Chapter 5 : The After Effects—A Flashback
I spend my days locked in a haze, tryna' forget you babe, I fall back down,
I gotta stay high all my life to forget I'm missing you.
Staying in my play pretend, where the fun, ain't got no end.
Can't go home alone again, Need someone to numb the pain (Tove lo, Stay high)
Tokyo National University, Three Years Ago.
POV- MISAKI AYUZAWA
I wiped the sweat off my forehead as I exhaled one last breath, standing in front of the mahogany double doors. I was late for a lecture (I still don't remember how I managed to get unfashionably late, this isn't me at all). I opened the door and slipped inside as discreetly as I could, but I still managed to get a few eyes on me, not that I cared or anything. The professor didn't glance in my way, and simply continued to say what he had been saying until I interrupted. I managed to find a vacant seat by the window in the last and I headed there. I placed my notebooks and other belongings on the table and stared blankly at the presentation slides being displayed on the white board.
After twenty minutes of struggling to find my focus, I gave up. I could easily cover up whatever the hell that was being taught later at night after my two part time jobs (I had volunteered to work in a law firm part time during the evening, to learn a thing or two. I joined another part time job at a restaurant, since it keeps me refreshed and helps me keep my mind off certain things. I didn't have to do it for money, unlike my previous job in Maid Latte, since I was going to college on a full scholarship and my family was well off after my father, Sakuya, returned back to us. They have shifted to Hokkaido and I am more than happy for them. At least they found their happiness, but I cannot say the same for me).
Don't get me wrong, I muse to myself, I am not sad. Depressed. Lonely. Broken. Miserable. Angry. Hurt. No, I am not. I am just…empty. It's like there's nothing left for me to ponder about. My days are monotonous which consist of waking up, attending lectures, going to my part time firm, then to the restaurant, coming back to my dorm and studying. That's all, nothing interesting. I just have to keep myself busy, is a mantra I keep repeating to myself. It is my self-rule, if I'll be busy enough, I won't have enough time to be distracted by thoughts. Unwelcome thoughts. I snort at myself, I'm neither a poet, nor philosophic. I'm just a regular girl, attending law and management in Tokyo U.
The rattle of leaves snap me out of my reverie and I fear that I've been caught by the professor. I sigh in relief as I look out of the window at my left, this isn't high school. Nobody cares if you're paying attention anymore. I look out of the window, I can see nearby tree branches swinging along with the wind. The view reminds me of the student council room of my high school, I used to spend a lot of time there. I smile at the fond memories, as I tear my gaze away, and stare at the board. Another rattle alerts me, my heart thumps in my ribcage and I bite my lip, unshed tears taunting me as I look at the window again, stupidly daydreaming—hoping to see a tall man with blond hair and forest green eyes, standing out of the window, appraising me with a charming smile that always made me weak in the knees.
Enough, you stupid, stupid girl, I chide my immature, innocent self as I stand up, almost too immediately, from my seat. I had totally forgotten where I was, I am greeted with hundreds of eyes, looking at me skeptically. I look down, almost in shame.
"Miss Ayuzawa, is something the matter?" The old aged professor looks at me, he knows I'm a good student, so his gaze is that of a worried person. I shook my head as I grab my belongings, "I'm sorry, I don't feel well. E-Excuse me" I blurt as I get out of that dammed—stuffy—room.
I ran out of the building as fast as my feet could carry me. I am greeted by the sky in the form of rain, I look up and stare at the sky, a few drops of rain drop on my face and I blink as I feel the cold water drops on my face. A smile comes on my face as a few hot tears of mine mix with the raindrops and roll down my neck and disappear.
Another painfully empty day passes and I'm relived from my shift at the law firm. I was able to concentrate on the work given to me—which was basically proofreading some letters, fetching coffee, making Xerox copies of documents, and re-reading some documents. I rub my eyes—sore from reading, and grab my bag. I step out of the building and start walking in the footpath. The rain has stopped and the weather is pleasant, I'm glad. As glad as I could be.
I walk inside the restaurant and the bell attached to the door clinks merrily. Ryan waves at me as soon as I enter- I managed to be friendly with a few people in Tokyo and Ryan happens to be one of them. I manage a smile and head to the main counter, punch my entry at the biometric screen, and start my shift. Ryan walks towards me carrying an order of burgers and smiles, "Hey" I say.
