CHAPTER THIRTEEN: Family
"Cherish your human connections – your relationships with friends and family. – Barbara Bush"
April 15, 2005: 8:30AM
They woke the next morning, nestled together in each other's arms. JJ could feel the warmth between them, added to by the breath on her exposed neck and hand playing with her breast.
Her eyes fluttered open with a sensationalism that she'd never expected, and for a moment her breath was taken away as she looked into the soft eyes of her young genius. A soft flush overcame her, as she slid her body closer to him, closing the miniscule gap between their bodies.
His breath hitched, and for the second she was struck with how awe-inspiring the moment was. Lying completely vulnerable before the person you love, and who loves you back, was a moment unlike any other.
There was a tempered passion in their kiss, the moment their lips locked together; they both could tell that the kiss was more about assurance than physicality. And, to be honest, JJ was completely okay with that.
"Good morning, Spence," she said softly.
"Jennifer," he said so softly that she could feel a shiver run up her spine, "You look radiant."
She smiled. She could picture herself, sweaty and riddled with bed hair. She knew what she looked like in the mornings, and she knew that too her young genius, it didn't matter.
"What do we have planned this morning?" JJ asked after a few minutes of silence. Spence smiled and said, "I'm going to make something to take to Gideon's this afternoon. Have you ever been to his cabin?"
Shaking her head, JJ looked at him as he smiled serenely.
"I think you're going to like it," he said softly. She smiled, and hoped that she would.
When 9:00 came, she slid out of bed, kissing her boyfriend tenderly as she stepped into the cold room and headed for her bathroom. She hesitated for a second, wondering if she should invite him to share a shower with her, but decided against it for the moment.
She didn't really understand how he had so easily accepted the direction their relationship had turned. It seemed only last week that he was even hesitant to touch her anywhere other than her cheek, and twice in the last week they'd been intimate.
How was it possible that he so casually accepted a change like this? Was it the heat of the moment? Was it his imbalanced hormones overworking themselves?
She showered quickly, and sighed as she dried off, before walking too the mirror. She could see the faint outline of a scar where he'd accidentally split her lip all those weeks ago coming out of a nightmare, and could remember the horror that his eyes held as he realized what he'd done.
But, even as she looked into the eyes of her reflection, with her hair slightly damp and her face markedly red from the heat of the scalding cascades, she noticed something in her reflection that she had missed for many years.
Her eyes sparkled with happiness that she hadn't seen since the day her sister Julia gave a smaller Jennifer Jareau her most prized necklace, and told her that she loved her. That day had broken her, after all… finding your sister in her bedroom, her wrists slashed, with a suicide note detailing problems you never knew she had, would break anyone… wouldn't it?
Maybe the why didn't matter?
She exited her bathroom, and smiled as she saw Spence: a towel over his naked shoulder. Maybe, the thought came to her; maybe he just needed the assurance that she saw real distance in this relationship before he let himself go that far with her. Maybe her boyfriend had been hurt one too many times; first with his father leaving and then with having his mother committed, to fully trust someone as a relationship required. Maybe, maybe he was looking for her assurance that their relationship was going to last.
Either way, she did know that what she saw reflected back at her this morning was a far cry better than the eyes that cried out for attention, cried out for acknowledgement, cried out for love…
"Good morning honey," she said softly as she approached her boyfriend. He smiled and kissed her lightly, as he said, "Good morning Jennifer. Did you enjoy your shower?"
She nodded, a soft smile on her face as she wrapped him in her arms, and said, "I did, thank you. The shower is free if you want it."
Spence smiled, and said, "Thank you."
She smiled, and shook her head softly, chuckling as he entered the bathroom, and again started humming. When she dressed, she wondered briefly if all couples went through the same stages they were going through, or did it make it easier both sides of the relationship being equal on an intellectual level?
She barely remembered going to the closet and grabbing her own choice of clothing for him.
