a/n: i'm quite proud of how this chapter turned out after all the trouble i had writing it up. i hope you enjoy it as much as i enjoyed writing it!

disclaimer: j.k. rowling wrote harry potter, not me. it's a touchy subject.

Chapter 4

Sirius is the name of a star system. When you stand on the top of the world and look at earth's night sky the star that stands out brightest is Sirius.

Sirius was the name of a boy that would be the brightest in his family, like the star in the middle of all the other stars. All the stars that conformed, stayed far away from what was different and were dark in comparison to "The Dog Star".

His entire family had been in Slytherin. They kept their lights dim and moody, their velvet curtains drawn. They believed in old fashioned things, dusty things, beliefs that every sensible person pushed under a couch or into the closet but the Blacks put on display. Their art wasn't exciting, it was macabre and brooding. As a child, growing up in 12 Grimmauld Place, where cobwebs were used as decoration, Sirius was always on edge. He didn't know what was behind the wardrobe, that strange thing that rattled. He didn't dare open the third drawer in father's desk, because whatever was in there growled. He didn't open the books in the back shelf of the library because there were drawings in there that made his skin crawl. Literally. Those spells were mad.

But as Sirius got older, he became curious. Curiosity was not welcome in 12 Grimmauld Place. He started asking about other Hogwarts houses. He started asking about music, art, and books. While his parents shuddered, while they snapped at him, Sirius was testing how far he could go before he crossed the line.

"What if I don't want to be in Slytherin?"

It was four weeks and three days before the first day of school.

"What if I don't want to be in Slytherin?"

He didn't have a chance to defend himself.

"What if I don't want to be in Slytherin?"

The cellar got darker every hour.

And Sirius didn't ask about anything anymore.

As the train pulled closer up to Hogwarts, the conversation brought itself to the forefront of Sirius' mind. The time in the cellar, surrounded by strange thuds, rustling in the dark. The whispers of spirits in the old townhouse curled around Sirius, too scared to cry.

He looked at his new friends-but no, they couldn't be friends. Who would want to be friends with a Black?

"Hey," he said, standing up, "I gotta go to the loo quickly. I'll be right back."

"You feeling alright, Sirius?" asked Bruce, "You don't look too hot."

"Nonsense," said Sirius quickly, "I'm fine."

Before they could ask anymore questions, he dashed out of the compartment and walked as quick as he could down the train without drawing any attention to himself. He looked over quickly and saw a boy with curly straw hair and big, green eyes reading a thick magazine about music who looked rather queasy himself. Or maybe just sad. If Sirius were a better person who also wasn't about to vomit, he might've asked if the kid was alright.

He ran up to the men's bathroom door and grabbed the knob, only for it to be locked. Probably two guys snogging, Sirius thought, pissed as all get out, don't they get that some of us need to occupy this place for important things?

He pounded on the door. "Hey, open up!" Then he had a realization. The wand. His new wand. He was a man now! With a wand!

But what was the spell? The spell for unlocking doors? Sirius had to remember, he was sure he had read it somewhere.

Then he had an epiphany. Alohomora! That's what it was! Sirius felt the bile rise up in his stomach as anxiety came crashing in more and more violently, like waves. He didn't care if someone else was in the room. He didn't care because suddenly his vision was getting blurry as the voices from the cellar started swirling around his head again.

"Alohomora," he said quietly. The door swung open and Sirius bolted inside and slammed the door shut behind him, the idea of someone else occupying the bathroom was absent from Sirius' mind now. So when he saw the small boy in the corner of the room, he could only guess how high he jumped. His eyes were shut and he whiter than the porcelain sink. Sirius had never seen someone so pale before, and never anyone skinnier either. If he had seen him from the corner of his eye, he was sure he would think there was a skeleton in the corner of the bathroom. But there were scars. Scars that Sirius couldn't even describe. He remembered the time his mother threatened to hit him with her ringed hand. The obsidian ring with the sharp edges. He wondered what kind of ring caused that scar.

Remember, dear reader, when I implied that Sirius wasn't too great a person? Well, I'm going to be honest, he wasn't. Sirius wasn't a nice person, but he had a kind heart if he ever dared let it out. And the shadows started fading away as he sat down next to the shaking boy and he quieted the voices inside his head.

