Chapter 10: Sick

"If I'm not breathing, resuscitate my soul
Bring on the shame, bring on the pain
Yeah, I know that I'm sick, give me some more
I say yeah, we are the ill and the deranged
Yeah, I know that I'm sick, give me some more"

-Sixx:Am "I'm Sick"

Inuyasha was leaning over the kitchen island, watching as Kagome struggled to get a large photo completely straight on the wall, unable to look away as she stood on her tip toes on top of the dining chair she'd grabbed. The edges of her fingertips were barely grazing the left corner of the frame, nudging it into place tap by tap with her left hand.

She was so cute when she was frustrated, the picture in front of him so domestic that he just wanted to lose himself in the hum drum of it all. Inuyasha could spend hours in these moments, the delicate flush of contentment a warm hug for his weary soul. Being with Kagome was the most relaxed he'd been in years, a kind of relief he hadn't known he'd needed.

He was supposed to be unpacking the kitchen things they'd just brought back from the home goods store, boxes and boxes of plates and cups and cookware he'd just lugged up the three flights of stairs littering the floor around him. He'd volunteered himself for the task, knowing Kagome was excited to put up some of the decorative pieces she'd picked out.

He had ordered some groceries for her while she'd been changing, something he was sure he would be reprimanded for, but he wanted to help somehow, hoping to make something to eat. The amount of money she was having to spend wasn't easily overlooked, and she always managed to pay for something before he could sneak around and do it for her.

Inuyasha himself had lugged all the little trinkets and large wall hangings up from his car for her, he knew Kagome would be busy putting them up for a while. It was a distraction he hoped would give him the time to get the kitchen squared away so he could prepare dinner for the two of them. He'd been wanting to cook something for her since they'd first talked about Italy, her desire to have a dish from a restaurant that had closed long ago his motivation. It would be nice, he reasoned, to surprise her again so soon, and he knew the place she was talking about, knew the meal she was craving.

He quite liked surprising her, the way her eyes had lit up at first seeing him days ago still playing over and over in his mind, the wide smile she'd displayed only overpowered by the happiness he'd been unable to overlook in her scent. Inuyasha wanted to see it again, wanted to selfishly be the center of her joy once more.

But she was just too distracting for him to get his task completed. She'd ditched her casual jeans and button down for an even more casual pair of athletic shorts and a t shirt that he'd only just realized was one she must have pilfered from his dresser.

He briefly wondered if she even knew it was his, but he knew she wouldn't have taken it if she did. Daichi had taken the top two drawers of his dresser while he'd been out of the country, and she probably just assumed all of it was the pup's.

It swallowed her whole, the v neck of the shirt falling off one of her shoulders as she contorted her body to reach the frame. But she looked good in it, the edge of his shirt just coming to bottom of her athletic shorts, the defined curve of her hamstring catching his eye as she utilized all the strength in her legs to hold herself up as high as she could manage.

Inuyasha almost groaned in frustration as she finally got it where she wanted it, but he restrained himself.

It'd been a hard few days since he landed in Japan, but he was happy, probably happier than he'd been in…decades, centuries maybe. It was hard for obvious reasons, Inuyasha still having to battle a physical attraction to the young woman, still having doubts about his interactions with her. Did she even want him in her life? Did she even care if he was there or not? Hadn't he been the one to initiate contact? He didn't want to force this on her, didn't want to hold her captive at his side.

But Kagome, it seemed, was always astounding Inuyasha. She'd continued to reach out to him after he'd done the walk through on her apartment with her, continued to seek his advice and opinions on her insurance and utilities, invited him to go furniture shopping with her, asking if he would want to help her get the place put together. Kagome, to his relief, didn't seem to be pushing him away at all, instead inviting him into her day to day life like Inuyasha belonged there.

He liked to think he did, but that was selfish of him.

"Yash," her voice drew him out of his thoughts, her brown eyes trained on his face, "were you just staring at me?"

"Yes." He was unashamed, didn't even blink as he said it, the word spewing from his mouth before he'd even realized it. Why hide the truth from her? Where was the sense in it? He wanted Kagome to know everything about him, didn't want to hide a thought from her at all.

"See something you like?" It was playful, her eyes mischievous as she winked in his direction before grabbing the large abstract painting she'd picked out for the dining room, moving the chair to where he'd placed the hook for her earlier.

"A couple of things, actually. That shirt for starters. Looks awfully familiar." Inuyasha forced himself to start moving again, turning back around to load the sink up with the plates, planning to wash and dry them before putting them away in the cabinets.

