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by Laureles

Merlin is happy when his mother remarries, but finds out soon his life controlled by the man he would have to call his family. While finding about his sexuality, about his feelings, Merlin gets confused, ashamed and hurt. There seems to be no way out. Slow-build Merthur, Happy ending! Warnings: Child abuse, multiple rape, yaoi, selfharm.

55. Chapter 55 - Of internet and panic

Mithian was at practice the next day, and the day after AND the day after that. By Friday, it was like she had always been there. She was the saviour, the angel, and everything she did deserved a thank you. Or that seemed to be the case with everyone but Merlin. The team was crazy about her and for good reason, Merlin understood that, but he didn't have to like it.

He had worked with the team much longer and after listening to all the attention Mithian got for being there after one week made him feel that nobody had ever thanked him for his troubles or commitment. He had to admit to himself that he was jealous. It was as simple as that. He was jealous of Mithian's looks, her talent, her confidence... and something else he couldn't quite name.

Merlin tried to ignore the feeling and be as useful as possible to compensate, but by Friday he had only found two extra things to do. He had made sure the field reservation was correct and had gone outside to see if the nets were still intact. They weren't, as it looked like someone had climbed on one regularly and the other had been vandalised; there was a hole cut in it almost as tall as Merlin was. Merlin searched through last year's papers to find where Lance had ordered the last net, and the size and model, before leaving an A4 paper with the details on the coach's desk. He was sure nobody would notice. He felt that he was losing what little connection he had made with the team. He felt lonely and what he had thought made him valuable now felt like something anyone could do. Anyone could fill out attendance and carry stuff around and Mithian being there clearly demonstrated that.

Arthur was happy, so Merlin kept his thoughts to himself. Arthur ate with Mithian now, not every day, but he still missed one lunch where he would usually have sat with Merlin and Gwen (and Vivian, with whom Arthur seemed to have a wordless agreement that they would ignore each other completely, for everyone else's sake). That was the day Merlin realised that it wasn't that he just didn't like his routines breaking, he couldn't handle it at all. It made him feel that something very bad was coming.

Everyday after the weekend Arthur had come to their room after dinner and sat down so Merlin could lean into him, but he sat on the floor because Merlin's linen was on the couch. Merlin just didn't feel relaxed and grew uncomfortable after a few minutes, and it felt that Arthur left to go and train too quickly. He slept poorly. Falling asleep without Arthur, on the too short couch, on his stomach, was not easy and when he did sleep, he dreamt that his tattoo started to leak ink and instead of covering the scar it started to mark all the places he had been touched before finally prying his jaw open and suffocating him. He woke up covered in cold sweat. Arthur was always sleeping like a log.

By Wednesday, Merlin was so tired that he started to cry himself silently to sleep. When Arthur asked if he could do something because Merlin didn't look well, Merlin complained that he had trouble sleeping because the tattoo still itches. He didn't want to talk about his dreams, because even if Merlin knew logically that it was better to talk than stay silent, there was just no way of explaining this particular dream without describing how oppressive it felt when the black tentacles of ink slowly moved across his skin to fill every hole in his body that had been violated by Arthur's father. There was no way Merlin would tell Arthur any of that nor about his jealousness because it was embarrassing. He would not complain that he wasn't sleeping next to Arthur, it was his own fault anyway.

After a few days Merlin started to realise just how much he had gotten from being close to Arthur. The physical comfort, the effortless time and quiet conversation of nothing. Now that it was mostly gone, Merlin started to have thoughts he didn't want to have. He felt lonely, needy, depressed and worthless. Those he understood. Those he could live with because that was what he felt he was, deep inside. The only thing in his life that made him feel valued was Arthur and the fact that he had chosen Merlin to be his friend and boyfriend. But then there was lust and want, he felt like demanding time and affection and it was those feelings he feared. Those thoughts felt foreign, dirty, unwanted and embarrassing. He felt he needed to control them and he couldn't, not all the time. And it was all so unpredictable. One second he could just see Arthur and the next second want to… touch and lose clothes and taste and feel all of Arthur, when not long ago he had been perfectly fine with just sitting close. He hated it, he hated this side of him. It had brought him so much trouble and pain already, why couldn't he just learn and grow out of it? Why couldn't he just stay rational about it?

With that in mind, Merlin wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not that he didn't have any time to rest, even over the weekend. Gwen visited instead of swimming and left only when Merlin went to help Gaius. He was supposed to help him in the garden, but since it was raining, Merlin wasn't sure what he was supposed to do, but he was going anyway.

Merlin had barely said goodbye to Gwen when he ran into Susan and Aida who, of course, wanted to play. Merlin did have some free time the next day, and since Aida looked sad when he told her that he was going to help a friend, he felt obligated to tell her that he would come and play tomorrow. It made Aida smile and when Merlin ran towards Gaius' house trying to cover his head with his jacket, he felt that if he could make at least one person happy then losing his Sunday morning for that was more than fair.

Gaius was not going to make Merlin dig his backyard while it was raining, but Merlin really wanted to be of use and soon he had volunteered to clean the huge bookcaseshelf that covered half of Gaius' living room wall. "I'm not sure... it might seem messy to you, but I know exactly where everything is." Gaius wasn't excited, but Merlin insisted he could just dust it and put everything back in its place. He was set to do good work, but he didn't even understand what had happened after just half an hour. He tried to be careful not to mix any of the books, stacks of papers or move any of the items on the edges of the shelves while also being efficient. He felt something touch his elbow before hearing the sound of glass shattering.

Gaius exclaiming "Merlin! Please be careful!" was like a slap to the face. He sounded really upset and it felt like the worst part of Merlin's week when he had to wait for Gaius to get a dustpan and vacuum to clean up the glass so Merlin wouldn't cut his feet. Gaius had insisted on cleaning while Merlin felt it would have been better if he hadn't come at all. He wished Gaius wasn't so worried about the broken glass, it would have been better if he just left it to Merlin, he didn't mind if he got some glass in his feet.

It turned out that the glass... object was something Gaius had won from a silly tournament back in university. It had sentimental value, but it wasn't expensive. All Merlin could think was how it had survived Gaius' university days, moving house, life... but not Merlin. "Maybe we could just play some Scrabble, we haven't done that in ages." Gaius suggested, after all the glass had been cleaned and shattered pieces of Gaius' momento had been thrown away. Merlin managed to nod and he even put up a decent game, but he felt guilty and tired. When it was time to leave, Merlin didn't stall like he usually would to converse on whatever topic they were talking about. "Would you come some other day too? I would enjoy another game." were Gaius' parting words and Merlin promised to come on Wednesday and see to the garden also. There was something off with the way Gaius shook his head and say that he would look forward to it. Merlin tried to forget everything that had happened this week while he walked home. It was still raining.

Arthur looked so comfortable in his dry clothes, sitting on his bed playing with his phone. Merlin wanted to curl up against him He was cold and dripping wet, but when Arthur frowned the second he saw Merlin and started to wave a towel and dry clothes in his face, Merlin became annoyed. He knew he was wet and he knew how to dry himself perfectly well! At times like this Merlin wished he didn't have to live with Arthur. At least not in the same room. Maybe that was why, when Arthur asked through their bathroom door, if Merlin wanted to come with him to some last minute party Lee was throwing, Merlin said no. He didn't want to see so many people and he couldn't pretend to be cheerful and he didn't want to see Arthur wait for an opportunity to talk about it with him.

Arthur sounded disappointed and he didn't leave before he 'got to have a hug'. Arthur's body felt so warm and there was just something in the smell of his skin that made Merlin almost lose it. He didn't want to let go, he wanted to hug Arthur tighter and get his hands under Arthur's shirt and when Arthur kissed his neck softly, Merlin felt heat radiate from his core. He didn't want to let Arthur go anywhere, so there was just one thing to do. He ripped himself of off Arthur. He needed to have control of himself and he couldn't delay Arthur and further. He mumbled something about school and homework and sat at their desk. Arthur promised to be home early. Merlin simply waved and told him to have fun. It was the right thing to do. Arthur wanted to spend time with his friends, who were probably already waiting for him to turn up.

Merlin ate with his mother, asked her to lotion his tattoo and made her check that it was still intact. It seemed there was a small crust on one edge where it had stuck to his t-shirt. This time, when his mother told him that even if it faded a little, Zyr could just re-apply some ink to it when she did the coloured part, Merlin believed her. But that wasn't what made him go to bed early. First it was thinking about how he wouldn't be missed at the party and then remembering that Mithian was probably invited too, everybody loved her after all.

And then he understood. He was jealous of Mithian because he felt threatened. With the team, because who needed him when perfect Mithian was there and... with Arthur. For his time and attention and something else...

Merlin didn't know when he fell asleep, but he didn't wake up when Arthur got home.

The next day Merlin didn't want to wake up. He didn't want to rise up or eat breakfast. He didn't want to go up to his room and get dressed and he especially didn't want to leave the house and play with Aida, but eventually he did. Late, grudgingly and feeling guilty.

Aida was as happy as ever to have Merlin over and she immediately had about seven things she wanted to show to or do with him, all at the same time of course. Merlin tried to act like he was interested, but every move he made felt forced and every word he said felt calculated and it all became very burdensome very fast, but Merlin stupidly thought Aida wouldn't notice. After about an hour Aida looked him straight in the eye and asked if he was bored.

Merlin was. He really couldn't have cared less at the moment if Sparkly-Sparkly-Full Moon-Stardust-Whatever was the prettiest pony of them all or what backstory the toy company had made for it, but it felt super embarrassing to be caught out on his feelings by a child and Merlin feared to see a disappointed look on Aida's face. She always looked at Merlin with such pure emotion and, even if right now he just wanted to be alone at home, there was no way he was telling that to Aida.

"Ah, um, no, I'm just a little tired... I had a busy week at school." He tried almost sure that Aida would see right through him, but her very serious expression melted and she looked at him with bright eyes. "Then you can have a nap. You can use my bed!" She seemed to be excited of the idea for some reason and even if something felt very wrong with the situation to Merlin, he reluctantly let Aida pull him to her room and lied down to her bed.

It was a child's bed so Merlin had to lie on his side in a fetal position in order to fit into it. The cover was light purple and smelled of detergent, Aida covered him with a small blanket that Merlin was sure was from some kind of a toy set, a dolls blanket maybe? Then Aida proceeded on singing Merlin a lullaby and then she took out a story book and started to read Merlin a story of a very brave caterpillar. To Aida it seemed to be a new kind of a play and Merlin was pretty sure that in minutes Aida would declare his nap finished and they would continue with something else, but for now it was nice. What Merlin didn't expect at all, was to wake up about half an hour later feeling a bit fuzzy and warm and a stuffed baby seal under his arm. Aida was reading a picture book on the floor.

There was something in this child that Merlin really liked. It was hard to describe. She was self centered in a way children were, in a way Merlin remembered he had been when he had been that age, but there was also something so sincere in the way she got happy or excited Merlin had forgotten how to be, or if he had ever been. And this, this was a new side of Aida he had never seen. She was so calm and she had let Merlin just sleep. It was weirdly comforting and he felt he was really fond of her.

Merlin didn't know if this was normal behaviour for children at Aida's age. Back in the village all the children had played together (there hadn't been that many after all) to certain extend and excluding some sports, but after moving, he hadn't really even seen children younger than himself. Now that he lied there, he felt that he had missed out on something.

It didn't take long before Aida rose her gaze and closed the book when she realised Merlin was awake. "Did you sleep well?" She asked and Merlin knew she was waiting a yes for an answer so he gave it to her. Aida smiled brightly "Good, you fell asleep so fast, you didn't even notice when I gave you Bob." Merlin rose his eyebrows and Aida pointed at the stuffed seal. Bob... of course, why not?

"So what do you want to do now?" Aida asked and leaned to the bed. In all honesty Merlin was pretty happy where he was. He was just right amount of warm under the maybe-doll blanket that was made of some synthetic and soft like a cloud material. He even felt kind of fond of Bob. "Um, what time is it? I might need to leave soon..." He said and regretted it immediately when Aida's face fell. "or maybe not soon, but I um, I need to lotion my back and-" He stopped when he got an idea "Actually, would you like to help me a bit?"

In the next second two things happened. Merlin realised that this could be a very bad idea in so many ways he couldn't name and Aida jumped up and down, that's how excited she was of the word 'help'. "Anything!" She exclaimed and Merlin shuddered. It felt scary how Aida trusted him. 'Anything' she said and something in that word made Merlin feel shaky.

"Uh, it's nothing really, just if I can loan some basic lotion." That shouldn't be anything bad, right? "Follow me!" Aida didn't seem to realise how Merlin heard his own blood humming in his ears and how dizzy he suddenly felt. Responsibility, he thought, he was responsible of Aida and that trust. He remembered what Lance had once said about adults being responsible of children and he just now understood what that really meant. It would be so easy to say or do or make someone who trusted that blindly to you do something that would shatter that trust and sincere happiness. Even by accident and as Merlin followed Aida to their bathroom, he was so scared he would go over that line that it was hard to breath.

Aida was already opening cupboards and had some tubes and bottles on the floor next to her. "This one!" She said happily and shoved a light rose coloured tube to Merlin's hand. He didn't even need to see the pictures of roses on the tube to know how it smelled like. In his current state he was sure he would faint if he opened the cap.

"I think I'll take this instead." Merlin said and reached for a basic cream he recognised as a hypoallergenic brand Gwen used, it should be alright. "But this one smells prettier." Aida was not that keen on giving up on her choice and Merlin wasn't too keen on explaining how things didn't smell pretty and why he didn't want to smell pretty anyway. "It's better if it doesn't smell like anything."

"Why?" came immediately and Merlin felt frustrated. He wasn't sure how to explain. "Because… it's for a wound and- I mean not a wound but I got a tattoo and- " Merlin saw how Aida's eyes widened at the word tattoo and he was sure he had made a mistake again. What if Susan wouldn't appreciate that he told Aida about the tattoo?

"You have a tattoo?!" Aida was clearly excited of the idea and Merlin felt himself shrink. What if Susan wouldn't appreciate that her daughter seemed to find tattoos cool? Was that Merlin's fault? "Um, yes, just a small one, I- I just got it so I have to lotion it so it doesn't itch. And it heals better also..." He was rambling and Aida wasn't listening. "Can I see it? Where is it? I got some fake tattoos from my friend, but I have only used two, do you wanna see?" Merlin just nodded numbly. He wasn't sure if Aida understood the difference between those stick-with-water fake tattoos and a real one and he just hoped she would forget the whole thing and never ever mention it to Susan who trusted Merlin… Oh God, she trusted Merlin with her daughter! Merlin felt the responsibility heavy and himself unworthy of it. He waguelly noted that Aida run off to somewhere, but even if he had the opportunity to just smear some lotion to somewhere around his shoulder blade and be done with it he didn't realise it before Aida was already back.

