7. There is Always Hope
As Changeling and Starfire walked into the Ops room, they were met with a chorus of joyful greetings. Never one to hide or shy away from her emotions, Starfire indulged herself in bruising the ribs of everyone. Cyborg was certain he would later need to hammer out the imprint of her arms from his titanium armor.
And yet there was one person that she greeted only with a polite but cool nod, her usually expressive green eyes refusing this time to reveal the feelings beneath. Nightwing sighed.
For a few minutes they sat, bringing Starfire up to date with Raven's condition and what was being done. Her eyes glowed with sorrow when Garfield finished.
"I have to offer the apologies to you, friend Garfield" she said. "None of the healers on Tamaran knows of any way that can move friend Raven's condition towards the improvement. But we are still searching, and we shall not stop in that endeavor until there is any of the hope remaining."
Changeling put on a brave face for her sake and wrapped a grateful arm around her shoulder. "Thanks, Kori. I could hardly have wished – or hoped – for more."
His communicator buzzed. It was Jinx. A concerned frown appeared on his face.
"Hey, Jinxie, whassup?" he asked with a somewhat forced levity.
"She's awake, Gar, and she's apprehensive. I'm trying to calm her, but I don't think –"
"I am not apprehensive! I'm fine! Don't bother Garfield with stupidities!" Raven's angry comment could be heard in the background.
"As I was saying…" Jinx's dry tone could be felt even through the communicator's modulation.
"I'm on my way" he said tersely and cut off the line, just as another one of Raven's protests was coming through. He got up from the couch and felt Starfire's hand on his arm. He looked down and met her gaze.
"I would like to go with you and meet friend Raven" she said. "I have the understanding that it may not be a moment of the appropriateness, and I do not wish to be of the burden, but I –"
Garfield smiled at her and waved her concern away with a dismissive hand.
"You could never be a burden, Kori. I should have asked you myself. Raven will be more than glad to see you."
"Glorious!" Starfire whispered fiercely and followed Changeling to Raven's room.
Jinx was waiting outside of Raven's room. Garfield left her to face Starfire's hug and quietly walked in, closing the door.
"Hey, Rae. I'm here."
She stood up, looking at the floor, her voice tense. "I'm sorry, Gar, it's nothing, I'm fine, Jinx was overreacting and seeing things, I'm fine, really, you shouldn't have bothered –"
Her voice broke and faltered as his arms went around her. He could feel the tremors that were shaking her subside immediately.
"It's OK, Rae. I know."
He couldn't see her face, but her scent and the slowing down of her breathing spoke volumes to him. He allowed her the time she needed to get a hold of herself and relax. She held him agonizingly for a few seconds, then heaved a sigh.
"I always felt the need to be near you, Gar" she whispered. "Since before we started going out. You somehow have a way of calming me." Her eye went up and met his, a small smile lighting the undamaged part of her face. "Even when you infuriate me."
"That makes two of us" he said, smiling back at her.
"What, I also infuriate you?" she asked with a tiny twinkle of playfulness.
He laughed. "Nah. Not that." He ran his fingers through her hair. "There's someone here to see you" he said softly.
Her eyebrow went up, but this time she did not frown. "Who?"
"Wait a second" he said, pulled out reluctantly from her embrace and went to the door, opening it.
"Kori!" Raven cried. "Oh, Azar be blessed, Kori!"
Starfire said nothing but swooped in and embraced Raven in a tender hug, much different from her usual enthusiastic, rib-cracking squeeze. Just as quietly as he entered, Garfield left the room, closed the door and sat cross-legged beside it, giving the girls privacy while at the same time being there if necessary. His lips curled up in a satisfied smile.
Some twenty minutes later Starfire emerged, looked at him and gave him a happy smile and a nod, then flitted to her room. He grinned, got up and went inside.
Raven was already in bed; Starfire obviously used the time to get her ready and tuck her in. Well, at least that meant that he could sleep out of uniform for once. He quickly stripped, got into bed, embraced her and sighed happily.
