Chapter 11: Hold
"Won't you hold me
while the waves sing us to sleep?
Won't you hold me
while the waves rock us gently?
Feel the swell beneath our feet.
Won't you hold, just hold, me?"
-"Hold Me" The Sweeplings
It was cold.
That was an understatement, Kagome realized, because she was next to a heating lamp wrapped in a wool coat and still shivering from time to time. She'd worn boots that went up over her knees, as well as a scarf with a matching hat and gloves to try to combat the unseasonably cold December that had fallen over Kyoto. It was a cute look, the slightly long coat that tapered in at her waist and fell like a skirt over her hips paired with the very tall boots. However, the cold was still nipping at her bones, despite the denim skinny jeans, the usually too warm flannel and the thermal long-sleeved shirt she wore underneath it all.
The weather report said snow was likely to fall over the next few days, though it would only stick to the ground for a short while. Not for the first time, Kagome wondered if she should move somewhere much more temperate for her sanity.
It pissed her off that Inuyasha was just wearing a denim jacket and seemed fine across from her at the table, contentedly sipping the coffee that had just been delivered.
His golden orbs caught her chocolate ones and his left eyebrow immediately raised in her direction.
"I told you we could sit inside, Kagome." Indeed, he had, but the little café they'd decided to hit for breakfast that morning in the park was overcrowded, a kind of pressing invasion of personal space that would rob the two of them of any privacy.
"I can hardly pretend to feel comfortable sandwiched between strangers and trying to hold a conversation with you." Kagome finally gave in and slipped her gloves off as she was speaking, reaching for the steaming thermos of coffee in front of her.
Thankfully, the little joint thought to put the coffee in something that would protect it from the too cold air, a way for their customers to enjoy the warmth of the hot beverage without having to chug it. It was at least a compromise for having shit space heaters on their patio.
"Perhaps we should just get some pastries and coffee to go? We could walk around the park. The movement would keep you warm." It was a good idea, and Kagome agreed, content to let Inuyasha head inside to handle the order change.
It'd been about two weeks since The Incident, as she'd taken to calling it in her head. It was not supposed to have happened, a line having been crossed that neither of them had been aware of having existed prior to the evening. They hadn't discussed it, and Kagome had a suspicion that they wouldn't. Inuyasha had been excellent at keeping an appropriate distance from her person when the situation called for it, and Kagome had fallen right into the tone he was setting for them.
They were probably still a little too clingy with each other, something Kagome silently wished would continue. She had yet to stop hanging onto his arm when they were walking side by side, which was easily explained away by the recent cold front.
But, also, he was in great shape and her hand did fit uncannily well into the curve of his forearm, the swell of his bicep seeming to perfectly match the shape of her palm. So, sue her, she rather enjoyed the contact. He would always offer his arm up when they were getting ready to start moving, and she'd gladly take it. It's not like she was forcing him to do it.
And she wasn't forcing him to kiss her cheek in greeting, in farewell, in jest, in what she hoped was fondness. Nor was she forcing him to put his arm around her when she was sitting next to him, never did she make him pull her into an embrace from behind when she was cooking or looking at something. He was just as apt to keep a hand on her as she was to keep one on him. It was comfortable, a nice sort of coziness that had descended over the two of them.
Domesticity was the word that echoed in her mind when she thought of her interactions with the older half demon. They did shopping together, cooked together, ate together. They'd spend their evenings wrapped up in deep conversations or watching an episode of a television series they'd started on recently. It was oddly normal, almost like being in a relationship without the relationship.
This, technically, was the first weekend they'd had to do as they'd pleased. The first, of course, had been spent moving Kagome into her apartment and getting it furnished. Last weekend, Souta had a competition that Kagome hadn't wanted to miss and Inuyasha had to go to a conference in Beijing. The plan for the weekend was to meet up that Saturday morning at an early hour, which ended up being a little after seven, and then just play the rest by ear.
They were only a five-minute walk away from each other's homes through an alleyway that Kagome had been consistently reminded not to use without him, and Inuyasha had graciously offered up the extra parking space assigned to his apartment for her continued use. They'd decided, after the short trek back to his parking garage from her building, to head to a new place right next to a park that Kagome rather liked walking during the spring time.
And so, here they were, Inuyasha having already returned with the breakfast to go from the little park café. They'd walked a few minutes into the park itself before leaning against the railing of her favorite foot bridge, watching some children playing with remote controlled sailboats as they munched on still warm croissants and sipped on delightfully fresh coffee.
"Will you tell me about him?" It was Inuyasha who had broken their silence, his pastry having just met its end, the wrapper disappearing into one of his jacket pockets.
"Who?" It was muffled from the mouthful of buttery goodness, and Kagome tried to grin sheepishly in apology as she swallowed her bite, washing it down with a sip of coffee.
"That boy you were engaged to. I've told you everything about me, and now I want to know more about you." He was right, and Kagome looked back over the railing to the water below them, contemplating what he'd said.
Inuyasha had been an open book with her over the last two weeks, letting her ask any questions she had and offering up any information he thought she was overlooking. Kagome had asked endless questions about his wife, reasoning that it was only natural, as a woman who cared for this man, to want to understand who had caught his attention thoroughly enough to warrant marriage and everything that followed it. There was a little spark of hurt at the idea, just a little taste of jealousy on her tongue, but it was easily overpowered by her gratitude that he hadn't been alone in this world, that someone had loved him in the way he deserved.
