CHAPTER EIGHT: Eyes
"Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant? – Henry David Thoreau"
It was such an amazing, yet frightening, event. It was their third visit with Diana Reid, the third day of their trip to Las Vegas, and she'd never been more shocked in her life.
The day had started off so well. She had awoken in her boyfriends arms, laying side-by-side on the queen-sized bed in the upstairs master bedroom. They'd fixed breakfast, together, and then separated to their separate bathrooms though, JJ admitted, she'd have preferred to share.
When they'd arrived this morning, Spence's mom had welcomed them with open arms, a large photo album on her lap. JJ had sat beside her young genius' equally clever mother, and started to flip through the book as Diana explained every little detail she could remember of the events in question.
Then, JJ admitted to herself, she made a mistake. She reached forward, touching the picture of a twelve year old Spencer Reid, dressed in a cap and gown, holding his first diploma.
And in that instant; the warm, friendly mother was gone.
"Who are you, and what are you doing in my room," the harsh voice beside her spat out. JJ's eyes widened and she jumped away, as Spencer moved.
"Mom," her young genius moved.
"Oh, it's my worthless traitor of a child! What do you want, Spencer, and who is this harlot you've brought?"
She flinched, though she remembered that Spence had warned this could happen. She hadn't wanted to see it. She hadn't wanted Spence to have to experience it. She watched, as his shoulders tightened, and he said, "Mother, this is Jennifer Jareau. I wanted to introduce you, because we're dating."
She hadn't wanted to move, shocked that he'd used her full name with such despondency.
"Oh, Jennifer is it," the woman sitting before her spat, none of the warmth she'd once been welcomed with in the mother's voice. JJ couldn't believe that, in less than five minutes that same woman was sitting beside her, showing her pictures of her son.
"The same Jennifer you work with? Another government pig! How dare you bring that harlot anywhere near me, Spencer William Reid! Why would I care that you're dating, that you're ruining your life even more than you've ruined mine! I told you the last time I saw you that I wanted you nowhere near me, you traitor! And you," she spat, her eyes reflecting an anger that JJ had never expected, "My pictures are none of yours, or the governments, business!"
The door behind them cracked open, and two orderlies approached as Doctor Thompson entered.
"Diana," the man said softly, "it's Doctor Thompson."
"I know who you are, you piece of shit! I want out of this hellhole, and I want my traitorous son to burn in hell!"
Doctor Thompson sighed, and too her shock he said, "I had no idea he was here, Diana. Do you want these nice orderlies to get him out of here?"
"Yes!" the woman said, "At last, someone who understands! Get that traytour out of my sight!"
"Alright, Diana," the doctor said, jerking his head towards Spencer and she. The orderlies approached them, their shoulders straight, though she could see the apologies on their faces. She grabbed her boyfriend's hand, and turned with him, as they both stepped out of the doorway. Doctor Thompson came out a few minutes later, his face indicating that he was sorry that had happened.
"I'm sorry Doctor Reid," Doctor Thompson said quietly so that his mom couldn't hear. "Your mom has reverted to another of her personalities, and it seems to be a prolonged shift because her medication is not working to revert. You know that what she just said, that isn't really what your mother thinks?"
"Isn't it," Spencer said, the tears in his voice breaking her heart. JJ didn't know what to do, so choose to place her hand upon his arm and rub.
She could feel how tense he was, and knew that it was just his way of dealing with the hurt that his mom's condition caused him.
"No, Spencer," the man said firmly, "That is not how your mother really feels about you. You can see it in the way she acts when she receives your daily letters. She so looks forward to your next adventure, that she reads them to us. The majority of the time, your mom is the woman you sat with yesterday, and the day before. That is not your mother. That," he said pointing too the room where Diana Reid was still yelling hateful, and hurtful things, "is not your mother."
