Chapter 18 – Love

I was lying in the dark next to Martin when he whispered, "Are you alright?"

I reached over and put my arm around him, running my hand in a slow circle around his bare back. "I'm fine."

He reached over and put his hand on my hip. "Uhm, hm. That's good," he yawned as he lay on his side facing me. I was on my back, with my legs up, leaning against his.

I kissed his shoulder. "Goodnight, Martin. Sleep well."

"Yes. You too. Love you," he said sleepily.

I kissed his warm shoulder again. "I love you too."

In short order he was asleep, marked by slow and steady breathing.

I watched Martin's serene face as he lay next to me. Love is a funny thing, isn't it? In a million years you'd never think that the two of us would have gotten together, because we are so different. I like people, and Martin doesn't. I love dogs and he can barely abide them; at least abide Buddy, and if I hadn't insisted we take him in the little dog would be sleeping rough. I like to talk to people, and Martin doesn't – but I know there are plenty of reasons for my husband to be the way he is.

I once told him that there were twenty reasons he was crap. How awful to tell him that! I hugged him and he murmured. I inhaled deeply, getting a good whiff of his scent, which made me happy. But he wasn't crap – not really - that was just me being frustrated for everything seemed to be against us – getting in the way; messing us about.

He and I were so different… so very different. City boy and country girl. Maybe that makes our intimacy so tender. We try to bridge the gap, metaphorically, as well as physically. I smiled. Oh how we just bridged that gap! If I turned my head away from Martin I could see the calendar on the wall; the one I use to track things. I buried my nose against his skin again. Another baby? Well, we'll see. I bit my lip, maybe it happened tonight, and so, maybe in a couple weeks we'll know one way or the other.

I heard James make a noise from across the hall, sort of a snuffle with a thump. I lifted Martin's arm and slithered out from under, got off the bed, and slipped into my dressing gown. I stepped over my pajamas where they lay crumpled after Martin had pulled them off me. James was snoring (takes after his mum!), clutching his purple dinosaur across his chest, with the blanket twisted around his legs.

I rearranged the blanket, and then he rolled over, his cute little mouth making smoochy noises. Lord knows what he's dreaming about. My hand smoothed his hair golden. He needed a haircut again. My how fast he's grown. The other day he was playing with Buddy, the little dog running around him and barking, his tail wagging like mad.

James looked up at me and announced, "Buddy's happy mummy!"

I got down by him. "What makes you say that?"

James hugged Buddy, and put his head against the dog's face. "I can tell. He said so."

"He said so?"

James nodded very sagely. "Yep. He did."

I petted Buddy and the dog woofed and licked my hand. Then he began to lick James' face which set off a huge giggle storm from my son. Yes, Buddy was happy, and so was James, and I was as well to see them playing together so nicely.

After a lingering look at my sleeping son, I got a drink of water from the washroom, roughly raked the tangles from my hair with my fingers, and then got back into bed. I moved slowly so as not to waken Martin, but his eyes flipped open when my weight made the bed jounce.

"Louisa?" he asked, alarmed.

"Sh. Just checking on James."

Martin wrinkled his nose in concern.

"He's fine, Martin."

He nodded. "What time is it?"

"Two."

"Oh."

I snuggled against Martin while he watched me closely.

"You're sure you're okay?" he asked.

"Yep."

He sighed into my ear.

"Problem?" I asked.

"Sorry. I was… concerned."

"About?"

He raised his eyebrows. "The uhm, when we… m'm. You know."

We had been energetic and spirited, and happy. "You didn't break me, Martin. Are you okay?"

"Uhm, yes." He pulled me closer. "Love you."

I kissed his cheek. "I know."

He gazed at me in the dimness. "Thank you," he whispered.

"For?"

"Everything."

I squeezed him. That said a lot. If Martin hadn't taken the GP job in Portwenn, where would I be right now? An unrealized reality that would be. Gosh! I might even be married to Danny! I shuddered with disgust. Ick.

"Are you cold?" Martin asked then he pulled the sheet up higher and held me closer.

"A little. Thanks."

We were so different, but also so much alike. Dr. Timoney helped us to see that. We were both needy in our own ways, and that was because we were insecure; afraid really. Afraid to hurt one another to the point that we didn't talk, not even to say what we ought to say. I closed my eyes, and thought about kismet. Danny liked that idea, but he was wrong, I think, at least about him and me. Past history that was.

Well, as for kismet, maybe Martin and me just got lucky. But then again we were on the same plane flight down to Newquay, seated across from each other. I sighed. Maybe it was fate. Even not liking each other at the first, but there was something… something that drew us together. And besides, I couldn't get him out of my mind.

Oh, but Martin is kind in his own way. Yeah, his ways can be a bit brusque, but he's well meaning. Always caring about his patients; trying to get them to follow his instructions. And lately I've seen him actually trying to be nice to Morwenna. I think he needs a little more practice at some interpersonal skills, but at least he's trying.

Now, if he can only get his blood thing under control. The other day I got a tiny nick on my finger while slicing bread and when he saw it he absolutely fainted dead away. So, definitely unfinished business there. But he does carry on despite of it. I patted his shoulder in empathy. Good old Doc Martin carrying on.

Does love happen because Cupid shoots with his arrows? Or is it chemical? Social? Or maybe we are seeking for the other to fill a void in us? Or… maybe it was just magic between the two of us. Or even kismet?

We lay together, my eyes closed in peace, with our arms around each other, and I thought of an old song.

When I close my eyes tonight, you will fill my mind. In the silent darkness, you'll be shining bright, when I close my eyes tonight.

"I love you Martin. My shining man," I whispered to him in the night.

Author's note:

"When I Close My Eyes Tonight" by Benny Andersson & Bjorn Ulvaeus 1985, sung by Gemini.