Caterina Valentine: My Life

by alolime

Cat had never shown signs of distress - but then she committed suicide. Through flashback accounts and her voice on her tapes, she reveals everything - her life in ways no one's ever seen. Cat's friends soon realise it was not just personal pain that drove their girl to suicide...they each see that they pushed Cat to it too.

2. Lost Without Knowledge

Caterina Valentine: My Life.

FlorMorada

I do NOT own Victorious, or any songs that may be used.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Just to let you know… This story will NOT be a rip-off of Th1rteen R3asons Why. Changed names, a map for the group to follow, like in the book, and slightly altered text so I don't get sued? No way. Victorious ain't mine, Jay Asher's book ain't either, but 'Caterina Valentine: My Life' sure as hell is. K? Okay.

And something a little more interesting… I've thought of 'reasons why' for all the characters, but that does not mean I have to stick with them. It'd be great to see what you guys think too. I could maybe even use yours for the story, if I changed my mind on my own. So if you have one, in a review; for Beck, Jade, André, Robbie and Tori, give me a 'reason why'. :]

Sorry for the long Author's Note. Just wanted to tell you guys those two things. Now, onto the story.

And thanks to Trypophobica for her amazing Beta-ing skills. ;]

NOTE:

"This writing" is in the present, or in 'real life'.

"This writing" is Cat speaking on her tapes, or a note that someone's written.

"This writing" is Cat having a flashback, or happenings in the past.

Chapter Two

Lost Without Knowledge

I flicked the light switch off, before going to sit down at the very edge of the sofa. I'd let the rest of my friends crash here in my RV tonight…. Partly because it was so late, and nobody wanted to drive around at night, but alsobecause we all just needed each other right now. Not necessarily through words, or speaking to one another, but emotionally. After all, we'd just heard a girl who we thought we'd never hear again explain that she'd tell us why she'd committed suicide… It was a lot to take in.

Though my RV was hardly big enough for me alone. Or me and Jade, when she used to stay the night here. I still, to this day, do not understand how it was the heat outside that caused us to be so delirious that day we all got stuck in this RV, instead of the heat from our roasting bodies because of the close proximity of them.

Tori was asleep on the sofa, which I'd pulled out to make more like a bed. I could still see the faint tear marks streaked down her cheeks. And André was laid next to her, his arm lightly draped across her shoulder; he'd been comforting her before she'd fallen asleep. He, as well as me and Jade, were still awake.

"Hey, man," I said to him quietly, so as to not wake the others. Robbie, in the centre of the room on a small mattress I'd found him, stirred, but stayed asleep. "You okay, Andre?"

André sat up slightly, looking over to me. "No," he replied simply.

I sighed, standing up from the sofa, and bending down to my murky water filled fish tank at the edge of the room. Right. Stupid question. Of course André wasn't okay.

None of us were 'okay'.

I stared at the seven goldfish that were swimming around in the water. It's weird how they just… Swim around. Like, do fish have families, or friends? They seem to have nothing on their mind to think about. They just… Swim. When a fellow fish of theirs dies, and I have to go flush it… They're fine. They act like nothing's happened. As if death doesn't even mean anything.

Lucky them.

I heard the faucet of my bathroom tap turn off, and Jade slowly pushed the bathroom door open, coming into the main room. I just really wished I could put my finger on it. All of us had changed, and become a lot more depressed since Cat's death, yeah. After hearing Cat's voice on these tapes, and knowing that she was going to tell us why she committed suicide; it made us all depressed. But there was something else. I just really wished I could put my finger on it. Something else was wrong with Jade, and only Jade. I'd noticed her change in attitude like this from months ago. She used to have so much trust in me.- I don't know what happened. I just wished she'd tell us – Or at least, tell me. I was hoping that the hug she'd given me earlier was a sign that she would, perhaps, open up to me a little more?

"Are you alright, Jade?" I asked as she walked over to my bed, sliding her many bracelets off her wrist and flopping down on her back. She closed her eyes.