When Spence arrived downstairs, she had just started to make breakfast, a simple matter of pancakes, bacon and scrambled eggs, and handed her boyfriend his coffee-flavored sugar. He sighed deeply at the first sip, and stood, walking to the stove and grabbing a spatula, before smiling at her.
She idly stepped to the side, watching him as her young genius flipped the pancake she had set onto the pan only a minute before, and sighed wondering how he could manage to flip it so perfectly, but run into random objects everyday.
They didn't talk as they cooked, but in retrospect JJ would later realize, they needn't.
Once breakfast was finished, JJ placed the plates and silverware in her dishwasher, and quickly scrubbed the cast-iron frying pan that her mother had meticulously taught her to take care of in her life. She idly turned a burner on high, and set the wet pan on the stove, grabbed her can of shortening grease and applied a thin layer to the pan.
Once that was finished, she turned to her boyfriend, who had straightened up the living room in his wait and said, "I'm finished here."
He then moved back to the kitchen, a smile on his face, and rummaged through the cabinets, shelves, and below-the-stove drawer, and grabbed everything he would need, before going to the refrigerator, and grabbing items from there. Her eyes furrowed in thought, trying to figure out what her boyfriend was going to make.
About two hours later, his offering to the barbeque was finished, and Spence smiled as he placed it inside of a carefully constructed pouch of aluminum foil.
He smiled to her, and said, "Alright. Are we ready to go to Gideon's?"
JJ smiled, unable to hide her grin at the anxiousness in Spence's voice. Teasingly, she turned to him and said, "Are you saying you don't like spending time with me, Spence?"
He shook his head rapidly and said, "Of course not, Jennifer! I love every moment I spend with you… I just miss Gideon, you know?"
She nodded, and softly hugged him, deeming a kiss too intimate for the moment. She sighed as he immediately returned her hug, a far cry different from the response he gave her mother… was it really less than a month ago?
"I know you do, honey," she said softly, "And I'm sure that he's missed you too. And yes," she said, "I'm ready to go. Our ready bags are already in my car if we end up staying the night. Do you know how to get there?"
He nodded certainty in every jarring movement.
Within minutes, they were on the road. JJ was fine, the first hour into the trip. Then, to her shock, Spence ended up the leaving the city. She figured, though, that eventually they'd turn back into civilization somewhere. When they didn't, she was sure she was going to hyperventilate.
"Jennifer," Spence's voice called out too her and breaking through the fog that had surrounded her mind. She looked up at him, eyes wide, and fearful. He frowned, and to her surprise, pulled off the road, turning on the emergency lights before he said, "What's wrong, JJ?"
"Jason lives in the woods?"
Spence nodded uncertainty in the movement.
"I've never told you that I'm absolutely terrified of the woods, have I?" she asked redundantly. Spence's eyes widened and he said, "We'll turn around!"
"No!" she said as Spence went to do just that. "Spence, I'll be fine. It's just a phobia, alright?"
"JJ, if you're hylophobic, I'm sure Jason would understand. I don't want you to be uncomfortable."
She shook her head, adamantly refusing. Spence sighed and said, "Jennifer, please understand that while I love Jason like a father, you are the woman I love. If it were a choice, I'd choose you every time."
She smiled. "While that's good to know, Spence, I don't want you to have to choose. I promise I'll be fine."
Spence looked at her, studying her. She knew that he was profiling her, and it irritated her more than a bit, but it was how he dealt with uncomfortable situations.
"Spence," she said as he pulled out into the road, and continued their trek too Jason's cabin in the woods.
"Yeah JJ," he said after a few seconds.
"I really am glad you feel that way about me," she said softly. "I love you so much that sometimes it scares me. But, knowing that you feel as deeply for me as I feel for you makes the fear, the despair, and the discomfort worth everything."
Spence smiled and said, "I feel the same way."
She sighed, a soft smile coming to her face as he unknowingly reassured her.
