CHAPTER SIX: Gamble
"Life is a gamble, at terrible odds – if it was a bet you wouldn't take it. – Tom Stoppard"
Weeks-end came a lot sooner than she would have liked, JJ thought as she stood over her ready bag, collecting and packing her clothes. She couldn't help but feel a little apprehensive at the upcoming trip.
Ever since that second night; where she'd held a grieving Spencer Reid as he cried for all the losses he'd sustained in his short but difficult life, the two hadn't been apart for more than a matter of minutes.
When they'd woken up the morning after Spence's matronly confession, the future had seemed so bright. They'd enjoyed a serene walk through North Versailles, before heading towards Caliban Books, which was just outside of the city itself. JJ swore she'd never seen the brown-haired genius so excited; the musty smells from old books must have been euphoric for someone that could read a two-thousand-page book in less than an hour.
When he'd found one book in particular, JJ winced at the five hundred dollar price tag. Spence took one look at it, and requested that it be wrapped, paying for the well-worn title with something akin to awe in his looks.
"Margery Kempe," he said a minute later, "My mom's favorite."
Somehow, in the weeks since the tragedy of Boston, and their subsequent vacation, the two had grown a connection of untold strength. They were connected by something; a deep, thriving, compulsion. To be honest, it scared her to death.
Now, they were headed to Las Vegas! The city that made marriage feels like a cheap, meaningless thrill. All the while, she cursed herself for the feelings coursing through her.
She wanted to bed Spencer Reid, wanted to make him hers, in a deep, final way to ensure he never again looked toward another woman. She wanted to hold him closely at night, and to have him hold her as he had everyday the past week.
Her clothes packed, she looked around her childhood room. Her apprehension had exploded the second after she'd picked up her ready bag, and placed it upon her shoulder. What was going on with her?
"Jennifer," her mom's voice caught her attention. She looked up, and wasn't surprised to see her mom standing at her open door, a look of worry on her knowing face. "Are you going to be alright?"
"Mom," she whispered suddenly bereft. She could feel her hand shaking, and could feel the fear traveling up her spine. She was terrified!
"Jenny," her mom said her voice softening as she moved close enough to wrap her in an embracing hug, as if she didn't want someone overhearing her next words. "You don't have to go."
"I…" JJ began, pausing. "I think that I do."
"Dear," her mom said knowingly. "You're completely terrified. I'm sure if you explain that too your young man he will understand."
"That…" JJ said taking a shaky breath, "No he won't. Spence is… he's different mom. He would see through any lie I told him, if I were even tempted to try, and he wouldn't understand that I'm terrified of what's happening between us. He'd see it as another person abandoning him, when they promised him that they'd stand by him, and I won't do that too him."
"It's not your responsibility to mother him, dear. He's a grown man," her mom said soothingly.
"I don't want to mother him, mom," JJ said sarcastically. Her mom's eyes widened and she took a step back, as if burned.
"When did this happen," her mom asked. JJ winced, knowing what her mom was asking, but not sure how to answer her. She looked up and said, "I wish I knew."
"So you have to go then," her mom said. The finality in her voice startled JJ. She could hear the tears in her mom's voice. She took a deep breath, evening out her breath to steady her nerves.
"Yeah," JJ said quietly. "I need to be there. I can't explain why, but it's important he know I'm not going to abandon him, mom. I…" she couldn't say what she wanted so desperately to say next.
"I know dear," her mom said.
"JJ," Spence's voice came from behind the door, as he knocked twice on the wooden doorframe. She jerked her eyes wide as she looked at her mom. Her mom smiled at her, and said, "Good luck, dear."
"I'm coming Spence," she said giddily, trying to disguise the apprehension in her voice with anticipation. Spence looked at her, his eyes scanning her for any last-second apprehension. She knew what he was looking for, and knew that he'd see it if she didn't get a move on, so grabbed his hand and said, "Let's go" as she pulled him towards the door.
Her dad met them as they were leaving, body striking an imposing figure as they approached.
"Spencer," her dad said as they approached, "It was very good to meet you, son. I hope you'll give your mother our best."
