"All right, next question: what places do you want to avoid when taking her to a first date?"
"Let's see; loud clubs where grinding is the norm. Hot springs, which are meant to make people loosen up while feeling hot and sweaty, and expensive fancy restaurants that make it look like your trying way to hard to flaunt your money."
"Correct; and some more appropriate places?"
"A coffee shop with a balcony or patio on a nice sunny day, a carnival where you at least know how 30% of the games are rigged and therefore know which ones to steer away from, or a nice walk in the mall followed by dinner and a movie. The park is also a good choice, but only if she seems to like the outdoors otherwise it's a 50/50 chance."
"Yay you did it!" Kyu clapped before taking out an animal cracker from the box and flicking it towards me, "here, have a treat for being such a good boy."
A caught the snack in mid air before leaning down and opening the over, waving off the strong smell and heat coming from it, "I'm not a dog you know."
"Yeah no shit; I'm pretty sure a dog wouldn't have taken this long to train," she smirked while looking over my shoulder, "are you sure you're doing it right?"
"The instructions said cook it lightly for 10 minutes," I said closing the oven before checking on the potatoes.
"It doesn't look like the picture," she pointed at the image pasted next to the recipe.
"But I followed the mix just like the book said," I checked the instructions next to the stove, "no, wait, my bad. Forgot to add the peppercorns. Shit"
"Well no use adding it now. Just finish it and we'll give it a try," she shrugged, "Though you owe me a proper lunch later."
"Hey give me a break, I've been feeding you for six months straight," I scowled.
"Well you were learning how to cook for the last two months, so those don't count. I mean look at me, I'm wasting away here. This rocking body needs it's nutrients you know," she said while giving a twirl.
"Here," I tossed the animal cracker back at her, "you can always eat this."
"Very funny."
"You're a fairy, you know magic. Why don't you just magic up whatever you want to eat and let me finish here in peace?" I asked draining the water from the large pan holding the potatoes before taking them out and salting them lightly.
"Because magic doesn't work that way. Also, I'm doing this for your own good. Knowing you you would just make something "edible" and stop there. I'm here to make sure that not only do you manage to make your food good, but good enough to impress women. Do you know what it's like for girl to have a good looking guy cook a nice meal for them? That's every woman's dream after having a three-way with Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling: some R&R if you catch my drift."
"Well there's an image I did not need in my head," I muttered putting on oven mitts, "could you set up the table please? Food will be ready in a minute."
"Sure thing," she said skipping out of the kitchen.
I'm discussing three way fantasies while getting ready to serve lemon and black pepper crusted salmon to a fairy. How the fuck did my life get to this? I sighed putting the still hot tray over the oven and taking out a large plate from the pantry.
It had been roughly six months since Kyu had decided to help me fix the abominable mess that was my love life; and by that I mean six months since she decided that she was going to live with me. Yeah apparently agreeing to working with a fairy means that they need to stick around you 24/7. Which wouldn't be a problem if the apartment had more than just one bathroom with a working shower; apparently fairies don't understand—or care—the concept of locked doors.
But yeah, six months since the love fairy moved in, and it has been anything but easy. You'd think that she would just take me to a place with girls, give me instructions on what to say and not to say, and then cheer me on the sidelines. As it turns out, that is not the case. Like, at all. Having Kyu as a "dating coach" to say the least has been less like a dating simulator and more like a dating boot camp. Every day has been basically studying, going to the gym, having a healthy and proper meal (meaning cutting back on sugar and alcohol for the time being), learning whatever skill she thought would be necessary for me, and testing. Lots and lots of testing; from what gift appeals to what personality, to which pants I should never wear with a silk scarf. It has not been easy.
And yet, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't starting to see some results. I was in better shape than before (I even manage to start developing abs), and I actually did learn a few useful skills like cooking, giving a proper massage, and pretending to know about wine (which is all bullshit by the way, but people don't know that).
Putting the finishing touches on the salmon and potatoes, I picked up the platter and walked to the table where Kyu was already waiting with the table set, "here we go: lemon and black peppered salmon with potatoes on the side."
"Good. Question: in which date would this be the appropriate scenario?"
I placed the platter in the center of the table and took her plate to serve her the food, "let's see, the invitation to my place implies a more intimate and romantic setting, but it's a lunch date and I haven't set the mood. So it's either the third date before sex, or the second date after sex and becoming more comfortable with her."
