CHAPTER 19: LETTING GO

||A PROMISE OF FOREVER ||

Misaki stood in front of Takumi, who was smiling as if his whole world had lit up. He almost reached out for her hand, which he had wanted to hold for so long now. He stood his ground, kept his mouth shut, and looked in her eyes, awaiting all she had to say. Was she going to tell him how she still loved him and was willing to take him back even though he had put her through a lot of bullshit? Was she going to tell him she needed time and would come back to him as soon as she figured things out? Or was she tired of all the drama and wanted him to go home with her tonight?

His heart raced.

But what she said afterwards almost made his heart stop.

"Thank you for coming here on such short notice." She began, her attention was almost diverted by the sudden rain but she came back to him and continued, "But you may not like what I will say next. But I won't let it stop myself from saying what I called you here to say…"

"Just say it. I'm sure I can take it." He smiled and placed his hand on her shoulder, to reassure her that he, a grown man, could take whatever she had to say.

She exhaled a breath she didn't know she was holding, "It's never going to work out between us. I don't think we should continue this any longer." She gently removed his hand from her shoulder, averting her eyes from his gaze. She didn't want to romanticize the moment.

Silence followed, Takumi blinked, he hadn't expected that; even though he should have.

"Ayuzawa… he trailed her, as he began to cup her cheek. She retreated, she didn't need his embrace to weaken her resolve; nor did she have any plans of falling into his arms no matter how appealing that sounded to her imaginary audience.

"I mean what I said." She said, with a strong voice, making him go silent. He truly had not expected this to happen. He reached out for her hand, feeling desperate now. He didn't want to take too much time, for he thought that she was moving far away from him every moment.

"Goodbye." She said and turned around. She did not want to stretch this any longer. She could not.

"But…" He fell silent, not knowing what to say. He was better with his actions, but he knew she would not appreciate his embrace. He looked down, not having enough courage to see her walk away.

"You'll find someone better." She smiled as she said that, of course, he would. She meant every word she said tonight. She had no regrets.

Takumi took out the dried rose he had been keeping for her in the pocket of his coat for many years now. It crumbled at his mere touch, the petals fell on the ground. He watched his world crumble with the petals, as he bent down to collect them. There was no point in picking them, for they had too much past history, and the petals could not be attached to the bud again.

"I don't want to find someone new…" He sighed to himself, as he dwelled in the sound of crickets and rain.

Igarashi Tora sat in the hospital canteen with a Styrofoam cup of coffee in his hand. His hair was an absolute mess but they were the least of his worries even though he was someone who took special care of his appearance. He sat with his legs crossed and his other hand under his chin. His trusted right-hand man, Maki, was standing next to him with a fake smile plastered on his face.

The atmosphere was depressing—just like it usually is in a hospital, but that did not seem to bother Tora as much today. He was especially tormented today, all thanks to the situations he was surrounded with. He didn't notice anyone who passed him, didn't bother to stand up for the patients that needed a seat; he didn't even bother to throw a fake smile the kids' way.

Misaki's health was bothering him, it was no news though. There was no improvement till now, only the side effects showed up and the probability of the chemotherapy benefiting her was reducing day by day. She refused to tell her parents, which wasn't a good thing either.

He sighed—almost in pain. Maki grew still. His shoulders relaxed when no reaction came.

Tora stood up moments later, noticing Dr Ayame walking in another direction. He wanted to talk to her about Misaki…

Maki sighed as he put his head down, disappointed. This was uncharacteristic of Tora Igarashi.

Misaki was contemplating, looking straight at the mini shelf in front of her. It was a tough choice. She didn't want to drink again and be found on a random sea shore again, but everything was driving her insane. Not to mention the pretences she unnecessarily put up in front of her family. Now that they were gone and she was left to her own devices, she felt like she could finally be free.

She was fully soaked. The rain had no plans of stopping. She took off her wet clothes and took a shower already. The shower was not a place to keep busy, rather, it was a place where you were alone with your thoughts. She did not want to think about all that happened tonight, but she felt relief even though her heart hurt—physically and emotionally. This was not new, but she was tired of everything—and sometimes thought how good it would actually be if she ends up dead.

She laughed at her thoughts. Sometimes life gives you lemons and you develop a dark sense of humour instead of making lemonade. What she did tonight felt right to her. It did hurt, but it was nothing new. She was used to it. She felt like she deserved to be left alone instead of picking up the pieces of a broken relationship. She could not put herself through that kind of pain again.

Her own habits were becoming a pain to her, she never saw herself to become this kind of a person. One who breaks people's hearts and gets drunk on every chance they get. These things were taboo to the young Misaki, but she was all about it now.

Alcohol was a close friend she liked to rely on more than she liked to rely on people. She was not internally ashamed to admit she liked that it made her head spin, no matter the amount of headache she had to endure the next day. It made her forget when she wanted to forget. It took her a long time to realise that her phone was ringing for the last ten minutes, but she could only laugh at her ignorance towards the surroundings.

She had no plans of picking up Tora's calls. She just wanted to be left alone on her bed with a bottle of whiskey and chocolate. She threw away the box of her medicines some time ago because she decided to stop her treatment forever.

She could not bother with it anymore. She decided that she could not bother with anything which was taking too much of her energy anymore. She just had to keep herself happy. She just had to keep breathing. How hard could that be?

She knew how hard it could be, but it was the only thing she was willing to do. It sounded ridiculous, but Misaki was staring at her resignation letter. Her handwriting was too cursive and slurry to understand because she could not see straight when she wrote it. It did not matter since it sent the message across. She was willing to let go of everything because it just didn't make sense anymore.

Nothing made sense anymore.

||MISS_KIREI||

Uh.

I was ill. I couldn't write.

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