3. For as Long as I Live

Her room was quiet and dark, even though morning had been well advanced by the time she woke up. Her eye opened slowly, lazily. The morning sun cut out a triangular blade of light full of dancing dust motes as it filtered through a slit in the drapes and through the gloom inside.

He was still sleeping peacefully. She sighed softly, relishing in his warmth. His unshaven chin scraped lightly against her forehead, his scent stronger in the morning, before he showered; his arm curled protectively around her, her hand covering his plaster cast. It was so… familiar, so common, the way she woke up so many times before. And yet it was barely remembered, a shadow from a happier time, a time that maybe never was, just a figment of her imagination, a wish that turned into memory from the sheer desire for it to come true.

The confused jumble of images and sensations from last night went through her mind. Crying herself to sleep over the large plush toy, then feeling his arms scoop her up, at first refusing to relinquish the felt chicken, just to drop it and wrap her arm around his neck as soon as her head found a resting place on his chest. She was lowered gently on the bed, her arm still looped around him, not letting him go, grasping at him almost in desperation, forcing him to lay down beside her fully dressed. Never opening her eyes, her arm finally unwound itself and her hand touched his face, tracing the familiar planes of his jaw and the curves of his cheek. She could feel his feathery kiss on the tips of her fingers as they brushed his lips, then his face came closer, his soft, warm breath caressing her and his lips barely grazing her own, that one single gossamer touch saying more than a thousand terms of endearment. His left arm went over and around her, the rhythm of his breathing hypnotizing, his scent soothing and calming. His right arm was between them and her hand followed it from the shoulder down, coming to rest over the plaster cast on his right hand as she drifted off to sleep.

She gave a sudden start, the significance of the cast on his hand finally reaching her mind. Her brow furrowed in concern. What happened? How did he manage to hurt himself? Was it healing the right way? The work had Cyborg's hallmarks written all over it, which was the best she could've hoped for, but hand wounds were notoriously complex to treat; the broken bones seldom fused properly. She squeezed her eye shut. If only she wasn't so… useless.

She should get up, leave, disentangle herself from his embrace, not allow herself the bliss and the joy of his nearness. It was weakening her resolve and making her doubt the path she had to take. Even more now that her utter worthlessness was displayed for all to see. She was hideous, weak, half-crippled; her power was gone, unable to sense anything, unable to heal anyone… And to top it all, her mere presence would constantly remind him and his friends of the little time she had left, time that would slowly tick-tock itself out, swirling away like water in a drain, going around and around in a futile attempt to break away, escape and avoid the merciless claws of entropy. And through it all their anxiety would grow, their suffering increase, their pain mount.

It was unthinkable.

She would not allow it.

She tried to squirm out of his embrace as gently as she could. His eyes opened and he gazed at her with a mixture of hurt and amusement. His arm curled around her harder, pulling her back close to him.

"You're not going anywhere, love."

"Gar, I…"

"I saw the clothes you were preparing last night, Rae. You wanted to leave. I'm not letting you."

She looked away, hiding her face from him. "I can't do this to you."

He made her look at him again. The gold flecks that always danced in his eyes were quiet and dark. "Do you really think it would hurt me less?"

"You would get over it. Just like you did –"

"Rae" he whispered, not letting her finish. "I never did. I never could."

She closed her eye, unable to meet his gaze any more. She felt his fingers in her hair.

"You made me a promise, Rae. 'For as long as you live'."

She could just nod her head, not able to open her eye and face him, not having the power to say anything.

He held her captive, feeling the slight tremors shake her, scenting the love and despair on her.

"There is a way. There has to be a way. We will find it."

Again she nodded, then buried her face in his chest and released herself to his love.

"Mornin', little sis! Sleep well?"

"Good morning, Victor. I did, thanks."

Cyborg glanced at Changeling, who just nodded slightly. The half-robot relaxed, feeling his anxiety subside slowly. Raven limped over to the counter and sat down, Changeling following her soundlessly like a ghost. Plates of waffles appeared in front of them.

The familiar but almost forgotten smell of Cyborg's freshly made breakfast waffles made her eye burn again. She sighed, trying not to shudder. She felt Garfield's hand on her own, his reassurance flowing into her. She drank greedily of the love and the strength he was pouring into her, then forced a small smile on her face.

"You two are going out of your way to spoil me."