"Thank you, Mr. Jareau," he said quietly, taking her dad's outstretched hand. Her dad shook it quickly, before turning to her. "Jenny," her dad said pulling her into his strong embrace. "Have fun, be safe and call us when you land so that we'll know you're okay."
"I will dad," she said firmly. Her mom had followed them in, and moved beside her dad; where she was giving Spence a strong, maternal hug and wishing them the best.
They were about to leave when Spencer turned, and said, "Thank you for inviting me into your home, Mr. and Mrs. Jareau. I appreciate the warmth and hospitality you've shown me, a perfect stranger. Please know that you'll always be in my thoughts, and that I was, and am, honored to know you."
Her parents nodded at him, and before he turned her dad, who had never allowed anyone the privilege said, "You may call me James, Spencer."
"And I'm Jessica," her mom said. "You've proven yourself to be a polite young man, its only right we return the honor you've given us."
Spence nodded again. Then, to her shock he turned to her. "JJ," he said, "If you want to stay with your parents, I would more than understand."
He was giving her an out, she knew. She could see in his eyes that he expected her to take it.
"Nonsense," she said, "My parents are probably tired of having us here, anyways, Spence."
Her dad went to retort, but she heard her mom elbow him.
"Okay," he said. She took his hand again, and before he could press the issue pulled him away from the house. She did not intend to change her mind, or to allow her mind to be changed, no matter how frightened she was. With that, she opened the driver's side of her car and said, "Where are we leaving from?"
The flight leaves at six o'clock this evening from Washington Dulles International Airport," Spence told her calmly. "If we leave now, we will have at least two hours to grab extra clothing and personal items from our apartments before the flight leaves. I converted my single seat too two seats on a later flight."
JJ nodded, and said, "Alright Spence."
The drive back to Quantico was surprisingly light. The tense, grief-laden atmosphere that had awoken in JJ in the wee hours of the morning had almost disappeared. Yet, as they appeared closer and closer to the city, she could almost feel her young genius withdrawing into himself again. She frowned, wondering what was causing him so much distress.
"Spence?" she asked quietly as they pulled into his building's assigned parking spot. He looked at her, his eyes questioning her as she smiled lightly.
"I'm nervous, JJ," he said equally quietly. She nodded, encouraging him to continue his train of thought. "Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're coming with me! I'm just scared that mom's not going to be herself and…" he trailed off. She sighed, and nodded, unshed tears moistening her eyes as she forced his chin up to look at her.
"Spence, I promise you that I am going to be there with you. Nothing your mom says or does will scare me off. You've given me ample warning of how she is with her schizophrenia, and so I'm as prepared as I can be."
He smiled at her, and nodded his head. She could see the confusion in his eyes.
She knew what he wanted to ask, but was too scared to know the answer.
"I'll be back to go with you to the airport in about an hour, Spence. I need to go to my apartment and restock my ready bag. Do you want to get lunch before the flight, or wait and risk the in-flight meal?"
Spence shuddered at the thought and said, "I'd like to get lunch, if you're up to it, JJ."
She smiled at him, and said, "that's what we'll do then. I'll see you when I get back."
He nodded.
She rushed home, eager to get back before he got the bright idea of going without her. She knew it was a risk to leave the young genius, he was bone-chillingly terrified that his mom was going to ruin whatever was going on between the two of them. She rushed inside the moment she got there, and hurriedly repacked her ready bag with a clean set of clothes. She set her dirty clothes in the hamper, and quickly checked her answering machine.
The only significant calls were from Morgan and Penelope Garcia, both wondering where she'd wandered off too; if she was with the junior G-man (Garcia's words, JJ noted), and when she was going to be home.
She called Garcia on the way out of the apartment, telling her that she, and by proxy Spence, had been at her parents house in Pennsylvania, and that they were going too his home town. Garcia immediately wanted to know all the details, but she brushed her off, telling the tech analyst that she'd know all once they returned.
Garcia thanked her profusely and told her that Derek was already on his way over to see Spence that he was at her apartment when JJ had called and left the moment she knew they were back. JJ rolled her eyes, and thanked her for the honesty and told her that she'd call back later.
