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Kaname's sin
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As usual , Night has fallen sooner than Zero would have preferred , making the room feel even more ominous , if that was possible .
Bathed in the dark , it offered nothing but a generous amount of eerie silence and dementia to its occupant who , left with nothing but his thoughts for company , lied on bed and remained like that for a while until the blank ceiling hypnotized and beckoned him , leaving ruins in its wake .
He started wondering , doubts and questions running rampant in his head .
What if none of it has been real ?
What if he was truly imagining it ?
Maybe .. Maybe Kaname was nothing but a figment of his imagination , something his mind has conjured up for some unknown reason .
Did he really belong there ?
Could Ichiru have been right ?
The shock of such a possibility had him jolting up from bed , head shaking as he started pacing back and forth , looking pitifully traumatized , only snapping out of it when lightning struck the skies , followed by a horrifying rumble . A gasp left his mouth before he gazed through the single hung window , the design and size of which made it so patients could never escape .
How depressing . He thought to himself before stepping closer to the window , watching it rain outside with an empty look on his face .
Lost in his own world , he stood there until his legs hurt , but even that didn't seem to deter him.
When the cold began seeping into his bones however , he couldn't help shivering and moving backwards , seeking the comfort of his bed , as foreign as it sounded to his ears .
No matter how long he stayed there , that wasn't his bed , and neither was the room . No amount of getting used to it could change that .
He wanted nothing than to go back home . Alas , that didn't seem like it was going to happen any time any soon . The longer he stayed in that place , the more he lost hope .
He was going to spend the rest of his life locked up in a mental institution , wasn't he ?
A rhetorical question at its finest .
He could only scoff at that , the bitter edge to it and everything he did not lost on him .
His new life consisted of a steady pattern - sleeping , eating , and conversing once with the same doctor about the same topic -.
At first , he was positive nothing about this whole situation could break him but the short time he spent here proved otherwise . He was slowly but surely becoming a shell of his past self , empty , abandoned , and misunderstood .
Not even the thought of playing music could cheer him up now . It only made him wonder what would be said to his students about his abrupt disappearance . Would anyone miss him ? Probably not . He wasn't a social butterfly , the exact opposite actually . Still , some people liked his company , a select few yes but that wasn't the point . They existed and that's what mattered .
Did ichiru consider that ? Did he have a speech prepared in case anyone were to ask ? If so , what would it be ? Definitely not the truth , right ? Ichiru had questionable morals more often than not but surely , having people recognize him as the twin of a demented musical teacher wouldn't please him .. Right ?
Silver eyebrows knitted in conflict at that , anxiety seeping deep into the owner of which as he tried to make the most preferable outcome more likely but even that he couldn't be sure of .
Well , it mattered not .. There was nothing he could do about it after all . Whatever Ichiru chose to say should anyone ask him about Zero's whereabouts changed pretty much nothing . He loathed to admit it but his hands were tied and tragically , till the last breath as it seemed .
Misery cloaked his entire being , he knew that already , like a song he'd learned and known by heart . However , a part of him found beauty in his tragedy. And it's in that moment that he started recalling how alive he'd felt as he pressed the pads of his fingers on the keys of black and white , strings of history .
But all beautiful moments come to an end and he , a lone musical teacher trapped in a mental institution , was no exception .
Reality struck him in the face with a faint hunger crawling its way to his mind , clamoring a cry of help , a plea to be saved.
His hand unconsciously lowered and settled on the source , his stomach .
If his memory served him right , he'd kept a tangerine on the bedside table .
A glance to the side confirmed that .
It took him a few seconds to reach the fruit , grab and draw it close to his heart as if it could heal all of his pain , as if it could fix his problems . But truth is , it could only sate his hunger , for a span of time as short as he'd hoped his life would be if it meant living like that , in such a place .
How lucky , ha .. He mocked himself internally , feeling a weakened smile that he' become accustomed to etch itself on his face at that .
He then stared at a blank spot for so long , ignoring his need to be fed , until his mind wandered back to a recent memory , one that affected him so much it loosened his hold on the fruit that soon fell on the blanket , rolled off the bed , and finally dropped to the floor where it resumed trundling before coming to a stop at long last .
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Zero lurched forward , the seat belt straining against his body when Ichiru pulled over all of a sudden .
"The hell , Ichiru ?" He'd cursed , head turning to glare at his twin whose response came seconds later , confusing Zero with it so much that he'd forgotten all about the sudden move earlier .
" Onii-san . I'm sorry but we aren't going shopping . " Ichiru stared ahead as he said those words , an apology hidden within another . Still , Zero suspected nothing yet .
" What ? what are you talking about it ? If we aren't going shopping then where exactly are we going ? we ran out of almost everything , you know . " He'd asked , growing uneasy with the tone Ichiru had spoken in but still making an attempt to converse with him as if it hadn't been there .
After a moment of silence dragged another , Ichiru took a deep breath and replied
" The only place that could make you feel better . You need it , Zero , the kind of help I cannot offer , even if I wished to . "
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Like an idiot , Zero had thought Ichiru meant a therapeutic place with a beautiful scenery , where nature could help him feel relaxed .
Alas , Ichiru had not meant it that way , something Zero realized a little bit too late.
A thud echoed about , the only signal of something being tossed away harshly.
Feeling livid all at once instead of having it build up slowly , he'd snapped , chest heaving and eyes widening for a moment before going back to normal , fixated on the pillow at the far end of the room , the very one he'd just chucked in a bout of anger .
Liar . Traitor.
Ichiru , his twin , his flesh and blood , had lied to and betrayed him .