"See? This one is my favourite, so I'm saving it for the last, but we could use some others now, you can choose first." Ok, it was back to safe waters it seemed, but the bathroom environment was making Merlin anxious so he wanted to get out as soon as possible. "Sure, I'll just..." he said and raised the tube of lotion in his hand hopin Aida would get the hint to leave him alone for a moment. "I'll do it, where is it?" Or he should have faked he had already put the lotion, how stupid could he be?! "Um, it's alright, it's in my back so..." Merlin had zero idea how he could talk himself out if this without it seeming weird.

"So it's easier if I help." Aida was really keen on this helping thing wasn't she? "Yes… but..." Merlin's brain gave him just blank, not even words, just blank and Aida looked at him expecting him to continue. "I have to take my shirt off." he continued and he felt so very emberraced.

"So? Are you shy?" Aida asked and she surely didn't mean to, but to Merlin it sounded like an accusation. "I'm not shy." He mumbled, not sure why he felt he had to defend himself. "Then it doesn't matter, I have seen my dad without shirt like million times." Aida clearly didn't believe him and Merlin just stared. He realised he had no idea if it was alright or not that Aida had seen his shirtless dad 'a million times,', much less if it was alright that Aida saw a teenage neighbour without shirt. Aida rolled her eyes at him when he didn't as much as blink apparently for too long time. "You can loan my dad's bathrobe." She said and reached for the said object that was hanging on the wall. When Merlin didn't reach for it, Aida said with an overly patient tone that didn't really suit her "I will turn around, so no need to feel shy" and then she giggled in a much more familiar manner. Merlin took the bathrobe that was made for a man with at least twenty centimeters more height and what must be fifty kilos more muscle than him. Merlin had seen Aida's father few times.

Aida turned around like she had promised and Merlin took a moment to just rub his face to his hands. Ok, he just needed to get this over with. He just needed to trust for a moment that Aida wouldn't get traumatised by seeing his bare shoulder and that she had already known that tattoos existed even without Merlin having one. "Are you ready already?" Aida asked and looked like she was ready to turn around. "Don't be impatient!" Merlin snapped and regretted that immediately. "I mean, just a moment..." and he tried to take his shirt off as fast as possible while also covering himself with the enormous bathing robe and keeping his eyes on Aida and making sure she was still her back turned towards Merlin.

"Alright, I'm ready."He said when he had tied the rope safely. Aida spun around and asked "How is that supposed to help? I still can't see your back." her hands on her hips. "It's right on my shoulder." Merlin replied and sat on the bathroom floor turning his back towards Aida. He wanted this to be over already. He hoped no-one would come in. He felt he was doing something really bad.

Aida tucked the neck of the rope and giggled some more when she couldn't get the fabric to lover because Merlin was clenching the fabrik on the front compulsively. When Merlin managed to loosen his grip, Aida pulled the neck too low in Merlin's opinion. "Wow! It's a real tattoo!" Aida said in awe and Merlin couldn't help but feel a bit proud for the obvious awe in Aida's voice. "It's so cool, I want a tattoo too..."she sighed next and Merlin was back to the anxious. "Umm, maybe you will think about it when you are an adult." He tried to do the responsible thing.

"Why?" Aida asked and Merlin was sure he hated that word now. "Um, because it will be on your skin for the rest of your life." He tried and Aida was quiet for a moment. It was unsettling when Merlin couldn't see her face. "So it should be something really important then. " She said and Merlin was honestly surprised how well Aida understood. "Yes." He answered. "So why is yours important? What is it?" she asked and started to drape way too much lotion on Merlin's shoulder. Merlin swallowed all instructions of how much and how to apply the lotion, the tattoo was already two weeks old so it should stay intact even if Aida rubbed it a bit too harshly, right?

"It's the same shape as a pendant my father used to wear." He answered simply. He didn't know if Aida had noted that he didn't have a father. He didn't feel like explaining right now. "That is important."Aida said very seriously so apparently she had. They were quiet until Aida declared that she was ready and that now they could put the fake tattoos on. The bathroom didn't feel so bad anymore and sitting on the tiled floor actually made choosing fake tattoos kind of fun and Merlin was happy to choose a blue star that was the least girly choice in the middle of hearts, rainbows and of course, ponies with heart, stars and rainbows. Aida chose a light green pony with flowers on the back ground and explained how that one was her least favourite even if it was still 'super pretty'. Merlin didn't remember if he had used to 'save the best for the last' when he was at that age.

Aida wanted to put the blue star next to Merlin's real tattoo and Merlin had no objections. She first wanted to copy Merlin with her tattoo, but when Merlin suggested forearm so she could show it to her friends, she gave. They probably used too much water and Aida laughed until she practically cried when Merlin declared that he had water running down his pants. Aida looked at him like he was some sort of genius when he just dipped her pony-tattoo in the plastic sand bucket (Aida had splashed water on Merlin with the shovel) and placed it on her forearm.

When the paper part had come of and Aida had happily looked at the tattoo first by twisting her whole body so she could see better and then through mirror, Merlin was ready to suggest they cleaned up. He felt better and he had more energy now. He was sure he could do another round of ponies now.

"Now we can put some makeup on!" Merlin's train of thought suddenly changed gear from 'how to mop the floor dry' to 'Huh?'. Aida was standing in front of him holding an old looking pouch and digging something from inside. Merlin couldn't think of anything else that that he was sure he had seen the pattern on the pouch somewhere. "Now you!" Aida cheerfully declared, she had managed to put on some bright red lipstick somewhat around her mouth and she was stepping forward.

Merlin still avoided touching Aida most of the time, but when he felt something moist touch the corner of his mouth, he turned his head away and without thinking just grabbed Aida from her waist, lifted her up and exited the bathroom. "No! Merlin! Let me down!" Aida was laughing. Merlin heard the lipstick clatter against the bathroom floor.

He had no plan. He felt shaken, ashamed and actually quite furious. Then he saw Aida's father coming from the direction of their kitchen holding a beer in his hand. "Take." Merlin just said and thrusted Aida towards the man who was almost as tall as Percy. A neighbour gay kid wearing his partly wet bathrobe carrying his 6(?) year old girl red lipstick all over his face. Merlin wasn't even sure what he was supposed to feel most embarrassed about.

Aida's father took hold of Aida in a manner that seemed automatic and the second Merlin felt the weight shift from his arms, he turned on his heels and fled towards the bathroom. "What have you done this time, monkey?" He heard behind him and then "Nothing! Let me down… Daddy, no!" and hysterical giggling before he closed the bathroom door and locked it behind himself.

Scrubbing the lipstick with water just made the one line that started from the corner of his mouth and ended just centimeters under his right eye smear. Using hand soap was better, but he managed to get some to his eyes, nose and mouth in the process. It was hard for him to remain even remotely calm, he shook and his breath was ragged. Looking how reddish soapy water went down the drain only eased his mind a little.

"Merlin? Are you alright?" A voice he recognised as Susan's asked through the door. "He's just shy Mum!" Aida replied for him. Merlin knew he shouldn't get angry to a six years old. He knew it, but he hated the lipstick, he couldn't be seen with something like that! The embarrassment he felt turned to anger and he was so very tired of being angry at himself, he was tired of hating himself all the time and he wasn't the one at fault here!

"Merlin?" Susan started to sound worried and Merlin's anger crumbled. He recognised the same tone his mother used too often, the same tone everyone seemed to use around him. And he really couldn't get mad at a six years old. He had to be better than that. Just had to. He squeezed the edge of the bathroom sink and tried not to sound like he was gritting his teeth when he answered "Nothing's wrong, I'll be out in a second."

"Good… Dinner is almost ready, will you stay and eat with us?" Susan asked and Merlin heard Aida get excited of the idea. "Sure, thank you." He replied sounding tired even in his own ears. He didn't want to go home, he didn't want to stay and he didn't want to eat. But he was also so fed up with himself that he didn't want to spend any more time alone than he had to. He was back at hating himself again and after feeling angry, it felt surprisingly tiring. Just a moment he would take and rest his head on the cool edge of the sink he was still glunching. After few deep breaths he was as ready as he would be to take a look of himself from the mirror and leave the bathroom. There was some redness all over his cheek and Merlin wished it was just from rubbing it with a bar of soap. He had some time… maybe he should wash his skin once more? But the his eyes found the bathrobe he was still wearing from his reflection. It was partly wet, open from the front and when he tore it off, he saw how some of the lotion on his tattoo had smeared on the fabric.

'No, no, no, no!' This couldn't be happening! Merlin tried to rub the greasy lotion with toilet paper, but he knew he would need water and soap and even without Aida knocking on the door and telling the dinner was ready, Merlin knew he didn't have the time and besides, that would leave him with a wet bathrobe. He looked around himself in panic, but of course there was nothing that could help him. There never was! He could just hang it to a hook Aida had taken it from and hope so very much that nobody would notice. His own shirt was still dry, but Merlin felt naked, almost see through when he stepped out of the bathroom. Aida looked at him with a weird mixture of confusement and something else Merlin couldn't name and he couldn't meet her eyes.

The dinner was painful at the best. Merlin couldn't look at Aida who was unusually quiet, he didn't know what to answer to Susan's very basic 'how have you been' and 'would you like more lasagne' type of questions and he avoided looking even the side of the table Susan's wide shouldered, at least three meters tall (and quite handsome) husband was sitting. He was also very conscious of his cheek all the time and he kept trying to find a way to hide his face from view with his hand, but everything made him feel very much either awkward or rude. He couldn't lean his cheek on his hand, because he remembered Susan telling one of her daughters not to place elbows on the table and there was just so much waving his hand in front of his face while he ate one could do without being questioned about it. By the end of the meal Merlin was sure he had passed that line about half an hour ago. Why wasn't he capable of doing anything right lately?

After dinner, Merlin knew that the least he could do was to help cleaning the table and then make Aida happy by playing with her at least half an hour before he had to leave, but first he needed to see if the redness was gone and he locked himself to the bathroom again. He nearly started to cry when he saw his face. Half of his cheek was unnaturally red and now that apparently the redness from the scrubbing was gone, he could see the original line in the middle of the stain. The colour was slightly glittery, it couldn't be mistaken. It was some sort of make up. And he had no idea how to get rid of it. The only thing he knew for certain, was that he wouldn't be able to leave the bathroom looking like this.

"Merlin, are you in there?" It was Susan again. "I'm sorry, Merlin!" … and apparently Aida. Merlin covered his cheek with his hand and closed his eyes tight. He couldn't deal with these kind of things, he just couldn't! He should, but he couldn't! He was supposed to be better than this!

"May I come in?" Susan asked sounding as she usually did, nice and like she really cared. Merlin changed his mind at least five time on what to say before he just opened the bathroom lock. What choice did he have really? He felt trapped either way, alone in this bathroom or facing Susan. "Thank you." She said when she had stepped in. Like it wasn't her house and Merlin had had a choice. Merlin didn't meet her eyes.

"Aida told me what happened." Susan continued as she stepped closer, next to the sink Merlin was again clenching with his free hand. What had happened? Merlin wasn't sure what Aida had told Susan. About the tattoo? Of how Merlin had made her lotion his back? How he had loaned the bathrobe? How Merlin had snapped at Aida even if he was supposed to be the older one, the mature one… For some reason it hit Merlin then and there that he was seventeen, almost an adult, already. And even if it was for entirely different reason than back in Uther's house, he really didn't want to an adult yet. He wished he could still be a child, the same age as Aida.

"You know I have been supposed to throw that one out, I used it only once myself because it sticks to anything and is next to impossible to get off from textiles." Susan kept talking. She dug some kind of bottle from the cupboard, dipped a cotton pad in the bottle. "Aida has that phase now and she loves the colour because it's glittery and bright, she didn't mean to upset you." she continued and turned back to Merlin. "May I?" She asked and Merlin just then understood that she had talked about the lipstick.

Merlin nodded automatically but he flinched when Susan reached towards him. He felt vulnerable and the cotton pad felt cold and it smelled funny. He tried to concentrate on reading the label on the bottle but 'three in one no-rinse micellar water, eau de toilette, thermale mineral' didn't make him any wiser. However when Susan threw the first cotton pad to trash, stained red, Merlin deducted that it was some kind of makeup removal and he breathed again. He didn't have to exit the bathroom with lipstick on his face. Susan would take care of it and now Merlin couldn't believe he could be an adult like Susan. At least not as soon as he turned eighteen. He felt exhausted.

"Now, all done." Susan said after just few wipes with the second cotton pad and smiled. Merlin couldn't help but look at the mirror and touch his reddish cheek. Susan had said 'all done' so he should trust it was just from the rubbing or possibly because of the 'micellar water' whatever that was.

"You know Aida is really sorry, I think you should forgive her." Merlin moved his eyes to look Susan through the mirror. It took him a moment and he still didn't feel he understood really. "No, umn, I overreacted… I- " he swallowed and pushed his feelings aside. "I should have let her play." He should have acted more mature. He should have been able to just laugh at it and ask for makeup removal afterwards. Susan would have probably seen it all just funny and Arthur would have never have to know. Nor anyone at school and Aida would have been happy.

"You know Merlin, you can tell Aida if you don't like something. She is perfectly happy with most of things and it does her good if you decide once in a while what you do." Susan said and it somehow felt really nice, but then again… not. He would have to know what was good and what was not and today he had been so unsure with so many things already. Had Aida told her mother about the tattoo? Or that Merlin had slept in her bed? "I greased your husbands bathrobe." Merlin said as if it summed it all and felt like hitting himself right after. He wasn't supposed to tell that! He had hoped nobody would notice the whole thing!

It took all courage Merlin had to look Susan in the face and when she looked confused and asked "What do you mean?" Merlin lowered his face again and babled everything about the lotion and the tattoo and Aida helping him and the bathrobe… When he finished, he wasn't sure if he would be allowed to the house anymore or even if he felt that he should be allowed to the house anymore.

"You seem very stressed about this, Merlin." Susan finally spoke and Merlin shook his head. He really wasn't, this was nowhere near of him being stressed, but he still didn't know how to tell Susan he was sorry. Susan's hand was on his shoulder before Merlin could even start. "I'm not thrilled of Aida playing with tattoos and if she saw yours, I'm sure she now finds them even more cool than before. Everything you do is cool in Aida's opinion." Susan's hand was warm. "But I'm sure you handled it well and told Aida tattoos are not for children." Merlin didn't say anything, he tried to remember what he had said exactly and he couldn't remember. He had at least thought something like that, but had he said it out loud? "And what comes to my husbands old robe… he is a father of three children, I assure you it has seen worse than some lotion." Merlin dared to look at Susan now and she was smiling half a smile at Merlin. But she looked at Merlin too seriously. He had overreacted and now she too, was worried.

