CHAPTER SEVEN: Pain

"History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again. – Maya Angelou"

The house they arrived outside of, just after dusk that night, JJ would later admit, was not what she expected. It was two stories, tan and white, and obviously well maintained though no one lived here. The outside was landscaped, with new shrubbery lining the fence at the backyard, where a barbeque pit was set up. A sprinkler system was set up, watering the yard.

"Do you keep water on?" she asked.

"And electricity," he confirmed. "I don't often stay here, but since I'm not here to actually use any utilities, the bills aren't outrageously high, so I keep them on for when I am here. I own the house, well… technically my mom owns it but I have her power of attorney so it's in my name. I don't have cable, or the internet hooked up, but I do have a selection of movies and a television. There are four rooms, two bathrooms. We'll have to go to the grocery store if we decide too cook while we're here, but I usually just order takeout."

She nodded.

"Come in," he said as he pushed the door open. "There's a safe in the master bedroom for our sidearm, I had it installed the first time I came here after I joined the BAU. The combination is 79-14-30-55, which was the amount of time that passed before the job brought me to Las Vegas. Seventy-nine days, fourteen hours, thirty minutes and fifty-five seconds.

JJ smiled, as she entered the house, a staircase stood to the left immediately upon entry. Straight ahead, led into the dining room, and the living room was too her right.

"It's beautiful," she said. "It's hard to imagine this is where you grew up."

"It is," Spence told her. "It was originally in my father's name, but a few weeks after he left us, my mom received the deed to the house and the land; transferred into her name along with a bank account number that had half the money from their joint account, and a considerable amount more. They never actually divorced," he said to her, "So every month, mom's bank account is automatically deposited about nine-thousand dollars. I think, somewhere, he still sees her as his responsibility."

"Wow," JJ said.

"JJ," Spence said a second later. She looked at him, and was surprised to feel his lips touch hers, an arc of electricity travelling up her spine.

"I needed to know," Spence told her, a soft smile on his face as he looked at her, his hand again cupping her cheek. She leaned in, looking into his brown eyes, and said, "And now?"

"Now," Spence said, "I do. JJ, would you be my girlfriend?"

She giggled, a soft smile coming to her face as she locked her gaze to his. In response, she pushed closer to him, her knees automatically moving to straddle his lap, as she locked her lips to his.

"I thought you'd never ask," she said.

The kiss was intense. It was all consuming, and it was all too brief. She could feel the way his body was reacting to hers, and she could feel her own reacting in response. She moved her body closer, conformed so tightly to his that air wouldn't be able to squeeze through.

She could feel his hands roaming her back, pulling her deeper into him, as her lips again connected to his. Her hair feel, from the arc of her head, to land over them.

His left hand moved automatically, sweeping the hair from her eyes, as he said, "This is all my dreams come true. I'm afraid I'm going to wake up in the morning, and it will have all been a delusion my mind created."

She smiled.

"Are you comfortable?" JJ asked him. He nodded.

"Then sleep," she told him, her lips covering his again. "And in the morning, when you wake up; I'll still be here, in your arms, like I have been for the past week. And tomorrow, you'll introduce me to your mother, and we'll do this again tomorrow night."

Spence nodded, and his hand reached down to his side. He pulled the release for the footstool, and reclined the seat back. JJ's head came to rest, ear pressed, against his heart. The steady thump of his heart beating luring her to sleep in ways Scheherazade never would.

Spencer Reid was up first, in the early hours of the next morning. A lightweight pressed against every inch of his body. He could feel his morning erection pressing against, and into, something that offered equal resistance. His hands were full of something wonderfully silky, and he could feel an even, deep breath on his neck.

His eyes shot open, though that was the only part of him that reacted. His memories of the last night shot through his mind, and his eyes met the face of the beautiful creature adorning him.

She was even more beautiful than he ever remembered. Which, considering his memory, was saying something.

His hand came up, his fingers lightly running up and down her cheek, as he felt tears beginning to leak from his eyes. This was all he'd ever dared let himself dream about, and it was exhilarating.

Statistics flew through his mind at the speed of thought. Prevalent in his mind, one he'd already shared with the woman sleeping atop him. Thirty percent of all workplace relationships result in marriage. The disparity, in his mind, was enormous. There was a seventy percent chance, in his mind, that their relationship would fail. Would the risk of ending their friendship be worth it, if every night this beautiful woman slept in his arms?

The answer came to him as quickly as Hermann von Helmholtz said it would; a resounding yes.

He didn't move, the warmth between them enough to lure him back into a deep sleep.

