Chapter 5

Just You and I

Ignoring the sharp pain still stinging in his chest, Steve managed to grab a large bowl from the top shelf. The fight with his boyfriend might have been almost two weeks ago, but the injury, much like the memory, still felt fresh. His body was working hard on mending what was most likely a broken rib, the serum viciously pumping through his veins with every heartbeat.

Steve let out a sigh, flinching as the oxygen past his lips, the sensation of his lungs slowly emptying burned in his chest. He stared at the empty bowl in his hands as he wondered if his boyfriend would come home tonight. He gulped as the question that followed nearly brought tears to his eyes; Did it matter? Did it matter whether Bucky was in the warm safety of the Avengers Compound, so Steve could wrap his arms around him, telling him that everything would be alright, whispering so softly that he loves him. Steve rubbed his tired eyes, constant worriment having him kept awake till the deepest of night.

He swallowed thickly as he came to the painful realization that it probably would not matter whether his boyfriend was here in his arms or out the cold. It was not like the man wanted to see him or talk to him anyway. The blond gritted his teeth as he tried to understand why this was all happening. Why was Bucky so cold to him? Why does he walk away from him, even going as far as to roam the dark December streets to avoid him?

Was he though?

Was he really out on the streets, alone in the cold? Or was he… in the arms of another? Was there someone else massaging his back after a long day? Was there someone else, who would comfort him after suffering from a horrendous nightmare? Was there someone else with which he shared his warmth, his love, or, his body?

What if Tony was right? What if Bucky did have someone else…?

The obnoxious alarm coming from the microwave pulled the captain out of his thoughts, the smell of slightly burned popcorn causing him to turn around and quickly grab the now inflated and hot bag out of the machine. He shook his head, clearing his mind from treacherous speculations and sickening images of his boyfriend squirming and moaning in pleasure in unfamiliar arms.

Tony, Steve thought determinedly. He was now enjoying his day with Tony, binge watching this "must-see" series called Game of Thrones. He could worry about his lover through the rest of the night, but right now he just wanted to switch off his brain and, for a few blissful hours, enjoy something without worrying.

Steve smiled through a soft sob as he thought back to the conversations he and the playboy have had throughout the day, most of it was just Tony being, well, Tony. Passionately rambling on about some new project or telling him funny stories of his past. Tony managed to make him smile. Tony succeeded in making him laugh. Tony was there for him every time Bucky disappeared, even offering Steve a place to sleep, right next to him, so he did not have to worry alone throughout the night and Steve was happy to except that offer.

Tony was kind to him, so very, very kind.

And Steve was grateful, so very, very grateful.

'It's for the best, soldier.'

The blond looked up with a frown as he heard the playboy's voice. 'What is for the best?' He asked as he entered the common room, a surprised look on his face as he saw Tony standing next to what, officially, still was his boyfriend. 'Buck…'

'Hey punk,' Bucky managed a pained smile as he quickly stood up.

'I'll leave you two alone for a minute,' Tony gave a quick nod as he walked out of the room, stealing a handful of popcorn from the captain along the way.

A heavy silence filled the air as the two men were now left alone.

'Steve,' Bucky started, determinately straightening his back. 'I think we need to talk.'

The blond gulped as he lingered in the door opening, the tension that instantly lingered in the air pressing down on his chest. 'You think so?' The mockery ringing in his voice might not have been intended, but he could not have responded in any other way, even if he wanted to.

'Look, I know you're- you're mad, and I get that,' Bucky started nervously, but Steve was quick to interrupt him.

'Mad?' The blond repeated, raising a brow. 'You think I am mad? Buck, I am not just mad. I am confused, I'm furious! You shut me out, giving no reason whatsoever and you just disappear each time you see me!' Steve quickly placed the bowl of popcorn on a small table next to him, after which he ran one hand through his hair. 'You never answer your texts, you never call me back, you won't even talk to me!' He had raised his voice and he sighed in frustration. He had never meant to raise his voice, not towards Bucky.

'Steve, I'm… I'm sorry, but I am telling the truth,' Bucky replied, sharp blue eyes now glaring at him. 'I don't know why I'm doing this.'

Staring at the man in disbelieve, Steve managed to take a deep breath, placing his hands in his sides. 'So that's it? That's all the explanation I'm gonna get?'

Not knowing what else to say, Bucky nodded reluctantly.

'… Buck, just… just be honest with me,' the captain waited for the soldier to look at him. 'Is there someone else? Is that why you sneak off?'

'Wha-? Steve, no, I don't-'

'A-am I not good enough for you? Is it that why you don't love me? O-or that you don't love men? Is that why you look at me like I'm some disgusting monster? L-like I'm trash that you just don't want to touch or look at anymore?!' Steve nearly shouted as his eyes glistened in tears. 'I see the way you look at me, Buck!' He added with a sniff, 'What did I do wrong…?'

'Steve, no, please,' Bucky let out a sigh in frustration, desperately searching for the right words to say. 'It's not that I don't love you anymore, at least, I think,' he shut his mouth again, his own words confusing him.

'You think…?'

The soldier looked up, his heart breaking as he saw his boyfriend standing in front of him. The blond's body was trembling, tears were running down his cheeks, his breathing rapid and unsteady.

