For You

"I'm not in love with you."

This single line had kept on repeating in my mind ever since Honoka had told them to me. It was only when she left and closed the door did my mind process everything else that happened.

I had said mean words to Honoka.

Words that I wouldn't normally say, especially to her. I had hurt Honoka. And Honoka hurt me with the words I hopelessly wish she would never say to me. Not that I didn't know them. I did, but as people would say, 'Ignorance is bliss,' and as long as she hadn't, I could at least dream that she might love me.

Yes, I'm in love with Honoka.

In the middle of my dull everyday life, Honoka came and made everything seem brighter, more colorful, vibrant. She had seen me singing a song I wrote and told me she was moved with my singing. (Even went as far as calling me cute, the nerve of that girl!) She asked me to become a school idol with her, but at the time, I didn't know her yet, so I had curtly declined.

I'm not claiming to having a bad childhood, but I've at least experienced betrayal. Or maybe that's too strong a word; I've experienced having been used. It was the typical story of how a, not to sound vain, rich girl was befriended because of her money. In retrospect, it was nothing too serious, but then as a child, that had left me dubious of people.

Then Honoka entered my life. I wouldn't say that she's befriending me out of the sole want to befriend me – she did admit that she wanted me to join her school idol group, but she had made her intention clear, and I wouldn't say that it's bad. We're living in a world where you need other people to live after all. So when she came to the music room to ask me for the third time, I wasn't as certain as I was before. But, as Nozomi had said, I wasn't honest with my feelings, so I refused her again – although, she had told me that even if I did, she'd still like to come to listen to me sing. After some thought, and Nozomi's meddl- (Put your h-hands away, Nozomi!) advice, I at least made a song out of Umi's lyrics.

The day after I sent her the song, I checked them on their practice at the local shrine. It wasn't like I wanted to see if she liked it or anything. I just wanted to make sure that Honoka did receive it – I wasn't sure if that sweets shop, Homura, really was her home. (That teacher was looking at me in a weird way, I wouldn't doubt it if she told me the wrong address!)

Thankfully, it was correct as Honoka told me that they made a recording of it and wanted me to listen. I didn't really have to, I mean, I'd still hear it during their performance after all. It's only natural that I'd watch them, it's the song I composed after all. Still, with her holding on to me, I couldn't really get away, and in the end, she succeeded in making me hear it – it was average.

"Maybe if I help her…"

The thought indeed passed by my mind, but I still wasn't sure if I should, so I stayed being a bystander. True to my thoughts, I did watch them. And I was captivated. For a moment, I wondered if this was how Honoka felt with me whenever I sang. It made me question whether the song they made me listen on her player was different from what I was hearing then.

Much like what she had told me then, their singing moved me, and she was also very cute. My eyes were glued to her the whole time, and by the time their performance had ended, I somehow stepped a bit further inside the auditorium. And then Eli (who by then I only knew as the student council president) stepped forward and interrogated them. I got a bit worried for them. Did they not get permission to use the stage? Did they do something against the rules? But when Honoka answered her question with confidence, determination, passion, and a hundred other emotions that could or couldn't have been there (darn it, stop ogling at Honoka!), I was confident then that I was in love with Honoka.

Knowing about my feelings didn't actually change me. At the end of the day, they're just my feelings for her. I still haven't decided on what I'd do with them. I thought about it during class, and the only decision I made was to at least help μ's. She cares about being a school idol, so supporting her from the back would also mean helping her. If she still wanted me to, I'd continue to compose songs for them. At least, that's what I kept on telling myself. Truth be told, if she appeared before me again and asked if I'd like to join μ's, I would say yes in a heartbeat. But she hadn't. A part of me was sad that that's all I meant to Honoka. Another part of me was mad at my self – maybe the reason why she had not asked me again to join her was because I finally drove her away.

"No, don't think that! You're not a downer. Get yourself together!"

Coming back from my thoughts, I realized two things. I was already outside school premises, which wasn't really that big of a deal – I don't think I'd be able to play something that Honoka would like anyway. And that I was holding μ's's recruitment flyer – I must've taken one sub-consciously. I guess I really couldn't fool myself.