"I think this is my fault, Doctor Thompson," she said softly. The Doctor shot her a look, which she winced at. "Mrs. Reid was showing me a picture of Spence's high-school graduation, and I touched it. As soon as…" she saw the understanding look in his eyes, "I'm so sorry Spence."
"It isn't your fault," Spence said just seconds before Doctor Thompson reiterated.
"As hard as this situation is," Doctor Thompson continued, "As much as it hurts," he said, "the smallest thing will set Diana off. Today it was the pictures. Tomorrow, it could be saying jell-o, or the color green, or any combination that you can think of. And there's no way to tell what it's going to be until it happens. You know as well as I do, Spencer," he said turning to look at her young genius, whose tears were again leaking, "that there is no sure way to prevent a schizophrenic break. Schizophrenia is a brain disorder, so until we can find a sure-fire way to stop the cause, the effects are not going to be understood."
Spence nodded, his hand clutching hers. His body was trembling from unshed tears, and for a moment JJ wondered why he let himself go through this pain.
"I'm sorry Doctor Reid," he said, "But I think it would be best for you and Agent Jareau to leave. You can try to see your mother again tomorrow, but the fact that she isn't responding to her medicine means you may not be able too."
Spence nodded, and stuffed his hands into the pockets on his sweater vest. She winced, knowing that he only did that when he was trying to block out his feelings. She pushed her arm through where his arm and his body met, and laid her head against him.
"Spence," she said, "let me have the keys, you're in no condition to drive honey."
He silently acknowledged her, handing the keys off to her with shaking hands. They were buzzed out without protest, the nurse looking at them with a knowing expression.
Stepping out into the Las Vegas sun, JJ wrapped her arms around her young genius, and softly run her right hand through his hair, as she said, "I'm sorry."
Once she began, the words seemed to flow from her lips. "This was my fault, Spence. You warned me it could happen, and I wasn't prepared. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
He cut her off, placing his finger too her lips, as he said, "This is in no way your fault, JJ. I've touched her album before, and she hasn't responded like she did today. I hate that it happened, I hate that I can't see my mom today, and may not be able too tomorrow, because of this, but I can't, I don't blame you."
She nodded, and leaned into his hand, as Spence kissed her forehead.
"I'm so sorry my mom said those things to you, JJ," he whispered.
"Don't be, Spence," she said, "You gave me ample warning about her mood changes, and so I was somewhat prepared for what happened. It was frightening," she admitted, "but not unexpected. I'm just sorry you are going through this pain, I wish I knew of a way to stop the hurt you're feeling."
Spence nodded, and said, "You're doing all you can, JJ. Just being with you… I've never had anyone with me when mom's had a schizophrenic break before. Even when the team is in town and I'm able to visit, if she does have one, I've just told the team that she's not feeling well. I appreciate you being here, so much so, JJ. This is the first, and only, time I've not felt totally alone after what just happened."
She gave him a soft smile, her face cupping his cheek, as she said, "I'm glad that I'm able to help, Spence."
The next couple of days after Diana's schizophrenic break were difficult, all things considered, and JJ had no idea what she was supposed to do. Spence hadn't locked himself away, or even pushed her to leave him alone, but she could tell that, especially after they'd returned only to get refused at the door, he was barely holding onto his sanity by a thread. Needless to say, he wasn't the best company to be around. He'd become moody, depressed, and though she'd seen him smile, and even though he'd kissed her more than once, she could tell that the situation with Mrs. Reid was hurting him in ways she couldn't fathom.
Doctor Thompson had been right, ultimately. When they arrived they day after, Spence had keyed in his personal identification code, Doctor Thompson had greeted them and said that Diana wasn't up for visitors at the moment. Her young genius' shoulders had slumped, and he'd asked, in a rasp, whether or not Doctor Thompson would deliver a message to his mother when she came out of her delusional state.
Doctor Thompson agreed, telling Spence that if his mom hadn't come around by the time they'd left, he'd deliver the message Spence had given him.