Hanging up, she was no more out the door when her phone rang again. She looked down and laughed.
"Hey Spence," she said automatically.
"JJ," Spencer's voice said, cracking slightly, "Did you have a creepy message from Garcia ordering you to call her when you got back on your answering machine?"
She laughed, inciting her nosy neighbor's endless curiosity as she walked down the staircase of her apartment. "I did, I also called to avoid the wrath of said technical analyst. Why?"
"Because," Spence said, "I'm suddenly afraid for my life, JJ."
She laughed, again, before warning him that Derek was on his way and that she'd be right behind him. Then, she said goodbye and started her engine. The loud roar shot a thrill up her spine, and she pulled out of the parking lot, a lot happier than she had the last time she'd exited.
When she arrived, Derek's muscle car was sitting in the visitor's parking lot. She looked at her watch, noticing that they still had a little over an hour before they needed to leave, so figured that Spence was already entertaining their friend. For a second, Spence's story of how Derek used to treat him rang through her mind, and fury rose up within her, but she suppressed it with the knowledge that Penelope Garcia had already thawed that long frozen heart.
She buzzed up to his apartment. Immediately, the signal to unlock was sent through and she entered. Once she arrived at the correct door, she knocked and entered when she heard Morgan's teasingly flirtatious voice say, "Come in hot stuff!"
She briefly wondered if he was expecting Garcia too rush over, but ignored the thought in favor of actually going inside.
"JJ," Derek's surprise stopped her cold. She looked at Spence, who was struggling not to say something, when Derek laughed and said, "I'm just messing with you. Pretty boy tells me that the two of you have spent the last week together. Something you want to tell me?"
"Nothing happened," Spence told him exasperatingly. JJ saw Derek roll his eyes, looking at Spence like he would an UNSUB that was being particularly trying. She knew Spence caught the look, by the way his face contorted, but she couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation.
"We have," she agreed. Derek smiled, and said, "That's the spirit, Pretty boy. I knew you had it in you!"
"Derek," Spence protested, "Nothing happened. I just met JJ's parents, and she's going home with me too meet my mom!"
She wondered if Spence realized how that sounded? Looking at him, she could tell he thought he was just stating a fact, not declaring his untold love for her, but Morgan didn't see the look and did take it the wrong way.
"Meeting the parents, JJ? I didn't even know you two were dating, let alone too that stage yet. Is that why you stayed with her at the hospital, Pretty boy? Hoping you'd get some fine loving?"
Reid sighed again, shooting Derek with a glare that could melt lead. She laughed again, unable to resist.
"Spence, we need to leave in an hour, if we're going to catch the flight."
Spence nodded to her and said, "Morgan, I really need to get my ready bag put together, so would you mind letting me go, please?"
Derek released him, and smiled. When he left, though, Derek turned to her, his expression set.
"Do you have any idea how he feels for you, JJ?"
She shook her head, not knowing, but not wanting too. If he wanted her, she knew she'd go to him in an instant. If he didn't, she had no clue how she'd handle the rejection. Apparently, Morgan saw it, though, and said, "If you're starting to feel even half of what he's been feeling since the day he met you, JJ, then I say go for it."
Her eyes widened at the implication.
"What are you two talking about?" Spence said as he re-entered the room, his ready bag on his shoulder. It was a skill any and all of them had, the ability to unpack and repack in less than five minutes, since sometimes they had less than that before a case came in and they were recalled to duty.
"A bit of this, a little of that," Morgan said automatically. She looked at Spence, wondering if she'd see the feelings that Morgan said were there, but noticed that he had his mask in place already. She knew why, now that he'd shared that part of his life with her, but it still hurt too see it in action. "So, Pretty boy, where are you and the beautiful Agent Jareau heading this week?"
"Vegas," Reid said, ignoring Morgan's wide-eyed look as he turned to her. She shook her head, knowing what the man was thinking. "Not for that reason," she told him, incase he misinterpreted her meaning. "Spence was born and raised in Las Vegas."