But, despite having heard so much about Sophie, about all of the women he'd pursued, Kagome couldn't overlook Inuyasha's feelings for her that seemed to transcend time. He'd stopped his own suicide because he didn't want to hurt her, had chosen to continue on in pain after Sophie's death to protect her, had spend so much of his live making decisions under the pretense that it was what Kagome had wanted.
It was overwhelming to know the full depth of the depression he'd faced, of how resolute he'd been in his decision to end his life. However, it was most disarming how he credited her existence to having been his saving grace. Kagome had cried, in private of course, when the reality hit her. Inuyasha loved her. He'd put her on this ridiculous pedestal, had this notion she was too good for him, had spent his whole life in gratitude to her for loving him. He loved her. Kagome had never felt the depth of love like the love that Inuyasha held for her, had never imagined it could feel like this to be so loved.
It was that feeling, that devotion, that kept her following his will to not become more physically or romantically involved. Kagome owed it to Inuyasha to do that, to give him what he wanted.
Kagome owed it to herself to not give herself away like that again, anyway. She trusted Inuyasha, she loved Inuyasha, but in the end, she just was too afraid of the fall.
She sighed, finally having pieced together the strength to tell him what he was after.
"He was hardly a boy, you know." Kagome tucked her croissant wrapper into her pocket before taking Inuyasha's proffered arm and beginning to walk forward on the path.
"I imagine you were very young when you started seeing him, for it to have lasted three years, I just assumed you two weren't even 20 yet. More a child than adult." He said it in a way that wasn't insulting, and Kagome understood where he was coming from. Inuyasha was much older than her, even by appearances. Kagome knew she looked younger than she was, more like a solid 18 than the almost 23 she stood at. Inuyasha, despite looking young, still looked a little predatory next to her from time to time, his countenance looking closer to 30. Still handsome but having no business with someone who looked barely legal.
It was something Kagome was used to experiencing.
"I was 19, he was 28." Kagome took a sip of her coffee, unsurprised when Inuyasha brought them to a stop to look her in the eyes, silently asking for her to elaborate. "I have a thing for older men. You should have figured that one out by now." It was a truth wrapped in a joke, a harmless flirtation.
"Kagome. You and I have a history, it makes sense that you would be drawn to me. I'm more surprised that someone who was old enough to know better and had no other reason pursued you." He was right, as always. Hiro should not have pursued her, but she had opened herself up to it, and then him.
"He was an artist, which means he was into all sorts of trains of thought that would appall you, I'm sure. I volunteered to pose for some of his work for extra credit in my art appreciation class freshman year. He was a grad student at the time, and actually one of my first friends at college." They'd taken to walking again, and Kagome deposited her now empty coffee cup into a nearby trashcan, taking the opportunity to encase his one arm in both of her hands, leaning her head against his deltoid as they walked.
"What kind of art work did he do?" Inuyasha followed her lead and threw out his cup as well, bringing his free hand up to keep the hand on his forearm there.
"Photography, usually. It was relatively harmless, the series I had volunteered for was about shrines, which is why I pursued it in the first place. It was a good match, I was comfortable posing as a shrine maiden, familiar with the tasks to perform for the photos, and he ended up winning some awards for it." Kagome still looked at those photos, sometimes, several of them posted in her mother's home. They were dear to her, beautiful shots of her being nothing but herself.
"What changed your relationship from that of photographer and subject to...well, almost married?"
"I dated this guy all through high school, and after a particularly…offsetting dream, I ended up deciding to get drunk beyond reason and made the choice to be with him intimately at a party." Inuyasha was steering them toward a bench, then, and Kagome followed, settling in next to him, his arm coming around her to keep her warm.
Inuyasha knew about her dreams, knew everything there was to know about her up until she started college, and then everything from when she had met him again. But he didn't know about this, this huge gaping hole of alcohol and bad decisions and a relationship that wasn't a proper relationship until it was almost over.
"What was this dream about?" Kagome leaned away from him enough to make eye contact, willing him to understand with just one look, but meeting nothing but more confusion instead.
"You." It was a whisper.
"You said you'd dreamt of me before, I don't see how that could have pushed you to that point suddenly." He was either being purposefully dense or thought she was a saint, either way she was just a tad frustrated.
"Yash." It was tersely said, and Kagome suddenly was reminded of conversations she'd had with Daichi months ago about his stupidity. More familial traits, it seemed.
"What?" He blinked innocently before realization dawned over his face. "Oh."
"Be as creative as you want with that information." Kagome rolled her eyes before settling back against his shoulder, feeling his arm tighten around her as she did so.
"I will not be doing that. I hope you at least got…uh...what you needed?" Kagome scoffed at his words.
"Hardly. He was young, inexperienced, probably watched way too much internet porn and thought that it was real. I almost punched him, you know. It was so awful. And I was angry, and hurt, and inevitably he pointed out some scars and I just ended up crying in a stranger's bed. I'd spent so much time trying to pretend that I was a normal college student and the emotional scars didn't exist. Having someone else remind me of the physical scars that proved I wasn't that girl…it became too much for me to handle, I just broke down. Not my proudest moment." Inuyasha sighed next to her, and she cut him off before he could apologize.
"It was a necessary experience. But I tried so hard to bury it that none of my friends could tell I was upset. Hiro, that's his name, by the way, Hiro Yamada. He'd hired me to do some shoots with him for some of his other projects, and when I came in the next week, he noticed I wasn't myself. He was the only one who could tell something was wrong me with. He said my eyes looked more sad than usual, or something like that."