Choosing that moment to erupt once more , Lightning struck again , startling him to the point of assuming a curled up position , blanket wrapped around him from head to toe and yet it wasn't enough to soothe the ache growing steadily in his heart .
Crestfallen , Zero hugged his knees to his chest and told himself not to cry .
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VK
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The next time he opened his eyes , not knowing when he'd closed them , Zero concluded he must have dozed off , a very likely outcome considering how exhausted he'd felt in every meaning the term held .
Better get used to it though …
Letting out a heavy sigh ,he curled his fingers around the blanket , submerging his head as well soon after .
He no longer wanted to get out of bed. Short or long an amount of time it had been ,he cared not . Because even if it was just a few days or weeks , it felt like an eternity . And he couldn't handle spending a lifetime like that . He'd rather stay cocooned in bed till death pitied him and came faster .
His nose twitched at the thought , forcing a sniff and swaying the door open to yet another avalanche . The tears burned against his cheeks and left him scalded , heart bleeding and head throbbing . He had to stop . He needed to . He knew it . But there was nothing else he could do aside from thinking . He had naught to busy himself with .
It was only after so much damage had been done that he regained his composure and finally managed to stop the onslaught of misery raining down his face .
Still burns though .. dried or not ..
Eyelashes stuck together , He could barely make out his surroundings but it was obvious that the sun had yet to rise .
Darkness persisted .
He blinked and furrowed his eyebrows when a shadow emerged next to the window .
Were his eyes playing tricks on him ?
Slow and fearful , he gripped the cover tightly and sat upright , eyes darting all over the dim form that has just appeared out of nowhere , trying to see if it was real or not .
Violets enlarged at the sight before them .
" No .. " Zero whispered with a shake of head , once , twice , a blink and many seconds of taking in what was in front of him , or should he say who .
His heartbeat raced before a shout of denial left his mouth " NO ! NO ! . ! It's all in my head . "
" Zer- "
"NO !" Another shout , even more anxious and fearful than the first one . He wasn't aware of it but he was still faintly shaking his head , distrusting his own eyes , chest heaving and body clinging to the headboard , staying alert , finding comfort in the quietness that followed . It was almost as if he hadn't just raised his voice . After all , too much stillness has reigned the room , making any sign of life sound foreign in it .
And so remained the silence until Zero broke it with a shaky plea , one that spoke volumes of desperation , helplessness , and fatigue "Please , just go away . "
Kaname was kind enough to wait , letting him have a moment to regulate his breathing and feel safe enough to allow him close .
When he deemed it okay to move , Kaname took a step forward , slow and calm in his approach .
" Zero , People cannot see me but that doesn't mean I don't exist . "
By the end of his words , he'd already reached the bed and sat on it , making sure to keep a few inches away from
Zero who could only tilt his head in question .
" Then why the hell can I ?" Low as it was , his tone made it obvious he was beyond lost and needed answers , answers that were long due .
Kaname said nothing at first , only roaming his eyes all over the younger's features , making a pair of amethysts his final destination before he let out a puff of air and responded honestly .
" That I don't know . I can only tell you why I was condemned to this . "
Zero kept his mouth shut , eyes leaving Kaname's for a while , as if he contemplated whether it was okay to believe him or not .
Kaname understood what hesitance meant and took it as a good sign , wasting no time to come clean " I did something forbidden and such was my deserved punishment by the almighty himself . I suppose I wasn't worth telling though . After the night I sinned , people ignored me , or so I thought until realization hit me . There was no other explanation . He saw it a fit sentence . "
A tug that couldn't be a smile , in Zero's opinion , shaped Kaname's lips at the memory . A smile couldn't be that painful and broken , full of surrender and self-blame . At least , that's what Zero knew . He couldn't imagine what sin could make anyone deserving of such a punishment .
Without meaning to , his voice and gaze softened . " Why ? "
And Kaname saw the change rather than heard it . He felt it actually and oh it did pull at his heart strings , finally having someone relate to his pain and sympathize with it.
A part of him felt grateful . But he knew what he'd done and it couldn't give him such a privilege .
" I committed the most unforgivable sin of them all in my society , my race .. I turned a little girl on the verge of death into one of my kind . "
His voice a mere whisper that Zero barely heard , relying more on mouth reading , Kaname began losing himself a little too much into the past , getting defensive and emotional despite knowing it didn't change the fact he sinned , regardless of the reason behind it .
" I just couldn't stand letting her die so young and in such a manner , no less . "
He looked up ashamed to meet the gaze of him , the only person who acknowledged his existence after so much time , expecting to see disgust and accusation . But the only thing he saw in those eyes was a pain he thought nobody else felt .
Zero's eyes filled with tears and compassion that it nearly tore Kaname's heart apart .
It has been so long since he last shared his grief with anyone .
" Though maybe I ended up granting her a curse in disguise ."
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14 Feb , 2018
A/N :
I'm so terribly sorry for the long ( understatement ) wait .
As you might remember , I had planned to update this way earlier but life got in the way more than once .
I got sick , everyday life happened and then a tough year end / new year loss hurt me real hard .
If you have read my recent story " Ten weeks " you should understand what I mean .
I'm fine now though , gratefully , and planning to be active here . Hopefully , nothing gets in the way this time .
I have promised an extra but it's turning out to be longer than one extra chapter so please excuse that .
At least you got a semi-long read to make up for the wait until I complete the fic for real with the next installment .
Anyhow , I hope you guys enjoy this . I'm looking forward to hear from you .
XoXo Zerovk
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