She nearly cried when Spence rasped out, "I love you, mom."
When Friday dawned, she woke to a grimace of pain, and a gasp for breath.
"No, mommy, please don't lock me away again! I'm not a government spy, I'm your son! I'm Spencer, Mommy! Please open the door; I'm so sorry I'm a disappointment to you."
JJ froze, a chill travelling up her spine as she felt her young genius begging his mom, his cries resounding with her soul. She couldn't imagine Spence, her Spence, feeling so helpless. She couldn't imagine a mother, even one in a schizophrenic break, locking a child away, afraid of those sworn to help you.
She sighed. Turning to her perspiring boyfriend, JJ embraced his flailing body, and did the only thing she could think of.
She hummed. Scheherazade
He calmed soon thereafter, his limbs going limp as he listened to her alto voice. She closed her eyes, and instantly images she'd envisioned days before, when Spence had told her the story behind the music, came unbidden. She could almost remember, as she lured her young genius to Morpheus' embrace, the sultry violin that represented the woman telling the stories of one-thousand and one nights.
She didn't remember when she fell asleep again, only that when she next awoke, Spence was still firmly ensconced in her arms. Only now, he was facing her, and his arm had wrapped around her, and was holding her snugly against him. She could feel the evidence of his arousal.
Softly, she slid nails down his cheek, smiling at the contented look on his face and cursing the world that would soon bid him good morrow. She watched him, content just to be in his embrace. And gradually, as if he knew she was watching, his eyes opened.
There was an instant between them, the look in his eyes sending her heart racing as his left hand moved up and cupped her cheek. She hoped the moment between them would last, as she placed her hand atop his, and leaned in, her eyes locked on his. Her heart still racing, she inched closer; her breasts firm against him, as she kissed him.
He responded, the movement he made natural yet hesitant. He slid his hands to her hips, and urged her body to move with his, as he moved to lie on his back. She did, straddling him, their lips never parting.
She could feel the heat between them, feel the evidence of his arousal pressing against her core, and knew that she could get lost in this feeling. His hand slid to up her sides, to her shoulders, and down her arms; clasping her hands to his. She pushed their hands above their heads, and lay down atop him, sliding their cores together; the friction between their clothed bodies a torturous barrier.
"JJ," he whispered so softly that she felt her heart would stop. She opened her eyes again, hoping that the past five minutes hadn't been a dream. "My beautiful JJ," he said again, "any man would give the world to wake with you in his arms. What did I do to deserve such a wondrous gift?"
"You were you, Spence," she sighed. "You didn't do anything; you were just the caring, wonderful man that was there for me after… after Boston. You offered your time, your compassion, your ear. You put yourself into uncomfortable situations, and allowed me to share in yours, even though I had no right to expect it. You're open, honest, and I feel that I'm getting to know you more each and every time I talk to you."
He smiled, running his fingers over her jaw line. She could feel a searing heat where his fingers ran, and arched into his touch, wanting nothing to spoil the intimacy of the moment. He drew her closer, and when their lips met for the second time that morning, she could feel a proverbial jolt run up her spine.
And yet, he didn't push the boundaries. His hands didn't roam to those places that would make her moan, didn't rip her shirt off to access the contents beneath. He was content to simply hold her, to kiss her, for now. And, she realized that while she craved the intimacy, craved the passion, she was just as willing to be held and to be kissed. As long as he was willing to work to stretch his intimacy barriers, she was willing to wait for the day he ripped her clothes off of her in a flight of passion. The thought of that day made her smile.
They didn't fall asleep, but neither did they move to leave the bed. Comfortable with the moment neither wanted to ruin.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. She looked at him, about to ask what he'd meant, when his thumb trailed over a split in her lip.
"It wasn't your fault," she told him immediately, "you were having a nightmare. You calmed down, and it was only the one time. I promise Spence, I know there wasn't any maliciousness behind what happened; it was just an accident."