And for a moment, just a small, insignificant moment, Bucky saw the younger and smaller man he had grown up with in Brooklyn. There was no Captain America, no First Avenger, no WWII Super Soldier. There was just Steve Rogers, just a guy from Brooklyn, the man he had come to love so much through early years of happiness, years of war, years of hell and now, years of unity.

'Steve, I…' Bucky managed to force some words to pass through his tightened throat.

The blond took rapid, unsteady breaths, his mind racing as he tried to decide what to do. He wanted to step forward, to touch Bucky, to feel his embrace just one more time and to hear his gentle and caring voice. Yet, at the same time, he wanted to grab his shoulders and shake his entire body, to shout at him, to demand answers.

'It hurts,' Steve eventually admitted between soft sobs as the soldier did not seem to continue, streams of tears now flowing faster than his heartbeat. 'Every time you walk away from me, every time you shut me out or look at me in disgust… It hurts.' A heavy sob disrupted his sentence, the last words coming out of his mouth in a tortured whisper.

'I know,' Bucky took a deep breath and tried to swallow down some tears as he was hardly able to keep his emotions under control any longer. He looked up at the blond, trying to keep his back straight as his stomach contracted in guilt and regret. 'And that's why… I have decided to end this.'

Steve remained silent, his ears blocked by the heavy and static sound of complete silence. His tears stopped and, for a moment, so did his heart. Feeling like his world, his very being, just shattered, Steve stared at the man. His mouth slightly ajar and trembling. 'What…?' He asked so very softly that he even wondered whether he had uttered it at all or if it remained a lonesome word, lingering in his mind.

'Tony was right,' Bucky continued, his body now trembling as he saw the devastated azure eyes staring back at him in absolute disbelieve. 'This has to end. I can't keep doing this to you, Steve.' A single tear rolled down the soldier's cheek, making him quick to raise his mechanic hand to wipe it from his face. 'That's why I'm going back to Wakanda.'

'…What?' The blond asked again, even more confusion ringing through this one word.

'I love you,' Bucky responded, his face contracting slightly as he fought bravely against the tears that were threatening to expose themselves. 'With all my heart, with every fiber in my body, I love you.' He averted his eyes, biting his lower lip till it bled in frustration as he tried to bring his emotions into words. 'I don't want to leave you, but I don't want to hurt you either. I-I think there is something very wrong in my head again, Steve, and I'm… I'm scared. I'm scared of what's going to happen, scared that I will hurt you, that I will try to murder you, that someone will come and take control over me and-' Bucky trembled heavily, wrapping his arms around his body as memories started to come back. Memories he had hoped to never reexperience again. 'I thought I was fixed, Steve,' he managed to breath as tears started to slowly roll down his cheeks. 'but I'm still fucking broken!'

'…Buck…' Steve walked forward, slowly, carefully, closing de distance between the two one small step at a time. All his anger and frustration instantly fading, turning into concern and sadness.

The soldier took an unsteady step back, his voice soft and trembling. 'Stay away from me, Steve, please. I don't want to hurt you.'

Steve did not stop.

'Go away,' he whispered softly as his arms were still wrapped around his body, his nails digging deep into softly flesh till they drew drops of ruby red liquid.

Steve still did not stop.

'GO AWAY!' Bucky shouted frantically as hit his back against the cold wall. 'GO AWAY! GO AWAY! GO AWAY!' He screamed, his bloodied fingers now covering his face in shame as tears flowed uncontrollably.

'Buck,' Steve whispered softly, as he now stood in front of the trembling man.

'I'm fucking broken, Steve,' Bucky sobbed, his voice hardly recognizable behind his hands.

The soldier froze completely as two warm arms wrapped themselves around his body, holding him in a gentle and loving embrace. He did not breathe, he did not think, all he felt was the safe hold of his lover's arms around his numb body.

'You would never kill me, Buck,' Steve's voice was calm, his breath hot against the cold skin of the soldier's neck, making the man in his arms shiver violently. 'and you are not a machine, you are not broken and you do not need fixing. You are a human being and in need of help.'

Bucky remained silent.

'I am so sorry, for not noticing your pain, for not being there for you when you needed me.' With his hands now softly stroking the soldier's back, Steve pressed his lips against the soldier's temple, placing a precious and almost fragile mark of unconditional love against his skin.

Bucky cried. With his back still against the wall, he let himself slide to the floor and cried his heart out.

Steve sat down next to him, whispering comforting and honied nothings as he held his boyfriend's body in his arms, pressed against his own as he gently rocked his body.

After what felt like hours, Bucky's tears had stopped, his breathing now stabilized to shivering breaths and soft occasional hiccups. He was too tired to fight his lover's touch, even that screeching voice inside his head that told him to stay away from the blond softened with every loving word Steve spoke.

Steve's hands on his body felt like restful paradise, his words sounding like blissful solace, his strong arms wrapped around his body like the sanctuary he had tried to return to for weeks.

'I'm not letting you walk away again, Buck,' Steve whispered, feeling Bucky's head resting against his chest.

'I'm scared.' His voice was hoarse from screaming, eyes still red from crying, 'I'm so fucking done with this, Steve.'

'I know, but it will be alright.' Steve pressed a kiss in the soldier's straggly hair, 'we'll be alright.'

'…Will you come with me? To Wakanda?' Bucky hardly dared to ask.

'Of course I will.' Steve smiled softly, pressing a loving kiss against the man's lips. 'I'll be with you till the end of the line.'