"It's Daichi's, I think." Kagome sounded distracted, and a quick glance over his shoulder revealed she was going through the same process she'd just finished once again, the painting she'd just hung dropping lower on the left than the right.

"Funny, I could have sworn I left one just like it in the dresser in the master bedroom." Inuyasha didn't need his sharp ears to know she stopped dead, the sound of her tapping the painting into place stopping abruptly.

"Third drawer?"

Inuyasha leaned back over the kitchen island to meet her brown doe eyes.

"I believe so." He'd shrugged as he said it, trying to appear like he was unbothered by her in his clothing.

His scent still clung to it, but only barely. It was easily missed at first, the garment having been washed several times since he'd last warn it. He'd have to be…well, human, to not have a bit of a reaction to the thought of such a beauty swathed in his unique scent. Still, he brushed it off, having adjusted to dealing with that particular aspect of seeing Kagome every day. It never got old, he realized, never got easier. He just got used to it.

"Oh, well, I probably have a few more of your shirts, then." Kagome looked a little sheepish. "If I had known I wouldn't have taken them hostage, but they're so soft. Where did you get these?"

Kagome turned back to what she was doing, getting the painting into place in one slight shift, hopping off the chair and returning it to its proper place at the table.

He'd watched as Kagome made her way into the kitchen, moving to grab a box of cookware to help him, a little embarrassment laced in her scent. It was only compounded when, instead of grabbing the cookware box, she almost fell over it, Inuyasha's arms darting out to catch her quickly, pulling her against him to steady her body.

A beat passed before he spoke again, trying to not laugh as he did so.

"You're right," he began playfully, running his hands down her back, "they are soft. I think I might want them back. Here," he jokingly tugged at the hem, "let me help you out of this."

Kagome playfully swatted his hands away, but he kept a loose grip on her as a faux cross look made its way onto her face.

"Your little jokes translate differently in person, you know." She was pouty, and he just couldn't help but laugh a little at her expression.

"Oh? How's that?" He'd raised one of his eyebrows at her, his hands resting comfortably on her hips, neither one of them moving to pull away.

"I'll tell you when I figure it out." Inuyasha couldn't help but give a full laugh at Kagome's disgruntled words, suddenly wondering if this is what it'd been like for her and Daichi when they'd still been in school. He couldn't picture Daichi touching Kagome, couldn't see her being this playful with him, but then again, they'd danced that night in the apartment, hadn't they?

It was different, he decided, because Daichi wasn't attracted to Kagome and Kagome wasn't attracted to Daichi.

Maybe, he was just a little jealous of his nephew, who could easily touch and toy with Kagome without the repercussions Inuyasha himself would face for the same actions. Okay, yes, he was definitely jealous of his nephew. Kagome was funny, and witty, just as Daichi had said and something he'd already known himself. But now, as he was faced with the full depth of her attention, he wished he could have more of it.

She always welcomed his touches, just as she did now, didn't seem to be upset when he'd pull her in for a hug several times a day, didn't flinch when he'd be unable to stop himself from wrapping his arms around her from behind, his chin resting on her shoulder. It wasn't something he'd anticipated, how they would physically interact with each other after months of having conversation after conversation, their friendship having deepened to a level he'd been unable to predict when he'd first seen her on Valentine's Day. He'd almost expected that it would awkward, that both of them would apologize every time they so much as brushed hands.

But it wasn't like that. Kagome would securely wrap her arms around one of his own when they were crowded areas, one hand resting on his bicep and the other tightly gripping his forearm. It was hard for him to let her go. Hard for him to not draw her into his lap and inhale her scent while they watched a movie at the end of the day, having to instead settle for looping an arm around the back of the couch loosely and hoping she'd lean into him on her own accord.

She always did, her head sleepily resting on his chest by the time they'd finished whatever they'd put on, his arm having come down on its own accord to wrap around her securely, holding her to him. It was magic, having her so close to him, a drug he didn't want to even consider having to give up, one he wanted to take a bigger hit of every time he inhaled it.

He shook himself out of it.

Now wasn't the time for these emotions, but he knew he was nearing the end of his grace period. Inuyasha needed to tell Kagome everything that had lead up to him returning almost a full month early, needed to fill her in on the things they never talked about.

It was that guilt from before that only strengthened his resolve, realizing now that he felt guilty because Kagome didn't know why he couldn't give her what he was starting to fear he wanted to. She needed to know about Sophie, he decided, because Kagome would always stop him from hurting himself, and he needed her help to fight this.

Every breathe she took, every smile she sent his way was just knotting his stomach and he needed her. If his control ever slipped, if his demon ever took over, there was no telling what would happen.