He nodded.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked tentatively. Spence shook his head, "Not now, please. It's too raw, at the moment. Can we talk about it some other time?"
She agreed.
"So, are we going to try and see your mom today?"
He winced, but nodded, his eyes haunted; the horrors of the night easily still in his mind. She could read his eyes well enough to know that he'd ran the probabilities that his mom would still be in her delusional state.
"Spence?" she asked, not wanting him to shut her out.
"JJ," he said taking a deep breath. "If… if my mom can't be seen today it's going to be a while before I can see her again, since we're leaving this afternoon."
She nodded, running her hand along her young genius' arm. She could see the pain he was in, could sense the desperation in his voice.
"Spence," she sighed. "I wish I could understand what you're feeling, honey. But, I know that I can't and that is so upsetting to me."
He kissed her again, gently. "I know, and I'm sorry I'm such a mess at the moment, JJ. I know that I'm placing a lot of pressure on your shoulders. I can't put into words how much your support means."
She smiled, her hand raking through her golden locks; content to lie in bed beside her young genius.
They lay together for twenty minutes, content too revel in the intimacy of the moment. Neither of them had any aspirations for the day ahead. After showering, JJ met her boyfriend downstairs, where he had prepared a large meal, using the last of their breakfast supplies. She could smell the delicious flavors as soon as she entered.
They ate silently, content in the impression that surrounded them. As one, they moved their plates to the kitchen, where Spence quickly did the dishes, and placed them on the counter. They grabbed their sidearms from the safe, placing them into their holsters, and grabbed their ready bags.
Spence left to turn off the circuit breaker, while she made sure all the doors and windows were locked, and a few minutes they exited the driveway.
Spence was again silent as he drove them too Bennington Sanitarium, and silent as he entered his personal identification code. A static came over the intercom, and the same voice as before said, "Spencer Reid."
"I was hoping to see my mother since we're going back to Virginia today. Is she well enough for a visit?"
"I'm sorry Doctor Reid, your mother is still in her delusional state," the nurses voice said. She could see Spence's shoulders fall, and wanted to curse the pain his mother's condition was causing him. She didn't, choosing instead to again grab his hand, and push the support he needed towards him.
"Doctor Reid," the nurse again said. JJ noticed that Spence and she had been standing there for a few minutes.
"He's just coming to terms with his mother's condition," she said a second after realizing that Spence wasn't going to answer, "This is Jennifer Jareau, his girlfriend."
"Thank you, Ms. Jareau," the nurse said a second later, "I sincerely apologize, Doctor Reid, I wish there was a way to help you."
"You're doing all you can," Spence said, his eyes clearing. "Can you please pass a message onto my mother when she recovers? Please tell her that I love her. Also," he said, "I am leaving a letter for her in the box, as well as a book that she may like. If you would make sure she gets them, it would be most appreciated."
"We will, Doctor Reid," the nurse said. Spence turned away from the intercom a minute later. She silently took the keys he offered her, and though she hated the situation, was glad for the trust he'd just placed in her.
"Spence," she said softly, "We can postpone leaving for a couple of days, if you want."
"It won't make a difference, JJ," he said softly, "breaks such as these can last for unknown periods of time. There's no way to tell when, or even if, the break will end."
"I'm sorry honey," she said softly.
"There's nothing that can be done," he said, though she could see him forcing back the tears.
Minutes passed in relative silence, as JJ ran her hand over her boyfriend's arm, attempting to sooth his razzed nerves. When she felt his body loosen, she turned the ignition, and revved the engine; pulling out of the parking lot a few minutes later.
"JJ," Spence said a few minutes into their trip.
"Yes Spence?" she questioned.
"Do you think that my mom really feels that way?"
"No," she said firmly. "From what I've seen, Diana Reid thinks the world of you. I think that's why her delusions are so powerfully negative to you, because your mom loves you just as powerfully."
She heard a sob escape him.