When JJ next woke, the sun had just risen over the horizon. There was a resounding throb coming from underneath her, and her bleary eyes could make out the silhouette of a man's face. What had woken her?

She stood, hearing a slam coming from the front door. She frowned, her eyes focusing on the male underneath her, wondering for just a second where she was.

It came back to her in an instant.

"Spence," she said softly, wishing for a moment that someone wasn't knocking on her boyfriend's door so early in the morning.

"Spence," she said again, lightly kissing his lips as she urged him to wake up. She didn't want to leave him until she'd fulfilled her promise from the night before, wanted him to know; absolutely, that there was no regret this morning.

His eyes opened slowly, bleary-eyed. She watched him wake up, amazed at how his body reacted to new stimuli.

"JJ," he said, his mouth suddenly dry. There was no sudden awkwardness, as there had been the first time they'd woken in each other's arms.

"No regrets," she whispered to him, her eyes locked on his.

The knocking at the door had increased now, coming so hard that she was afraid the door was going to splinter.

"Is that someone breaking my door down," Spence asked, his brain not fully functional yet. She knew it wouldn't be until he'd had at least a cup of coffee-flavored sugar.

"Yes, and they sound agitated. I wanted to sleep some more, before we woke up this morning, but…" she said silently apologizing. Spence looked at her, and his hand cupped her face, neither wanting to ruin the moment between them.

"JJ," he said. She rolled off him, kissing him lightly as she did so. He stood, and reached down with his hand. She smiled, amused. Glad that he was so comfortable with her around that he wanted to touch her.

They walked to the door, thankful that they'd never actually made it too the master bedroom, their sidearm's still sitting in their holsters. She grabbed hers, and stood too his side as Spencer opened the door.

"Can I help you officer," Spence asked as he motioned for her too put the gun away. She did so.

"We had a report of an unknown vehicle in the area, sir. Can you show me some ID?"

Spence nodded, and went to pull his badge out of his back pocket, when the officer saw his gun. JJ went for hers, on instinct, when Spencer said, "Officer, I'm reaching into my back pocket to pull out a badge. It has a concealed carry permit attached. Below that will be my driver's license."

The officer nodded, but kept his gun out. Spence flipped the badge open.

"The neighbor's say that this house belongs to Diana Reid, and that it has been abandoned for two years. How do you know her?"

"She's my mother. I have power of attorney paperwork showing that the house is legally in my name in a safe. Do you need to see it?"

The officer, who had put his gun away when he learned that Spence was FBI, shook his head. "No, but if you don't mind my asking, why did it take so long to answer the door?"

"WE were sleeping," JJ cut in.

His eyes widened, and he said, "I apologize for the inconvenience, Agents. After the recent gang activity a couple of streets over, we've increased the patrols. Are you in town on duty?"

"No," JJ said calming down, "We're actually on vacation, which is why we were so annoyed at being woken up."

"I understand. I'm Officer Carey Mahoney, yes my parents were fans of Police Academy, no I'm not sure what it says about my psyche and yes, I'm sorry for disturbing you."

Wishing him a good day, JJ closed the door and said, "That was exciting."

Spence looked at her, and said, "Not really. What does his parents being fans of the police academy have to do with his name?"

She wanted to laugh at her young genius, thinking he was being sarcastic. Then, a conversation from a few months ago came to her mind.

"JJ," Derek's smooth, baritone voice came to her as they boarded the plane after a grueling case in Seattle, Washington, "A little birdie tells me that you were Sleepless in Seattle last night. I didn't take you for a Tom Hanks kind of gal."

She laughed. After they had wrapped up the case; Jill, Sarah, Monica and she had went to the local Blockbuster, and grabbed a movie each. She'd grabbed Sleepless in Seattle, Jill chose The Lake House, Sarah took Hitch and Monica Something's Gotta Give.

"I too had a difficult time sleeping last night," Spencer Reid, a young genius that was ninety-nine times out of a hundred the smartest person in a room, said from across the plane. "It was exacerbating, because usually I can fall asleep easily at night."

"That's not what I was talking about, Pretty boy," Derek said, laughing.

"It isn't? Then why did JJ agree with you? Did you actually sleep well, JJ?"

"I don't think he's kidding," Mark said to Hotch, while Abraham and Andrew laughed over a game of Chess.

She shared a look, finally fighting down the invading blush Derek Morgan caused. "It's the name of a movie, Spencer. It's the tale of a recently-widowed man who loses his wife, and whose son calls a radio talk show in an attempt to find his dad a partner."

"That doesn't make sense," Spencer said to them, "seventeen percent of all adult abductions are stranger abductions. That's why blind dates are inherently dangerous!"