"What's wrong, Kagome." It wasn't a question, more of a statement, frustration coloring the older man's tone.
Hiro was standing on a tree branch above her. They were doing a shoot for a designer, and Kagome was currently dressed in a western style bridal gown, her hair and makeup having been expertly done, laying in a patch of particularly beautiful grass with the dress splayed out around her perfectly.
"I don't know what you mean, Hiro." Kagome looked up at him, having been instructed to look off to her left before, only to be met with angry blue eyes, his slightly shaggy bleached hair brushing into his gaze for a moment.
Hiro was handsome, in a classic sort of way, despite his usual black hair having been bleached and permed into a tight curl, the top of his hair much longer than the sides. He was tall from his American mother's genetics, sort of lanky with broad shoulders but not very muscled, skinny but deceptively strong. He always dressed like he was going to ride a motorcycle, but he owned an old Honda sedan instead.
"Your eyes. They look more haunted than usual, not exactly those of the blissfully happy bride. Did you run over your dog or something? Boyfriend break up with you?" He sat on the branch, seeming to give into the fact that the shoot was going absolutely nowhere.
"I don't know what you're talking about. Nothing's different." Kagome knew Hiro, had worked with him on numerous occasions, but she didn't feel comfortable talking to him about it.
"If you don't cheer up, this shoot is over, and I am not helping you out of that corset until you tell me what's wrong. I'm an impartial third party who you can vent to and feel better. And then we can finish this shoot and we'll both get paid."
The corset. It was so damned tight, the train of the gown impossibly long behind her, something she would never be able to get out of herself. Hiro had to help her walk everywhere, the fashion designer having left to go pick up her son from daycare while they were doing the shoot. It left him responsible for helping her change if they finished before the nice lady returned.
"I don't think I feel comfortable discussing any of this with you."
"Out with it. I will not repeat anything you say."
Kagome had only contemplated for a few moments before she spilled her guts the best she could without saying anything identifying about Inuyasha, blaming her emotional issues on several close friends, including a boyfriend, having died when she was 15.
"You're saying you're upset that sex wasn't like what you thought it would be, but it sounds more like you're upset you can't have a normal experience because of what you've been through." That was the conclusion Hiro had reached. His tone disinterested, his chin resting in his hand that was balanced lazily against his knee.
Kagome was silent, still uncomfortable with her emotions being laid out for someone else to examine.
"The truth is, you can't expect your life to be normal. It will never be normal. You cannot expect yourself to just shed that pain like an uncomfortable jacket. You will carry them with you forever. Do not blame the imperfections of life on your loss, because that moment would have sucked even if you weren't scarred by the pain of death."
Kagome was stunned and blinked up at the man with confusion.
"Young men," Hiro began at her silent questioning, "especially those in college and when drunk, are not very good at treating a woman right. I would not have expected your experience to have been anything like that dream you had because, for one, you were a virgin and that first time is never perfect. Two, he was likely incredibly inexperienced and thought all it took was him sticking it in and going at it as hard as he could."
Kagome blushed at the older man's crass words and looked down at the skirt of her dress.
The quick sound of a lens shuttering caused her to look up him through her eyelashes, only to be met with the camera occluding her view of his face.
"You are young, Kagome, and beautiful," the words were said as he dropped the camera down once more. "There will be many, many more men who will want to prove that to you."
Kagome's eyes were trained on him again, the blush burning on her cheeks. He snapped some more photos of her, finding something in the expression she was wearing to be in line with what he planned for the shoot.
"I, for one, will offer myself up, should you ever want a better experience. No strings attached."
"He'd had relationships like that before," Kagome explained to Inuyasha, "he could easily offer it because he'd been there and back."
"I don't think you've ever been the kind of girl who could do that and not become attached, Kagome. Going into that relationship was a terrible idea." Of course, he could see it. Of course, he could predict what happened next.
"You're right, I'm a serial monogamist, but I didn't have you to remind me back then." Kagome felt Inuyasha flinch underneath her and pulled herself back to look at him.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I'm saying… it was another necessary experience, Yash. I needed to go through that." She pressed a kiss to his cold cheek before settling where she could see him more comfortably and still get the benefit of his burning warmth.
"So," he began, "my hunch is that it was a better experience for you?"
"At first it was just…fine. We'd slowed down on the projects, but I went out with him for drinks one night and took him up on his offer. He was kind, so incredibly kind to me. When he asked if I wanted to come over a few days later, I did it unthinkingly. I was so curious about it, and things toppled into me exploring the depth of my sexuality with someone I perceived to be safe." Kagome watched as her golden eyed companion seemed to contemplate what she was saying.
"How," he began slowly, "did it evolve into a relationship?"
"It's such a mess." Kagome signed out the sentence trying to figure out what to say next.
Kagome was laying on her stomach, watching the rain slap against the window at the head of the bed she was occupying, the sound both lulling her and enticing her to watch contentedly.
The sound of a lens firing behind her caused her to jerk her head around, eyes finding a mostly naked Hiro with a camera to his face.
"What are you doing?" Kagome said it playfully, but there was a seriousness there.
"The raindrops from the window were being shadowed on your back from the sunlight. I thought it was beautiful and I wanted to capture it." He dropped the camera from where he had been looking at the photo again, his eyes roving over her body that was barely covered in his thin white sheets.