Well, there was some idea what he'd do, but he couldn't bring himself to even think it.

"I can finish up in here, Kagome, why don't you go put up the stuff you got for the bedrooms?" Inuyasha moved his arms to loosely wrap around her lower back instead of just holding her hips, and Kagome leaned into him for a chaste hug.

"M'kay. But if you break anything, I can't promise I won't throw you out." Kagome pulled back him and tweaked one of his exposed triangular ears, her home having been equipped with the same safety features his was having allowed him to drop the mask as soon as they were done bringing everything up.

He'd only told her after she signed the lease that it was the main reason why he'd like the place for her, because it meant they'd always have a safe place away from Daichi when he returned home to talk freely.

He also liked the way her heart sped up momentarily every time he slipped the little fang cuff off his ear, liked the way she'd absent mindedly stare at him from time to time with it off.

"If I break it, I'll replace it, scout's honor." He mock saluted her as she retreated from the room before resuming his work, realizing he only had about 30 minutes before the groceries would be there. It forced him to load the dishwasher with everything he could, knowing it'd take him around an hour and a half to cook what he'd planned for dinner.

He just hoped she liked it, hoped it was enough to smooth over the conversation that would come after.

Kagome was proud of herself.

The apartment had come together almost seamlessly, Inuyasha's help unparalleled when it came to moving the furniture around and getting all of her decorative accents up to her unit. It would have taken her hours to do what had taken him barely half an hour, the half demon even having time to inquire about where she wanted to hang certain items and hammered in what she needed to do so.

Kagome had been working diligently for the better part of an hour and half before she felt she'd done all she could. The apartment was a good as it was going to get, and she was sweating profusely from the effort she'd put into getting her photo wall completed in the hallway, so she treated herself to quick shower and changed into a tank top and another pair of running shorts to combat the heat.

Her building was a newly renovated, but old. It used to be luxury apartments, it seemed, so she had tall ceilings and large windows. She had a real fireplace in her living room from the most recent renovation, which conveniently backed up to her bedroom. She was able to use that instead of the central heat, which was necessary on the cold November day, but became a little too warm with the excessive movement she'd been doing. When she cooled down, she could just grab a sweater and a pair of sweat pants, no biggie.

Kagome emerged from her bedroom with the intention of asking Inuyasha what he wanted to order for dinner, having heard him still moving around in her open kitchen, but found the words dying on her lips as soon as she saw him.

He looked good in her kitchen, she decided, looked good with his hair pulled back into a low ponytail, a plain black apron she'd picked up adorning his body. He'd throw a kitchen towel over his shoulder, and seemed unaware of her presence, jazz music playing at a moderate level in the area probably having blocked her footsteps.

Kagome leaned against the hallway entrance, contented to just watch him move about. He must have ordered groceries, she realized, because he was cooking something, and she didn't have any food in her apartment. She should have been mad, but when she caught site of the stripe of flour along his left forearm, she couldn't help but let it fly out of the window.

Did he know how attractive he was? Cooking her dinner in her kitchen, something so sexy about a man who knew his way around a stove drawing her in. Briefly, she realized if he knew how to play guitar she'd be screwed because he would effectively be the perfect dreamboat. She could just picture the way his forearm muscles would ripple as he played, and Kagome had to force herself to concentrate on something else entirely different.

Having him home was everything that she hadn't expected, the rush of excitement replaced by trepidation. Kagome hadn't had time to focus on her emotions as she got know him deeper because she was so busy with work, but now she found herself wondering what she felt for Inuyasha, the man in her kitchen, versus Inuyasha, the young half demon she'd loved.

She still loved him, she decided, but it was different. He was so handsome, he was always so handsome, but the way he'd matured had somehow put him right into the category of 'Kagome's Type,' checking all the proverbial boxes she looked for. It was impossible for her to not want him, in a way, her mind wandering to less than appropriate thoughts.

But she wasn't that girl, had never been 'that girl' despite the rumors. She'd only ever slept with people she'd dated, even at that party so long ago, he'd been her high school boyfriend.

Kagome loved Inuyasha. That was the only thing she could bank on everyday of her life. But now, instead of wanting to fall in love with him and get married and have his children, as she had when she was younger, she just wanted his comfort, his familiarity. She would be content to fall asleep next to him every night, happy to wake up to him every morning and that be the extent of it. Kagome wanted to go grocery shopping with him, wanted to hear about his day, but Kagome didn't want to fall in love.