"It's not meant to be taken so seriously, Doctor Reid," Monica said haughtily, her voice containing a laugh. "It's just a feel good movie about true-love."

Spencer sighed, "It's just not logical."

"You'll have to watch it with us," JJ said, "we'll return the movie too our local store, and they'll ship it back."

"Is that legal," Derek asked, looking at her. She nodded, "I also have a by-mail subscription, so long as the store participates in the exchange program, they have to honor it."

Derek nodded.

She felt the tears come to her eyes almost immediately, the pain from losing so many of her friends, family, raw. Boston was only a matter of months after that. Never again would Jill, Sarah, Monica and she rent romantic comedies and stay up all night, trying to erase the pictures and images of their most recent case from their minds.

"Police Academy," she said, her voice cracking as she remembered her fallen family, "is the name of a Steve Guttenberg movie about a petty thief that is railroaded into joining the police force. He has to go through the police academy, or face jail time, and he cannot quit under any circumstances. The main characters name is Carey Mahoney, which is why the officer said what he did."

Spence looked at her and nodded, which was considerably better than his last reaction, she thought.

"Thank you for telling me, JJ. I really appreciate it."

She smiled, and raised her arms to encircle him. "You're welcome, Spence. Now," she said, "I really need to use the bathroom, and take a shower."

He blushed and nodded. "The master bathroom is upstairs, off the master bedroom. It has a large sit-down bathtub. The auxiliary bathroom is located down the hall and too the right," he said pointing in the other direction. "Both should contain everything you need."

She nodded, and grabbed her ready bag off the coffee table. She looked at Spence, kissed him and said, "I'll be right back."

He nodded. "JJ," he said quickly before she walked away.

She turned again.

"Would you like to get breakfast before we go see my mom? Or would you prefer to eat afterwards?"

"Before," she said, "That way we won't leave for lunch, and then we can go directly to the store to buy things for dinner. Alright?"

He nodded, happily, taking the stairs two at a time.

After what seemed like a short shower, but was about twenty minutes, JJ stepped out dressed and refreshed. Her hair was dried, and she was debating on whether or not she should even bother taking her sidearm.

Finally deciding to leave it, she walked into the first bedroom she came too, and placed her ready bag on the bed inside. The room was beautiful, JJ noticed immediately. The walls were a sharp magenta, and the furniture was redwood, creating a thick contrast. The ceiling, a bright white, offered the needed amount of light.

When she exited, JJ wasn't surprised to see Spence already there, his badge in his pocket. She didn't see his sidearm, so went upstairs too the master bedroom, where the safe was already open, and placed her weapon inside, closed and locked the door.

Entering the living room, again, she took his outstretched hand, glad that he'd come to readily accept that touching her was not only allowed but anticipated, she took it and pulled body closer too his, her head resting on his shoulder.

The drive to Bennington was tense, and the closer they were too arriving, Spence became more and more agitated. She could see that he was nervous about her reaction to his mom, but knew that he was even more nervous about the adverse reaction his mom may have. She wished she could reassure him, but knew that until he'd seen the results for himself, that Spencer Reid was going to be as hardheaded as every other male she'd ever known.

The hospital wasn't what she expected. It was two stories, and from the side they'd drove in on, looked to have about fifty rooms on the first floor alone. She got out, and met him in front, grabbing his hand as she again laid her head on his shoulder. When she felt his shoulder's slump, she sighed and turned, and wrapped her arms around him, and pulled him forward, so he was leaning directly upon her.

He was slightly heavier than she anticipated, but she knew she could easily shoulder his weight, as she whispered sweet nothings too him.

"Thanks JJ," he said softly a few minutes later, "Let's go before I lose my nerve."

She smiled at him, her eyes meeting his.

"There's one more thing you need to know before you meet my mom," he said just before they made it to the front door. She looked at him, and could see a slight blush on face.

"As you know, she's a paranoid schizophrenic. One of her paranoid delusions involves government officials spying on her. She knows that I'm in the FBI, and on some days that's enough for her to hate me. So, if for any reason she starts calling me a government pig, I need you too not say anything, because she's in a delusion."

JJ nodded, not bothering to mention the irony in the situation. She just grabbed his hand, and said, "Come on, Doctor Reid."

He smiled and pressed in a five number combination, which caused a sound to chime inside.

"Spencer Reid," a voice came over the intercom to their right.

"Yes, plus one," Spence said immediately, "we're here to see my mother, Diana Reid."

"Very well, Doctor Reid," the voice said, "You'll need to sign in at admitting before we can allow you back."