When they arrived too the airport, where their flight was scheduled in three hours, JJ slid across the car and kissed him before she said, "Next time we have vacation time, we'll come here again and see how that visit goes, alright?"
He nodded, and she could see could see the relief that overcame him at her words. She wondered if he was thankful that she wasn't going to abandon him after learning how badly his mother's condition could be.
They checked through baggage, processed through the secure area, and loaded the plane, again thankful that they only really had their ready bags. The flight itself didn't take long to get underway.
When the plane began taxiing down the airway, JJ could feel Spence's hand tighten on hers. She looked at him, sharing a soft smile with him, glad that he was growing more comfortable as the days went on.
"JJ," he said as the plane lifted off. She looked at him.
"Yes Spence," she said.
"I know that the last couple of days weren't all that I promised, so I just wanted to thank you for accepting everything you've seen. You have no idea how much it means to me that you've agreed to share your life with me. I don't know that I could've made it through the past couple of days without you at my side."
"I know that you usually suffer through this alone, Spence," she said softly. "You're a lot stronger than I could've ever imagined. I understand why you've hesitated in telling the others about your mom, but you may want to talk to the team about it. It may help you to talk to Hotch, or someone that really understands all the things I don't about Schizophrenia."
He nodded, "I'll think about doing that," Spence said. She nodded, understanding his hesitancy. He wasn't exactly the most sharing person she knew. He still hadn't touched her in an intimate way, though she knew that he responded to her; proof that he had feelings for her.
"Spence," she began after a few minutes of silence, "Can I ask you why your mom called you a traitor?"
He flinched, and she almost regretted bringing the subject up.
"I-" he began with a hiccup, "Just after I turned e-eighteen, I called Bennington. I told them that mom was a p-paranoid schizophrenic, and that she was becoming dangerous to herself, as well as others around her. A week later, two orderlies showed up at our door. M-mom was sitting inside of her bedroom, at this point she hadn't left the house for two weeks, and hadn't left the bed in three days, because she was sure that the government had cameras in our bathroom, and was spying on her. She looked up when I showed them in and said, 'Who are these people Spencer? They need to get out of here'
I told her that they were there to help her, and she said, 'I don't need help, Spencer. I need a son that cares about me.'
The orderlies' a-a-approached mom and each took a side. As soon as she realized they were serious, she started begging me to tell them it was a-a-all a mistake. 'Please Spencer, don't do this. I'm your mother! Don't let them take me away, Spencer!'
When they injected her that was the first time I ever remember seeing D-Diana emerge from inside of mom.
She cursed me, even as the medicine took effect of her senses. She told me that the worst mistake she'd ever made was not killing herself when she found out t-that she was p-p-pregnant."
She could hear his sobs begin, and immediately rubbed soothing circles on his back. "That night was the f-f-first time mom tried to kill herself. They told me that she'd attempted suicide by using a plastic spoon to slice into her wrist. It's been so long," he paused, "It's been so long since I saw D-D-Diana that I'd fooled myself into believing she was gone from mom's psyche."
JJ paused, the pain in her young genius' voice causing her untold pain. She continued rubbing concentric circles on his back, as he leaned his face onto her shoulder.
Neither could tell for sure when the quiet sobs turned into labored breathing, though she could feel Spence's heavy breath on her neck. Unlike the last time they were on a plane, she held him while he slept from an overly emotional week. She wondered, briefly, if it was a good sign that he so easily accepted her presence in his life.
He was always willing to touch her, and the irrational part of her mind was so afraid that he was going to blame her for his mom's drastic turn, and end things between them; determined to not let that happen, JJ contented herself with just holding her young genius.
She fell asleep soon after; her head atop his own.
When they were awoken; hours later, JJ wasn't surprised to find the plane was nearing its final destination. She instinctively looked at her watch, and noticed that it was later in the evening then when they'd left Las Vegas, and that wasn't counting in the three hours change in time that accompanied moving from East to West.