"You are beautiful." Hiro put his camera down on the desk next to where he stood, moving towards her predatorily, kneeling on the bed next to her when he reached it. "I want to capture you." It was a whisper, punctuated with a searing kiss that burned even after the man pulled away from her.
Kagome pulled him right back down, letting her body take control of itself.
"How," Kagome said almost against his lips in hushed tones, "do you plan to do that?"
"In picture," he said before planting a kiss to her neck, "after picture." He pulled her up to wrap her legs around his waist, dropping more hot kisses to her skin between his words. "In moment after moment of bliss."
"Where do I sign up this time?" Kagome giggled a little after he brushed over a particularly sensitive rib with his ministrations.
"Right here," his hips rolled against her then, reigniting a flame that had just been put out a mere hour ago, "just like this."
"I didn't realize he meant it. I didn't realize what I'd just agreed to, but nothing changed. It was all…physical. We'd started this whole sexual empowerment project, and I was modeling for him in all sorts of campaigns, things were good. Minus…well, minus that fact that he took up a position teaching at the university the fall of my sophomore year." Kagome watched as Inuyasha searched her face for something, and she suspected he'd just put together why the whole thing was so complicated.
"You were an art minor, weren't you?" Kagome cringed as he reached the conclusion that she most dreaded.
"I was an art minor before he began teaching, and he disclosed that he was in a sort of relationship with me when he signed the contract. It was more on the lines that I was doing so much for his work, not on what was going on behind the scenes, but it explained it well enough. The school was aware, but we had to sign agreements saying we wouldn't disclose the nature of our relationship with anyone else, and I couldn't take any classes that he taught. No posting on social media, no being seen together in public. It was all well and good, because as far as I was concerned, he was just my friend with benefits." It was true. They were in no wrong, had never, truly been in the wrong.
"I'm still trying to piece together how you went from friends with benefits to engaged, you know." Inuyasha tugged her hat back down over her ears a little more securely with the sentence, oddly comfortable with the information she was giving to him.
"I was his muse. He was doing all of this gallery shows of photos of me, videos of me. My face was always hidden, and my modesty was never truly compromised. He paired images with poems on what he was feeling, and it was a hit. People were buying these huge canvases… I didn't realize…I was so naïve, I had no idea that for him, having a muse…"
Kagome trailed off not quite sure what to say.
"I've met artists like that, you know, when I was in Italy. It would be an endless cycle, make food, make love, make art. I understand what you're trying to say. They were hooked on it, on that drive, can't let it go. It's easy to confuse it for something else." He smiled softly at her then, seeming to already know what happened. "He proposed to you, didn't he? Out of nowhere."
"Absolutely out of nowhere. We'd been seeing each other for two years, and things, to me, were physical only. I didn't want an emotional relationship. Maya was setting me up on dates with all these guys, thinking I was single and needed help. Hiro encouraged it, thought it would detract from all of the time we spent together, all the ad campaigns he'd landed and convinced them to use me as a model, so long as my face was never seen. But the rumors were still circulating." Kagome closed her eyes, remembering all the things people would say about her.
"You said yes, obviously. But why? If you thought it was physical, why did you say yes?" Kagome opened her eyes to stare straight up at Inuyasha, surprised to find him so close to her, quickly looking around to make sure no one was around.
"I thought…I thought he loved me, and, if I'm being honest, thought I loved him as much as I could be expected to. I was hooked on our lifestyle, the sex and the alcohol and the attention. I felt empowered, I felt like a siren, I felt loved. I didn't want it to end, I thought it was a different kind of love, I thought maybe, with marriage, the familial, warm love I thought I should have been feeling would come naturally, thought I was just in the physical honeymoon kind of stage. So, I said yes, my mom and I planned the wedding after we told her, and we set the date for February 1st of this year."
It would have been a small wedding, a beautiful wedding, on the mountains in Kyoto. A perfect little winter wedding, covered in snow. She still had the dress in the back of her closet, something she wasn't quite ready to let go of.
"That's so recent. You said he ended things two weeks before? That puts it at just after you would have restarted classes from the winter break." He looked at her with pity, a little sadness mixed in.
Kagome was over pity, and it put a little anger in her blood. She forced herself to ignore the issue in favor of finishing up their conversation.
"The guy I dated, the one I slept with at that party, he figured it out. He recognized my scars and realized I was posing nude for Hiro. I was stupid to not have checked over the photos for that gallery showing, it was my own fault. He saw the engagement ring, saw us at a gallery showing a week later, realized what was going on. It was…awful. He started spreading all of these rumors that I was engaged to Hiro but sleeping with all of the guys I was going out with, that I was dancing topless at bars and that I was kissing strangers to get drinks when I went out with Maya." Kagome had leaned back against Inuyasha, the morning air still too chilly for her to be comfortable without his added warmth yet.
"Hiro believed these?" Kagome felt him say it as her head rested on the space underneath his collarbone, his arm coming around her to rub her arm and try to keep her warm.
"Yes and no. He knew they weren't true. I've told you before, I played games with a lot of the guys I went on dates with, always flirted to get drinks and to have a good time, but it was never more than that. He knew what I was doing, encouraged it. But it wore on him, listening to his students whisper about me, listening to them saying what other lewd thing I'd done to get the attention of another man, listening to more people complaining I'd turned them down for dates when they knew I was easy. So, he started getting upset when I went out with Maya or when I kept one of those dates that he said I should take in the first place. It exploded, one day, when my mom had arranged for some of my friends to take me out on her dime, her way of giving me a bachelorette party two weeks before the wedding."
