Days since Rhett's departure: ~120 days
Weight: -5 lbs. I don't know what happened to depression eating. It started tasting the same after a while. Enough of that, and you realize something has to change.
It's been over 120 days, and Rhett has not returned. I am beginning to think he may never return. Every additional day I stayed in that home reminded me of all the fucked-up-ness. I also couldn't help but wait. I couldn't not not-wait. Every morning, I woke up and hoped he would knock on the door, or perhaps just be here. I would check his room, Bonnie's room, then descend the staircase and listen for him. Always, there was nothing. During meals, I would think about what life would be like with Rhett back. I would imagine being together. At night, I would realize I was alone, and he hadn't yet returned. I would sleep while arguing with myself whether he would keep his word or not. In the end, it just made me depressed as shit every day.
Love sucks.
I decided to pack up the house and get away. I haven't decided whether he'll be back or not. I didn't get away in hopes he would hear of my departure and come check on me. Am now beginning to doubt he would. I realize that he's been through torture for 12+ years. As thick as it sounds, I am realizing that is a long time.
I also have not decided whether this means I am giving up hope or not. I just know I don't like feeling sad, and I can't live sad forever. I have to figure something out.
I feel like being in this house isn't helping my case. I need to be away from the South and anyone who knows me. I'm too depressed to deal with their judgment and hawk eyes... but... whatever. Judgment no longer hurts me the way it did when I was 16.
- Scarlett
130 days.
Since this is my diary, it doesn't matter what or whom I write about, but I'll kill myself if I only fill it with Rhett thoughts, so I won't write about him today.
To-do list:
1) finance my own vacation
I've decided to take an indefinite vacation until my head clears up or I feel better. I've never been good at sorting out my thoughts or understanding myself. I'm trying, but it's annoying, and I don't like it. I figured things may just come to me or be less stressful if I'm traveling.
I don't want Rhett to know about my travels. He may think it's an attempt to get his attention, and I won't give him that. I don't need to explain to anyone what I'm doing.
I need to finance the trip with my own income, which would come from the shop... but this makes me think about the house. I'm considering whether I should eventually sell or rent it out... And if I do rent it out, how would I do that discreetly? But at this point, I am sure Atlanta society knows Rhett is not around. I'm unsure whether I should say "to hell with it."
While I'd like to send all the help to Tara (at least until SOMEONE comes back), the only thing that stops me is what society will surely say. It's funny. I no longer care for judgment, if I am subjected to a life of social leprosy without Rhett... but IF he returns, then I do care; I care for us.
Gah, this whole "facing problems" thing is overwhelming. I've decided to face one thing at a time.
Anyway, onto lighter fare. Since I have no close girlfriends to travel with, I bring Mammy. She's a mother, a sister, and a friend. I should think Mammy might enjoy seeing the world, though she'd never show it.
A small part of me remembers my children, and I feel a pang of guilt. Should I be wanting to bring them? Do I even have to ask? Sadly, I do, and I still am not sure of the answer. And regardless, I won't bring them. That's how shitty of a mother I am.
P.S. I just wanted to note that I wouldn't want to send the servants to Tara for Suellen. I'd want them to go because they love Tara, and that has always been home. F Suellen.
- Scarlett