Why hello there everyone! I'm finally back, for those who waited—I'm deeply sorry, but worry not~ the wait is finally over (: Special thanks to everyone who supported me. You guys are the reason why I'm here. I have uploaded the prologue of the gift fic I had promised, titled "My Fucked Up Heart"…It is dedicated to each and every one of you.

I love the positive response I got for the previous chapter. I hope you guys like this update. I will be waiting for your response, Guys.

Warning: The beginning of this chapter can be considered as mature content with dark themes and mentions of suicide, cutting, and depression. Please skip it if you're not old enough. Readers' discretion strongly advised.

#Spoiler_Corner: "So tell me, how long has it been since you've craved for his presence? To bask in the ambiance of his beautiful existence? Lusted for his elegance and grace? How long have you waited for a glimpse, a sneak peak of his enigmatic self? He is the epitome of lust and love combined together, emerald eyes that make your knees weak. And he is right here (: The wait is over. Brace yourselves…for, he is not far away."

Sometimes, all you have to do is to let yourself drown in loneliness, to let everything go and surrender to grief, And let it work its way through your soul. To let it shatter every cell, every fiber of your being. Only to rebuild it—stronger than before and that, My friend, is how you shall truly heal (MissKirei)

Tokyo National University, Three Years Ago.

POV- MISAKI AYUZAWA

"Have you heard? A girl in first year tried to suicide!"

"What are you saying?"

"shhh! Talk slowly! I don't know much about it, but rumors said she did—in her hostel room! But her roommate saw and told the authorities! It was so freaky, all of us got searched after that incident."

I looked up at a bunch of girls standing in a small circle a few feet away from my seat. The task that previously occupied me, was long forgotten as I listened to the gossip. I turned my notebook over and closed it by placing my wrists over them.

"Yeah. I don't understand, why would someone do that?"

"I heard she cut her wrists, the marks are still there!"

I looked at my own wrists as the talk commenced. Cut her wrists? I scoff, cutting your wrists is just a shabby display of weakness. If she really wanted to die, a small cut just above the nerve would suffice, a foot long cut on the skin is useless.

"But why would she do that?" I looked back in the direction of the bunch of girls as they chatted obliviously. Shouldn't they keep their voice down?

"Maybe all the strings inside her broke" These words made me freeze in my spot.

Maybe the strings inside her broke…

So she tried to cut the ones that bound her to the world…

I mentally laugh, at least its something I'm familiar with. I think as I look at my hands again, maybe that girl isn't weak at all… Maybe she's just sick and tired of the pain, and the misery. Maybe she's sick of the agony. Maybe I can understand what she's going through. Maybe the strings inside her broke, maybe the strings were what all that mattered to her.

Yes of course, I do understand what she's going through. Sometimes, the pain becomes too unbearable, even for me. Sometimes it's hard to breathe. Sometimes it's hard to survive. Sometimes breathing feels like too much of an errand. Sometimes…letting go and drowning…is just the answer.

I don't know about the answer. It's something I'm searching for myself too… it's something that's not easy to find. And for me, it's something which is unattainable.

After three years, I've come to understand that there's no use denying the pain…you can only embrace it. The more I've tried to escape this strange numb feeling. The more it hurts. Why can't this torture be over? Why am I not capable of pretending nothing is wrong and going along with my life? Why can't I?

I take out a small folded piece of paper from my jeans' pocket. Its something I always keep with myself. The edges are torn, and my writing has blurred, but these words somehow make me feel relieved. I open the note and begin to read it like I always do. Because they rebuild my hope...

Sometimes, all you have to do is to let yourself drown in loneliness,

To let everything go and surrender to grief,

And let it work its way through your soul.

To let it shatter every cell, every fiber of your being.

Only to rebuild it—stronger than before

And that, my friend, is how you shall truly heal.

I close my eyes and put my head down. I cover my face from this world and shut myself. Yes, sometimes, the pain becomes too unbearable, even for me. Sometimes it's hard to breathe. Sometimes it's hard to survive. Sometimes breathing feels like too much of an errand. But then, I can't just give up on myself. I can't just end my life and get it over with. I can't just give in.

I can't just cut that one nerve that'll shut me out.

I can't just cut these strings…even if they strangle me.