"You're early" He says as he hands me the tray, "Table number 5" He says and I turn, "Yeah, I am"
Here's the thing, time moves awfully slow for me. I don't know why, but sometimes it feels like a drag to go through the day. I find myself waiting for the day to end. I am restless, but everything is moving too slow for my taste. Hell, I don't know if something is wrong with me or with the world. I just wish things were same as high school for me. I was never free. I never had time. And I always complained about it. It seems like god has granted my wish. Everything is slow, steady, and calm. My world is fine—my family is happy and healthy, I have a promising future ahead of me, my grades are good, I earn enough to support myself and save money, but still…something doesn't feel right. How can my life be so fulfilled yet so, so empty?
I inwardly laugh and walk towards the table, I smile, and say "Enjoy your meal" I say with a practiced smile and walk away. I look around and see so many people, happy, smiling, enjoying their time. I smile more, and I thrive on their happiness, for the sake of my own. I'm glad that I work here part time, this place isn't as merry as Maid Latte, it's more practical and according to the fast city life, but still, it refreshes me.
I work my shift with a better state of mind as the evening passes by. Ryan walks by me with the last order and his shift is over too. He comes back and looks at me, "Is your shift over too?"
"I guess" I mumble as I sign out.
"You hungry?" He asks as normally as possible.
"Sure, I don't feel like going to the mess" I confess, I don't want to go to the mess and sit alone in a crowd full of known, yet unknown people. He gives me a boyish smile as he runs a hand through his hair, I look away as I try to remain impassive. He nods and we walk out of the restaurant, "I don't feel like going to the mess either" He's in the same program as me, law and management. I remain silent as we walk outside, I look up at the sky, which is empty, just like me. There are no stars twinkling, the only illumination we have is that of the street lights. Tokyo is alive the entire night, unlike my hometown where the town closed by midnight.
"So, where do you wanna eat?" He asks, "Anywhere I fine, you have some place in mind?" I ask nonchalantly.
"I know a great Chinese place down the road" He says as he walks with his hands in his pants, "Okay, let's go there" I say. We walk down the road silently, Ryan doesn't force me into conversations, and I like that about him. He's a great friend, I think, as I look up at him. He's looking in front. I look away as my heart throbs painfully, and the realization dawns upon me. He's not him. He doesn't have soft messy blond hair, he doesn't have sparkling forest green eyes. He's not Takumi. I stop dead in my tracks, what the fuck am I even thinking? I feel angry at myself as I foolishly allowed myself to indulge in his thoughts. Why is it so hard for me to not think about him? Why can't I go one day without thinking about him? Perhaps this walk in the night with a friend reminded me of how Takumi used to walk me home every night after my shift from work. Great, now I'm reminiscing.
"Earth to Misaki? Hello?" I look up, Ryan is staring skeptically at me. He waves his hand in front of me a few times. I stutter, "Huh? Sorry I—I" I am at a loss of words, what am I supposed to say?
"Are you okay? You're more aloof than you usually are" He said as his lips curl up into a smile. His raven hair shine under the street light. I laugh, "Sorry" I make a comic face and we resume walking. I sigh, I'm getting better at faking my own emotions.
"Are you sure though?" He looks at me, worriedly now.
I stick my tongue out, huh? Is this actually me? "Hurry up or I'll leave you behind" I say as I start running.
Ryan jogs behind me "Are we really doing this?" he's chuckling.
"Why not? Did I scare you?" I tease more as I speed up.
"You're so on, loser treats the winner" He said as he speeds up.
"Prepare to lose" I said with a spark of challenge. I run fast and leave my gloomy thoughts behind. I feel the cool breeze on my face as we run downtown towards the Chinese restaurant.
I feel much more cheered up when we reach, sadly, we reached together, so it was a tie. We decide to split up the bill as we sit down, trying to catch my breath. I'm flustered from the lack of oxygen, I look up at Ryan, who is in the same condition as me. We broke into laughter.
"I think that you purposely slowed down" I accuse him as I eat my dumpling.
Ryan places the chopstick down and eyes me "Why would you say that?"
"Because it's impossible to reach at the same time!" I argue.
"I believe nothing is impossible, I think it's possible for the race to be a tie in the same way I believe that it's not impossible to put a real smile on your face" he says in a serious tone and looks at me with a smile.
"Why are you even talking about" I mutter as I eat another dumpling.
"I'm talking about your fake smiles and laughs that you fool the world with" He said as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, I freeze in my spot.
"You're mistaken, Ryan" I say in a serious tone. I don't want to lead him on and disappoint him later.
"I will wait, Misaki, for you and your real smile" He spoke as he started eating again. I look away, my appetite has vanished. I don't want him to expect something from me which I'm not capable of. And for sure do I know that I'm not capable of this.
