"I honestly can't decide what I hate most about Valentine's Day," said Jonathan Crane, as he walked down Grand Avenue with his friend and roommate Jervis Tetch. "I don't know if it's the sugary, idealized version of romance on display in every shop window, the constant advertisements reminding you that you should have a partner who you should be spending vast amounts of money on to show you care, or the happy couples everywhere exuding the subtle insinuation that if you're alone, you're worthless, and will die that way."
"Well, we're not quite alone – we have each other, after all," said Tetch. "And a friend may not technically be a Valentine, but I think it's no bad thing to have. And I told you, you didn't have to come along on these errands. I need to get my oysters from the fishmonger to make my oyster bisque for dinner, but you could have stayed at home and avoided the whole Valentine's Day ethos."
"First of all, I've told you to stop calling the fish counter at the supermarket a fishmonger," retorted Crane. "That gives it a kind of dignity it doesn't deserve. Second of all, I doubt there will be any oysters for sale this late on Valentine's Day – they're an aphrodisiac, you know, and they've probably all been bought out by happy couples to get them in the mood for tonight's…activities. And third of all, I need to scope out which particularly nauseating location I'm going to fear gas tonight. Though I would actually be doing the world a favor if I just fear gassed all of them. I mean, look at that! Look at the size of that teddy bear! Nobody needs that!"
"I bet Harley would like it," said Tetch, lightly.
"I bet Harley won't get it, either," retorted Crane. "Assuming her useless boyfriend even remembers what day it is, which I'm not counting on. That poor woman really deserves better."
"Yes, so you've said," sighed Tetch. "Many, many times. Look, why don't you just wait outside and I'll go into the store to get the groceries? You might see some bouquets or chocolates in there that will set you off again."
"Oh yes, very well," sighed Crane. "Off you go then."
He waited on the corner outside the store, noticing a restaurant opposite which was strewn with hearts hanging from the ceiling, and doe-eyed couples gazing at each other in adoration. "Yes, a very likely candidate," he said to himself, nodding thoughtfully.
"Extra! Extra! Read all about it!" shouted the newsboy, who had just received copies of the evening edition. "Joker caught cheating on girlfriend Harley Quinn in Valentine's Day tryst – photos inside!"
"What?" demanded Crane, rounding on him. "Let me see that!"
"It's fifty cents," retorted the boy.
"I don't have fifty cents, but do you know who I am?" demanded Crane.
"Broke, if you don't have fifty cents," retorted the boy.
"Yes, very clever, aren't you droll?" sneered Crane. "Just give me that!" he said, snatching it out of his hands.
"Hey, I'm getting a cop!" shouted the boy, racing off.
"Yes, go do that," muttered Crane, opening the paper. "Oh my God, that shameful cad!" he hissed, seeing the picture of the Joker embracing a woman who didn't appear to be Harley. Her face was hidden by her hair, and Joker's hands, but her body type was all wrong for Harley. "The poor child is going to be absolutely distraught – how could the monster do this to her?"
He folded the paper shut. "Well, maybe this is just the wake-up call she needs. Maybe she'll finally see the creature's true colors, and leave him at last to find someone better, which she deserves. It could be the best thing that ever happened to her in the long run. And perhaps the best thing that could ever happen to me."
He brightened considerably. "I wonder if she's seen this yet. No reason to spare her from the truth any longer than necessary – I'll be doing her a favor bringing this to her attention as quickly as possible. The sooner it's broken to her, the sooner she'll recover. Jervis!" he said, entering the grocery store. "Come on – we need to go over to Joker and Harley's right now."
"No, the last thing we need to do is interrupt the clowns on Valentine's Day," retorted Tetch. "At least until I perfect that memory erasing machine. I just don't need to see what they get up to – it's probably very disturbing."
"Harley needs to see this right now," said Crane, holding out the paper to him. "She shouldn't waste another moment of her life with a man who thinks so little of her feelings that he can cheat on her."
"Oh my goodness…I don't believe it!" gasped Tetch, taking the paper from him.
"What don't you believe?" demanded Crane. "That the Joker, a serial liar and abuser, is also a cheater?"
"Well, yes," said Tetch, nodding. "He is both those things, but he's never shown any interest in other women before. And rarely even in Harley. I think it's a little surprising, and largely out of character."
"There's photographic evidence – don't you trust your own eyes?" demanded Crane.
"I do trust my eyes, but photographs can be easily doctored in this day and age," said Tetch. "I wouldn't pay it any mind, Jonathan, and I certainly wouldn't go tell Harley about it."
"Jervis, this isn't some unreliable tabloid that makes up fake news!" snapped Crane. "This is the Gotham Gazette, the premiere newspaper of Gotham City and recipient of several Pulitzers!"
"Oh, all newspapers are the same," retorted Tetch. "All hoping to profit by sensationalizing everything, or making things up when it's a slow news day. It's all very well to not engage with reality, but not when you're responsible for informing others about reality - that's just shockingly irresponsible. Anyway, any so-called newspaper that would print celebrity gossip like that clearly has no sense of journalistic integrity. You go over to Joker and Harley's if you want, but don't say I didn't warn you."
"Fine," said Crane. "But I'm getting Harley that giant teddy bear – she'll need something to console herself with after her reality is completely shattered."
"Fine," sighed Tetch. "If it'll make you feel better, go and get it and we'll check out."
Crane obeyed, heading over to pick up the teddy bear which was almost as tall as he was, and then rejoining Tetch in line. "I think it's really sweet that you two can just forgive each other after a little fight by buying a bear," said the woman behind them. "That's the real spirit of Valentine's Day."
"We're not a couple!" snapped Crane.
"Of course," said the woman, nodding. "That teddy bear is for a woman named Harley. Gotcha," she said, winking.
"Jonathan, don't…" began Tetch, noticing the murderous look in his friend's eyes. "Let's just leave here without causing a fuss…"
"The police are already on their way because I stole the newspaper – just take the groceries and go!" snapped Crane, readying the fear toxin on his glove. "Happy Valentine's Day to all, and to all a good fright!"
"I really can't take him anywhere," muttered Tetch, as he hurried with the stolen groceries from the store, which instantly filled up with fear gas.