"Hey honey," she whispered as she caught him staring. He smiled.
"That's the fourth time you've called me that," he said softly. She smiled. "I hadn't even realized I'd been calling you that, Spence. Do you have a problem with it?"
"No," he assured her, "but I like it when you call me Spence too. You're the only one who does."
Her eyes widened, "Surely someone else calls you that?"
"No," he said again, "Mom calls me Spencer, as you know. Morgan has always called me "Pretty boy", and Garcia calls me Junior G-Man, which doesn't make since because I don't have a G in my name. Everyone else calls me Reid, or Doctor Reid, depending on the situation. Truth be told, I like you calling me Spence, JJ."
She smiled.
"That street can go both ways, Spence," she said softly. "You're allowed to give me a term of endearment, if you want. My mom and dad call me Jenny, or Jennifer, depending on the situation."
"I didn't want to presume," he told her. "You've already given me so much that I didn't want to press my luck."
She nodded, figuring it was something like that. She smiled, kissed him, and said, "Alright. I understand."
They debarked a few minutes after touchdown, and walked to where Spence and she had parked his car the week before. Once he'd turned the ignition, Spence smiled and said, "Do you need to go home hastily, or would you like to spend more time together?"
"How about we do both," she said silkily. He looked at her, confusion on his face, as she said, "Drop me off at my apartment, and go home, take a bath and put on something casually formal. I'll pick you up in about two hours, I just really need a shower and to put a new change of clothes on."
He nodded, turning into her apartment complex about ten minutes. She could see his confusion, as he pulled out of the parking lot after giving her a searing kiss. She smiled breathily, and then walked too her front door, slid the key in and pushed the door open. She walked to her safe, entered her combination, and placed her gun and badge inside, walked too her bathroom, and took a scalding shower.
IT was time to teach her boyfriend the benefits of a steady relationship.
She finished her shower after thirty glorious minutes, her hair clean, dried and combed, and walked, nude, to her bedroom. She walked in, automatically going to her underwear drawer, and picked out a black lingerie set she hoped he'd see tonight, but knew that he probably wouldn't… the hazards of dating a socially awkward genius.
Once she had those on, she found a pair of silk stockings, and rolled them up her legs. She walked to her closet, and smiled, pulling out a stunning black dress, and imagined Spence's reaction to her. She shimmied into her dress, loving the feel of the fabric against her ripe skin, then lightly sprayed her favorite perfume into the air, and walked through the mist, before completing the ensemble with her black heels, which accented her legs.
She could feel the tingle in her skin as she walked out of her house, anticipating every step.
She drove slowly, her window down so that the scent of her perfume wouldn't overpower the air in her car, and arrived too her boyfriend's apartment after fifteen minutes. She buzzed up, and asked him to let her in, not surprised when the door buzzed open a few minutes later, she quickly made her way to his room, hoping that he would appreciate the surprise.
She knocked lightly when she arrived outside his door, and held her breath when it opened slowly. She gasped, her breath caught, as she looked at him, as his had when he'd laid eyes on her. She could see the pain in his eyes, knew that it would never completely leave them. But, too have him look at her the way he was at this moment, she'd take his pain-filled eyes over the most handsome of men; because his eyes spoke volumes.
He had on a black, three-piece suit that looked like it was tailor made for him, instead of the sweater vest she'd expected when she'd asked him to dress casually formal.
"JJ," he whispered, "You look resplendent."
She blushed, but knew that she needed to respond. "You look absolutely ravishing, Spence. I had no idea you even had something like this."
He turned maroon, but nodded, "It was a personal present for when I'd graduated the academy. Then, I learned that the BAU didn't actually require formal attire. It's hung in the back of my closet, waiting for a special occasion. I could think of nothing more," he whispered.
She smiled, and as he offered her the nook of his arm, she entwined her arm with his.