Aida apologised as soon as she saw Merlin exit the bathroom. She promised Merlin she would ask better next time she wanted to play something and that next time they could do something Merlin wanted. Merlin told her it was alright, he was happy playing what Aida wanted. They read a book and after that Merlin left. He promised to come soon because he could see Aida still thought he was mad at her. He wasn't sure when and with what time, but he would. Aida's at least ten meters tall father tried to give him some money for 'always looking after his monkey of a daughter' which Merlin refused loudly. He fled the house without looking once at Aida's father. He felt so disappointed in himself. And he only had half an hour, evening tea with his mother and Arthur, shower and night that would end far too soon before he would have to go to school again and feel even more disappointed in himself, most probably.

When his mother asked how his day had gone and how Aida was, Merlin chose to answer 'fine'. It was the best he could manage. He felt depressed and seeing Arthur dressed in his favourite shirt and pair of jeans he usually wore to school instead of a pair of sweatpants he usually wore at home, just made him even more tired. He knew even before Arthur opened his mouth that someone (Oliver) had asked if Arthur wanted to go somewhere (a cafe downtown) to do something pointless and fun (hang out). He could come too. At least that was what Arthur said. Merlin had his cell phone on and in his pocket and he knew nobody had called him. Knowing that, Merlin didn't really want to go.

"Who's coming?" He asked not really caring. He just needed to say something. "Oliver, Pellinor, Lee and Sonja... Jordan is still thinking, Elyan said he would bring Gwen if you came..." Merlin stopped listening at that point, but he tuned back when he heard the name "...Mithian might make it too... oh, Lee and Sonja can't come after all..." Arthur was scrolling on his cell, apparently it was an ongoing discussion. Now Merlin definitely didn't want to go. "You go, I'll get some school work done." He said feeling bitter. Arthur wasn't supposed to catch on that, but Merlin knew he had when he pocketed his cell and tried to look Merlin in the eye. Merlin tried to look like he wasn't avoiding looking Arthur in the eye.

"Would you like to go somewhere, just the two of us then?" Arthur asked with a hint of a smile. Like he had found out what the problem was. And he had. That was the core of it. Merlin didn't want to see anyone else, he wanted to spend his time with just Arthur. But Arthur wanted to go to see his friends. If not, he wouldn't have asked that first.

"No. I just got home... and I really have some school work to do." He said as neutrally as he could and moved to sit at their desk. He had zero interest in picking up any school work. "...You mind if I go?" Arthur asked sounding a bit uncomfortable. "No, no, go have fun." Merlin tried to sound nonchalant and waved his arm somewhat towards the door while keeping his eyes on a pile of books.

When Arthur was gone, Merlin let his forehead rest on the cool surface of the desk. He had no energy to feel anything, not even jealous of Arthur's attention or regret that he hadn't taken Arthur's offer of a date. He couldn't imagine having fun right now, he couldn't even make himself move to the couch to sleep. So it was good that Arthur had left. It was good that he was seeing more of his friends. It was better this way and besides... Arthur had been happier lately, more relaxed and less stressed about school or football or Morgana or… him.

After eating with his mother Merlin went straight to sleep. He woke up when Arthur came home, but he pretended he didn't. He didn't want to hear how much fun he had had. He didn't want to know if Mithian had made it or not.

On monday Merlin realised that he had no idea what their teacher was talking about. At first he didn't have energy to care, but when lunch rolled over and the same happened in math, biology and art, yes even art had exams in this ridiculously ambitious school, he started to care very much. How was it possible that he hadn't even noticed he had fallen behind? Had he really been that sleepy the last week? Or had he lacked focus for a longer time? In any case he wasn't ahead of everyone like he usually was, he didn't have notes, he didn't even know what he was supposed to have notes of and Arthur used those notes!

After thinking about it for the rest of the day, Merlin realised he had done what he had done for the past two years: he had started with one subject, done everything there was to do and then moved to the next one. In Uther's house it had been all the same, at this point of school period he had done everything at least once, written every school work there was to write, handed them over to teachers and moved on reviewing it all. Now he was done with history and he had started math and that was it. At this rate he wouldn't get notes for Arthur in time, he wouldn't even pass himself if he didn't do something and fast. The problem was that he had no idea when he would have the time or motivation to even start. For the first time he felt that this school handed too much work. Just last year it hadn't been nearly enough to keep him occupied.

After he got home, Merlin tried his best to catch all the work in biology which had the first deadline. It was tomorrow and the essay he made must have been the worst he had ever written for biology, but he got it done just before it was time to sleep. Arthur asked what he was doing at least dozen times and Merlin kept changing his answer until he got the hint. He felt ashamed to be so much behind, Arthur had done his work in time and he had so much more to do compared to anyone. And the worst was that it was biology, the one subject Merlin had used ages ago, when they hadn't even gotten along, to make a point. Arthur had an A4 paper taped to a side of their desk with every deadline written to it and a tick mark next to the ones he had already completed. Merlin felt like an idiot for just remembering they actually had the exact same schedule.

During evening tea, brushing teeth and going to sleep he could only stress about the unfinished work and he tried to make himself schedules to complete everything, but with every plan he felt the task was actually impossible at this point. And he really didn't want Arthur to notice how utterly he had managed to screw his school up. He wished so much right now that he had his own room. That way he could at least work during nights without anyone noticing. Besides, when Merlin lied on the too short couch on his stomach, he started to wish he had his own bed too.

His head on a pillow and his feet on the armrest of the couch, Merlin's back and neck tired and stressing made him unable to relax his muscles even a bit. He saw weird and restless dreams half of the night. One that seemed to repeat was about him being a fish being laid to a tray at a stall in a market place. A new kind of night mare that didn't exactly make him scared, but highly aware of everything from his uncomfortable position to his looming school work. Just a bit after midnight he was almost ready to admit that he really couldn't sleep on the couch anymore and move to the bed. The only thing that made him not to do it was Arthur, who was sleeping about exactly in the middle of the bed looking comfortable and so deeply asleep that Merlin wasn't sure if he could wake him up even if he dared to try.

It was drifting back and forth between wake and asleep after that. At one point he was talking with Will and the next he realised how much he missed his once best friend and the next he was struggling with the next day at school only to wake up enough to realise that it was still in front of him and that he still had time to sleep. If he just could sleep.

Tuesday was just a blur for Merlin. He worked as efficiently in every class as he could which, to be truthful, wasn't much. He felt he was falling asleep at any given minute and even when he wasn't, he kept wishing Will was there with him, moaning how there was too much work to do and how he wouldn't even need half of this at any point of his life. He wanted to call Will and he would. After he got abstract for english, essay of a composer, chemistry report written, handed over list of answers of what seemed to be a list of hints to every river, lake, and mountain there was on this earth and made all the notes and studied for exams and… The day was over before Merlin could even make up his mind of if he wanted it to end or if he would have liked it to continue forever. He couldn't look his biology teacher in the eye when he handed her the essay he had written yesterday.

During football practices he fell asleep against the coach's desk and didn't even care. At home he tried to get the essay of a composer started because it felt the most uninteresting to him. He managed to chose the composer (first he chose Britten, but when he realised he was gay, he immediately changed to Tchaikovsky, who was also a hidden homosexual and then to Mozart, who he thought was a very boring choice, but at least a safe one!) and get nothing else done. When it was the time to start his evening routines, Merlin just stared at his music book knowing that he could do one of the two: appear normal to his mother and Arthur or to his teachers. He decided on appearing normal at home, but the decision was forced on him when his mother called him to evening tea and toast. Even while eating he didn't know what would have been the best decision and for who.

He didn't shower and he didn't bother to put his pyjama on; he just left his t-shirt on and took Arthur's old sweatpants from their closet. He wanted to sleep. He knew he would be tired tomorrow if he didn't and he knew he was already sleep deprived. So he tried. He tried his hardest and failed.

Using his cellphone wasn't his favourites and it took him almost half an hour to figure out how the internet worked properly, but by midnight he had scribbled about all the information he would need to write his essay of Mozart to his notebook, under his blanket, with the light of the screen of his cell. He continued to write until his battery died just after one o'clock. If it had lasted just a little bit longer he would have been able to complete the work… He sighed and pushed his blanket off of him and was rewarded of his hard work by a gush of sweet, sweet fresh air.

At some point he had learned to ignore how sweaty and uncomfortably stale the air was his head under the blanket, but now the fresh air made his head spin. He sat up slowly. His shirt was totally soaked and his boxers felt horribly clingy, his eyes hurt and it felt unreasonably sad that he had to sleep on the couch. Arthur was sleeping like a log and Merlin felt stupidly annoyed because of it. He stood to change his t-shirt and he made a point of not bothering to walk or close the closet door quietly.

When he returned to the room, Arthur hadn't moved even an inch. He truly was tired these days… and Merlin could just feel bad of how he had acted just now. He wished there was something he could do. He wished it so very much.

Lying on his stomach again he noticed that even his sheets were damp. It was disgusting, but maybe this was the only thing he could do right now: stay out of the way. Arthur would sleep better when Merlin wasn't hoarding half of the bed and if he just stuck to his studies, like he should, he wouldn't take Arthur's minimalistic free time by clinging to his side. Even Gaius and Gwen and Gwaine would have less trouble if he didn't bother them all the time. Even his mother would probably worry less if he stayed in his room and just studied. On those thoughts he finally fell asleep. And he dreamed.

It was like a mosaic from his childhood, the house he was in, but somehow he knew it was his home. His mother had lavender in her hands when he called for him and his father was writing something while he passed him, he smiled. He had a beard. That much Merlin remembered after waking up. When the doorbell rang, it was his boyfriend at the door. He had heard the doorbell ring and his mother had called him. It was alright, it was a secret, but in a fun way. He led his boyfriend to his room upstairs and closed the door, for some reason closing the door was important, and his boyfriend kissed him before sitting on the floor. His boyfriend was handsome. Blond hair and blue eyes and there was something in his smile Merlin held dear.

They talked about something Merlin couldn't quite grasp and they kissed and caressed each others. They were on the floor and on the bed. They laughed at something and there was nothing else in the whole world. Arthur… Arthur was the name Merlin had had the hard time remembering. The sun was surely shining from the windows and his parents weren't home. The house was painted yellow and there was a garden. Will was living next door, but he wasn't at home. There was no-one else but Arthur.

It was so easy and so natural when Merlin went down on Arthur. Kissing his skin and opening his belt. Even taking him to his mouth was easy. And Arthur seemed to love it as Merlin knew he would. He sucked and Arthur came. Like Merlin knew he would. And then he laid on top of Arthur and felt him against him. His skin, his breath, his heart beat. "Can I do the same for you?"

Merlin looked up to see the earnest smile on Arthur's face and he felt something that pulled him out of the dream.

Merlin jerked up. His brain was still a mush, but his body already knew what had happened and is brain caught on the smell soon after. He had come. He gagged a few times before he could muster enough brain power to know that he couldn't throw up. He couldn't wake Arthur up. Arthur… who was sleeping only meters from him!

'Breath in, breath out' was the mantra he told himself. He was on all fours breathing through his mouth, his muscles tense and his stomach doing funny things. It took while before he could make himself to look down, look at the mess he had made, but to his utter relief, he hadn't stained the linens and that meant the couch was safe. His underwear and Arthur's sweatpants were another story. He couldn't believe that he had loaned those!

The time wasn't something Merlin could estimate. Just at some point he managed to make himself to move and when he could find the conscious part of his brain, he was already in the bathroom and even in there he stood still, watching his barely visible reflection on the mirror for awhile until he managed to make the connection of feeling sticky and needing to strip in order to get rid of the feeling.

He teared the sweatpants and his boxers off and without looking at them he wrapped them into some other dirty clothes in their washing basket and stuffed the ball of clothes he had made into the basket. He felt like the whole world could see him. He sank next to the washing basket and clung to it. He would have sobbed if he hadn't been so afraid of waking Arthur up. It was so disgusting. His… parts were still sticky and smelt unpleasant and the only thing he felt sure about was that he had wanted it all. In his dream he had wanted it all to the point that he had come and he was disgusting because of it. He didn't know if he could exit the bathroom.

Eventually he did. He sneaked to the couch and curled up as small as he could all the while listening at Arthur's breathing. It remained even while Merlin felt his forehead sweat and his shoulders tense. He couldn't even think about sleeping with the phantom smell and stickiness and an echo of Uther's voice in his head, knowing that he had been right. His thoughts were unpure and there was no escaping the lust, the need, the fact that he was a faggot. He couldn't sleep, until he woke up at Arthur shaking his shoulder and shouting that they would be late soon. It was Wednesday.

The classes felt like an obstacle. If he could just do what he wanted to do instead of listening to pointless examples and doing pointless exercises, he could have completed his composer essay and his abstract by lunch. But he had to appear normal. By lunch time that had become his new mantra. 'Be normal.' If not, he wouldn't have sat down with Gwen like he usually did. He didn't want to see her, he didn't want to talk with her and he couldn't concentrate even when he tried. "Hey Merlin, where's Arthur?"

Merlin looked up from his meal he had apparently been staring at. It was Oliver and Pelinor with Alex (a new player with whom Merlin never had talked with). It was lucky that Vivian took all the attention from the lack of his response by glaring all of them in turn when they just sat down. Why did they have to do this? Merlin didn't want to speak to them, he didn't even want to be in here at all. He wished he didn't have to eat. He wished he didn't have to exist.

"Of course not! Right, Merlin?" Oliver's hand was on Merlin shoulder now. It felt uncomfortable and when Merlin looked up, he saw Pellinor looking at him with such intensity he had to look down again. He felt transparent. His whole body was hot and cold at the same time. He tried not to think of it, but the memory of his dream, of how he had kissed Arthur's chest and down, down, down didn't leave… and Pellinor was watching him with a strange look in his eyes. It was hard to breath and he didn't know what he should do to 'be normal'.

"Hmph. Merlin is too young for me, but he is a good friend." Vivian was sounding high and mighty as she sounded always when there was someone else than he and Gwen present. Normally Merlin would have heard the words and he would have been grateful of the sentiment, but now only a quick glance to Alex's face confirmed what he already knew there would be: a pitying look for him. He didn't know what had started this line of conversation, but clearly he had been quiet for too long and Vivian wasn't saving the situation as she had thought she would.

"I'm-" what? not interested in Vivian? Not friendzoned? Not straight? In love with someone everyone, however they would look at it, would see as my step brother? "It's not- I mean- will you take your hands off of me?!" He felt like he was in a spotlight and Oliver's arm was feeling heavy on his shoulders. It felt like his thoughts could be heard if someone touched him. "What hands? I don't see any hands!" Oliver put his other arm around Merlin's shoulders and started to ruffle his hair. "Oh these hands? Are they bothering you?" Merlin felt ill. He tried to push Oliver away in vain.