Now we're all here. Now we'll find a way.
Raven was dreaming. It was the most beautiful dream she ever had.
She was immersed in soothing blackness, unable to see anything, but she could feel the touch of his lips on hers. It was light, almost ethereal, the sweetness of his breath behind it burning her with its warmth. He brushed them over her face, touching her nose, gliding over her cheek, pausing a bit on her eye and brow, to return back to her lips that were already aching to be touched again. He didn't kiss her, not yet, just slid his lips over her in a soft, loving caress that made her skin suddenly more sensitive, as if it was yearning to feel him better, to make up for all that time it was forced to exist without it, like an addict that was denied the craving for a long time and now felt it near again, the delicious expectation warming her, making her tingle and shiver.
Again his lips paused over hers, just touching, barely moving as they followed the rhythm of his breathing. Lost in the dream and almost lost in the sensation, she understood that he was waiting for her, not wishing to rush her, letting her set her own pace. The realization relaxed her and she shifted a bit to be more comfortable, returning his touch with her own lips, agreeing to his game, feeling him respond slowly, languidly.
He began his exploration anew, now trailing kisses over her face, coming back for a tiny peck on the corner of her mouth, then setting off again in an ever-increasing spiral that soon included her ear and her throat, but always returning back to her eagerly awaiting lips, as if apologizing for straying away from them for too long. She captured him, pinching gently his lower lip in her own kiss, releasing herself to the warmth that was creeping over her, breathing a bit faster now, his gossamer touches cooling her like fresh summer raindrops while leaving yearning, burning skin behind as if they were branding irons.
She wished she could never wake up.
Again the trail of his small, soft kisses ended over her mouth and again she used her lips to capture and hold him. A feeling of delicious daring came over her and she allowed her tongue to touch his lower lip, sliding it alongside, tracing the familiar but almost forgotten pattern, then retreating it anxiously, awaiting breathlessly his response.
She could feel him probe gently, looking for her, inviting her out, patiently, lovingly. She hesitated a little, a bit because of her own shyness, a bit because of the sweet need to tease him, a bit because… She suddenly shuddered. Because it was wrong, she should not be doing this, encouraging him, showing him how much she loved him and how much she missed him, she shouldn't raise false hopes in him, she should fight off this deceptively delightful dream and wake up and face reality, she did not deserve it, she was disfigured and ugly and useless and he hated her –
No.
As much as her father's taint tried to smother it, curse it, pollute it, the love she felt for him shone ever brighter, banishing the shadows, burning the filth, leaving nothing behind it except a foul-smelling, quickly dissipating reddish smoke and flakes of ash blown away by the fresh taste of Gar's lips. Oh, most of it remained still there, a dark, churning mist of unreasonable shame, self-doubt and questioning, but for a short time her love would keep it away, like the candlelight keeps away the shadows. And she should make good use of that time.
She sighed deeply and kissed him hard, letting all her longing loose, the hunger for his caresses and the thirst for his love bursting out of her, finally unleashed after being kept chained for so long that she forgot how much she wanted and needed it.
It was then that she sensed it was not a dream. She gasped with the realization, making him pause and look at her with love and concern. For a second or so she stared at him in the darkness, his features barely discernible in the shadows but his warmth and his scent and the beating of his heart and the soft, quick whisper of his breath all around her, real, tangible, reassuring. She pushed her confusion away and allowed the sheer joy that was kindling up in her to turn into a blaze as she curled her fingers in his hair and pulled him closer to her waiting lips.
He knocked quietly on Starfire's door. Part of him wished for her to be asleep so that she wouldn't open, so that he wouldn't have to go through it. But wishing it away would only make it worse. He had this one chance left; he'd better not blow it.
The door sighed open. She was still fully dressed, her eyes studying him calmly, their glow subdued and controlled.
"You were expecting me?" he asked instead of a greeting.
She chose not to answer. "Is there something I can be of the assistance with?" she asked back, her voice cool but not cold.