Thirty minutes later saw them outside of a building that JJ was sure Spence had never even heard of, let alone been to. He looked distinctly uncomfortable in the ambiance of the nightclub she'd taken him too. She knew that she was pushing him, knew that her actions could irrevocably lead to him cutting all contact with her. She prayed that, instead, it would show Spence that while she was a woman, he was her man.
They cued in the line, about halfway too the front door of the DC dance clubs as she ran the tips of her fingers up his finely clothed arm. She felt him shudder, a feeling of elation passing over her at causing such a reaction in her young genius. She smiled, glad that the club was open at all.
When they finally managed to get to the head of the line, she sighed as Spence was carded and regarded with a speculative look. She heard the couple behind them laugh at her boyfriend's misfortune, and nearly turned with a scathing retort. His hand on her wrist caught her attention, and she calmed when he smiled. The bouncer seemed to finish his examination of Spence's card, and lowered the rope for them, as he told them to have a nice night.
She smiled as they entered the dance club-slash-restaurant, her hand clasping his as Spence fidgeted uncomfortably.
"Spence," she said softly. He looked at her.
"I only come here about once a month, and it's mostly to unwind. I think that we could both use a little stress relief, but if you're still uncomfortable in thirty minutes, we'll leave no protest."
He nodded, and she smiled. "Thanks Spence, I'm sorry if I'm pushing you too far."
"JJ," he responded with a soft smile, "I'm actually thankful that you're here. True, this isn't my usual setting, but I'm willing to try anything for you. That's what relationships are, aren't they?"
She nodded, "Yeah, you're right Spence."
Despite his reassurance, though, JJ was having a hard time getting him on the dance floor. They'd been here for fifteen minutes already, and she had given hints, eyed the floor, and watched the other couples dancing, but nothing. It was like he was oblivious. She knew that the biggest part of her plan was getting Spence close to her, so she went with her backup plan.
"Spence," she said sweetly, "I really want to dance with you, honey. Please?"
He groaned, but stood and held his hand too her. She smiled, and took his hand gently, and led them through the massive crowd that surrounded DJ's booth. It was an eclectic club, which meant that as long as the song in question had a good beat, it was played.
She smiled, getting into the rhythm of the music currently playing, moving her hips against her boyfriend, who was moving jerkily, unsure of what he was supposed to do. She smiled, and grabbed his arms, placing his hands on her waist, as she grinded against him, music blasting through the speakers. She could sense his hesitation, unsure of him self, and while she wished he felt confidence, she knew that this could be something that they shared.
She turned, suddenly, grinding her front against him now, as he gulped, his eyes wide. She smiled saucily at him, and ran her right hand too the back of his head, pulling his head down. She placed her lips to his ear and said, "Just move with me, Spence. Don't think, don't react. Just close your eyes and feel. Dancing is all about feeling, all about letting your emotions guide you."
He gulped again, and closed his eyes. She smiled, and took his hands, guiding them lower, off of her hips, to the outline of her hips. She smiled, watching as his eyes shot open. She could feel his arousal for her, and grinned as he paled; his eyes growing large at her response.
She thrust her hips into him, bumping and grinding him. Slowly, though he wasn't perfect with his movements, her boyfriend began feeling the rhythm of the music. She smiled, glad that he was responding so well, long past the initial thirty minutes she'd asked of him.
"JJ," he said his voice hoarse.
"Shush," she whispered, "You don't need to overanalyze this, Spence. There are no expectations, other than to get you used to the fact that I'm your girlfriend, and you're my boyfriend. You're allowed to touch me, intimately, as long as I can reciprocate."
He gulped; his Adam's-apple bobbing as he slowly nodded his head to what she was whispering.
They danced together for hours. When closing time arrived, they were one of three couples still on the floor, the others at the bar or restaurant ordering drinks. She smiled, and took his hand, turning as Spence, wide-eyed, followed her out of the building.