"Not bad. I would have also accepted second date before sex if you did it before an even later thus implying that you are not just trying to get in her bed. Thank you," she chirped as I placed her plate in front of her and began helping myself, "and after lunch is over, what is the appropriate course of action?"
"Offer to walk her home or wherever she needs to go next. Since lunch was salmon I shouldn't try to kiss her unless she makes a move first because my breath probably smells."
"Some mouthwash can fix that, but good answer none the less," she took a bite of the salmon, "mmmm, this is actually not bad. I give it a solid 8, maybe a 9 if you hadn't forgotten about the peppercorns."
"Question: do you actually know what peppercorns taste like or are you just bull shiting?" I asked before taking a bite of the salmon.
"That's no way to talk to your teacher; but yeah, I'm pretty much just busting your balls," she stuck out her tongue.
"You little bitch..."
"Anyway, next question: what are the different traits that most women look for in a guy?"
Aw shit, not this question again I bit the inside of my cheek in annoyance. This was always the hardest part for me, since so far I hadn't manage to get the correct answers for all the traits (I always managed to mess at least one).
"Come on, I'm waiting," she smirked resting her cheek on her hand.
I sighed and concentrated as hard as I could, "the four common traits that most women tend to look for in a guy are talent, flirtation, romance, and sexuality; and while there are many other traits, those four are the ones that resonate the most with women, be it in a positive or negative way."
"Go on," she gestured.
"Talent is usually the broadest trait in terms of how many girls react to it. It's also the easiest to fake since everyone can pretend to have "some" level of talent. If, however, one doesn't want to screw up, the safest route is to actually show off the talents you have and build upon that. Like in my case I would focus on my drawing skills and my cooking, thought I would focus more on the former for the time being. A girl who is into talent enjoys fun dates, to constantly be entertained; a man who displays talent is someone whom they think will show them a good time. On the other hand, some girls find talent off putting; maybe it's because they have some sort of complex, or maybe it's because they had a bad experience. Regardless, a girl who doesn't like talent will see that guy as a narcissistic show off that is trying to flaunt how much "better" he is from everyone else, especially her."
"Flirtation is also a common trait that gets a reaction from women, but if done with moderation. It's not hard to flirt, but at the same time one could easily say or do the wrong thing, resulting in horrible results. One should always pace themselves when they flirt, because if they try to rush it they come off as desperate and cheesy. Usually the most effective ways to flirt are with small compliments every now and then, which require attention in order to notice any differences in her hair or makeup. A girl who likes flirtation does so because she appreciates the effort the guy in putting. It shows that he pays attention and is constantly trying to make her feel good about herself. However, there are many girls that don't respond well to flirtation because it makes the guy seem untrustworthy, thus his compliments seem hollow and could be directed to anyone."
"Romance is more of a minefield when it comes to women. Romantic movies have warped people's views on what is considered as "romantic" gestures, so expectations can be high; the problem is that reality almost never meets expectations. As such one should never try for grand, eloquent gestures of "romance" when they are just getting into the relationship. No open declarations of love in a stadium packed with people, no buying out billboards for special messages, no standing in the rain while holding up a boom box playing "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel. A proper romantic gesture would be a nice candlelight dinner, giving her your coat if it's too cold or raining, and letting her eat some of your fries without complaining. Girls who like romance are girls who like caring, attentive guys that enjoy—or at least pretend to—spend time with them and will try to make them feel loved without going overboard. Girls who don't tend to see "romantic guys" as a phony asshole who have watched too many romcoms and believe they are entitled to sex because they've watch "Love Actually" and tried to mimic the plot."
"Sexuality is the most dangerous of the four traits, and therefore the one that one must be extremely careful in order to apply it. There aren't as many women out there who respond positively it, but those that do it do it STRONG. They like the fact that the guy isn't afraid to be upfront with what he wants, not wasting any time beating around the bush and instead going straight for the bush. Plus, someone who employs sexuality more often than not tends to have experience to back it up. Men who employ sexuality have confidence in spades, looks and skills to back it up, and can promise—and deliver—an experience that the girl will not be forgetting any time soon. The problem, however, is that when a girl isn't into sexuality the guy can come off as creepy and borderline aggressive. So unless you want to end up on a list that will haunt you for the rest of your life, never employ sexuality if the girl is not interested. Oh, and always remember that, regardless the case, no always means no."