Morgan's speculative eye turned back to her young genius and said, "That's why you always beat me at poker, isn't it?"
Reid smiled at him, shrugged and said, "Possibly."
"I will get you back for that, youngster," Derek menacingly uttered, though the smile on his face negated the 'righteous anger' their teammate was expressing. JJ laughed when Reid's face paled a bit, and turned to give him a dirty look.
Then, the blushing genius excused himself; ostensibly, to use the bathroom before they left for their trip, claiming that airplane bathrooms were 'unnecessarily unsanitary'.
"Derek," JJ softly muttered as soon as he was out of hearing range gaining the well-built Supervisory Special Agent's attention.
"What's up JJ," he said equally quietly.
"Spence told my family about the first time you met Garcia, and how you used to treat him."
Derek winced slightly, and she saw tears in the older man's eyes.
"I don't think he's ever thought about saying it, we both know how socially awkward he is, but I want you to know that he forgives you. He may not even realize it, but he told us that he silently thanks Garcia everyday for pulling the real you out. I'm letting you know so that you can forgive yourself."
Derek looked at her, examining her sincerity. She looked him in the eye, not blinking, while he did so. When he softly smiled at her, he nodded and said, "I wasn't good to him when he first joined. I think that's why I'm always trying to make it up to him. I- I'm not proud of who I was then, JJ."
She nodded. "He also made clear that you're one of his best friends, so that has to mean something."
He smiled this time, relief easily evident on his face.
"Thank you for telling me," he said a few minutes before Spence re-entered the living room. To her shock, Derek stood up when Spence entered and gave her young genius a large hug, and told him that he was sorry.
Spence looked at him, confusion on his face. She watched him look at Morgan, and watched him connect the dots between her and the hug he was currently receiving. Then, red-faced, Spence returned the hug and said, "I forgave you for that a long time ago, Derek."
Derek looked at him and said, "And I didn't, and don't, deserve it."
"That was and is my decision," he told the older agent before turning to JJ and asking, "How did that even get brought up?"
"I brought it up," JJ admitted, "because Derek needed to know you forgave him."
Spence looked at her, studying JJ for a few seconds, when he said, "is this an ongoing lesson on protocols for social interactions?"
She nodded, biting her lip for a few seconds, "if you want to see it that way, yes."
"What are you two talking about," Derek asked as he sat back down. She looked at her watch, and noticed that it was still about five minutes before they had to leave. She looked at Spence, not wanting to disrespect his privacy again, relieved when he smiled at her.
"When we got to my parent's house, Spence asked me what the protocol for meeting your friend's parents was. I explained it to him, and he took to it as a duck takes to water. When I realized…" she trailed off, not wanting to reveal that Spence had taught her a bit of profiling.
"When you realized that I'd never actually verbalized that I'd forgiven Derek," Spence took up her thoughts, causing Derek's mind to catch them, he was a great profiler himself. "You wanted to make sure that I could forgive myself, as Pretty boy had."
She nodded. "Its part of what makes my job difficult, I always have to untangle bureaucratic knots, so this was something I was happy to do."
"You'd make a great profiler," Derek admitted a few seconds later. She smiled, begging Spence to keep the knowledge of their secret sessions to himself. He nodded just briefly, and said, "I'd hate to run you out, Derek, but we need to leave? Can you make sure my apartment is locked up when you leave?"
"I can stay," Derek asked surprised. Spence looked at him, and slowly nodded his head. "I trust you, Derek, and have no problem with you being in my home while I'm not here. You're more than welcome… anytime."
Derek nodded again, and this time said, "You're growing into a fine young man, Pretty boy."
Spence, she noticed, was beaming.
They were almost out of the door, when Derek's voice came too them. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"
Spence looked at her, confusion on his face, as he said in an overdramatic manner, "That doesn't cover much, does it?"
JJ erupted in laughter, as she shook her head in amusement. They heard Derek, who must have been standing at the door listening, bark in laughter.
"No, I don't think it does, Spence."
The drive out of Quantico was silent, taking Spence's older car instead of her newer one, a few minutes later. JJ noticed that the closer they drove too the airport, the more nervous Spence became. Soon, his leg was pivoting and he was twiddling his thumbs."