Present Day,

The door of the car opened to reveal a young man step out, his blond hair were pushed back—his lips set into a thin line. He unbuttoned his grey jacket revealing his crisp matching shirt as he walked towards the main doors of Igarashi Corporation. A uniform clad male opened the transparent thick glass doors and bowed. Bodyguards trailed behind as the main proceeded to walk inside the huge building, ignoring every greeting he got.

The receptionists stood up in respect as the said main entered the building. They all bowed and wished him a good day in unison, but it was all ignored. Good day be damned. He went straight to the private elevators to get to the CEO's office and pressed the top buttons. The rest journey was similar, he walked straight into the office ignoring everything.

Tora Igarashi was furious.

"Sir" his bodyguard spoke timidly, looking at his boss' angry demeanor.

"Get lost" he snarled. The people around him bowed and got out of his office silently.

Tora paced the office floor like a madman with his hands in his hair. He was so close to fucking losing his mind. He was not going to sit back and watch the girl he loved die like that! In a fit of rage his hands went straight to his desk as he swiped everything off the surface. The sound of everything falling down on the floor including a laptop alerted Tora's secretary, who came rushing in with a freaked out look on her face.

"Um, Sir?"

She approached him cautiously. Tora Igarashi never lost his cool, he made people lose their minds. She looked at him worriedly, who was glaring at the transparent windows that showed the outside view of Tokyo.

"I want everything you can dig on Takumi Walker by noon in my office" he spoke in a low threatening tone that made the hair on her hands stand up.

"Of c-course!" she stuttered and looked at him with her hands at her back.

"Now get out"

Tora looked at the phone in his hands. There was a text message from Misaki. As soon as her contact image came flashing on to the screen, he stared at it blankly. But this did little to calm him, because when the image of Ayuzawa Misaki in his mind was replaced by a broken girl lying in a hospital covered in IVs, he lost it. The phone was thrown on the glass window in another fit of rage.

"I'm going to destroy you Takumi Walker!" he snarled as the phone fell down on the floor and the bulletproof glass window sported a new formed crack in the center.

Tora wasn't going to rest until he found him. He was going to find him, and make him pay.

Where the fuck are you hiding, bastard?

Later that day,

Misaki was discharged somewhere around evening. Tora, as expected, was already in the Doctor's office before she had even started to get ready. Misaki signed the discharge papers and did the payments using her credit card. Tora drove Misaki home. There was silence.

Misaki noted that Tora was acting really strange. Apart from the silence, he would occasionally keep asking her if she was feeling any pain. He had practically pushed the front seat backwards so that she could lie down. Misaki complained that she was tired of lying down already, so he allowed her to sit. Tora briefed her about his talk with the Doctor yesterday and Misaki kept silent, not knowing what to say.

Their short journey to Misaki's apartment was soundless. Misaki looked out of the window and Tora kept glancing at her again and again. He frowned, she had slimmed down. If this continued, she was going to become invisible!

When they reached, Tora quickly got out first and opened the door for her. Misaki rolled her eyes. She had hands, damn it! She was tired of being taken care of!

"Want me to carry you?" Tora grinned, making an attempt of warming up the environment for her.

Misaki rolled her eyes again, "No thanks. I have legs and I like using them"

"You just missed a golden chance of being carried by Igarashi Tora, Not many people are that lucky" Tora boasted, again, in hopes of getting a smile back in return.

To this, Misaki replied by smacking his head playfully. Both were back to their usual bickering. The atmosphere lightened up and both of them knew they were thankful.

"Tora" Misaki said with a stern tone, Tora was in the kitchen, pouring her a glass of juice.

"I am fiinnee" She emphasized her words and rubbed her temples "See? I'm alive. Stop fussing" She reprimanded him. Tora walked inside the living room and placed the glass of juice on the table angrily. Thankfully, the table didn't crack. He walked towards her and held both of her shoulders and glared at her.

"What are you doing, Tora?" Misaki asked, not feeling energized enough to hit him.

"You are not fine, Misaki" He glared at her "And you will rest."

"But I'm okay. That's why the doctor discharged me!" she argued.

"YOU AREN'T FINE, MISAKI!" Tora yelled, and it stunned Misaki. "For all we know, you might be dying the next second!" She looked at him speechlessly with wide eyes. He pushed her back, making her lie down on the couch, she landed with a loud thud. Her eyes were wide now, and a part of her was scared. Scared that he'll do what he couldn't do back in high school.

