Paris. with Mammy.
It's times like these I wish I had received a better education. I can't speak a lick of French. Mammy and I are accompanied by two translators, and who knows if they are giving me the word-for-word. Doubtful.
Still, Paris is lovely, and being in a new environment is refreshing. I think less of Atlanta, the home, and Rhett. I think of how Paris would have been together. Undoubtedly, it would have been a lot of fun. Shopping is great. Having money is great, but it's more fun having someone to spend it with. That's something I've realized... Rhett enjoyed shopping as much as I did. As I shop and think about Rhett, I think about Ashley. I guess this is my way of thinking about the past.
Did Ashley like shopping? He didn't. Mellie made him things-beautiful things-and he appreciated them, but he didn't like or know much about shopping or joie de vivre, as the French would say. I feel like Ashley did as he thought he should. Over the years, I have come to accept that I am just not a very proper person. Ashley could never accept such a conclusion for himself. Thinking about it, I honestly don't know if Ashley post-war even had a sense of self. He was wrapped up in Southern idealism that he tried to mold himself to that + the war sucked him dry (which I can't blame him for).
During my obsession, I just thought Ashley, Ashley this, Ashley that. Without accepting him for who he is, I saw him as I wanted him to be. I can admit that wasn't fair to Ashley... nor was it to Mellie, myself, or Rhett. I guess, though, it was my idealism misplaced upon Ashley that got me and Mellie through the war, though, and when it's put that way, I wouldn't take it back. The best thing about Ashley ended up being Mellie, and the best thing I got through Ashley was Mellie. As shitty as it sounds, after she died, I was like wtf. It would've been better if it was Ashley. I know-shitty and fickle... but true.
I can accept that and my fucked up past, but what bothers me most thinking about is how long I did this, and how long I was hung up on this illusion. Long enough to "throw away happiness," as Rhett once said. Those words now haunt me. The more time passes and the more I think about it, I realize life would have really sucked with Ashley. I only thought what I did my whole life: just of getting what I wanted (or thought I did).
Sometimes, I wonder what life would have been like had I met Rhett first. Then, I remember despite how I've come to love him, he is a real cad/occasional POS, too (albeit a more redeeming one than myself). Perhaps he was even more of a cad in his teens, and we both would have hated each other. I don't know if it's better that we met when I was 16, had we met earlier, or had we met later. maybe it would all have turned out the same anyway. Maybe I would have always been the same POS. I don't know.
P.S. as a non-Rhett side note, I should mention that France isn't like the States. Mammy has been treated quite well over here, and I'm pleased to say it. I learned that Thomas Jefferson brought his mulatto here as well.
- Scarlett