"It's going to be okay, Spence," she told him softly.
"How can you be so sure?" her nervously asked her. "What if mom doesn't know who I am? Alternatively, how will you react if mom turns her rage onto you? I-I don't know what to expect."
"If she doesn't know who you are, Spence, we'll sit with her like students, letting her lecture on random, inconsequential things. If she screams those horrible things, then I'll hug you and let you cry on my shoulder when we leave. I won't," she took a breath knowing that he was going to read into what she said next, "I won't take them personally. You need to trust me; I won't turn and run away from your mom, Spence."
She felt his eyes studying her, and she could feel her heart racing as his eyes penetrated to her very soul. Finally, gently, his hand fell onto her arm and JJ felt his thumb rubbing circles. Goosebumps trailed where the warmth of his skin touched the warmth of hers.
"Thank you JJ," he said quietly. "I'm sorry I'm so nervous."
"Don't be, Spence," she told him equally quiet.
They arrived too the airport, the silence around them comforting. They were two hours early for their flight; logistically they had arrived in enough time to process through.
The lines were moving slowly; however, as they moved towards the checkpoint, both pulled out their badges, and concealed carry permits. The security officers nodded them through, and told them to have a good day. When they later arrived too the boarding line for their flight, the security guard there noticed their guns right away, showing a diligence that JJ was impressed with, and was about to pull his gun when they both opened their badges again.
The guard relaxed, and allowed them into the passenger's area, where they walked over too the refreshment area. Spence grabbed a couple cans of soda, Coca Cola for him, a Diet Pepsi for her and two hamburgers.
They were sat at a table, eating, when another officer entered, accompanying a handcuffed man who was cursing and threatening the man, his family and every other aspect of the officer's life.
JJ looked at Spence, who was studying the scene before them. She could tell he was examining the probability of having to involve himself in the escalating problem. The U.S. Marshall tried to get the prisoner to quiet down, as he approached the line for early boarding.
She sighed as she noticed Spence stand, and stood herself. They moved in behind the Marshall, who was forcing the prisoner to face forward, and showed him their badges without speaking. He relaxed slightly, and nodded quietly, thanking them.
When they were waved through, the Marshall had cuffed the prisoner to the seat in front of him. He was already explaining directly that there was no chance of being kicked off the plane as he was in federal custody. He was also heavily implying that the offender's attitude would cause him more problems, if he didn't get himself under control.
The jailed prisoner quieted immediately, as the Marshall silently thanked them for their support.
The flight was underway half an hour later. Thankfully, JJ noticed, there didn't seem to be any other problems with the prisoner.
"So," she said about thirty minutes into the flight, "Other than seeing your mom, are you going to do anything else while we're in Vegas?"
"I'm planning on hitting the casinos," Spence told her, "Bennington only allows a maximum of four hours per day per patient, because most of the patients there are; like my mother, dangerous if agitated."
She smiled, "Maybe I'll see the genius in action?"
He laughed, causing JJ's heart to race as she settled back in her seat, resting her head on his shoulder, as she closed her eyes.
"Sometimes," JJ said before falling asleep, "I miss using the jet when we have to fly commercially."
"We get so used to the privacy that it's hard to acclimatize to having so many other people around." Spence agreed, watching the other passengers as they went about their various businesses. She watched his eyes scanning the passengers visible from where they were sitting, profiling them out of habit. She noticed him watching for various signs, and tales, trying to see if there was any trouble going on around them.
He settled back, seconds later, having concluded that none of the people around them; at least, were dangerous to them or anyone else on the plane.
Not able to fight the desire anymore, JJ's eyes closed as she fell into a deep, comforting sleep. She didn't notice when Spence wrapped his arm across her shoulders, and pulled her deeply into his side.
She awoke, probably two hours later, covered in a thin, blue blanket. She noticed that Spence had earphones in, connected to the console above him. She noticed that he was staring ahead to a screen that was playing what seemed to be the fourth Harry Potter movie. She felt his arm move behind her, and her eyes widened as she turned to feel her head against his shoulder, a blush coming to her face as she realized the position her body was in.