"Yes, Beck, I'm fine."

I waited for her to talk a little more, but after a few seconds, she still hadn't. I just really wanted to know what was going on with her. It was hard enough having to deal with one tragedy in our lives. How Jade was dealing with this obvious other problem too, I'd never know.

"Are… Are you sure?"

Suddenly, Jade pressed her hands over her eyes, groaning loudly, before taking her hands off again and opening her eyes to glare at me.

"Ugh, fuck, Beck!" she yelled at me. I stared at her, slightly taken aback. "I'm fine, okay? I am fine! All the time, everyday, for months;" she sat up, and lowered her voice to impersonate me, "'Are you alright?', 'Jade, what's wrong?', 'You okay, Jade?'"

I was just asking if she was alright; I didn't expect her to get this pissed. When she's angry, she's usually always so calm. It's what makes her look more scary, to be honest. I don't know why she's so mad!

"I've told you more than once, Beck, and I will tell you again. I. Am. Fine. So quit asking me! 'Cause I swear, Beck, if you do so one more time, I will fucking punch you."

I raised my eyebrows, in shock at her response. Well, excuse me for showing some concern for my friend… My best friend. My ex-girlfriend for God's sake! "Okay, Jade! You know, I'm just making sure you're o-"

"What..?

Jade sat up from my bed, and I turned around to see Tori slowly sitting up from the sofa, yawning. André sat up properly also.

"Yeah, I was just about to tell you guys to shut the hell up," he said, sighing. "You guys' little argument thing just woke Tori up."

I heard Jade sigh. "Just shut up, André," she said coldly.

Tori rubbed her eyes, before sitting up properly, and crossing her legs Indian style on the bed… Sofa… Thing. She looked to André, then Jade. "It's okay, guys. Don't start another fight." She yawned again. "I wasn't really sleeping properly anyway."

I looked back to Jade again, and she just sent me a death glare. Robbie then stirred again, most likely because of all the noise in the RV right now. He gasped, and suddenly sat up from the mattress, turning his head to look round the room.

"What, Rob?" I asked.

I saw him look around the room once more, before seemingly coming to a realisation and sighing. "Nothing," he said quietly. "I just had a dream. About… Cat. And it just felt really… Real."

"Another nightmare?" Tori asked softly. Robbie nodded his head.

"You've been having a lot of those, man," André said to him. "You could tell us what they're about… It could make things better."

Robbie shook his head, looking down. "I can't. I just… Can't."

We were all silent for a moment. I was kind of glad I hadn't gone to sleep, actually. I had no idea what thoughts would appear in my mind as I slept, after hearing that one tape. It was only the first. Who knew how many stories she was going to tell us?

"Can we please listen to the next tape?" Robbie suddenly asked.

I flipped my wrist round to look at my watch. It was 2:16am.

"Right… Right now?" I said quizzically… Half quizzically. I knew what Robbie meant. Listening to the one tape was like watching part one of a movie. We'd already started some… We really wanted to find out about the rest.

Avoiding Jade this time, unsure as to whether she'd calmed down towards me, or was still dangerously murderous, I looked around to the others, silently asking them if I should play the second side of this first tape.

The look in their eyes was clear.

I went to the cassette player, pressed eject, then lifted out the tape and reversed the side. I slowly closed the lid again, and looked to my friends once more.

We'd done this once before, just a few hours ago, in fact. But still, putting the tape in and being afraid, not knowing what we would find out was… Terrifying.

André's eyes met mine, and I saw him nod at me.

I pressed play.

…

"Hey, it's Cat. Which you already know, obviously, hehe… Um… If you're listening to this, I see you've decided to carry on with my little tape story thing. So, um… Thanks.

Well… Everything started in second grade. I guess, like, Lilith… Well, she's bullied me all my life. But that wasn't a major problem. It hurt, but I could push it behind me. What happened that day with Braden… That was the start of my living hell.

And um, Tori, André? You guys probably don't know about what I'm gonna explain to you guys. If you do, then… Beck, Jade, Robbie; all have very big mouths.