"Waiting for me will lead you to nothing but disappointment" I blurt out when we walk out towards the hostels. Ryan looks at me with a raised eyebrow, "Why?"
"Because" I pause, trying to find the right words, "Because I'm not capable of this, Ryan. I…I can't" I fail to explain myself, the words are stuck in my throat. The realizations dawned upon me too late, we have been friends for the last two years, but I never entertained the possibility of him having feelings for me, but now that they're clear, I don't want him to expect anything from me. I don't want to break any hearts, I don't want to be involved in anything that involves feelings, because I know what it feels like. I can't put anyone through what I'm (still) going through.
"Why not? Misaki, you know that I have feelings for you. Why are you refusing to accept that? I don't even want to hear your reply, I just want you to know how I feel." He says and my eyes widen. No, no, no! I didn't expect this, I can't let this happen.
"NO! Ryan!" I yell, my eyes are burning from unshed tears again, what have I done?
"Why, Misaki?" He inquires as he stops walking altogether.
"You don't even know me" I plead, please get away from me. Please. Please.
"I know you enough" He retorts.
"You don't" I look down. How do I explain this?
"Even I don't know myself anymore" I confess again, he looks at me.
"I've noticed enough to know that you're going through something. I've waited for you to speak up and share. I've waited, and I'm willing to wait. I just want to help you through whatever you're going. I just want to see you be happy" He says as he holds my shoulders, I'm forced to look up into his eyes.
"It's not that simple. I can't explain, I can't tell because there's nothing to tell! There's nothing left…" I mumble, a laughter escapes me. Ryan looks at me probably because of the tears flowing out of my eyes before I can stop them.
"There's nothing left in me. I have nothing left to offer you. I'm empty, fucking empty. I'm damaged! Too damaged!" I push him off me as sadness overcomes me. I turn away and wipe my tears, "I'm sorry, Ryan. I'm sorry" I allow myself to cry freely, after five months.
"You'll always have a friend in me, Misaki" He urges, I look back at him.
"I wasn't always like this. I never even cried." I confess with a laugh, I don't even know why I am telling him this, "I'm not the girl for you, Ryan" I speak one last time as my emotions fade away from my face, my eyes are burning red and my façade is back. My walls are up high, and this time, they won't go down for some guy. Because they all leave. They all fucking leave in the end. I've witnessed that, and I've gone through that too. I turn on my heel, "I'm sorry for wasting your time. Good night" I say and walk away.
I slam the door to my room shut as I come inside, I don't even bother to turn the lights on. I'm glad I don't have any roommates. I like being alone, away from any human company. I sit down on my bed, anger bubbling through me. Ryan may be a nice guy, but I don't feel so sorry about steering him away from me. It's for the best anyway. For his own and mine as well. I don't want to be associated with any man. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to be broken again. I can't manage to fuck myself up more than I already am. I just can't.
I pick up a thick book from my study table and bury myself in it. This time, I will build stronger walls around myself, so that nobody can penetrate through. I don't need anyone to comfort me, relieve me, help me. I'm not a fucking child. I'm a grown up. I can manage on my own. I don't need anyone's help. I've been fucking stupid before, I won't be now.
Yes I was stupid, stupid to let him in. Stupid to allow him to break down my walls I had so carefully built as a child. Takumi Usui came into my life and robbed me of my heart and soul. I won't let anyone else take anything that has been left. I'm damaged enough already. I don't need more to add on to it. I have nothing left in me. Men have always taken things from me. First it was my father—who left us in debt and left without a care in the world. Then it was him.
I threw the book away in frustration, which was now wet because of angry hot tears that had dropped on the pages of the book. I wash my face with ice cold water, in hopes of feeling better. I feel so angry at myself. I wish I hadn't been so stupid and blindly trusting, at least I would have saved myself from the pain that I go through now, every day. This feeling of emptiness, pain, longing, yet the urge to stay alone, is something I have never experienced before. When my father had left, I hadn't felt this bad. I thought that was the worst thing that happened to me, and that nothing could scar me more than that. Oh how wrong was I.
With a sleeping pill in my hand and a glass of water in another, I vow never to let my walls down for any man ever again as I drink the water and down the pill. I will never ever let anyone in. I will never indulge in love. I will never anyone know of my damaged self. I cannot afford to get hurt again, because I don't even know if I will survive this.
I close my eyes and wait for this self-forced sleep to drown me in, it's amusing how my one shot of peace is a pill away nowadays.
A.N: Let me know how this came out.
Next Time: I will answer questions regarding the relationship between Tora & Misaki, so drop them as reviews.