Chapter 3

Deceived Happiness

Steve turned in his bed with a deep sigh. He looked at the small digital clock at his bedside table, the bright red numbers indicating that it was already 01.21. He let his hand slide over the other half of his bed, finding it completely empty. The captain reached out for his phone and flipped it open, hoping that his boyfriend had at least sent him a text on where he was or when he would be back. Steve grumbled softly as he saw that he had no missed calls or unopened messages, just like five minutes ago. He placed the phone back in its charging station and turned to his back, wondering where his Sergeant could be and if he was okay.

Steve nearly jumped out of his bed as he heard a soft creaking noise coming from his door. It opened slowly, revealing the silhouette of a man. The blond let out a sigh in relief as he recognized those familiar lines. 'Bucky?'

His voice clearly startled the figure as it froze for a second. 'Steve,' the soldier spoke softly, he sounded weary. 'Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up.'

The captain searched for the switch on his nightstand lamp, a warm light illuminated half the room, making both man squint slightly. 'You didn't wake me up,' Steve saw a gentle smile forming on Bucky's face, 'you kept me up,' he continued, the man's smile directly fading. 'Where have you been? Why didn't you respond to my texts?'

'Texts?' Bucky pulled out his phone, only now noticing all the missed calls and messages the captain had left him. 'I, I don't know… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to keep you up all night.'

'What do you mean "you don't know?"' Steve waited for an explanation, but as his lover remained silent, he let out a sigh and rubbed the back of his neck. '…Well, the important thing is that you're back.' He smiled, scooting over so that the soldier could lie down next to him.

Bucky sat down on the edge of the bed, his back towards Steve. 'I-I think I'm gonna sleep in my own bed tonight, Steve,' he gently wrapped an arm across his stomach, hissing softly as the cold metal of his hand came into contact with the heavily bruised skin underneath his shirt.

Steve noticed how Bucky struggled to take a deep breath and gently placed a hand on his back. 'But… why would you sleep alone? Buck, are you okay? You don't look so good.' He sat up behind the man, now noticing how a thin layer of sweat glistened on his skin. '… What happened?' he asked softly, his brows knitted with worry.

'I'm fine, it's just,' The soldier remained silent for a moment as he tried to trace back his steps. '… I ordered pizza tonight, must have been something wrong with it.'

'I see,' the blond gently trailed the man's back, the tip of his fingers following the fine lines of strong muscles underneath soft skin. He frowned as he felt a violent shudder run down Bucky's spine, his muscles tense underneath his touch. 'Maybe you should just take a quick shower and come to bed. I bet you'll feel better after a good night's sleep.' Steve wrapped his arms around his boyfriend's waist, wanting to press a loving kiss in his neck but Bucky jumped up from the bed the moment Steve enclosed him in his arms.

They stared at each other, both equally confused.

'Bucky…?'

'I'm sorry,' was the only thing Bucky could utter as he tried to understand his own actions. His heart was racing as blue eyes gazed at him, his stomach turning at the thought of Steve's touch on his body. 'I-I'm really sorry. I'm gonna sleep in my own room. 'Night.' And before the captain could give him any form of response, the soldier marched out of the room, disappearing into the dark hallway.

After a long night without sleep, Steve went into the kitchen for breakfast the next morning. He chuckled softly as he saw his boyfriend standing in front of the high-tech coffee machine, still trying to figure out how the damn device worked. 'It's the green button in the right corner,' Steve said, causing the soldier to look up in surprise. The blond smiled as he walked towards him. 'It took me a while to figure it out, but Tony was kind enough to help me.' With a few presses on the touchscreen, Steve managed to pour Bucky some coffee. He leaned forward, wanting to kiss the soldier on his lips, he froze however as the man took a startled step back. '…S-so, did you sleep well?' Steve asked, making himself believe he just imagined it. 'Feeling any better?'

Bucky stared at the man in front of him, his heart torn at the hurt that was clearly visible in his lover's eyes. He wanted nothing more but to let himself fall into the captain's arms. He wanted to hold him, to kiss him. He wanted to tell him how much he loved him, that he never meant to make him worry or push him away. The words burned in his chest but could not pass his throat. What was happening to him? Why did he feel so unease, why was there a voice constantly whispering at him to turn away from Steve and never look back? Why did this all feel so very familiar, to lose himself, to become a complete stranger to his own body and mind. Bucky swallowed tensely, memories he had hoped never to relive again stirring in his brain.

'Buck?' Steve's voice was steady though a hint of apprehension was clearly audible. He placed his hands on the soldier's cheeks, his thumb carefully wiping away a tear that had formed in the man's eye without him even noticing. 'What's wrong?'

Bucky froze under the captain's touch. He placed a hand on his stomach, swallowing down some bile that had threatened to leave his mouth. 'I have to go,' he eventually said, taking an unsteady step aside so he could pass Steve.

'Hey, wait,' the blond grabbed him by his wrist. 'Bucky, talk to me, please. You've been acting… weird. What's going on?'

'Nothing,' Bucky tried to free his wrists from the captain's grip, the creeping voice in the far back of his mind screeching at him to run as far away from Steve as he could. A sharp pain coming from his stomach caused a hot wave to flash through his body. He grabbed the sore spot with his free hand, wondering what he had done that was causing him so much pain.

'Don't "nothing" me,' Steve's hold on the man grew stronger, an all too familiar anxiety stirring in the pit of his stomach. He did not want to let go. He did not dare to let go. The fear of losing the man, again, brought tears to his eyes. 'Buck, please, just talk to me.'

'Let go of me, Steve.'