She wished she could, wished she could just fall into a life with him, a forever with him, but even though he was Inuyasha and she was Kagome, it wasn't in the cards for them. Not as they were.

There was just so much to cover, so much time to account for with each other, it didn't feel right yet. It would be inauthentic to herself to just blindly fall into his arms and pretend she hadn't been irreversibly broken from the well closing, unable to give away the aching pieces of her heart again.

Kagome was mostly convinced she would never fall in love with anyone, a larger part of her fractured beyond repair by the life she was certain she was meant to live, her heart still latched onto the little boy of her dreams.

It'd been a year since she'd been in a relationship, a year since she'd known the touch a man could give, but she found herself suddenly just content with what the warm embraces and cuddles she got from Inuyasha. She needed that physical closeness more than she needed a physical release, though her body was dying for both.

It would get easier to manage, she supposed, as she got used to it.

"See something you like?" Her words from earlier repeated back to her in his baritone sent an almost imperceptible shiver down her spine, his golden eyes flashing over his shoulder only briefly before turning back to what he was doing.

Kagome loved Inuyasha, Kagome wanted Inuyasha, but she wasn't free to pursue either of them more deeply.

"A couple of things, actually." She echoed his words, a smile crossing her features as she pulled her body off the wall and made the short trek to the kitchen.

Inuyasha was standing with his back to her then, stirring something on the stove, so she cautiously rested her hands on the middle of his back, standing on her tip toes to peer around his shoulder and see what he was making, using her grip on his body as leverage, but unable to stand tall enough to see over the much taller man, resorting to resting her head gently in between the bottom of his shoulder blades as she came off of her tip toes.

"That smells yummy, what is it?" Inuyasha turned down one of the burners, the sauce he'd just been stirring bubbling gently as he placed the lid on it. He turned around, mindful of his back on the burners, locking her hands in his grip

"I'll tell you what it is when we sit down. Why don't you set the table? There's wine in the fridge, too. It should be cold by now." Kagome thought about pouting, but smiled instead, squeezing his hands gently in askance of freedom, moving to do what he'd suggested.

Until she opened the fridge and realized just how much he'd gotten in groceries, the name on the four bottles of wine catching her eye. They were easily $30 a piece, a winery he'd praised over the phone countless times that she'd never bothered trying for obvious reasons.

Cheap wine drinks just as well as expensive wine, in her opinion.

"Inuyasha, just how much did you spend on this?" She turned her head towards him, watching as he pretended to not notice the slight bite of her tone, her usage of his full name indicative that he was, in fact, in a little bit of trouble.

"Less than you spent at 'HomeAway,' for starters." Kagome rolled her eyes, but grabbed the first bottle nonetheless, closing the fridge behind her and opening the fridge sized cabinet they'd agreed on being best for the pantry.

She was met with nothing but rows and rows of her most preferred dry goods, things that she would most likely use long before they were due to go bad. But, beyond that were his favorites as well, pantry starters like flour, sugar, cornstarch and baking powder joining their ranks. She caught the sparkle of at least four more bottles of the same wine that he'd placed in her fridge in the little wine rack at the bottom of the tall cupboard, some of her preferred brands intermingling with the ones he'd talked about before.

"Inuyasha! It's this kind of behavior that made me so adamant to get my own apartment in the first place! I don't need you to spend this kind of money on me. This is easily, what, $400 worth of food? Why do I even need this much of your favorite wine?" Kagome shut the cupboard and automatically reached for the cabinet that held the wine glasses, subconsciously grabbing the corkscrew from where it rested beside them.

Inuyasha stopped what he was doing and raised an eyebrow at her.

"I'll take it all home with me if you're that against it, Kagome. But your kitchen is much nicer than mine, don't you think? Is it too forward of me to think that you and I will be spending a fair amount of evenings eating here?"

He paused for only a second, but it was long enough for Kagome to consider what he'd said. She was uncorking the wine as she did so, pouring each of them a glass.

Her kitchen was much larger and nicer than his, the appliances having just been replaced, the cornerstone the six-burner gas stove he was currently standing in front of. He had been excited when he'd seen it, she recalled, mentioning something about how much better food cooks over gas.

Kagome could agree. She had learned to cook a good deal of her food over a fire, mostly from him of all people. It was easier to use the gas stove than the electric, the actual flame a good visual of how much heat her food was getting.

Inuyasha started speaking again while she was debating his words.

"Kagome, is it too forward of me to even assume I'll be spending evenings with you at all? I hadn't even considered."