Kagome was having the time of her life.
She couldn't remember the last time she'd been out this late, the last time she'd danced this long. Her legs were aching, and she couldn't stop laughing.
All too soon it was over, familiar hand wrapping around her arm, her eyes darting up to find bright blue ones staring her down.
"Hiro!" Kagome threw her arms around his neck, too tipsy to realize what she was doing was against what they'd decided was best for their safety.
"Kagome, I'm here to take you home." That was a party pooper, and she spit out a 'why' at his words.
"So I don't have to hear the girls in the corner not so discretely whispering about what you've been up to tonight in class on Monday morning, that's why."
"No, I want to stay here and have fun. This is my last time, Hiro, before we're married. I want to enjoy this." Kagome pointed out the engagement ring she was wearing on her right hand instead of her left, which she usually switched when they were at one of his gallery showings. "The last time I'll have to be out and not get to wear this the way I want to. It's a celebration!"
Kagome threw her hands up and giggled, surprised when Hiro hoisted her up onto his shoulder.
She was outside before she knew it.
"This has to end, Kagome." Hiro was deadly serious, something that never was directed towards her.
"What has to end?" Kagome was so confused, she would stop going out after tonight, wasn't that the point?
"I can't live with hearing all these rumors about you, having to fight with myself to know if they're real or not, Kagome. It has to end." Kagome reached up and cupped his face in her hands.
"It will, in just a few months we'll be married, and I'll have graduated, and this will all be a horrible memory. Come on baby, let's go back to your apartment." Kagome was tugging at his hand, recognizing his car parked just a little way down the street.
"No. I don't think this will get better, Kagome. How do you think I'll feel, hearing rumors about my wife going out and being wild, even if they're not true? I thought I could do this, Kagome, but I was wrong. I thought I be with a woman like you, who inspires me like you, and not find myself in love with you, but I was wrong. I thought I could date you, I thought we could be together like this until you graduated, but I was wrong. I thought I could marry you, I thought I could be with you for the rest of my life, but I was wrong."
His words were like a slap in her face, and Kagome found herself sucking in air, reeling as the weight of what he said set in, but Hiro did not give her time to think, words flying at her again without reason.
"I'm sorry, Kagome. But I can't do this anymore. It's done. We're over. I cannot marry you." He placed a soft kiss against her forehead, which only served to confuse her further. "Maybe in a few years, huh?"
He walked away before she could react, shock encompassing her entire being.
"Just like that?" It was Inuyasha who broke the silence she'd settled into after she'd finished.
"Just like that. I was drunk, though, and thought...I don't know. We met for coffee the next day, and he broke it off for real. It hurt, but I went out on a few dates and acted like that girl everyone said I was for the few weeks before I met Daichi, and even then, I was wilder than I'd ever been before Hiro ended things. I didn't sleep with them, of course, but I danced on tables and kissed strangers. I still get royalty checks from his lawyer every time one of my images are sold or used in an ad. It's almost enough to cover my rent on its own, but it won't last." Kagome stood up, stretching easily.
"It sounds like he left it open ended. What if he tries to come and find you?" Inuyasha followed her movements with his eyes, still easily reclined on the bench.
"What if he does? It changes nothing. He and I are over. I loved him, in a way, and he made me feel so very unloved. To walk away…to give up like that. If you were in his shoes, what would you have done?" Kagome placed her hands in her pockets, finding the little paper wrapping that had been on her croissant there.
"I would have married you when I had the chance, if I were him." Inuyasha said it in such a way that stilled Kagome's heart for a moment.
"That's the difference," Kagome began softly. "If he loved me, if he really loved me, it never would have gotten to him. But I gave in too easily to have loved him the way I should have, too."
"It's just sad, sweetheart, that you're letting that experience stop you from finding someone again. You shouldn't spend your life alone. Trust me." He was making fierce eye contact with her, and Kagome couldn't find it in herself to look away.
"I am not alone. I have you." The words were a whisper, but the hardening of his eyes told Kagome that he'd heard her.
"I cannot marry you, Kagome, I cannot give you children. I am not enough." Still he didn't move.
"I don't want to get married, I don't want to go through all of that planning again, for one. Having to call and cancel everything…it was too much. I was so ready for that life, to have it stripped away like that makes me not want it again. And I don't want to have a baby. There are plenty of children who need a home, should I decide that I want to raise a child later on. You," Kagome kneeled in front of him gently, "are more than enough. Do not decide for me what I should want for my life."
"That could change, Kagome. You're still so young now." Inuyasha took her hands in his own. "I won't be what gets in the way of you having your happy ending."
What if you are my happy ending?
The words echoed in her head, but Kagome found different ones leaving her lips.
"How's this, if I change my mind, I'll tell you. Right away."
Inuyasha sighed, but seemed to be giving into Kagome's wishes, allowing her to tug him up to start walking through the park again.
Inuyasha was selfish.
It was why he was allowing Kagome to dash her chances of finding someone to be with for the rest of her life. It was hard, he reasoned, to let her go after she'd told him that she'd often dreamt of taking care of their child.
A little boy with his hair and eyes, she'd said, who had smelt of clean laundry and field grass. It was a vivid image that conjured up in his mind, one heavily colored by having watched two nephews grow up with his same looks, as well as one great nephew.