They arrived at her car, and she smiled. She kissed him, and this time she could feel his hesitation disappear, as he reached over and pulled her towards him. The kiss was possessive, demanding, and raw. She could feel Spence's desperation, could feel his need.
She kissed him back.
They arrived back at his apartment, and she tensed, wondering whether the night was over. She could sense his indecision, his doubt.
"JJ," he began. Her breath hitched, wondering if she'd pushed him too far, too fast. "JJ," he began again, "I don't… I don't want this night to end, but…"
And she knew. No, it wasn't too far, but it was close.
"But you're not ready for where this could ultimately end up?"
He nodded. She smiled.
"Spence, I know you're not ready for that type of intimacy, I know that tonight was so far over the top, that you're control is so close to gone; you're afraid. If you want to go inside and hold me while we sleep, I'm more than ready for that. If you want to kiss me all night long, I'm more than ready for that. I'll be ready for the day you throw me onto our bed, and claim me as yours. All I wanted to show you tonight was that it was okay to act on your thoughts and feelings. That it is always okay to touch me, and that I want to touch you too."
"But," he sighed, "But what if- what my touch repulses you, JJ?"
She grinned, "Is that what you're nervous about?"
He nodded.
She smiled, and took his hand, leading him into his dark apartment. The door was pushed open and softly closed behind them. The lights were off, save for a soft lamp that battled the inherent absence of light. She led him to his couch, and pushed him down.
"Spence," she said, "Do you trust me?"
He nodded emphatically. She smiled. "Close your eyes, honey."
He followed her instructions. "Now, don't say anything. Just feel, just react. Let your instincts help me guide you, alright."
She reached down and took his hand, turned it palm up, and kissed his pulse point. His breath hitched at the sensation. JJ then kissed the pulse point of his neck, and lightly guided her hands over his firm chest. She took his other hand, kissed the pulse point, and placed it upon her jaw line. She arched from the touch, drowning in the sensations coursing through her.
Slowly, she lowered his hand, trailing his fingers across the pulse point of her neck, each trail blazing with electricity.
She kissed his lips, her hand releasing her hold on his, running her hands over his chest, and down his sides. She picked up his hand again, and motioning for him to clench all but one of his fingers. That single finger trailed between the valleys of her breast. His breath hitched again, and for the first time, she felt him cup her.
"Spence," she whispered, ecstasy coursing through her. He almost jerked back; afraid he'd offended, but she leaned into his touch, pressing her breast more firmly into his hand. She felt her nipple harden under his ministration, as she slipped her hand to slowly unbutton his shirt.
He gasped as she grinded into him, her lips covering his, as her hair fell over them. She could feel his breath on her neck, as she worked his shirt open. Lightly, tentatively, his hand slipped underneath her dress, working it up as the silky material up and off of her body, his other hand trailing down her leg.
"Spence," she said again, her lips trailing him. She sat upon him, she knew, in only her lingerie. And the evidence of his arousal settled against her core. She so wanted to push the envelope, wanted to strip away the last vestiges of clothing between them.
The raw desire in his eyes made her melt. She felt naked underneath his watchful gaze, not merely almost naked. She noticed him looking her body over, and wondered what he was thinking.
So she asked him.
"I'm committing to memory every minute detail of your perfect body, Jennifer. This is a vision that I want to remember for the rest of my life."
Oh dear God, JJ thought. The possession reflected in him calling her by her given name nearly sent her over the edge. She felt like he was staking a claim within her, taking possession of that part of her, who would only respond to his word, to his voice. The feeling invoked by him uttering her given name, Jennifer, was something she never expected. Sure, her mom had always called her Jennifer, but never with such unmatched passion. Spencer Reid invoked that with a single utterance.
She knew that, no matter what happened, she never wanted Spence to call her Jennifer in disgust, anger, or anything else. It would break her heart.
"What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and need. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men. That is what love looks like. – Saint Augustine"