"Kami, shut up. That's the dumbest thing I think you've said. Of course, I want to eat dinner with you as often as I can, of course I want to see you as often as I can. You have a key, don't you? That's the equivalent of me saying 'come over whenever, no notice needed.' But please, at least ask next time before you spend this kind of money on me?" Kagome dropped the glass of wine she poured for him next to the stove before moving to grab the plates they'd need for dinner. "Did you want a serving bowl, chef? Or should I just let you handle that?"

When he didn't immediately respond, Kagome craned her neck around to where the stove was, an eyebrow raised in his direction.

"Yash?" He was staring intently at her, seeming to be debating what he was going to say.

"Kagome…you're okay with me just coming and going as I please? If you were to have someone over, if you were to have a guy over…." He trailed off, but Kagome caught what he was saying and set the plates in her hand down on the counter, settling herself on her feet to face him directly.

"Who the hell do you think I am? Seriously. You're the only man I'm having over. I would let you know if I were to get involved with someone, but I can almost guarantee it will not be an issue." She moved to set the table, talking to him without looking up as she went.

"Because of me?" She didn't need to look at him to know what facial expression was written on his face, didn't need to know what was going through his head.

"You're going to ruin dinner, you know. But yes, sort of. Because I am happier with whatever this is, just as it is, than I would be if I were to become involved with someone. I know from experience." She looked up form where she'd just settled the plates, trying to remember where the hell she stashed the candles, briefly meeting his amber eyes before moving to the little cupboard in the living room to search it.

"Kagome…" His tone said it all, the reprimand there, the thinly veiled concern. She'd just set her hands on the candle sticks and their holders she'd stashed in the living room, and she brandished the long candles towards him as she spoke.

"No. No. You do not get a say in this. I will not go out and date because you think I should be. You are worth more to me than a casual roll in the sheets with someone else, okay? Take it or leave it." Every syllable was punctuated with a shake of the white candles, her fierce brown eyes staring him down.

"Are you in love with me?" He'd said it so quickly she'd almost missed it, the incredulity there, but she caught it.

"No." It was simple, it was true. She'd already moved back and set the candles on the table then, lighting them with a nearby lighter before sitting down at her chosen seat, taking a too long sip of her wine, having to ignore the slight discomfort of too much of it on her tongue.

"Are you sure?" She looked up at him as she swallowed her second sip of wine, this one more delicate than the previous.

"Yes. I'm sure. I love you, Inuyasha. But I am not in love with you. I don't know what you expect of me, but I can't do that." This wasn't where she had anticipated the evening going, but it made sense that as soon as they were done with the distractions of moving that something like this would rear its ugly head.

"I can't do that either." He'd approached the table with the larger of the pots from the stove carefully balanced on his gloved hand, spooning some onto her plate first and then his, moving back to the oven to a bread basket she hadn't noticed before, as well as two bowls of salad she hadn't seen in the fridge.

"Is this the part where we stop talking, because I would like to not do that step of whatever process we're going through, thanks." Inuyasha was dropping one of the bowls next to her, deciding not to sit across from her at the table like she thought he'd want to, pulling his place mat to the chair adjacent to hers.

He sat down while being turned towards her, much larger hands coming to grasp her own.

"Never, Kagome. I will never leave you alone in this world unless you want me to. You are in control of my involvement in your life, but however long you want me here, I am right here as fully as I can be." His eyes were searching hers for something, but she couldn't figure out what he wanted her to say.

"Well, you better pack your bags then, because there's no getting rid of me." She'd said it jokingly, but she meant it.

She'd fallen in love with him once, and she knew she would never feel that way about someone else.

She'd tried, after all, and had faced only more heartbreak.

"Being with you like this," she began again, "is safer than being with someone else the way you think I should be." Inuyasha sighed at her words, but dropped her hands, turning to his food.

"There is so much I need to tell you, Kagome. But you're right. This…this is better than the alternative, isn't it?" He looked hopefully over to her, seeming to hope she would agree.

"Obviously." She rolled her eyes before picking up the fork next to her plate. "Let's eat."

Kagome's balcony wasn't as large as Inuyasha's, but it was still comfortable. Instead of having two settees and a large coffee table like he did, she'd settled for a fitted sectional that wrapped around two sides, the one side that remained free housing a large electric water fountain that screamed relaxation. She'd hung string lights across the ceiling, the warm light a nice ambiance, opaque ivory curtains covering the top, screened in part of the long wall. The bottom half was wooden, and either side of the balcony was a full wall containing storage closets.

Currently, she'd turned the little string lights down to the lowest level of light with her remote, two empty glasses of wine resting on the little garden stool in the corner of the 'L' the sectional made.