"Oh grow up will you! No wonder Alex has no interest in you!" Vivian was reaching her boiling point. "Eww She's my cousin!" Oliver made a disgusted face while still hugging (kind of) Merlin. Alex looked very much confused. "And her name is Alexandra, stop confusing the little one." Oliver recovered quickly and switched on harassing Alex's hair. "Hmph. Compared to Merlin, you all are infants. I lost my appetite, good day!" Vivian stood up with her tray and made an actual 'hmph' -sound, hair flip and turn and exited the scene. Merlin would have thought Oliver had really angered her, but he had noticed that today's vegetarian meal had zucchini in it. Vivian never complained about any food, but she tented to lose her appetite very easily if there was zucchini on her plate. Now, Merlin just wanted to follow her, but after a quick comment on how unbelievable Vivian's manners were, Oliver turned to him and asked something reasonable about last weeks practices and the conversation turned to football very quickly. Merlin had close to zero input, much less than Gwen, but he couldn't think of an excuse to leave without eating first.

"Merlin? Are you alright?" It was an honestly concerned question and Gwen only asked because she was a kind person, but Merlin couldn't take it. He snapped at her like he had never before and he didn't even look at her the rest of the day. Not because he was mad, but because he felt so low. Lower than a hole in the ground, worthless of Gwen's concern, worthless of anything and rude to top of it all.

During the hours in between lunch and football Merlin slowly realised what he should have said. To the boys he should have joked of how Vivian was just too old for him or something. There would have been a risk that Vivian would have been displeased with him, but Merlin knew how to live with her temper. And to Gwen he should have told how he was just annoyed of how Mithian seemed to get all the credit even after he had worked for the whole school year. He could have joked about how he would surely get the same treatment if he was a pretty woman like Mithian was. He felt stupid for not realizing that in time. And he hated how close the truth it actually was.

Merlin hid himself to the storage room for the most of the football practices. He didn't want to see Arthur doing everything by himself and he didn't want to see Oliver or Alex or especially Pellinor. At home he tried to concentrate on homework, but he barely managed to take the right book out before his mother called for dinner. He didn't want to eat, but he knew how his mother would get if he didn't eat. It would be faster to just go and be over it. He found out it was the best if he didn't even look what his mother had served today. He just put it into his mouth and swallowed.

"Merlin... how are you?" His mother's voice cut his concentration and the pieces of meat started to feel slimy inside his mouth. It was hard to swallow. "What?" He asked trying not to gough. His mother was looking at him weirdly and so was Arthur. Merlin straightened his back. He felt too hot all of a sudden, his neck started to sweat. "You seem... tired. Have you slept alright?"

Merlin had been fearing this moment. He had not managed to act normal. Both Arthur and his mother were looking at him with concern, worry... Merlin felt the failure, humiliation and guild burn in his chest but also...

"I have slept." He felt annoyed. It wasn't like he could have stayed awake without them knowing. It wasn't like he had even a second when someone wasn't watching him; if he ate and slept and didn't drink and didn't hurt himself! "It's just that you seem very tired and so Arthur and I have talked-"

"Of what?! How maybe I should be all smiles and rainbows when I'm at school from eight to five every day and I don't even have my own room?!" His outburst was met with silence. Merlin couldn't believe it, now they were talking behind his back! For how long? Of what? Merlin didn't want to know. "Thank you for the meal." He said and walked off. He didn't remember standing up. He needed a distraction right now.

Half completed essays would have need thinking and he didn't want to hear his own thoughts, so he emptied his bag to the desk and went for something to read. Soon enough he found a stack of papers in between his english book. There was three short stories he was supposed to pick one and make an abstract of it. He chose the longest one and started to read. He would just read it as many times as it would take for him to calm down. Or maybe he had other things he should read too... no! No thinking! Just read... But he could barely silence his own thoughts and start reading when Arthur knocked on the door. Since when did he knock? For some reason it made Merlin even angrier.

"Merlin..." Arthur's voice was not happy, disappointed maybe or annoyed or maybe sad or angry and he was now behind Merlin. What was the point in knocking if he just walked in anyway?! "Can't I even study in this house anymore?!" He couldn't take it now. "You know we are just worried and it's better talk now than-" "Well I don't want to talk right now!" He couldn't listen what made Arthur so unhappy right now. He was again standing and Arthur was right in front of him. His brow was wrinkled and his eyes were wide open. Merlin turned his eyes away and slammed the closet door shut behind him. He crawled to his usual corner and hugged his knees. It was silent. Arthur hadn't followed him. It felt like there was too little air for him to breath. He wished there was something to make quiet in his head. He wished he had a bottle of wine or beer or- Gwaine's Christmas present! There was a can of beer and it was still in this closet.

Merlin got up as quietly as he could while listening very carefully for any movement in the room. He heard none and so he grabbed the whole gift bag from where he had known it would be and returned to his hiding place as fast as possible without making noise. He couldn't be caught with this. Merlin fished the can without looking the other content. It had been a long time he had been this pleased with anything. He was already feeling better. More relaxed and more cut of from his reality. His shoulders didn't feel as tense and his breathing came more easily.

Opening the can quietly wasn't an easy task and every second he feared Arthur would recognize the sound and rush in and make him get rid of his only source of a break. Finally he just had to take a gamble and let the can pop from about half way open to fully open, it just didn't open up more without some force. His heart was pounding like crazy and he listened and listened and nobody came. He felt momentarily hurt. So he could still throw a tantrum and disappear and nobody would call him for it. Nobody would drag him out of the closet and make him talk. Nobody thought something was wrong. But the thought was soon lost.

It had been such a long time and for a moment Merlin couldn't remember why he had promised not to drink and why the promise had been important in the first place, but with the first taste he almost blurted it all out and dropped the can. It tasted horrid! With the taste he wasn't in the present, he wasn't in his home, he wasn't safe! He was trapped and lonely and hungry and hurt and he had no way out.

Merlin pushed the can to the far corner of the closet and searched for something else he knew was there: his hidden supply of tonic water. He popped on open and drank about a third in one gulp. It tasted horrible too, the quinine burned his throat, but he was in the present again. His cheeks were wet, he hadn't noticed when his eyes had started to leak. He buried his head to his knees again and tried not to sob. He shouldn't have taken the beer in the first place. He felt like he had been punished for his stupidity. And then he remembered the easy trust Gwaine had for him and the relief of his mother and the smile on Arthur's face and knew that would be his real punishment. If even one of them found out... and even if none of them ever found out, Merlin would remember and he would blame himself. He should have thought better and he should have more self control. Especially now that nothing was wrong. Why was he so ungrateful of everything? He was so messed up!

And suddenly he got what had made him so annoyed with Mithian. She was beautiful, smart, confident and Merlin envied her for all those qualities, but above all she made him feel threatened because he knew, had known from the beginning that he couldn't keep Arthur. He would always cherish the memory of Arthur asking him to be his boyfriend and he would always be thankful of every day he had put up with Merlin and his problems, but in the end there was no way this all would work out. It wouldn't even have to be Mithian. One day there would be someone like Mithian who would suit Arthur much better, who would make him happy.

Half an year ago Merlin had still thought simple. He had thought eventually Arthur would be driven away with the knowledge of what Merlin's body had gone through. There would be shame and disgust and the fact that it had been Arthur's only living parent would make it that much harder. One day, Merlin had thought, it would be too hard to look at Merlin's face and remember. But now Merlin knew better. It wouldn't be what Uther had done that would drive Arthur out of his life, but what Merlin was still doing now, what he was now. And He couldn't blame Arthur, or anyone, of it. Arthur deserved better and the only thing Merlin could do for him, was to make it easy when Arthur wanted out. He should step aside and wish him and whoever happiness. Let him forget he had kissed his step-brother.

Merlin exited the closet hours later. Arthur had fallen asleep on the top of his duvet, his day clothes and light on the nightstand on. His phone had fallen from his hand. Merlin switched the light off as quietly as he could, covered Arthur with his gray blanket so he wouldn't get cold and sat next to the bed. He dozed off for awhile against the edge and he woke up just about an hour before the alarm would ring. He was so tired… and because of that he decided against trying to study. An hour of sleep sounded much more appealing. Just when he was falling asleep, he realised he had lied down on his back for the first time in what seemed like forever. But he wasn't going to change his position now, he was comfortable and the tatoo just had to be fine. He hadn't thought about it in days anyway.

It felt like he had just closed his eyes for a second, a very blissfully comfortable second, before Arthur was next to him stroking his hair and smiling down to him while looking as tired as Merlin felt. He couldn't help smiling back. He loved Arthur, he loved him so much... but then he remembered the note last night had ended and his thoughts and the open can of beer still in the closet and the sinking feeling reminding him how this was not going to last.

"I- I'm sorry...I didn't mean..." what I said? to hurt your feelings? to yell? To become like this? He wasn't sure and he didn't even remember anymore what he had said exactly, but Arthur nodded and smiled even wider and told him how it was alright and how they had to get going and how Hunith had made them sandwiches because they didn't have time for breakfast anymore and something about football and something about talking tonight and even Morgana was mentioned. Merlin didn't understand from where Arthur got all his energy all the time. His ears were ringing and he wanted nothing more than to continue sleeping. He apologised to his mother too when they passed her on the way out. She didn't seem as easy going about it as Arthur.

The day was just apologising and surviving. Gwen looked hurt, Vivian flipped her hair and asked what he was apologizing for, his biology teacher said she was just disappointed when she knew how much better Merlin could do and his mother made him sit down with tea and talk to her half of the evening. Merlin tried to complain about the amount of homework they needed to do this year and he kind of told his mother about Mithian and complained about the coach. He was sure neither of them was satisfied at the end of the day and Merlin went to sleep tired and empty. Arthur was still in shower when Merlin closed his eyes. The couch wasn't so bad now that he was lying on his back. He actually kind of liked it.

Merlin woke up a second before their alarm went off. He had slept for ten hours straight. He stretched his arms and looked out the window. The weather was nice. Somehow it felt like saturday and even if Merlin knew he still had to go to school, he also felt really good knowing that tomorrow it actually would be saturday.

Arthur didn't look so great. He pulled his blanket on top of his head when the alarm rung and Merlin smiled only a bit sadly at the scene. It was cute. He wanted to do the same Arthur had done for his yesterday morning, but he didn't dare. He left Arthur to sleep and made breakfast for both of them. His mother had left early and left a note where she told she would bring chinese for dinner and that she loved them both. Arthur was ruffled in a way that made Merlin unable to look at him without blushing, but somewhat quiet. He suggested they should drive to school. Just to save few minutes. Merlin had nothing against that, but when they sat in the car, he felt that it was an excuse so Arthur didn't have to talk with him. He understood. He hated it.

During morning lessons Merlin psyched himself to give up. To be prepared to let Arthur decide if he wanted to be with Merlin, to give him space, to be more calm around him and nurse his hurt alone. He would do it. He had to. But he couldn't. It was just- there had to be a way! And he tried and he thought of everything he knew and he searched for any way he could keep Arthur. It was exhausting. It was like his thoughts were behind a heavy fog and the more he tried to see the whole picture, the more his chest tightened. He was scared. He didn't know if there was a meaning in his life without Arthur. He was chasing for something he had no chance of catching. He had been doing that for years. And then there were people like Mithian. How could he compete? How could he make Arthur happy?

There was only one thing he could think of.

That thought consumed his day until the moment he sat down to the final class of the day. There he realised that he had never written the abstract of a novel. He had just forgotten it. He started to sweat, his hands felt shaky and he felt out of breath, but his brain tried to think of everything as fast as it could. Did he have anything, anything at all? No. Did he have the stack of novels? No. His notebook? he had that with him at least. Could he make something up very, very fast? Without anybody noticing? Gwen was sitting next to him, could she help? Loan the novels? He couldn't remember anything about them, only that one of them was kind of long and one of them kind of short… and the teacher, ms. Griffin, was already there. He managed to take a quick look around to make sure the coast was clear and looking behind him, there was Cedric. Cedric who had a habit of being around when Merlin least wanted to see that tattle telling, smug asshat. He could do nothing now if he didn't want him raising his arm and announcing to the whole class that he was copying homework or whatnot. The teacher had started the class. He was out of time too, unless…

"So, today we are going to move onto classical poetry. Please take your notebooks out." Ms. Griffin had forgotten the deadline herself. If she just would get into the topic and give Merlin the weekend to pretend he had it done in time… but it took about five minutes before Sara (who had a habit of trying to please every teacher around her) asked if she wanted the abstracts now or after class.

"Oh yes! I almost forgot! Too much poetry for me I guess… it's great that you students are way sharper than me!" And then she giggled a bit before starting to collect the abstracts row by row. Merlin felt like he was sinking and he hated Sara, did she have to be such a attention seeker? And Ms. Griffin, did she think this was funny? Or did she try to be funny? This was their life and the only thing Merlin hadn't been able to screw up. And now it was ruined.

"Merlin?" She was now next to him, her hand extended and waiting. Merlin could just mumble to his desk that he had forgotten it at home. "You know that I have to take one grade off for every day it's late, those are the rules." Merlin bit his tongue and nodded. She had forgotten it herself! "Alright then, I expect you to remember it on monday." And she continued to Cedric's desk. That was it. She seemed to buy it or she didn't care either way, but Merlin knew everybody else knew. He could hear the murmuring and he could feel how eyes turned to his direction. He knew Arthur knew he was lying.

"One grade a day, eh? So do you think she will take one or three because of the weekend?" came a hushed voice from behind him and Merlin felt all the humiliation and disappointment boil over. He spun around and just a bit less than yelled "Shut the fuck up!" before he realised what this was all about. Cedric looked surprised but Merlin turned around again before he could see him looking at him smugly. He hated, hated, hated that slick . twat! It wasn't the first time he had tried to get Merlin to look bad or in trouble but today he had managed to do just that.

"Merlin! There is no swearing in my class!" Ms. Griffin had lost her usual happy-go-lucky-I'm-in-love-with-english-language-peace-and-love-attitude and the class wasn't murmuring anymore - Merlin could easily hear them talking. He automatically glanced towards Arthur who was sitting in front of Gwen and he looked honestly shocked. Merlin had to look away. "Everybody quiet! Now. The next to comment will have an special assignment to write a poem. And perform it in front of the class." Ms. Griffin boomed with a surprising amount of volume and the whole class went quiet in a heartbeat. "And Merlin, stay after the class please." She added. Her voice was again normal, but with the unnatural silence it sounded as booming as her yelling. Merlin could just nod and wait for the class to end. He would be late for football. He wouldn't be able to set everything up like he usually did. The whole team would know by the time he got there.

He stared at the surface of his desk the whole class. He didn't even take notes, what was the point anyway? He would never catch up either way. He couldn't look at Arthur. He knew he would have to eventually, but he couldn't do it. The minutes ticked and when the bell rung, Merlin bit the insides of his cheeks and made a point of not looking at anyone. Not Gwen who seemed to be dragged out by Vivian, not Jordan who tried to make a joke while passing and definitely not Cedric who lingered even after everybody else, even Arthur who had tried askin Ms. Griffin if he could be excused soon because of the football or something like that.

Finally Ms. Griffin closed the door basically pushing Cedric out while doing so. It had taken her six minutes. If Merlin could just get out before the team got into the gym. That left him now nine minutes and he could still get everything ready. Except that Arthur always kept the warm up brief on fridays. Maybe if he ran…"Merlin."