"Thank you," he said, as an alarm came from the door, and Spence pulled the door open.

"Every family is assigned a five-number combination that triggers a command on a central computer. That command alerts the on-duty nurse, and triggers your specific file which shows the patient you are here to see, and whether or not that patient is allowed visitors on the given day. That we got in means that it's probably a good day. But," he told her, "It can turn into a bad one quickly."

JJ nodded.

"Doctor Reid," a man said, "Are you here to see your mother?"

"I am, Doctor Thompson. How is she?"

"Your mother is doing well. She's been responding well to her medication, so we haven't had to increase it in a while. She'll be thrilled to see you."

"Thank you, Doctor. This is my colleague, and recently my girlfriend Jennifer Jareau. I've written about her to mom, so I was hoping that I could introduce them."

"We'll need to see how she reacts, but I don't see a problem in trying, Doctor Reid."

"Thank you," Spence said happily. "Is she in the common area, or in her room?"

"She's been cooped in her room for the past couple of days, she was recovering from the flu last week and her body is having a problem adjusting. It's nothing to be concerned about, but I'm sure that seeing you will raise her spirits."

"Thank you," Spence said again. JJ smiled as he held his head up, and moved quickly.

"Are you ready for this," he asked one last time before knocking. She nodded.

"Enter," a strong, steady voice came from the other side of the door. Spence took a deep breath, and turned the knob.

"Spencer!" Diana's voice shouted as soon as the young genius entered his mom's room. "Come in."

"Hey mom," Spence said moving over to his mom, and reaching down. She had never seen him move with such precision, so sure of what he was doing as he wrapped his arms around his bedridden mother.

"And who is this, Spencer?"

"Mom, this is my girlfriend, Jennifer. I wrote about her in my letters to you. She collected butterflies as a child."

"Oh yes," Diana said, "it's very good to meet you, Jennifer. Spencer has led me to believe you are a member of his round table?"

"Yes ma'am," JJ said. "I've worked with him for year now. It's good to meet you too, Mrs. Reid."

"Spencer," her mom said, "How long have you been dating this fair maiden?"

"Officially, about thirteen hours now, mom."

JJ smiled, another tear coming to her eye as she watched the mother and son catch up.

"You're not eating enough dear, are you still drinking too much coffee?"

"You don't know the half of it," JJ said smiling. "Our teammates have started to call what he drinks coffee-flavored sugar."

Diana looked at her, and JJ nervously waited for the woman to acknowledge her.

"I've always told him that he drinks too much of that. So, Jennifer, where did you go to college?"

"I went to Penn State University," she said. "I majored in communication science."

"And where are you from, dear?"

"North Versailles, Pennsylvania. It's a suburb of Pittsburgh. As a matter of fact, Spence and I were there just last week."

"What does she mean by that, Spencer?" Diana's mood shifted suddenly. JJ's eyes widened and she looked at Spence, who looked resigned.

"It was an unplanned detour, mom," he said. "I was planning on coming by myself to see you, but JJ ended up in the hospital, and as she's my friend, I stayed with her while she recovered."

"Okay," her mood returned to as it had been before. JJ looked confused for a second, but Spence just shook his head a bit, not enough for his mom to notice.

They talked well into the afternoon, about anything and everything under the sun. JJ learned that, at one point, Diana Reid had been a professor of fifteenth century literature, and that William Reid, Spence's father, was a tenured lawyer with his own letterhead.

Then she saw first hand, a volatile shift in the woman's personality. It was subtle, but the more Spence talked about JJ, Diana's eyes would narrow just a bit more. His hand never left hers, though, JJ noticed. She swore she could feel the support he was siphoning off from her, as she felt him return it three-fold.

Four hours later, Doctor Thompson came in with a tray of pills, and told Spence that the two of them had to leave. She saw his shoulders fall as his mom reached around and gave him a hug.

"I'll be back to see you tomorrow, mom. I love you."

"I love you too, Spencer. You make me proud."

He smiled, but JJ could tell, the pride in his eyes didn't mask the pain.

Diana then stood, walked over to her and wrapped her in a slight hug.

"Thank you for being there for my son, Jennifer. It's an honor to meet you."

"It's an honor to meet you too, Mrs. Reid. Is it alright if I come with Spence tomorrow, to see you?"

"I would be delighted!" Diana said, hugging her one final time.

They moved to the door, as Doctor Thompson was having her take her pills, as Spence waved goodbye to his mom; tears flowing down his face. JJ wanted to cry at the dejection on her young genius' face.

They walked hand-in-hand out of the hospital, Spence quiet the whole way through. She sighed as they stepped into the Las Vegas heat.