"If only she'd ask me once more…"

I didn't want to go back to that self-depreciating thought, so I headed for my family's hospital for distraction. Upon reaching home, I heard my mom talking to someone. Asking if it was a guest, I was surprised to see a classmate of mine, Hanayo.

I wondered what it was she wanted – even if I had fallen for Honoka, it wouldn't change my skepticism against people. She handed me my ID, and asked me if I wanted to become a school idol. It seemed that she also listened to me sing, so I had let my guard down and told her a bit of myself. Even if I couldn't find a way to join Honoka, I had still decided to support μ's, so I suggested for her to join μ's herself. And, letting a bit of my intentions out, told her that I'd be helping her every now and then should she go through with it – which I did the next day when she was in doubt. I've known from class that she was shy, so I had given her a small push when I saw that she was trying to improve herself.

Maybe I wasn't really doing it to help Hanayo. Maybe at the back of my mind, deep in the scheming part of it, I had thought that bringing Hanayo to μ's's practice would allow me to see Honoka. Whatever the reason was, when Rin and I had taken Hanayo to the rooftop to ensure that she'd be joining μ's, they had also invited us to join. And although I was happy to finally have been asked again, I didn't want to look that eager; still in the end, I said yes. (Though was it really necessary for Honoka to hold Hanayo's hand for 24 seconds?!)

Practice wasn't actually difficult, Umi was just really strict about it. But it was all worth it to see Honoka smile whenever she remembered that μ's had gained more members. Although apparently there was this girl that had told her to break the group up. How dare she! I've just recently joined and now she's demanding it to be over? Moreover, she had hurt Honoka.

MY Honoka!

Honoka didn't seem to mind it though, ever the cheerful angel. I still couldn't help but worry though. What if that attacker went further with her attacks? It was a good thing that practice then was cancelled since it was raining – I didn't think that I'd be able to concentrate anyway. Besides, the attacker might not attack if we're not doing school idol-related stuff.

Her name was Nico. She's the president, and only member, of the School Idol Research club. Apparently, it was also her who had told Honoka to break μ's up – not that it actually mattered, Honoka herself had seemingly forgotten about it. Besides, we also needed to convince her of merging clubs, so we needed to gain her favor.

And she refused.

Like seriously, what's with people refusing this adorable girl? I'm not really to talk, but I'm me. I don't think that Nico's the same, so why? But then, following this pattern, she would join us soon.

Call me gay, she did.

The student council was making a video introducing the different clubs of the school, and the vice-president was interviewing the School Idol Research club, so Honoka decided to go through with a new song. While filming us practicing, Nozomi had wondered why it was Umi who was leading practice, and not Honoka. The topic of who should be the leader rose, and Nico was obviously pushing through with it – everyone else really didn't mind.

The notion was actually enticing – I wouldn't have to share Honoka with everyone. I could, and would, get her sole attention. And although I was all for it, it still surprised me that Honoka didn't mind getting replaced. I wouldn't have to worry of hurting her feelings if she did indeed want to be the leader.

It was all set, or so I thought. A first year being a leader would be awkward, so it was either Umi and Kotori, and even though I've nominated Umi, she didn't seem to want to. Kotori was still pushing for Honoka to be the leader, so we were in a stalemate. Until Nico suggested we have it like a competition, and it was then that showed how I didn't have Honoka's attention.

I was peeved and even more set into convincing Umi to be the leader. But the meeting that afternoon was just like a repeat of what happened that morning, until Honoka had suggested having none at all – that we should all simply sing together. And just like how she spoke back to Eli on their first performance, she had me captivated once more. It made me wonder if I was becoming biased with everything that had to do with Honoka. Was this the reason why love was blind? If so, I wouldn't mind being blind to Honoka's selfishness, impulsiveness, or anything bad that actually just makes her even more adorable or Honoka. (W-what are you guys smiling at?!)

"I like this side of Kayo-chin too!"

Rin said it with her arm raised to proclaim her love for her best friend, as if saying it out loud wasn't enough. In this regard, I was very jealous of my two classmates. They're able to be honest with themselves whereas I couldn't even give a single honest greeting without blowing off afterwards in one way or another. Not that I was not trying – I was; like agreeing to take a picture with a fan who had waited for me on the school gates. Though it was just reset when Rin teased me about it when I told them about it.