"Well, y'know how it is. Ah don't wanna give y'all any reason to complain about the accommodations" Cyborg drawled wryly.

Her smile widened slightly. She wanted to say something, but decided it could wait, at least until she finished breakfast. She took a bite, then with a practiced movement picked up a napkin and covered the left side of her face while she chewed. It was a reflex, an automatic motion; she never gave it a thought, so she didn't notice Garfield tense and Cyborg turn around, suddenly very busy with the dishes.

The breakfast finished, Garfield guided her to the couch and had her sit down on it. Cyborg sauntered over and sat on the other side.

"It's time for you to enlighten us, little sis" he said softly, trying to spare Changeling the pain of having to ask.

"I know" she said, sighing deeply. "Please, you must forgive me. I simply had no time to… to speak with anyone. Especially not with you, Gar" she said, turning to him, touching his hand. His brow was creased and he looked ready to ask her why, but he kept his peace, letting her finish first.

"That night I had a… you could call it a dream, but it was much more that that. It was a certainty, I knew it had happened, just as if I had been there as it occurred. My father found a way to enter our plane and he manifested himself in the outskirts of the city. He knew where I was and his first wish was to take his vengeance on me for what I did. What I had felt was him calling to me. He taunted me and defied me."

"He would not allow me time to prepare my defenses or to gather allies. I had to respond to his call immediately. I only had time to get dressed and… and then I created a portal and went to face him."

"You did more than just that" Changeling cut her off dryly.

She looked at him, a spark of the old Raven appearing in her defiant eye.

"I knew I wasn't coming back, Gar. I left the ring as a token that I was releasing you from your promise."

He looked at her expressionlessly. "Did it ever occur to you that I didn't wish to be released?"

Her gaze became pained and dropped to the floor. His teeth ground against each other with rage at himself as he felt his heart ripped apart. I have hurt her. Why? Why am I so stupid? Why do I hurt the only person in the world that I wouldn't ever wish to harm?

His arm went around her shoulders. "Look, I'm sorry, I didn't want to –"

"I know, Gar. I understand" she said, still looking down. Her gaze lifted and she looked at him. "I didn't wish to hurt you, either. But you – any of you – could not help. You could only get killed."

His jaw muscles clenched again as he bit off a reply. Cyborg noticed it and steered the conversation away from the topic.

"What happened then?"

"I… faced him. He had taken on human form, the same one that you saw, the same person that you brought here. But unlike last time, all his power was with him and… it was immense. Incredible. I wasn't even outclassed, I was a toothless worm trying to bite an elephant."

"It was hopeless. I tried to fight him. I poured every ounce of strength I had into my attacks. He brushed them off as if they were bothersome flies. He tore apart my defenses effortlessly. His strikes went through them like the blade of a sword through tissue paper. He laughed at me and toyed with me. He let me launch my bolts at him time and again, taunting me, showing me how utterly useless my power was when compared to his. He struck back at me with blows carefully measured to smash through my protective spells and hurt me, just enough for the pain to be almost unbearable, but never enough for me to pass out or to get wounded heavily. Oh no, he wanted to play with me, to torture me, to let me feel and taste my own weakness, to make sure I knew how defenseless I was, to make me lose hope."

Her hand gripped Garfield's, her nails digging into his flesh without her noticing. His expression never changed.

"Soon I was at his mercy, completely exhausted and unable to attack or defend any more. His laughter drilled into my ears and my brain, tore holes in my soul. He swept aside the blocks I had on my mind and he dove in, rooting through my memories, looking for my deepest fears to torture and hurt me and to make me suffer as only he could. He scoured with agonizing brutality through my feelings and twisted them into hideous caricatures of themselves. He sullied everything he touched, filling my mind and soul with his evil filth. All the good that I ever did was perverted and tainted, everything I could ever take pride of was transformed into a source of shame; all the good feelings I ever had were ripped out of me, jerked and twisted inside out, made to be the opposite of what they were and then forced back on me."

"I could only kneel before him, whimpering, wishing for the pain and torture to end. But he wouldn't let it. He savored it, and he made his enjoyment clear to me, and he forced me to know that it would go on and on and on… And then he… he made a mistake."

She fell silent, her shoulders shaking with dry sobs. Changeling and Cyborg sat quietly, knowing they could do nothing but let her fight out of it herself.