"Hey," he said, "you alright?"
The boy opened his eyes. They were so blue it was jolting.

"I-"

"I'm sorry to barge in on you- I was sort of planning on doing this same thing."

The boy shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said, "I can't leave."

"What do you mean?"

The boy squeezed his eyes shut like he was willing himself away from the situation. "I don't… my… I have a… just…"

"Don't worry," said Sirius, "I get it." He smirked. "Mind if I have anxiety in here with you?"

The boy laughed, shakily. "Of course. And I won't say anything, you know."

"Thanks."

"I wouldn't want to ruin your image." And the boy grinned ever so slightly, and Sirius mirrored it.

A few moments passed where it was silent but for the rumbling of the tracks under the train wheels.

"Hey," said Sirius, "I'm just wondering, how long've you been in here?"

"A while. I'm not quite s-sure how long. I'm sorry, I can't really track time when… nevermind. Tell me where we are on the trip and maybe I'll know."

"We're maybe thirty minutes away from Hogwarts."

The boy's eyes widened. "No, you're joking."

"I'm not, how long has it been?"
"I've b-been in here for… for… the entire trip…" And before Sirius could see what was happening the boy shot up, only for his knees to buckle. His scarred hand gripped the basin of the sink so hard that veins lit up his skin.

Sirius grabbed the boy's shoulder and met his eyes. "You really meant that when you said you couldn't leave."

"It acts up when I'm stressed. It has to do with… nevermind. It… forget it. There was an accident. I was in an accident. Young was accident. Er-no. I was young. When the accident happened. That… I… I have to get back to Peter. Peter's been all alone for this whole time. I blew it, I… poor Peter! Oh my God-"

"Mate, breathe-"

"I can't believe it! Merlin, how'd that happen! I was meant to be in here for ten minutes at the most! I can't believe I just did that-"

"Calm down it's alri-"

"I'm a bad… person. I'm a person. A bad one. I'm bad, I'm bad, I'm bad, I'm bad, I'm bad I'm-"

"HEY!"

The boy shut up.

"What's your name?" asked Sirius.

"R-Remus. Remus L-L-Lupin."

"Well Remus, I've known you for an extraordinarily short time in a strange situation but I can tell you're not a bad person! Bad people don't get upset about being bad! I'm sure whoever this Peter is he's fine! He should understand, just tell him you had anxi-"

"I can't tell him that. He'll ask me what. I can't say what. I-"

"If you can't say what it is, just use the easy out. You're stressed about the first day of school. Easy. No questions asked, unless this Peter fellow is a jerk."

"No, he's not an arsehole or anything, he should understand."
"Well get your bearings and go talk to Peter. If he's good, then he has to understand."

Remus nodded, but as he shakily made to leave, Sirius stopped him.

"Sirius, Sirius Black. I get the sense you don't want to tell people about yourself. I'm fine with that, but I'm going to tell you something about me because I need to say it out loud.

"I'm Sirius Black, I hate my parents because they're awful. They say things that people shouldn't say if they're nice and actually decent human beings. Everyone in my family has been in Slytherin and everyone's turned out to be a git. I'm going to be a Gryffindor. I'm going to be brave and people are going to like me and I'm going to be happy doing it, for Merlin's sake. You just watch me do it, Remus. Just watch me."

And that was how Sirius met Remus. That was the day Remus considered the idea that maybe he wasn't a monster. Because of Sirius Black. That was the day Sirius realized that it felt good to be nice, because, believe it or not, Sirius Black wasn't raised to be nice. He was raised with the belief that being nice was being weak. You didn't succeed by being nice.

But maybe you could. Maybe there was hope that Sirius could break apart from his mother with her rings, and his father with his horrifically angry words. Because Walburga wouldn't have comforted Remus Lupin. Orion wouldn't have comforted Remus Lupin.

But Sirius did. Because Sirius was good. Sirius was the brightest star in earth's night sky, and this Sirius would be the brightest in his family.

a/n: thanks for reading! review if you feel so inclined, i really appreciate them. -cay