"Well, Jack, you're back on top again," said Jack Ryder to his reflection in his mirror, as he combed his hair back from his freshly-shaved face. "And just in time to pick up an attractive date for Valentine's Day. I don't know how you do it – great stories just seem to fall into your lap, like your close shave with Deadshot, or your confrontation with Deacon Blackfire, or that time you got the Riddler to write the puzzle section of the paper that week they were giving away a trip to Bermuda to whoever could solve it. Granted, nobody won the prize because the Riddler made the puzzle too difficult, but that turned out to be exactly what the paper wanted so it wouldn't have to shell out the money for the trip. You're just a lucky guy, I guess, and I got a good feeling you're gonna get lucky again tonight," he chuckled, spraying on some cologne and then heading for the door to his apartment.
"Not so fast, creep," muttered a familiar voice. "Or should that be Creeper?"
Jack turned slowly around to see a figure hidden in the shadows. "Um…I think you must be mistaking me for someone else," he said, slowly. "I'm Jack Ryder, a perfectly normal reporter with no secret identity whatsoever…"
"C'mon, that crap excuse didn't work for Clark Kent, and it won't work for you," said the figure, as he stepped out of the shadows and into the light.
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Jack, looking around desperately for something to defend himself with. "Look, Mr. Joker, I know you're probably upset I published that photo of you cheating on your girlfriend, but it was just business, you know, nothing personal…I don't judge you for it or anything…"
"Oh, I kinda think you do," said Joker, smiling at him. "I kinda think you have a thing for my girlfriend, don't you, Creeper?"
"I…don't know what you mean by that," stammered Jack. "I don't know what you're talking about, in fact…"
"How do you activate it?" interrupted Joker. "Is there a certain emotion you have to feel in order for the freak to manifest itself? Like anger in the Hulk?"
"What's the Hulk?" asked Jack, confused.
Joker snapped his fingers. "No, I got it!" he said. "I know what'll trigger it if anything will. Harley, can you be a dear and come on in here?"
"Sure thing, puddin'!" said Harley, as she climbed in through the window. Or at least, she attempted to, but she got caught halfway because of her difficulty in squeezing her breasts through. Joker had to tug her the rest of the way, pulling her free suddenly so she landed on top of him. Jack saw her and her modified appearance, and his eyes popped. And then he choked, falling to his knees, as his skin slowly began to turn yellow, and his hair green.
"Woah, Momma!" exclaimed the Creeper, beaming up at Harley. "I used to think you couldn't get any hotter, baby, but just take a look at those jugs!"
"Yeah, nothing brings out the creeps like a gal with big boobs," sighed Harley. "Why doncha come take a closer look at them?" she purred, beckoning him. Creeper eagerly obeyed, and that was when Harley kicked him hard in the jaw, and then slammed her hammer across his face.
"Here you go, puddin', take your shot!" she said, tossing her hammer at Joker, who seized it and clubbed Creeper in the back of the skull.
"Your turn, Harl!" he said, slamming the hammer into Creeper's body and sending him flying toward her. Harley jumped, kicking him in the chest, and then attempted to flip in the air so she would land with her fist in his face. Unfortunately, her new body weighed a lot more than she was used to, and she only succeeded in hitting herself in the face with her breasts, and then landing flat on the ground, cupping her nose in pain.
"I hate these stupid things!" she sobbed. "They're throwing off all my acrobatic training!"
"Well, you're the only one who hates 'em!" said Creeper, who didn't seem at all fazed by the beating. "I think they're incredible!"
"Yeah, well, they're not yours, pal!" snapped Joker, grabbing him by the collar. "And they're not gonna be Harley's for much longer, but I needed you to see her like this so you can retract your stupid story!"
"What stupid story?" asked Creeper, puzzled.
"The one where you accused me of cheating on Harley!" snapped Joker. "Because as you can see, the woman I was with was Harley! But because we don't want the public at large knowing about this little incident, you're gonna publicly admit that you made up that story, and that you doctored those photos, or Harley and I are gonna finish Valentine's Day by murdering a reporter and his ridiculous secret identity along with him!"
"But J-man, look at it from my point of view," said Creeper. "If I say I made it up, I'll never work in this town again. I'll lose everything – my job and my reputation…"
"I hate to break it to you, pal, but those things are gonna be lost anyway if I tell everyone that you're the less scary but more crazy-in-a-lame-way version of me!" snapped Joker. "Especially when they find out about your repeated yet unwanted advances toward Harley. It's not a good climate for public figures who don't respect women at the moment, you know. But it's your choice, Jack. You can choose not to obey me, and I'll break your secret identity to the world right after I break your spine, or you can choose to obey me, and live to creep another day. What do you say, sport?"
"I'm thinking," said Creeper. "It's hard for me, you know."
"Fine, you think – I'll do some crunches to prepare for spine snapping," said Joker. "I'm no Bane, but I think you'll find me equal to the task – let me just get in a more comfortable position," he said, putting his arm around Creeper's neck, so that his body was bent back. "Harley and I have already had sex a few times today, but watching me break somebody's spine is really gonna get her in the mood again, isn't it, pooh?"
"Do it slowly, puddin'," purred Harley, licking her lips. "I wanna hear each vertebrae snap one by one…"
"All right, I give!" exclaimed Creeper, as Joker began pressing down on his spine. "I'll say…I made a mistake, and apologize! Public figures do that all the time and it doesn't seem to hurt their reputations!"
"Good man!" exclaimed Joker, releasing him. "I'll expect to read your retraction in the paper tomorrow just as prominently as this story was displayed, or an anonymous tip is going to be sent to the Gotham Gazette informing them that their reporter Jack Ryder is also the Creeper, notorious sexual harasser. You won't last a day with that kinda record in this environment, pal. Now you go out there and have a happy Valentine's Day, and remember, if a gal says no, it means no!" he chuckled, dusting him off. "C'mon, Harl, our work here is done."
Creeper stared after them, as he slowly turned back into Jack Ryder. "Great," he muttered. "The scoop of the century I have to retract it. Oh well," he sighed, heading back to the mirror to examine his face and hoping he didn't look too beat up. "Knowing my luck, something else is bound to come along soon. But right now, I'm just gonna enjoy my date with a nice, normal girl for Valentine's Day. I should probably call her and tell her I'm running late," he said, taking out his phone. "Blind dates usually aren't my thing, but something about this Mary Dahl just seems promising…"