach was now more invested, but he just couldn't do what Lance had done or even what Arthur did. He couldn't keep up with the strategies Arthur had established nor could he give personal feedback. He was inconsistent and rusty and apparently, from what Merlin had thought was disinterest, was actually indecisiveness. The problem for Arthur, of course, was that he needed to play and he too needed someone to watch him from an outside perspective. He certainly couldn't do that and lead the team at the same time. The team had tolerated the situation with some (a lot) complaining to each other, but today had been the last straw when the coach had tried to call Oliver out and when Oliver hadn't responded, he had lost his cool and whistled the whole game to halt and given Oliver a good yell on listening to him and of school rules, authority and what not. The only problem had been that the coach had called him 'Charley', who wasn't even in the team (Charles, who everyone called Charley, was a boy in Oliver's class).

When that had been established, the coach was humiliated and muttered something about Dickens and the team felt so much injustice that even Arthur's attempts to pacify them was not just useless, but blatantly ignored. This Merlin learned from Elyan's comments, who seemed sorry for something or another even through his writing and how maybe they should calm down a little and next time just ignore the coach and listen to what Arthur had to say. That turned the discussion to how much Arthur did and how unfair it was that he never got to play. Jordan claimed that he had heard the coach tell Arthur that he had this responsibility because he was the captain and the next storm begun.

Merlin was ready to believe everything, every bad word and anecdote so he kept reading, feeling only slightly guilty for reading about it all when no-one had been willing to tell him what had happened. That meant they didn't really want him to know, right? But he was part of the chat, so they knew he could read the messages. Or maybe they had forgotten he could... He was almost thinking of sharing some things he hated about the coach's work to hopefully be a part of the group and at least be honest and show the rest of them that he was there, when Jordan wrote 'Hey! What if Merlin did it? At least he knows our names...!' and immediately continued with 'And coach should be able to take care of Merlin's job? That is literally the coach's job!?'

To that Merlin replied as fast as he could 'not gonna happen', closed the phone and threw it to the couch. He didn't want to see any of the replies. He didn't want to be dragged into any of this. He couldn't sit still so he stood up and when his eyes found the bed, he threw himself to it. Like most of the time, Arthur's pillow bought him some kind of comfort and he buried his face to it not caring if Arthur found him that way or not.

He wanted to be mad at Jordan for suggesting something like that, but he couldn't. He liked Jordan and besides... if Merlin had taken the time or had just been interested enough to watch what Arthur did during the practices he attended five times a week, he should be able to help, be to some real use to Arthur...he regretted it so much now. This could have been his chance to tell Arthur not to worry, he would take care of everything, he could just leave it to Merlin and play... but the truth was that Merlin had never bothered to learn even half of the rules and he hadn't even thought if there was some kind of strategy to the plays. In his frustration, Merlin turned around and stared at the ceiling. He didn't know what to do. His back felt weird.

Merin sprung up, his thoughts ripped from football to the tattoo. He had completely forgotten it! His hands felt hard to control when he tried to take his shirt off as fast as he could just to feel a very unpleasant pull on his skin. "Mum! Mum!" he yelled, almost on reflex. Then he tried to breathe evenly, his head and arms as still as possible halfway out of his shirt and thoughts gone blank as his mother ran upstairs. When the door opened, Merlin couldn't breath. And then he breathed too fast.

He didn't even know how his mother managed to understand what was wrong from the pathetic crying while babbling... words, just words, and not only that, but remain calm and get Merlin to the bathroom, out of his trousers and into the tub, but she did and eventually they managed to get the shirt off with lukewarm water and patience. Merlin knew he hadn't been much help. He had clung to his mother's shirt, cried, refused to stand up and even yelled at his mother about what help the water would be. Even after his mother had read to him the paper Zyr had given him. After getting the shirt off, there was a quiet moment when Merlin sat in the tub, in only his boxers, hugging his knees and not daring to complain (even inside of his head) how cold he felt sitting there wet, water just a layer on the bottom of the tub. Hunith was clearly exhausted and almost as wet as Merlin was.

"Thank you... " Merlin managed to mumble and the brightness that erupted onto his mother's face seemed to make all of her tiredness vanish. Merlin hid his face between his knees. Somehow he felt like crying again. "Well, let's put some lotion on it and get us something to eat." She said gently and Merlin simply nodded, head still between his knees. "Is it ruined?" he asked with a fragile voice when his mother was done. "No, I'm sure it's not." Hunith answered, but Merlin didn't feel any better.