Merlin rose his gaze slowly to meet Ms. Griffin's who was leaning on the edge of the desk in front of him. That surprised Merlin a little and he felt momentarily off balanced. He had just expected a lecture of manners and what not. He had heard a bunch of those when he had had a habit of falling asleep during classes.

"I'm sorry for swearing and rising my voice and disturbing your teaching. I will bring the abstract to you the first thing on monday. Can I go now?" He was in wrong, she was right and I'm sorry. That was what his teachers wanted to hear. He didn't feel sorry, but he wanted out of this classroom right now.

Ms. Griffin looked surprised and Merlin realised that her eyes were huge. Huge and with long thick lashes she looked like a 50's cartoon. With her quite girly style and choice of haircut he had to wonder if it was all on purpose of fitting her eyes to a style, but the effect was ruined when she narrowed her eyes. Suddenly she felt a lot more scarier than before.

"What was that all about really?" She asked and Merlin started to sweat. How was he supposed to answer that? "It's nothing really, I just don't get along with that- Cedric." Ms Griffin tilted her head forward. She was looking him over her glasses she didn't have making her eyes even more huge. Merlin couldn't look away which resulted to a moment that seemed to hold forever where they just looked each others in the eyes. Finally Ms. Griffin sighed and broke the eye contact. He had only three minutes left.

"Yes, I noticed. But seriously Merlin, how are you doing?" She sounded almost pitying and there was something in that that made Merlin's anger rise again. "I'm doing fine, thank you for asking." he did everything he could not to grind his teeth and narrow his eyes. "Please Merlin, be honest with me. I don't want any trouble for you. You are an excellent student, but lately I have felt that there is something troubling you and I just want you to remember that I'm here for you. All of us teachers are."

There, the reason why Merlin felt angry. That right there had to be the riches lie he had ever heard. Sure, the teachers were suddenly there for him. Sure, she was worried of him. Now, when there had been hundreds of times worse times, years for Merlin. Where had this concern been then? Why did she think he needed her? Or her act of being a friend of her students?

He calculated his tone very carefully when he said "I don't know what to say, I'm doing fine. I just forgot the abstract with the novels on my desk this morning. And Cedric is just jealous of me helping out the football team." 'which is where I should be right now if you weren't wasting my time here!'

Ms. Griffin looked him from under her lashes again for a long time, but Merlin wasn't going to bulge and finally she sighed again. "Alright. But remember that you can always talk to me. Of anything. Even if you forget something, you can just tell me before the class so the rest of them doesn't have to hear about it." She just didn't get it. She just knew nothing about Merlin.

"Can I go now?" It was too late already. The team was filling the gym right now. Ms. Griffin hesitated but then nodded. "Yes, you can go." And Merlin was up and halfway to the door even before she had finished her sentence. "But Merlin!" Merlin froze at the door. "I'll let you of the hook now, but the next time I have to call your parents."

Merlin nodded and exited the room before he would say or do something stupid. Call his mother? Really?! And she was worried? Of what?! Cedric bullying him? Of his homework? His swearing? His attitude? What a great timing to get worried of him!

He started to run towards the gym using his anger as a fuel. When he got there, he was out of breath and sweaty. He was late, but when he opened the door to the gym, everything was already ready. Elyan was leading the warmup and Arthur was talking to Mithian in the background. She was holding a sack of balls and Merlin felt his insides crumble. It hurt, to see her there, where he should be. It was a clear reminder of how easily he could be replaced. In this, in Arthur's life, everything.

He didn't bother to do much after that. What did it matter anyway? He couldn't look anyone in the eye either, so he found himself from the coach's office fairly soon, just moving random papers around. He had almost an hour to go after he could find nothing to do anymore and so he sat behind the coach's desk. He could take a nap. That way he could have a break. To have a moment of not thinking about anything. An hour less he had to hear Mithian's voice yelling stuff alongside with Arthur… Stuff that was important to Arthur Merlin didn't even understand.

Merlin woke up a hand shaking his shoulder. He almost swatted at it and grumbled about something about leaving him alone, but it wasn't Arthur. He realised it before he fully opened his eyes because it just felt wrong.

The coach was looking at him amused of all things while Merlin stood up so fast he felt ill. Something was off and when the coach made a remark of the practices being over, Merlin knew it was too quiet. The gym was empty, they were alone. And the coach was standing in between him and the only way out.

It was the only place the coach could stand really, the office was narrow cubicle with a desk in the middle, but to him it felt suffocating. He wanted out, but he couldn't find his voice or make his feet move. His brain gave him blank. He didn't even know what he wanted to do. "I... have to go to clean..." He said very slowly. His palms were sweating. He hoped the coach would just move and he could go. Out. Somewhere else. "Miss Nemeth already took care of everything." the coach said now giving him half smile. He didn't move. "Actually, I wanted a word with you Merlin." He continued and Merlin froze completely. The room was closing on him, the space collapse around him and his voice died. He felt the walls he couldn't go through and the coach now half sitting on the edge of his desk felt even more impenetrable. He didn't know what the man wanted from him, but he could only think of one thing.

"I have to go to-" but he couldn't think of anything to say. The coach gave him a stern eye, he wasn't smiling anymore and the world seemed to turn black for Merlin. His arms dropped to his sides without him wanting them to. There was no strength in him left. Where was Arthur? The time slowed when the coach stood up and took a step closer. Merlin saw everything in slow motion. He heard the clock on the wall tick slowly, he heard the computer on the table hum, he watched as a corner of a paper on a pile on the desk fluttered slightly. The air was moving ever so slightly. Maybe because the coach was moving or because of the air conditioning? Merlin didn't know why he was focusing on this and the next thing he knew was that he couldn't breath. 'Breath' He told himself. But he couldn't. And then he couldn't see either.

There was something, maybe light or maybe just pitch black, but Merlin couldn't make anything of it. He couldn't see and he couldn't breath. There were hands, pushing him down, preventing him air. The time was slowing down and Merlin saw a path. A path out, but he couldn't take it and it was disappearing while the time stopped completely. He felt surreal. He was going mad. He was going mad or he was dying. And then the time started to move again. Fear took all of his being. He vaguely heard something move and he knew he had to fight. He had to fight the hands that kept pushing him down, that were strangling him, taking him, but he couldn't. "...lin" He was dying. He was dying and he begged to be saved. He would do anything to make it stop! Anything... "...in..." Yes, he would do anything... "...out..."

Slowly his vision bettered. He tried to say it. Say that he would do anything to make this stop but there was something in his mouth. He could feel it now. There was something in his mouth, something on his throat and chest. The coach, he was on top of him. "Merlin. With me. You know what to do. In-" 'No! No, No, NO NO!' Merlin's world went black again and he screamed but nothing came out. He just hear a weird whiny sound and he wished he could faint. Anything, Anything! "It's alright... in... out... in..."

But Merlin didn't faint. Slowly he came to again. He tried to fight it fearing what he saw even more than the darkness. "In... and out. In... and out. Merlin you can do this. Breath... good, in... and out." The coach... he was still on top of Merlin... no... in front of him.

Slowly Merlin became aware of his surroundings and when he did, at first he, saw, smelled and tasted everything. He wasn't lying on the ground, but sitting on the cool linoleum floor his legs sprawled and his back against the wall. He was sitting on a hand full of tacks he had probably taken down with him when he had slid down. "In... and out. In... and out." His mouth tasted like rubber for some reason. The whole gym reeked of sweat and the office like paper and dusty air conditioning. "In… and out..." The coach smelt like old coffee and newspaper ink. Merlin couldn't make sense in all he was sensing, so the only thing he could do was to listen, focus and comply. It was hard. The hardest thing Merlin felt he had ever done, but eventually he found it easiest to just do as the voice told him to. Breath. In and out. In and out. He was sitting on the floor. The coach was kneeled in front of him, his hand on Merlin's shoulder and the other on Merlin's throat. On top of Merlin's own hand, trying to pry it off as gently as possible. Merlin's own fingers digging into his own flesh. He wasn't that close. He wasn't coming closer. He didn't look angry. He didn't sound mad.

Slowly, the coach managed to move Merlin's hand while Merlin stared with wide unblinking eyes. He moved it slowly to Merlin's chest and covered it with his own still telling him steadily to breath in ... and out. In ... and out. Merlin felt something slide out of his mouth and he had just enough time to realise it was his own fingers before the coach slowly pressed them to his own chest. Merlin nearly lost it again right then. His breathing hitched and he lost the rhythm. He tried to struggle. He was breathing too fast. "With me now. In... and out. In... and out. You are doing great Merlin, in... and out." His voice was calm and sure and Merlin breathed. Slowly, following the rhythm of the rising chest in front of him, concentrating only to that, forcing himself to mimic it. Nothing else. Just in... and out... and eventually he felt their breathing sync. Eventually he remembered how to do it on his own and when he did, the coach genty let go of his hands.

"You just had a panic attack, have you had one before?" The question had so many words in it... Merlin shook his head slowly. It felt light and empty. Panic attack... that sounded... somehow lame. Or unnecessary. Or just... was it a real thing? "...Might only be one time, this doesn't mean you will have one ever again..." Merlin wasn't really listening. Everything was still a bit confusing. His hand was still on the coach's chest. The fifty plus something man's chest. Just holding on and he didn't know how to let go. "...and nothing is really wrong. You are safe. I know it's horrible, but everything is..." The coach was still talking, and it felt nice. Merlin was more focused on his tone than his words. It soothed him. "If you need me to, I can take you home. My car is parked right outside, so it's no problem." were the words that got Merlin to snap out of his current state, his walls building themselves rapidly intact. A car. He would not go to a car with anyone.

"No. I'm fine. I can get home by myself!" He said too fast and he pulled his hand from the coach's chest. The coach looked him straight in the eyes. Merlin couldn't answer the stare. He tried to collect himself, he had to do that, but the coach was faster. "Merlin, you don't seem fine to me. Please, let me get you home. Just so I don't have to worry." The tone was so nice. Nicer than Merlin ever remembered hearing from him, but the words rubbed him the wrong way. "I am fine. I was just a bit tired, that's all." He claimed.

"Are you sure? It really is no trouble." The coach was so out of character that Merlin almost gave in. Almost. "No. Arthur will drive me home anyway." He said and the coach gave. "Alright. That's good." He seemed to hesitate a moment and then continued "You know I have been meaning to talk with you. And maybe Arthur..." This wasn't what Merlin wanted to hear. He didn't want to talk. He wanted to get home. Alone. "I'm worried that you have too much on your shoulders right now. "

And that was how Merlin remembered that he didn't like the coach. At all. Too much on his shoulders... that was so rich! Like he had the choice on the matter! Like he could choose not to have the past he had, not go to school, not to be gay, not to help the love of his life with the things he could!? Like he had the choice…

"It's just... you are here from eight to five every day and you are not even part of the team..." The coach continued and Merlin's anger just fueled. Right there. It hurt. It hurt because he knew he wasn't part of the team and he was angry because he didn't need a reminder of that! "You could maybe come every other day. Or just start things up and then leave. All of this, doesn't seem necessary." He just continued and pointed at the papers Merlin had left scattered on the table. The ones he did every day. It was humiliating.

"Well I wouldn't have to do it if you bothered to do your job!" He was shouting. His throat felt raspy and it hurt. But he hated the coach and now was the time to make it known. "If you cared enough to even remember your students names, I wouldn't have to do half of it!"

"Merlin, I'm sure even Arthur doesn't read half of this." The coach sounded calm, compassionate, almost pitying and Merlin felt like he had been hit. Everything he had thought he had held on were being ripped out of his reach. "In fact he does because he takes his job seriously!"

It was a lie. He didn't know. But he was out. He had stormed halfway of the gym before he thought of were he was going. There were three ways out: to hallway behind him that lead nowhere this late, to locker rooms or to the field. It was an easy decision.

Once he had banged the metal gym door with a heavy lock shut behind him with more force than necessary, Merlin's anger grumbled. It was one of the first days the spring sun was truly warm and Merlin was shivering to the core.

He leaned to the cold wall next to the door. Just for a second, because he couldn't move forward, he couldn't even stand without the help of something solid. There was another door about ten meters from the one he had stepped out. It was the exit form the locker rooms and a group of few exited chattering and making noise and Merlin couldn't see anyone now. He couldn't be seen, he couldn't take anyone talking to him so he pushed himself off of the wall and started to walk as fast as he could and he didn't look back. He made sure he didn't even see who had been in the group.

He didn't really have any direction, but he only felt one option: he had to get home. To his room and close the door. His mind was overloaded and he felt so many things at once. But the only thing he could put into words was something he could remember very clearly. How much he felt fear of what had happened, it was turning to mud in his mind, but one word: 'anything'. He would have done anything to make it stop and he knew fully well what he had meant by it. The very thought made him feel betrayed by himself. He hated himself for it and he wished, from the bottom of his heart that if he ever, ever had to choose from that and anything he had feared during his… panic attack… madness, darkness, death… he would have the courage to choose those. His mind and senses again his, Merlin knew he would rather die than let the coach, or anyone, rape him, use his body like Uther had.

He was already almost home and he had to slow his step. His only goal was his room and yet he was afraid to walk into the house. There he knew he would have to think. His mind had been focused on his way, but when he would complete his task of getting home, he had no idea what would happen. He stalled, but eventually he stepped inside. His mother was there. In the kitchen. She didn't know anything yet and Merlin rushed upstairs feeling the time tick slowly past. He didn't reply to his mother's cheery 'welcome home'. He didn't even look at her.

When the door was shut behind him, Merlin felt everything let go. His legs gave in, his mind raced and his tears started to flow. He felt so alone and failed. He was a failure. He had just made a mistake after a mistake for so long and now he was in a dead end. He had been ready to give anything, all the things he had told himself he had hated, all the things he had thought had been the worst that could ever have happened to him. And he had just- there was no question of it. He was damaged. Beyond repair and he was- he was a nuisance for everyone close to him. Thoughts of Arthur tried to surface but he refused them. He couldn't think of Arthur right now. It would hurt too much. And he couldn't take it now. Everything hurt already. And it was his fault. Everything hurt because of his own stupidity and because of his decisions in the past. Because he was gay. Because he had let Uther use him. Because he was this pathetic mess he was. And it wouldn't stop. He was just doing the same thing over and over again and he would disappoint everyone who had believed in him. It hurt so bad and he only knew one way to stop the hurting… The next thing Merlin knew was that he was standing in front of his desk, the small carving knife he had never thrown out in his hand.

Merlin dropped the knife and jumped back when it hit the floor. He hadn't really… he had thought of it hadn't he? He would have done it again. Cut himself to escape to the pain and that scared him more than he ever would have thought it would. He stared at the unmoving knife on the floor dumply while his insides seemed to sink. Uther was in prison. The coach was actually a really nice guy. Arthur had been only supportive. His mother had only ever understood him when he had given her the chance. He had friends. Will was still his friend. Even Ms. Griffin. She had tried and he had done the same thing he had done to Lance: refused the help. Everyone around him were safe and so many tried to help him, but he himself, he should be afraid of himself the most.