"JJ," he said quietly, "How do you feel?"
"I'm good," she told him equally quiet, "I'm sorry I fell asleep."
"Don't be," her young genius said to her, "in a way, your body is still recovering from it's ordeal last week. I'm just glad you're comfortable enough around me you can fall asleep."
She smiled at him, and her hand moved down to cover his, as she said, "You make me feel safe, Doctor Reid."
Spence's eyes widened, and she could almost visualize his mind working to connect the dots she'd scattered around. Seconds passed in uncomfortable silence, before slowly, a deep; maroon blush erupted on his face. Spence looked at their connected hands, then too her knowing gaze.
"JJ," he whispered, his breath hitching as he studied her silently. "Please…" he pleaded.
She locked her gaze to his, and tried to impress upon him the seriousness of her conviction. She felt his eyes on hers, felt her being opening to him unlike any other person she'd ever known.
"Why now," he asked her. She took a deep breath, knowing the question was coming. She could feel him inspecting her every nuance, looking for the slightest indication of untruth.
"Because," she paused for a second, her mind racing over the events that led them here. Boston, and all of the horrible repercussions in its aftermath. Her stay in the hospital, and her constant companion. The stay with her parents, when her feelings for her young genius evolved.
"Because, when I think about all the sorrows we've been through since Adrian Bale, when I see what our inactivity and hesitance cost us, not only as a team but on a personal level, I know that I cannot hesitate with what I want. Not…" she paused, "Not if it is truly important. Not if you," she took a deep breath, "Not if you are as vitally important to me as I'm becoming to realize."
He stared at her. She stared back, begging with her eyes that he would see the truth they contain. He released her hand, and for a second her stomach clenched in his rejection of her. Then, like a floodgate, his hand cupped her face and she leaned into him.
"I've been infatuated since the day we first met, JJ," he whispered softly. Her heart raced as he leaned in. "But," he said. Agonizing pain shot up her spine, "But, I need to know… I need to know that you're not saying this out of some obligation. I need to know that this isn't some type of transference; that our constant presence around the other hasn't caused this change in our friendship. I could allow myself to fall in love with you, so easily, that it would make the speed of light seem like a snails-pace. But not if; in the proverbial morning, you decide it was all a mistake."
She studied him now, her eyes searching his, seeking validation. She pulled away from his hand, ignoring the people around them, and pulled him into a searing kiss. She pleaded to every deity in existence to have him respond, not knowing what would happen to them if he did not.
Her heart raced, as she felt his hand again cup her face. His lips trembled below hers, and she could feel tears, real tears, flowing down his face. She wanted to leap for joy, wanted to scream it from the rooftop of the tallest building.
When the kiss ended, after what seemed an eternity, she could see his brain had shut down to process all that had just happened. She grabbed his hand, missing the constant contact they'd shared, as she watched his mind at work.
She noticed, funnily enough, that his body worked on autopilot when his mind was at work. The stewardess had announced their imminent arrival, and then the process of debarking had began, all the while Spence was working through what had just happened.
They were already on the ground, walking too the rental car Spence had called ahead to have on standby, when his mind disengaged and he looked around.
"Welcome back," she said lightly, hoping that he'd come to a positive conclusion about their relationship.
"Thank you," Spence said. "Are you aware that only thirty percent of office romances actually succeed, JJ?"
She sighed, and pulled into the parking lot of a local restaurant. A good thing about their work, she supposed, was that it took them all over.
"I wasn't," she said honestly, "Are you saying you don't want to risk it?"
"Not at all," he assured her, "I'm just afraid."
She nodded, "I am too. I'm terrified of being rejected, Spence."
"I-" he paused, "I could never reject you, JJ. Not if what you're saying is true. Because the way I feel for you, the way you make me feel, is the most wonderful feeling I've ever experienced. I'd like to try, if you're serious about me."
She smiled.
"You've got to know when to hold'em, know when to fold'em, know when to walk away, know when to run. – Kenny Rogers, The Gambler"