Still, as she passed deeper into the woods, her hand inched across the divider and grasped his right hand. Spence didn't take his eyes off the road, but he did tightly wind his hand around hers.
She was relieved when they approached the cabin in the woods, not surprised to find that Jason had a gate with electronic number pad. Spence got out of the car, and walked forward. She heard a high-pitched trill, and the gate started to open as Spence got back in the car, and drove on through.
She gasped as they approached the cabin. It was large, two stories, sitting atop a large, triangular hill. The outside walls were made of red oak, and several of the doors were made of glass, that Spence told her was bulletproof. She looked up into a few trees, where Spence pointed out the cameras that Jason had installed throughout his property.
As they approached the driveway, JJ noticed that she and Spence were the last ones to arrive. Morgan was already there, his black Dodge Charger parked beside a large, hot-pink convertible that could only belong to Penelope Garcia. Beside their cars, a metallic gray mini-van that could only belong to the Hotchner's was parked. Spence smiled and pulled his car around to the side, where he parked beside a black standard-issue FBI van.
He walked around to her car door, and surprised her when he offered her his hand. A smile erupted onto her face, as she gripped his hand when a loud roar erupted behind them. Spence smiled, pulling his offering to the barbeque out of the back seat.
"What was that?"
"A bear," Spence said softly, his hand moving to cup her shoulder as she schooled her features upon approaching his front door.
"Hello Spencer, hello JJ," Gideon said taking the still wrapped food tray from them, "I'm glad you could both make it. You're the last to arrive."
"I hope we've not held you up."
"No," Jason said, "but we have let Haley snack here and there. I haven't yet started the food."
"That's good," Spence said, "It's good to be back here, Gideon."
"You're always welcome," the man smiled. "Come in, I want to introduce you to someone special to me."
Spence walked forward, his eyes scanning the room. Instantly, both knew who the older man was talking about. A red-headed woman sat on the couch beside Haley, the two in an in-depth conversation about something that was making the younger woman blush.
"Sarah," Jason said as he approached the group, "I would like you to meet Spencer Reid and Jennifer Jareau, the youngest members of our family. Spencer, JJ," he said softly, "This is Sarah Jacobs, a long-time friend of mine."
"Hello Spencer," the woman said, "Jason has told me so much about you, I feel as if I know you as well as my own children. Jennifer," the woman said, "Jason hasn't told me as much about you, but from what I do know, I believe you to be a strong, confident woman, so I'm happy to meet you too."
JJ smiled and took the woman's hand as Spence fidgeted slightly. She smiled, and nudged him to take the woman's offered hand. He did so, nervously, and stuttered, "I-it's g-good to meet you too, Sarah. Jason has told me a lot about you too."
Sarah smiled widely, and turned to their host. "I'm sure Jason's highly embellished everything."
"She is attempting to be modest," JJ whispered to her boyfriend, who was about to make a highly inappropriate, but innocent comment. He nodded, thanking JJ, while Jason struggled with not smirking, a knowing look on his face.
"You've been good for him, JJ," the man said happily. She looked, wanting to know Spence's opinion of his mentor's observation. His soft, agreeing smile was all the response her young genius gave.
Jason smiled, and excused himself, walking into his kitchen. He soon returned, a platter in his hands of various prepared meats that would soon adorn their plates and fill their bellies.
Hotch stood as Jason exited, and Morgan soon followed. Spence, she noticed, looked distinctly uncomfortable. She sighed, wondering how to explain the situation too her boyfriend. She could already see Sarah looking at him, confusion on her face, as Penelope just smiled sadly his way.
A quick assertion of anger overcame JJ, cursing William Reid for abandoning his son in such a manner.
To her relief, Morgan came in a few seconds and grabbed Spence, and chuckled. She knew, somehow, that Spence's best male friend would help him understand.