So, um… You know how I said that my big brother, Braden, the um… Photographer… Often had to move around? And that I never got to see him, and you guys never saw him because he often had to travel around the world; he always in a different place? Well… I guess that's not a complete lie. He did love taking pictures, haha. But he isn't… Wasn't… A photographer. Though, he, um… Sure is in a different place. Different from here, I'm guessing.

I know you guys always wanted to know more about Braden. Especially you, André, you always used to ask me. So, here you go. Braden 101 for you. The full truth about him.

Just… Don't give Beck and Jade and Robbie a hard time for not telling you. I told them a few years ago. But I didn't want them to tell you, or anyone in fact. Telling people would only bring me sympathy. And I didn't, and still don't want to be feeling even more weak, and hopeless, and different. But I'm gonna be gone now anyway. You guys won't be able to show me sympathy… Even if you tried.

So… Yeah. Here's tape uno, side V… 'Braden 101'."

…

As I walked through my front door, I quickly inhaled, expecting to smell the familiar, fresh scent of the oatmeal and raison cookies that my mom always made each Thursday for when I arrived home. For a year she's been doing it now; I had begged her to start making them after this kid let me try one of theirs back in 2nd grade. Today I couldn't smell anything though, and sighed knowing that I'd have to settle for boring milk-dipped Oreos.

I called out for my mom, who, like the cookies, was also nowhere in sight. I waited for her reply, saying she was upstairs, or outside hanging up the laundry, or in the study doing work.

I held my breath, trying to be as silent as possible, in case she'd called out quietly and I hadn't heard.

Nope. Nothing.

All I could hear was the hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen next door, the dripping of the tap that Braden seemed to always leave on, and my own heart that was beginning to thump a little in my chest.

Where was my mom? Everyday, I'd walk from the school bus bus stop, with Beck, and sometimes Jade and Robbie, though none of them were at school today, and mom would come down to the front door as soon as she heard the gate swing open.

I began to panic a little. Well… She always told me how much work she had to do. She always was busy - maybe she got held up at her office? Though… She would have told me that she was going to be busy in advance. Or phoned my school… No, something was definitely not right.

Wait a minute… Braden.

He must be home. Maybe he's just up in his room with the door closed. My older brother, Braden, he's… Special. He's special, just like me, I suppose. My mom always says that everyone is special, in some way. Just… Braden is even more so than other kids. More special than me, definitely more special than my older sister Lilith. Her. She isn't special at all.

…

Braden's four years older than me, but in a lot of ways, he's much younger. He's Autistic. Whatever that means. I don't know, I just hear my mom speaking to some woman on the phone about it, and about him, all the time. We haven't learnt about it in school, but I think I already know lots about it.

For example, Braden can't read big kid books like me. Like, I read a book with eight chapters in it at school today… He wouldn't be able to do that. He has to read all my 2nd grade books. Or I have to read all his big kid books to him.

And he doesn't have as many friends as I do. I have Beck and Jade and Robbie, and more or less all of the other kids in 2nd grade too. And a lot of 6th graders are friends with me because they think I'm 'so cute'… But Braden just has Cindy, this woman that comes to talk to him sometimes. And my mom; she's his friend. And me. Braden has me. He says I'm his best friend.

And up until just a few months ago, Braden wasn't even at a normal school. It was a special one, for special people, like him. He only started going to middle school in December. And it isn't the middle school that I'm going to go to when I get to 7th grade, it's one much closer to our house. My mom said she wants to be as close to him as possible, which I really don't get. Braden's always with my mom more than I am, and I'm younger… Anyway, before December, my mom taught Braden at home. His work was really easy, and I even did it for him sometimes. I could do his Maths homework in my sleep, but… He could hardly do it at all. I remember, I asked my mom a while ago, about why he couldn't do all his work, and why he didn't go to normal school, and why he was so special. But she didn't really answer.

She just told me that that's the way it is.