'No,' the blond stated determinately. He took a step forward and gently placed his hand on Bucky's cheek. 'I'm just trying to understand what's going on. Ever since I came back from Clint, you've been acting differently. Is it because of me? Did I do s-'

Before Steve could finish his sentence, Bucky punched him just underneath his ribcage with all his might. He heard the captain wheeze, the air forcefully knocked out of his longs as he fell to his knees. Bucky held his breath in shock as he swore he heard on of the man's ribs being torn from his sternum.

He stared, his wrist now freed from the captain's grip, leaving the blond to gasp for air and stare at him in confusion. Icy blue eyes pleading for explanation.

Bucky swallowed thickly, his eyes darting from left to right, looking anywhere just to avoid that desperate gaze. Without another word, he turned around and walked out of the kitchen. He grabbed his coat, walked out the front door and disappeared into a haze of snow.

Steve flinched as the door slammed shut. He stared for a moment, trying to contemplate what had just happened. He managed to get back on his feet, hissing loudly as a sharp pain shot through his body. A part of him wanted to run after his lover, to wrap his arms around him and hold him tight. To beg him to stay here… But there was something that kept his body from moving. A heavy feeling, concocted from despair and confusion, kept his feet nailed to the ground. He eventually managed to walk to the common room, let himself fall on the couch with a deep sigh and buried his face in his hands.

'Oh the storm outside is frightful,

But the booze is so delightful.

And as long as you love me so,

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow~!'

Steve looked up with a deep frown, searching where the sudden singing was coming from, well, if you could call it singing that is. His eyes grew wide in surprise as Tony stood next to him wearing his expansive winter coat, a bottle of luxurious champagne in hand. 'You went to the store?' the captain asked in disbelief, ignoring the sharp pain in his chest.

'Yep, there was a sale on top-shelf booze, so…' the playboy chuckled as he threw his coat in an empty chair, continuing to hum the Christmas song as he did so. He let himself fall next to the Captain with a deep sigh and noticed the man's questioning stare. 'Sorry, sorry. It's these damn Christmas songs, they're freaking everywhere. It's driving me insane. I got attacked by this overenthusiastic group of carolers when I tried to go to the liquor store, they came out of nowhere, it was crazy.' He laughed.

Steve did not give a reply, his mind having strayed from Tony's story the moment the man sat down next to him.

Tony frowned, noticing his friend's absentminded stare. 'What's up, Cap?' His expression suddenly turned more serious as he heard the freezing wind howling through the trees outside. 'Is it the weather? You know we could just hang on the couch and watch some bad movies together for the rest of the day, right? Maybe that will keep you distracted from the cold.'

'No, it's not that.' Steve sighed, knowing this was not completely true. He did his best to suppress the memories of the plane crash, swallowing before opening his mouth again. 'Tony… can I ask you something?'

'Sure, anything.'

'Did Bucky,' Steve started reluctantly, hating himself for even thinking the question, hating himself even more for actually asking it. 'Did he tell you where he went last night? I-I mean, he doesn't want to tell me so, obviously, he does not want me to know, but…'

'Nope, he just told me he'd be out till late and that the two of us shouldn't wait up.' Tony then chuckled. 'You know, it's a good thing that the two of you are doing so good. If it were me, I would get suspicious, think he would have a secret lover or something.' Tony noticed how Steve tensed completely at these last words. 'But then again, I just might be the jealous type.' Tony shrugged as he looked at the captain with a smile, but as he noticed the pained look on his friend's face, he ignorantly frowned. 'You two are good, right?' he asked innocently, as if he was completely surprised to hear anything that would prove differently.

'I, I don't know…' Steve admitted. 'He's been acting weird. He's avoiding me and he won't tell me where he was last night. He won't talk to me at all…' He carefully placed his hand on his ribcage. 'And now he's somewhere outside in this freezing storm going god knows where and I just don't know what to do…'

Tony remained silent for a moment, fighting against a bright smile which threatened to form on his face. 'I see,' he placed a hand on the blond's shoulder, his thumb softly massaging the man's tensed muscled. Although he felt happy to witness the first cracks in this seemingly perfect relationship first-hand, he did feel truly sorry for the captain's concern and despair. The playboy smiled at him affectionately, reminding himself that this would all be for the better. Soon, it would just be him and Steve again, and he would give the blond everything he could ever ask for. Undivided attention, never-ending love, and money in amounts the Winter Soldier could not even dream of giving to him. 'I'm sure he'll be back soon, Cap. Maybe he's just… under the weather. Tough guys like the two of you can get sick as well you know?' he then looked at the captain's strong body, 'Okay, maybe not you. But you've got that Super Soldier Serum running through your veins and I'd say that would be cheating.'

With this remark, Tony managed to finally bring a smile to Steve's face again. It was a small one, but Tony counted it as a victory. 'Yeah, maybe,' Steve said as he straightened his back. 'I think I'm gonna go after him.'

'Or,' Tony started quickly, gently placing a hand on that of the captain to keep him from standing up. 'Or you could give him some space. He'll come back, Rogers. He always does. Cause after all, he'll be with you to the end of the line, right?'

'…You're right.' Steve's worried expression slowly softened, a smile showing on his face formed out of pure gratitude. 'Thank you, Tony.' He let himself fall against the back of the couch, his head resting on a white cushion.

Tony looked at the man at his side, feeling his warmth coming from his body and seeping through his own clothes as their arms slightly touched.

He dared to place his head on the other's shoulder, tensely waiting for any form of response, but as Steve did not say a thing, he smiled and let himself slumber against the captain's strong body.

He was happy.

So very happy.