August 7, Entry #33 of Gabriel Agreste's Secret Journal

Today did not start off well.

At 4 a.m. this morning, I woke up to Pumpernickel breathing in my face. Then I panicked, as I could not see my Darth Vader nightlight in its usual place. Next, I realized I was not in a bed at all, and thought Pumpernickel and I had been kidnapped. Then I remembered that I had opted to sleep in the blanket fort.

I was still not done panicking, however, because suddenly parts of my dream came back. After ruminating on it for a good little while, I called Nathalie because I had to talk to someone about it.

"Nathalie, I have a very important question to ask you," I hissed into the phone as soon as she picked up.

"Are you, Adrien, or the Gorilla in the hospital?"

"No, why would you ask-"

"Is the house on fire?"

"No, are you-"

"Then the question can wait until I get to work. Good night Gabriel."

"No, Nathalie! Don't hang up! This is really important! I've spent the last twenty minutes thinking about it!"

"Once again, it can wait. Good night."

"Wait! I'll let you come in after lunch if you answer my question."

There was a moment of silence, then "Deal." I sighed in relief. "What is your question Gabriel?"

"Am I Voldemort?"

"Excuse me?"

"Nathalie, I think I'm Voldemort. See, I had a dream that he came to the house and told me I had to lead the Death Eaters in his absence, but I told him I couldn't because I had Pumpernickel to take care of, but then he told me I had the palest hair in the entire world, so I had to take his place."

"Gabriel, what in the world."

"Obviously the dream is nonsense, but then I got to thinking that if we were the Harry Potter universe, I would be Voldemort. Nathalie, it's very worrying. I am pale like him, I yell at those around me, I have an issue with not being in a position of power, and I have a secret diary. Yesterday, I gave Adrien the awkwardest hug after we finished building the fort, and now that I look back, it was much like the one Voldemort gave Draco...Oh my, Nathalie. I am Voldemort."

"Gabriel, you are not-"

"So if I'm Voldemort, that obviously makes Adrien Draco and Pumpernickel Nagini. You're Bellatrix because you're my second in command and-wait, no, if you are next in power that means you're Snape. Yes, that makes much more sense. You protect Adrien like Snape protects Draco, and you were his teacher for a time."

"I don't think-"

"The Gorilla is my third in command, which means he must be Lucius, but he doesn't have the hair or the dance moves to pull him off. We'll make him Bellatrix instead. Yes yes, much better. Who else is in my life? Oh, the urchin. That's easy. He's Percy Weasley because no one likes him, but he doesn't have the stomach to be one of the Death Eaters or Umbridge. The intern must be one of my young followers. She's around Adrien a lot, so she has to be either Crabbe or Goyle. She's got some brains, let's make her Goyle."

"Can you please go back to sleep and stop referring to yourself as Voldemort? This is getting out of hand Gabriel."

"No, look at all the evidence! It all makes sense and fits together! I must be Voldemort! Nathalie, or should I call you Snape from now on, me being Voldemort is the only thing that makes sense if this were the Harry Potter universe! Aren't you finding this the least bit concerning?"

"What's concerning is how much thought you've put into this."

"Snape, do other people think I am Voldemort? Do you know what this could do to my reputation? Being associated with a murderer, the person who killed the wizarding world's sweethearts, Lily and James Potter? The press would drag my name through the mud! Snape, you have got to help me."

After a few more minutes of ranting, I realized she had hung up on me.

"A very Snape move," I muttered, then tried to fall back asleep with little success. Instead, I googled "How not to be Voldemort," which also led me to very little success. I guess I must now accept my fate. Time to start designing a black cloak for me and all my followers.