I threw my rucksack off my shoulder before going through the hall to the stairs. I got up them remarkably quickly. I must have taken two -if not three- steps at a time.

"Braden?" I called out, hearing the hysteria in my voice that I hadn't realised was so heavily there. I turned to the left, making my way to the second door in the upstairs hall; my brother's bedroom. "Braden? Braden, are you… are you here?"

Hearing no reply, I felt my heart start to beat a bit faster. I got to my brother's room, and noticed the door slightly ajar. Pushing it open, I ran into his room. I closed my eyes, trying to calm down a little. I desperately hoped that he was there… Playing a video game, watching TV, sleeping, playing some mean hide 'n' seek trick on me, even. Anything. I just wanted him to be there, so I could be sure that at least something was normal.

I opened my eyes.

He wasn't there.

His bed was made and untouched, his dark blue duvet pulled up to the pillow, the corner slightly folded over. Exactly how my mom always makes it in the morning. Braden always takes a nap when he gets home, which is before me, but he obviously hadn't even touched his bed. He never missed his nap in the afternoon. Which could only mean… He hadn't been home.

As I realised all of this, I felt myself breathing rapidly once again. Where was he? Where was my mom? What was- what was happening? Why's the house empty; why's no one here? I let out an exasperated sob before absent-mindedly calling out my mother's name, over and over again.

…

Suddenly, I heard the metal gate being pushed open outside, and the jingle of keys being turned in the lock of the front door.

"Please let it be Mommy," I whispered to myself. "Please."

I walked out of Braden's bedroom, before quickening my pace and leaping down the stairs. I rushed to front door, reaching forward to open it a split second before the key opened it at the same time.

"Caterina!"

I stopped dead in my tracks, and my breath hitched.

It wasn't my mother. It was Lilith. My older sister Lilith.

…

I hadn't seen her for… Almost two months, most probably. She… She wasn't a sister to me at all. She hated me, and my brother, and my mom, even though my mom would never admit it. She always said that she was just 'going through some tough times'.

I suppose she had gone through a hard time. She wasn't actually really my sister; she was my half sister, really. I don't really know what that even means. Her dad is a different person from mine and Braden's dad, and I don't think she really liked that. She was always mean to me… For no reason at all.

I was actually quite happy these past few weeks when I didn't have to see her. She wasn't even supposed to have left, though, I don't think. My mom certainly wasn't happy about it. It was just one day, those two months ago, at about ten o'clock at night, she went out to her friend's… Party. I don't think it was a party at all. She wasn't dressed right…

My mom always dressed me in pretty patterned dresses when I was going to parties, but Lilith wasn't wearing that at all. She was wearing half a top - it looked like a normal top but you could see the whole of her tummy. And the stud in the middle. And she was wearing a skirt, but not like the pink, layered ones I wear for ballet; it was tight, and really, really short. And she was wearing dark, really high-heeled boots… Not for a party, I was sure.

Anyway, I heard my mom talking on the phone to her the next day when I'd come home from school. She hadn't known I'd been listening to the conversation. I'd heard her asking my sister repeatedly where she was, until she finally told her. She was at her boyfriend's house.

Him. I hated him. Lilith was always meaner to me when he was around.

I had watched my mom's facial expressions the whole time she was on the phone. She seemed… Angry. Then again she always seemed angry with Lilith. I guess she just thought she'd return home after her night with her boyfriend. But she didn't.

Today is the first I've seen of her.

And her calling me Caterina… I, I don't even know. She knows people call me Cat, and I like it when people call me Cat, but says my full name anyway… Just another way for her to distance herself from me, probably.

…

"Lilith," I said to her in shock, stuttering slightly. "Do you know..? Where Mommy is? Or where Bra- my brother is?" I didn't want to risk seeing that annoyed look on my sister's face when I referred to my brother as just 'Braden'. It made it seem like he was both of our brothers. And she hated that.