It was colder than she had anticipated outside, the blanket she brought for herself not enough warmth. She had made to excuse herself to go change, but Inuyasha had rolled his eyes and pulled her to him, settling her back against his chest as he stretched out along the longest part of the patio sofa, legs on either side of her body and draping her blanket overtop them both.

"There," he'd said, "I'm warmer than any clothes you'll have."

He was right, a fact she remembered from before, the half demon having given her this same warmth centuries ago as they'd slept under a cold winter sky, the fire barely enough heat to keep her bare legs from getting frostbite.

Kagome liked to think that if she hadn't already had two glasses of wine with dinner and a third over dessert that she would have at least protested a little bit. But she didn't.

Instead, she settled against him instantly, almost lulled to sleep by the gurgling of the rock-based fountain Inuyasha had put together for her yesterday, his even breathing behind her and the soft touch of the back of his hand rhythmically running up and down her arm soothing.

Dinner had been delicious, Inuyasha having shown he was truly a culinary master. He'd made butternut squash ravioli in a blood orange sauce for her, and she was beside herself. It was just like the dish she'd gotten so long ago with her dad, but better, somehow, paired with the wine he'd bought and his unparalleled company. She was so contented with the gesture that she could have been done for the evening right there, but then he'd pulled out a fruit tart and Kagome had to wonder what it'd take to get him to cook for her every night.

She was almost asleep when his voice broke the silence, the rumble of it all around her even as he spoke in a level just about whisper.

"I was married, once."

Kagome didn't say anything, merely let her eyes flutter open as she waited for him to continue. His head moved to rest at the junction of her neck and her shoulder, the hand not caressing her coming up to brush her hair out of the way before resting back around her middle.

She tucked the hand that landed in her lap in between both of hers, weaving his fingers with her own, running the edges of her fingers across the tips of long nails absentmindedly. It was a silent reassurance, words unable to do what he needed in that moment.

"Her name was Sophie LeBlanc, and I met her in France. It was 1875. I…I loved her as best as I could. I thought I was in love with her, I may have been for all I know, and she loved me too. So, we got married." He exhaled a long breath against her neck, and Kagome leaned her head against his own, still unsure if it was wise for her to speak.

"There is something called mates, Kagome. It is what most of my family thinks you are for me. It's more than spouses in that you mark your mate however you can, if you're a demon, in a permanent show of your tie to each other. There is no mistaking your mate, but somehow…I convinced myself that Sophie was my mate, even though the demon part of me was adamant that she wasn't."

"How do you know she wasn't, though?" She'd said it cautiously, impartiality reigning in her tone, the words a whisper.

"Because the mark wouldn't take when I tried to give it to her, only part of it staying on her. But I thought it was enough, because part of her would always smell of me. Rin…Rin and Sesshomaru are more than just mates, they're bonded mates. It's why Rin is still alive, why she looks so young. Her soul is bound to his in a way that a normal mate mark wouldn't." His words were muffled against her shoulder, his mouth resting against her skin there.

Normally, it would have been enough to distract her completely, the intimate touch one that usually signified the beginning of something far different. But, Kagome realized the gravity of what Inuyasha was saying and her body fell in line, only concern for him written there.

"How is it different?" It was an innocent question, still spoken in the hushed tones their conversation had taken, but she felt him stiffen behind her.

"The ritual," he began after a moment, "is similar to that of the marking. It's usually done at the height of…passion. But it's different in that someone is there to use spiritual energy to bind your souls together forever." That was interesting, Kagome supposed, the idea that you could bind one's lifeforce with another's. But it also made sense, because soulmates would so often follow each other from life to life.

"Sophie…she wanted that. She wanted to be with me forever, but…if you do that…if you try to do that with someone who is not truly your mate, they die."

"Oh, Inuyasha." It was barely audible, but Kagome knew he would catch it, knew he would be able to discern the pain in the words for him.

"She didn't make it out alive, Kagome." Kagome had already gathered as much, but suddenly she was picturing what had happened.

How would she have felt if she was in the same place, if the person she loved and wanted to spend the rest of her life with just died in her arms trying to fulfill her desires.

A tear escaped down her cheek, but she ignored it in lieu of what he was saying.

"I'm so fucking sick, Kagome. I disgust myself. I know Sophie wasn't my mate, I know that. I know you very well could be, I love you so damn much that my heart aches when I think of not seeing you ever again, of not being near you. I was so certain you were it for me so long ago, more certain than I was about anything else. But I can't."

"You can't what?"