"He… found my love. I tried to hide it, Gar. I tried to deny it, to keep you safe from his wrath, but I couldn't. It shone through me like a beacon, its light both repelling and attracting him. He tried to rip it out of me and darken it, tarnish it, defile it; but it hurt him and burned him and cut him when he touched it. It made him mad."

Her eye squeezed shut. Her fingers clawed Garfield's hand, lacerating it, drops of blood soundlessly falling on the couch. Neither one of them noticed.

"He raged. He formed images in my mind of how he would find you and… hurt you. How he would… torture you."

Her eye glowed red. Her voice became deeper.

"He wanted to harm you" she said. Her voice was quiet, but her tone made the hairs on the back of Garfield's neck rise. "In his rage, he forgot for a moment who I was."

Her voice was now a low growl. It had that peculiar quality of resonating in several intonations, all just a millisecond out of sync with each other.

It angered me.

She looked at him. Another red eye appeared just over her eyebrow. Two red slits opened on the ruined side of her face. All four eyes blazed with infernal fire. Her voice made them both shudder.

I will not allow anyone to harm you. You are mine.

The eyes slowly dimmed and extinguished and her voice returned to normal. She breathed heavily.

"He forgot who I was" she said again. "He forgot that rage and hatred always bound me to him. I used that bond. I took those feelings from him, made them mine, sucked them out of him. I fed my own power with his. I weakened him and strengthened myself, letting the abomination of his malice consume me, and then I loosed it all on him."

She took a deep, shuddering breath.

"He realized what I was doing and he clawed at me, wounding me as you see. But his arm was burned off doing it, and my counter tore off his leg. I wished to erase him, to destroy his essence, to annihilate every vestige of his existence, and the blast I unleashed on him made it so. It wiped his mind completely, leaving him as you see him now. But as it destroyed him, so did my power go away. The little I had left I used to… heal him, and to close my own wounds."

"I somehow dragged his body to the road, where a kind woman took us and drove us to the city. I forget what weird story I gave her to explain what a comatose cripple and a scarred girl were doing in the middle of nowhere, but she didn't press the point. She probably became scared and wanted to get rid of us as soon as possible, suddenly regretting her benevolence. I don't blame her."

"I withdrew all the funds I had and I rented that apartment. I cared for him, waiting for the time that I knew was coming, when my organs would fail and I would… go."

Changeling shifted a little. "I still don't understand why you didn't return with us."

Her eye blazed white, her voice fierce as she hissed at him.

"Look at me, Garfield! This is what I am now! A disfigured ruin! I can barely walk, let alone be part of the team! I have no powers, no empathy, no healing left! I am an aberration, a freak!"

"No" he said gently. "To me, you are just as beautiful as you always were."

She closed her eye as his words scythed through her. Her head bent forward and nestled on his shoulder.

Cyborg cleared his throat.

"Does all this mean that Trigon is destroyed?"

She sighed, not wishing to leave Garfield's shoulder.

"Yes and no. Trigon was – is – an embodiment, a physical representation of evil. You cannot destroy evil, it is a concept, not a material thing. For now, it is trapped in that prison of flesh. When the prison dies…"

"The evil will free itself?"

"Yes. It will seek a new host, either to turn into Trigon again or to become a new being. I will depend more than anything on the host's willpower. But whatever it is, it will be consumed with the evil, regardless. It will have Trigon's powers and all that made him what he was. It would not change anything."

"It would have Trigon's powers?" Changeling asked.

Raven nodded. "Those powers are intrinsic. They were part of Trigon when he was created as the manifestation of the evil that the Azarathians ripped out of themselves."

"I see" Changeling said, then fell silent.

"Well, that leaves only one question open" Cyborg said with a gusty sigh.

"Nothing can be done, Vic" Raven replied, straightening up and turning to face him. "You know that yourself. The scans from last night must have told you so."

"We could try cloning and growing the organs in vitro, then –"

She shook her head. "I don't think so. Unless there had been a breakthrough in cloning tech I'm not aware of, it's not possible and you know it."

"How about electromechanical implants?"

The unscarred part of Raven's lips turned upwards. "Want to turn me into a copy of yourself?"

"It's a possibility we should look at" Cyborg retorted, slightly annoyed.

"That technical lingo is making my head hurt" Changeling said suddenly. "I gotta go do something. Be right back."