Hunith managed to coax Merlin out of the bath and to dry himself. He put on his pyjama pants and followed his mother downstairs to please her and eat something, when in reality he wasn't hungry at all. He just wanted to be alone, preferably in a dark and narrow space. He knew Arthur would be home at any given moment and he dreaded it. His mother asked if he was cold and tried to make him put on a shirt too, but Merlin refused. He was too scared that the same thing would happen again during the night.

Arthur came home just when Merlin had somehow eaten his meal and he appeared confused at the scene he had just walked in. To Merlin's utter relief, Hunith made Arthur go to shower before coming to eat and didn't say anything else. Arthur went and Merlin told his mother he would go to sleep after he had finished eating, which he mentioned just in time to hear their room's door open. He was sure Arthur would hear what had happened once he was upstairs, but it was better than being there to hear it. By the time Arthur came up, Merlin was on his stomach, blanket only up to his waist, his face towards the back of the couch pretending to be asleep.

Arthur came by the couch and Merlin could imagine him standing there, looking at him for a while before he went to sit by their desk. He didn't turn the lights on, just the working light and Merlin still pretended to sleep while in reality he wallowed in self loathing and pity long after Arthur had gone to sleep.

The night was restless and Merlin felt he barely slept. He was cold and he had trouble falling asleep on his stomach and he was so stressed that he would turn in his sleep that he was actually glad that he couldn't sleep well. He had to lift his feet onto the armrest. Pulling the blanket over his left shoulder and tucking his left arm under his pillow made him more comfortable and letting his right arm hang from the couch made him fear less that he would turn around, but when the morning came, Merlin didn't know how he would make it through the day. It was Saturday, so there was no school at least and he couldn't swim so there was no swimming with Gwen and Arthur would leave for jiu-jitsu and be gone for hours, but he had promised to spend time with Gwen instead and they were going to go downtown at noon and he had promised Aida they would play and that he would help Gaius on Sunday and he had to plant some of the seeds he had bought soon and then there was homework and cleaning and Jordan's birthday party that he had promised to go to...

When Monday came, Merlin didn't want to go to school. When he saw the school building, he felt it hard to breath, he felt heavy and weak and empty in a way he recognised he had felt during last year. It didn't make any sense to Merlin, he had gone into this building so many times, so why now? For the first time Merlin doubted if there was any reason to continue going to this school. Or to any school for that matter. The feeling faded a bit when the day started, but Merlin was still tired and he couldn't look Jordan in the eye. He had continued sleeping on the couch and in the end he hadn't gone to Jordan's birthday party. He had even managed to find a gift with Gwen's help, but he had just told Arthur to give it to him when he had left. Merlin had just scrambled through his homework. With Arthur, he had barely spoken to or even seen during the weekend. He had asked once if Merlin would come to sleep in their bed again, but Merlin had refused even if he felt painfully aware during his light and fragmented sleep that he was alone and on Arthur's couch. He didn't feel he deserved to be close to Arthur, to be comforted by his closeness right now. To make matters worse, Arthur didn't seem affected at all. Actually, every time Merlin looked, Arthur seemed to consume more and more space of their bed and sleep more soundly than before. It was unfair, but Merlin wished Arthur would also feel even a little bit lonely and ask him to come back to bed again. Maybe then Merlin would say yes and move back to their bed.

It was needless to say that the day dragged. Merlin had to fight not to fall asleep the whole day and he was so stressed about the tattoo that he couldn't get past thinking of it all the time. His mother had applied lotion to it at least five times a day during the weekend because Merlin had not been able to relax or concentrate if she hadn't and now he had to wait until he got home! He had thought of asking Arthur to apply some during the school day, during lunch or before football, but he couldn't think where and how without it either looking suspicious or public. They had PE today, but the only options he could think of were Arthur coming to a single bathroom with him or him having to take his shirt off and let the incomplete tattoo be displayed to the whole class. Neither felt possible and so he was out of options. Or at least he would have been if Gwen hadn't listened his dilemma during the lunch, taken a tube of basic cream out of her bag, pulled the collar of Merlin's old t-shirt, because it didn't matter if it got greasy or not, and just patted some on Merlin's skin. She was fast and her motions so purposeful that when she dropped the cream to her bag and continued eating, even Merlin had to admit that it wouldn't get attention from anyone. He wasn't sure what he would do without Gwen.

A bit less stress or not, PE was horrendous. Merlin got his energy to even stay standing mainly from his dislike of the coach and when his face started to really make Merlin angry, he just arrogantly removed himself from the class and went to the storage room to pretend he was getting everything ready for football. The coach said nothing, as expected. The piles of plastic covered mattresses had never looked so tempting and Merlin wished he could trust that no-one (including the coach) would come in so he could take a nap. His muscles hurt, mainly his neck, and even his skin felt tender. The tattoo was itching again and if he hadn't been too tired to care, he would have added being hungry to the list too. He should start taking some snacks with him. Especially on Monday's and for Arthur too, Arthur was always hungry these days.