Thankfully, none of her friends bothered to ask about his hesitation. Instead, Garcia, a wicked look on her face said, "So, Jennifer Jareau, inquiring minds want to know. How far have you and the beautiful brain matter that is my junior G-man gotten?"
JJ blushed, a red tinge coming to her cheeks. "That's top secret."
Garcia huffed and said, "You're no fun, sweetcheeks! I have to live vicariously through you! Now spill, we want details!"
Haley, to her horror, set the platter of vegetables onto the coffee table, and said, "Yes JJ? Do tell? Is young Doctor Reid as beautiful under those clothes as I think he is?"
"Don't you have a husband you should be thinking about?" JJ asked. Haley just pointed at her slightly bumped stomach, and said, "How do you think I got into this situation?"
JJ thought about it, and then realized she really didn't want too. Soon, outside a radio started playing a swinging Jazz beat. JJ looked at Sarah, who chuckled slightly, "That's Jason's 'music to cook too'. He thinks that food shouldn't be eaten unless prepared with a little flare."
"Nice," Haley said, "I bet Jason's a great cook."
"He is," the oldest woman of the group said, her eyes closed in remembrance. "The first time we had a date, Jason prepared everything for a picnic in the woods behind the cabin. He has this lake that is completely sealed within his property, and we went there. I was seventeen at the time, and I thought that Jason and I would spend the rest of our lives together."
"What happened," JJ asked, softly? Sarah sighed, "Life. Jason went to war, and went MIA for about three months. In my grief, I ran away to Las Vegas, and married a guy when I was drunk. I thought," she said, "I thought we had grown to love each other. And when Jason got back, he offered us his tidings of well-being, and left. When Richard died last year, I moved to Washington D.C. to be closer to my children.
And, to my surprise, I ran into Jason again. He took one look at me, and recognized me after thirty years. It just progressed from there… it's like things never changed."
"That's so sweet," Haley said, her eyes leaking with tears. JJ reached across with a box of tissues on the stand beside her and said, "Here, sweetie. I think you're going to need these."
Haley took one, wiped her eyes again, and bawled.
They chattered on for about three hours, getting to know each other happily. By the time Jason came in; a food-covered tray carrying hamburgers, hotdogs and steaks, too their shock, Sarah Jacobs had managed to insert into their family with nary a problem.
"I hope everyone's hungry," Jason said, sitting the onto the island in his kitchen. He went to his refrigerator, and pulled out five separate packages of bread, and various condiments.
A few seconds later, Hotch came in carrying a large, five-gallon PowerAde tea dispenser. Morgan followed, two large bags of ice on his broad shoulders. Spence, here she blushed heavily, carried two more. Which had started to melt onto him, the water running down her shirt and causing said shirt to stick to his chest.
"Damn," whistled Garcia, "You are so lucky JJ!"
"Don't look at my boyfriend like that," JJ said with a large smile on her face.
"I can, right," Haley said, looking at Spence. JJ looked at Hotch, who had a stupid grin on his face.
A few second passed in complete silence, when a clinging of a glass drew their attention.
"Normally," Jason said smiling, "I'd serve wine while doing this, but as one of our members is pregnant, I'm afraid we're going to have to stick with non-alcoholic beverages while I present a toast."
The group grumbled good naturedly as Hotch kissed Haley on the side of her cheek. The woman smiled apologetically, but rubbed her baby bump and shrugged.
"To friendships, old and new, to relationships stoked and kindled, to life; both destroyed and created. To Jill who bedazzled everyone she ever knew. To Mark who never heard a joke he couldn't laugh at. To Andrew who dedicated his life to better humanity. To Sarah who never heard of the word restraint. To Abraham who always saw the best in people. To Monica who helped bring us together.
To family," the Jason finished, a soft smile on his face.
"To family!" the rest of the group echoed. With a soft smile on her face, Haley said, "gone but not forgotten."