"What you said earlier, about falling in love. I can't let myself fall in love again, Kagome, even if it's you. I love you. I can't lose you like that, I refuse to…I loved Sophie, Kagome, but you…I tried to kill myself when I lost you before."

Kagome was turned around before she even realized it, her hands having dropped Inuyasha's and moved to cup his face.

"What?"

She was crying in truth now, tears spilling out without her consent, heart pounding in her chest.

No. It was the only word she could think, repeating over her mind, spilling out of her mouth.

"No, Inuyasha." She couldn't help the choked way the words came out of her mouth, her words ending in an abrupt sob.

He pulled her tightly against him, moving her legs to wrap around his waist and fixed the blanket over her shoulders swiftly. One of his hands tucked her head under his chin and started running through her hair as she cried, the other rubbing soothing circles on her back under the blanket.

"I know, Kagome. I know. I'm so sorry. You never wanted that, I know that now. I only realized it after. I know it's hard, but you need to hear this, I need you to hear this."

They sat like that for a few minutes more as Kagome regained control, her heart having splintered in guilt at the pain she'd put Inuyasha through. She'd hurt, she'd been so hurt, but she'd never been pained enough to do that.

Did she not love him as much as he loved her?

No. That wasn't true. Kagome had loved him with everything she had, but when she had come back from the well she had so much to live for, her little brother and her mother at the top of the list. They'd lost so much, she felt guilty if she ever thought about ending things.

"I'm sick Kagome," he'd said it as soon as she'd calmed down enough to hear him over her own broken breathing, "because I want you. I want you so fucking much I'm constantly having to restrain myself around you. I'm constantly battling this desire, and I know you want me too. I can smell it, I can see it, and it makes it so much fucking harder. If I were to ever touch you like that…if we were ever to…I don't know what my demon would do. I can't…kami¸ I wish you were my mate, Kagome. I wish I had that reassurance that everything would be okay if I just gave in. But I can't lose you like that. I need you like I need air.

"I'm sick, because I can't leave you alone. I wish I could say I can sit here and watch you walk away and be okay, but I won't. It's so fucking wrong. You deserve a man who can give you all his heart, who can fall in love with everything you are, because you are the most amazing thing on this planet. I know I've fucked you up, but I wish you could just fall in love with someone, I wish you could get married and have someone's children. But I'm here, distracting you, pulling you down and away from happiness."

Kagome pulled back abruptly, making eye contact with him, realizing she needed to say this now.

"Inuyasha, I was engaged. I tried that. You didn't fuck me up, he did. Three years, three whole fucking years of my life and he broke it off because of rumors. He didn't even bother to hear me out, didn't even ask me, just met me for coffee and told me it was over. It was two weeks before the wedding. And the worst part? No one believed me when I tried to correct them on the gossip, so I just gave up. Even Daichi heard it, he still thinks I was this wild party girl, but I never was. I…my first time was with this guy I dated in high school, and when he found out about my wedding, he started spreading all of these lies…"

Kagome looked down briefly, the discomfort of the conversation making her skin crawl. She never talked about this, not since it happened.

"Kagome…" His voice sounded sad, but Kagome couldn't focus on it.

"Just, listen. I'm saying…I can't do that again. I was so…there is so much about losing you, about losing everyone that I need to tell you, that I want you to know. But I tried to move on. And I don't want that. I wish I was your mate, I wish I could be her. I will always love you, Inuyasha. Always. I love you, the you who is sitting right here. I want to spend all the time I can with you, I want you to know everything about me, I want to know everything about you, but I don't think I'm ready to fall in love. I don't know if I ever will be. My heart just…it's lost too much. I think you feel the same way, right? Your heart can't take anymore, either."

Kagome ran her hands over his face softly, eyes taking in every emotion displayed there as she tried to find her words.

"If you want this, if you want whatever this is, I want it. I am here, all of me, right here for you. If I ever want anything more, I'll tell you, I won't hide how I feel from you. But right now? All I want is this, I want to spend my days doing whatever I can with you, my nights curled up just like this. If you're sick and twisted, I'm sick and twisted."

"Everyone will think we're something else, Kagome. Daichi knows, I told him before I got here. He's sure you're my mate, Tensho too. And I'm sure the rest of the family feels the same way. Agreeing to what I want, to living this life, it means enduring a lot of judgement. Can you handle that?"

"If this is what we want, what does it matter what other people think? If we are happy, if this is enough for us, who are they to judge?" Kagome leaned her forehead against Inuyasha's, suddenly just exhausted of the conversation and wishing they could go to bed, the heaviness too much to take.