She could tell him she didn't want children all she wanted, but her subconscious certainly did, at least at some point. But the idea that she'd been so attached to the mere dream of his son, the mere thought that she could have happily been the mother of his children, his wife, it made him want to hold on to her a little longer, a little tighter.
That idiot had given up on her because of rumors? Dumbass.
If there was one thing he wished he could redo, it would be to have grabbed onto Kagome before the jewel forced them apart, ensuring they'd be together wherever they landed.
He would have married her, then, in a heartbeat, given her as many children as she wanted, done whatever it took to keep her smiling. Which made him ask why he wasn't keen on the idea now.
Because, his human reasoned in his ear, the mere act of making love could kill her, and we cannot lose her.
Don't be foolish, his demon countered, we love her. We would never hurt her, only show her love. All day, every day, we'd show her how much we love her. In everyway we could.
It was driving him mad, the back and forth.
He was glad tonight was his human night, especially because he'd just gotten a call that Daichi was home and in his apartment again.
He'd be staying at Kagome's, then. He'd ended up doing the same a few times during the last two weeks out of convenience; some days he wouldn't get off from work until very late and still wanted to swing by and see her. He'd fallen asleep on her couch the first time, having already seen Kagome off to bed and not realizing how exhausted he was when he'd decided to sit down answer a few emails. Kagome had gently woken him the next morning, her soft hands running over his face as her even softer words whispered him awake. She'd insisted he stay the next time he'd gotten that tired, and he'd given in without much of a fight. He'd left a few changes of clothes in the spare room's closet just in case it happened again.
The pup had yet to talk to him, or Kagome for that matter, and Inuyasha was going to give him the space he needed. Especially because now there was a family brunch for them to attend in the morning, and also because Inuyasha knew he didn't want to leave Kagome's tonight anyway.
In all fairness, he was starting to like her apartment more than his. It wasn't just because of the kitchen, like she thought, but more because it was so her. Everything about the place screamed 'Kagome,' and it just made him feel like he'd come home. He slept better there than he could remembering having slept in a long time.
He didn't have the guts to tell her that yet, and Inuyasha was sure such a confession would change them irrevocably. It would be better left unsaid.
He needed to ask Kagome if she wanted to go to brunch, but he was sure she would. Rin was expecting her anyway, and the whole family was in town for the impending New Year's celebrations. She'd want to see Shippo, he knew as much, and Kouga and Ayame would be there as well. He wanted her to get to know Tensho, too, because if the pup got to know her, he'd be able to get some more unbiased advice.
They were currently in her apartment, cooking dinner, Kagome shocking him by dancing quite well to some salsa music he'd put on. She was such a beautiful picture, her hair falling in waves down her back as she expertly moved her hips to the rhythm of the music, sprinkling a little extra cilantro on the margarita chicken he'd been teaching her how to make that night.
If he were a photographer, she'd be his favorite thing to capture too, he mused. Such a sweet little thing, so kind and full of love for everyone else. Inuyasha fully understood why Hiro had been so enamored with her. Just watching her move about brought him so much joy that he couldn't help himself from moving over to her pulling her into his arms, planting a sweet kiss to the crook of her neck.
The move turned out to be a mistake. She had still been dancing when he'd approached her, and the 'swish' of her hips against his just that once was enough for him to have to reach down and force her to still her movements.
"Sorry," she stuttered it out, a little shocked herself, "I didn't realize you were so close."
"This looks perfect, sweetheart," he pulled the package of cilantro out of her hands, leaving one arm around her waist to keep her close to him as he tossed it to the side, kissing her cheek softly in response to her apology. "Let's eat and then maybe I'll show you how to actually salsa."
Kagome had scoffed at his little jest, but two of them were seated at the table in no time, Inuyasha having grabbed the import beers he'd picked out to go with the meal out the fridge on his way to the dining room. Kagome was a good cook already, which is why he'd decided to show her how to prepare a different cuisine when they had the time. He'd had some emails to answer while she'd been cooking and had left her with the bulk of the work unintentionally. One bite of the chicken and he was pleasantly surprised to find she was a quick learner, having been able to accurately follow his directions without any trouble.
"Dance with me, Kagome," he'd reached his hand out to her with the words when their meal was over, more a demand than a question. She'd looked at him for only a moment before downing the swallow that was left of her beer and taking his proffered hand, allowing him to pull her up and towards the living room where there was space.
He changed what was playing to something that wasn't salsa music, despite what he'd said to Kagome earlier. It wasn't smart, that kind of dance, the sensual nature of it. Instead, he chose music from the 1940s, songs he still knew the words to. Humming the melody as he pulled Kagome into a slow waltz, he turned her about the empty space between the living room and the dining room, the hard wood floor easy for his socked feet to glide over.
It was just barely sunset, so it wouldn't be much longer until his demon was gone so he could enjoy the moment for what it was, Kagome having fallen right into his lead without any issue.
"You're a natural dancer, you know. Have you ever thought of taking classes?" Kagome shrugged from his question but kept her eyes on his own.
"Never had the time, really, and I'm too old to start something like that now." Inuyasha pulled her in a little closer, suddenly aware that for her, it was true.
How long would it be until she started aging, how long before he was forced to stand at her graveside?
His chest ached with a tightness he hadn't felt in a very long time.
"Can I stay the night, Kagome?" The words fell from his mouth as he tried to distract his heart from the sudden realization that things weren't okay, that he was one step closer to losing her every day. What was he doing, wasting time worrying that he was hurting her if she kept telling him the opposite? If she wanted to be with him in this capacity, who was he to stop her?
