Poison Ivy awoke to her phone ringing loudly at an unholy hour of the morning. "What the…" she muttered, reaching sleepily for it. "Hello?"

"Hey Pam, it's me," said a familiar voice on the other end.

"Harvey?" demanded Ivy, glancing at her clock. "It's like three in the morning – why are you calling me?"

"Sorry, forgot about the time difference," muttered Two-Face. "Look, I know it's late, but since you're awake…I think we need to talk."

"At 3 AM?" demanded Ivy. "I'm not going to be alert for this conversation!"

"Pam, just listen, please," he said. "I don't know who else to talk to, and I need…I need you to listen."

"Harvey, are you drunk?" demanded Ivy, noticing his slurred speech.

"I am that," he agreed. "Just listen…I was in this bar, and this chick starts coming on to me..."

"This young woman starts coming on to you," interrupted Ivy.

"Right, this young woman starts coming on to me, so I flip the coin, and it tells me to take her back to my hotel…"

"Why are you telling me about this, exactly?" demanded Ivy. "Are you hoping to get me jealous?"

"No, Pam, because…nothing happened," he stammered. "I mean…I did take her back to the hotel, and she was really up for it, but I…I couldn't do it."

"Harvey, I'm sure you can get Viagra in Brazil," retorted Ivy. "I do have herbal remedies for that, but I'm not sending them over…"

"No, Pam, I could physically do it, but I…I didn't," he stammered. "The coin wanted me to and everything, but…I couldn't. I…I disobeyed the coin. But it would have felt wrong to obey it…it's just…never happened to me before. I don't know what to do. I mean, the coin tells me what to do, but I didn't obey the coin, and now…I just feel lost."

"Harvey, if you've had some sort of psychological breakthrough and you want guidance, I think you probably should have called Dr. Leland at 3 AM, and not me," retorted Ivy. "She would probably be interested, but I'm really not, and I really don't know what to tell you, other than try and sleep on it, and I'll do the same..."

"I was thinking of you, Pam," he said. "That's why I couldn't do it. It would have felt wrong to betray you like that…"

"We're not a couple, Harvey," snapped Ivy. "I don't know how many times I have to say that before you get it through your thick skull!"

"I know that," he said. "But…couldn't we try to be? I'm in love with you."

Ivy was silent. "Harvey…" she began.

"No, I know it's crazy, and I know you don't want me to be, but I am," he interrupted. "That's the only explanation for disobeying the coin. Some madness that overrides the other madness…I can't deny it anymore, and I can't ignore it anymore. It's affecting my life too much and…I'm gonna be on the first flight back to Gotham, so…do you wanna meet up for Valentine's Day?"

Ivy sighed heavily. "Sure, why not?" she said. "But if you expect me to look alive for our date, you'd better let me get back to sleep now."

"Of course. I'll…see you later then," he said. "Bye."

"Oh God, this I do not need," muttered Ivy, hanging up the phone and lying back down. "Still, I guess the upside is that I have a guaranteed date for tonight, and I won't be needing my serum. I guess there are positive aspects to everything, even a guy being in love with you," she sighed, rolling over and falling back asleep.

She was awoken what seemed only a short time later by a loud banging on the door. "God, a flight from Brazil could not be that quick," she muttered, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. "But maybe it's Harley since the clown probably did kick her out today…"

"You open up right now, you disgusting plant lover!" shouted another familiar voice. "I will break down this door if I have to!"

"I'd like to see that," retorted Ivy, as she threw a robe on and stormed to the door. "Joker, happy Valentine's Day," she said, smiling coldly at him. "Where's Harley? Did she finally grow a backbone and kick you out for once?"

"I guess she finally had to grow a backbone because of what you've done, but not in the way you think!" Joker retorted, glaring at her with his arms folded across his chest. "Where's Harley indeed! She's stuck in bed, because she can't get dressed, or get up, thanks to your creepy meddling with her body!"

"What? What are you talking about?" asked Ivy, puzzled.

"Your stupid growth serum gave her a massive pair of melons!" snapped Joker.

"Growth…serum…what?" stammered Ivy. "I didn't give her any melons..."

"Harley said you invented something to inject men with to make 'em bigger, and she was stupid enough to inject her boobs with it!" snapped Joker. "And now she's got this huge rack as a Valentine's Day surprise for me!"