It was a snap decision. Merlin took two strides to their closet, grabbed the gift bag Gwaine had given him and emptied it on the floor. Then he turned back, picked up the knife touching it as little as possible, dropped it into the bag and rolled it shut. He couldn't be in the same house with it. He walked out. Hunith was still in the kitchen. She was on the phone and Merlin knew immediately it was Arthur.

"Yes, he came home a while ago… He didn't mention- oh no it's alright! Nothing to worry….I'll tell him... he just came dow-...n" Her face fell when she actually looked at Merlin. He didn't have to wonder how he looked, he knew. "Arthur has your bag, he asks if you need anything else..." She was looking Merlin straight in the eye, her voice distant, flat. They both knew details like that didn't matter right now. "My jacket. It's in my locker. I'm going to see Gwaine." There was a moment of silence. Hunith looked at his son lost and desperate.

"Oh, Ah, did you hear that?" Huntih seemed to remember Arthur was still on the phone, she broke the eye contact. Maybe so she could make herself concentrate even a bit to something that wasn't his son, still standing on the steps. Merlin knew he could use this moment and just walk out. His mother might run after him, but he could try. Still he didn't.

"Sure, please say Tom hi and thank you. Will you eat there?... Alright, I'll leave you something, call me if you are late… bye love." Huntih put the phone away and looked at Merlin again. It took almost everything he had not to cry and to move those last steps closer to his mother. The air felt heavy, but it was not time to talk.

"I'm going to see Gwaine." Merlin repeated when he was standing directly in front of his mother. It was important. The only direction he could move forward to, not backwards to his closet or to bathroom with his knife. It felt like it was burning his tight even through the gift bag. "When will you be back?" There was so much worry and so much pain behind the calm, almost mundane tone his mother used and Merlin felt the unwanted tears swell in his eyes. He felt it so strongly, his mother, she understood him. They both felt what the other was feeling right now. "I'm not sure… I- I will bring something for evening tea." and when he had said that, he felt something like relief. He saw it in his mother's eyes too. The air was easier to breath now. He was coming home. His direction was to move forward and it would bring him back home.

Hunith swept a stray hair behind his ear with a gentle movement. His hair was getting long. "Carrot cake, if he has." She said. As if he was just popping to a store in any regular day, but she too was crying, tears just dropping from her eyes and Merlin reached to wipe few of them from her cheeks. It was inevitable that they hugged. Strongly and for a long time. He loved his mother so much… he hated how much grieve he had caused to her and at the same time he was so grateful of her. Today, they wouldn't talk but Merlin felt something much stronger.

"I won't be long." He finally reassured his mother and she reluctantly let go. But she still did and Merlin knew it was because she choose to trust he was coming back. "Buy a big piece, Arthur is always hungry these days." His mother attempted on lightening the mood. "He will get fat." Merlin let her and she laughed a bit watery. With a final squeeze to his arm Hunith let him go and Merlin went. He walked straight to Gwaine's shop thinking nothing but his objective.

Gwaine was behind his counter serving his customers with a smile. His shop was warm and he his apron was tied so loose it managed to look indecent. "My mother wanted carrot cake." Merlin stated when it was his turn. He had chosen the biggest slice of brownie he had found. "Well apologies, but I'm not a bakery." Gwaine replied with good humour. "You have seven brands of beer, four wine, three sandwiches, three different cakes, six kind of fruits, one bread and a gazillon types of sweets. I'm not sure what you are." Gwaine just grinned at him.

"Can you take this?" Merlin asked without even spearing a thought that the answer might be no and thrusted the bag in his hand towards Gwaine. "Sure." he said immediately without asking any questions. It was a huge relief for Merlin. "Do you want to sit down for a second or- Hi Max, the usual?" A customer walked in again. "Ah, yes and something for tea for seven, Precious is coming over with the kids." Behind him walked in two girls who immediately started to count their money and eyeing the labels of sweets. Maybe it was better if he just went…. "Here, help yourself anything from the fridge your mother would approve." Gwaine said and handed Merlin his keys to upstairs. Merlin took them dumbfoundedly. He wasn't sure if he could… but then he looked at Gwaine who was already joking with the girls at the same time he was handing cakes to… Max. It was so easy, the gesture. He had Gwaine's keys and he just trusted Merlin with them, with his home. It was alright and so Merlin turned towards Gwaine's door without hesitation or reply.

Gwaine's home was again weirdly clean and tidy. Merlin would have never thought it would be if he hadn't come so many times unannounced that he already knew it was a norm. It was weird, being in someone's home alone. Theoretically he could do anything. Open the cupboards and steal the tv. He wandered around a bit and eventually opened the fridge. There was lot of stuff. All mitch matched and some things there was way too much for one person. Apparently Gwaine only ate what was left unsold. There was also beer and an almost empty bottle of red wine. Merlin touched nothing.

Finally he wandered to Gwaine's bedroom. He had seen it but he had never been inside. There he opened few doors not really looking inside at all. Lastly he skimmed through everything on his bedside table. There was a wholesale catalogue, calendar and two National geographic magazines, How to kill a mockingbird bookmarked to the seventh page and The devil wears Prada bookmarked about 50 pages from the end alongside with tissues, painkillers and some trinkets Merlin had seen on Gwaine's neck and wrists. Merlin chuckled. He would probably never figure out the force of nature that was Gwaine. He felt tired. The bed looked soft.

It took only seconds to fall asleep after curling to way too many blankets and pillows for one person. They did smell a bit stale. So even Gwaine didn't do it all Merlin thought before falling asleep.

---

Gwaine was so relieved he almost dropped himself to the floor and laughed when Merlin walked in. The tone Hunith had when she called had prepared him to drop everything in just few minutes and go running to search Merlin from every ditch and hole he could think of. But there he was, 6 minutes after he had left home, right on time and seemingly in one piece.

After getting Merlin where he at least knew where he was and getting rid of his regulars, he opened the bag Merlin had given him. This time he did find himself from the floor.

Nothing, nothing in his life had even prepared him for this. What was he supposed to think of this?! It was a knife, yes, and he didn't need the other brain cell he possessed to know this was the one Merlin had used for self damage. What was he supposed to do with it?!

He managed to pull himself together when the doorbell rang again. He wasn't a big fan of letting his personal distress show. But the second the store was empty again, he closed the door and put 'closed for approximately some time' -sign out. He didn't run upstairs but it was close. He opened the door and only then thought how screwed he would have been if Merlin had locked it behind him. It was quiet, the way it normally was and it took awhile and a mild panic for Gwaine to find Merlin sleeping soundly from his bed.

Gwaine leaned to the door frame and sighed. Merlin looked tired even asleep. He didn't know what it was, but he decided that he wouldn't pry. It was alright for him to be like this now. The friend who wouldn't ask too much. God knew there had been enough asking questions in between them. But he would always be there.

He left the number of his shop's phone next to Merlin and a promise he would close at seven tonight. Merlin didn't even stir when Gwaine pulled some more blanket on top of him. On his way down he sent Hunith a text that told her Merlin was here and he would be fed. Gwaine thought how Percy was the only one he would ever let sleep in the sacred spot people called a bed. Until now, that is.

---

"Here you go, I thought you would like some whipped cream too…" Arthur glanced at Gwen from the bed he was lying on. "Thanks" he said, but made no move to take the offered hot chocolate. Gwen sighed and placed the cup on a shelve that was above her bed. Lately Arthur felt that sometimes it was hard to wake up, stand up, move and keep moving. It all needed effort. Now he couldn't even sit up. Thinking of doing so made him feel out of breath.

Arthur was tired. So very tired and today had been awful. The whole week and few weeks before that too. And the year and the ones before this one. Most of his life actually if he was completely honest. Every day Arthur felt more on his shoulders. It was stupid, in his opinion, last fall he had thought he should be happy. Happy to get out of the life that had made him miserable, happy to have his sister back, a mother figure, freedom, opportunity to have friends, to choose his own career and path and of course Merlin. But now it felt every day piled more to his shoulders. He had been naive and simple and short sighted. Everyday he found the burder grow. The relationship with Morgana was fragile at it's best and when they were talking on the phone there was no Merlin to help him with her. What came to Hunith, Arthur couldn't let her be a mother to him. He couldn't have anything that would make Merlin even seem like his brother and so even if he graved for a mother, he couldn't give into Huntih's easy warmth and welcoming presence. With the guys he had fun. But it was limited and half of the time Arthur wasn't sure what to do or say. Because he hated lying to them. About everything important. For what he wanted, he wasn't sure half of the time and even when he felt he knew, he had to postpone pursuing because he still had his responsibilities. And Merlin… Arthur had made a mess of things in so many levels. And he wasn't sure the situation would change much in the near future.

Gwen sat on her computer chair and put some music on. Arthur wasn't used to listening music, but he guessed it was nice. It filled the space somehow. But it did nothing to ease the heavy feeling receding on his chest. He had so much to do and too much to think and be and understand. He didn't know from where to start. It all started to pile up the moment he woke up and only ended when he fell asleep. Only to be worse the next morning.

But yesterday, yesterday had been nice. The night before had ended with him being a coward and not daring to follow Merlin when he had made clear he didn't want Arthur nowhere near him. But then Arthur had woken up with Merlin's blanket on top of him and Merlin had been sleeping on his back. He had thought it meant his tattoo was healed and finally Merlin would be back to sleeping in bed with him! He had felt so warm inside. For a moment he had been worried of nothing. Nothing was so impossible when he had Merlin next to him. When Merlin had forgiven him. He had ended up stroking Merlin's hair. He just hadn't been able to help himself and when Merlin had woken up, he had smiled. Oh Arthur had melted right there and he had barely registered Merlin had been sorry for his harsh words from the day before. It didn't matter at all.

But then when the night had come, Merlin had gone to the couch again. It hurt. Badly. Arthur had washed extra carefully, he had tried extra hard to look pleasing to Merlin. He had put on a new pair of red boxers he had hoped Merlin would like and combed his hair in a way he thought looked the best on him. He had thought of themes to talk about, he had stored few jokes he had heard and he had saved on telling Merlin how much he had liked the cookies he had gotten for Valentines. To him, it felt something vulnerable, to try so hard and seeing Merlin on the couch was a rejection if Arthur had ever seen one (And he had seen many). And Arthur hated sleeping alone. It wasn't that he couldn't, he actually slept better that way.

Arthur was used on sleeping alone in a wide bed since he was a child. With Merlin there he woke up at least twice during the night. Merlin was hot, but his feet were cold. He blocked the siculation from his arm and at times Merlin's hands were in places they never were when he was awake. That made it very hard for Arthur to fall back asleep. But… falling asleep alone felt lonely and waking up was twice as bad. And it became harder and harder every morning.

Even before Arthur opened his eyes, he knew he was alone. There was no weight or warm presence or the sweet soft smell of home. And it was worse when he opened his eyes. When they had moved, Arthur had thought he didn't care which furniture they took as long as it was all fine with Merlin, but now he regretted taking anything at all from that house. Every morning, for a little while he was back in that room. Back in the lonely house where he was always alone and wasn't allowed outside without a good reason and was expected to achieve the impossible. And after that came the knowledge to what lenghts he had gone with it. All that for just a few words of acknowledgement from a man he couldn't even tolerate thinking of now. One would think seeing Merlin sleeping on the couch would help, but it just made Arthur feel lonelier. Arthur was seriously thinking of using a chunk of the money he had been saving and just buy a new everything.

"It will get cold you know…" Arthur glanced at Gwen. She looked disapproving and Arthur finally found the will to sit up. He took the mug from the shelve and took a sip while adjusting Gwen's pillow behind his back. The whipped cream was partly melted but the taste was divine, rich and more like melted chocolate than milk with flavor. He was so hungry… it felt like ages since he ate lunch. He sighed before looking up at Gwen. Gwen looked at him and her eyebrows started to rise. "It's really good." He said. Talking too, it took effort, but Gwen just stared and then sighed. What now? He had said it was good!

"Has anyone told you you have no manners? Ever?" Arthur stared. He felt attacked with no reason. "…I said it's good… Thank you." Arthur fought his annoyance because Gwen was Merlin's friend but he got another sigh for his trouble. He was ready to tell how Gwen herself was being unreasonable, but Gwen spoke first. "You ring my doorbell, ask for my brother, walk in even if he's not home. I invite you in and make you hot chocolate and after that you feel it's alright to walk into my room and rummage my bed and now you realise it's nice to say 'thank you'."

Oh.

"I…" He didn't know what to say. "Sorry, the word is sorry." Gwen said and somehow it didn't sound mean or mocking. Arthur looked down. He felt the weight of the word and more. He had done this so many times, hadn't he? It seemed the more he tried, the more he found how bad he was reading these kind of atmospheric signs. He had probably done something like this with Merlin hundreds of time. And it would have been so tempting to blame his father. The evil in his life. That he had never taught Arthur how to deal with normal communication. But he couldn't. Not really. Because at some point it just wasn't enough of an excuse. Especially with Merlin he should know better. Like after Merlin had gotten the tattoo.

Merlin had been great. Truly great. He had seemed so cool about everything and he hadn't even flinched when the needle had started to pierce his skin over and over again. Arthur had. He had held Merlin's hand just to get through it. And the tattoo looked great. Arthur was sure he had never seen anything so tempting in his life. There was just something in the sharp contrast of ink against Merlin's pale skin… even when it was still messy and Merlin's skin angry red. The few glimpses he had seen of it later had done things to Arthur. And he had wanted to tell that to Merlin and he had wanted to see it better, in private. But he hadn't dared to ask because he had ruined the day by dragging Merlin around by hand in public and to eat and by going on and on about football and whatnot and then he had just assumed Merlin was fine with taking his shirt off and Arthur touching him without warning. Even telling how much he liked it had gone wrong when Arthur had only managed to say it looked sexy and he had even suggested things… drivinging Merlin to throw up and go to the couch.

"I'll sit on the floor…" he said and rubbed his eyes. He had to get better at this. He was now angering Merlin's friends too. Gwen shook her head. "It's alright. Just if you come to hang out in my room it would be nice if you hung out with me too." There was half a smile in her face and finally Arthur understood. He really needed it spelled out. He really wanted Merlin to spell it out to him too.

"Of course. Sorry for being such an ass." Gwen laughed. "Nothing new under the sun then." she laughed and it wasn't mean. Arthur laughed a bit too. It was good, Gwen's company did him good. They talked a bit of school. Complained about the same assignments and liked the same teachers. They talked about football and how the first match, scheduled to the end of April, would be against the school they barely beat last year. It was refreshing. Until it wasn't anymore.