Eventually the class ended and the gym got quiet in seconds after a huge noise of more than twenty boys wanted out of school at once. The empty gym soothed Merlin. He leaned onto the doorframe of the storage room for a bit. He would have his fifteen blissful minutes of silence and then... he would survive until five and then... he had promised to make dinner and he was quite sure he had something to do, but he couldn't remember what. Probably something for the school. Plus homework, obviously. So this quiet fifteen minutes should have been his time, but just when he was about to get back to the storage room and finally get all the equipment ready, the gym door opened and in walked a girl.

Merlin had heard of the new student and he was almost sure he had already seen her. Actually, he was sure, because he knew this was the new student, but he had just had zero interest until now that she was standing there, the coach walking towards her looking like he had been expecting her.

She was one year older than him, in Elyan's class. Rumours stated that her family was rich even by this school's standards and Merlin had to admit that she was beautiful in a very classical way. She wasn't cute or girly or doll-like like Vivian. Her brown hair framed her pale, determined face beautifully and she looked a lot more like an adult than most at their age.

Merlin knew the clock was ticking, but he was interested now and so he lingered and listened. Apparently she was there to offer her help. That should have been music to Merlin's ears, but somehow, it was not and when the coach told her to talk with Arthur, he just felt bitter. He retired to the storage room again. 'Yes, please, more responsibility for Arthur!' He thought while he carried piles of footballs to the gym with new energy fueled by annoyance. But it just got worse when Arthur jogged to the gym.

Usually Arthur used the last of the quiet minutes to first adjust himself into being a captain rather than a classmate and then when the others started to fill the gym, he would shortly tell Merlin his plan for the day. Merlin decided he didn't like routines braking when the coach waved Arthur over. And that he definitely didn't like the dumbfounded look on Arthur's face.

As Arthur started to walk towards the girl, Merlin took a better look of her. Apart from being beautiful, she was also built in a way that told of regular exercise and she had good posture that spoke of confidence. All of which Merlin always felt he lacked.

Merlin knew his watching was obvious, but the girl hadn't even glanced at him. Her eyes were on Arthur who now stood dumbly in front of her. The girl seemed to find that amusing. "My name is Mithian and I'm here to offer my help, pleased to meet you too, Arthur" she said with an emphatic tone that suggested she had been waiting for Arthur to talk first. Her tone was almost regal and Merlin knew immediately that she was accustomed to a certain level of propriety. He was now sure he didn't like this girl much, but the way Arthur seemed to snap out of his reverie was almost unbearable. He looked a tad uncomfortable now and Merlin was pretty sure he was seeing a blush.

At the same time Oliver walked into the gym with Elyan laughing about something before noticing the girl, Mithian, and soon after that the gym started to fill and the not-so-subtle pointing out of the abnormal appearance of a female in their gym preventing Merlin from hearing more. He huffed in frustration and dropped the balls from his arms and returned to the storage room, which was next to the main door of the gym, mainly to hear better.

Arthur stating "You are most welcome." was the first thing he could hear and that didn't please Merlin too much. "Well, I have heard so much about you, so it is my pleasure." Mithian replied easily and Merlin twitched. Not 'the team' but 'you'. "Um..." was Arthur's intelligent reply and Merlin wanted to kick something. He could imagine Arthur's dumbfounded face all too well. "Are we going to stand here the whole day or get to the play?" Mithian finally asked, sounding amused and perfectly not embarrassed and Merlin decided that regal had been the right word to describe her. He didn't like this at all. "Yes of course, let me get through the warm up and then we can continue with some introductions." and that was that. Something sank to the bottom of Merlin's stomach and he had to find some more balls to carry out in order not to get stuck to the spot.

"Merlin! Is this supposed to be a line?" Arthur yelled at him the moment he walked out. He was standing next to the balls Merlin had just dropped previously. "I have plenty of time to form a perfectly good line while you lot run around the gym!" he shot back automatically, but he felt heat rise to his face. He hadn't remembered that he was supposed to make a line... Arthur laughed and ruffled Merlin's hair when he jogged past him before starting to yell instructions. He seemed to be in a way better mood than during the whole of Spring.