"Besides," it was a whisper as she said it, "if the tension ever becomes too much to take, there's always your human nights." Kagome felt the exhale of his quiet laugh against her lips at her words.

"Don't tempt me, cheeky wench." Kagome's heart fluttered at the words, the harsh word an odd pet name spoken with absolute fondness.

It was a sweet lull that fell over them, a momentary pause, Kagome's arms wrapped loosely around Inuyasha's shoulders, his own around her back. Their foreheads were still touching, the entirety of their bodies a hair's breadth apart.

Kagome didn't know what the hell they were doing. It would make sense for them to part, she supposed, for them to not go down this road. It was precarious, the tight rope they'd be walking. This should have been their end, should have been where he pulled away from her, where they stopped talking, where they became nothing but fond memories as they lived out the rest of their lives.

But he was worth it, and he wanted her just as much as she wanted him. They were each other's weaknesses, neither of them able to give up the other.

Something changed, then, in the atmosphere, Inuyasha's body shifting minutely underneath her, his hands gripping her hips suddenly, tightly, pulling her impossibly closer to him. Kagome knew this feeling that was washing over her, the distracting tingle her body was experiencing, the air charged around them. It was the moment before everything shifted in a relationship, the turning point.

Kagome wanted Inuyasha to kiss her.

Kagome knew they shouldn't, a voice in the back of her head warning her that hugs and cuddles were one thing, but kisses were dangerous.

Another voice, a more dangerous voice, wondered what it was like to kiss him like he had in her dreams.

His breath was suddenly harsh against her mouth, the sensation causing her heat to pound loudly in her ears, her chest heaving with anticipation. Every cell in her body was screaming for her to just close that tiny gap between them.

"I shouldn't do this, shouldI?" It was him who had said it, Kagome oblivious to his own reaction, instead having to focus on trying to calm herself down, but suddenly everything seemed so much hotter as his mouth was so close to her own that she felt his words on her lips.

"Probably not." She'd whispered it back, trying to hold out just a little longer, trying to gain enough control of her body to push away and save them both from the complexities that would arise should they give in.

"I want to kiss you, Kagome." It was felt more than heard, and Kagome's breath hitched.

It was too late, she realized. It had been too late when she had answered his phone call for the first time all those months ago, it was too late long before they'd laid themselves bare that night.

This was always going to happen, she realized, and there was nothing either of them could do to stop it.

"Inuyasha…" Breathless, his name left her, not even a whisper but an exhale.

His mouth was already on hers as soon as she'd decided to give in, saving her the trip to his lips. It was hot, she decided, much too hot under that blanket, but she couldn't stop what she was doing to shrug it off, her arms coming up to hold his head where it was, their kiss melding into something heady, something that she could get drunk off faster than any brand of alcohol she'd ever tried.

Kissing Inuyasha was like finding nirvana. She couldn't stop, couldn't pull herself away from him, wanting more, needing more.

Kagome didn't know when they'd transitioned to open mouth kisses, but she felt his tongue gently brushing against her lips and she lost all self- control, giving in to him completely, her tongue reaching out to caress his in return, the edge barely grazing one of his elongated canine teeth on her way.

It shot a spark up her spine like none she'd felt before, and she moaned despite herself, the sensation one she'd only dreamed of.

Suddenly, she was on her back, cold air all around her as Inuyasha bolted off away from the girl, backing himself up to the door. Kagome looked over at him dumbly, trying to figure out what happened, but when her eyes met his, she realized why he'd done that.

They were beginning to turn scarlet, completely trained on her as he breathed heavily.

"Kagome…if I don't leave right now..."

He was so much stronger than her, she realized. It was almost comical, because as she looked at him, she just wanted to cross the space and pick up where they'd left off, but thankfully a part of her spoke that she hadn't known was able to.

"Then go, before I change my mind, please."

He was gone in a flash, the sound of her front door closing behind him quickly.

Funny, Kagome thought, it didn't feel so cold on the balcony anymore.

A/N: I have to say even negative reviews are good reviews.

Shout out to "Guest" who said Inuyasha was a sick jerk, that what I'm writing is now overly complicated and that Inuyasha wanting to be in Kagome's life was purely sick.

It drove me here, drove me to write something to prove these two are worth all of this.

Is it too much to presume we all owe you a 'thank you?' Because, I, for one, didn't see this coming this chapter, but I'm so glad it did.

Happy Easter, everyone, here is my…can I call it fluff? It's not very soft and cute is it? Anyway, here is my Easter gift to you all.

Until next time, my friends.

-K. Marjorie