"Oh, Harley!" sighed Ivy, facepalming. "You're right – she clearly shouldn't drink because she does stupid things when she does. But I don't really understand why you're here complaining about this, J. I warned her not to change her body to please you, but now that she's done it, you'd think you'd be happy."

"No, I am not happy that you subjected my girlfriend to your creepy experiments to get back at men!" snapped Joker. "And knowing you, you've put some horrible side effect in this serum to punish men for that time a guy dumped you! What's gonna happen to her boobs? Are they gonna sprout leaves? Are they gonna explode?"

"No, there are no side effects," replied Ivy.

"That you know of!" snapped Joker. "And do you honestly expect me to believe that? You actually made something to help a guy out by increasing his size without some horrible side effect to punish him?"

"It was intended to give him and me mutual pleasure," retorted Ivy. "So no, I didn't think I'd need to punish him. I mean, if he wasn't satisfactory, I'd feed him to my plants, but there was nothing in the serum to punish him. That would be a little messed up, even for me."

"I don't think it would be!" snapped Joker. "I think it would be pretty in character, actually! Anyway, even if you claim nothing's gonna happen, I'd rather be safe than sorry since I don't trust you to have thoroughly tested your little invention. I want you to get whatever antidote you have and come with me to fix Harley right now!"

"I don't have an antidote," retorted Ivy. "Why would I have needed one? It's not like the guy would want to be changed back…"

"Then you better make one now!" interrupted Joker. "I am not going to look at Harley every day knowing that you are responsible for the most attractive thing about her! Plus I could never enjoy them knowing that in the back of my mind I'd always have to be grateful to you for giving 'em to me!"

"I would think you'd appreciate the irony," retorted Ivy. "Anyway, don't blame me for this. I may have created this serum, but you're responsible for this by making Harley feel bad about her small breasts all these years."

"I have never done that!" snapped Joker. "I have made jokes about their size, but I make jokes about everything! Particularly things I like! She should know that about me! I blame the media and its unrealistic body expectations of women which it exposes girls to from a young age."

"You…what?" stammered Ivy, stunned.

"Oh come on, look in the papers and magazines!" snapped Joker. "Look in all those comics they write about us! The women are always dressed in revealing, gravity-defying clothing and physics-defying bodies with massive breasts and tiny waists and shapely asses! I can point to dozens of issues where they've drawn Harley with these huge melons that would completely incapacitate her from doing any kind of actual gymnastics, but the artists are pandering to a mostly male audience who have certain expectations about attractive women! And women then feel the need to conform to these expectations, however unrealistic they are! Harley's a small woman with smaller features, but that doesn't make her any less attractive, and I thought she was smart enough to know that, but apparently these kinds of subconscious signals can affect even the most intelligent people, which shows how insidious they actually are. It certainly illustrates the need for more diverse beauty standards in both art and life, but good luck changing millions of years of evolution. That's a pipe dream that's never gonna come true, so you should just give up trying to change things, accept that everything is messed up, and enjoy that fact."

"Oh God, I was with you up until that last part," sighed Ivy in relief. "Thank goodness – I thought for a moment we'd agree on something and then the world would end."

"Well, I think we do agree on getting Harley back to the way she was ASAP," retorted Joker. "So get on making a cure for this. I'm heading back home to make sure this doesn't get out, not that it should. Harley's basically incapacitated at the moment."

"I'll get her one of my bras and outfits to borrow while she's stuck like that, so maybe she can actually move around," said Ivy, heading into her room. "I know she's probably shocked by how much her boobs weigh, and how much they strain your back. I don't think small women or men really appreciate that."

"I guess we all have our cross to bear," retorted Joker. "You think finding comfortable underwear is a picnic for me, with my massive…"

"Nope, shut up," interrupted Ivy. "I heard all about that from Harley yesterday, and I choose not to believe it."

"Well, you can see it if you want," said Joker, reaching for his pants.

"Nope," interrupted Ivy again, throwing her clothes at him. "Just go now so I can focus on my work. I'll be over as soon as I've got something, and tested it properly. God knows we don't want the cure having a more horrible side effect than the disease."

"No, we don't," agreed Joker, heading for the door. "But with any luck, things will be back to normal very soon without anymore fuss."

Spoiler alert: they wouldn't.