Speaking of which, Honoka seemed to be upset that no one had done that for her, and although I knew what being a school idol would entail, especially if we truly were becoming more popular, I was happy that nobody had asked for a personal picture with Honoka. If it came to the point when I couldn't stop it from happening, I'd at least want to be the first to take it with her. (Kotori and Umi don't count because they're childhood friends.)

Another thing that had Honoka a bit down was when we were going ask the student council for permission to join the Love Live competition. I found out once during practice that Eli was very much set out to antagonize Honoka and μ's. So I understood that she'd be nervous to ask her for permission especially for something this big. That's why I suggested that we asked the board chairman instead – we did have a relative of hers after all.

Just as we were going to ask, the student council president and vice-president appeared out of the room. Honoka froze when she was faced with Eli, so I took it for myself to speak for her. Unfortunately, it didn't do much help – Eli was very strong-willed, and Honoka was still respecting her regardless of how mean she was being towards her.

And it only went further after Eli joined μ's. After the open-house performance, it seemed that we had risen on the ranks even further – a little more and we'd be able to participate in the Love Live competition. At this, Honoka had mentioned that she could totally see why μ's had received more female votes, that it was because Eli was "tall, having long legs, and being beautiful and mature". I didn't like what she was implying. The votes we received were from girls, which were most likely because of Eli, so that would mean that Eli was what was a girl's type – something that Honoka seemed to also share!

That was why I had asked for someone's advice about it. It didn't really seem like me to do this but Honoka's worth all the effort. I didn't want to ask Umi or Kotori seeing as they're surely going to tell it to Honoka sooner or later, in one way or another. I didn't want to bother Rin and Hanayo. Besides, I would never live it down if Rin found out – she'd surely tease me all day about it. Eli and Nozomi – well, I was still wary of them to be honest, they've just recently joined after all. And even though I knew that Nozomi would give me the best advice, she's still very suspicious. If Hanayo was the most innocent or purest among us, Nozomi would be the least. (See?! Your hands just prove me more!)

Using the process of elimination, Nico was my best bet. It did help that we were left out seeing as Honoka, Umi, and Kotori were best friends, while Hanayo and Rin were childhood friends. If they were more is still up for questioning but I didn't want to ruin what they had at the moment – they could tell us more about it when they're ready. In any case, because of that, we had sort of become closer – her terrible personality prevented her from backing down once I started lashing out.

It was a friendship that worked, and I intended on making full use of it. Or at least, that was the plan, but it seemed that she already knew. I asked if I was obvious but she only said that it was because she was Nico that's why she knew – she didn't seem to want to continue so we left it at that. The conversation then became more awkward than the usual awkwardness so she went back to my feelings for Honoka. And that's when I ranted – I really didn't know how to go about it, and just simply letting it out made me feel better.

It continued that way for some time until said friendship seemed to be misunderstood as something more. It became obvious when we visited that maid café Kotori worked at as Minalinsky. As if saying, "We know so just kiss already!", Kotori sat Nico and I at a table for two, and served us this couples-only "Lovey-Dovey Tropical Fruit Shake" which I asked why she did so. I was ready to deny it but she simply waved it off. Whether or not Honoka saw, I wasn't sure, but she didn't act any stranger so she either didn't see or care; hopefully, the former.

Nico had once mentioned this, but I truly was whipped (as per her own words). One hot afternoon, as we were about to practice, Honoka suggested that we have a camping trip to the beach. The very obvious problem of her suggestion quickly arose – the budget. She had asked Kotori, and then seemed remember me (Please do so more often.) and confirmed if my family had a vacation home. After I hesitatingly agreeing to having one, she quickly clung to me, rubbing her soft, smooth face to mine and cutely pleaded.

I declined on reflex – asking for a reason why I had to. But with her adorable face very close to mine and her sweet scent covering me, declining her of her request was becoming very, very difficult to do. And when she showed me those eyes that were on the verge of releasing a dam of tears, I had to take my eyes off of her and look at the other members to not simply hug her back and assure her that I would do anything for her. My answer was something short of that, but it still made Honoka give that joyful cheer.