He forced himself not to swallow. Somehow her words and her tone hurt more than if she had slammed the door in his face.
Just as if she was talking to an acquaintance. No 'dear Dick', not even 'friend Nightwing.' Man, did I screw it up.
He pushed his apprehension down. "I am hoping that there is" he said. "I wish to talk to you. May I come in?"
She regarded him for a second, her gaze cool, her face composed. Did she learn that from Raven? he thought inanely, then rebuked himself silently. No. She learned it from me.
She made no move to allow him inside. She spoke instead, her voice level and calm. "We already did the talking about it if the recollection serves me well."
"Kori, I just –"
She cut him off, her tone becoming colder and a small green spark igniting in her eyes. "Please do not use my real name when addressing me. You have stated with the most painful of the clearness that you did not consider us to be of the sufficient closeness."
His jaw clenched, then slowly relaxed. "I deserved that" he said, his gaze dropping down. He took a deep breath, looked at her again and continued. "But I am here for two reasons. Will you hear them?"
"Please do it in the swift manner" she said as her voice returned to her previous cool politeness.
"I'm here to say I'm sorry. I made a terrible mistake. I allowed my fear for you and for myself to overwhelm me and to dictate my actions. I pushed you away and I hurt you. I'm sorry."
"I have done the noting of your apology. Will there be more of the things that you wish to say?"
He ground his teeth again. She would obviously not make it easy for him.
"There is. I wish… I want it back. I want you back. I know I was… I know I said hateful things to you, and I realize I was wrong. But I'd… I need you, Star. I love you."
She stared at him, her small eyebrows coming together, her eyes starting to glow with a dangerous green light.
"Do you?" she said, her voice rising. "Do you indeed? Have you not said to me that you felt none of the deep emotions for me? Have you not told me that 'it would be better if we went our own ways'?"
She grabbed him by the front of his uniform and lifted him effortlessly, then stepped forward and slammed him against the far wall, her face coming closer to his, her eyes now burning a vicious emerald, her voice choked with fury.
"I have been the prisoner of the Gordanians. I have been the slave to the Citadel. I have suffered the tortures and the humiliations at their hands. My own sister did the betraying of me and my family and my entire planet. And all that I could survive and make the peace with. But you took away my hope. You destroyed my heart. You extinguished my soul."
She released him and he slid down. She stepped back, her eyes still blazing, her fists clenching in rage.
"I shall not do the listening to your words any more. You have said what you had the desire to say. Now leave me to the loneliness. Leave me to find my own way. It is but what you had the wish for."
His shoulders slumped in defeat. He watched her turn and step inside her room. He realized suddenly that this was his last chance. Something in him snapped and he jumped forward; his arm shot up and he grasped her wrist, not letting her leave.
"Kori, please! Forgive me! I was wrong!"
She turned around, glanced at his hand clutching at her wrist, then slowly lifted her gaze to his eyes. Her hand went to the fist clenched around her arm, her tremendous strength easily prying off his grip, her hand now holding his own painfully, reminding him of the fact that she could readily pulverize the bones in it if she decided to do so.
He winced at the pain. "I'm sorry…" he tried again. She twisted her hand, forcing his entire arm to bend dangerously and making him turn, losing his balance. She kept twisting until he dropped to the floor, on his knees, his arm bent in an unnatural angle, at the verge of snapping, the green fire in her eyes burning into his heart and soul.
He ignored the pain in his hand and arm. The agony he felt inside was much worse.
"I'm sorry. I love you. I always have. I always will." His words came out clear in spite of his awkward position and the pain that was consuming him.
The fire in her eyes winked out. Her hand opened and she released him. He collapsed on the floor, panting, holding his tender wrist.
"I shall accept the apology, for it has the seeming of coming from the heart" she said again in that cool, polite voice. "But I do not have the trust in the rest. I shall do the watching and the evaluating of your actions. If you are able to do the proving of yourself, I shall give the matter further of the thought."
"That was all I wanted to ask for" he said quietly to her back as she walked into her room and closed the door, not giving any indication that she had heard him.