"Caterina, get your stuff. We, we need to go." She picked my rucksack up from the floor where I had thrown it, and grabbed my arm, pulling me out the door. I squealed, trying to shake my arm from her. I hated Lilith, and I did not trust her either. I did not want her just pulling me off somewhere.

I managed to pull my arm away. "No!" I shouted. "I, I just want to see Mommy! And my brother!"

She sighed, before grabbing my arm again hastily.

"Just take me to them!" I exclaimed, as she slammed the front door shut and dragged me to her car. No, it wasn't her car. It was her boyfriend's. I'd seen it out the window when she'd left those weeks ago. I hoped he wasn't there inside it…

She carried on pulling me, without a glance to me, let alone answering my panicked questions. It was like I wasn't even there!

I screamed at her, my voice coming out screeched and high pitched. It probably sounded like a kidnap to the neighbours, and, to be honest, it certainly felt like one. "Please, Lilith!" I shouted again. "Take me to them, please!"

Still silent, Lilith pushed me into the back of the car, which, unlike my mom's one, didn't have car seat, so I was very low down in the seat. Without even waiting to check if I'd put my seatbelt on, she slammed the door. Her boyfriend wasn't here. Good. But that only make the situation point one per cent better.

"Lilith, please tell me where we are going!" I yelled as she walked round to the driver's seat, my throat now in pain from screaming.

Not only did I need to know where my sister was taking me, but… I'd also always been scared going places with her in a car. My mom would never let me. She'd said something about her being 'drunk'. I had no idea what that even meant, but I knew it wasn't good. And I knew that she often wasn't safe for driving. That's why she had to go to this big room a few months ago, with people with funny white hair. It was for… 'Drunk driving'?

Whatever that was.

I put a hand to my cheeks, and felt the wetness of tears streaming down them. I hadn't even noticed I was crying. I didn't even know I was this scared. I let out a sob; now, on top of every other emotion that was flowing through my body, I was feeling broken that my sister wouldn't even reply to me.

She turned the engine on and began to drive. Looking at me in the mirror, for the first time in ages, I could see something other than just fiery anger in her eyes. She was… She was scared.

"We're going to the hospital."

I began to panic again. "What! Why?"

Once again, I received no response.

"Is Mommy okay? Is, is my brother-" I noticed Lilith's eyes dart back to the road as I said that part of the sentence. "Lilith!" I cried. "My brother! Is Braden okay?"

My sister adjusted the mirror before returning her full attention to the road again. I couldn't help but let my tears flow and my sobs come full out now. Something was wrong.

Something was wrong with Braden. But what was worse…

I had no idea what it was.

…

Lilith parked in the first hospital car parking space she could find, before running to my side of the car and opening the door. I was crying to hard at this point that I could hardly even walk. "Come on, Caterina," she said, tugging me. Sighing, she pulled me out of the car and lifted me up, before locked the door. Even with me, now aged seven, my sister could still easily carry me. I was only a little bigger than most of the kindergarteners.

We ran into the hospital, me still on Lilith's hip, and went to the reception desk.

"Valentine, Braden Valentine?" Lilith asked loudly; out of breath from running from the parking lot. "What room is he in? We need to see him."

The woman at the reception desk sighed, looking up from her magazine to my sister, with a bored expression across her face. "I'm sorry, ma'am," she said in monotone, obviously having said it several times throughout the day already. "You're going to need to show some ID. Do you have a passport, and drivers' licence or any other form of identification we can use to identify you with?"

"Who carries a passport around with them?" Lilith exclaimed angrily. "And I came in my boyfriend's car… My licence isn't with me." She dropped me down from her hip, and ran a hand through her pink streaked, long, blonde hair. "Look, I'm Lilith Valentine… Brother of Braden Valentine, daughter of Alyssa O'Brian, our mother, who's in the same room with Braden right now. Me and my sister need to go see them. Like, quickly."

The receptionist rolled her eyes, before returning her focus to her computer. "Once again, ma'am, I will need a hard copy of some form of identification to allow you to see your-"

"Fuck your identification!" Lilith shouted, suddenly gripping my hand and pulling me past the desk.