Kyu didn't say anything. She just sat there with her head on her hand smiling at me.
"...I fucked up didn't I?" I asked sheepishly finishing my salmon.
"Actually you got them all right."
"Wait, what?!"
"Yep, looks like you finally got it. Congratulations; I can't believe it, my little boy is all grown up," she said pretending to wipe a tear off her eye.
"Okay very funny; and please don't ever call me little boy again, because that came out creepy as fuck," I laughed grabbing both plates and taking them back to the kitchen and began washing them, "all right then, what's next? Head out to the gym for a workout or are you going to take me to a movie theater in order to show me the "best" seating area that will indirectly cause girls to sit closer for more physical contact like you did at the coffee shop?"
"Laugh it up asshole, but it works," she scowled walking into the kitchen, "especially when you go to see a horror film. A good one, not one of those shitty ones we get these days; I mean seriously, not even the Nightmare on Elm Street sequels were that cheesy."
"Hey "Unfriended" wasn't that bad."
"Sure, if you think the concept of ghost killing through facebook is scary and not completely moronic and desperately trying to be relevant."
"Remind me again why you're not a film critic?"
"And deal with thousands of whiners who claim that I either got paid off to praise something or that I'm a feminist attention seeking whore when I dislike something? No thank you, I'd rather not deal with any of the bullshit."
"All right, all right, calm down. Geez you really get worked up about that sort of stuff don't you?" I finished drying the plate and put it back on the pantry.
"Yeah well those assholes chased my favorite reviewer off the internet," she mumbled before shaking her head and changing her tune, "anyway that's not what we were talking about. We were talking about what we were doing today. Or, more specifically, what YOU'RE doing today."
"Okay, lay it on me. What next on the agenda?"
"Nothing. It's time for you to fly!"
"...what?" I turned around to face her.
"You're ready champ. I've taught you all the basics and then some. Now it's time to put everything you've learned into practice."
I swallowed nervously, "you s-sure about t-this? I-I-I mean maybe there's something else—"
"Oh no, don't you start stuttering on me again. You are ready. Now go wash up and get dressed, because today is the day you turn your life around for the better. Now let's get you ready!"
I'm actually doing this, I thought to myself as I stepped out of the shower and grabbed my towel, I can't believe I'm actually doing this...no, now is not the time to think like that. I AM doing this. I've been preparing for six months with the help of a magical pink fairy. I can win! I feel great! I CAN DO THIS!
"WHOO!" I cheered tossing the towel in the clothes hamper, "wait, why did I do that? I need to air dry that thing or else it will stay damp and get moldy," I shook my head and took the towel out before hanging it by the shower curtain.
"Anyway, time to get ready," I grabbed the pair of boxer briefs I had brought in the bathroom and put them on. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, checking myself out. Grabbing a pair of tweezers I plucked a few stray hairs from my eyebrows and cheeks, making sure that everything was even and neat. I then opened the drawer and pulled out a bottle of Proraso aftershave balm.
"Always use just enough for women to notice, but never too much that it overwhelms them," I heard Kyu's voice ring in my head as I applied just enough balm to cover the tip of my pinky. I then rubbed my hands together and lightly slapped my cheeks and neck until the balm was gone. I gave myself a quick whiff to make sure I had applied the right amount.
"Mmm, minty," I smiled at myself in the mirror.
I put the balm away and pulled out a container of American crew pomade, scooping some of it in my fingers before rubbing it thoroughly in my hands; one that was done I began tussling and ruffling my hair, going for the bedhead look that Kyu and several hair stylists had taught me over the past few months (because apparently my hair grows rather fast so I needed it trimmed every three weeks). I finally managed to get it that way I had come to like it recently: slightly messed up with the front standing up.
Now that the hard part is out of the way, let's finish this.
Stepping out of the bathroom I headed to my room and opened my dresser, going through the different dress shirts hanging before me.
Let's see what we got. White is too common, red comes off too strong for a first impression, yellows is way too casual, it's too soon for pink, not the season for brown...here we go, I pulled out a burgundy dress shirt, refined, stylish, and classy. Now we're talking.