Being "whipped" didn't seem such a bad thing.

Really, seeing as it's really difficult for me to express myself. Even before coming to the villa, it seemed that Eli and Nozomi had planned the camping trip to also bond us in a way that's not simply μ's – a school idol group, but a group of friends too. Even more so for me. Or so I thought. When Nozomi and I had gone to the supermarket, she had offhandedly given me advice. Thinking about it carefully, I wouldn't be surprised if she also meant the advice for my feelings towards Honoka. She might seemingly be pushing Nico and I together, but at the back of my mind, I felt as if she could see something further and have my whole (love) life figured out. I just hoped that it's something I'd like.

And as much of a friend Nico was, I couldn't help but wonder if she also felt something for Honoka. It's Honoka after all – adorable, sweet, vibrant, and everything lovely. Simply put, she's Honoka. And I've noticed them getting closer too. But then again, Honoka just radiated this aura that attracted you to her, and we've known that μ's wouldn't exist or be where it was without her.

μ's was like the solar system – with Honoka as the sun, and everyone the planets revolving around. And I had wished to be Mercury – the one nearest her, if she'd let me. She had this tendency to shoulder things and overexert herself. Just like during the school festival – we had unconsciously made her bear the pressure alone, and she collapsed during the show as a result. When she was getting better, we suddenly let her know that μ's was dropping out of the competition. She was blaming herself as it was, so her heart must've broke even more when she found out that Kotori was leaving to study abroad. I couldn't even imagine what she was going through.

It had made me feel better when I found out that everyone else wanted to cheer Honoka up. A performance to also send Kotori off – the last that μ's would be complete. From my point of view, if Kotori had decided to pursue her own dreams, then who were we to stop her from doing so? That was why it came as a surprise that Honoka had still felt bad about it, and announced quitting being a school idol. Even more so when Umi slapped her as she was leaving.

Eli had felt the need to put the group on hiatus. Without our leader, she must've felt that the group would be going nowhere – even I knew that, and I didn't hold off voicing it out when Nico tried to argue. Personally, I thought Eli was right – that everyone should take the time to reflect. Even I didn't feel like playing the piano after school anymore.

With practice on hold, I had much free time to actually think about things.

I felt stupid. Or maybe that's too strong a word; just inadequate. I knew nothing about Honoka even though I claimed to loving her, even just to myself. Was being in love with her enough? At the back of my mind, I had thought that I simply had to accept whatever she decided – that all I had to do was stand by her side. But it made me question myself even more. Was I even standing beside her? Was I truly in love with her?

Did I even have the right to love her?

I felt like these weren't really the questions I had to ask myself then, that I may simply be finding an excuse for not being there for Honoka, for failing her. I knew that I was in love with her. Such things usually were not thought about. A kid might even laugh at me for thinking about something like this too deeply, but it felt like the easier question to ask, so I did. And at the end of that, the answer I had chosen to answer these silly questions was that…

I wasn't the one for Honoka – I wasn't the one she needed nor could I support her wholly. There's someone in this world better suited for her and it wasn't me. So the best that I could do was to give up my feelings for her. And as if to support my decision, Honoka cheered up to her usual self without me doing anything about it.

I guess there was one thing that I did for Honoka. If it's for her, then even giving up my feelings…

So why? She simply told me that she wasn't in love with me. Why do I feel like I'll collapse the moment I stand up? What's this heavy feeling inside my chest?

"Honoka…"

A/N: Like my usual fics, this is the standard "delusional explanation of how the ship could be canon" part of the story, from Maki's POV. I had plenty more "delusional explanations" but I got lazy to actually add them all. Besides, you guys could've known them as well - there's not point in telling you what you might know already. Hahaha.

A.A/N: The whole story was supposedly to be uploaded as a oneshot, but ffdotnet doesn't allow for double linebreaks so I separated them into chapters instead. Someone commented on one of my previous works that what I was writing felt more like a segmented oneshot than an actual multi-chapter work,(and I actually agreed) so if you also feel that now too, I'm sorry. Also, I'm sorry if there were typos or grammatical errors, my proofreader and I kind of...had a misunderstanding. But other than those, thanks for reading! :)