I looked up at her, struggling to take big enough strides to keep up with her fast pace. "But, but, Lilith, the lady said you need to give her-"

"A slap?" she interrupted. "Yeah, I probably should. Fucking bitch."

I winced slightly as I heard my sister use such obscene language. But those words in my brain were the last of the worries on my mind.

"Please take me to Mommy and, and my brother, Lilith, please," I said, tears spilling from my eyes once again. My sister looked at a post with the map of the hospital, before dragging me into an elevator.

"Caterina, we are going to them, okay?"

"But is my brother okay?"

Lilith turned herself away from me slightly. Just like in the car, she had avoided this question. I tugged her arm, still crying. "Lilith! Is he okay? Is Braden okay?"

She groaned loudly, putting a hand over her face. "I don't know, Caterina, okay? I don't know!" I let out a sob once again. She… She didn't know? But Lilith knew everything. If she didn't know, then who did?

"I'm just so scared!" I said to her.

Lilith sighed, moving her hand from her face and bending down to look me in the eye. "I know, Caterina. I… I am too. And I'd love to tell you everything would be fine. But… I can't lie to you, Caterina. I don't know. I really don't know."

I felt even more tears roll down my cheek as the elevator door slid apart. I couldn't even speak now. If Lilith was scared… Whatever was going on was definitely really, really bad.

Lilith dragged me out of the door, into what looked like a never-ending hallway. But… I just need to know! My brother, Braden… I wish someone could tell me… What was happening?

I just needed to know.

…

"Mommy!" I shouted, racing towards my mom who was knelt down by a bed with a huge… Machine-y thing next to it. Finally after running, well, Lilith was the one running; I was mostly… dragged; through endlessly long hallway, we'd found the room that my mom was in. As soon as she heard my voice, she looked up.

"Oh, my Cat!" she exclaimed, as she brought me into her arms. I wrapped my arms around her neck, her cheeks squishing against mine, and I felt they were wet with tears.

"Mommy!" I said, crying again. "I-I was really scared, Mommy! I came home, and, and you weren't there, and, and Braden, is he-?"

I felt my mom's body jump as she let out a sob. At Braden's name. Again.

"Mommy, no one is telling me! Is Braden o-"

"Oh my God."

I looked up to see that Lilith had walked to the other side of the bed. She was looking down into it, and then looked at the huge, sliver machine thing. She put a hand to her face, and I saw tears start to spill from her eyes.

"Oh, please, Mom. No, this can't. It can't be. No, this can't, it can't, no!"

I jumped out from my mom's lap, and heard her let out a loud cry. I ran round to the other side of the bed, tiptoeing to see what was inside. What, what was making my mom… And Lilith… Cry?

I started in shock. With closed eyes, a blank expression on his face, and big, long wires attached to his face and to his body…

Was my brother, Braden.

…

Ooh, suspense. I hope. Or I've failed…

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

So, if you've not realised, what will happen for each reason is:

Cat will explain what her story tape will be about, then it will be told by a flashback type of thing, as shown above, then Cat's voice will come on again, kind of concluding the 'flashbackical' explanation.

The reason Cat's 'conclusion' is not here right now is because I split the chapter into two… And I need to finish writing it too. :]

There will also a parallel storyline within the group. Bar Cat. Obviously.

And the whole 'Jade being all mad with Beck' problem? There's a reason. An extremely relevant reason, that will kind of, like… Be responsible for what happens at the end of this story! All will be revealed. Patience.

Thanks for all you guys' kind reviews! I always reply to all reviews on PM. Special thank you to Swagiana Grande for her especially sweet one! Also, thank you to the anonymous reviewers; The moon, Rebekah, Kyra and Kristina. Thanks to people who've followed or favourited.

Please review. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and are excited to know what's happened. I know everyone says this, but reviews motivate me! It's true. So review! :] And remember to tell me your 'reasons why'. They'd be much appreciated. Ha, I sound all posh.

FlorMorada.