"Please" he said in a broken voice as he kneeled down to her level, and cupped her cheek "Please, rest" this alarmed her even more, she didn't know this new concerned Tora Igarashi that well. Misaki placed her palm on top of his palm where it touched her cheek. She was so freaked out when she heard the word "Please" coming out of the most arrogant bastard she has ever known.

"How unlike you, Tora" she said in a soft voice.

"Well, what can I say?" He said with a small smile playing on his lips, he grabbed his tie and loosened it "I'm really worried" he confessed.

"Don't be" was all Misaki could say, in her weakened state.

"Then rest, and recover" he said with a smile as he gave her the glass of juice and her medicines.

"I will" She nodded and sat up as she promised him.

"I hope so"

They had a simple dinner. Misaki came home to a filled fridge with healthy choice meals, and she knew it had something to do with Tora and his paranoia. They ate in silence and exchanged small smiles. With a kiss on the cheek, Tora left leaving a stunned Misaki to her own devices.

After dinner and medicines, she felt stable. She looked around, her apartment looked like a mess to her since she didn't get much time to clean. On top of that, her family was visiting soon. She remembered trying to pacify her mother, telling her that she was fine and they were worrying for nothing. Regardless, the Ayuzawas were paying her a visit and she was more than happy. She decided to give her house a quick cleaning session and hide away anything that would make her appear as not normal, since she didn't want them to worry.

Misaki tucked away her medicines and prescriptions somewhere inside her closet. They were scattered all around the house and she couldn't just leave them for her parents to see. With a sigh, she picked up a pile of unwashed clothes and put them in the washing machine. She had cleaned the kitchen, bathroom, the guest room and her own bedroom. Now all she had to do was bathe and rest.

And then find something to distract herself from the fact that her health was exponentially going down.

Yeah, she had fun.

On Tuesday

"So what's up lately?" Misaki's voice came through the phone and Tora smiled. He didn't have to worry about her as long as he knew she was home, resting.

"The usual" he said as he kept the documents in his hand down and laid down on the recliner. He sighed looking out of the windows. It was a beautiful day.

"What does usual include? I'm bored Tora!" she complained and grumbled, Tora chuckled "I'm glad"

"You're glad that I'm bored?!"

"I'm glad you're resting and hopefully recovering"

"It's not like I'm dying or something" She sighed again, Tora's smile vanished for a moment there, he went silent.

"Tora?"

"Igarashi, what's wrong? Hello? Can you hear me? Maybe I'm getting bad reception…"

"We can't say for sure until next week" he said as he got up from his chair and went towards the balcony.

"And you just had to remind me that I have my tests next week. Thank you so much, Tora" Misaki grumbled sarcastically. Tora chuckled bitterly, pulling out a lighter and a cigarette. He lighted it up, "You're always welcome, Misaki"

"I'm really nervous you know"

Misa's small voice made his heart constrict in his chest painfully. He exhaled the smoke he was holding, the nicotine worked its way through his body. It was something he'd been doing to de-stress lately. "You're going to be fine, Misa" he assured her, and reassured himself.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Looking at the clouds, I wish I was looking at you though" He confessed, a bit too calmly. His brain had a tongue of his own. He regretted saying that, though. He didn't want her to be uncomfortable just because he didn't have a hold on his own feelings.

After a moment of silence from her part, Misaki spoke, and he could sense the smile in her voice "Great, I'll order Chinese take-outs, Bring a movie"

Tora smiled, oh how hopelessly he was in love with her.

"Is horror genre good for you?"

"Well…y-yeah! I-It's not like I'd be scared or anything!"

He laughed and flicked the cigarette away, the cigarette landed on the floor, still burning.

"Sure thing."

Misaki woke up to the sound of her alarm. She had slept early after Tora left. She rubbed her eyes and opened the curtains. She was going to see her family after a long time. She smiled, her apartment was going to get crazy for a few days. At least it won't be quiet and lonesome.

Misaki got ready after breakfast. She wore a simple slim fit pair of jeans and a sweat shirt. She tied up her long black hair into a ponytail, she fixed her face to look better, she didn't want her parents to be worried after all… She wasn't telling anything to her parents for now, it may be a false alarm. She grabbed her car keys and headed out.

