Harley awoke the next day with a hangover, and all her attention was suddenly focused on the pain in her skull. "That's what I get for day drinking," she muttered, rubbing her eyes. She rolled over onto her side to get up, but as she tried to stand, her body suddenly toppled over with sudden weight, making her fall onto the floor face-first.
"Huh. Must still be disoriented from the alcohol," she muttered, trying to push herself to her feet. And it was only then that she realized that the rest of her body wasn't touching the ground. It was all being held up by her two giant breasts which definitely hadn't been there yesterday.
"What the…" began Harley, wondering if this was a dream for a moment. She put her feet on the ground and tried to lean back, but the effort to hold her back up straight was incredible. She pulled herself up on the bed, and realized that she couldn't see her stomach or toes looking straight down – she could only see two massive mounds of flesh, which pulled against her back with incredible force.
Harley was beyond confused, but through the headache and the confusion came the memory of her injecting herself with Ivy's growth serum. "Oh my gosh…it worked!" she gasped, reaching out to touch them. "They're real…"
She was momentarily giddy with excitement, but this was short-lived as she felt another twinge of pain in her back. And as a familiar voice suddenly shouted, "Harley!" from the other room.
"Mr. J!" she gasped, grabbing her robe and trying to cover herself with a sheet. "He can't see these yet – it's gotta be a surprise!"
"Harley, there you are!" snapped Joker, entering the room at that moment. "I've been calling you – didn't you hear me?"
"Uh…I did…Mr. J," stammered Harley, keeping her robe firmly shut as she tried to adjust the bedsheets over herself. "I was just…uh…distracted by…an unusual growth…on my body…"
"Do you think I wanna know about that, Harl?" demanded Joker. "That's disgusting. Especially with our obligated intimacy coming up tonight - do you think I wanna be distracted by thoughts of you having a growth on your body?"
"No, Mr. J," said Harley.
"Well, never mind – get dressed," he sighed. "We have some errands to run. Seeing as it's Valentine's Day, and since my night is monopolized by a certain greedy girlfriend of mine, I have to go on my crime spree ASAP. We're gonna buy a buncha those little chocolate heart samplers, unwrap 'em, inject Joker toxin into one random chocolate in each box, and then return them to the store. It'll be Russian roulette romance for some lucky couples tonight!" he chuckled. "God, I'm such a genius!" he sighed, heading for the door.
"Mr. J, do you think you might be able to do that yourself?" asked Harley. "Only I've got…things to do today too."
"Oh?" said Joker, turning back around. "You have things that you wanna do today without me? That's surprising. You're the one who's always obsessed about us being together on Valentine's Day, and I thought a little romantic poisoning would be just the thing to get you in the mood for later."
"Yeah, it sounds great, Mr. J," agreed Harley, nodding. "Only…uh…I'm just not…feeling myself. I mean, I was kinda feeling myself earlier because I didn't believe it, but…now…well, I think I might be getting a cold," she invented.
Joker beamed. "Well, that's wonderful!" he exclaimed. "That means no obligated intimacy tonight, since you'd never be selfish enough to give me what you got, would you, Harley?"
"No, Mr. J," agreed Harley. "But…uh…I might be feeling better by tonight…so…maybe I can be waiting for you on that bearskin rug?"
"What bearskin rug?" asked Joker, frowning.
"I thought you were saying something about a bearskin rug and a fire yesterday," said Harley.
"Oh yeah, that," said Joker, nodding. "That was a Batskin rug, and that won't be possible because I didn't kill Batman, let alone skin him, and it's too late for that now since he's nocturnal. I was thinking we'd do our crime spree today, then come back here, curl up in bed, and watch the most romantic movie of all time."
"The Princess Bride?" asked Harley.
"Close," said Joker, nodding. "Duck Soup!"
"That's…not really a romance, is it?" asked Harley, slowly.
"Well, the Marx Brothers one has Groucho trying to court the dame," said Joker, shrugging. "So kinda. But your question should have been 'which version of Duck Soup'? Because both the Marx Brothers and Laurel and Hardy did a film called Duck Soup, and the answer to your question would be both…"
"So your plan for Valentine's Day is really us watching some silly slapstick comedy?" asked Harley.