He had lived over 500 years wishing he had more time with the very woman who he was holding right now, and someone had granted him that. He needed to stop fighting it, needed to make sure she spent every day knowing how much he cared about her, so long as she was fine with it.
The small woman pulled back from him, just as his countenance changed with the setting of the sun.
"I was mostly kidding when I said what I did about your human nights, you know." Kagome was so playful, one eyebrow raised in his direction.
"'Mostly,' you say? That leaves a margin of an offer there, you know." He pulled her against him, forgoing his usual proper form in lieu of letting her arms wrap around his neck, his own wrapping around her lower back.
"I suppose it does." It was a whisper against his collarbone.
"Don't worry, that's not why I wanted to stay." He leaned his head against hers, letting his eyes slip shut as they swayed to the slow tempo of the music.
"Drat, and here I was thinking I'd trapped you." Kagome exhaled a small laugh against his skin and Inuyasha felt a small smile crack over his face at her words.
"Daichi's home. I figured I'd give him space tonight, and I didn't think you would mind too much." He felt her hum against him contentedly.
"No, it's fine. Stay as long as you want." He knew she'd say it, but felt a sense of relief all the same.
"There's a family brunch tomorrow, at Sesshomaru's. Rin's hoping you'll come."
"Just Rin?" It had the ring of a joke to it, and Inuyasha took the bait willingly.
"Don't beg for attention, Kagome, it's not very cute." She leaned back to stick her tongue out at him jokingly before falling back into his embrace.
They stayed like that for a while, Inuyasha gladly taking the excuse to hold her close to him for so long, light conversation flowing between them as he taught her the steps to some of the safer dances that he knew, still aware that even as a human, she presented an immense danger to his resolve.
They'd had a few drinks, or rather, he had. Between songs, or when Kagome needed something to drink, he'd been giving himself large pours from his . Kagome had only had the beer at dinner and had decided to stick to water for the night, something that proved to be incredibly smart of her end.
Inuyasha, it turned out, did not know his limit. It was a reoccurring issue on his human nights, though it usually just ended in him blearily blinking at his TV trying to figure out why it was suddenly blurry. He'd been largely fine that evening, most of it spent with Kagome giggling as he'd spun her around him in a true swing dance, Inuyasha having decided to show off a little and teach Kagome how to do what she and Daichi had tried to do so many months ago.
But when they'd stopped moving, when Kagome had politely excused herself to get dressed for bed and he'd been left to lean on the counter, sipping another double whiskey (something he found Kagome would never steal from him, her nose wrinkling in distaste every time he had anything with whiskey in it around her), he realized it was so very hot in the apartment.
It was probably a mix of the alcohol and the physical activity they'd been partaking in, he realized in hindsight, but in the moment, he was suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to get the hell out of his clothes and quench his insatiable thirst that came out of nowhere.
It didn't occur to him that it wasn't a good idea to use whiskey to do so until after Kagome had returned to the living area, presumably to say goodnight.
She was so beautiful, dressed in a navy-blue bathrobe that came to her knees, a matching nightgown peering out underneath. It was his favorite color on her, that blue, one he wished she would wear more often instead of the red she seemed to favor.
He wondered, for the first time, if it was because of his fire rat that she wore red, but the thought escaped just as quickly as it came. His attention was suddenly drawn to the fact that her clothing was made from a satin material as she drew closer to him, and he wanted to feel it glide under his hands, the appendages twitching at his sides with the thought. He realized there was white lace edging on the bathrobe, too, suddenly very intrigued to see what that nightgown looked like in full, the heat in the room seeming to be sucked right into his very being with the thought.
"Inuyasha," her voice drew him from his thoughts to find her right there in front of him, "where did your shirt and pants go?"
He looked down to realize he was, in fact, only wearing his briefs and his socks, the latter of which he reached down to pull off as soon as he saw them.
"It's so very hot," he answered, "don't you think?"
Kagome raised an eyebrow at him as the downed the rest of the drink in his hand, reaching for the bottle on the counter to pour himself another, but surprised when her hands stilled his arm.
"I think," she began slowly, "that maybe you should give old Jack Daniels a rest for the night. Let's try some water, instead, to see if it will cool you down." She dropped his arm gently, moving around him to fix a glass of water.
"Drink this, please." Kagome handed the other glass in her hand to him, forcing him to drink the whole thing before making him another. "I'm going to bed. Do you feel sick to your stomach?"
Inuyasha shook his head 'no.'
"Good, I'll see you in the morning. Go to bed soon." She leaned up and pressed a kiss to his cheek before turning around and heading into her room.
He had immediately followed Kagome to her room with the glass of water in his hand, intent on going to sleep just like she'd suggested. She didn't see him until she'd turned to shut the door, surprised to find him so close behind her.
"What are you doing?" Kagome was talking to him like he was a child.
"Going to bed." It was obvious, wasn't it?
"Great, your room is on the other side of the apartment." Kagome looked a little frustrated with him but didn't push him away.
"And you're here. C'mon. Let's sleep." He pushed around her and placed the glass of water on her bedside table before flopping down on the mattress. "I haven't been in here since you moved in. I think I'd like that mirror better over the bed, on the ceiling preferably." He looked up from where he was reclined to see her shutting the door and turning off the overhead light, not having realized that the lamp next to him was on. "Why do you look upset?"
