Scarlett O'Hara's Diary

Scarlett's diary adapted into modern lingo, a la Bridget Jones's Diary. Great balls of fire & fiddle-dee-dee = wtf. Scarlett begins writing soon after Rhett's departure.

Many fics write Scarlett and/or Rhett untrue to character; they are often over-idealized/the story is sappy/Scarlett is written like a moron or Rhett like a knight in shining armor. I wanted to write something true to character and natural, but most importantly, I wanted to laugh, and I hope you laugh at times, too.

**Will update if/when reaches 30 reviews!

Weight: +5 lbs.

Children: 0. Technically, 3 - 1. Remaining 2 off to boarding school. Can barely take care of self, let alone children. Note- made sure to send kids to different boarding school than Belle's son.

Location: ATL

Days since I've seen Rhett: 40.

Days since I've heard from Rhett: 40.

Life lessons:

1) Life at 28 is certainly disappointing.

2) Have finally realized why everyone save my parents said I was crazy for 28 years. Take it day by day figuring out what a non-crazy person would/should do. Maybe you cannot undo crazy after 28 years. Maybe you are born crazy? Am not sure- have been crazy too long.

Successful attempts at non-craziness: 0.

Failed attempts: 40.

Have taken to depression eating. Should definitely stop. Won't wow anybody looking like crazy, fat cow.

Also, like a crazy person, am still hoping Rhett will eventually return.

- Scarlett

Weight: ?

Children: still 0

Location: ATL house

Days since seeing/hearing from Rhett: 60

Biggest regrets:

1) My moronic decade+ obsession with Ashley.

2) Marrying out of spite. Probably one of the real signs of madness. Who does that? From a practical stance, Frank made sense. Charles = wtf.

3) Having children so young. Definitely didn't know what I was doing. Also, I loved one child the most, and that was really the only child I should have had. The only time I was truly ready to be a mother was when I had my miscarriage.

In other news, I actually have not visited the Wilkeses since Rhett left/Mellie died.

I can often go days without thinking about Mellie, but I think of Rhett daily. I guess I haven't seen the Wilkeses for a variety of reasons. I feel it isn't right given Rhett's departure. It feels somehow like I'd be betraying Rhett and myself, even though Rhett is gone and (as of yet) hasn't looked back, but when I remember Mellie's request to look after Ashley and Beau, I feel guilt. When I feel that guilt, I reach for my purse, as if a gifts would assuage the pang, but I can never bring myself to complete the notion. Rhett never wanted to support Ashley. This shitty cycle of guilt ends in me wanting to shoot myself for being a better wife sans Rhett than when he was here.

I suppose I deserve this. No decent person would do all the things I did just to get through a war. Refrain: no decent person would do all the things I did to Rhett all these years.

Occasionally, I do wonder what my mother would think about how her daughters turned out. Carreen: a nun. Suellen: still a POS. Scarlett: also still a POS. She would probably also think life turned out disappointingly. I guess that makes 2 of us.

In other news, I have begun wrapping up the home in Atlanta. I'm not sure what to do it. It looks like a musuem, and it feels like a mausoleum of my failures. Have stayed for 2 months IN VAIN hoping Rhett would come back or write. Emphasis on "in vain." Plus, I have also noticed it is ugly. Contemplating whether I should eventually sell. I can renovate the interior, but I would rather buy new home than remodel the exterior.

I am considering where to go. I originally thought I would go to Tara, but then I remembered crazy, POS Suellen is there. Would rather jump off bridge than live with her again. 16 years was enough. 2 crazies under 1 roof is enough!

P.S. It's random, but sometimes I think of Frank's tombstone. Need not mention I have never visited it since his burial. Feel like a POS, but also cannot make myself care enough to visit. Ugh.

- POS O'Hara

Location: still Atlanta.

Days since hearing from Rhett: 62

I have decided that while some people are driven to madness, some are born crazy. I am adding myself to latter list.

Every day I hope Rhett returns, I realize I am still crazy. I am stuck at a point where I'm unsure what to do. Can craziness be undone? Or am I subjected to feeling and remaining this way for eternity? Maybe that's the punishment for crazy: remaining that way.

Can you try to undo the madness? Should I continue hoping for Rhett's return/win him back, or do I try to think that he may never return and move on (note: crazy seeping in- cannot write "accept" as I still hope otherwise) ?

I have trouble conceptualizing life after Rhett. We spent so many years together. Surely, that isn't a reason to stay together, although others would beg to differ. How do you just realize that someone in front of you was the one for you? It doesn't make sense. How do you realize someone you dubbed as "the one" actually isn't the one? I don't really understand all this either. 62 days later, I realized even more that life is miserable without Rhett and boring with Ashley.

After Rhett, what would I do? What can I do? Re-marry? Become someone's mistress? Live alone? God forbid I become a single mother... ! That would drive me insane. Have already established I am not maternal in the typical sense. Unfortunately, what I've realized about children is that they do not raise themselves. As shitty as it sounds, spending all day long with my 2 kids would drive me insane.

I feel like there's no way I can divorce. Not only would I become a social leper, but I feel that really would be the last time I ever saw Rhett. Ugh. Self-destructive cycle of shittiness.

Rhett once said he would return every once in a while to uphold the image of a united front. I'm trying to figure out what to do before his arrival... if he does. I continue to hope he'll uphold his word, but why would he? I've been bat shit insane for 12+ years. Would you feel compelled to keep your promise to a crazy person who's tortured you for years? I rest my case... then argue with myself in my head.

Am so crazy and listless that I have begun even keeping a diary. Funny what living in limbo with no life missions/struggles will do to you. You have to live with yourself, I guess. Unfortunately, I happen to be crazy, but I can't always push things to tomorrow. There's no tomorrow with Rhett if I do that. Bah!

- Crazy Mrs. B