Sam was beginning to lose track of how many ways he had said to Dean, "Please don't do this. Please don't leave me." They were on the road trip from hell, towing Dean's death box behind the Impala. Sam had agreed to not try to talk Dean out of his plan. But he couldn't help it sometimes. "There has to be another way." Dean always shut him down, eyes steely with resolve. Sam felt like he was imploding, crumbling from the inside out. The only part of him that wasn't shattered completely was the part Dean could see. The brave face he wore as a mask while his heart was being torn away. Didn't Dean know that he would rather die than have his brother leave him?
They had been silent for a long time in the Impala when Dean's voice broke through the tense air filling the car between them. "You ever think about when we were kids?"
"Maybe, sure, sometimes," Sam stammered. "Why?"
Dean hesitated. "I know I wasn't always the greatest brother to you."
Sam scowled. What?
"Dean," Sam said, looking at his brother. "You were the one who was always there for me. The only one. I mean, you practically raised me."
"I know things got dicey," Dean said, apparently ignoring Sam's comment. "Y'know, with Dad. The way he was. And I just… I didn't always look out for you the way that I should've."
Sam practically flinched at Dean's words. Of course he knew what Dean was talking about. That night at the motel all those years ago. When Dean had found him with a bruised cheek and the remnants of tears streaked down his face. Dean had left Sam that day. It hadn't been the first time. But that time when Dean left, their dad had hurt Sam in drunken anger.
Now Dean was leaving him again. Sam wasn't sure he could survive another hit without his brother.
"I had my own stuff, y'know," Dean continued. "In order to keep the peace, it probably looked like I took his side quite a bit. Sometimes when I was - when I was away… you know it wasn't because I just ran out, right?"
Sam looked away, confusion wrinkling his brow.
"Dad would… He would send me away when I really pissed him off. I think you knew that."
Dad sent Dean away? Sam's mind was reeling. He felt emotion welling up in his throat. He wasn't strong enough to think about a revelation from their childhood. Not with Dean's death looming in front of him. "Man, I left that behind a long time ago. I had to." How dare Dean even bring this up right now? Now. When he was going to leave Sam by choice. "But if we're going to get through this, I have to do like you said and try to keep my mind off where we're going. So if we could not have conversations that sound like deathbed apologies, I would really appreciate it." He let out a stuttering laugh around the lump in his throat.
"Right," Dean replied. "Yeah."