"Because you're going to be cross with me in the morning, and I can't do anything about it." She'd rid herself of the bathrobe quickly, the dim light not giving him a clear picture of the gown underneath, to his displeasure. Carefully, she tucked herself into the covers beside him, appearing to have given up on the idea of him sleeping in the other room that night.
"No, I won't," he reasoned, "because you've done such a fine job at keeping me in line. This is why I wanted to tell you what I was feeling in the first place. I knew you'd be able to help me stay out of trouble."
Kagome had rolled over to face him, one of her eyebrows raised in his direction.
"If you say so, Yash. Will you turn off that lamp?"
He did as he was asked, and darkness fell over the room. He watched for the room to lighten as his eyes adjusted and was rewarded with the sweet picture of Kagome's face so close to his own, her eyes shut.
"Kagome?" He whispered it, aware she was probably much more exhausted than he was and might have already fallen asleep.
"Hmmmm?"
"Can I kiss you goodnight?" He watched as her eyebrows wrinkled and her eyes opened spontaneously.
"You know that's a bad idea." Inuyasha didn't care, right now, didn't feel the same trepidation he usually faced when it came to these thoughts, an opportunity he wanted to capitalize on.
"I will promise to not kiss you for longer than 30 seconds total." He'd already scooted closer to her, taking her face in his left hand, running his thumb over her cheek bones.
"That's hardly a fair promise." Inuyasha agreed with her, thinking he could kiss her for an hour and still not feel satisfied.
"You're right, I won't go longer than five minutes." Kagome looked cross and her hand came up to slap on his shoulder abruptly.
"Inuyasha! It isn't fair because you shouldn't kiss me in the first place."
"Says who?"
"You." It was punctuated with a hard poke to his sternum, but he didn't even flinch from it.
"What do you say?"
"That we should try to sleep."
"Do you want me to kiss you, baby?"
"Inuyasha. You do not call me 'baby.'" She spat the word like it was poison and he couldn't resist the urge to tease her some more, his hands coming up to rest on the curve of her natural waist. He pulled her closer to him, rewarded with the feel of her nightgown on his skin, the way it slipped over her body with his movements making him want to shift his hands more just to fell it again.
"Answer the question and I'll consider only kissing you for one minute, baby. How's that for a fair compromise?"
"That isn't a fair compromise at all!" Her hands came down on his chest with a little force, attempting to pushing him away gently.
Inuyasha had had enough of the back and forth. He darted forward to catch her lips with his own, unsurprised when it took only a few brushes of his lips against hers for her to calm down and give into him, her arms wrapping around his neck comfortably. It was the soft sigh against his lips that served as the true vindication, the knowledge that she wanted him to kiss her giving him an unhealthy dose of pride.
This, Inuyasha decided, was a good decision. It wasn't like the last kiss they'd shared, wasn't hot and steamy. No, it was soft and sweet, filled with love and appreciation, patient and languid. It was a kiss that wasn't meant to be anything more, just a paced brushing of his lips against her own, Inuyasha enjoying the way she unconsciously pulled her leg up to his side, the soft skin of her inner thigh brushing against his rib cage.
He pulled away then, brushing his lips across her cheeks, her forehead, and her nose before placing one final, suddenly burning kiss to her lips. It was too much, the feeling of her smooth skin around him combined with the soft pressure of her lips against his own causing his head to swim, and he took in a deep breath of air.
"I wish I could kiss you every night," Inuyasha whispered it as he hovered over her mouth, not sure if he was ready to pull away fully yet. "You deserve that. You deserve goodnight kisses and good morning kisses and just because kisses. You deserve to feel loved all day, Kagome."
"I do feel loved, Inuyasha." Her words were a warm breath on his mouth. "Please don't think I need something more from you than what we have."
"What if I need something more? What if I want something more?" He didn't know where the words were coming from, but they rang true.
"Then," Kagome said softly, leaning up just a bit to press a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth, "you should take that up with yourself in the morning."
Inuyasha couldn't help himself again, leaning down to capture her lips with his own, running his tongue over them in askance this time, the heat that had been absent before appearing in full.
She pulled away.
"No, you will be mad at yourself tomorrow morning if you do that."
He groaned, but complied, plopping back onto his side, pulling Kagome in to be his little spoon as soon as she had turned away from him.
"Give me this, sweetheart," he'd cut her off with the words before she could speak, having caught the frustrated exhale that she'd released. "Let me hold you, at least. I can be mad at myself all I want tomorrow, but just give me this."
She sighed, but stopped trying to push away from him, allowing his arm to wrap tightly around her, his body pressed closely to hers.
"Goodnight, Kagome." He punctuated his words with a kiss to her shoulder, pleased with the little shudder he felt run through Kagome's body with it.
"Goodnight, Inuyasha."
A/N: This is my THIRD take on this subject matter, and I hope it does its job of being engaging and enlightening. I thank you all for being patient with me but trust me when I say I was continuing to work on this diligently when I could.
Thank you all for your reviews, I know I reached out to as many as I could through PM but in case I didn't, I'm saying it again. I am always overwhelmed by the positive support this has accumulated, in all forms, and I hope I can continue to provide you all with something worthwhile to read. For those of you who have accounts that I didn't PM, I don't mean any disrespect. I simply work 12 hour days and find it incredibly hard to do anything other than eat and sleep between shifts, and then I get really confused over who I've spoken to and who I haven't. I am working on that.
Until next time my friends,