I put on the shirt and buttoned it up to my chest, leaving the last button open to let my otherwise constricted chest breath a bit; I then meticulously rolled both sleeves until they were both at even height. I then opened the other dresser where all my pants where, immediately going for the fitted black pair. I put them on and then added a slim leather belt to hold and accentuate it.
And now for the final touch, I thought to myself, closing the dresser and opening my sock drawer. I picked out a black pair of silk socks and put them on, followed by a pair of black dress shoes with no laces. Once I was done I stood in front of the full body mirror and checked myself out to make sure everything was in place.
"Damn I look good," I growled. I walked out to the living room where Kyu was lying upside down on the couch and leafing through one of the many magazines she had raided from my stash under the bed.
"Man get a load of the legs on that bitch," she said too herself, not realizing I had walked in, "the things I would do for five minutes with her and a can of whipped cream."
"Well that train of thought has caught my attention. Care to elaborate?" I smirked leaning on the couch.
She looked up and gave me a huge shit eating grin, "helloooo there. Hubba hubba hot stuff, looking good. Burgundy shirt, tight pants, nice hair; if you weren't my client and I wasn't on the clock I would actually bang you."
"Is that because I look good or because your standards are low?" I asked coyly.
"See now that type of attitude is gonna get you laid," she laughed getting off the couch and fixing the neck of my shirt, "here, let me help you a bit. Aaaaand there."
"Thanks," I smiled at her.
"Don't sweat it, it's what I do. Now before you leave, there are two more things I need to do. First, give you this," she pulled it my phone from within her nightie dress, "introducing the latest in love fairy technology: the huniebee 4.0!"
"That's my phone," I said flatly.
"Noooo, ot was your phone but I upgraded it. Here, check it out," she said handing it over. I unlocked the screen and the first thing I noticed was that she had changed the background to pink.
"Man what is it with you and pink?"
"What, I like pink."
"More like you're obsessed with it."
"Aaaaanyway as I was saying I made a few upgrades. First of all, I switched your data plan to one that wasn't complete garbage."
"So not Verizon."
"Or any of them really. Seriously, you humans are getting just straight up ripped off by these phone companies and you just take it."
"Please, like people could actually break the oligopoly those bastards have over phone and internet service. Not even the government can do that."
"Whatever. Point is that now you're on the fairy network data plan. Infinite calls, infinite messages, and coverage throughout all known planes of existence. You could send and receive sexts from space if you wanted to."
"Yeah that's good and all but how's my Youtube speed on this new plan?"
Kyu rolled hers eyes, "ignoring the fact that you're about as dense as a brick, I have one last thing to show you," she clicked on an app icon that had a heart in the middle, opening what seemed to be an empty contact list, "once you meet a cute girl and she gives you her number, it will automatically register her in the huniebee's software."
"So you upgraded my phone by giving me a contact app?"
"Gods you can't shut up for a minute can you?" She huffed in annoyance, "here, let me show you. I'll add my number," she typed in a number into the phone and then hit the save button. Immediately the name "Kyu Sugardust" appeared at the top with a picture of Kyu next to it, "see?"
"Your last name is Sugardust?" I grinned.
"That's not important," she said quickly her cheeks turning red.
"It is to me."
"I swear to god if you laugh I'm going to punch you in the gut so hard you'll be feeling my fist inside you for a month...wow that came out wrong."
"No kidding," I chuckled, "but seriously I think it's cute. You're like Tinkerbell from Peter Pan, only not blonde and less sassy."
"Look we're running late as it is so shut up and pay attention," she tapped her name on the screen, opening a file in the screen with a full body picture of Kyu and what seemed to information about her on the side.
"Height, weight, hair and eye color, bra size, hobbies, favorite drink ...libido?! The fuck is this!?" I asked. However, before she could answer I notice a tab on the top of the screen; clicking on it replaced the information file with what appeared to be map of the city with a pink dot flashing on it, "wait...is that—"
"Yep, that's me. Not only does the Huniebee provide you with information about the girl, but it can also locate her whereabouts at any given moment."
"Lady that's called stalking, which is pretty frowned upon in the human world. This is unbelievably creepy, not to mention that it could easily land me in jail; and I'm pretty sure the "a fairy gave me this" excuse isn't going to save me."