The school he couldn't keep up with anymore, the assignments he hadn't finished and should be at home doing right now, the home where Merlin wasn't, the teachers he would have to face again too soon, the football… it was too much. He had always been a good player, it was part of his identity, something that had nothing to do with anything else, but now he wasn't any more. He was beyond rusty. He had grown and while doing that he hadn't played and now it felt he couldn't even run right. His limbs were all too long and heavy. And he had his team. The responsibility of their victory felt heavy.

"Arthur? Something the matter?" Gwen asked and Arthur realised he had been staring at his now empty mug. "No! Nothing really. Just spaced out for a second." He wasn't supposed to let any of this show. After all, he had nothing to complain about. "What's in your mind?" Gwen asked, curious. Or maybe just interested. Really, truly interested. Arthur didn't know what to say. What was in his mind?

Merlin, sex, football, need to practice passing to his left side before he made a fool out of himself in front of his team, Morgana, Morgana's visit coming, where should Morgana sleep during her stay?, Where should he take her?, How was Morgause?, Had Merlin commented any of it?, Was Merlin still at Gwaine's? Why hadn't he asked Arthur to come with him?, Merlin, homework, school, future, home, family, Merlin, he hadn't checked any of his cellphone's alerts today, was there something new?, Merlin….

"I don't know. A lot, I guess. Mainly football." He said. Could he talk with Gwen? Really talk… the way he had wanted to talk with Merlin, but hadn't had opportunities lately. Or maybe he had had them, but he had feared the reaction. In a way he had never before. Not with Merlin.

"You can always talk to me, if it helps. About anything. I'll listen." Gwen said and it was so tempting, to take the offer. Right now and bable about everything. But he didn't know from where to start and while thinking about it, he came to his senses. "Thanks, but I bet you have already heard all about how badly I play nowadays from Elyan." It hurt to admit it like that, but he guessed it was true anyway.

Gwen looked at him a bit funny. "I'm not sure Elyan would agree, he has been thrilled to play with you again." Those were maybe the most beautiful words Arthur had heard in a while. He felt a smile tug his lips even if the feeling that she was just saying dulled the good feeling quickly. "Thanks, I needed that." He said anyway and he knew he meant it. Gwen smiled back at him. "You are too harsh on yourself sometimes." Arthur shook his head. He wished. Then maybe he wasn't failing everything important in his life. "Weren't you just saying I have no manners?" Gwen laughed and said she had meant both. Arthur just shook his head again. They talked a bit more and ended up doing most of their homework together with refill of hot chocolate. That took some of the burden from Arthur and when he was driving home, he felt a bit better. He hoped Merlin would be home too.

He wasn't and Arthur ate some chinese with Hunith. Gwaine had called and told Merlin would eat there.

Since the homework was mostly done, Merlin wasn't at home and practicing passing was out of question at half past nine, Arthur threw himself to bed and took his cell out. His muscles ached. He knew painfully well how close he was over exercising himself. In worst case scenario he wouldn't be able to play if he hurt himself or worse, really broke something permanently just because he was too tired to realise he was running against a wall before he hit it. Even tripping could cost him his ability to play right now.

His phone was full of notifications. His team chat was busy as always, but he rarely read much and commented even less. What interested him were his other communities of which he still hadn't talked to anyone.

Arthur had found the internet.

Basically it had all started with the team chat which stayed on topic for about one minute at a time. Jokes, links and memes were flying around and once in a while Arthur had opened some links. And one time he had, there had been an add in a sidebar that offered help for alcoholics, anonymous. It had somehow made Arthur interested, but it had still taken few days to figure out why. Of course, if there was a site like that, there had to be something for other types of troubles in life too. It had taken him a week to admit that it meant there was a site for him too. And that he might want to check it out.

Finding one hadn't been a problem. Finding one he liked amongst the hundreds of sites he found was. Chats, information, log in, mental health problems, abuse, abuse for males, abuse for male children, LBGTA+ community, gays, adolescentes gays, articles, chat, private messaging, small site, local site, huge international site… there were so many options and combinations and finally Arthur found the style he liked. He liked sites supported by organisations with professional answers and moderation but a free commenting and preferably some kind of logging in opportunity. Behind an username of course. One of his favourites had listed some ground rules when he had made an account: Do not use your real name, never tell where you live or what is your profession, names of your family members…. He had taken it to himself to never let that kind of information slip in any conversation he had participated in. It made him feel more secure. And feeling safe was his right.

Now, he was part of four sites he used regularly. One for mental health issues in general, two for sexual minorities and one for gays and their relatives. He had the topics interested him the most on alert and he followed several people.

In the internet he had been able to get answers to so many questions that tortured him daily. Behind nicknames similar to his, there were people who had suffered abuse and those close to them and all of them were willing to talk. And everyone, everyone was so different. And with their openness Arthur had found words. Not just to help Merlin like he had originally thought, but to describe himself too. And that had been how he had been hooked. It was intoxicating, to talk like this, to find out about himself. Even if it had been hard at first. Somehow, it had been easier to start new lines of conversation by ' Hey, my boyfriend has gone through sexual abuse, how can I help him?' compared to 'Hi! I want to have sex with my boyfriend but I fear I'll hurt him. What can I do?' and the worst yet: 'Mentally abused? When I was child, my father was never home and he barely talked to me if it wasn't to yell for my grades. I could rarely leave the house and….'

He had gotten an unambiguous reply from a professional from the site how his case was definitely a mental abuse. He got encouragement and kind words, surety to what he had already gathered and suggestion to talk and an address he could send an email if he ever wanted help for finding help with his real name. He had also gotten few comments with kind words and similar stories. He had read them all about hundreds of times. It all made him feel a bit better. Now it somehow made sense how much he hated his past each day. Somehow now it was more justiciable. Even if he still felt strong shame because of it.

The other important thing he had found a word for was his sexuality. In the midst of sexual minorities he had found a word he had never heard before but which matches better than anything Arthur had ever heard. Demisexual, he was demisexual.

It shouldn't have been such a relief. He had known he was a minority and he was dating Merlin, so in any case he would be labeled as a gay, so what did it matter really? But it did. It did because now he wasn't just weird. There were others like him and most of all, he hadn't changed. It had been weird how little he had been interested in sex before Merlin and now it was weird how much it did interest him, how gradually his interest had come to life and how he just couldn't stop wanting. When Merlin was present.

He liked it, he liked the description of how his sexuality was linked to love. That's why porn and pictures his team mates shared 'as a joke' never did anything for him. He mostly found them a bit too much. But when Merlin bend to pick a ball from the gym floor it was a wonder how Arthur managed not to kick himself in the face. And there were others like him. He had read descriptions similar to his and he had chatted with few. And finally he was quite sure he was also demi-bi. An useless classification because he felt he would never love anyone like he loved Merlin, but after one online discussion and a long mental play of how he would feel if Merlin was a woman, he had come to a conclusion it didn't matter. He would want Merlin even if he was a woman and as a woman. It had been a bit hard to look him in the eye the next morning, but it was nice to introduce himself as demi-bi in his very brief profile page.

Still he was a regular in a gay site too. There, he didn't say anything about the bi-part. He didn't think it was too relevant and in a way he felt he was there for Merlin's part too. Even if he hadn't yet found a will and courage to tell Merlin about all this.

This was the only thing he felt hard to talk with Merlin. Maybe, he told to himself, it was because he didn't know yet of what to talk. He still needed answers before he could be fully open. And the anonymity was the key to be open part.

Of course anonymity also bought problems. Misplaced comments, dirty talk, suggestions, tries to find company, criticism and sadly even trolls and hate talk. The mental health one was the cleanest. It was well moderated and the formula was that every question was first answered by professionals and only then the chat opened for those who had logged in. One of the sexual minorities ones was all over the place, but it was also easy to skip anything he didn't care too much about and the section for asexuals (including demis) was very factual. The other one was small, a local thing. Actually a local for the city Arthur lived in. It had felt too close a home at first, but in the end he had decided to trust on the anonymity. And now, among other things, he knew a bunch of restaurants and shops he would not visit. The one for gays was very emotional, too much at times for Arthur, but it stayed on topic because all the relatives and will to make every ankle understood. There, trolls were very easy to identify and they were left without comments and thus they disappeared soon.

Arthur had left few sites. One was because of hate talk. He couldn't take it. He couldn't hear he was sick or disturbed or sinner or going to hell. Not even from faceless people. Not for something that was so important to him and played such a huge role in his life. Especially when the said faceless people were the only people he could truly be open of what he wanted. Maybe it would have been alright with anything else, but especially sex and sexuality were topics Arthur couldn't take it. Every mean comment he heard in his head with his father's voice.

Obviously, he had never had sex. Still nowadays it interested him to no end when Merlin was near or even in his thoughts. Arthur had masturbated less than ten times in his whole life before last Christmas, but after their trip, the dam had opened and he had lost count in a week. He wanted Merlin so badly. And it hit him like a tide too often. He feared one day it would be once too often and he would turn to something similar to his father. That was his greatest fear and he did everything he could not to pressure Merlin to anything. He wished he had a guide of how to behave, but he hadn't.

Because everyone was so different.

Some seemed to fear growds, some found them comforting. Some said they shut down if they saw someone who looked like their predator, some lived with gripling fear that their abuser would find them. Even if they had changed their name or moved to another country. Even if the predator was in prison. Some didn't want physical contact at all, some needed it to remember they could be loved, some felt angry for no reason and bitter with every reason in the world, some struggled with self harm and thoughts of suicide and some felt their life had just begun. Some were still being abused.

Those people Arthur always tried to encourage then to tell their parents, police, employer, friends, quit the job right now, leave the house, do something and never alone. Some thanked him, they had been searching for the final push to end it all, to hear they had the right and they weren't just over reacting and that it could be done, that it was their right. But then there were those who didn't dare. It's just few months before I move out anyway, the customer doesn't come that often, I'm searching for a new job and I just have to put up with it for a while, it's she and she could just say I raped her, my friends call me lucky, I can't, my mother loves him, he only visits during holidays anyway, no-one would believe me… It hurt Arthur because he had done the same mistake. It had only been huge amount of luck he hadn't paid a much worse price for his idiocy.

It was also a huge amount of luck Merlin wasn't afraid of him and was ready to be close and sleep in the same bed and even some more… but at times Arthur felt paralyzed thinking of what Merlin really thought. If he had been in the chats, what would he say? 'I don't really want to... makes me uncomfortable… but my boyfriend wants it so…' The thought made Arthur's insides turn. And so Arthur had decided not to do anything unless Merlin did it first. It was his ground rule. If Merlin wanted to just sit next to him, he wouldn't pressure him into anything more. Not even if Merlin's warm body pressed against him made his whole body vibrate with want. It was like with magnets, the closer Merlin was to him, the harder it was to fight the pull he felt towards him. But he tolerated it because that way he knew he wouldn't go too far. And at first it had seemed to work.

The way Merlin had kissed him on Valentine's had kept him smiling for days. And he had been able to just follow Merlin's lead. He was a bit proud of that. He had thought the things would proceed naturally. But after the tattooing, Merlin had been distant. At first Arthur had been worried of the amount of pain Merlin was in. But gradually it changed to a selfish worry about if Merlin wanted to be close to him anymore. He had wanted to ask many times, but he feared the answer too much. Especially when lately Merlin didn't seem to want to hug him, sitting next to him Arthur could feel how stiff Merlin was. Even stay in the same room with him. And Arthur would have wanted to tell to himself the same he told in the forums. That he was afraid of pushing Merlin too far. But he wasn't. He was afraid Merlin would reject him. Because Merlin was his everything.

Morgana's words 'I'm not sure if that's exactly healthy' had rung in Arthur's head more often than he cared to admit. He knew Morgana had implied a completely different thing. That Arthur was with Merlin out of pity. That he had felt guilty because Merlin had been hurt and when he had admitted he loved Arthur, Arthur had told him he felt the same. Out of pity. It was so far from the truth it was almost laughable. But the words still hit home.

To Arthur Merlin was his best friend, his boyfriend, probably the love of his life, his only real chance of a family. He was a link to his sister, to Hunith, Gwaine, Gaius and Gwen. Without Merlin, Arthur wouldn't even have a roof above his head. He would have some money, clothes, cellphone, half a decent report card from a prestigious school and few memoirs of a mother Arthur had never met. Was that a healthy base for a relationship? Arthur was quite sure it wasn't, but what could he expect? His life until now hadn't been exactly healthy either.

His first memories from his childhood were waiting by the door for his father to come home. At the time he rarely did. He remembered being sad a lot and crying a lot too. He remembered Morgana picking up the pieces. He remembered it had never felt enough, but she had done a lot. Probably her very best. She had read him stories and played with him and hugged him goodnight. Until she hadn't anymore.

He remembered how she had hugged him one last time before leaving home and he remembered his father telling him very matter of factly how it had been his sister's time to go to university and how she would call when she had settled down. She never did and Arthur had tried to forget how he wasn't missed by her either.

Around that time Arthur had become more and more angry and he had fought with his father a lot always apologizing in the end because he, as he had to admit now, had been too afraid to lose the little connection he had with his father. He had needed the attention he had felt he only got by disagreeing with him, but afraid he would take a step too far and lose everything.

Then Merlin had walked into his life and with such a little effort he had changed everything. Arthur had found new motivation and purpose. He had gotten better at school and Lance and the team had trusted his ability and enthusiasm enough to be made a captain. And finally his father too, had been happy with him. For few short years Arthur had thought he had understood his father. He had just wanted his son to succeed and thrive in life. And finally Arthur learned to navigate and communicate with him. Hunith was nice and expect for his pining towards Merlin he had the family he had wanted. And it had all been a lie.

Even Merlin, he too had lied and left so much unsaid. When Arthur was having a bad day and he didn't know what to do, he remembered it and felt hurt and betrayed. But as the time passed, the more Arthur forgot. He knew how genuine Merlin feelings had been behind his choices and as Arthur read more stories while remembering all he had seen and knew about Merlin's, he had to wonder what he would have done himself. Besides, Merlin was and had been there for Arthur. He was still here unlike anyone else was. And there lied a huge chunk of Arthur's insecurities.

Behind an username and an avatar of a football, Arthur had gotten replies and reassurance that he too was worth of love, family and friends who supported him. That it wasn't his fault, he was a great guy. Even if it was hard right now, it was a sure thing he and his boyfriend would be alright in the end and if not, there was someone else who would see how nice guy he was and would be there for him like he deserved. Arthur valued those comments, but he couldn't see himself as someone deserving such devotion. Arthur wasn't sure what it was that had made Merlin love him in the first place. He wish he knew, because one thing he had found troubling in all he had learned was how easy it was to confuse these things when someone had gone through something like Merlin had. He feared it so much. That someday Merlin would tell him he was sorry, it all had been a mistake, he had been clinging to Arthur because he had been nice to him, because he had been there, he had been confused about his motivations, his sexuality, his love…

Merlin on the other hand deserved everything. Arthur had no doubt in that. While Arthur felt everything collapse slowly but surely around him, Merlin who in his opinion had gone through a lot worse was working hard while never complaining. He was ahead in school with seemingly no effort, he was helping the team every day and Arthur was shamed to say he hadn't had time to even as much as take a glimpse of the notes Merlin had made. Unlike Arthur, Merlin knew what he wanted and he didn't try to please anyone he didn't like. He was handsome and his smiles could melt ice ages or even Vivian it seemed. He was brave and he always seemed to have an answer or a comeback ready. And on the side he ran around helping elders and playing with children.