Raven was still asleep when he woke up. He shifted a bit to accommodate her better, eliciting a small murmur and a sigh of contentment from her. He smiled and closed his eyes the better to enjoy his own happiness.
Soon he felt her move and kiss his neck. He looked down at her, still smiling.
"Good morning, love."
"The best I ever had" she said softly, her voice still heavy with sleep.
He allowed himself to float on his joy for a few minutes, sensing hungrily all that he could, her warmth and her scent and the texture of her breath and the flash of violet where light would reflect from her hair. He sighed.
"Time to get up."
He sat up in bed, pushing away the cloud of dark thoughts that rushed at him. He scratched under the wedding ring again, then looked down at his hand, frowning.
It burst over him like the proverbial light bulb going off in his head, finally understanding the itching under the ring, his nervous playing with it, all symptoms of his subconscious trying to tell him something for days. It took me long enough to get it through my thick skull, he though wryly. He looked up and his hand went to the nightstand, reaching for the ring she had left there on the morning she disappeared.
Ring in hand, he turned to her. "It's time for you to start wearing this again" he said and slid the ring on her finger.
She looked at it, then at him. "You're right. I made you a promise. I must live up to it."
Her gaze fell on the ring again. "I'm so glad you brought her, Gar. Thank you for it" she said, absorbed in watching the ring on her finger. "She was always such a good friend…" she continued with a smile on her face. "I remember her at the ceremony, when we were getting married, she was radiating so much happiness that she almost made several Azarathians faint from the intensity of her emotions."
"Yeah, I remember" he said with another chuckle. The skin under the ring itched again. "And how could I forget when –" and then realization of what his subconscious was really trying to tell him, what it was screaming at him all that time hit him with the power of a freight train. He went taut, his words choking in his mouth, a sense of terrible exultation and hope rising in him, together with an enormous fear.
She felt his muscles stiffen suddenly and his breath catch in his throat. Her hand reached out for him and touched him, misunderstanding the reason for his sudden change of mood.
"Gar… She and Richard have broken up, didn't they?"
Suddenly fearful of telling her the real reason for his unease, he pounced on the opening she unwittingly provided him.
"Yes… yes, they did. I'm sorry. I saw it, but it didn't register with me. I was…"
She looked down. "It was my fault, wasn't it? They broke up because of me –"
He grasped her shoulders and squeezed them savagely, then lifted his hands and cupped her face gently.
"Don't listen to him. It wasn't you. It wasn't your fault."
He embraced her tightly and held her, helping her fight off the dark stain that threatened again to spread over her soul. She drank in his love and his strength, using it to banish her father's influence, calming down. She took a deep, shuddering breath and moved to nestle better in his arms.
He kissed her lightly. "It's OK. Just don't let him overcome you. Fight him, deny him, ridicule him, do anything that you can think of to reject him."
She nodded, not wishing to speak. He held her a few moments longer, then spoke softly.
"Let's go. I gotta talk to Jinx."
Garfield led Raven to the Ops room, forcing himself to be calm, not wishing to allow the rush of hopefulness that was making him almost dizzy to show on his face or in his voice.
I don't want to tell her, not yet. I don't want to raise hopes in her and then have them dashed. I will first prepare everything and make sure it will work before I commit myself. It's for the best.
He left Raven in Starfire's company and moved over to Jinx. He bent over, whispered in her ear and took hold of her arm, guiding her out through one of the side doors.
"What is it, Gar?" Jinx asked, puzzled. His voice was painfully eager, his eyes shone almost feverishly.
"I need you to help me out. I'm hoping you'll be able to do it. You already did it before, you should be able to do it again."
"Do what? You're not making much sense!"
"I need you to take us to Azarath."
Author's Notes:
Damn, but this was a difficult chapter to write. I had the scenes in my mind, but putting them to the keyboard and linking them together properly eluded me for quite some time. I'm still not happy about it, but I simply don't have the stamina to keep fighting with it. Sorry.