"Chillax dude. No one can access this app except you and I. It's locked with my own magic that is designed to only grant access to you; anyone else accesses it will only open up facebook."
"That still doesn't make it any less creepy..."
"Well you can always not use it; but trust me when I say that by the end of this you'll be thanking me for giving you this little doodah."
"I'll keep that in mind," I rolled my eyes and pocketed my phone, "anything else?"
"Nope, you're all set. Just remember, if you wanna meet a hot chick, you gotta go to where the hot chicks are. I've done some scouting and I have a few ideas of where to start. It all depends on what kind of girl you want to meet. You can check the university, the mall, the gym, the park, or a nearby café. Don't worry thought; there are no wrong choices here. Now go out there and talk to so broads!" She cheered turning me around and giving me a playful slap on my ass.
All right, it's time, I thought to myself as I headed to the door, I got the skills, I got the tools (even if some of them are a bit creepy), and I got the confidence. Everything I've been working on these past few months has been leading up to this. Time to change my life around.
I grabbed the door handle.
I can do this.
I opened the door.
I can...do...this?
I stood there in front of the open doorway.
Oh god...WHAT AM I DOING?!
"Dude are you okay?" I heard Kyu asked behind me.
"NOPE. CAN'T DO IT!" I planted myself on the door and grabbed onto the doorway with both hands.
"What?! Where did that come from?! What happened to the confidence you had a minute ago?!"
I shook my head, "can't do it, gonna fuck up. Why did I agree to this?"
"Oh no you don't!" I felt the fairy push me from behind trying, and failing, to get me through the doorway, "I said, let's go talk to some broads! I did not bust my ass helping you out these past few months just for you to gel cold feet at the last minute!"
"Sorry, but I can't do it. I'm going to fuck up, I just know it," I said without budging.
"No you're not!" She suddenly appeared in front of me and began pulling my arm, "you have everything you need for a successful encounter. There is no way you aren't getting at least one phone number by the end of today, not with all the work we've put into to you. You are not that same guy I met six months ago."
"Oh please we both know that's a just a crock of shit! No matter how much I try to change I'm always going to be that same loser that no sane girl would ever come close to, much less go out with! I'm sorry you wasted your time with a hopeless case like myself, but there is no way I'm going to—MMMPH!"
I was cut off when Kyu grabbed me by the hem of my shirt and pulled in in for a kiss. My eyes went wide as I felt her tongue sliding into my mouth as she pulled me in even closer. Her eyes were closed but it was very clear that she didn't need them; she knew exactly what she was doing.
I, on the other hand, was loosing any grasp I had on reality.
Eventually she stopped and pulled away, smiling at me with her eyes half opened, "there, now that you've calm down maybe you'll listen to me."
"I-I-I...buh?"
She patted my cheek playfully, "look man, worse comes to worse you get rejected by someone you ask out. So what? We'll try again tomorrow. But trust me when I say that's not going to happen. You're going to do fine; actually no, fuck that, you're going to do great."
"...I thought you didn't mess around with your clients," I finally managed to say.
"I don't, you're the exception hot stuff," she winked.
Maybe it was what she had said, or the way she said it, or the fact that I just made out with a super hot half naked fairy, but I suddenly felt some of my confidence slowly but surely begin to come back.
"R-right. I can do this..."
"Baby steps ok? And just try to relax. Chose a location where you're bound to find someone who is not a total bitch. An easy target if you would, though it goes without saying that you shouldn't say that out loud. You can do it man. If you don't believe in yourself, which you should, believe in me and a little magic. Literally."
I swallowed and took a deep breath, "o-okay. You're right."
"I know I am."
I smiled, "wish I had some of that entitlement."
"There he is. That's the guy who's going to get some. Now, any idea where you're going to go first?"
"Yeah...yeah I do."
Author's note: okay okay, so we're three chapters and we still haven't seen anyone of the girls other than Kyu. But hey, first kiss eh? That's something. Seriously thought, how did my joke fanfic get to a kiss before my "serious" fanfic? Oh right because I'm a talentless hack. But I promise that the next chapter will introduce one of the other girls. Which one? You'll just have to wait and see.
Welp, that's all I got. Until next time. And as always, leave comments and critiques below. Bye!