Arthur sighed and dropped his phone. He didn't have energy for reading anything right now. Helium17, one of his favourites, had written something about upcoming Pride and Nanana had replied to his comment, but Arthur couldn't make himself care enough. He should just go to sleep.

About half an hour later he heard the front door open and close. He heard Merlin and Hunith talk a bit, but he couldn't hear the words. Now, now he had to talk with Merlin. He had to know why he was still sleeping on the couch and why he had been so distant lately. It couldn't be just the tattoo anymore. Now, it just felt the high time and he had to be ready to confort Merlin.

"Arthur? You want cake and tea?" Merlin yelled from downstairs and Arthur's resolution shattered from cheer unexpectedness. "Sure!" he yelled and got up. What else he could do? And there was indeed cake. A chocolate one and it was good. Gwaine sure could bake. Arthur wondered what he could actually do himself. Was there anything he could make? From the scratch? Nothing really came to his mind. He didn't say much during the tea. Merlin and Hunith were mainly talking about Gwaine, but somehow the tone was off and Arthur felt he shouldn't interfere.

The moment he could, Arthur went to their bed and sat on the edge. He didn't see any point in standing, he tried to save his energy when he could. Merlin mercifully closed their door behind him and Arthur had found his resolution again. He would talk with Merlin tonight. He would get to the bottom of this and he would tell about the groups he was in too. Maybe Merlin wanted to check out some of his favourites. He hoped that would be the way it would go.

"Come here..." he said because Merlin wasn't moving. Arthur was scared. Merlin looked at him and there was a weird look in his eyes. It lasted only a second before Merlin moved but Arthur realised he looked tired. Beyond tired, more tired than Arthur felt. It shook Arthur. How had he missed that? And what was it he had missed exactly? He didn't remember Merlin looking this bad since…

"Sit down." he said all else forgotten but worry. He wanted to hug Merlin, he wanted to tuck him in and take care of him, spoil him. Merlin looked at him again the same look in his eyes and started to slowly sit down on the floor. Arthur had meant next to him and he didn't understand, but it felt somehow wrong. Really wrong. The way Merlin was still facing him…

Arthur took a hold of Merlin's shoulders and spun him around in panic like speed. It could have been forceful, but Merlin just kind of turned around with no effort and landed on his butt. His back was straight and rigid and Arthur's hands were already on his shoulders so with no idea of what he was doing, he started to knead Merlin's shoulders with his thumbs in slow movement.

It was like magic. It seemed like whatever structure had kept Merlin upright gave and Merlin slumped, his back relaxing. His shoulders were hard as a rock and Arthur had trouble telling which was muscle and which was bone. He had never massaged anyone before but he did his best.

"So how was your day?" He asked because he had to say something and suddenly the words 'I need to talk with you about something.' Felt like the hardest combination of words there was. And none of the things he had wanted to talk about felt as urgent anymore. He felt upset. Had Merlin just really done what he thought he had? Had Arthur ever done anything that would have given Merlin a reason to think Arthur would ask that? And in this manner?

"This feels good." Merlin mumbled and leaned a bit towards Arthur. He was now fully relaxed and Arthur felt something in him too relax fully for a first time in what felt like forever. "Sorry… I just don't know from where to start. It has been a long day." Merlin continued after a pause and Arthur heard his own tiredness mirrored in Merlin's tone. It was alright. He felt heat radiate from Merlin, he was that close, partly in between Arthur's legs and it was good, right there all was good. "Me too, it's- let's talk tomorrow." He said and Merlin nodded limbly. It was good like this. Just one thing…

"Will you sleep in bed tonight?" he asked and feared the answer, but Merlin nodded and Arthur let out a breath he had been holding. He wasn't sure how to convey how happy he was, how important it was to him. "So the tattoo is now healed?" He felt like kicking himself. Merlin nodded again. Arthur had a chance to try again. "Can I see it?" He was an utter moron, wasn't he? Merlin's back tensed again. "I didn't mean to-" he panicked but he was cut off by Merlin's "Sure."

Arthur stared as Merlin lifted his hands to take his shirt off. "You don't have to if you..." Arthur trailed off balancing in between not wanting Merlin to change his mind and not seeming as eager as he was. And where was his 'not asking Merlin to do anything he didn't do himself first'?!

The tattoo looked even better than Arthur remember. There was something mesmerizing in it and the way Merlin's skin and muscle underneath it moved under the tattoo… Merlin's skin was warm and soft as Arthur trailed the edge of one of the spirals with his thumb. He couldn't feel any difference in between inked skin and normal skin. The scar was still showing a bit in the centre, but somehow it didn't matter to Arthur anymore. It was perfect, Merlin was perfect.

"How does it look?" Merlin asked and Arthur's first thought was that it was a pity Merlin couldn't see it himself. And then he realised he was in fact groping Merlin's shoulder blade without asking. He pulled his hand off. "It- it looks great. It looks…" 'sexy, tempting, perfect, like a victory, important, precious, just like you…' "cool. It looks cool." He guessed it was supposed to sum it all.

Merlin glanced at him and like he hadn't been sure if Arthur was serious or not, he waited a little and then smiled. "Thanks. It means a lot to me, that you think so." Arthur felt his heart swell. "I do! It just looks great on you and I don't even think it needs any colour, it's also cool it's celtic. I wish you could show it more…" he rambled because he was so excited and Merlin turned his head to look at him and he smiled. Tired, but he still smiled at Arthur and Arthur had to smile back.

"I'll take a shower, I smell like Gwaine." Merlin then said and got up. "Ok…" Arthur didn't know what to reply but Merlin's way of saying Gwaine's name was funny. Arthur half waited Merlin to exasperate a little, but he didn't. He just stood up with an easy movement. His pants were hanging low, the edge of his underwear just showing and he stretched his neck while taking the few steps. Arthur stared. Merlin stopped his hand already on the handle and he seemed to think of something. "Do you need a shower?" He finally asked and Arthur remembered just in time to turn his eyes up before Merlin turned his head. "No. I'm fine." he hadn't done anything worth shower after his last one. Merlin seemed to hesitate for a moment before he nodded. Only after the water had started to run Arthur started to think that maybe, just maybe Merlin had asked if he wanted to join him.

Arthur let himself fall backwards. He stared at the ceiling and let it sink. He regretted deeply if he had let an opportunity like that to slip through his fingers and to think of the chance of being in shower with Merlin… maybe washing his back, seeing soapy water run from his shoulders to the tattoo and down… The thought made him shiver. His member was swelling in an awkward position but he didn't bother to adjust himself. He let himself think of Merlin showering a bit more, listening the water run, but then he had to admit he had had too much emotional stuff for the day, the week, the month… and he couldn't, he just couldn't guess, or in worst case scenario, guess wrong if Merlin had wanted to be followed to the shower. He would have no way of asking, no way to be sure and even if he got as far as the showers, he wouldn't have known what and how he was supposed to be. So it was better this way. It was better this way...

Arthur took a deep breath and rose up. The water wasn't running anymore so he didn't have much time to change for night wear. He pondered a while of putting a shirt or not, but he decided not shirt. He hadn't slept in shirt in a while after all. He also took Merlin's pyjama, he noticed Merlin hadn't taken it with him.

The water was running again. Was Merlin washing his hair? He could picture it. The water running down on the sides of Merlin's face and his hair dripping wet… Merlin's hair had grown longish. Arthur hadn't said anything because he was afraid Merlin would cut it. He liked it. He liked how it had gotten wavier and it had that unruly look and there was more to ruffle and run his fingers in. It suited Merlin.

It was so unfair. How Merlin could look so good without even trying. Arthur used at least five times in exercising compared to Merlin and at least twice the time for grooming (if one counted Merlin's long showers as 'grooming') and he did buy clothes. Merlin didn't if it wasn't a must. He showered and threw the most unfitting combination of colours on his back and looked amazing. Arthur wished he could show Merlin off. To everybody. He wished so much he could be open. Of who he was, of who he was in love with. To whom he belonged. Because he was proud. If anything in his life, he was proud of Merlin.

He wanted, yearned to do the same things his mates did with their girlfriends in public. He wanted to make it known Merlin was taken and he too. He wanted to show how loving Merlin had made him who he was. And he had gotten new ideological fuel from his online communities. He had gotten reassurance how this wasn't something he should have to hide. Someone had even pointed out how as someone popular (he had told vaguely how he was in a sports team and he guessed his avatar had given him out) he could influence and help those who struggled with their identity possibly afraid and alone with their feelings and sexuality. And he had thought about it. For few days he had seriously thought about it and toyed with ideas and ways of coming out to his teammates. Until he had gone back to his senses.

Even if he didn't tell about his relationship with Merlin or even that he was dating, there was still a huge risk of outing Merlin with him. He had been stupid enough to invite people to their room and giving that much information, it wouldn't be hard to count one plus one and then the nature of their relationship would be all over the school in hours. He couldn't do that to Merlin. Not even to know where he really stood and what his friend thought or if they would even be his friends after knowing. And there were games coming and he couldn't risk the team spirit. And if he was truthful to himself, Arthur was terrified. Even if he liked to pretend he was worried of how the comments would affect Merlin, Arthur knew he wouldn't be able to take it himself. Hate talk had been directed straight at him only once. And not even really at him, but the one he had been talking with.

He had been talking with someone comment by comment about roles in bed. The person he had been talking with had been really helpful, thorough but still very mannerly and above all clean. He hadn't used crude words or asked Arthur anything he didn't need to know. He was just answering and Arthur had asked questions after questions. He had been so invested that he had forgotten how everyone else on the site would see it too. And then someone, obviously a troll, had butted in stating how it was sick and 'fucked up' how some pervert could encourage disturbed kids (who Arthur obviously was) to want it 'up their ass'. Arthur had logged off and he hadn't used the site since. He hated to think how he would react someone saying it to his face.

When Merlin peeked from the bathroom, Arthur was already handing the purple pyjama towards the door. He kept his eyes about two meters from the door. Few minutes later he heard Merlin brushing his teeth. That, yes. Arthur had to do that, so he dragged himself up. He had skipped few of those but tonight Merlin was sleeping next to him. He couldn't have stale breath.

He opened the door and Merlin was next to the sink, brushing his teeth and still shirtless. Arthur blushed and muttered something about being sorry but not being able to muster enough will power to turn his gaze. "It's alright… I thought I'd sleep like this." Merlin said and spit to the sink. Arthur stared. And then he told himself not to stare so he looked about anything else but Merlin. It felt silly. He tried to concentrate on brushing his teeth. One teeth at the time.

"You sure take care of your dental hygiene..." Merlin commented and it was good to see Merlin look at him sarcastically even if he still looked too tired to Arthur's tastes. "I prefer not to have any need for a drill inside my head." What was he talking about? "Sure… I'll go ahead." And Merlin was gone. Arthur kept brushing just for not losing face. He kept fearing Merlin would take the couch after all.

But Merlin had tucked himself in the bed and he still had no shirt on. It felt weird to circle the bed while Merlin's eyes followed him, but lying down next to that gorgeous human being that was his boyfriend was like breathing after diving deep. He pulled his blanket up to his waist and then Merlin leaned in to kiss him. Arthur felt a greater force than himself pulling him as he leaned in.

It was sweet, it was tender and it made Arthur's world turn. Arthur felt Merlin's lips and he tasted toothpaste. He smelled Merlin's skin and felt his breath. He couldn't control himself, he leaned into the kiss and deepened it. It felt it had been forever. It was sweet and fulfilling. Arthur found his hand from Merlin's hair caressing, trailing the line from Merlin's base of skull to his ear. And Merlin was there. He didn't pull back, he didn't feel tense.

It took all effort Arthur could muster to calm down and tune it down to finally ending the kiss and resting just his forehead to Merlin's, stroking his hair, burying his fingers in the dampt locks. He loved, he loved so much and Merlin just closed his eyes and slept. Right there, forehead still resting against Arthur's, his blanket only up to his ribs, his hand on Arthur's chest.

Arthur edged his arm under Merlin's pillow as gently as he could and let himself enjoy the sight. He had clearly over reacted. Merlin had been healing. Arthur remembered the sight of needle piercing skin over and over again and he felt stupid for not getting the time it would need to heal properly. And today… he didn't know what had made Merlin so tired, but he had probably been tired yesterday too and his blanket and pillow had been on the couch, so he had gone there. Arthur knew he would have himself. Arthur had just gotten worked up for nothing just before too. Merlin had sat on the floor. Big deal, they usually sat on the floor anyway and maybe he had just wanted to lean on Arthur. It was good the massaging had worked. He should try that more often. He should try to understand Merlin better. He would just have to try harder.

But he would let himself trust it a little bit. That he and Merlin would be fine. And the next morning, he wouldn't wake up alone and everything would be fine.

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A/N Happy Valentine's Day!

This chapter is still unbetaed for the most part, so sorry for all the errors and huge thank you for MalteseFalconM for the work you have already done, let's continue when we can! And a huge thank you for AngelDove1 for reading parts of this story and for giving suggestions for the panic attack scene!

And you who have reviewed... you are the best! I have missed you so much and I hope to hear your opinions again! I read the whole story and I remembered just in how many places I bettered my writing and plot line because of your amazing comments.

mersan123 True, stepping back and forward is his way of searching his footing again, so even if it's sad at times, it just might be necessary. I hope you enjoyed this new chapter!

thejammysod I read your review and I had to think it fitted perfectly to this chapter too :D Now Merlin is just getting even worse... and Arthur too! I hope you are still around to read this new chapter!

yukino76 Thank you :)

Greedy Reader You...TOO! Ah, messing with emotions... the whole purpose why I'm writing this ;) I corrected the mistakes you pointed out to me, thank you for that :)

Guest Hey! I must have met you/ And this is crazy/ I liked your review (a lot)/ So review (again) maybe?

Shelbypolars Thank you so much! It's so nice to read such positive feedback :)

AngelDove1 If we are appoogicing, then Sorry it took me ages to upload this one...Tattoos are an interesting subject. I myself wouldn't want one either, just not my style and I'm not a fan of needles either... But to cover something like a scar made by a predator... absolutely! Arthur and Merlin should both talk more. But neither have not talked with anyone a lot during their adolescent years and Arthur nearly never. How do you just suddenly start doing that? Even if you know it was right way to go in theory. Arthur especially feels he has to be perfect before he can have a 'permission' to show weakness. The coach hopefully showed some depth in this chapter... please tell me what you thought!