"Not forgotten," they echoed again, Jason even raising his glass to clink with theirs. Finally, with a smile on his face, Jason smiled and said, "Thank you everyone. Please, dig in."
April 15, 2005: 6:30PM
"I'm scared of the dark," Spence said as they lay in bed that night, his voice holding a timbre of fear. She looked at him, her eyes furrowed when she heard that.
"Why?" she asked, her voice soft, as she instinctively tightened her grip on his hand. Spence took a deep breath, and she could see a tear leak out of the corner of his eye.
"If you were anyone else," he told her silently, "I'd say that it was because the dark is the inherent absence of light. But," he paused. JJ turned in his arms, placing her arm underneath her pillow as she connected her eyes with his.
"Spence?" she asked quietly, running her finger down the tear-struck cheek.
"My mom," he whispered silently. JJ's eyes widened. "What happened?"
"Sometimes," Spence said, a warble in his voice, "Sometimes, when I was younger my mom would lock me in a closet to "show the government spy its place".
Unbidden, a memory came through her haze-filled mind, of a terrified Spencer Reid pleading with his ghosts.
"No, mommy, please don't lock me away again! I'm not a government spy, I'm your son! I'm Spencer, Mommy! Please open the door; I'm so sorry I'm a disappointment to you."
"Spence," she said softly, "I know."
He looked at her, his eyes wide as a terrified as a haunted look overcame him.
"How?" he asked, "Did mom tell you?"
"No," she said, before her hand travelled to her lip, and the tear he'd inadvertently given her. His eyes trailed her hand, and then misted over.
"That night," she said, her eyes on him. "That night," she said again, "you had a horrible nightmare. You were pleading, begging your mom not to lock you away again."
He winced, his eyes wide in fear as he remembered the dream in vivid detail.
"Sometimes," he choked up as he began again, turning away from their mirrored positions, shame on his face; his eyes tear-filled. "It would begin as soon as I came in from school. She'd have had a schizophrenic break when I was at school, and forget that she had a son, or if she did remember, she'd think that I was still a baby.
The first time it happened, I thought we were playing a game… she put me in a closet, and told me it was so I could play hide-and-seek with dad, he'd left a couple of days before and I still held out hope that he'd come back.
About five hours later, when I still hadn't been released, I realized that it wasn't a game. I begged and pleaded with her to let me out of the closet. I hit against the door, over and over until I could hardly breathe, and when my energy had depleted itself, I sat down and counted the seconds and watched the sun set, to show that time was still passing.
That night, as the sun went down, I cried and cried for mom to let me out of the closet. She…" Spence choked up, "she didn't. All she did was yell that she'd teach the government spy its; not his or your, place, even if it died.
I remember the feeling of bugs crawling over my skin that night, not sure if they were poisonous spiders, or just creepy crawly roaches. And when I finally lost consciousness, I thought that I was seriously going to die in there."
She winced and leaned forward, pulling her boyfriend to her, as his choked gasps became sobs.
"The next morning, mom opened the closet to get dressed for work, and was surprised to see me in there. She woke me up, and asked what happened. I looked at her and started crying, and a horrified look came over her face. She pulled me to her, and started apologizing over and over again."
She waited.
"She promised that it would never happen again, that she'd start taking her medicine every day. I believed her, trusted her so much, JJ. And for a while, it was like old times between us. She'd call me up onto her bed, open one of her fifteenth-century literatures, and I'd fall asleep to the words of Kempe, Shakespeare, or any multitude of authors.
Then, it would happen again. She'd either forget to take her medicine, or it wouldn't get refilled, and I'd end up in the closet again."
"Spence," JJ whispered. Unwanted, images of a crying Spencer William Reid came to her mind, and she fought to see past them; the thought of her terrified young genius able to break her heart.
"I love my mom," Spence said firmly. She nodded, knowing that first hand. She could see it in the way her boyfriend looked at his mom when they went to see her. "Sometimes, though… especially growing up… sometimes I wanted to hate her."