During the practice Merlin paid more attention than he ever did. He followed every movement Arthur made, especially when he talked with Mithian. It turned out she had been the captain of her previous school's girls football team, but in this school the girls didn't even have a team, so here she was. All in all she seemed like the exact opposite of Merlin. It was obvious that what Arthur had tried to explain to Merlin regularly for the last three years, Mithian already knew and not just by heart but by practice. She was going to be a lot of help very soon. Merlin knew he should be happy about that, but even if seeing Arthur so happy made him a bit happy too, he was jealous. He wished that he could have done the same, as Jordan had suggested. That he had the skills and the confidence.

He also came to a conclusion that Arthur hadn't asked him to form any kind of line, he had probably meant to, but they hadn't talked like they usually did and it seemed Arthur hadn't even noticed. During the last hour it seemed that Mithian had learned mostly everybody's names (something that had taken Merlin almost a year) and Arthur got to play so Mithian 'could observe the play and report on what she saw'. When the rest of the team had gone to the showers, Arthur sounded almost shy, of all things, when he asked if Mithian could come some other days too. Mithian laughed sweetly and replied that she could come back every day from now on.

"Aren't you going to be bored?" Arthur asked, surprised, but Mithian just smiled some more and replied simply with "Arthur, I love football." Arthur looked at her with pleasant surprise written all over his face. "Really?" he asked. "Really." Mithian answered, again sounding amused and it was settled, Mithian would come every day from now on.

The walk to home was long. Arthur was all smiles and Merlin used all of his remaining energy to keep his expression nothing else but happy for Arthur. Or at least passive. Arthur was oblivious to his struggles and kept babbling about how great this new girl, or woman as Arthur called her, was. At home they had food ready waiting for them. Arthur was ravenous as usually and Merlin knew he should be too, but he didn't feel like eating and so he ate only enough to satisfy his need for energy and to keep his mother happy. Arthur also told Hunith all about Mithian and how everything would change now and how great everything was. After dinner Merlin busied himself with the last history assignment he had left for the year.

"That isn't due to another month." Arthur commented at some point, but Merlin wasn't in the mood to try and find out what was really bugging him this time nor was he in the mood to talk about it. Concentrating on school work let him take a break from himself. He just made a small noise to indicate that he had heard Arthur. "...Are you coming back to bed tonight?" Arthur asked after it was obvious Merlin wouldn't say anything else.

It should have been easy to just say that yes, if Arthur wanted him there, he didn't want to sleep another night on the couch in his life ever again, but Merlin didn't want to think, he didn't want to talk. He just wanted to read and find out how Hitler took control of the whole government and why nobody did anything to prevent it so he almost snapped "No. I'll just grease the bed. I'll sleep on the couch until the tattoo is healed."

There was a pause before Arthur sighed and leaned his forehead gently to Merlin's left shoulder. "Alright, I can wait." he said quietly, sounding almost regretful, or was Merlin imagining that? And then Arthur's weight was gone and he announced he would go for a jog.

As soon as Merlin could see Arthur jogging towards the park from their window, Merlin let his head fall to their desk. What was he doing? He was too tired to think and he was too tired of himself. He was again back where he had started this year. Would he have to start over again? The amount of effort felt impossibly large and he wondered if he had gotten better at all, what if he always needed to struggle just to keep from getting worse?

---

A/N And ready. Finally. I'm sorry for the long wait, I swear, I am so done with this chapter. I have written and re-written it at least four times now. I hope you have enjoyed it, because at this point, I don't even want to see it, I'm so happy that I have the next chapter lined out and I can write something new. Also, I have to use a loaned computer at the moment that has a space key that works mostly randomly, it drives me nuts! And I don't even want to start how it makes my school work... My salvation is that I have an amazing beta, MalteseFalconM, who you all can thank for the quality of this chapter. Now, I hope to get the next chapter out in more reasonable time, but to be honest, I have a lot on my plate for this spring and it may take a while. I hope that some of you will still be around to read this and the next chapter! Thank you all for your comments and you know, just for being here so I can keep enjoy writing some more :)

-L

MalteseFalconM You are a treasure! Not even mentioning all the help I have gotten from you, it's awesome to read your review like this (with nothing to do with my grammar!). Vivian really is somehow the most difficult person for Arthur to deal with, he never knows what she is thinking and what to say to her! I enjoy writing her, even if she might be the most different character compared to the tv show. Or maybe because of that :P Let's see if she will appear in the next chapter more ;)

mersan123 Yes, little steps. But with that chapter I also wanted to show, how to a victim of abuse, it's not so simple as 'over'. It is and Merlin knows that very well, but it all has a strong hold of him not to mention all the regret... and I guess I continued with that theme in my mind in this chapter too. Maybe in the next one too... Hope you enjoyed this chapter and thank you for your comment, as always, it's amazing how you always see the effort to comment :)