"Spence?" she asked, calling his attention. He looked at her, and it broke her heart to see the tears silently streaking down his face.

"Was this a good visit, or a bad one?" she asked, locking her gaze to his. He wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "It was one of the better ones I've had. Usually," he sighed, "Usually she can't keep it together as well as she did today. I'm not sure if it was your presence that helped hold her attention, but I'm thankful for it all the same, JJ."

She smiled, her heart leaping at the admission. His heart was still pained, but at least she could help it heal. That small mercy, she knew, would help her to teach him that everything was going to be all right; even if he didn't think so.

Their trip to the super market was over extremely quickly. Neither felt the need to take their time. As they arrived back to the Reid estate, Spence looked at her and smiled, a genuine smile, which filled her with an unexpected glee.

"JJ," he said, breaking the quiet that moved in since they'd entered the house. They were in the oft unused kitchen, moving about like they had so many times on their cases.

"Yes Spence," she said, putting the knife down she'd used to dice some tomatoes for the salad she was making.

"I really appreciate what you've done for me. I know that mom scared you today, I caught her breaks, and tried to talk her through them, but all the same it could have ended a lot worse than it did."

She sighed, wondering when he'd get it through his thick skull that she cared about him, and that she'd help him through this regardless of whether or not they were dating.

"You are important to me, Spencer Reid. You have been my best friend, you are my boyfriend, and you may be something more, someday. I'd have helped you, regardless, before we dated. Now? Now, you'd have to pry me away with the Jaws of Life."

He nodded, as they took their plates of food into the living room, ate in comfortable silence.

"Do we have any plans for the rest of the day?" she asked a few minutes after settling their stomachs. He shook his head. "No, well at least I don't. If you want to go somewhere, I'd be more than open to it."

She shook her head, and leaned backwards. She grabbed his arm, and placed it around her shoulder, non-verbally letting him know it was okay to touch her. She so wanted to bed him, wanted to make him hers.

Forever…

But, she knew, his mind would never accept moving so quickly. He'd shut down, afraid that he was in a schizophrenic break. They'd have to move at his pace, which for once, wasn't a frightening concept.

They talked about nothing, and everything. JJ told him her hopes for the future, about wanting a family someday. She knew that he'd known about the nightmares she'd been having, and knew that he would always be there to listen to her, should she but ask.

"Spence," she said.

"Yeah JJ?" he asked, turning to her, his eyes glazing over as he looked at the pain suddenly etched onto her glorious face.

"Promise me that you're going to be careful, that you won't… that we won't end up like Monica and the others, alone with no one to miss them? Please," she begged. "I- I couldn't stand the thought of l-losing you after what we-we've gained."

"I wish more than anything that I could, JJ. There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not thankful you're in my life. I'm so thankful that you accept me. That you would deign to date me, considering what you know of my family and genetics, proves beyond rhyme or reason that your heart is as open as I've always expected. But, you know as well as I do that our line of work is almost impossible to predict.

I never…" he paused, wincing. "I never expected to lose our teammates, never thought I would miss Monica's haughty attitude towards genius Doctor Spencer Reid, or that I would yearn for Abraham and Mark to teach me about the wonder's I've missed in life. I hate that our jobs could cost us so much, JJ. But, I know beyond all measure, beyond all rhyme or reason, without any doubt, that if something were to happen and I lost you, then I would be no better off than my mom. I can't remember a time I've felt more complete.

I'll always miss our teammates. I'll always regret that they died, and that we lived. But, I know with absolute certainty, that I cannot, I will not, live without you."

JJ's eyes were wide, and she didn't bother wiping the tears that his words caused. To know that she held his heart, fragile as it were, gave her a feeling of power that she'd never expected. To know, beyond measure, that he reciprocated the feelings that lay just beyond her surface, filled her with glee she never expected.

To know, however, that their happiness came about because of the tragic leanings of a psychopath, made her sick. She promised herself, she would never forget, never allow her feelings for her young genius to dissipate. She would not let her team, her family, be forgotten. Not now, not ever.

The pain, she resolved, would always be there, if that meant that her love for her young genius would never tarnish.

As she fell asleep, straddling her young genius with her ear pressed against his chest as she had the night before, she silently thanked her lost family for guiding them along this path. She begged their forgiveness, for finding happiness through the tragedy, but promised them that her memories of them would live forever.

"We all know pain doesn't exist without some coexisting depression. – Jerry Hall"

"Achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life, and that happiness, not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of your moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of your loyalty to the achievement of your values. – Ayn Rand"