They looked at him and nodded, returning to their discussion.

"I don't think the knowledge of how to do it has survived your father, Vic. Just the issue of the immune system's response to the implants is daunting. And where would we get the replacements? Can you manufacture them?"

"I can certainly try" Cyborg said as Changeling left the room. Raven glanced after him.

"There isn't enough time. You know it."

Cyborg sighed and shook his head. "You should've come here right away, little sis. You shouldn't have –"

She cut him off. "Neither one of you seems to understand, Victor. My father… he twisted my memories and my feelings. I may have defeated him, but the scars are still with me. And not only these" she said, touching her face. "I am extremely uncomfortable right now. I have an overwhelming urge to run away, leave. I am ashamed, Vic. Ashamed of what I am, of how I look, of what I did."

"That shame is not real!"

"It feels quite real to me."

"Then you have to fight it! Your love, Gar's love, is that nothing? Can't you use that to help you?"

"Of course. He's already helping. But it will take time. Time that we don't have."

Silence fell between them. Cyborg sat scowling. Raven placed her hand on top of his large metallic paw, trying to change the subject.

"Where are the others? Kori? Richard?"

Cyborg's face darkened, but he managed to control himself.

"Kori's on Tamaran. Some urgent stuff that Galfore had requested her to do. Richard… he's… been out a few days now. I don't expect him back soon."

Raven smiled again. "Did he manage to sniff Slade out?"

Cyborg gave her a sickly grin. "Yeah, something like that." At least she can't sense that I'm lying to her, he thought.

"How did you guys do while I was away?"

Cyborg's grin widened. "It wasn't easy, little sis. Doctor Light almost beat us."

She chuckled. "Now that's what I call falling low."

Suddenly an alarm blared. They both looked up, surprised.

"What's that? That's not the Crime Alert!"

"It's the Containment Unit! The external protection has been breached!"

"Containment Unit? Is that were you placed… Garfield!" she cried, the realization crashing on her.

Cyborg was already on his feet and running for the door when Raven's despairing shout stopped him.

"Victor, please! You must take me!"

He turned around and looked at her for a second, then strode back, scooped her up and ran to the Containment Room.

As Cyborg ran, a second alarm started howling. He cursed.

"That's the radiological and biohazard screen breached. He made it through the second layer. If he breaks through the inner force field…"

They were approaching the Containment Room when the third alarm sounded. Both knew what happened. They will be too late.

Raven's eye was wet. "Gar, no, please don't do it, Garfield, my love, don't, please …" she whined, repeating it as if it was her mantra, clinging onto Cyborg with her good arm.

Cyborg never stopped to open the door to Containment. His leg struck out and the door blew inwards. He ran in, carrying Raven, without stopping as the door banged on the far wall and fell to the floor.

They turned to where the Maximum Security Containment Unit was and froze. Changeling was standing there, his left hand transformed into a paw with a set of two-inch, razor-sharp talons protruding from it. With all security measures overridden or destroyed, the man who was Trigon lay before him, defenseless and wide open for a sweep of the claw that would end his life.

Cyborg put Raven down and his arm started transforming into a cannon, pointing it at Changeling. Raven's hand touched his arm.

"Wait!"

"He's gonna kill him! He wants to get his power and use it to heal you! He doesn't care what'll happen after!"

"I know. He won't do it. Trust me."

Cyborg lowered his arm cannon slowly and looked at her.

"I hope you know what you're doing, little sis" he growled.

"I hope so, too" she replied grimly and limped over to where Garfield stood, stock still, gazing at the prone form in front of him.

She came abreast of him and glanced at the man laid out on the medical bed, IV tubes going into his arm, electrodes from medical sensors stuck over his body, his eyes closed, his mouth half opened, unaware of anything. She gripped Garfield's paw in her hand.

"Gar…"

He ignored her, staring at the prone, mindless body. Her hand let go of his arm, went for his cheek.

"Gar, look at me, please."

He finally turned his head and looked at her. Unspeakable sorrow was glowing in his green eyes.

"I'm sorry, Rae. I… can't. I just can't do it. I've… failed you. I'm sorry."

"I know. That is who you are. And that is why I love you."

She pulled his head down gently and kissed him.

"Let's go, Gar. We'll find another way."

A tiny spark of hope shone deep in the green depths.

"You… promise?"

"I promise."