JJ cringed. Sometimes, she realized at that moment, even she forgot that underneath his façade of invulnerability, Spence was just a human; an extremely smart, extremely undervalued human, to be sure, but still a human.
She didn't know what possessed her to ask the next question. It was like her brain putting the pieces of a puzzle together. How she had to push Spence in every aspect of their relationship. The touching, she could understand at first. He was a socially awkward thirteen year old in college. The kissing she could understand at first, he'd never had a girlfriend growing up, as the closest person to his age group was over seven years his senior. But, it was the intimacy that finally showed her something was wrong.
He had to be showed it was okay to feel normal things.
"Is that why you think you're not supposed to be loved," JJ asked? Spence looked at her, and a dark mirth came over his eyes. She froze at seeing the look in her young genius's normally warm gaze.
"That's it exactly," he said mirthlessly. "What kind of son hates his mother? What kind of son would have rather been in foster care than at home? I can't tell you how many times I nearly reported what was happening. I was in high school at the time, it wouldn't have been difficult. Or even worse, there were the times I almost run away from home, determined to let mom sink or swim. I had nearly convinced myself that I didn't care."
He couldn't hide the crack in his voice.
"What kind of person does that, JJ?" he asked with real anger in his voice. She sighed briefly, thankful that he hadn't used her real name. "What kind of son does that?"
"A scared one," she said without hesitation. He flinched back. She knew he didn't want to admit to being scared. He didn't want to admit that his biggest fear growing up was being alone, and that his fear and the knowledge Diana, his mother's malicious alter ego, lived within the woman that claimed to love him unconditionally, had set his course to forever alone.
"A scared one," she reiterated. "Spence," she said lowering her voice, though there was no need too, "Whatever you tell me here is Sacrament. The sanctity of the bedroom is one of the few places that are totally revered in relationships. Breaking the trust of the bed," she said, "Is the same as a priest going to the cops after taking confession."
He didn't bother correcting her. She'd finally gotten analogies through his head.
"I," he said pausing to clear his throat. "I," he said again, "I was scared."
She sighed. "Scared of what?"
He looked at her, and his eyes began to tear as he pulled her closer. She felt his breath on her neck. "Scared that you'd find out how bad of a person I am and leave me."
Violently, she cursed William Reid for the second time that day. Now, it all made sense. It wasn't, as she'd feared, completely his mother's doing that Spence was so afraid to love.
It was William Reid for leaving in the first place. If he hadn't left, Spence would never have been locked in that closet all night. If he hadn't left, Spence would never have known the fear of loosing his mother's mind to Schizophrenia. If he hadn't left…
But then, the thought came to her. If he hadn't left, would Spence and she have gotten together? It seemed like a bad string of circumstances had caused the course of their lives to alter together.
Would William Reid's decision to abandon his son have had a different outcome on her life?
She wasn't sure she wanted to know.
"Spence," she said softly, "I want you to know that I'm glad you're able to tell me this. I know that pushing you the other night made you uncomfortable, and I'm so sorry that happened. But," she took a deep breath, "But I love you. I know that our relationship didn't start on the best of circumstances," she admitted, "But I do. I've grown so closely to you these past few weeks that I look forward to the days now. Before, I was living night by night, nightmare by nightmare.
Now, when I dream, it's of a future of you; a future of me… a future of with us… together."
Spence nodded. "I want that dream too."
Silently, JJ stretched forward, and pressed their nude bodies together, and locked his gaze to hers. Silently, she sent her leg over him, and briefly felt his arousal at her core, before she kissed him, her eyes locked with his.
"Then take it, Spence," she said, softly. He didn't hesitate.
"All of us grow up in particular realities – a home, family, a clan, a small town, a neighborhood. Depending upon how we're brought up, we are either deeply aware of the particular reading of reality into which we are born, or we are peripherally aware of it. – Chaim Potok"