Misaki waited impatiently and waited for her parents in the airport terminal. Maybe she should have brought a sign or something. Too embarrassing, Misaki thought. She was grateful to Tora in so many ways. For the time her family was here, she could enjoy their presence and stop worrying about anything and everything. She was glad that she had mentally decided to not tell her parents anything about her medical condition. What was she supposed to tell them anyway? Hey mom, I might be dying?

Misaki was snapped out of her pessimism when a pair of arms swept her off her feet and swirled her around. Misaki was caught off guard and was going to punch the person who had the nerve of picking her up like a five year old, but she only laughed when she saw that it was her dad along with her mother and sister.

"Dad! It's embarrassing!" Misaki said in between giggles as her father didn't stop swinging her round and round.

"Hahah, you should have seen the look on your face, my princess" Sakuya Ayuzawa finally set his daughter down. Suzuna gave her sister a quick hug and Minako smiled.

"I missed you guys so much" Misaki breathed. She hadn't seen them for so long!

"Now, Now, Let's get going. We can rendezvous on the way" Suzuna said.

Misaki laughed and patted her head, "You're just too cute"

The Ayuzawa family reached Misaki's apartment somewhere around noon. Misaki opened the other two empty bedrooms for Suzuna and her parents. Suzuna soon disappeared into her designated room and her mom took the apron as soon as she got in. Misaki told her to rest and that they could go out for lunch later. Minako only replied that she knew how much real food Misaki ate, and was going to make sure she eats well till Minako was staying.

Misaki sat down next to her dad and they chatted about random things. The restaurant was really popular and they were recently promoted to four stars. Misaki congratulated her dad on "being awesome"

"It's strange, my father owns a famous star restaurant and I can't even boil an egg" Misaki pouted.

To this, her father replied after pulling her into an embrace, "I can always teach my princess. But, we'll have to get lots of fire extinguishers first"

"Too cheesy dad" Misaki replied and everyone laughed.

The silence and loneliness in the Ayuzawa apartment was soon replaced by bickering and laughter. Misaki had to take her medicines without being discovered. Regardless, Misaki was grateful to be eating her mom's cooked meals. And sometimes, her dad's too. He was too good for words!

One day, Sakuya was cooking inside the kitchen and Minako was out to shop for groceries, "You need more healthy choice meals Misa", she chided her.

Misaki sat down next to Suzuna who was currently looking at her diary. She was busy marking dates of various sales and discounts. Some things never change.

"So" Misaki said.

"Hai" Suzuna was still looking into her diary.

"How is Shintani-kun?" Misaki said as she bit back a giggle.

Suzuna stilled at the mention of his name. Suzuna and Shintani were going out for almost a year now. She had learnt about it from her mother one day. Suzuna was too sneaky and Shintani must have been too embarrassed to tell her.

"Um, You-kun is fine Nee-chan. By the way, I have a few discount coupons of some boutiques and parlors that have their main branch in Tokyo, you should use them when you need" Suzuna handed her a bunch of coupons and effectively changed the subject.

"Sure, thanks" Misaki put them in her drawer.

"Nee-Chan" Suzuna said.

"Hai?" Misaki looked at her.

"When are you going to get a boyfriend? I want a brother-in-law soon" Suzuna said with a plain face devoid of any emotion. The blush on her face almost vanished!

Misaki stuttered, she didn't know what to say. Boyfriend huh? Marriage? She hadn't even thought that far and with her medical health, she didn't know if she was ever going to live till the day she saw herself getting married.

She didn't even like anyone right now. The thought of Tora Igarashi crossed her mind. She may have a small crush on him but she didn't love him?! And she wasn't even sure if it was simple friendship or more I can't love him. Her thoughts were replaced by guilt. Was she leading him on? She didn't know. He was so good to her. He cared for her so much and all she did was lead him on. She didn't want to break his heart. She was gonna die on him anyway.

Misaki felt a pang of hurt in her chest. What was she supposed to do? She already sucked in the love department. Takumi left a huge hole in her heart which was never going to be filled. Misaki decided, she would try to move on. She knew she would never be able to love him like she loved Takumi, but trying wouldn't hurt, would it?