Greedy Reader Your comment is the most precious to me: I am not boring! That mean the world to me, I think my biggest struggle (apart of the grammar...) is that I feel that I could rant on and on about feelings... my favourite thing to write about. The most important thing of this subject if you want to think about it that way. For what would abuse be, if it didn't make any difference in an emotional level? Uther, or what he has done, will stay with Merlin for the rest of his life. Now it's all about finding balance and ways to process and eventually, get over it and leave Uther to suffer the consequences of his actions somewhere far away from both Arthur and Merlin. No need for you to feel sorry for not reviewing, it's my fault for being so irregular with my updates:D I was very happy to see your comment and thank you for commenting both chapters! I hope you find this update too! Oh and yes, I actually thought of Merlin's name too, but since it's an idiom to 'watch like a hawk',I used that... So funny that you thought the same thing as me! :D

Angel Dove1 Yes! She is a people watcher! A very accurate term to describe what I have wanted her to be, thank you for that! :) And yes, I think Merlin has still a long way to even understanding that Uther really did what he did for his personal pleasure and that the only mistake Merlin made, was not to tell anyone, but that is also something I hope I have been able to describe well enough: how scary it is to even think of telling to someone. How it became the whole world and how it doesn't end even when it legally does. But anyway, I had fun writing Vivian and to finally reveal some of the stuff I have thought she has been thinking during the story, but never got to write before :) It's great that you liked the chapter, I hope you enjoyed this one too!

Guest You are not being rude, I have a lot of words that I tend to misspell like that... I'm so lucky that I have a beta now!

Guest That is good, it means I have been able to write him right.

Guest Nice to hear :) I also don't like fics that are too much just straight from the original source material, but I wanted to use it just a little ;) Good to hear you have continued reading even with all my mistakes, This year has been very full and so it might take a while before we get to betaing the early chapters. I also find it hard to concentrate on writing something new while reading something old at the same time...

Guest What an interesting review! Thank you! Yes, that is a way of looking at it,Arthur really doesn't let himself doubt his only family member.

Guest Camera in, in my understanding, a surprisingly common. Many who do things like this tend to also make their own child pornography out of it. It is disgusting and a very effective way of blackmailing the victim at the same time.

Guest That is a very sad story... I wish that with this story I could raise even a little bit of awareness so people would notice those kind of signs better. They are not easy to read most of the time and in a way, depressed people do want attention, someone to notice and help... Even those, who don't have that kind of a depression who seek attention really need help, not with what seems obvious, but there is something that is not right, something they feel bad about and try to fill it with whatever method they choose to get the attention.

Guest Yes, well, I feel the same. It is a very selected few people with such a mentality that they can't recognise their own feelings... Besides teenagers talk all the time about crushes and such things and our media and popular culture, songs, books, movies targeted to teenagers... so even if someone had no interest on the subject, it really can't come as a total 'never heard of this phenomenon' kind of surprise... Great that I made you laugh :) Not too many of those moments in this fic, right? And Gwaine is one of my favourites, so glad to hear you liked him too and that you thought he fit :)

Guest I am a bit proud that this chapter had such a strong impact on you, I wanted the whole kissing thing to be a big deal. It's not logical why something 'so small' would feel the one thing that Merlin found he couldn't do and maybe if Uther had pressed on it more or Arthur hadn't said what he did Merlin would have eventually done it, but it was something more concrete because Merlin had wanted to kiss Arthur before and less passive, to actually do something that was a clear act of affection that we all have done to our parents when little and it has just started to form new meanings, but is still very clear to us that it stands for love and affection that Merlin in no way had for Uther.

Newmera I have to say that I am impressed that you read the whole thing in a week, this ain't a short fic! Also great to hear such compliments, I worry constantly that this fic is too long and too boring :P I hope you have stuck around for this long, I really didn't intent the wait to drag like this... I really hope to get my own computer back soon and get the next chapter out maybe in a month, I don't think I can get it done any faster, but at least it shouldn't take a year!

MillaMaxwell12 Hi! Long time no see, hope you enjoyed this chapter after such a long wait!

loveagoodstory101 Thank you so much! :)

X.M.S Beauregard I so do hope you liked the story also after reading it and that you also read this chapter and enjoyed it. Thank you for leaving a comment, it was very interesting to see a pre-review! :)

Henrietta0777 Ah, me too, me too, they have earned it, haven't they? Finally to be able to be a normal teenage couple and learn about their sexuality together.