"Two silly slapstick comedies. And cuddling," said Joker, nodding. "Sounds great, huh?"
Harley sighed heavily. "Well, maybe I can change your plans," she muttered, pulling aside her robe and dropping the sheet.
Joker started back, crying out in surprise as he stared at her. "What the…hell?" he gasped.
"Do you like 'em, puddin'?" she asked. "I…I got 'em done for you as a Valentine's Day surprise…I thought you'd be pleased."
"Oh…sure," he stammered, staring at her open-mouthed. "I…am pleased...only a little…uh…a little…um…sorry, it's hard to think of words right now…"
"You do like 'em, huh?" she pressed.
"I do…like…" he stammered. "Like…uh…like…oh, Harley!" he gasped, seizing her in his arms and slamming her down on the bed.
Well, that's one way to take the weight off my back thought Harley, as she returned his kisses.
"I thought you'd approve," she murmured, smiling as she lay in his arms afterward.
"I approve a lot," he chuckled. "As you could probably tell. But baby, how did you get this done so quick? I thought something like this would be kinda a long procedure…"
"Well, I didn't do it the traditional way," giggled Harley. "I was over at Red's yesterday, and she had made this serum she was gonna inject into guys to make 'em bigger, and I thought why not use it to make my girls bigger?"
Joker stared at her. "Say that again," he murmured.
"I was over at Red's yesterday…" began Harley.
"You injected yourself with something that crazy weed made to inject into men?!" demanded Joker, sitting up suddenly. "Do you have any idea how stupid that was, Harley?! You know what she's like! What if this thing she's invented has horrible side effects?! What if your boobs end up turning into plants, or falling off, or something?!"
"I don't think that's gonna happen…" began Harley.
"You don't think that man-hating plant-lover wouldn't think that's poetic justice?" demanded Joker. "Did you even ask her what was in that crap, or if it has any side effects?"
"I…I didn't tell her I did it," stammered Harley. "I thought she might be upset…I mean…I didn't really think…"
"That's right, you didn't think!" snapped Joker, standing up to get dressed. "C'mon, we're going over to hers right now and demanding that she changes you back!"
"No, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley, sitting up with difficulty. "I mean…you really like 'em, and I like how much you like 'em…why don't we just ask Red what was in that serum, and make sure it's nothing harmful? Then I can keep 'em, and we can all be happy."
"No, it's ruined now, Harley," he snapped, pulling on his clothes. "Now that I know that interfering plant fetishist is responsible for 'em, I'm thinking of her every time I see 'em, and it's ruined the magic. Come on, get dressed."
"I…uh…don't think I can," stammered Harley, pulling herself to her feet with difficulty and heading over to her closet. She pulled out her regular jumpsuit, and managed to pull it up to her chest, but not over. "They ain't gonna fit," she said, turning to Joker. "I think I'm gonna need new clothes."
"No, what you need is for that busybody weed to fix you!" snapped Joker. "I'll drag her back here by her hair if I have to, but she's turning you back to normal!"
"Ok, Mr. J," murmured Harley, sitting sadly down on the bed. She lay down, disappointed but relieved to take the pressure off her back again.
"Hey," said Joker, sitting down next to her. "It was a nice surprise. But you know this kinda thing don't make a difference to me, right?"
"It's just…you were really in the mood when you saw 'em, and you're not usually," said Harley, quietly.
"Well, you know me, baby," he said, smiling at her. "I'm a spontaneous kinda guy. And my girl getting massive funbags is a great, spontaneous thing for me. But I'm also the kinda guy who likes his comedy routine, and my Harley baby never changing is one of the things I've come to depend on, both mentally and physically. You know I ain't a superficial kinda guy."
"I know," said Harley, nodding. "I just thought it would be a way to make myself more perfect for you."
He kissed her. "You're a silly girl, Harley Quinn," he said, smiling at her. "To think you could be more perfect for me. You're a little idiot."
He kissed her again. "Now wait right there until I come back with the weed, and don't let anybody else see you. I don't want there to be anymore awkward explanations or situations today."
Spoiler alert: there would be.