Suzuna looked at her sister who had gone from normal to red and from red to pale in a matter of seconds. She waved her hand in front of her face, "Oy! Nee-Chan? Are you even on this planet anymore?"

Misaki snapped out of it. "Sorry" She stuck her tongue out. She was spacing out so much lately!

Dinner was served and everyone ate peacefully except Misaki. She was calm and collected on the outside but inside her mind was a war. Feelings aren't for me, Misaki pouted while eating a dumpling.

"What's the matter, darling?" Minako looked at her daughter worriedly.

"Is the food not good?" It was her dad's turn to get melodramatic.

Before Misaki could reply, her iPhone buzzed. I got saved.

She looked at her phone, it was Tora. She had put on a photograph of Tora when she had made a ponytail out of his front hair. He looked hilarious.

"I've to get this" Misaki excused herself.

"Hey" Tora said.

"Hi" Misaki rubbed her hair unconsciously.

"You fine?" he said.

"Yup" She couldn't help but feel that everyone was being over-worrisome for her. She felt like screaming the words "I'm fine" on top of a mountain.

"Good"

"That's all you called me for?!" Misaki shrieked.

Tora laughed, "Calm your shit down, lady. I just missed your voice" He said cheekily.

Misaki was mortified. AWKWARD, her inner shrieked. "Stupid. Don't you have loads of work to do?"

"A little"

"Good. I'll be sure to dump loads of paperwork on your desk when I come back" Misaki grinned.

"And that's not happening for a very long. So I have many days to live my life to the fullest" Tora cut in.

"Days go by like the wind" Misaki said.

"Alright. Duty calls. Talk to you later."

"Night" Misaki cut the call and got back to the dining table.

"So who was it?" Suzuna snatched her phone and saw Tora's contact image.

"I think its Nee-Chan's boyfriend. They seem really close." All eyes were now on Misaki. Her father raised an eyebrow. "Don't get married without telling us! I want to walk my princess down the aisle on her special day" Her father said as he pouted. Her mom merely laughed.

Misaki snatched her phone and said, "Just a friend who happens to be my boss"

"But I don't find employees having such photographs of their Boss as their contact image" Suzuna smirked.

"Why you! I said he's a friend!" Misaki argued and everyone laughed.

"Hai-Hai" Minako and Suzuna sang and Sakuya looked away. He wasn't comfortable with his daughter being with men that weren't him! Misaki smiled awkwardly as she finished her soup.

Minako looked at Misaki from the corner of her sight. She knew that smile was fake. The past still affected her. She had seen how distant her daughter had become after her breakup. She didn't know the main reason behind the breakup, but she knew that Usui-kun wouldn't leave her without a reason. She sighed, when Usui-kun had come in her daughter's life, she became more girly and laughed more. She began trusting men, she began to live life. And when they had started dating, it was like Minako's prayers were answered. Her hardworking daughter was finally happy in the arms of a man. She was even ready to accept Usui-kun as her son-in-law in the future…but maybe fate had some other plans for them. After all, love is rare. And only the rarest of rare people get a chance to stay in love with their first-love. It is surely special. She looked at her own first-love, Sakuya. Even though they had gone through a lot, Sakuya had still come back to her. But, maybe her daughter wasn't as lucky as herself….

He stood in front of the floor to ceiling glass window overlooking the entire town as usual. His palms traced the reflection of the clouds in the sky. He hand a hand through his blond hair in attempts to push them back. He had loosened his tie and unbuttoned the white blazer he wore over a black crisp shirt. He stared outside blankly, having a feeling that today is going to be different.

Sadly, as always, his exploration was shortly interrupted by a phone call. He went to his table where his answering machine was beeping. He picked up the phone.

"Hello?" he said dispassionately, in fluent English.

"Sir, there is a call for you from Japan. It's the CEO of Igarashi Corporation .What shall I say?" His secretary spoke.

"Put him on for me" His interest spiked up on mention of the Igarashi name, how interesting.

"Alright. Have a good day, sir" The phone call went on hold and the said man waited patiently.

The phone call was connected again, and he waited for the person to speak up.

"You pathetic bastard!" came the arrogant voice of Igarashi Tora, His voice lacked any formalities or politeness. He was right, today was going to be different.

Takumi Walker smirked. This is going to be fascinating…

You guys should really wait for the next chapter, it is going to shock you.